Pivoting (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Three Bleepin' Bleeps - full transcript

And the squeak, squeak,
squeak of Dan's flossing

with his pinky in
the air... Ugh.

Makes me want him
to hit an artery

and just float away on a pool
of his own blood... Mm-hmm.

The floss dangling
from his teeth.

Mm. When Diana
would drink water,

which was the only thing that
she actually liked in life...

Oh. she would drink
and then she would smack her lips...

No.

And then go, "Oh, wow,
that's refreshing,"

as if it's news that
water's refreshing.



I wanted to rip her
lips off her face.

Yes.

I mean, I do miss it, but...

I'll tell you what... what
really makes me quite violent

is when Henry plays the guitar,

he makes... I don't
even know what.

It's like the most earnest face.

It's like... It's like... mmm.

I don't even know what it is.
Oh, don't do that. Don't do that.

But what I want to do is I
want to punch him in that face

and then I want
to punch him again

and then I want
to just flick him

as, like, the final insult.

Hey, guys. Hey, boo.



I am gonna go make some
of my famous gazpacho.

Ooh.

Yeah.

I don't know how you stay married to
him. I wanna rip my ears off my head.

Why?

Oh.

Well, not everyone
likes a cold soup.

I get it. It's
not for everyone.

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Ben: Of course, I know
Sasha's upset with me,

but it's the right decision.

It's really a bummer that I
ruined my shot with Sasha,

but I do believe deep down
that Priscilla and I could...

Mom, Evan's trying
to cut my hair!

'Cause it looks like crap!

It does not look like crap.

But seriously, Nora,
run a brush through it.

You guys, you have
to go make the bus.

I can't take you
to school today.

I'm late for an appointment.

Mom, can I have cash?

Backpacks on.
Now, go! What for?

Drugs. Crack, specifically.

I really hope that's
not true, Andrea.

Is $5 enough? Thank you.

Mm!

Wait, no, that's mine!

Come on, guys. We
gotta get the bus.

Jodie. Whoa!

Dan, what are you doing home?

I tried to go to work,
but I don't feel well.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Oh. Is there a trash
can you prefer I use?

Is... Is the toilet
not an option?

No, I mean to put
beside the bed.

Or I could just lie with my head

pressed against the cold floor.

You know what? I think
it's dealer's choice.

Just please don't use a wicker
trash can from the kids' room.

I'm so sorry. I've got to go.

Jodie!

Do you think you
could stay? I'm dizzy.

And what if I pass
out and hit my head?

I wouldn't want you or the
kids to find me like that.

I don't want you to
die like that, either.

It's coming. Yeah.

Oh, w-would you get
my computer, please?

Mm.

Hey, you. Jodie: Hey, you.

Hi. Uh-oh.

I know that "hi."
What's wrong?

I'm so sorry to do
this last minute,

but I'm not gonna be able to
make it to our session today.

My kid is sick.

Take it off my series, though.

No, no, no. Don't even
worry about it, no.

I know you got a
lot on your plate.

Half greens, quarter protein,
and a quarter carbs...

Complex, not
simple. Not simple.

Dan: I'm gonna blow again!

Need another trash can!

I'll be there in just a minute!

But
I'm running in place.

I'll lose the last
pound from home.

How about those
jumping jack twists

that I'm trademarking
for my program?

They will blast the calories.

Here we go. And
jack and twist!

And jack and twist!

Jack! Twist! Jack! Twist!

Too late!

Ugh. I'll call you back.

High knees!

Keep those knees high,
and I'm gonna send you

a home workout video
that I recorded.

Little glitch... It
plays upside down,

but otherwise, it's cool.

Oh, uh...

No, I-I'm Luke's mother.
I'm not trespassing.

No, I know, Mrs. Lakier.

Security recognizes you now.

Quick thing. Man...

Hey.

Uh, today at recess,
the kids were playing

in their cars on the playground,
and Macy cut Luke off,

drove in front of
him, bumped into him,

and he called her a
"bleeping bleep bleep."

Well, I mean, is she a
bleeping bleep bleep?

Let's just say she's
not a good driver

and too old to pronounce
the word animal "aminal,"

but regardless,

we try and encourage
our students to be kind

and fill each others'
buckets with positivity.

Shoot. Did Luke need
a bucket for school?

No, it's a metaphorical bucket.

Okay, well, that's way cheaper.

Yeah. So when this
sort of thing happens,

we usually find
that it's because

the child is parroting
something they hear at home.

Okay, so you mean
like a babysitter?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
We love Gloria here.

Please say hi.

This is a more recent change.

Puberty. Nope,
that's a ways off.

Well, I developed
very early, okay?

I mean, it was great at first.

It was kind of fun and exciting,

and then changing in gym class
got a little... you know.

I'm sure it was.

So, uh, not to assign
blame... Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

But it's probably a
parent Luke's parroting.

Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm gonna go,

'cause these kids aren't
gonna wipe themselves.

Okay, hey, I will...
I'll talk to Luke's dad

about being a better role model.

He's a real loose cannon, okay?

Wait, why did I come here?

Oh, God. Luke.

You get it.

Hey, Bri.

I got you some
groceries at Fields.

Hi. Hey.

These are all about to expire,

so if I were you, I'd
get on it. Oh, wow.

Thank you. You
are spoiling us.

Where's Lila?

Napping, I hope.

That cheap baby monitor I got

only picks up the
neighbor's Ring cam.

I think the wife's
having an affair.

The pest guy stays
there way too long.

What a mess.

You know, I've been
meaning to clean out

this closet for awhile.

God, Coleen was such a slob.

Oh, my God.

This is the scarf! What scarf?

Uh, the scarf.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

The one! The one with
the chickens on it!

She said that you tried
to tie her up with this.

Okay, it's roosters,
and, no, I did not.

Unless she said it was great.

I don't think that
"great" was the word.

I think it was...

"awkward, embarrassing,"
oh, and "sad."

But it was a good story.

That she wasn't
supposed to tell anyone.

She didn't. Just
me, Jodie, and Amy.

Oh. For the record,
I did a great job.

The problem was her wrists.

For such a thin woman,
she had very thick wrists.

It's why she always
wore men's watches.

You know, Brian, not
everybody's great at bondage.

Okay, Coleen was a very
unreliable narrator.

I will show you
exactly how good I did.

Oh. Come on. Get in there.

Be my guest.

The first thing I can
tell you you did wrong

without seeing anything

is that you used a scarf
with chickens on it.

Again, roosters,

and it was the only scarf
that she'd let us ruin.

It was a gift from my mom,

which probably added a
creepy layer to things.

Mm-hmm. Might be why
it didn't work out.

And done.

See, I don't think it
was her fat wrists,

may they rest in peace.

I think it was you.

Why don't you have
a seat... Okay.

And I will show you
how it's actually done.

You remember my ex, Diana.

Mm-hmm. She was a freak.

Couldn't tie her legs
together. You know what I mean?

So, uh... Oh.

What else did Coleen
tell you about me?

Um, that you cry at rom-coms,

uh, you love the
Dave Matthews Band,

and that you sit when you pee.

Every man does when
no one's around.

You have a blankie named Bolly.

You barricade the doors at
night in case of an intruder.

Because zombies.

Yeah.

Amy: Alright, heads up, Luke.

Glass incoming.

Watch where you're
going, you... nice man.

You very nice man.

Mommy, you're not gonna
take that, are you?

I am. I am gonna bend over
and I am gonna take it,

because that's what we
do when people upset us.

Mother...

of two is what I am.

Okay.

This is so hard.

There you go. Lunge. Lunge.

That's right. 90-degree angle!

You guys are doing
great. Sweet, okay.

For this next one, you
can use any household item

if you don't have
any weights at home.

I like to use a large
bottle of shampoo.

We're just gonna do
some tricep extensions.

Oh, you're walking.

And there's color in your face.

Yeah, I think the
last of it is out.

The tea you made really helped.

Aww. Thank you.

I think it was food poisoning.

I might have eaten some
bad Shrimp Louie yesterday.

Not Petruzzo's.

Petruzzo's. Oh, my God!

That is so gross! Dan!

They gave me back my coat
and there was a mouse

eating a tissue in the pocket!

I have never seen
you scream like that.

Your face was just
an open mouth.

Yeah, just like that. No!

I promise, next anniversary,

I will choose a restaurant

where the rodents stay
safely on the floor.

Oh, the laughter, it's
j-jostling the, uh...

warm shrimp.

Good
luck up there.

She originally
started dating you

because of the
free frozen yogurt.

But then she fell
madly in love with me?

Deeply, deeply, madly.

You were all she talked about.

And I'm done.

Mm. Try to get
out of that one.

Yeah, okay.

Oh.

Oh.

Wow.

You're really good at this.

You should get into kidnapping.

So, tell me something
she said about me.

I mean, she was just
really proud of you.

You had such an important
job, saving people.

Touching all those gross
body parts, all those fluids.

That's it?

Well, she thought you
looked great in scrubs.

She thought you were
a superhero, you know?

Sarah Man.

She was really proud
of you being a doctor.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
go bag groceries now.

Are you mad? I'm
picking up a tone.

You just told me Coleen was proud
of me because I was a doctor,

and now I'm not
a doctor anymore,

so my feelings are hurt.

Oh.

I'm... I'm sorry.

Was there anything
else she was proud of?

I'm... I'm sure there were
a lot of things, I just...

can't think of them right now
with you look at me like that.

See you later, Bri.

Oh, hey. I think you
forgot something.

Sarah!

Sarah.

Sarah?

Okay.

Hey, how was your day?

Oh, it was, um... My...
My day was wonderful.

Everyone was very
nice and... Oh, good.

Glad you have your guitar out.

Yeah, just grippin' and riffin'.

Doing that thang.

So hey, hey, hey.

So, Mr. Higgins tells me today

that our kids repeat
everything that we say,

and Luke has just been
dropping bleep-bombs

all around the playground.

Yeah. Wonder where
he got that from.

Yeah, well, I told him
I'd have a chat with you.

Right, you traced the
problem back to me.

Thank you. Okay, let's stop

pointing fingers at
each other, okay?

Higgins is the
real problem here.

He's a real piece
of... sheet cake.

So sheet cake, Luke, is
a wonderful, um, dessert

enjoyed by educators
in all countries.

Alright, I gotta write
my feelings down.

Luke, I'm borrowing
your notebook.

We could go up
on it. You could.

Yeah, that writes itself.

So, you know, it's
great. It's so good.

Um, you know what
I was thinking?

Your playing is so delightful
that maybe we save it up

as a surprise and
do a recital...

You do a recital at
the end of the month.

I mean, that's...
Yeah, that's so nice.

Yeah. Yeah. I
might not be ar...

I think, I'm looking through
my calendar right now,

and I don't think I'm around
at the end of the month.

Thank you for
shopping at Fields.

You have a great day.

Hey, I've been
trying to call you.

You're not picking up.

Well, because we're
in a fight, Brian.

Why are we in a fight?

I'm mad at you because
I'm mad at myself

for quitting the thing that
Coleen was most proud of.

And it's just easier
to be mad at you.

I get it. Coleen
used to get mad at me

when she was mad
at herself, too.

Yeah, I know that.

I remembered something
she was proud of you for.

It's too late. Just... What?

She was really proud when
you ran that six-minute mile

for a high-school fitness test.

I mean, she said it was the
fastest time that anyone did.

I didn't do that.

I cheated.

I've never cheated on
anything in my life.

I paid a girl to shave
a minute off my time.

I was trying to impress
our gym teacher.

Darn her beautiful breasts!

Now I'm mad at
myself again, okay?

So just go.

You know, I forgot, I
was gonna get some milk,

but I'll just pick some
up at the gas station.

Guys, can you meet me at the
high-school track in an hour?

I want to run the mile
in under six minutes,

but I don't want to do it alone,

since the girl who's been
missing for five years

was last seen there.

Oh, dear Lord.
Oh, Mr. Higgins.

You're early.
Should we come back?

This feels like a
"come back" moment.

No, no, no, no. Please,
come in. Have a seat.

We really need to
talk about Luke.

Um, with
our... with our tops off or...?

Don't make me send you to
the principal's office.

Why? She doing hot yoga?

I'm just gonna get to the point.

Uh, Luke brought in a poem
to read for show and tell.

Aww. How about Luke.
Hey. That's great.

"Higgins is a
bleeping prude..." Oh.

"whose bleep is
clenched so tight,

he can make
bleeping diamonds."

Non-rhyming poem.

Luke stole my notebook.

That is the bigger issue here.

So you also have
problems with your W's.

I do. I-I-I really
struggle with that.

Look, Mr. Higgins, I'm sure you can
see the... the humor in all of this.

Mm-hmm. I hope you can,
too. There is more.

No. "Henry is
playing the guitar

and making that bleeping face,

and I want to rip it off
and shove it up his bleep."

Okay, you know what?

I think we can say
"ass," alright?

It's an animal, and it
was heavily featured

in the Christmas
story, if I recall.

She didn't write
"ass." I gathered that.

Wow, you really don't
like my guitar face.

Oh, please do not
be so sensitive.

Your texting face
isn't so great, either.

Henry, that is
hurtful. I'm a lady.

Yeah, well. You
talk like a sailor.

You got to filter yourself.

Oh, w... I have
to filter myself?

Are you kidding me? You
don't filter yourself.

Yeah, I do. I filter
myself all the time.

Morning, noon,
especially right now.

Okay, well, some
of us aren't fake.

This is who I am.

Why should I change
for the kids?

I was here first. Very mature.

You're very mature.

Look, no one's saying
you can't be you,

just button it up
around the kids.

I'm gonna go. I have
a guitar recital

to practice for. Oh, lucky us.

I love you. I love you, too.

I have faith in you.
No, don't have faith.

Nobody needs faith.

I'm binging. Don't judge me.

Did you know you can't
curse in front of your kids?

Well, yes.

I mean, have you
never read one...

I'm sorry. I was gonna
say "parenting book."

I mean, if I knew
that I had to be

a good influence
for these things,

I don't... I wouldn't
have signed up for this.

If I had known that Dan was
gonna get food poisoning

and remind me of the
nice Dan I married,

I might not have kissed Matt.

You kissed Matt? Mm-hmm.

Are you
guys gonna do it?

I was maybe going to
if I lost eight pounds,

which I am dangerously close to.

Oh, you're training
for an affair. Got it.

Shush! Shh!

Oh, a little. I guess
people can change.

I never would have
pegged you for somebody

who would put themselves first.

Well, I never pegged
you as someone

who would put her kids first.

You're doin' it,
girl! Great hustle!

Look at you!

Yeah, you know what? I
think my kids would be

better off without me.

I can't control myself.

Oh, my God.

You think my kids would
be better off without me?

I never said that.

Yeah, but you never
said the wouldn't.

Well, you used to not
care what I thought.

Well, I still don't
care what you think,

but I mean, you could blow
a little smoke up my ass.

Oh, shoot, am I a bad
person if I have an affair?

Am I gonna have
to say "shoot" now

when I slam my
finger in a drawer?

You've got this!

Really good hustle!

You know what? I'm gonna
get my act together

and I'm gonna be a good
role model for my kids,

because you think I can't.

You're gonna be a
mother just to spite me?

Well, I need incentive.

Okay.

I'm gonna cheat on Dan just
'cause you don't think I would.

To spite me? Yeah.

No.

Because it was the
greatest kiss ever,

and he's really stinkin' hot.

Stinkin'?

No, I can't say "stinkin'."

I can't. I can't do that.

Oh, God. I need an
outlet for this anger.

Wha... What was my time?!

Um, uh, what... What
were you trying to beat?

Six minutes!

Oh! Oh, well!

Well, it's 5:51! Yeah!

Yes!

Coleen, I did it!

I'm not a doctor anymore,
but I did the other thing!

Well, let's go
congratulate this nutbag.

Don't say "nutbag."
It's not PC. What?

Don't ever say it
around your kids.

I don't see a face.

I don't know what
she's talking about.

Yeah?

I just see a sexy
guy doing sexy stuff.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Mind if I get in
this a little bit?

Let me hit it.

Whoo! All I see is a rock god.

Thanks. Run this baby back?

Let's back this up. Let's
double team this dream.

Mm.

Oh, man.

Yeah, I think Lila's awake.

Uh, she's gonna
want to hear this.

Two, three, four.

You dumb

Use your blinker if
you're gonna make a turn.

If you're turning to the
right, use the right blinker,

you

What's wrong with her?

She's a role model.

I feel better.