Psych (2006–2014): Season 5, Episode 15 - Psych - full transcript

When a polar bear trainer is found dead, Shawn works to prove the bear's innocence.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Okay, everyone, can I have
your attention, please?


One, two, three, eyes on me.

Excuse me.

Listen up!

This is my kid sister
Lauren Lassiter.

- Hello everybody!
- Come on, man. Who is she really?

- There's no way she's your sister.
- Stop screwing with us.

- This is my sister.
- Not genetically, though, right?

Yes, genetically, you idiot.

What's the matter with you?

Okay, all right, I get it.

There might be a little age
difference between us,

but I can assure you,
although she may not have been

traditionally planned,

she was a happy accident.

So my kid sister here

is a very talented filmmaker,

and she's working
on her graduate thesis.

It's going to be
a documentary film

about the nitty-gritty
police work.

Yes, I want to document
how real crime is solved.

And I couldn't imagine
a better way

than to follow

my amazing, awe-inspiring
big brother Carlton.

Now she is going
to be following me 24/7,

- waking and sleeping.
- Not sleeping.

Obviously, the subject
of said film is me.

However, some of you
may find yourself

on camera
as background players,

atmosphere, nothings.

No, no, no, no, no.

These are very important roles.
All of you.

I'm warning you.
No showboating.

Do you understand?

What the hell do you think
you're doing?

Putting away a file.

And why is that, huh?

You're trying to get
on camera, aren't you?

I'm a file clerk.

That's what I do.
Put files away.

Oh, and you just had to come
all the way over here to do it?

This is where the file cabinet is.



Um, chief Vick got a call
about a body at the zoo.

Nice! Excellent.
Yes! Sweet.

Sweet? Nice?
Somebody's dead.

There's nothing really nice
about it.

Um, it's been assigned to us.

It is our case.

This is weird.

All right, people,
did you hear that?

We have a case to solve.

All right.
High fives.

- How was that?
- It was good.

Um, I was an accident?

You know, this doesn't seem

like a normal, city-issued
police vehicle.

Good eye. It isn't.
Cruiser's in the shop.

This is my personal vehicle.

It's a Ford Fusion.

It's a hybrid.

It's new.

Sort of the trappings that come

with my station in life.

You mounted a police radio
in your personal car?

Are you kidding?

I'm having one built
for my shower.

I'm a 21st-century
crime fighter.

I'm very dialed in

with all the latest,
cutting-edge technologies.

In fact, here, look at this.

- See this?
- Mm-hmm.

The sync button.
With one finger,

I can access
your daily horoscope.

Horoscope: Pisces.

Today's horoscope.

It's time
to get others' opinions

and feedback about yourself...

You realize we're going
to be late

to our own crime scene.

Detective O'Hara's right.
We should probably go.

Hey, but later maybe we can see
how this baby does

in a high-speed pursuit, huh?

How do you know
there's gonna be a pursuit?

I have my ways.

Hey, Lassie.
Hi, Jules.

How'd you guys find out
about this already?

Well, first off,

Gus follows several
of the zebras on Twitter,

and his phone is blowing up
with tweets.

I follow the exotic birds,

but they're actually tweeting.

And finally we heard someone
was making a motion picture.

Now wait a minute, Lassie,

this can't be your sister.

She seems so normal
and humanlike.

- And perfect.
- Stop it.

That's Lassie's sister.
They share the same DNA.

Sharing is caring.

I will not let this happen,
I promise you.

- Please, I'm a player.
- Hello.

I'm Shawn Spencer.
This is my partner Radio Star.

I'm afraid your video
will kill him.

That's not true.

The name is Burton,
and the camera has loved me

since I've been a baby.

I know all about you guys.

I did my research.

- Really?
- Oh, great.

So then you know
that Gus has hepatitis K.

- What are you doing?
- I am preventing a nightmare.

What are you doing?

Would you just...
just...Come on.

Just come on.

Free the bear!

Free the bear!
Free the bear!

- Free the bear!
- Back off, hippie.

- Free the bear!
- They're protesters, Carlton.

- Same diff.
- Free the bear!

Free the bear!
Free the bear!

- Free the bear!
- Um, I'm not trying

to be involved with bear crime,

What'd you think
it was gonna be

when you heard
"body at the zoo," Gus?

Some guy got killed
by giraffe kisses?

The bear apparently turned
on its trainer

Jasper Zane in the middle
of the night last night.

Zoo officials found his body
this morning.

My God, that was terrible.

Can I do that again?

What, are we
the animal cops now?

Whoa, whoa, guys.
Get her out of here.

No spectators, ma'am.
Please back up.

I'm not a spectator.
My name is Gemma Kraemer,

and that trainer was my fiancé.

Oh, well, um,

I'm gonna need
to take your statement.

Jasper rescued this bear
as a cub.

He loved it.
He devoted his life to it.

And now this happens?
This shouldn't have happened.

All right, I'm sorry.

Everybody, hold on.

Has anyone touched that body?

Psst. Come here.

I've got to go in there.

How do I actually get in there?

All right, Lulu,

let me show you
how a detective surveys

a crime scene.

There's a very specific method
to it, an order.


Oh, it's short for Lewis.

He gave me the nickname
when I was a kid

because I was a tomboy.

A late bloomer.

Better late than never.

Stop it.
Stop it.

Wow. What must it be like
to have the privilege

to work alongside my brother
every day?

- Isn't he amazing?
- You're amazing.

The way you press
that record button and whatnot.

He used to run hurdles
in high school

until he strained his groin.

You know, Gus here
doesn't have a groin.

And that's a true story.

- Oh.
- Lulu!


'Cause you're being
super creepy.

Okay, here we go.

So here's what happened.

Our trainer comes
in the enclosure after hours.

He startles the bear.

Based on the blood splatter,

the first strike is here.

Then he was knocked
over these rocks,

dragged to this point here.

He was attacked again.
Eventually, he rolled down here,

coming to a stop,
where he expires

on the stairs.

You know what, I'm not sure
he didn't just fall.

Something isn't right.

Okay, Lu,

I'm gonna bring you
the good stuff.

I'm gonna say,
"The bear did it. Case closed."

At that point, you're probably
gonna want to come in

nice and close
to my face, okay?

Everybody, listen up.


I'm having a thought.

It's more of a revelation.


That polar bear
did not commit murder.

It was framed.

♪ ♪

♪ I know you know ♪

♪ that I'm not telling the truth ♪

♪ I know you know ♪

♪ they just don't have any proof ♪

♪ embrace the deception ♪

♪ learn how to bend ♪

♪ your worst inhibitions ♪

So when you said
that polar bear was framed,

was that a joke?

Nope, not a joke.

The part about me
not having a groin,

that was a joke.

So, like,

with the sea lion
and the dinosaur,

my brother tells me
that it is your M.O.

To come up
with something ridiculous

and just hope for the best.

Well, that and have
t-shirts made

of said hunch.

I'm trying to launch myself
a catchphrase.

Wow, you two really don't take
police work very seriously,

do you?

Well, that's really more Shawn.

I'm the more mature,
rational one.

At the root,
I'm mostly a businessman.

Oh, really?
You should see Gus

when he gets out of the shower.

He likes to be swaddled
and burped.

I believe they call that

He's crazy.

Be careful.
It can get hairy in here.


Wow, that really is
a dead body.

Is it weird for you guys

to be in the same room
with a corpse?


Oh, I'm fine over here

with the beakers and whatnot.

Just so I can finish
the paperwork,

tell me
the bear killed this guy.

In my professional opinion,

this was definitely
a bear attack.

Thank you.

Can you say that again
for the camera?

Whoa, whoa, what do you...

Wait, don't don't.

Isn't it possible that the bear
did not kill this man?

- Absolutely. Sure.
- What? Which is it?

I'm a people pleaser.

Young lady, what media outlet
were you from again?

Oh, it's
for my graduate thesis film.

Will it be entered
in any festivals

in the eastern hemisphere,
specifically the Philippines?

- Maybe.
- Oh, my God.

This is gonna be in festivals?

May we get on with the body,

Broken bones, check.

Lacerations, check.

Claw marks, check.

What is that voice?

I'm distorting it
for legal reasons.

That is a process done
in editing.

See, now I always thought

- people did that themselves.
- No.

Well, I'll be.

Here's something fun.

Let it be noted
that the victim's larynx

was crushed.

He was choked?

Polar bears
have opposable thumbs now?

And what about motive?

You can't convict
without motive.

I have motive.
The bear went bear.

- You're not helping.
- Not trying to.

- Stop hating on bears.
- If they stop first.

Come on, guys, this bear

is going to be euthanized
for no reason.

Uh, we need to get back
to the zoo.

O'Hara, stop making up things
to get on camera.



So, Mr. Banting,
what happened here?

The polar bear broke out
of the cage.

And then what do you think

He just bought some cotton candy
and walked out of the zoo?

Well, by the time
my team realized it was missing,

it got too big of a head start.

Well, I guess we know
what the bear would do

for a Klondike bar.

I just felt like my character
needed a joke.

Uh, what is that?

Oh, this a ring-tailed lemur.

He's been acting out,

experiencing depression,
very needy.

Hence the one-on-one attention.

Did you see any Coca-Colas or a sled?

I believe this might be
what he's using for nourishment,


And did anyone see a red scarf

or hear the sound,

That polar bear
was our main attraction.

Come on, don't look at me with
those judgmental eyes, Tobias.

- It is what it is.
- I got bear tracks.

Heading northwest.

All right, listen up.

I want a hard target search

on this killer bear.

We're gonna hunt
this thing down,

and we're gonna find it.

- Let's go.
- Go where?

Why are you harassing
the lemur?

- He started it.
- All right, look,

there's an innocent bear
loose in Santa Barbara.

We need to find it.

If there's a loose bear
running around in Santa Barbara,

I'm not in Santa Barbara.

You ever know a polar bear
that tried to force itself

into its cage?

No, Shawn, because
I don't know any polar bears.

And neither you do.

Sure, the fence was pushed out,

but the hinges broke inward,
and that tells the real story.

Free the bear!
Free the bear!

Free the bear!

That bear definitely had help.

And I have a decent idea
who's behind it.

I'm out.
You got this alone.

- Are you serious?
- I'm dead serious.

I don't even like bears
in fables, Shawn.

was a crazy blonde shorty

for going up in that house
in the first place.

- Don't say shorty.
- Shorty.

You're going to the bunny den,
aren't you?

Don't be making that
your business.

Why are you talking like that?

I'm deep in the streets, Shawn.

You're on a wooded path
to nowhere.

Just don't like bears, Shawn.

You're not here
to buy my van, are you?

Look, I'm a psychic.

I'm filthy good.

I have an appetite
for the truth.

So I'm gonna ask you
a very simple question.

Where is the bear?

Don't worry about the bear.

The bear is safe.

I'm the one that's trying
to keep it

from getting euthanized.

Oh, this is great news.

That means we're playing
for the same team.

You and me, we're the same.

Except I shower occasionally.

And I worked at an Arby's once.

Let me tell you something,

I'm not just some random
tree hugger, all right?

Don't try to put me
in your little box.

Here's one I bet
you didn't know.

I make my own bath salts.


I make people smell
like plums and sunshine.

Yeah, I do that.

Can I get you anything?

Uh, let's see.

You know what,
I'll have the beef dip.

I'm just kidding.

She took that so seriously.
Listen to me.

That bear is innocent.
You got me?

That bear didn't do anything.

You said so yourself
at the crime scene.

And I meant it.
Given time, I will prove it.

I will find the killer.

But think about this, dude,

I found you pretty easily.

Which means the head of the
Santa Barbara Police Department

and a bunch
of Animal Control officers

- aren't far behind.
- It's just...

There's not a lot of places
to take a polar bear

- in this city.
- But you're in luck.

You see, polar bear relocation

just happens
to be my specialty, Jack.

That and marzipan sugar

So you tell me
where the bear is,

I will help you,
and I will help the bear.

And I will sculpt you a swan

made entirely of molasses.

I want a turtle.


There it is.


Dude, dude, I know
what you're thinking here.

I don't think you do, Shawn.

Gus, I want you
to meet someone.

This is Macleod Sinclaire.

He is an activist,
and he knows bears.

Even the ones
that are bad news.

In fact, he lived
amongst them at Yellowstone,

and he has
a signed Dan Haggerty 8x10.

So you know
we're in good hands here.

Unless you tell me
he has super powers,

and one of them being
stronger than a bear...

Gus, see that wire?

That, my friend,
is an electric fence.

And the bear is trained
not to cross it.

It's not a real electric fence.

It's just there
to fool the bear.

How did that make sense
to say aloud?


I don't want to be
the uptight one here,

but we simply cannot keep a bear
in the Psych office,

held in by a piece
of kite string.

What do you want to do, huh?

Take it for a stroll
on the boardwalk?

We have to keep it hidden.

Man, Lassie is out there

with every available source
of manpower hunting it down.

He's hunting it
because it kills things, Shawn.

You know who kills things?


Zoos kill things.

Mind if I get
on my soapbox here?

I'd prefer you get
in the soapbox.

I showered yesterday.

You realize that's the day
before today.

Look, the point is, okay,

is that keeping animals
in fake rock habitats

with plastic kiddie pools
is criminal.

Anyone that had any heart,
any compassion at all,

would shut down all zoos,
especially one that would keep

a polar bear
in those conditions.

Animals were not meant
to be in captivity.

Or in my office.

I'll tell you what,

I don't feel
one ounce of sympathy

for that trainer, man.

You ask me, he had it coming.

Oh, yeah.

Will you excuse us
for just one moment, Macleod?


Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

That you aligned yourself
with a fanatical animal activist

who had a death wish
for our victim?

Oh, my gosh, you're totally
aiding and abetting a murderer.

I'm not doing anything, Shawn.

You're the one who brought

the world's largest
terrestrial predator

- into our kitchenette.
- Well, either way,

we need to get out there
so we can prove it.

- I agree.
- And we need to take the bear.

I do not agree, Shawn.

- What is wrong with you?
- Macleod!

How do you feel
about a coffee run, man?

I'm buying.

Is it organic?

All right, people, listen up.

This bear spent the night

and it's probably hungry by now.

There are more restaurants
and dumpsters per square foot

in this area than anywhere else
in the city.

We will cover every alleyway,
every back way,

every rooftop until we find it.

This bear will not escape me.

Let's go.
Fan out.

Get it.

Are we seriously doing this?

Look, I called Benihana,

and much to my chagrin,
they could not accommodate

a table for two
plus an 800-pound polar bear.

We need to start thinking
like a bear.

I'm not gonna maul
an innocent hiker, Shawn.

Hello, and welcome
to Crabby Mel's.

- What can I get you?
- Uh, what do you want, a coke?

Can we have two cokes,
a large fry,

and 128 Crabby Mel
fish sandwiches.

Tartar sauce, no buns.

- Shawn.
- What?

We need to pay a visit
to the trainer's house.

Whoever wanted him dead
may have left a trail.

Or a picnic basket.

You didn't even consider
asking Lassiter to get a key?

It's much, much easier
this way.

- For who?
- You know

you have a better equilibrium

with those staunch
birthing hips.

Hurry up
before the neighbors see us

and someone calls the cops.

I need closer.


Have you figured out
anything yet?

I did figure something out.

I really enjoy being lifted.

Excuse me.
Can I help you?

Uh, yes.

Have you seen another set
of guys that look like us?

We seem to have lost track
of our chicken fight.

This is serious business.

I am not even remotely joking.

If any of you
have seen this bear,

you better tell me now.

You may think
it's a big, fluffy toy,

but I assure you
this is no Teddy Bear.

This creature will kill you.

Most of you,
it could swallow you whole.

You, tiny,
you wouldn't stand a chance.

What, you think
your buddies are gonna help you

when you're screaming

and a bear's ripping
your face off? No.

You like having arms?

Those would be appetizers
for this thing.

Yeah, that's right.

You think I'm joking?

Just look for stuff, Gus.

Like what?

I don't know, man.

Anything that seems suspicious.

Wait a minute.

- This is something.
- What is it?

A copy of an insurance policy.

The trainer's life insurance?

Nope. The bear's.

And it's worth more dead
than alive.

Payout is $2 million.

That would make the trainer
a rich man.

No, it would make
C. Lee Banting a rich man.

- He took out the policy.
- That polar bear

was our main attraction.

C. Lee Banting,
the zoo director?

So why does the trainer
have a copy?

I'm guessing
he made himself one

because he was suspicious
of Banting's intentions.

So you think Banting
is our new murderer?

Well, we know the zoo's
losing money paw over fist.

That's pretty good motivation
to see this poor bear dead.

So what's our next move?



is there any chance
you're coming home

- for lunch today?
- No.

Sadly, I am not.

Remember when you told me
you caught that 40-pound salmon,

it would probably take you
a year to eat it?

Is there any of that left?

Shawn, why are you suddenly
interested in my salmon?

Gonna have to call you back.


- Jules.
- Where's the bear, Shawn?

What would possibly make you
believe I have any idea

- where this bear is?
- Oh, well, um, first off,

someone called in a tip
about a tiny blue car

driving an enormous trailer
down Mariposa.

Secondly, I'm dating you,

and I know when you're lying,

and, third, there are, like,

300 packets of tartar sauce
on the doorstep.

I appreciate your concern.

I'm gonna start watching
my cholesterol.

Hello, bear.

Hello, polar bear.

Oh, you want
some more fish sandwiches?

Oh, my God.

I'm doing this to protect you.

From the bear? No.
It's soft and friendly.

No, from yourself.

Shawn, you are not thinking

You have stolen a bear
who is a prime suspect

in a murder investigation.

That's just the thing.
It's not.

Gus and I are on
to several real suspects.

Human persons
that had good reasons

for wanting that trainer dead.

Just so you know,
if you go to prison, Shawn,

I will not wait for you.

You won't have to.
I'll escape.

We both know that.

And before you make that call,

will you wait
eight more seconds?

Now, Jules, please,

look at that polar bear.

Look at it right in the eye.

You tell me
that it's a murderer.


Nice shot.

I'm here to see my client.

This bear is scheduled
to be executed, Shawn.

It's like it's on death row.

Which makes me Susan Sarandon,

you Robert Prosky,

and the bear Sean Penn.

Now I'm thinking about the bear
playing Harvey Milk.

I would watch that movie.

It would be
a very different film

from the original, but I think
it'd be pretty emotional still.

Where did you even...

I heard what happened.

I came right away.

So you really do care
for this bear, huh?

Please don't.

Please don't do what you're...
As a favor...

I'm the cream
in a crying sandwich.

I care so much

about all these creatures.

I would never risk this bear
being put down

just to close the zoo.

Hey, man,
we may have jumped the gun

accusing you
of killing the trainer.

- Sorry.
- That's cool, man.

Actually, no, that's not cool.
That's not cool.

Who would be cool with that?
That's homicide.

Hey, if it makes you feel
any better,

we have a new suspect.


- Who is it?
- All right, spoiler alert.

C. Lee Banting,
the zoo director.

Dude, you were totally right
about zoos.

The animals spoke to me, man.

A depressed lemur told me

about an insurance policy that
Banting took out on the bear.

- Shawn.
- Yeah?

I looked into that.

They only get money
if the bear dies accidentally.

They don't get anything
if the bear is euthanized

for killing someone.


That's a pretty big buzz kill.

It's the only theory
we really had.

This is so ironic.

I mean,
all these people are afraid

of this amazing creature,
and look at it.

It's relying on you and I
to save it, Shawn.

We failed, I guess.


Take that collar off of her.

If she's gonna die,

then let her leave this world
the way she came in.

- Gus.
- What?

It's not a regular collar, man.

- Look at it.
- That's a heart monitor.

See, she's got
a slight heart murmur.

They like to monitor

her vital signs at all times.

Whoa, where... where... where...
where do these results go?

They're transmitted wirelessly
to some nearby computer.

Probably it's right here
at the zoo.

I think I know a way
to save this bear.

We need to get that info
and get to the person

who can grant us
a stay of execution.

All right, Shawn,

this is Cody Blair,
Ventura County Director

of Animal Control.

You better have
something substantial for him.

He's traveled a long way
for this.

Thank you for coming,
Mr. Blair.

Please, sir.

Let me start by saying that
this is a huge honor for me.

Cut the crap, son.

I understand you are asking

for a stay of execution,
as you put it,

for a polar bear.

This is highly unorthodox.

I can assure you
you will not feel

that way after I prove to you

that this bear
did not kill its trainer.

You can enter that
onto the record.

this isn't a courtroom.

- There are no records.
- Permission to treat

this man as a hostile witness?

- No.
- Quick sidebar?

- Absolutely no.
- Should we poll the jury?

- Negative.
- May I try on your robe, judge?

If you'll excuse me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

I have testimony
from a key witness

in the form of video footage

if you would just indulge me

for a few more moments.

This footage, actually, courtesy
of Miss Lauren Lassiter.

You're helping him now?

Here we go.

Oh, no, no,
I'm absolutely sure.

Though the results
were previously inconclusive,

I can now establish
time of death

of the trainer to be
between 11:30 P.M. and 3:30 A.M.

Why is this relevant?

I am so glad that you asked.

I would like to present

these papers as exhibit "A".

No exhibits here.
Stop saying that.

What are they?

Those are EKG readouts
of the bear's vitals.

What do they say,
Mr. Spencer?

I couldn't tell you, sir.

A bunch of squiggly lines
to me.

But, but...

I have an expert witness.

I present Gusjay Gupta.

What makes him an expert?

I work in the medical field.

You're a doctor?

I go to Gusjay
for all my medical needs

and procedures.

He removed
both of my appendixes.

Now tell us

what the results are
from the hours

of 11:30 P.M. to 3:30 A.M.

On the night of the murder.

It is a sleeping heart rate.

- Inactive.
- What? Inactive?

You mean it is not
the heart rate

of a mammal murdering
its lifelong caretaker?

Not unless that mammal
was sleepwalking, no.

Well, in that case,
the defense rests.


I'm exhausted.

- Should we all nap?
- Lauren?

Well, Mr. Spencer,

I am inclined to grant you
your stay of execution.

Look, now I'm saying it.

But let's be very clear.

If you don't come up
with concrete evidence

of another suspect
within 12 hours, I will proceed

with the euthanization
of this bear.

- Understood.
- Sweet.

We did it.

So strong.

So I come over here
to the evidence cage...

Hello, Franklin.

I take out one of these.

An E.R.F., evidence requisition form.

Not the blue one.
The beige one.

The blue one's
for out-of-state...

- I'm sorry. Cut.
- Cut?

You can't say cut.
This is happening now.

This is real life.
Come on. Let's do it again.

You have to admit
this is a bit dry.


I'm sorry, I didn't realize
you were directing me now.

Do you always discount a lead

because you didn't come up
with it?

What are you talking about?

I mean, look at Shawn and Gus.

Maybe their methods are odd,
perhaps even disturbing,

but they're not about objects
and papers.

They're about people
and emotions.

And right now
they are at the trainer's house,

probably sensing something,

and you just dismiss it.

Here you go.

Maybe this is a little drier

than you thought
it was gonna be,

and maybe my life
isn't as exciting,

but I can solve this case.

Everything I need to do it
is right here

in this box.

That box?

I know what you're looking for.

I know what you need.

I'm gonna give it to you.
You need action.

And you need movement.

Watch this.

I take the box,

and I go back to my desk,

where I meticulously go
through every piece of evidence

we have, every fiber,

every fingerprint,

every photograph, everything
collected from the trash.

And then I will find
the answer.

And if I don't find the answer,

I will look again, because
the answer is always in the box.

Got it.

Nothing like this
ever happens around here.

Not on this block anyway.

There's never been a murder.

I have a question.
When you first moved

to the neighborhood,
were you harassed a lot

on account of being so famous?

- What?
- Oh, you're not Seth Rogen?

Look, I'm sorry.

Do you know of anyone who might
have had it out for him?

Gosh, I didn't know him
all that well.

I don't think
he had any enemies.

Um, well,
this is a bit of a reach,

but did you know
he had a fiancée?

Sure. We met her
at the crime scene.

Yeah, well, I don't want
to speak out of turn

or be un-neighborly,

but our houses
are kind of close together,

and I would hear them argue.

- Well, who doesn't argue?
- Me.

I have a policy.

I never go to bed angry.

- It got heated.
- How heated?

Pretty heated. Especially
the night of his death.

The cops asked me,

but I didn't want

to make trouble for anyone,

It's time to make trouble.

- Sloppy trouble.
- I don't know.

It was something like, um...

"When are you gonna end it
with her?

Do you know
how much this embarrasses me?"

Stuff like that.

I-I think
he was having an affair.

Did you ever see the woman
come out the house

or I.D. a car?

He loved that bear.

He devoted his whole life
to it.

Lauren, I think you should
probably get some b-roll.

There isn't a single picture

of the fiancée
in the trainer's house.

Don't you find that
a little bit odd?

- Mm-hmm.
- He was definitely having

an affair, but the woman
was very, very large

and very, very heavy.

He was a chubby chaser?


The other woman
was the polar bear.

- Oh.
- Yeah, the fiancée was jealous

of the bear.

She knew he was never gonna give
the bear up for her.

The night it got heated?

We need to get
to that fiancée's house.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno?

Good-bye, Seth.

What do you do
when this happens?

Well, the goal
is to get buzzed in, right?

So I've been known to use
the pizza delivery routine.

Gus has had much more success
with stripper-grams.

His stage name
is original G-String,

A.K.A. Crowd-Pleazah.

You're up, String.
Do your thing.


Come on, smack it.

I'm not smacking anything,

- Will you flip it?
- Will you stop it?

I don't know, man.
You better...

You better rub it down
or something.

You've got an audience.

Well, Lulu, this is what we
in the business

like to call a collar.

Beat you to it, boys.

I have to go.

I didn't see that coming.

You know, a lesser cop
might have looked

at a shredded shirt
found in the trash

at the trainer's house
with traces of blood on it

and thought,
"no big deal."

The guy just probably cut
himself shaving, threw it out.

But I'm not your average cop.

Are you sniffing my sister?

See, I looked at the label
on the shirt.

Wasn't his.

It was hers.

I sent it out,
had the blood analyzed,

and, lo and behold,

direct match
to our victim's blood type.


Sure it is.

But what's even more impressive

is getting a confession
out of her.

Have you ever seen
a murderer crumble?

No, but I have seen many
a cookie do that very thing.

After all, it is their way.

You fought with your intended

the night of his death,
didn't you, Ms. Kraemer?

We argued, yes.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

I think you killed

your fiancé... fiancé... fi...

I'm gonna be honest with you.

I think you murdered
your lover.

Lover? Ew.

No, you don't have to tell me.
I can do it better.

Just start over ag...

Let me know
when I'm out of frame, okay?

Am I good here?

O'Hara, what are you doing
in here?

I'm not sure.

Okay, start again.

You killed the trainer,

then you dragged his body
into the car

and disposed of it
in the polar bear habitat.

Then you hastily returned
to the scene of the crime

and disposed of that shirt,

but you didn't notice the traces
of blood on it, did you?

Well, I did.

What is he trying to do?
Kiss her?

She dragged him?

That small person
dragged somebody?

No way.

Question from the viewing room:
Miss Kraemer,

what is your blood type?

O negative.

And what is the blood type
of the victim?

- O negative.
- Oh, is it?

Lassie, isn't it possible
that the blood

on Miss Kraemer's shirt
is her own?

Okay, you know what,
Spencer, I know

what you're trying to do...

I am gonna send that shirt out,

have the DNA analyzed,

and prove that it was
the trainer's blood.


You're making faces at me
right now, aren't you?

No need for that.

Miss Kraemer,
do you garden by chance?

I do.

At the house.

That sounds nice.

Would you be so kind
as to roll up

your right sleeve, please?

Look at that.

Lassie, if you line up
the sleeve

with Miss Kraemer's arm,
I think you will find

that the blood spots
match perfectly.

- Crap.
- It's okay, Lassie.

I've got your box of toys
in here.

You can try again.

Maybe you want to pin the murder
on this stapler here.

Can you just stop, you know?

Now, Lauren, please remember,

if anyone ever makes a movie

out of your documentary,

I would like to be played
by Cillian Murphy,

because it's unexpected.
It's odd.

People will talk.

Obviously, Stoney Jackson
will play Gus.

Fyvush Finkel
will play my father.

Now he's probably gonna want
to do a lisp,

That actually feels right to me.

What are you doing?

I am erasing all the footage
of my brother

in the interrogation room.

- It's just embarrassing.
- What?


Oh, look how adorable Lassie is
at that size.

- He's tiny.
- I just want to pick him up.

Just pick him up
and put him in my breast pocket.

Lassie on your breast.

Right on my breast.
Just keep him right here.

I don't know
what happened in there.

This is not the Carlton
that I know.

Ever since I was a kid,

I always looked up to him.

He was
like this mythical figure,

but watching him
through my lens

and seeing you guys
one-up him,

I realized he isn't mythical
at all, is he?

He's just foolish.

Well, I mean,
he's not... he's not always...

Whoa, whoa, stop right there,

Will you excuse us
for a second?

Gus, come with me.

- I'll be there in a second.
- No, no, I need you now.

I said I'll be there
in a second.

- I just had a breakthrough.
- Just give me a few minutes.

Are you out of your mind?

I don't care.

Just what I thought.

Thank you
for being here for me.

You're very kind.

Of course.
Of course.

I feel better already.

That's what I'm here for.

You're... you're a great guy.

Thank you.

Are you dating anyone?

Lauren, good news!

I just had a major psychic vibe.

Gather everyone,
including your brother.

We're going
to the trainer's house.


I'm getting something
very strong.

Right here.


Right in here.

Right along here.

This fence...

Was moved.

I'm also getting
Judy Sheindlin.

It was a case, small,
and then...

Everything gets fuzzy.

Case, judge Judy,

I'm sorry, line.
Line, please.

What the hell's wrong with him?

It's hard to remember
your lines.

Nobody has any lines.

What, nobody's on book?

I'm sorry, you guys.
This never happens to me.

I swear.

All right, fence,

what do we know?
Fence, case.

There was a case.
The fence was part of the case.

- No one remembers this?
- Holy crap.

I know exactly
what happened here.

- I solved it.
- You did?

Yeah, it's all in the evidence.

I'll take it from here,

Thanks, Lassie. I don't...

Thank you, buddy.


Say what you will
about animals...

They're filthy,
they're inferior to man...

But the one thing they have
over the human species...

Animals are not petty.

Humans, on the other hand,

we just can't help ourselves.

This whole case came down
to a good, old-fashioned dispute

between two neighbors.

A small claims case was filed
against Jasper Zane

by you, Ritch Renaud.


It was the top document

in my neatly-stacked box
of evidence.

Must have put it there

Let me tell you
what happened here, Ritch.

You sued your neighbor
over your property line,

divided by this fence,
which used to be here

and you moved here.

You murdered your neighbor

over two feet.

You're at war with each other.

Like Belushi and Aykroyd.

Yes, in Trading Places.

- Neighbors.
- I gave it a shot.

Know the feeling.

You argued that night,
didn't you?

Things got heated,
out of control.

You choked him.

With your opposable thumbs.

Unnecessary detail.

You didn't mean to kill him.

It was an accident.

But suddenly
you had to cover it up.

So you drove his body
to the zoo,

you dumped it in the pit,

and you tried to pin it
on the polar bear.

You, sir, disgust me.

And you're the worst neighbor
in America.

Detective O'Hara,

would you like
to do the honors?



Oh, for God's sakes, forget it.

Very impressive,
detective Lassiter.

Call me Carlton.

I will.
I was just doing a bit.

I know what a bit is.


thanks for having my back, man.

Oh, hey, no worries.

You would have gotten there

And I want to give you credit
for realizing

it's not
just about solving crimes.

I mean, these kind of speeches,
they require a certain sort

of delivery and gravitas

that you may just not
be capable of.

This is for a movie, after all.

- He did good, didn't he?
- He did okay.

Oh, come on, he's got
his own certain kind of charm.

No, he really doesn't.

I think he found something
out there.

I didn't see it.

That's probably
because you were busy looking

- at his sister.
- You know that's right.


You know what, um,
maybe if you just don't tell me

that the camera's on,

then maybe we can do this.

How long have we been friends?

- Wow.
- Forever.

Since we were babies.

- When we were not?
- We pooped together.

- Well...
- Next to each other.

Shawn will go bald.
It's genetics.

He doesn't realize it now,

but it's gonna happen.

I just pray
that I'm alive to see it.

It's almost
like there's a vulcan...

We can finish
each other's sentences.

- Right.
- For example,

as soon as we're done here,

we're gonna jump
in the blueberry and...

How could you say I didn't pay
any attention to you as a kid?

That's ridiculous.

What other high school boy
would stay up

reading to their little sister?

Uh, you read me
my Miranda rights.

I set it up.

As soon as we're done here,
we're gonna jump...

That's where
you're gonna leave off?

Scratch this.
Forget that.

It's off?

It's on, isn't it?

I can see the red light.
It's on.

I don't know where Gus and I
will be in 50 years.

Maybe in space.

If man ever figures out
how to travel that far.

Man does travel in space.

He's a sweet kid.

I think I'll keep him.