Queen of Oz (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - There's a New Queen in Town - full transcript

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MUSlC: Water Music by
George Frideric Handel

Stand up, please.

Hello. Your Royal Highness.

What a remarkable
school you have here,

filled with absolutely
wonderful children.

Thank you. These are some
of our best and brightest.

And I hear you're
celebrating an anniversary.

That's right. Clayton House
is celebrating our 75th year

of teaching ambitious learners
and creating future leaders.

Marvellous, and how
wonderful they all are.

One of our pupils is a huge admirer
of Your Royal Highness and has made



a special gift to
commemorate your visit.

Hello there. What's your name?

Molly Esmond.

It's a pleasure to
meet you, Molly Esmond.

I'm Princess Georgiana.

What have you got there?

Erm, it's the palace
where you live.

Aren't you a clever girl?

Thank you.

And you've even got some of
my favourite artwork in there.

Yes. This is the portrait
of Agatha Bas by Rembrandt.

And this one is by Rubens.

And this one is by...

VOMITS



Oh, God.

CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK

Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.

Oh, my goodness me.

Oh, it's all right.

I'm sure it'll be
absoutely fine.

Sorry.

Oh, gosh. Weill, there we go.

Take a seat.

Sorry, darling.

Oh, sweetheart,
are you all right?

You smell like my grandad.

Thank you.

He's an alcoholic.

Weill, Princess Georgiana might
have had a bit of a late night,

but she's all better now, so...

So...

And for being such a
brave young lady, Molly,

I'm... I'm going to
make it up to you.

VOMITS

SHUTTERS CLICK

Shall we get going?

Well, another Georgie
story coming up.

She is splattered,
excuse the pun,

across the headlines
this morning.

She just lurches from
one scandal to the next.

Will this woman single-handedly
bring down the monarchy?

I didn't think so, until
she sicked on a child.

Can someone not just
stop this woman?

I mean, what... What's happened?
Am I allowed to say that?

Waste of space. Waste of time.

Waste of money as well.

Exactly.

How can you be sick on somebody?

She hasn't got the decorum
that the royals require.

Can this woman ever
put a foot right?

She is a total embarrassment.

A disaster for this country.

Can we please throw her
out to an island on her own

and never have to
talk about her again?

She's a bloody numpty, mate.

I mean, it is beyond
embarrassing now, isn't it?

I mean, the original
party princess,

but she has gone
beyond the pale now.

What are they going
to do with her?

Your Royal Highness.

So, the palace's private secretary
also moonlights as a baby-sitter.

That's very kind
of you, Michael.

That you haven't been
returned to the palace

in the back of a police car
is gratitude enough, ma'am.

Come on, then.

Give me my talking to.

I will pretend to care,
you'll pretend to believe me

and we can both be on our way.

Are you aware Australia
has a new Prime Minister?

Sure.

Well, she is considering...

She! OK!

She is considering a referendum

to have Australia
leave the Commonwealth.

Who cares? It's Australia.

Well, if Australia were to
fall, ma'am, it could start

a domino effect, causing other
countries to leave one by one

until none are left.

Will there be a
quiz on this later?

Your parents believe that a
sovereign on Australian soil

could turn back this rising
tide of republican discontent.

Another royal visit? Already?

Weren't they just there
like 12 years ago?

They're not going to visit.

You're going, for good.

Would you mind repeating that?

After much consideration,

it's been decided that your mother,
the Queen, will abdicate her throne

and that you will be
installed as their queen.

What are you talking about?

We think it best to
put a bit of distance

between you and the palace.

And by a bit of distance,
I mean 10,555 miles.

There's also the chance,
given real responsibility,

that you may grow up and do
your family proud for once.

Plus Australia get
their own monarch,

which should shut
them up for a while.

It would create a
constitutional crisis!

I'm not even the
heir, Freddy is.

All resolved and approved by
government. Very exciting.

They wouldn’t. They have.
They couldn't. They can.

I want to speak to my parents.

Sadly, they're unavailable.

However, they did press upon me
to wish you a very bon voyage.

SHE SCREAMS

Prime Minister, there’s a real
sense that Australians are resenting

this idea of having a
queen foisted upon them.

As a republican yourself,
how are you squaring it?

I'm sure Queen Georgiana will
be an asset and I'm confident

Australians will join me in
welcoming her to our great country.

She's a pretty divisive figure.

Isn't she just going
to be our problem now?

I can assure you this is only
good news and I'm sure Her Majesty

is very excited to be
joining us as our very own...

Queen of fucking Australia.

Unbelievable. You vomit
on one little girl.

It's net like I killed her.

Can you imagine where they'd
be sending us if you had?

If I had what? If you had
killed that sweet little girl.

Kentucky.

Isn't there something you
should be doing, Anabel?

I should probably
floss my teeth.

As my lady-in-waiting?

Floss your teeth?

Or I could sort out
your arrival outfit.

That one. Good choice.

I can floss your teeth later.

This is your captain speaking.

We will be arriving
in Sydney in 14 hours.

I can hear you breathing,
Matthew. What do you want?

Actually, it's... Yes?

It's just that... Never mind.

I have the menu for
the welcome reception.

Read the mask.

Right.

You're very nervous.

Sorry. It's my first day
and... It's irritating.

Sorry, ma'am.

Don't call me ma'am.

I won't. How dare you!

You just said not to...

I didn't mean it. Or did I?

I'm very difficult
to read, Matthew.

I'm an oxymoron.

I despise pomp, yet
crave circumstance.

Have fun with that.

No, yes, yes, no, not
if it's Australian.

Yes, no, not if I'm hung over,

Only if I'm hung over.

God!

These two are a joke.

What could you possibly
think the panicky Aussie

and my halfwit cousin
bring to the table?

New queen, new start, new staff.

I don't mind that
they're new, Bernard.

I mind that they suck
a big dog's dick.

Majesty, I beg you to please
curtail your language.

At least try to keep in mind that
you are now the Queen of Australia.

Weill, there's lucky, because
in Australia that language

is positively regal.

If I were you, I wouldn't try to
mock the people I need to win over.

If you were me, Bernard, this
thong would be awfully tight.

I'm just saying it
would be a lot easier

if I could have
kept my old staff.

Yes, but, sadly, it appears
there's no such thing as loyalty

to the crown when
you are wearing it.

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

"Yes, but, sadly, it appears
there's no such thing

"as loyalty to the crown
when you are wearing it."

That's not even true.

My staff were allay,
dutiful and dedicated.

"A spoiled, incompetent mess."

"Lazy, belligerent, with
no sense of purpose."

"An awful, awful,
awful experience.

"Actually, may I add
another awful to that?"

Do you know where
these are from?

Reviews of the latest Avatar?

Exit interviews of your loyal,
dutiful and dedicated staff.

Are you sure? Because I've
seen the latest Avatar.

Point being, no-one who has worked
for you could be dragged here.

So why did you come?

I work for your
parents, not you.

As a favour, they asked me
to come out of retirement

and act as your
private secretary,

and out of devotion to them and the
crown, I complied with their wishes.

Hm. What's the real reason?

Retirement told me many things.

The most interesting
being, I loathe my wife.

Mm. Me too.

This is the outfit you planned
for my arrival in Australia?

A woollen suit?

Uh, a vintage
Chanel woolen suit.

I In 45-degree heat?

Erm, I don't think so. We're
in the middle of January.

We're also in the
Southern Hemisphere?

So the season are reversed?

So what month is this, then?

It's still January,
but it's their summer.

But it's still winter
for us, though.

Not if we're in Australia,
you vacant tart.

Right.

You still don't get it, do you?

Not yet.

Oh, now I get it.

That outfit is wholly
inappropriate for the season.

The sweat is already
pouring down my thighs.

That's the beauty of wool -
it'll absorb it in no time.

SHUTTERS CLICK

HUBBUB

Ma'am, this is Officer Marc Kemarre,
head of your new security detail.

Your Majesty. Officer
Kemarre is a highly decorated

tactical assault commando in
the Australian Special Forces.

He is also a Black Hawk helicopter
pilot who has served in...

Some war somewhere. Thank you.

Tell me, does this impressive
skill set include driving cars?

It does. Air-conditioned
ones? Yes.

Weill, then, could you tell me
why I'm not in one right now

instead of standing out
here while my hair melts?

Right this way, ma’am.

PRESS CLAMOUR

Dear God. Get these
tights off me.

Get these tights off me!

Get these tights off me now.

I'm assuming those were all official
palace photographers back there

so they won’t put out
anything unflattering.

I'm not sure that's
the case in Australia.

They've released them?

Erm, no. Yes, they have.

How bad are they?

They're not bad at all.
Do I look sweaty? No.

Do I look fat? No!

Oh, God, do I look like my
mother? You looked great.

Liar! Show me.

I'd rather not.

Show me now or I will have those
tiny little girl hands cut off.

Oh, my God.

I look like I finished a marathon
and celebrated with a stroke.

I don't, I don't
think you look...

Why would you show me those?

What? Why on God’s green
earth would you show me these?

You told me to.
That is no excuse.

You said you'd cut off my hands.

That is still happening.

God save the Queen.

May I present the Australian
Prime Minister Rebecca Stewart?

Your Majesty, it's a pleasure
to welcome you to Australia.

Is it? I doubt that.

You've had the whole
country all to yourseff

and now here we are having to go
sharesies. That's got to hurt.

Not at all.

It's a privilege to play a
part in this historic event.

It's an exciting time for Australia
and I'm here to be of service to you

in any way I can.

Weill, you can start by telling
me what that monstrosity is.

This is a specially commissioned
piece of art to celebrate

the beginning of your reign.

It's made from hand -dried
native flowers collected from

national parks of every
state in Australia.

You look like a thinner version
of me. Was that deliberate?

Ma'am, may I introduce
you to Weiwei Weng?

Weiwei has been master of the
household for the last 16 years.

Your Majesty, may I
introduce you to Jack?

Jack has been... I'm just
going to stop you there.

If you intend on doing that
to every person lined up here,

that's a hard pass from me.

Don't get me wrong, I love
the whole Downtown Abbey vibe.

Cannot get enough of that shit.

But let's face it, I'm not going
to remember anyone's name, am I?

No offense, Weng Weng.
It’s Weiwei, ma’am.

Weiwei Weng. Not
Weng Weng Weng.

I rest my case, case, case.

And these are your
living quarters, ma’am.

Weill, I can see why it's
called Macquarie House,

not Macquarie Palace.

Why have they put us in storage?

Oh, no, no, no.
This will never do.

Depressing, shoddy, cringe,

German. You getting
all this down?

You threw away my laptop.

Oh, and that's my
fault now, is it?

No.

Hey, I 'm Zoe.

I 'm your new director
of communications.

Wow, nice digs.

So, erm, how was the flight?

Are you just slumped
AF with jet lag?

Nice to meet you, Zoe.

I am rather slumped, yes,
thank you for asking.

If I may be so bold, the correct
way to address me is ma'am,

not hey. Unless, of course, you’re
suggesting we throw 1, TOO years

of protocol out the window because
you've had your face pierced.

So rude.

I 'm sorry, ma’am.

I just thought... Yes,
well, please don't.

It's highly overrated.

Isn't that right, Anabel?

Tuna melt, if they have it.

So if you wanted...
And while we're at it,

taking a seat while the Queen
is standing is another no-no.

Isn’t he sitting? I don't
count. I too am slumped AF.

I was under the impression I
was hired because you wanted

the Australians to
see you as an equal.

Why on earth would I want that?

To help modernise the monarchy?

Are you a republican?

Republican? No, I wouldn’t
call myself a republican,

although I have seen The
Princess Diaries like 20 times.

But I guess I'm open
to asking the question.

What question is that?

Whether being born...
into unearned privilege

is an outdated... concept.

That is the exact
definition of a republican.

Let's get rid of this one
before she cuts off my head.

Wait, wait, wait. Ma’am, if
I could just plead my case.

I am very good at what I do.

I'm at the cutting edge
of PR and social media,

I'm very well connected and
I will make it my mission

to turn your reign
into a global sensation

that is the envy of the world.

Can you introduce me to
the Hemsworth brothers?

All three of them.

Then you may stay.

Didn't know there were three.

Thank you, ma'am.
You won' regret it.

So, getting started.
Tonight’s welcome reception...

Hold on, not tonight, I've
been traveling for 24 hours.

I know, long haul's a killer, but
this was agreed two weeks ago.

Yes, but not for today. I
agreed to do it tomorrow.

No. When you agreed to it,
today would have been tomorrow.

No, tomorrow would
have been tomorrow.

No, tomorrow would have
been two days after today.

I think the mix-up is you agreed to
do it tomorrow because you didn't

realise that tomorrow
was today in Australia.

Because when you agreed to do it
tomorrow, you were in England,

where it was yesterday.

What are you, a
fucking Time Lord now?

Just got back from the planet
of the tiny doll hands?

How are we only now figuring
out the bloody time difference?

Planet of the tiny doll
hands! That's funny.

OK, right. That's...
just get out.

Please, everyone, just get out.

I'll just have my tuna
melt in my room. Out!

Well, that could
have gone better.

I ...hate... Australia!

That's why they've sent me here.

Punishment.

When I was 13, they shipped me
off to boarding school in Canberra

for a year. It was misery.

I was bullied relentlessly.

They called me all
sorts of names.

Ranga, Pom pig, bush pig,

Mick Hucknalll, Princess
Drongo, Princess Pisspot...

I'm sorry you were on the
receiving end of some hurtful

albeit highly amusing nicknames,

but let's not lose sight
of why you're here, ma'am.

Your shenanigans have
brought the British monarchy

to a near collapse. Not something
one particularly wants on one's CV.

Nor is a CV something
one particularly wants.

Nevertheless, you're going to be
needing one if you cock this up

and they cut you off, because
that's what's on the cards, my dear.

This is your last chance to
continue living as a royal.

It's Australia or bust.

I'm a PR disaster, Bernard.

How am I going to
pull this off?!

Now's the time to dig in, ma'am.

For once, show
yourself to be an asset

rather than a liability.

I won't lie,

it won't be easy for
someone like you.

None taken.

However, I do believe somewhere
inside your spoilt, insolent,

brattish being there lies
a queen ready to burst out.

Thank you, Bernard.

Sadly, that might be the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.

I know.

Question. Hm?

What if this queen
ready to burst out

ends up being so majestically
on point the whole Commonwealth

wants a piece of her?

Let's not get ahead of
ourselves, Princess Pisspot.

There's every chance she'll fuck
things up by this time tomorrow.

By which I mean today.

Your Majesty.

Mick Hucknall! HE LAUGHS

I can hear you.

Jesus Christ, Anabel,
stop faffing about.

Sorry, I'm just trying
to push in your back fat.

ZOE GASPS Holy
shit. Look at you.

You look hot as hell right now.

Oh, I'm glad you’ve taken my
note about decorum on board, Zoe.

All right, then. Are we all set?

Everybody’s waiting,
room’s packed.

Dignitaries, titans of industry,
media moguls. This is your moment.

It’s showtime.
Good luck, ma'am.

You're going to be amazing.

Just be yourself.
Yeah, just be myself.

Team Queen.

Are you ready to
start your reign?

I was born ready.

Make sure they don't
photograph her from behind.

♪ Hands up and touch the sky

♪ Yo, yo, we gon
fly tonight... ♪

Ready, ma'am? Yes. Let's go.

Your Majesty, may I present, the
Prime Minister of New Zealand,

Mr George Martin. How do you do?

♪ I got the ride,
I got the cribs

♪ I got the chicks, I got
the money, money, money... ♪

Drink up. It's all free.

Oh, no, I think it's too cheap.

Hello.

You two!

Thank you so much.

He still owes me money.

It's lovely to meet you.

Prime Minister. Your Majesty.

May I introduce Richard
Steele, CEO of Steele Media?

Your Majesty. How do you do?

Very well, thank you.
We were just discussing

the Prime Minister’s initiative
to help end world hunger by 2030.

2O3O??

Let's not rush into anything.

It's not like there's
anyone starving to death

right now, is there?

If I may ask, where
DO your passions lie?

Which causes do you
intend to champion?

Oh, you know, the poor,
the meek, the mild -

all the big hitters, really.

We will be outlining all the Queen's
Patronages in the coming weeks.

Child labour. Excuse me?

That's another one.

Against it, not for it.

Unless, of course,
they enjoy it.

Pride in one's work
can be very empowering.

It's a complicated
issue, for sure.

I think you’re going to
be very good for business.

Awfully sorry to interrupt.

I need to steal Her Majesty
away for a moment. Do excuse me.

Did you hear? What am
I passionate about?

Oh, let me think - getting
the fuck out of Australia.

Does that answer your
question, you nosy twat?

Oh, we need to find a charity for
mild people I can put my name to.

I shall get right on to that.

What's this?

Sorry. Hello. Sir, hello?

You, sir.

It's Weiwei, ma'am.

Yes, way, way too many vowels.

Why are we serving these?

I specifically said only
serve these if I'm hung over.

Is Her Majesty not hung over?

Why would you think she is?

I would say mainly this.

Go away, Weiwei. Ma'am.

Ma'am, we have an
issue with your speech.

No, I'm absolutely not
cutting the koala joke.

They're going to love it.
No, we don’t HAVE the speech.

What? It was on my laptop
that you threw out the window.

My brand - new laptop that was a
good - luck-in-your-new-job gift

from my fiancee. So new, in fact,
that it hadn't been backed up yet.

But I'm over that now.

And great news, I've
remembered most of it.

Introduction.

Something nice about Australia.

The bit you thought was boring
about UK-Aussie relations.

Beef.

Thank yous.

Smile.

Beef? One of our main exports.

It wasn't in the original speech,
but I thought it might give you

something to run with.
You have got to be joking.

How can I stand up
there without a speech?!

Ladies and gentlemen, Her Majesty
Queen Georgiana of Australia.

APPLAUSE You’re going
to be amazing. Am I?

Team Queen. I'm going
to have you killed.

My fellow Australians,

it is an honour to stand here
before you as your Queen.

I do so with humility and pride,
and I pledge to serve you always

and honour this duty
bestowed upon me.

APPLAUSE

Australia is a
magnificent country.

Rich in its unique culture
and traditions and renowned,

of course, for its... beef.

Australia's cattle rearing and
subsequent butchery of livestock

are the envy of slaughterhouses
around the world.

I know if I were a cow, I 'd
choose to have my throat slashed

on Australian soil.

MURMURING

The... longstanding ties between the
United Kingdom and Australia are...

ongoing and remain...

a thing.

So that's good.

If I may speak freely -

and let's face it, who's going to stop me?
-

truth be told, this
wasn't my planned speech.

LAUGHTER

Hardly surprising, given
the detour about beef.

LAUGHTER

To be completely honest, I'm
so jet-lagged I don't even know

if I'm facing the right way.

SHOUT FROM THE BACK

Oh, I didn't quite catch that,

but I'm going to assume
you're on side, sir.

I am, after all, your Queen,

and reserve the right to
throw you in the tower.

We still do that, you know.

And don't think we haven't got
one here because I asked them

to build it before I arrived.

So, two lesbian koalas
walk into a bar...

SILENCE

just be yourself?!?!

The last person you should
be telling me to be is me.

And how dare you let
me tell that joke?

They found it highly offensive.

It's already trending
on Steele News.

Jesus Christ, do you have
control over anything?!

I thought the beef
stuff went well.

I thought the beef
stuff went well too.

Actually, I thought the
beef stuff saved us.

Didn't you, Matthew? Team Queen.

Team Shit!

That's what you all are.

Team Shit.

Is everything all right?
Yes, thank you, Rebecca.

Everything's peachy! I'm just
debriefing here with Team Shit.

Bet your team aren't
shit, are they?

Bet you don't even
need a team, do you?

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

IMITATES ACCENT: I'm the Prime
Minister and I'm just perfect!

I'm going to end world
hunger all by myself!

Hmm? Hmm.

It's been a long day,
a lot of excitement.

Perhaps everyone
should sleep on it

and tomorrow you can figure out
where it all went so horribly wrong.

Ma'am.

We already know that bit!

It was Team Shit, and I'm
getting T-shirts printed.

Super.

No, Anabel, it is not super.

It is very, very,
very not super.

And I'm putting
that on the back!

Except that might draw attention
to the fat roll below your bra.

Fuck me!

Just put me down
for an extra small.

Who's on T-shirts?

I 'd like a minute
to myself, please.

Sorry, Your Majesty. I can’t
let you be out here on your own,

for safety reasons.

Oh, it's all right. I'm not
going to throw myself off.

I don't think my speech was
that bad. Do you? No, ma'am.

Then again, I'm not
a lesbian koala.

What's your name again?

Marc.

Bit boring, isn't it?

It's Marc with a C.

Cark??

The C’s at the end.

Makes more sense.

Please leave me alone,
I shall be fine.

This is a residential area,
ma'am. It's my job to protect you.

Protect me from what?
Someone stealing my Wi-Fi?

Are you supposed to
take a bullet for me?

Let’s hope it
never gets to that.

But let's suppose. It's probably
somewhere in the small print, yes.

I'm sure you've been briefed.

I'm a loose Cannon, a fuck-up
and a liability, if you will.

I believe it was headstrong
and unconventional.

Which is British for a
fuck-up and a liability.

At least it's not boring.

Weill, sorry to
disappoint everyone,

but there's a new queen waiting
to burst out, apparently.

And she's not going to
put another foot wrong,

even in this 10,000-miles-from-home
dust bowl of an inferno.

None taken.

Goodnight.

Cark..

♪ Pleased to meet you

♪ Satan's my name

♪ I can make you sin

♪ I can make you feel pain

♪ I can twist

♪ I can make you seduce me

♪ Want to do the Watusi?

♪ You can call me Lucy

♪ Satan Satan's a woman

♪ Satan Yeah, I'm a woman

♪ Satan Satan's a woman

♪ Satan Oh, yeah,
I'm the evil one. ♪