Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 16 - Money Blues - full transcript

Good morning, Mrs. H.
Ready to go to the office?

The office isn't
even open yet, Van.

The early bird gets
the worm, Mrs. H.

That's why I like to go
to the office to watch that.

Sometimes the worm
breaks in half. It's so gross.

But it's really cool.

Hey. Honey, can I have
some money before you go?

For what?

Well, I just have
to get a few things.

These things... they wouldn't
happen to have high heels, would they?

No. Not all of 'em.



Uh-huh. So, can I
have some money?

Oh, God. It's so
hard being generous.

Ah, just take it all. Thanks.

Just make sure you write everything
down in your expense journal.

- See you at
the office, Mrs. H.
- [Cheyenne] Bye, honey.

[Door Closes] Expense journal?

Oh, yeah. That's the system
that Van uses to control our money.

He enters all of our
expenses in a computer...

and then prints out these little pie
charts that he's supposed to go over.

But usually, when he sees the pie charts,
he decides he wants pie, so he never does.

And you're okay with
that? Yeah. Van loves pie.

Not that. Him
controlling all the money.

Well, Mom, Dad controlled the
money when you guys were married.

Yes, and having gone through
what I just went through with your dad,



I can think of 75,000
reasons that was dumb.

Mom, I really don't
think Van is like Dad.

There was a time I used to think
Dad wasn't like Dad. But surprise!

Look. I've thought about
talking to him, but, you know,

money is just one of those
issues in our marriage...

that's just better
left not talked about.

Okay, Cheyenne. Listen to me.

Money is not one of
the issues in a marriage.

It is the issue in a marriage.

It is the issue underneath
all the other issues.

Honey, a marriage has to
have full and honest disclosure.

Mom, my marriage has
full and honest disclosure.

[Exhales Deeply] And besides, I
can always lie on my expense journal.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Okay. The termite company said we
can tent the Hillman house on Wednesday.

Great. Although, you know what has always
bugged me about tenting a house, Mrs. H?

What's that? What if
termites love to go campin'?

Wouldn't it be ironic...

if they saw a tent going up...

and they thought they were
on this really cool camping trip,

and the next thing they
know, they're dead?

Did you ever wonder about that?

Yeah, Van. I think
everybody wonders about that.

So, did you write that down
in your expense journal?

- What?
- That decaf latte with
a double shot of vanilla.

You do write that down in
your expense journal, don't you?

Me? No, no, no. That's
just for Cheyenne.

Here's another thing I
always wonder about, Mrs. H.

What if lobsters love Jacuzzis,

and just before we drop them
into a pot of boiling hot water,

they think we're the
nicest people in the world?

You know what that would
be? That would be ironic.

Let's get back to
Cheyenne for a second.

Don't you worry that
your financial system...

might make Cheyenne feel like
a little less than an equal partner?

What? Why would it?

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because...

you don't have to keep an
expense journal and she does.

And she has to ask for money.

Well, gee, I hadn't
thought about that.

Well, something
to think about now.

Well, yeah, I guess maybe it is.

Yeah. You know...

You know, when you're not so
busy thinking how ironic it would be...

if mosquitoes like those big
blue bug lights that kill 'em.

- Huh?
- You know, those
big blue bug lights...

that we put outside
in the summer.

What if bugs liked 'em? You
know, "Hey, guys! Party's over here!"

and then zap! [Laughs]

[Laughs] I... Uh, y-you lost me.

Oh, you know. Like the lobsters.

We keep big blue bug lights out in the
summertime to keep the lobsters away?

No. The thing before, with the happy
dead termites that camp. You know.

Look, Mrs. H. I don't mind if
you have a few beers at lunch,

but, uh, I wouldn't talk to anybody
else this afternoon if I were you.

Hey. Where have you guys been?

Just hanging out.
Jake had detention.

[Gasps] You said
you wouldn't tell.

Yeah, Jake. I
say a lot of things.

Yesterday I told the D.M.V.
I weighed 105. Grow up.

So what'd you do?

He had a soda at
school. They're banned.

I mean, it's the same as if he brought a
tomahawk or photographs of buxom women.

So, how did you get a soda if
they were banned from school?

Kids sell 'em... from
their backpacks. Pushers.

On the street, they
call 'em "pop daddies."

Thank you, Barbra Jean.
I can take it from here. Oh.

Sweet Jake.

You used to be such a good boy.

We miss that good boy.

Oh!

- Here's what happened.
- No. Here's what happened.

Your school banned sodas,
and you had one. That was wrong.

Now, if you've got a problem with the
rules, you take it up with your principal,

but you do not break the rules.

Now you get upstairs and
think about what I just said.

Oh, hey, Mrs. H. Good.
You're here. Cheyenne!

I thought about what you said about the
money thing, and I'm gonna make it right.

Oh. Glad I could help. Mm-hmm.

♪♪ [Hums] Hey,
honey. How was work?

Oh, great. Well, except for one of
the Realtors got hammered at lunch.

But, uh, I covered for her.

Anyway, I have something
really important to say to you.

Okay. I know what you're gonna
say, Van, but they were on sale.

You bought shoes. Good for you.

Okay. Well, I put it in
the expense journal.

Put it under "Asthma
Medication." But it's in there.

Okay. Forget the
stupid expense journal.

Look. I realized today that...

I'm doing things financially
that might make you feel...

that I don't see you
as an equal partner.

Aw, honey. That is so sensitive.

It's hard to go through life that
way, but I try to carry it with dignity.

Anyway, I wanted to show
you how much I value you...

as a wife, a mother
and as a partner.

- Aw. [Chuckles] - So,
I decided to pay you.

What?

Yeah, yeah. I-I-I-I,
uh, worked out...

the approximate value of
what you do around here,

threw in a little extra 'cause
you look so hot doing it,

and I came up with a
weekly paycheck. [Chuckles]

So here you go. You
figured out my value?

Yeah. You know, stuff like
cooking, laundry, day care.

And I didn't include, uh, you
know, 'cause that would be illegal.

Why would you think that you
could treat me like an employee?

- Do you think that the money
that we make is yours?
- [Reba Laughs]

It's a big ol' joke, Cheyenne.

Van, tell her it's a joke... a
big, ol', dumb, dangerous joke.

Why would I say that?
You're the one who told

me to do it. Wha...
You told him to pay me?

No, I didn't say that. I just
told him to think about it.

You told Van to
think? Are you insane?

What is that? Is that an insult?

Oh.

All right. Fine, Cheyenne.
I'll answer your question.

Yes. I think the money
that I make is mine.

And why would I think
a crazy thing like that?

Oh, that's right. 'Cause when the
paychecks come, they have my name on 'em.

You know what? I cannot believe
that I said that you were sensitive.

You're not sensitive.
You're a butt!

And as for you, Mom, I can't call
you a butt because you're my mom.

But if you weren't, I would. Except
that I won't be talking to you, so I can't!

Oh, and, Van, these
shoes... They weren't on sale.

And I bought two pair!

Cheyenne. Van, go after her.

- Tell her you made a mistake.
- I made a big mistake,

all right, when I
took your advice.

That's the last time I listen
to you when you're drunk.

Oh. Are you talking
to me this morning?

If you are, I'd sure like a
chance to explain what happened.

[Beeping]

[Phone Rings]

[Reba On Answering Machine] Hi. This
is Reba. Leave a message after the beep.

[Beeps] I'm sorry. I've reached a
number that I'm not speaking to.

All you had to do was say no.

Cheyenne, I know
you're still mad at me,

but flushing the toilet when someone's in
the shower isn't just mean, it's dangerous.

So you're still
not talking to me?

- Mom.
- Oh, you're talking to me now?

Actually, I'm just
talking to myself out

loud. Cheyenne, if
Van tries to talk to you,

try and figure out a way to let
him know you're not talking to him.

Okay, Cheyenne. I will.

Van. It's Van. Nice choice
in the wife, you moron.

Reba. It's Reba. How's it
working out living in a nuthouse?

Jake, what are you doing home? Aren't
you supposed to be on your way to school?

This morning, I was out on
the lawn pulling dandelions...

Nature's beautiful
yellow garbage...

When I saw my stepson...

struggling under the weight
of his enormous backpack.

[Loud Clunk]

What the heck is in there? It
wasn't that heavy when you left.

Sodas. I don't believe this.

It's not what you think.
Sometimes on the way to school,

I run into homeless
people who really love soda.

Oh, really? [Coins Jingling]

And sometimes they need...
change for a dollar? Oh, Jake.

Okay. We don't have
time to talk about this now.

We will have a long conversation
when you get home from school.

Now get.

Reba, a long conversation
is not gonna do anything.

But I know what will:
military school. [Pops]

Barbra Jean, I don't need
help raising my kids. Oh.

I've been doing this a long time.
They've all turned out pretty well.

All right. [Van]
You're just a big baby.

Oh! Oh! If someone's talking to me, I
can't hear them. [Imitates Baby Wailing]

Especially if they're
a big gigantic butt.

Where are your
diapers, you big baby?

So, military school, huh?

[Knocks] Hey, Mr. H.

I need some advice. Advice?

You know, Van, I always hoped
we'd have a relationship like this.

You know, that you'd
look at me as a mentor.

As a guy that you could
come to... Need it today, Mr. H.

Okay. So what's the problem?

Well, Cheyenne and I had
a big fight about money. Ah.

And she's mad at me because I
said I think the money I make is mine.

And I need to know how to
explain it to her so she'll understand.

[Exhales]

Okay, Van. It's time.

I'm going to tell you
something now...

Something that all men get
told when the time is right.

Yeah? It is the deepest secret
in the fellowship of the husbands.

It's the bedrock truth
upon which all else sits.

It is, in fact... Today,
Mr. H. Need it today.

Okay. You ready? Yeah.

It's not your money. What?

Don't say it, Mr. H, 'cause if
you say it, then there's no hope.

There is no hope,
buddy. Wake up. Face it.

But the checks have
my name written on 'em!

The checks have your
name on 'em? Yeah!

You're an idiot.

All right. Look. I'm
sorry for being so direct,

but the best way is to absorb
it all at once. [Shudders]

Yeah. You okay? [Shudders]

I'm a little nauseous. Yeah,
well, deep breaths, kid.

[Exhales Deeply] Deep breaths.

[Chuckles] Yeah,
I once felt like you.

Yeah, back in the day
when I also believed...

whether I was gonna play
golf that week was my decision.

But I found out
I was living a lie.

You're in a marriage, Van.

There is very little "mine"
and "yours" in a marriage...

and a whole lot of... "ours."

But maybe that can change.

Maybe it's just that no
one's ever tried yet, huh?

There isn't a guy walking
out of divorce court...

that didn't once believe
he was the chosen one.

No, Van. You have to accept
this. Okay. I can accept it.

I... I can accept that the money
I make is also Cheyenne's.

I can. But you mean to tell me that I'm
not even allowed to say I think it's mine?

And now comes the hope.

There is a place where you
can do that. It's a wonderful place.

Yeah? Van, I think it's time
you learned how to play golf.

You're coming with me on Saturday!
Yeah. We're gonna go golfing?

- Yeah, buddy.
- Oh.

Hey. Hello, boys.

Hey. What's going on?

Oh, we're just shooting the
breeze. Hey. Listen to this.

Van's coming golfing
with me on Saturday. Yeah.

- Golf?
- Yeah.

- Oh, I don't think so, honey.
- Huh?

Until we get this situation
with the I.R.S. figured out,

we need to be more
careful with our money.

Don't you think?

Yes. Of course.

Look, Mr. H... Just go.

Oh. Hey.

If you're talking to me, hello.

If you're not talking
to me, hello anyway.

I'm no longer mad at you.

I discussed this with
the people at my meeting,

and they suggested that I
act with grace and maturity.

Hmm.

Oh, shoot. The boss is
here. We better look busy.

Is that shiny enough
for you, Mr. Montgomery,

sir? I wanna earn my paycheck.

[Chuckles]

What are you doing?

What does it look like she's doing?
She's acting with grace and maturity.

You know, Cheyenne, I don't
consider myself your boss,

but if I did, your file would
have a big red sticker on it...

that said "Bad Attitude"!

You know what, Van? When we got
married, you shouldn't have said "I do."

You should have
said "You're hired."

[Laughs] Aw.

Oh, look at you. You're talking to
each other. I'm goin' to the golf course.

Okay. Van, stop. Cheyenne, stop.

If you guys aren't in
the mood to talk, I am.

So sit down, shut up and listen.

She's gonna say it's my fault.
No, she's gonna say it's my fault.

Well, you're both
wrong, 'cause it's my fault.

Oh, Mrs. H, I don't blame you.

You were loaded.

Look, guys. I think this thing
between Brock and the I.R.S...

has got me a little
nutty in the money area.

Yeah, well, maybe, but it's okay,
'cause you've been under a lot of stress.

Well, I'll tell you
the truth, Cheyenne.

Where there's money,
there will always be stress.

Whether you have
money or if you don't.

It'll always be a
large pain in the rear.

That's why couples
don't wanna talk about it.

And that's where the trouble starts.
And that's what I was trying to prevent.

Nice job.

Don't avoid this issue,
guys. It will never go away.

[Exhales]

[Sighs]

Look.

I'm sorry I said I think the
money I make is mine...

just because I earn it and the
checks have my name written on 'em.

That's not why I got mad, Van.

I got mad because I
don't make any money.

And every time I worry about
that, I tell myself that it's okay...

because I think of all the
other things I do for the family.

Exactly. That's what I was
trying to show you with the check.

This is gonna sound stupid, Van, but I
felt like you devalued everything I do...

by putting a value on it.

Oh, honey. No.

You are the heart
and soul of our family.

Money we can always find.

But you give us something
that we can't find anyplace else.

You know what that is?

Cheyenne-ism.

You're just saying
that. No, baby, look.

I-I could give up my job,
my stuff, my everything.

It can all be replaced, but there's
something that can never be replaced...

You.

Oh. Hmm?

Baby. Yeah?

Let's try to never fight
about money again.

Deal. Okay.

Mmm. [Sighs]

[Murmurs] So, hey.

Yeah? What do you say we go
upstairs and you make a little overtime?

Mmm.

You can't afford me.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hey. Mom.

[Door Closes] I was just
going to my room to... pray.

Well, I already prayed.
God wants you to sit.

Jake, what were you
thinking selling those sodas?

Why am I in trouble for
being a good businessman?

Do you realize that
when I'm a millionaire...

this will be the cute
story you tell Larry King.

Watch it, Jake. Being
dishonest is not funny.

Yeah, well, neither
is being poor.

What do you mean by that?

Forget it. What's my punishment?

No, I'm not gonna forget it.
What are you talking about?

All everybody talks about around here
lately is how we don't have any money.

Well, I'm trying to do
something about that.

So you were doing all
that just for the family?

Yes.

Okay, Jake. Here's
your punishment.

You have to listen to what
I'm gonna say right now...

and remember it for
the rest of your life.

Couldn't you just whack me?

Listen to me.

Honey, you will have
opportunities your whole life...

to break the rules and
to cheat to get money.

Sweet! Jake.

Now, if you take advantage
of these opportunities,

even if you get the
money, you will be poor.

You may have a lot of
money, but you will be poor.

Do you understand
what I'm saying here?

Yes. Good.

Now, you might oughta
go tell Barbra Jean what

you've been up to,
'cause she's really upset.

[Chuckles Nervously]
I already did.

[Door Opens]

Jake, delivery time!

I also brought candy,

'cause I think we're leaving a lot of
money on the table by not offering sweets.

Crap!

Acme! [Coughing]