Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Balance of Power - full transcript

This is an 505 distress call
from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

The crew are dead
killed by a radiation leak.

The only survivors
were Dave Lister,

who was in suspended animation
during the disaster,

and his pregnant cat,
who was safely sealed in the hold.

Revived three
million years later,

Lister's only companions are
a life form who evolved from his cat

and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation
of one of the dead crew.

In the three million years
we've been away,

it is my fond hope
that mankind has abolished war,

cured all disease and got rid
of those little Western saloon doors



you get in trendy clothes shops.

One hundred and forty thousand
rehydratable chickens.

Check.

Seventy-two tons
of reconstituted sausage patty.

Check.

Four thousand six hundred
and ninety-one irradiated haggis.

Rimmer, it's Saturday night.
I've had enough.

Four thousand six hundred
and ninety-one irradiated haggis.

Rimmer, it's Saturday night.
I want to boogie on down.

Four thousand six hundred
and ninety-one irradiated haggis.

We've been doing this for four hours.
Let's have a break.

Four thousand six hundred
and ninety-one irradiated haggis.

Rimmer, will you stop saying "4,981
irradiated haggis" and speak to me?

Four thousand six hundred
and ninety-one irradiated haggis.



Rimmer, I want to go for a drink.

Four thousand six hundred
and ninety-one irradiated haggis.

- I want to have some fun.
- This is fun. Are you mad?

You read something out,
I say "check." Where's the fun?

All right. We'll put you in command
for a few seconds, Cap-i-tan.

What's the plan, sir?
Come on, lickety-split.

- Go back to Earth.
- And in the meantime?

I don't know, generally slob around,
have a few laughs.

Excellent plan, Lister.
Excellent plan. Brilliant plan.

There was me thinking you hadn't
thought about it, when clearly you have.

Right, I'll just stand over here
and laugh slobbily, shall I?

Well, I'm going for a drink.
Give me me cigarettes.

- I only owe you four and three quarters.
- You owe me five.

It's one cigarette
for each day you obey me.

Well, there you go.
Five days, five cigarettes.

Ah, but I'm penalising you
a quarter of a cigarette

for saying "check"
in a variety of silly voices,

- while doing the homogenised puddings.
- Well, I'm taking five.

You take five, Lister, I'll eject
the rest of the ship's stock into space.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!
So they're somewhere near an airlock?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.
You'll never find them, Lister.

I was always a master at
Hide and Seek as a child.

It's not a gift you lose.

- Okay, quark brain.
- Even it out. Take out the flaky bits.

Oh, I really,
really hate you, Rimmer.

Have a lovely, lovely time, Lister.
Give my regards to the air.

Lights. Holly,
why Rimmer as a hologram?

Why did you have to bring
Rimmer's hologram back?

He was the most unpopular man
on board this ship.

I mean, he even had to organise
his own surprise birthday parties.

- Who should I have brought back, then?
- Anyone. Chen, Petersen.

I mean, Hermann Goring would have been
more of a laugh than Rimmer.

I mean, okay, he was
a drug-crazed transvestite,

but at least we
could have gone dancing. Water.

I brought Rimmer back because
he's the best person to keep you sane.

Oh, crap.

Not you.

I do apologise. I wasn't
paying attention. See you later.

What about Kristine Kochanski?
You could have brought Kristine back.

Your entire life,

your shared conversations with her
totalled 773 words.

- So?
- In terms of wordage,

you actually had a better relationship
with your rubber plant.

I know, but Rimmer!

He '5 the person you knew best.
Over 74 million words in all.

Holly, seven million of those
were me telling him to smeg off

and the other seven million were him
putting me on report

- for telling him to smeg off.
Jean-Paul Sartre said

”Hell was being locked forever
in a room with your friends. ”

Holly,
all his mates were French.

I have been to Titan,
I have been to Juno,

I can name eight things
that go in jars that you know.

Pickles.

Jam.

Spaghetti.

- Brains.
- Ugh! What, in jars?

Well, me uncle's brain's in a jar.
It's really sad.

- Why is it sad?
- He's not dead yet.

Right, everybody's punished.
Finish your drinks.

Could you move, please?
Excuse me?

Some of us have more important
things to do than wiggle our posteriors.

Could you move, please, please?
Thank you. Could you move?

Excuse me, please. Excuse me.
Excuse me, please. Excuse me.

If you want to dance,
do it over there.

- Oi!
- Sorry.

That woman's out of your league.
She's just too classy for you.

- Who is she?
- Kochanski.

I've got no big thing
about Kochanski.

Stick to your usual type.
Women with little wispy beards

who wear three overcoats
and carry little bags full of string.

- Kristine Kochanski?
- Shut up.

What, Officer Kristine Kochanski?

Selby! Have you ever eaten
a coconut whole?

Nah, you've no chance with her.
You're just too ugly.

Listen, half-drum head, I've got
no big thing about Kristine Kochanski.

- I have.
- So have I.

Whoa.

- Lister, where's my revision timetable?
- It's Saturday night!

Come on,
no one works Saturday night.

You don't work any night,
you don't work any day.

Skive hard, play hard.
That's our motto.

Look,
I've got my engineering resit on Monday.

I don't know anything.
Where's my revision timetable?

Wait, is this the thing
in all different colours

with all the subjects divided
into study periods and rest periods,

- and self-testing times?
- It took me seven weeks to make it.

I've got to cram my whole revision
into one night.

Hang on, is this the thing
with the note on it in red that said,

"Vital, valuable, urgent.
Do not touch on pain of death?"

- Yes.
- I threw It away.

- Ha, ha. Tee-hee. Where is it?
- No, Rimsy. I pinned it up on the wall.

- What? Why?
- To dry it out.

- What do you mean, dry it out?
- Well, I spilt a goat vindaloo on it.

Don't worry, it's a little bit red,
but you can read most of it.

Especially if you
scrape the lumps off.

You spoilt my...
No, I haven't got time.

I'm taking learning drugs and all
I'm memorising is this conversation.

- They're illegal.
- Where's my revision timetable, Lister?

It's Saturday night.
No one works Saturday night.

You don't work any night,
you don't work any day.

Skive hard, play hard. That's my motto.
Lister, where is my revision timetable?

It's Saturday night,
no one works Saturday night...

I've been to Titan,
I've been to Melanski.

I can name 90 men
who've slept with Kochanski.

- Me.
- Me.

- Mel
- The London jet juniors!

- The service droids!
- My mother!

Okay, leave it alone.
Leave it.

Alone.

Argh!

Ow! Ooh, baby. Hey. Jump back.
Come back. Hey.

How am I looking?

I'm looking nice.

My hair is nice,
my face is nice, my suit is nice.

I'm looking really nice.
Ow! Jump back!

Ooh. Ah! Hey. Get down.

Wonder how I'm looking now?

Still looking nice.
My hair is still nice.

My face is still nice.
My suit's... I'm just nice, period.

Jump back. Get down.
Ooh, heh!

Good evening, you stupid, stinking,
festering gimboid of a cat.

Ah, you're going to put these
cigarettes back, aren't you?

Are you crazy?

This is my all-time best lucky find
I ever found in the whole of today.

No, no, no.

You are going to put these cigarettes
back quickly before he comes.

- These are mine!
- They're not yours. Put them back.

See this hand? It is mine.
See these things? They are mine.

- I'll give you a fish.
- One fish? Ha.

- Two fish.
- For all these shiny things?

I'll show you how to get
all the fish you'll ever need.

- Five fish?
- Mmm.

- Five fish. I'll be rich.
- You certainly will. Yes, come on.

All right!

Hey, hey, hey... Five fish?

- Six fish.
- Oh!

♪ Oh, dance, dance, dance... ♪

Lister, what on Titan
is this din? Lister!

- What on Titan is this din?
- It's Rasta Billy Skank.

Is this it?

It's got a health warning on it,
you know, it's bad for you.

- It's a classic.
- "Danger. Government health warning.

"This music can make you
irritable and irrational

"and has been linked with disorders
of the nervous system and bowels."

No one takes any
notice of that stuff.

Lister, if you want to dice with death,
fine, but don't poison my sound waves.

Off.

Why don't you listen to something
really classical like Mozart,

Mendelssohn or Motorhead?

I think I've gone video blind.

Is that painting yours?
It's rubbish.

It's a mirror.

I need some sleep.

Rimmer, do you, erm...
Do you remember Kristine Kochanski?

Navigation Officer?
Yes. I remember her. Snooty cow.

She used to look down on me.
She used to call me Rimmer.

Everybody called you Rimmer.

It's the way she
said it, though. "Rimmer."

Rimmer, to rhyme with scum.

God, she had a chip
on her shoulder, Lister.

Oh, yeah. Well, I want to go
on a date with her.

Tough. She's dead.

- Just one night.
- No.

- I want to turn you off.
- No.

- For just four hours.
- No.

- And spend an evening with her hologram.
- Nope.

Look, I know you're worried
I won't turn you back on.

- No.
- But I promise, I swear,

if you tell me where you've hidden
the hologram disks...

- No.
- Oh!

- You're not even prepared to discuss it.
- We are discussing it, Lister.

What's this if it's not a discussion?
A diesel locomotive?

Rimmer, I promise,
I swear, I'll turn you back on.

Is that it, Lister?
Is that the entire proposal?

- Yes.
- Well, Lister...

No. Think about it seriously.
Don't just dismiss it.

All right, all right.
I'll think about it.

- You're just gonna say no.
- Don't interrupt. I'm thinking about it.

- But you're just gonna say no.
- Not necessarily. I'm mulling it over.

Yeee... No.

But what is it, man?
Don't you trust me?

Black card, Lister. I'm holding up
a black card. Conversation over.

I've always been crazy about her
and I never did anything about it.

Oh, Lister, you've forgotten
the colour code.

White. The white card is
to continue the discussion.

But this is a black card
situation. Discussion over.

- Listen.
- ♪ Black card, black card ♪

- I was talking about something else.
- White card. Go on.

For a start, I want to stop all this
black card and white card, smeg,

- it's driving me crazy.
- Black card.

Oh! Four hours, just...

I want to spend an evening with
her hologram! What's so wrong with that?

You don't know when to stop,
do you, Lister? I'm your superior.

Technician was the lowest rank
on the ship.

The man who changed the bog rolls
was higher than us.

Yes, well, he's not here now,
Lister, and we are.

And there's still a pecking order
and I'm pecking you, baby.

Okay, Rimmer. Okay.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Is that a threat, Lister?
- Yeah.

Actually, "Okay", Lister,
is not a threat, technically speaking.

It is when you mean it to mean
what I mean it to mean.

And I mean it to mean,
"Okay, Rimmer. Okay."

No, Lister,
"Okay" is never a threat,

no matter how many AYs
you put on the end.

I'm going to pass the exams
and become an officer.

Oh, come on. Wise up, Lister.

You'll have to salute me, Rimmer.
You'll have to call me, sir.

You'll have to give me Kochanski
and me cigarettes.

And on that day, Lister,
Satan will be skating to work.

Lister!
Rise and shine, El Slotho. Come on.

I've been awake for hours, Lister.
Up, up, up. Come on.

Exercise, Lister.
Exercise, sonny boy.

Quarter to 2:00?
I didn't set my motivator.

I was supposed to be up at 7:00.
Why didn't he wake me?

He knows I'm a heavy sleeper.

Have I got to remind him
to do everything for me?

He's so irresponsible.

Holly, give me a cold shower,
will you, please?

Certainly, Arnold.

Not that cold.
Hotter, hotter.

Not that hot.

Just forget it.
Can you give me a clean uniform?

Perhaps you can manage that?

Thank you, Holly. Where's Lister?

Holly, where's my arm?
This isn't my arm. Whose arm is this?

I 'm sorry, Arnold. Your physical data
disk has become corrupted

Don't give me excuses.
Give me my arm back.

I'll have to refresh the graphics
from a back-up.

It's got tattoos.
Candy, Denmark Forever.

Is this Petersen's arm, Holly?
I've got the arm of a Danish moron.

If you '11 just bear with me
for a few minutes, Arnold.

It's not good enough, Holly.
It's traumatic enough being dead.

And whose ears are these, Holly?
They're like two giant radar dishes

stuck higgledy-piggledy
to the side of my head.

I mean, just look at them,
look at them.

Whose were these ea rs, Holly,
an African elephant?

- They're your ears, Arnold.
- It must have been the way I slept.

I haven't got time for this.
Where's Lister?

That information is security protected.

What's he doing?

Mmm-mmm.

- Hello. How can I help you?
- Fish.

Today's fish is trout a la creme.

- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish!

Today's fish is trout a la creme.

- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish!

Today's fish is trout a la creme.

- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish!

Today's fish is trout a la creme.

- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish!

Today's fish is trout a la creme.

- Enjoy your meal.
- Fish!

Today's fish is trout a la creme.

- Enjoy your meal.
- I will!

- Lister? Where's Lister?
- No, man. The fish is mine.

I don't want your fish,
you stupid cat. Where's Lister?

Idiot. Holly, as senior rank
aboard this ship,

I order you to
tell me where he is.

- I've told you, I can 't.
- Holly, that's an order.

- You stupid, ugly goit.
- Ugly?

I 'II have you know, I chose
this face out of the billions available,

'cause it happened to be
the face of the greatest

and most prolific lo ver
who ever lived.

Really? Well, he must have
operated in the dark a lot.

You what?

And when are you gonna
give me my own arm back?

I refuse to walk round all day
with Petersen's arm.

You know what he was like.
God only knows where this arm has been.

Ah. What's he doing?

Beats me, Amie.
Seems to have a mind of its own.

- Tell him to stop it.
- What is this?

A cabaret?
Entertainment while you eat?

No, no, no!

Hey, can you place bets?
My bet is on this arm.

Argh!

Holly, you're absolutely
gorgeous and handsome and delicious.

Please tell him to stop it.

All right. just give me
a couple of seconds.

Ah, look at that. I've outwitted him.
He's given up. Look, he's given up.

Oh!

There, done it. just in time.

Hey, that was good.

You should've finished on a song.
It would have been perfect.

I hate everything.

Where is Lister, the little worm?

Lister? Listie,
Listie, Wistie, Lister?

I know you're here, Lister.
You're always here Sunday afternoons.

What are you two doing here?
Skutters don't have time off.

You really must think I'm stupid.
I'll deal with you two later.

You're serious
about this, Lister, aren't you?

- Go away. I'm busy.
- Off.

You seriously believe
a piece of fungus like you

has got the stuff
to become an officer?

You've got the brains of diarrhoea
and the breeding of a maggot.

I mean, what are you writing on, Lister?
The inside of a chocolate wrapper?

I mean, come on.
Where's your loose-leaf file?

Where's your pencils,
where's your protractor

and your hole reinforcers?

Rimmer, I'm going to pass this exam
by knowing things.

- Okay. What's a porous circuit?
- Don't know.

How do you calculate acceleration?

- Don't know.
- Oh, this is sad.

What's Boyle's Fourth Law?

Don't eat greasy food.

These are basic
engineering precepts, Lister.

How do you expect
to pass the engineering exam?

I don't.
I expect to pass the chef's exam.

You want to become a chef?

Not really.
I just want to become your superior.

But a chef? A white-hatted ponce?
That's not a real officer.

It outranks you,
smeg-for-brains.

And, Lister, what's this?
Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey.

I'm afraid you're in very serious,
grave, deep trouble, Lister.

Where did you get them? I want names,
I want places, I want dates.

Arnold Rimmer.
His locker. This morning.

Why am I worried? You'll never
stick at it. You'll never pass.

Say, "You'll never pass,
Mr Lister, sir."

Practise, Rimmer, makes perfect.

Question four, underline that.

What does the red spectrum
tell us about quasars?

I'm gonna die.
I've been fished to death.

My answer,
in answering the question,

what does the red spectrum tell us
about quasars... Write bigger.

There are various words
that need to be defined.

What is a spectrum?
What is a red one? Why is it red?

And why is it so
frequently linked with quasars?

What the hell is a quasar?

Just put a neat cross through it.
We'll do the next one. Okay?

And I think that confidently
and concisely answers the question,

what does the red spectrum
tell us about quasars.

- Da-da!
- Lister, did you make that?

Yeah. It's not that good.
It was supposed to be roast beef.

Do you want some, Cat? It's got some
real cream and fudge in it.

I think I'm going to
have to go and do something secret.

Look out. Food escape.

- So, Lister, you doing all right, yeah?
- Not bad. Not bad at all.

Listen, Lister.
All this tension between us is stupid.

There's just no need for it.
I mean, you're tense and I'm tense.

And there's just absolutely
no need for it.

I'm not tense.

Of course you're tense,
you rectum-faced pygmy.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I mean, there's no need for you
to be slogging your guts out.

- I'm enjoying it.
- Shut up.

Doing an exam, doing so well.

There's absolutely
no need for it, Lister.

You can have the cigarettes.
They're in pipeline 22.

- I know.
- Good.

The Cat betrayed me.
I don't mind. I'm delighted.

What I'm saying, Lister, is there's
no need for us to be at loggerheads.

- I mean, we're mates, we're pals.
- When?

Oh, come on, Lister. Laugh, laugh,
laugh, chuckle, guffaw, giggle.

- That's Rimsy and Listy.
- When?

- Millions of times.
- When?

Ah! Ah, how about the time

your safety harness snapped
and you fell into the cargo bay?

- We laughed then, didn't we?
- I cracked me spine in three places.

Yes, but it was hilarious.
We laughed like drains.

You laughed.
I spent six weeks in traction.

Yes. That's right and you spent
the rest of the summer

walking around
like a croquet hoop.

Oh, I laughed so hard
I nearly puked. I really did.

What are you saying to me, Rimmer?

I'm just saying, Lister,
that with times as good as those,

there's no point in letting
something small and silly like this

come between a friendship
that we've nurtured

like a small flower, petal by petal,

and watched blossom and bloom
into something rare and special.

- Okay, give me Kochanski.
- Smeg off, dishwasher breath.

You won't turn me back on.

What, Rimsy-wimsy-mimsy,
me bestest ever pal?

All right, Lister.
I order you not to take those exams.

Black card, Rimmer.

You are black carding me?

That's only the beginning, Rimmer.

When I pass the exams and become
an officer, you'll be on latrines.

You'll have the 3:00
watch every morning

and I know you'll obey me,
because you, I mean, you,

respect all that officer smeg.

If you mean I respect my superiors,
no matter who they are,

and I obey orders blindly
and unquestioningly, yes, yes, I do.

That's exactly what I mean.
Anyway, I've got to get some sleep.

Hard day's revision on the morrow.

You always become the thing
you hate the most.

Look at you, Lister.

Obnoxious, ruthless,
single-minded, insensitive,

you're more like me than I am.

Rimmer, you've forgotten
the colour code.

This is a black card situation,
end of conversation.

"You never learn, do you?"

Will all entrants for
the Chef Part One Examination

please proceed to
the teaching room.

You're not ready for it, you know.

Look at you. You should be doing
last-second revision.

I am. I'm revising buns.

I mean, it's obscene, missing the entire
first minute of the exam.

Okay, here we go.

No. You can't do this to me, Lister.

- Give me Kochanski.
- No.

That was a lousy thing
to do to a hologram.

Have you no respect
for the dead?

Ah.

Hello, Dave.

I'm just doing this, erm...
I'm taking this... This is a surprise.

Dave, why didn't you just tell me

how you felt about me
when I was still alive?

'Cause I'm a dope and I'm a bum,
and I'm stupid, and I'm an idiot,

and I'm hopeless, and I'm useless.

I'm sorry, but I just don't like you.

Oh, hey. I'm really embarrassed now.
I don't know what to say.

I suppose it's sort of pointless
you doing the exam now.

Well, yeah, it's sort of pointless
me breathing in and out

if you want to know the truth.

I could never love anyone
like you.

So you might as well pack up your pots
and pans and off you go.

I need a man who's going places.

Up, up, up the ziggurat,
lickety-split.

So it didn't mean
anything to you, then?

- What didn't?
- You know, when we...

Made love on the snooker table
behind the bins.

- You never told me that.
- I thought you might have noticed.

- Oh, yes, yes. I remember now.
- We've never made love. Go away, Rimmer.

Look, look,
I'm a bit out of sorts at the moment.

- I'm having a woman's period.
- A woman's period?

Women don't speak like that.
Give me a break.

I don't know how you've done it, Rimmer,
but that is not Kochanski.

It's Kochanski's body,
it's Kochanski's voice.

I mean, what's the difference?
Come on.

The difference is
that you're in there, ugh.

- Well, you can't blame me for trying.
- I.eave.

I've seen something you haven't, squire.

Okay, Holly, swap disks.

Er, Holly, this is not my breast.

I want my own nipple back, Holly.

Leave, Rimmer.

There's no rush, Holly.

Holly, are you sure
these are my hips?

Lister, 1-6-9-12-14-6.

How did you do?

How did you do?

- How did you do, Lister?
- How did I do, Mr Lister, sir!

♪ It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere

#I'm all alone, more or less

♪ Let me fly far away from here

♪ Fun, fun, fun

#ln the sun, sun, sun

♪ I want to lie
shipwrecked and comatose

♪ Drinking fresh mango juice

♪ Goldfish shoals
nibbling at my toes

♪ Fun, fun, fun

#ln the sun, sun, sun

♪ Fun, fun, fun

♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪