Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 2 - Reba and the One - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
I found you a man.

Barbra Jean, for the 15th time,
I'm not dating your grandpa.

You missed the boat. He
ran off with his day nurse.

Well, not so much
ran as... [Grunting]

[Laughs]

But I know you need
a little help in this area,

so I signed you up for
an online dating service.

What do you mean?

Dating is when two people who
like each other go out in public.

Cheyenne, they're called "a
latte" because they cost a lot.

Oh!



Van, when you asked
me to watch Elizabeth...

while you went to the store
to get her some orange juice,

I didn't think you
meant in Florida.

Sorry it took so long, but I couldn't
remember which kind Elizabeth liked,

so I had to call Cheyenne who
needed a ride home from the library.

So he picked me up. Since both of us
were hungry, we decided to go to lunch.

Hmm.

So where's the juice?

Shoot! Can you watch Elizabeth
while I run to the store to get the juice?

You might want to get some aspirin
for yourself. Why do I need aspirin?

Ow! For your headache! Mom.

Guys, will you please tell
Miss 19th Century here...

that online dating is a great
way to meet compatible men?

Oh, yeah. Well, tell
'em to wear a helmet.



Reba, at least take a look at
who the computer picked for you.

One of these guys
could be your soul mate.

What about Steve the mortician?

Or-Or Greg the prison guard?

Or Jorge who works at the zoo?

Oh, that guy's a keeper, yeah.

Zookeeper! Okay, yeah!

[Chuckles]

You know, Mom, maybe you should date
'em. It might put you in a better mood.

You have been a little cranky
lately, Mrs. H. Don't hit me.

[Groans]

Did you ever stop to think
that I wouldn't be so cranky...

if I didn't have five loads of laundry,
baby-sittin' job and dishes to wash?

Well, okay, look. I can do the
dishes. Van can do everything else.

I mean, what's a little housework
compared to you finding your soul mate?

Well, I have been
a little cranky lately.

Yeah. I do need somethin'.

Mm-hmm. [Singsongy]
And I know what it is.

It starts with an
"L," ends in an "E."

Has an "O" and a "V."
Rhymes with dove. Yeah.

Lo-Lo-Lo-Lo... Oh, all right!

I hate you. [Laughs]

What do I have to be worried about...
that I'm gonna meet a crazy person?

[Mouthing Letters]

[Chattering]

"Love"!

Yeah, you got it. All right.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

I can't believe I said we'd pick up the
slack when Mom's out cattin' around.

And look, Van. Can
you believe that someone

had dirty dishes in the
bottom of the hamper?

Ah, Jake!

That little scamp.

Knock, knock. Is your mom
back from her coffee date yet?

Oh, yeah, she's back. I'm
just preparin' for surgery.

I don't see why they
had to go out for coffee.

I mean, that's what
she and I do together.

But I'm okay, you know?
Because if this guy works out,

it'll mean that I set Reba
up with the love of her life.

We'll bond over her
first date, her first kiss,

their first fight... Where
I'll have to comfort her.

"There, there,
Reba. Let it out."

Hello, loved ones.

Barbra Jean.

So, how did it go?

I have to say that was one of the
best afternoons I've had in a long time.

Real happy for you, Mrs. H, but
Cheyenne and I are goin' to the movies.

So, trash needs to be taken
out. Dishes in the hamper. See ya!

Oh, ho, ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Hang on. You didn't let me finish.

He also asked me out for dinner
tonight, so you guys'll have to stay in.

What? This is so unfair.

What after I've done today,
I'm not cooking dinner.

Believe me, Cheyenne,
nobody wants that.

Well, seein' as I played cupid on this
one, when do I get to meet Mr. Wonderful?

Didn't I already set
you up with a man?

See, Jake, when I ask, "How was
your day," and you say... [Flatly] "Fine,"

that is not real communication.

Friends talk to each
other, you know?

Even after they've made new friends. A
little somethin' I wish your mother knew.

I have told you the story about
how I got fired from a llama ranch...

because I sang to
the animals, okay.

The least you could do is tell me one
lousy thing about your day. [Door Opens]

Reba?

Oh, crap.

Let me guess. Reba's
out on a date again.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.
Third night this week.

Please send me home.

Sorry, buddy. I'm sure
your mom will be back soon.

Listen, why don't you
go hang out with Henry?

Honey, I'm worried
about that boy.

Being abandoned by his mother is
causing him to shut down emotionally.

Oh, come on, Barbra
Jean. You made him watch

your DVD of The Way
We Were three times.

He's not shutting
down. He's playing dead!

Hmm!

Fine. All right,
it's me. I miss her.

This morning I had
coffee with her photo.

Reba! Sorry, love to chat.
Don't have anything to say.

Jake, let's go!

So, uh, Reba. How was your date
with this so-called really great guy?

Oh, wonderful. We had dinner
and caught an early movie.

Reba, you need to slow down.
This is just happening too fast.

You need to see other
people. I'm available.

No, I'm not gonna slow
down or see other people.

As hard as it is to believe, I
have found someone wonderful.

Someone who appreciates me. Someone I think
I could spend the rest of my life with.

As a matter of fact,
I think I'm in love.

It's about time. Don't you know
they're in here talkin' to me?

Are you really in love, Mom?

Jake, can you keep a secret?

Am I gonna have
a little brother?

Sit down.

Jake, I'm not in love. I'm
not even seein' anybody.

I'm just pretendin' to
go out on these dates

so I can have a little
alone time for me.

You know, take a
break from the loony bin.

I hear ya. Dad and I
didn't really join the Scouts.

Really? Then what do you
guys do every Saturday?

Hey, are we keepin'
secrets here or not?

All right, fine, Jake. But you're
missin' out on a whole lot of fun!

What are you yellin' about?

I was tryin' to pull that old Tom
Sawyer "paint the fence" trick,

tellin' him foldin'
laundry's fun.

But he's no idiot.

Hey, Cheyenne.

Did you know foldin'
laundry is good for your skin?

Hey, has Reba
left for her date yet?

No, she's in the kitchen,
which is spotless thanks to me.

And she better not be
makin' a mess in there!

Hey, Barbra Jean, did you know that folding
laundry lifts and firms your buttocks?

Yeah, right.

So, uh...

Have you two met this
guy your mom's been datin'?

No, and I'm beginning
to think that's a little weird.

I, for one, am not
gonna trust this guy until

he comes to the house,
meets the family...

and starts pickin' up his share
of the chores around here!

This is just so ridiculous.

I can give her
everything a man can.

Um...

Yeah, look.

Reba clearly does not
want us to meet this guy.

That's not really fair to him.

So I think we should track down
this guy and see what he wants.

That's a good idea.
Okay, I got a plan...

to figure out where she's
going tonight. Mm-hmm.

Huh. Watch... and learn.

Hey, Van, you know what? I think
it really does feel firmer. I'm, uh...

[Chattering]

So, Reba. Where
are you going tonight?

Reverse psychiatry. Nice.

- Why do you want to know?
- We... We need to know
where you're gonna go...

in case we need to call you, just
in case of an emergency. Yeah.

I have my cell.
[Cheyenne] Oh, okay.

Well, what if you're
havin', uh, dinner in

the mountains and we
can't reach your cell?

There are no mountains
in Houston, Van.

Well, what if you're havin' dinner in
an underground bunker made of lead?

- [Chuckles]
- We'll sit by
an underground window.

She's got an answer
for everything!

- Okay, Plan "B." Here's what we do.
- Yeah?

We call her cell. We
record the background noise.

We have it analyzed by a restaurant
sound expert. Bam, we got 'em!

That's good. [Phone Rings]

[Beeps] Hello? Yeah.

Yes! Hi. Yes, thank
you very much. [Beeps]

That was Petit Jacques calling to
confirm Mom's dinner reservation tonight.

- [Brock Chuckles]
- Okay, here's what we do.

Okay, okay. We
call Petit Jacques.

We record the
background noise. Yeah.

We have it analyzed by a
restaurant sound... Get in the car!

Hey, Jake, could you tell Kyra
to watch Elizabeth for a bit?

Sure. She gets 50 bucks an hour.

What? No way.
Seven bucks an hour...

and she can talk on the phone
to the other witches in the coven.

Cheyenne, we don't need to negotiate
with him. He's tiny, and I can throw him.

I speak for Kyra, and the price just
went to 60. Wanna throw me now, Van?

Can I buy you some
dinner to go with that wine?

[Chuckles] Oh, no, thanks.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
realize you were with someone.
- Oh. I'm not.

Well, I am, sort of, but not
really. But, uh, thanks, but no.

Somethin' tells me you're gonna
have a hard time deciding on an entrée.

[Sarcastic Chuckle]

What're y'all doin' here?
You're gonna ruin my date.

Oh, yeah? If it's such a great date,
how come you're reading a book?

Oh, Lord. He's a writer! Oh!

That's right. He's a writer.

Oh, Reba, I see
through your facade.

- Your date stood you up.
- [Gasps]

What kind of a guy has a chance
to be with you and then leaves you?

At the table!

Look, guys, my date did
not stand me up, okay?

- Well, we're not leavin'
until we meet him.
- Okay, all right, fine.

Fine. He's, um...

Um... Ah! There
he is. Excuse me.

[Chuckling] Okay! I changed
my mind. I want dinner. What?

Yeah. Yeah, that's my family
over there. They're all crazy.

My name is Reba, and if you
would pretend to be my boyfriend...

then they'll probably
leave me alone, okay?

- Now go. Smile. Get your drink.
- [Brock Clears Throat]

There you go. [Laughs]
Here he is. [Cheyenne] Hi.

This is, uh, my date.

- Mm-hmm.
- Uh, date, this is my family.

Oh. You certainly know
your way around a bar.

Thanks for takin' the
12 steps over here.

I'm Brock, the ex...

The shoes to fill.
[Barbra Jean] Oh, yeah!

I'm Ted. I'm Irena's boyfriend.

Her name's Reba.

He calls me Irena because I
remind him of a Russian princess.

That is so cute.

Hey, what do you say we ditch
this place, go back to the house?

Mrs. H can whip up some supper, and
you can start foldin' some sheets! Yeah!

Yeah. So, Ted, Reba
hasn't really talked about you.

So talk.

Okay. Well, uh...

I like fishing.
[Chuckles] Me too.

- You do not.
- Do now.

She's my little fish girl.

♪♪ [Cell Phone: Salsa]

Oh, that's me.

[Clears Throat] "Yello"?

No, Jake, we did not
talk about overtime.

I swear I will throw you!

So, Ted.

Tell me about Ted.

Well...

My name's Ted. Uh... And, uh,

I'm a bicycle
salesman from Ottawa.

I'm only in the States part time.
Canada... land of scam artists!

Yeah.

I thought you were a writer.

No, no, no! Rider...
A bicycle rider.

- Oh, you thought
I meant book writer?
- Yeah.

Oh, no. That's funny. I'd never date a
book writer. They're worse than musicians.

You're from Canada?
But that's so far away.

It's a beautiful place.
You'll like it, Reba.

Really?

What do you say? You want to
get married? [Barbra Jean] Huh?

Well, Ted, this
is a little... odd.

No. No, no. She does not.

Barbra Jean... I
love this woman.

And I'm takin' her to
Canada. [Barbra Jean Gasps]

[Chuckles] Ted...

Oh, yeah? Well, I love her more.

And if I can't have
her, no one can!

- Okay, you can have her.
- Yeah, I thought so.

All right. All right, fine. All right,
it looks like I'm payin' overtime.

Can we speed this up, people?
"Todd," get in the car. You're movin' in.

Okay, that's it. Ted is not my
boyfriend. I don't have a boyfriend.

The person I was dating was
me. Well, then who's this guy?

Well, my name really is Ted, but...
I'm not a Canadian bicycle salesman.

I was just trying to be weird enough
to scare off your family. Good luck.

So, Reba, you never had a date?

Yeah, I did.

I had a date set up with the
zookeeper, but he never showed.

But as I was sittin' there by
myself, I realized somethin'.

I realized that I like
spendin' time by myself.

But I'm always so
busy takin' care of y'all...

that I never get the
chance to do that.

Oh, Mrs. H, you know what's a great
way of spendin' time with yourself?

Foldin' clothes.

I need some time
away from the house.

And if that means goin' out,
readin' a book or learnin' French...

Well, I don't think that's such a
big deal, and it's not too much to ask.

We're sorry, Mom. I guess we didn't realize
how much you did around the house...

till we had to do it ourselves.

Yeah. We learned a
valuable lesson. Mm-hmm.

And it only cost me
80 bucks and an iPod.

You gave him my iPod? You had better
backed up my "serenity back" mix, Van!

Well, Reba, glad you
weren't dating a con man.

And when you do find someone,

I hope he's at least as... handsome
and well put together as I am.

Yeah, well, you deserve it.

Thanks, Brock.

But I hope he doesn't
have your bird legs.

You still think about
'em, don't you?

I'll be out in a minute, Tweety.

All right. Sweetie!

Look, Reba, I'm...

I'm really sorry that we all came
down here tonight to ruin your date.

I learned something about
myself that I don't like very much.

Turns out I would rather you were unhappy
and all mine than happy with somebody else.

Does that make me a bad
person? Oh, Barbra Jean.

Of course it does.

It's just that I know that someday
you're gonna meet someone special, and...

I was gonna have to find a way to
deal with the loss of my best friend.

You know, Barbra Jean, I
realized somethin' a long time ago.

No matter where I
go or who I meet...

or how many times I
change my phone number,

you'll hunt me down like a dog.

Well, thanks, Ted.
You're a good sport.

You know, my family seems a little
weird, but that's only a first impression.

[Laughs] They're also dangerous.

My family's crazy too. Really?

But after meeting yours, I
think I'll call mine. [Laughing]

Hey, by the way, what
do you do for a living?

I'm a musician.

Hey. I just went to the
kitchen and got these myself.

Hey, Reba, aren't you glad
I invited Ted to come over?

- Yeah, and we're
so glad you stayed.
- [Barbra Jean Laughs]

Isn't she a pistol?

You know, I was just
thinkin' that if you two

like each other,
technically, I introduced you.

- [Barbra Jean Chuckles]
- That's true.

Reba never would have invited me
over if she didn't want you to go away.

[Laughing]

I know! Isn't life funny?
You know what else is funny?

This one time, Reba and I went
bowling. It's hilarious. It really...

Oh, okay. I get it. You two
want to be alone. All right.

All right, Reba, you and I,
we will catch up later, okay?

Maybe we can have
dinner here sometime.

Without Ted. [Chuckles]

Call me!

Acme! [Coughing]