Please Like Me (2013–2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - Spanish Eggs - full transcript
The story follows Josh, who is headed towards his 21st birthday.
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- Oh, shit-- sorry, mate. Uh, y-you gonna be long?
- Uh-uh. Be done in a sec.
- I'm rod. - Geoffrey.
- Yeah, you're Josh's mate. - I'm Josh's boyfriend.
- What? Oh, shit.
- You, uh, you sticking around today?
- No, i-i best be off. - Rose is trying to
sell the house, so i think we're gonna help her clean up.
- Yeah, i gotta go see me, uh, daughters.
Shit. Standing in front of
a naked homosexual, and society says
I've just gotta be polite.
- One-two one-two-three-four ooh
yeah I'll be fine yeah ooh
up yeah here up the good lord knows it
up the good lord knows it i left better behind
to be fine yeah take my mommah
turn another blind eye yeah yeah yeah yeah
i left better behind to be fine
- Josh, i have a surprise for you today.
- Oh, no, no-- - Josh, don't be
like that, please. Geoffrey's got something
really nice planned for you. You need to be grateful.
- I'm scared-- I'm scared of surprises.
- I have an afternoon planned for us-- you'll like it.
If he doesn't want to go, you can take me.
- That's creepy. You're getting creepy every day,
more and more creepy. - Best be off.
- Thank god he's not staying for breakfast.
- I don't like soy! - Mmm-hmm.
- I think i might need to get a new job
if we're gonna have a kid. - No, just-just
don't worry about it. - Don't worry about it?
Kids are expensive. I go to a locksmith
the other day and it cost $160. Took him, like, five minutes.
- You don't need a new job. - It's, like,
a six-week course, and i think I'd be really good at it.
- You know, you don't have to come with me today.
- Our first doctor's appointment--
I'm not gonna miss that. - Well, it's just--
I'll be fine on my own. - Are you kidding, niamh?
I'm gonna be there for you every step of the way.
This is our baby. I don't wanna miss a single
second of this experience. This is, like,
the whole point of life. It's a miracle.
What? Is this the hormones?
- Peg, come on. Just please let me drive.
You're gonna get in trouble. - Oh, what can they do to me?
Take away my license, again? Send me to prison?
I've only got a few good months left anyway.
- Josh, are you sure we're doing enough for your 21st?
Perhaps we could get a hall or something.
- Yes, please, i told you. I just-i don't want a party.
- Well, you're gonna get a party.
- We don't need a fricking hall.
I only have two friends and Geoffrey.
- I just want it to be special. That's all.
Your 21st, it's a big deal. - Bought me this pinata, okay?
It's already heaps special. It's special enough.
- Have you invited your father? You should invite your father.
- No, we don't need to. I'll just see him another day.
- Oh, no, Josh, I'm fine. Invite him.
Look, no, really, I'm fine. Look, he can bring a date.
Has he got a girlfriend? - I don't know.
Wouldn't know if he has a girlfriend.
- You said that like you were lying.
- Okay, fine! He has a girlfriend,
but he doesn't want me to tell you about it, okay?
- So, why doesn't he want me to know about it?
- I don't know-- i guess he thinks it'll upset you,
you know? He leaves her
at the corner store every time he comes to visit.
It's pretty ridiculous.
- Yeah, he's a ridiculous man. - Yeah.
- Anyone want a strawberry? - So, what's her name?
- Mae. - Oh... Mae?
Oh, fuck.
- Come on-- stop crying. You knew he'd have to move on
one day. Anyway, you've got rod.
- Oh, rod is disgusting! - He really is disgusting.
- Now, why would that freaking jerk think that
i couldn't handle this news? Hmm?
- Josh, will you pass me my cd?
- It's in. - Oh, good.
We'll have a sing-along! - Yes!
It's time to begin now count it in
five six seven eight my boot scooting baby
- join in. - No, i don't want to.
- My obsession from a western my dance floor date
- i wanna see you dance. - I'm not in the mood, peg.
- What's happening? - It's a thing we do.
Just go with it. - It's the chorus soon.
Will you be joining us? - No!
- Uh, peg, i don't think you can stop here.
Okay, fine!
- My boot scooting baby is driving me crazy
my obsession from a western my dance floor date
my rodeo Romeo a cowboy god from head to toe
wanna make you mine better get in line
five six seven eight foot kicking, finger clicking,
leather slapping, hand clapping, hip bumping, music thumping,
knee hitching, heel and toe, floor scuffing, leg shuffling,
big grinning, body spinning, romping, stomping,
sliding, gliding. Here we go!
My boot scooting baby is driving me crazy
- Alan! - Hello, rose.
- Thank you so much for coming to help out today.
I-i really appreciate it. It's very generous of you.
Should we get started? - Mmm-hmm.
- Open for inspection. Right.
- Right. - So, where do we start, then?
- Should i vacuum? Jesus, when was the last time
you vacuumed? - I'm depressed.
I don't vacuum. - Don't look at me.
We're in the same family. We all have the same habits.
- I'll vacuum. - No, please, you really-you
really don't need to vacuum. - No, and you won't have time
if you're gonna make the game. - What game?
- Rose, it was meant to be a surprise.
- No, he really doesn't like surprises, Geoffrey.
- I don't-- what game? - Collingwood versus
kilda members stand. - Oh, no, no, not afl.
No, i don't like it. You know i don't like it.
I don't get it-- - I'll-I'll teach you.
- No, i don't wanna watch sport and do learning.
- Josh! - It's not a fun day.
What about Claire's seventies-themed dinner party?
I-I'm really excited about it. - We will be there
on time, Josh. - Can't you just
take someone else? I'll ruin the fun for you.
Can't you just find a real boy? - Well, you can stay here
and help us. - My advice is,
take the football. - Alan, Alan?
Can you come here, please? - Yeah.
- Look, I've got a job for you outside while
I've got a real man here, okay? Come on.
Now, i think this would look much better in the backyard.
- Uh... rose, there's-there's no way.
- No-no-no-no, you just have to dig it up.
I'll help you carry it around the back-- it'll be right.
- There's no way. - Now, come on.
I really need this done. I don't have anybody here
to help me do it. - Rose, it's not possible.
- Okay, fine. Forget it, then.
Let's just go down to the corner store for some
chocolate milk, shall we? - Oh, uh, rose, i don't think
we've got time to go down to the, uh-uh--
what are you doing? We-we don't have time for milk.
- I just want some delicious milk.
- What are you doing? - I know about her, okay?
I know. I know she's waiting
down at the corner store. Josh said.
- For fuck's sake. Why would he do that?
- Well, why the fuck does that matter?
He told me because it came up. - Okay, yes, yes.
You're right. - Anyway, i-I've decided
I'm not angry about it. I've moved on anyway.
I'm happy for you. - Oh.
- Yeah, anyway, look, about this tree.
- Hey, ma. Me and Geoffrey are going out
to the football, all right? - But you hate sport.
- Yeah, so much. I hate it so much.
- Bye. All right, Alan, now,
I'm going into the kitchen to do some tidying up.
I'm going to leave you with this tree.
- Rose, the--
- so, what's she like, then? - Who?
- Me. - Uh, Mae?
- Yeah, uh, just tell me about her.
I-i want-want us to be friends. Then-then i can
tell you about rod. - Who's rod?
- Man I'm seeing. - That's good.
- Yeah, so, uh, where did you meet her?
- On a plane. - Oh, that's good.
- She's from Thailand. - And, she came all the way
out here for you? - Yeah.
- She mustn't have very good eyesight.
- They don't all have bad eyesight, rose.
- What-- oh-oh, Alan, no. Not because she's asi--
no, i was making a joke about you, about how you lo--
i-i was joking about how she came all the way out here
for you, and you look like, ugh, that.
- Right-- that's very funny. - Mmm.
- So, tell me about rod. - Oh, well,
he's horrible to talk to, but he's incredible in bed.
Best I've ever had.
Go, go, go!
That's useless!
Come on, pies!
Grab the-grab the ball!
- Hey. - I'm at the football.
- Oh, really? What's it like?
- Tom, I'm so fucking bored. Geoffrey keeps yelling things
that i can't understand. - How did he talk you
into this? - I'm making compromises,
okay? Apparently, it's good
to compromise. - You never compromise.
- Yeah, i know, 'cause then i end up
in situations like this. Why did i get back with him?
I'm just such a big dope. - Uh, 'cause he's pretty,
and you were rejected and alone.
- Yeah-- how's your baby? - We're at the doctor now.
- Oh, are you-are you getting it done?
- Done? - Like, you're getting it all,
you know? - No.
We're not getting an-- we're not getting an abortion.
I wanna keep it. - I've been thinking,
and i think one of my favorite things about Geoffrey is that
he doesn't have a uterus. You know, 'cause it means that
we can never get ourselves into this situation.
- I think it's good for the world there's no risk
you could get someone pregnant. - Yeah.
You ever surprised that your sperm actually works?
Geoffrey, I've decided i
wanna get involved-- I'm ready. - Okay-okay.
You see this bloke? - Yeah.
- Centre half-forward, right? His main role is to move the
ball toward the bloody goal! Don't drop it!
- You sound angry-- is he bad? Is he a bad one?
- No, he was the best and fairest last year.
- He's the best one? So i get to yell whatever
i like at these people, even though they're doing
way more than i ever could? - Hey, he's not doing anything
today-- you butterfingered piece of shit!
- What are you gonna do when you get too old
to do this? The life of a sportsman
is short, and you never got a real education!
- Pick up the ball, you idiot!
- What-- are your hands still slippery from when you
fingered-- i was gonna say-- i was gonna say,
"are your hands still slippery "from when you fingered
"your cousin?" I couldn't do it.
- You fingered your cousin! - Geoffrey, have i seen
that man's wang on the-- - yep, that's him.
- Excuse me, sir-- I've seen your wang!
- That is weak as piss! Bring your husband next time,
you faggot-- faggot! - Geoffrey, i don't-i don't
think you're allowed to say "faggot."
- You faggot! - Excuse me, boys?
- No, it's okay-- i told him. We'll calm down.
- Mate, i can't allow that kind of homophobic slandering.
I think it's time to go. - Homophobic?
Mate, it's-it's my boyfriend. We're not-can't be homophobic.
- Still time to go, lads. Come on.
- Why did you say that? - What?
- About rod and the, you know, the bloody bedroom thing?
You trying to make me feel bad? - It was a joke.
- Oh. - Well, it's-it's
not a big deal. I'm sure Mae has moves.
- Jesus, rose! Do-do we need to talk
more seriously about this? - Oh, you seem a bit
taken aback-- sorry. Is the sex a sore spot?
Is it not great? Communication is the key--
I've always found that. - Jesus Christ.
- Sex is not a sore spot with rod, i can tell ya.
There's no communication.
- I'm gonna go. - You're angry at me
'cause i kissed you? - No, no, it's nothing
like that-- i promise. I just-i wanna-i wanna
go and do my own thing. - You're just ashamed
of kissing me in public. - It's not about you.
I just-i don't like it. I don't like all those
people looking-- it's icky. - It's just-you can't handle
that you fell in love with a guy.
- Who the fuck says stuff like that?
You sound-sounds like a line from degrassi junior high.
- You're so afraid to feel things, Josh!
- It's not about feeling things.
- Yeah, because you can't. - Yes, i can-- i can!
I can feel things. - You know what?
I don't-i don't need this.
- Claire. What you up to?
- What are you doing? - I'm done.
- Oh, you're quitting. What a surprise.
- Ah. - Oh, sorry, peg.
- Rose, i just want you to know that i am genuinely
doing the things that I'm doing to try to make this
easier for you. - What-- easy like your mama?
- Really, rose. - "Really, rose."
- C-can you please be serious? What are you doing?
Stop it! Why are you making this
so difficult? - Easier for me?
Now, how arrogant, Alan, of you to think that
you are in control of making things easier for me!
We're divorced, mate! Like, that's it-- it's over.
You're irrelevant! Now, so, why should i be
making things easier for you? - Stop it!
- Sorry-- hi. I was knocking for a while.
House looks great.
Oh, hi. The agent.
- I'm the aunty. - Gonna sell this house.
Good luck.
No, not those ones. The other ones.
- These ones? - Yeah.
- Do you think i should be okay with kissing boys
in public? - Well, you weren't okay
with kissing me in public. - Exactly.
Exactly. It's-it's too much, you know?
It's just so... ugh. Ugh.
- Okay, i have to tell you something, but, um,
don't tell tom that I've told you.
- Okay. - No, i mean it.
You really, really can't tell him that I've told you.
I'm only telling you because i don't have anyone else.
- Yes, okay, okay. Yes, okay, i got it.
- And don't be mean about it either, please.
- Yes, fine. What?
- Um... Tom and i made out.
- No. You poor thing.
What did he do to you? - Nothing-- i liked it.
We made out twice, actually. Once properly and once briefly.
- No, how did you-how did you find sex in-in tom?
- We didn't have sex, though. - Yes, of course-- okay.
Obviously, of course. Of course you didn't have sex,
obviously. - We did make out
in the shower, though. He did ejaculate on my thigh.
- Oh, no, that's too much. Why would you tell me that?
You know, this is just-- Claire, this is too much
for me to handle. - Well, I'm only telling you
because i have no friends, and i have to tell someone
about this stuff. - Okay.
Okay. - Also--
- no. No, there isn't an "also."
I won't believe it-- i can't. I can't believe it.
- I really liked it. I-I'd like to do it again,
a lot. I liked it-- i like him.
- Yeah? Sure-- i like him, too.
You know what i mean? He's a likeable guy.
What a likeable chap. - Yeah, but i like-like him.
- No-- ugh!
Ugh. - Okay, i get it.
I just-- - ugh!
- Can you please just pretend to be sensitive
and caring about my feelings? Like i know you're actually
quite secretly good at. - No, I'm not secretly
good at it. I'm not.
- Whatever. Anyway, i just-i really
can't wait for him to get rid of niamh.
I just-i can't stand her. She's the worst.
- Hey, i-i have some fucked news.
- What? - Uh, they are
keeping the baby. I feel a bit weird
that i said that news was-- by saying it was fucked.
I-i mean, that's good news, that's okay news.
They're not gonna kill a baby. I guess that's good news.
That's not the point. It's bad news for you,
personally, because, like, you know, you really like him,
and maybe he likes you, and i just-I'm just hoping
that if i keep talking, it'll take longer for you to
say something that points out how completely heartbreaking
this is for you. - Okay.
- Really? Do you wanna cancel tonight?
We should cancel tonight. We-we can cook
at my mum's house. I'll tell them-I'll just
tell them it was my fault. - It's fine-- i should just
deal with this head-on anyway. - Yes?
- Stupid, yes. - Okay.
- Yeah.
- Up-up-up-up.
- So, you can see we got a two-car garage.
Big gate, big gate. No one's getting through that.
Uh, substantial front yard. So, play sports and whatnot.
It's got a very lovely front entrance there,
with the two trees. You wanna keep going?
I'll give you this, uh, brochure.
Not really sure what the plan is here.
We-we'll just keep going. Thanks very much.
- "I hate you."
- "I... "Just wanted to...
"Be there "for you and Josh.
"But--" - "i guess magic dick rod
"has it covered." Ugh!
- Look, she's thai, isn't she? - Yep.
- You should say something about ping pong.
- Oh, you're good, peg. Oh... that's good.
"Does she"...
"Do ping pong?"
Oh, shit! No, not-not "ping ping."
It's bloody-- oh, this damned auto-correct!
How do you-how do you get it to go back?
- I don't know. - Oh, shit!
Oh, no, here we go-- okay. - "Ping ping."
- Stupid fucking shit thing! Ping pong!
Here, use that.
- Hey, guys! - Hi.
- So good to see you. If you don't mind,
brought a salad. - Oh, well,
we're doing '70s theme. So... whatever.
- Oh, well, salad's salad. Now we have lots.
- Yeah, but it's not '70s. - How can a salad
be '70s, Claire? - So, we have some news.
Niamh is not pregnant. - Oh, yeah.
I thought i was, but I'm not. - Oh, thank god!
- Uh, so, how did you find out that you're not?
- We went to the g.P. Today and had a test.
- You only just got tested? - Well, yeah.
My period was late. It's usually like clockwork.
I was really getting into the idea of having
a little kid, too. - So, what-- I'm sorry.
You told everyone that you were pregnant
because your period was late? It's just, you know,
that sometimes that happens. Sometimes your period is late,
isn't it? - I think we just got
a bit carried away. - No, tom, can you really
not see how ridiculous it is to tell people
that you're pregnant because your period is late?
Did you even take a home test? - Well, niamh says
her period's like clockwork. - I knew-i knew that
she'd made it up-- i-didn't i not say that she'd made it up?
- She bamboozled you by talking about periods.
That's very cunning. - Uh, no-no-no-no, i didn't.
- You can get these home tests at the store, niamh.
You don't just tell people you're pregnant,
without taking a test. - You know, i-i don't
understand why you're so upset about this, Claire.
I mean, tom and i are the ones who have lost our baby.
- Tom and you never had the baby.
You lied to him because you thought that he was gonna
break up with you, obviously. - Uh, no!
I thought i was pregnant. - Geoffrey!
- Josh, i wanna talk to you. - Oh, no-no, not now.
- Now! - Can you guys just maybe--
just do me a favor and stop this fight for a bit, briefly?
It's just-i don't wanna miss it.
No? There's more cheese
in the fridge, if anybody wants some--
if you want some cheese.
- Tom and i made out, twice. - How could you do this to me?
When i was pregnant? - You were never pregnant.
- Well, you thought i was pregnant.
- It wasn't when you were not pregnant.
Well, the first time, but it was actually
when we were broken up, and the other time was drunk
and it didn't mean anything. - You're kidding me?
It meant nothing? You were-he was sobbing.
- No, it just-it just looked like i was sobbing
'cause it was raining. - You know, Claire,
i was-i was really, really wrong about you.
This whole time, i thought you were angry
'cause, well, you know, you're a little bit plain.
But, turns out, you're actually just a bitch.
- We really need to talk about what happened today.
- No, don't worry about it. I just-i called Claire
and we hung out-- it's fine. - You're dismissive
of my emotions. - Well, you were the one
who walked away, so-- - yeah, i was too hurt to stay.
- Can't this wait? - No, Josh, it can't.
Look, this is important to me. Okay, I'm-I'm supposed to be
important to you, so this should be
important to you. You know, every time we fight,
i don't know who to talk to because the only person i wanna
talk to is my best friend, and you're my best friend.
- Really? - I know i can
be annoying at times, but that's-it's part
of who i am, okay? And i wanna give you all of me.
The best parts and the worst. - Why do we have to put up
with the worst parts? - That's-that's what i want
from you, too, okay? All of you.
I don't care what comes with that.
- How could you do this to me? Homewreckers.
- Your home is made of lies. - Tom loves me.
- Oh, really? 'Cause that's not
the impression i got when i was in the shower with him.
- Look, this is-this fighting is very flattering.
I just think maybe we could stop now?
- You stole my man. - We were basically-we were
broken up at the time-- the first time.
- I'm not threatened. Tom-tom couldn't like you.
I mean, heterosexual boys never like you.
Do they, Claire? - Ha!
- Tom? - Yep.
- You coming? - Well, i don't know.
I was thinking-- I'm just not sure what to do.
- Oh, tom, what the fuck are you talking about?
Of course you're picking me. - Yeah, i am.
I'm just gonna stay here, if that's cool,
because she's quite right. - Okay.
- I'm sorry that it had to end like this.
- Fuck you. No, look, we should've
separated years ago, Alan. - I didn't wanna
leave you alone. - Oh, I'm not alone, Alan.
I'm fine. - Hi.
Uh, we're all done for the day. So, I'll call you later
and tell you how it went. - Yeah, good-- thanks.
Thank you.
Okay, peg. There's no more beer.
We gotta go inside.
Come on, show's over.
Peg?
- Stay.
Oh, Jesus.
- Look, i don't understand why, out of everyone,
you're the person i have to try the hardest to impress.
So, what do you think? Can we just-can we give this--
give us a better shot?
- Geoffrey, i just-- no.
No. I'm sorry.
---
- Oh, shit-- sorry, mate. Uh, y-you gonna be long?
- Uh-uh. Be done in a sec.
- I'm rod. - Geoffrey.
- Yeah, you're Josh's mate. - I'm Josh's boyfriend.
- What? Oh, shit.
- You, uh, you sticking around today?
- No, i-i best be off. - Rose is trying to
sell the house, so i think we're gonna help her clean up.
- Yeah, i gotta go see me, uh, daughters.
Shit. Standing in front of
a naked homosexual, and society says
I've just gotta be polite.
- One-two one-two-three-four ooh
yeah I'll be fine yeah ooh
up yeah here up the good lord knows it
up the good lord knows it i left better behind
to be fine yeah take my mommah
turn another blind eye yeah yeah yeah yeah
i left better behind to be fine
- Josh, i have a surprise for you today.
- Oh, no, no-- - Josh, don't be
like that, please. Geoffrey's got something
really nice planned for you. You need to be grateful.
- I'm scared-- I'm scared of surprises.
- I have an afternoon planned for us-- you'll like it.
If he doesn't want to go, you can take me.
- That's creepy. You're getting creepy every day,
more and more creepy. - Best be off.
- Thank god he's not staying for breakfast.
- I don't like soy! - Mmm-hmm.
- I think i might need to get a new job
if we're gonna have a kid. - No, just-just
don't worry about it. - Don't worry about it?
Kids are expensive. I go to a locksmith
the other day and it cost $160. Took him, like, five minutes.
- You don't need a new job. - It's, like,
a six-week course, and i think I'd be really good at it.
- You know, you don't have to come with me today.
- Our first doctor's appointment--
I'm not gonna miss that. - Well, it's just--
I'll be fine on my own. - Are you kidding, niamh?
I'm gonna be there for you every step of the way.
This is our baby. I don't wanna miss a single
second of this experience. This is, like,
the whole point of life. It's a miracle.
What? Is this the hormones?
- Peg, come on. Just please let me drive.
You're gonna get in trouble. - Oh, what can they do to me?
Take away my license, again? Send me to prison?
I've only got a few good months left anyway.
- Josh, are you sure we're doing enough for your 21st?
Perhaps we could get a hall or something.
- Yes, please, i told you. I just-i don't want a party.
- Well, you're gonna get a party.
- We don't need a fricking hall.
I only have two friends and Geoffrey.
- I just want it to be special. That's all.
Your 21st, it's a big deal. - Bought me this pinata, okay?
It's already heaps special. It's special enough.
- Have you invited your father? You should invite your father.
- No, we don't need to. I'll just see him another day.
- Oh, no, Josh, I'm fine. Invite him.
Look, no, really, I'm fine. Look, he can bring a date.
Has he got a girlfriend? - I don't know.
Wouldn't know if he has a girlfriend.
- You said that like you were lying.
- Okay, fine! He has a girlfriend,
but he doesn't want me to tell you about it, okay?
- So, why doesn't he want me to know about it?
- I don't know-- i guess he thinks it'll upset you,
you know? He leaves her
at the corner store every time he comes to visit.
It's pretty ridiculous.
- Yeah, he's a ridiculous man. - Yeah.
- Anyone want a strawberry? - So, what's her name?
- Mae. - Oh... Mae?
Oh, fuck.
- Come on-- stop crying. You knew he'd have to move on
one day. Anyway, you've got rod.
- Oh, rod is disgusting! - He really is disgusting.
- Now, why would that freaking jerk think that
i couldn't handle this news? Hmm?
- Josh, will you pass me my cd?
- It's in. - Oh, good.
We'll have a sing-along! - Yes!
It's time to begin now count it in
five six seven eight my boot scooting baby
- join in. - No, i don't want to.
- My obsession from a western my dance floor date
- i wanna see you dance. - I'm not in the mood, peg.
- What's happening? - It's a thing we do.
Just go with it. - It's the chorus soon.
Will you be joining us? - No!
- Uh, peg, i don't think you can stop here.
Okay, fine!
- My boot scooting baby is driving me crazy
my obsession from a western my dance floor date
my rodeo Romeo a cowboy god from head to toe
wanna make you mine better get in line
five six seven eight foot kicking, finger clicking,
leather slapping, hand clapping, hip bumping, music thumping,
knee hitching, heel and toe, floor scuffing, leg shuffling,
big grinning, body spinning, romping, stomping,
sliding, gliding. Here we go!
My boot scooting baby is driving me crazy
- Alan! - Hello, rose.
- Thank you so much for coming to help out today.
I-i really appreciate it. It's very generous of you.
Should we get started? - Mmm-hmm.
- Open for inspection. Right.
- Right. - So, where do we start, then?
- Should i vacuum? Jesus, when was the last time
you vacuumed? - I'm depressed.
I don't vacuum. - Don't look at me.
We're in the same family. We all have the same habits.
- I'll vacuum. - No, please, you really-you
really don't need to vacuum. - No, and you won't have time
if you're gonna make the game. - What game?
- Rose, it was meant to be a surprise.
- No, he really doesn't like surprises, Geoffrey.
- I don't-- what game? - Collingwood versus
kilda members stand. - Oh, no, no, not afl.
No, i don't like it. You know i don't like it.
I don't get it-- - I'll-I'll teach you.
- No, i don't wanna watch sport and do learning.
- Josh! - It's not a fun day.
What about Claire's seventies-themed dinner party?
I-I'm really excited about it. - We will be there
on time, Josh. - Can't you just
take someone else? I'll ruin the fun for you.
Can't you just find a real boy? - Well, you can stay here
and help us. - My advice is,
take the football. - Alan, Alan?
Can you come here, please? - Yeah.
- Look, I've got a job for you outside while
I've got a real man here, okay? Come on.
Now, i think this would look much better in the backyard.
- Uh... rose, there's-there's no way.
- No-no-no-no, you just have to dig it up.
I'll help you carry it around the back-- it'll be right.
- There's no way. - Now, come on.
I really need this done. I don't have anybody here
to help me do it. - Rose, it's not possible.
- Okay, fine. Forget it, then.
Let's just go down to the corner store for some
chocolate milk, shall we? - Oh, uh, rose, i don't think
we've got time to go down to the, uh-uh--
what are you doing? We-we don't have time for milk.
- I just want some delicious milk.
- What are you doing? - I know about her, okay?
I know. I know she's waiting
down at the corner store. Josh said.
- For fuck's sake. Why would he do that?
- Well, why the fuck does that matter?
He told me because it came up. - Okay, yes, yes.
You're right. - Anyway, i-I've decided
I'm not angry about it. I've moved on anyway.
I'm happy for you. - Oh.
- Yeah, anyway, look, about this tree.
- Hey, ma. Me and Geoffrey are going out
to the football, all right? - But you hate sport.
- Yeah, so much. I hate it so much.
- Bye. All right, Alan, now,
I'm going into the kitchen to do some tidying up.
I'm going to leave you with this tree.
- Rose, the--
- so, what's she like, then? - Who?
- Me. - Uh, Mae?
- Yeah, uh, just tell me about her.
I-i want-want us to be friends. Then-then i can
tell you about rod. - Who's rod?
- Man I'm seeing. - That's good.
- Yeah, so, uh, where did you meet her?
- On a plane. - Oh, that's good.
- She's from Thailand. - And, she came all the way
out here for you? - Yeah.
- She mustn't have very good eyesight.
- They don't all have bad eyesight, rose.
- What-- oh-oh, Alan, no. Not because she's asi--
no, i was making a joke about you, about how you lo--
i-i was joking about how she came all the way out here
for you, and you look like, ugh, that.
- Right-- that's very funny. - Mmm.
- So, tell me about rod. - Oh, well,
he's horrible to talk to, but he's incredible in bed.
Best I've ever had.
Go, go, go!
That's useless!
Come on, pies!
Grab the-grab the ball!
- Hey. - I'm at the football.
- Oh, really? What's it like?
- Tom, I'm so fucking bored. Geoffrey keeps yelling things
that i can't understand. - How did he talk you
into this? - I'm making compromises,
okay? Apparently, it's good
to compromise. - You never compromise.
- Yeah, i know, 'cause then i end up
in situations like this. Why did i get back with him?
I'm just such a big dope. - Uh, 'cause he's pretty,
and you were rejected and alone.
- Yeah-- how's your baby? - We're at the doctor now.
- Oh, are you-are you getting it done?
- Done? - Like, you're getting it all,
you know? - No.
We're not getting an-- we're not getting an abortion.
I wanna keep it. - I've been thinking,
and i think one of my favorite things about Geoffrey is that
he doesn't have a uterus. You know, 'cause it means that
we can never get ourselves into this situation.
- I think it's good for the world there's no risk
you could get someone pregnant. - Yeah.
You ever surprised that your sperm actually works?
Geoffrey, I've decided i
wanna get involved-- I'm ready. - Okay-okay.
You see this bloke? - Yeah.
- Centre half-forward, right? His main role is to move the
ball toward the bloody goal! Don't drop it!
- You sound angry-- is he bad? Is he a bad one?
- No, he was the best and fairest last year.
- He's the best one? So i get to yell whatever
i like at these people, even though they're doing
way more than i ever could? - Hey, he's not doing anything
today-- you butterfingered piece of shit!
- What are you gonna do when you get too old
to do this? The life of a sportsman
is short, and you never got a real education!
- Pick up the ball, you idiot!
- What-- are your hands still slippery from when you
fingered-- i was gonna say-- i was gonna say,
"are your hands still slippery "from when you fingered
"your cousin?" I couldn't do it.
- You fingered your cousin! - Geoffrey, have i seen
that man's wang on the-- - yep, that's him.
- Excuse me, sir-- I've seen your wang!
- That is weak as piss! Bring your husband next time,
you faggot-- faggot! - Geoffrey, i don't-i don't
think you're allowed to say "faggot."
- You faggot! - Excuse me, boys?
- No, it's okay-- i told him. We'll calm down.
- Mate, i can't allow that kind of homophobic slandering.
I think it's time to go. - Homophobic?
Mate, it's-it's my boyfriend. We're not-can't be homophobic.
- Still time to go, lads. Come on.
- Why did you say that? - What?
- About rod and the, you know, the bloody bedroom thing?
You trying to make me feel bad? - It was a joke.
- Oh. - Well, it's-it's
not a big deal. I'm sure Mae has moves.
- Jesus, rose! Do-do we need to talk
more seriously about this? - Oh, you seem a bit
taken aback-- sorry. Is the sex a sore spot?
Is it not great? Communication is the key--
I've always found that. - Jesus Christ.
- Sex is not a sore spot with rod, i can tell ya.
There's no communication.
- I'm gonna go. - You're angry at me
'cause i kissed you? - No, no, it's nothing
like that-- i promise. I just-i wanna-i wanna
go and do my own thing. - You're just ashamed
of kissing me in public. - It's not about you.
I just-i don't like it. I don't like all those
people looking-- it's icky. - It's just-you can't handle
that you fell in love with a guy.
- Who the fuck says stuff like that?
You sound-sounds like a line from degrassi junior high.
- You're so afraid to feel things, Josh!
- It's not about feeling things.
- Yeah, because you can't. - Yes, i can-- i can!
I can feel things. - You know what?
I don't-i don't need this.
- Claire. What you up to?
- What are you doing? - I'm done.
- Oh, you're quitting. What a surprise.
- Ah. - Oh, sorry, peg.
- Rose, i just want you to know that i am genuinely
doing the things that I'm doing to try to make this
easier for you. - What-- easy like your mama?
- Really, rose. - "Really, rose."
- C-can you please be serious? What are you doing?
Stop it! Why are you making this
so difficult? - Easier for me?
Now, how arrogant, Alan, of you to think that
you are in control of making things easier for me!
We're divorced, mate! Like, that's it-- it's over.
You're irrelevant! Now, so, why should i be
making things easier for you? - Stop it!
- Sorry-- hi. I was knocking for a while.
House looks great.
Oh, hi. The agent.
- I'm the aunty. - Gonna sell this house.
Good luck.
No, not those ones. The other ones.
- These ones? - Yeah.
- Do you think i should be okay with kissing boys
in public? - Well, you weren't okay
with kissing me in public. - Exactly.
Exactly. It's-it's too much, you know?
It's just so... ugh. Ugh.
- Okay, i have to tell you something, but, um,
don't tell tom that I've told you.
- Okay. - No, i mean it.
You really, really can't tell him that I've told you.
I'm only telling you because i don't have anyone else.
- Yes, okay, okay. Yes, okay, i got it.
- And don't be mean about it either, please.
- Yes, fine. What?
- Um... Tom and i made out.
- No. You poor thing.
What did he do to you? - Nothing-- i liked it.
We made out twice, actually. Once properly and once briefly.
- No, how did you-how did you find sex in-in tom?
- We didn't have sex, though. - Yes, of course-- okay.
Obviously, of course. Of course you didn't have sex,
obviously. - We did make out
in the shower, though. He did ejaculate on my thigh.
- Oh, no, that's too much. Why would you tell me that?
You know, this is just-- Claire, this is too much
for me to handle. - Well, I'm only telling you
because i have no friends, and i have to tell someone
about this stuff. - Okay.
Okay. - Also--
- no. No, there isn't an "also."
I won't believe it-- i can't. I can't believe it.
- I really liked it. I-I'd like to do it again,
a lot. I liked it-- i like him.
- Yeah? Sure-- i like him, too.
You know what i mean? He's a likeable guy.
What a likeable chap. - Yeah, but i like-like him.
- No-- ugh!
Ugh. - Okay, i get it.
I just-- - ugh!
- Can you please just pretend to be sensitive
and caring about my feelings? Like i know you're actually
quite secretly good at. - No, I'm not secretly
good at it. I'm not.
- Whatever. Anyway, i just-i really
can't wait for him to get rid of niamh.
I just-i can't stand her. She's the worst.
- Hey, i-i have some fucked news.
- What? - Uh, they are
keeping the baby. I feel a bit weird
that i said that news was-- by saying it was fucked.
I-i mean, that's good news, that's okay news.
They're not gonna kill a baby. I guess that's good news.
That's not the point. It's bad news for you,
personally, because, like, you know, you really like him,
and maybe he likes you, and i just-I'm just hoping
that if i keep talking, it'll take longer for you to
say something that points out how completely heartbreaking
this is for you. - Okay.
- Really? Do you wanna cancel tonight?
We should cancel tonight. We-we can cook
at my mum's house. I'll tell them-I'll just
tell them it was my fault. - It's fine-- i should just
deal with this head-on anyway. - Yes?
- Stupid, yes. - Okay.
- Yeah.
- Up-up-up-up.
- So, you can see we got a two-car garage.
Big gate, big gate. No one's getting through that.
Uh, substantial front yard. So, play sports and whatnot.
It's got a very lovely front entrance there,
with the two trees. You wanna keep going?
I'll give you this, uh, brochure.
Not really sure what the plan is here.
We-we'll just keep going. Thanks very much.
- "I hate you."
- "I... "Just wanted to...
"Be there "for you and Josh.
"But--" - "i guess magic dick rod
"has it covered." Ugh!
- Look, she's thai, isn't she? - Yep.
- You should say something about ping pong.
- Oh, you're good, peg. Oh... that's good.
"Does she"...
"Do ping pong?"
Oh, shit! No, not-not "ping ping."
It's bloody-- oh, this damned auto-correct!
How do you-how do you get it to go back?
- I don't know. - Oh, shit!
Oh, no, here we go-- okay. - "Ping ping."
- Stupid fucking shit thing! Ping pong!
Here, use that.
- Hey, guys! - Hi.
- So good to see you. If you don't mind,
brought a salad. - Oh, well,
we're doing '70s theme. So... whatever.
- Oh, well, salad's salad. Now we have lots.
- Yeah, but it's not '70s. - How can a salad
be '70s, Claire? - So, we have some news.
Niamh is not pregnant. - Oh, yeah.
I thought i was, but I'm not. - Oh, thank god!
- Uh, so, how did you find out that you're not?
- We went to the g.P. Today and had a test.
- You only just got tested? - Well, yeah.
My period was late. It's usually like clockwork.
I was really getting into the idea of having
a little kid, too. - So, what-- I'm sorry.
You told everyone that you were pregnant
because your period was late? It's just, you know,
that sometimes that happens. Sometimes your period is late,
isn't it? - I think we just got
a bit carried away. - No, tom, can you really
not see how ridiculous it is to tell people
that you're pregnant because your period is late?
Did you even take a home test? - Well, niamh says
her period's like clockwork. - I knew-i knew that
she'd made it up-- i-didn't i not say that she'd made it up?
- She bamboozled you by talking about periods.
That's very cunning. - Uh, no-no-no-no, i didn't.
- You can get these home tests at the store, niamh.
You don't just tell people you're pregnant,
without taking a test. - You know, i-i don't
understand why you're so upset about this, Claire.
I mean, tom and i are the ones who have lost our baby.
- Tom and you never had the baby.
You lied to him because you thought that he was gonna
break up with you, obviously. - Uh, no!
I thought i was pregnant. - Geoffrey!
- Josh, i wanna talk to you. - Oh, no-no, not now.
- Now! - Can you guys just maybe--
just do me a favor and stop this fight for a bit, briefly?
It's just-i don't wanna miss it.
No? There's more cheese
in the fridge, if anybody wants some--
if you want some cheese.
- Tom and i made out, twice. - How could you do this to me?
When i was pregnant? - You were never pregnant.
- Well, you thought i was pregnant.
- It wasn't when you were not pregnant.
Well, the first time, but it was actually
when we were broken up, and the other time was drunk
and it didn't mean anything. - You're kidding me?
It meant nothing? You were-he was sobbing.
- No, it just-it just looked like i was sobbing
'cause it was raining. - You know, Claire,
i was-i was really, really wrong about you.
This whole time, i thought you were angry
'cause, well, you know, you're a little bit plain.
But, turns out, you're actually just a bitch.
- We really need to talk about what happened today.
- No, don't worry about it. I just-i called Claire
and we hung out-- it's fine. - You're dismissive
of my emotions. - Well, you were the one
who walked away, so-- - yeah, i was too hurt to stay.
- Can't this wait? - No, Josh, it can't.
Look, this is important to me. Okay, I'm-I'm supposed to be
important to you, so this should be
important to you. You know, every time we fight,
i don't know who to talk to because the only person i wanna
talk to is my best friend, and you're my best friend.
- Really? - I know i can
be annoying at times, but that's-it's part
of who i am, okay? And i wanna give you all of me.
The best parts and the worst. - Why do we have to put up
with the worst parts? - That's-that's what i want
from you, too, okay? All of you.
I don't care what comes with that.
- How could you do this to me? Homewreckers.
- Your home is made of lies. - Tom loves me.
- Oh, really? 'Cause that's not
the impression i got when i was in the shower with him.
- Look, this is-this fighting is very flattering.
I just think maybe we could stop now?
- You stole my man. - We were basically-we were
broken up at the time-- the first time.
- I'm not threatened. Tom-tom couldn't like you.
I mean, heterosexual boys never like you.
Do they, Claire? - Ha!
- Tom? - Yep.
- You coming? - Well, i don't know.
I was thinking-- I'm just not sure what to do.
- Oh, tom, what the fuck are you talking about?
Of course you're picking me. - Yeah, i am.
I'm just gonna stay here, if that's cool,
because she's quite right. - Okay.
- I'm sorry that it had to end like this.
- Fuck you. No, look, we should've
separated years ago, Alan. - I didn't wanna
leave you alone. - Oh, I'm not alone, Alan.
I'm fine. - Hi.
Uh, we're all done for the day. So, I'll call you later
and tell you how it went. - Yeah, good-- thanks.
Thank you.
Okay, peg. There's no more beer.
We gotta go inside.
Come on, show's over.
Peg?
- Stay.
Oh, Jesus.
- Look, i don't understand why, out of everyone,
you're the person i have to try the hardest to impress.
So, what do you think? Can we just-can we give this--
give us a better shot?
- Geoffrey, i just-- no.
No. I'm sorry.