Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 12 - Episode #3.12 - full transcript
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] So who are we thinking
for this empty Supreme Court seat?
I could probably do it myself.
Being president's more of
a part-time thing for me.
Can you believe I get
to pick three justices
who will set legal
precedent for decades?
Hey, did I tell you about the time
on Celebrity Apprentice
when I had a screaming match
with La Toya Jackson?
Oh, Donald, you've made me the happiest
little norm killer in
all the smoldering land.
How 'bout I hold a press conference,
talk into one of them
chocolate ice-cream cones
that makes my voice loud
and say, "Mitch McDonald's a hypocrite"?
Calm down, Joe. I've got my people
working on a set of
decorative place mats
that say "Good Grief"
over McConnell's face.
Love it, but is "Good Grief" too strong?
We want him to back down, not resign.
So, what makes you the
best Supreme Court candidate
to let me remain president
until I'm just a brain in a vat?
Look how hard I can pound a gavel!
Bam, bam! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!
Senator Collins, your
party is counting on you.
Sor... cutting... ow...
please call... ate... er!
Listen up, Boomer scum.
You're gonna leverage
every ounce of your power
to stop this, or I'm telling everyone
about your champagne aquifers.
I can't go back to vineyard
bottled champagne!
I'm not a train-car hobo!
Put me on the court!
Me and Clarence Thomas
would really hit it off!
Who doesn't love a pube prank?
You should see the mound I left
on my ex-cousin-wife's dresser
when she flirted with
the bathroom attendant
at the 9/11 Museum. It was so big,
she opened a window and
tried to scare it out!
- Mitch, don't do this, please!
- Mitch, don't do this!
- Mitch, please!
- Mitch, please!
- Think of the hypocrisy!
- [HUMMING]
Make sure the new justice
is cool with me calling her
hilarious inside-joke
nicknames like "Yarf"
that I can chant at happy hours!
Yarf! Yarf! Yarf! Yarf! Like so.
- [SOBBING] Please!
- I'm going to stand
on the Capitol steps wagging my finger
at your photo back and forth like so!
- [HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Look at me! I'm a lunatic!
- [PELOSI WAILING]
- Have I no mercy?!
Yarf! Yarf! Yarf!
I fricking love you, Yarf!
[SOBBING] I love you, Yarf!
On the off chance my
finger wag doesn't work,
we may have to pack the Court.
Wowee! I choose Barack Obama
and that feisty chick
who plays The Good Wife!
[SIGHS] Maybe we can
count on Mitt Romney
to show some backbone.
Mitt, do we have your vote?
As the last maverick of the Senate,
I must do what's right...
lay low for three days
before falling in line.
Bam, bam! Ba-ba-ba-ba-bam, bam!
Ted Cruz! Bam, bam, bam, bam!
So, anyway, Donald,
just a pick a Jesus lady.
I'll jam her through in two weeks.
- Yeah, yeah, I know the deal.
- [DEVICE CHIMES]
Hey. Where'd Ted go?
[COURT CRIER] All
persons having business
before the Honorable, the Supreme Court
of the United States, are admonished
to draw near and give their attention,
for the Court is now sitting.
[CRUZ] Whoo-hoo! [YELPS] Hoo-hoo! Gah!
I got asbestos in my teeth,
wig powder in my crack,
and I am ready to cut
pre-existing conditions!
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam...
- Whoo! Welcome home, Yarf!
- ... bam, bam, bam, bam, bam...
♪♪
[SCHUMER AND PELOSI]
Don't rock the boat!
Don't rock the boat!
♪♪
- Here he comes. Here he comes.
- [EXCITED WHISPERING]
[ALL] Surprise!
[MCCONNELL] You guys! For me?
To Leader Mitch McConnell
for his life's work of
goring Beelzebub's horn
through the heart of the middle class!
[ALL] Hear, hear!
Without your efforts,
Americans could never dream
of going bankrupt from a root canal.
I owe you everything, MC Hammer!
I know Gorsuch is your favorite,
and, yes, that absolutely hurts,
but I would die for you!
Say the word, and I will get
blackout in your name right now!
Please say it!!
It has been the joy of my life
to make over the Supreme Court
like it's my own personal Barbie doll.
To the next six years! Hear, hear!
- [GLASS CRACKS]
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Oh, boy! Mitchell, this
little taxpayer-funded
seven-figure soiree is
for your final Senate term.
What the hell are you talking about?
Sounds like you've been
living under a rock...
which is less fun than it sounds,
and old Ted Cruz has got the
chipmunk bites to prove it!
Ow, ow, ow, ow! [BLABBERING]
[NEWS INTRO MUSIC PLAYS]
I'm Anderson Cooper, and
it goes without saying
that this is a standing treadmill desk.
New polling suggests that
many Republican senators,
including Leader McConnell,
could lose reelection over their ties
to an increasingly
toxic President Trump.
Oh, change the channel.
I've seen this one before.
This is different.
You let Trump get so unruly,
he's basically a big ol' stinky dog!
McConnell's blanket
excusal of Trump's behavior
has finally led the President
to abandon any sense of decorum
and revert to his most base instincts.
Today he hosted a state dinner
for French President Emmanuel Macron
and, once again, failed to
behave like a human being.
He wouldn't stop eating
pie off his guests' plates,
and he had to be put outside
while everyone finished their meals.
He's gonna lose us the Senate!
Especially if he signs
that executive order
deputizing every Confederate flag.
Oh, relax.
I've got our bad, dumb, fat president
completely under control.
With the first Presidential
debate just days away,
the question on everyone's mind is,
"Will Trump defecate in his podium?"
Oh, he has one productive
bowel movement a month.
The odds are slim.
- For more on this week's debate,
- _
I'm joined by the Democratic nominee,
Vice President Joe Biden.
Charmed to be here, Coop!
Hey, did you hear the
one about the bucko
with the small boonga and
the lady with the big goonga?
Not since we said hello
backstage five minutes ago.
How is your debate prep going?
Oh, I don't monkey with all that.
I just shoot from the hip.
Everybody loves Quick-Draw Joe!
With all due respect, sir,
watching you speak off-the-cuff
is like watching a
drunk guy roller-skate.
Take for instance your remarks today
before a group of Jewish leaders
in honor of Yom Kippur.
Hey, buddy, where can I get one
of your big chocolate-cake hats?
- You holler "yes" or "no",
- _
and I'll list the game-show
hosts I assume are Jewish.
Did you hear the one about the
cantor with the small boonga?
You cut before I skunked the
rabbi in a push-up contest!
And just a quick reminder
to any DNC leaders at home...
there's still time photoshop Joe Biden
out of his own campaign materials.
♪♪
[ALARM CHIRPS, GLASS SQUEAKING]
Mitt. Can I help you?
Oh, boy, you caught me.
I was hoping to buff your car
clean then escape into the night
so I wouldn't get credit.
What do you want this time?
I told you I can't ban the
use of the word "udders".
Now that you and you
alone brought it up,
I'd love to be the Republican
nominee for president.
We tried that in 2012,
and you shit the bed.
While I don't appreciate the S-word,
thank you for not using the U-word.
It's not happening, Mitt.
Besides, Trump has a bill
signing in the morning
that'll make him look more
presidential than ever.
I'm not a ne'er-do-well
pill-popper! Think about it!
[BIDEN] Was that white-haired
seventh grader right?
Does Quick-Draw Joe, the
fastest debater in the West,
need to learn to watch his words?
Sure I opposed bussing,
but it was the '70s!
We were all burning bras
and upholding segregation!
- [TAPE FAST-FORWARDING]
- A lady who doesn't like a hug
should wear a pin on her
boob that says "no fun".
So far, nothin' but net!
This debate's gonna be a
piece of crabapple rhubarb pie!
Hey, what's this?
- Tonight's debate was another burst pipe
- _
at the diarrhea factory
for the Biden campaign.
Earnest question... how can any
man capable of dressing himself
have such a porous verbal filter?
My guess... Biden was dressed
by someone else long ago
and now sleeps in his clothes.
A damning assessment, especially coming
- from Chuck Todd.
- What does that mean?
- [MAN] Has just changed more...
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Trump!
- When was the last time you...
- Trump!
- Hi! I'm MyPillow...
- Upcoming here...
- ... multiculturalism...
- Trump!
- Trump!
- It was a dramatic day...
- Trump!
- Reports...
- [SNORING]
- Trump!
- [GASPS] Huh? Oh.
- Trump! Trump!
- Trump! Trump, Trump!
- What the heck is that?
Trump!
[MAN] Shut that president
up, or I'm calling the cops!
[VEHICLE ALARMS BLARING, HORNS HONKING]
[MCCONNELL] I'm told the
President will be here soon
to sign an executive order mandating
an F-16-enforced 3 p.m. curfew.
He's just wrapping up a, uh, 5-K sprint.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- There he is!
Let's take a look at that gold medal.
Did you lose a president last night?
He's about yay-high
and answers to "Trump".
- Mitch! Mitch! Mitch! Mitch!
- He's mine.
[JILL] Why the long face, Joe?
I told you, not every
sweeping crime bill
withstands the test of time.
I just know I'm gonna biff this debate.
But this debate is the most
important fight of your life!
It could throw the whole race!
Then there goes my deeply personal
First Lady initiative
on literacy or whatever!
Why can't I be like Barack?
That guy can pause between
words without the next words
bumping into each other
and starting a fist fight!
You can watch your words.
Remember how you
learned to stop reciting
Cheech & Chong routines
around Julián Castro?
To get it out of my system,
you made me recite them
every morning in the shed!
Jill, will you help me
get in debatin' shape?
Sure, yeah.
I still teach college English full-time,
but I can try to shift stuff around.
Hot dog and yella' mustard!
I'm gonna learn to
debate without old ladies
saying "good heavens" and
passing out in their soup!
♪♪
I can spin anything
except for a police officer
finding you eating a diaper
behind the White House!
So you're flawed. Not
all of us can be me.
For the first time, I regret
aligning myself with you.
Mitch, you know where this is going.
I rile up the voters with some fun
call-and-response hate
speech, and by November 4th,
you and me are joined at
the stinky, gangrenous hip.
We're thinking of
replacing you on the ticket
with someone whose name
won't soon be illegal to print.
[GASPS] You wouldn't dare!
Besides, Antonio Sabàto Jr.
would never play in the Midwest!
No. [WHISTLING] Senator Romney.
What?! You know he gets off
on upholding the rule of law.
You need to learn to act like
a domesticated human
president immediately,
or you can say goodbye
to the White House.
- Hmmmmmmmm.
- And this pie.
[GASPS] Pie! I'll do the one with pie!
[MUNCHING]
♪♪
[CONWAY] Welcome to Operation Act Normal
For One Freaking Minute.
Because I'm the only person
who got you to stop
forehead-flicking Angela Merkel,
Mitch McConnell pulled
me out of retirement
to be your instructor.
I should be fine as long
as no one tempts me
to be a disgusting weirdo.
Hey, do youse guys know
why I would've woken up
in the middle of the night
and wrote this note?
Out! Out, out! No!
Donald, tell him to leave.
What?! You didn't tell her
Thursday's the day I come over
and we shove our faces
in bowls of beef stew
and itch our backs on the furniture?!
Sorry. It's been a busy one.
Go away, Rudy!
You're a bad influence on Donald.
Alright! Geez! I'll go!
Donald, I convinced my girlfriend
to implant a third breast.
I'll call you for your
credit-card info. Bye!
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Let's get to work.
[GIULIANI] Bunga pit!
A pit for sex! Of course!
[JILL] To win this debate,
you just need to learn
to think before you speak.
For practice, I've
arranged a mock debate
with the easiest possible opponent.
While I didn't "make" my
high-school debate team,
I did make my mom call
the school and complain.
Oh, no! I feel prickly words
pokin' at my voice box!
Just remember... think before you speak.
First question.
As president, how will you
lower the unemployment ra...
Let kids enter the workforce!
They can crawl around on the floor
shining our shoes during meetings!
Mix your dad a drink. Get paid in tips.
That's a new tax base!
Just don't grow up and
bellyache for free college.
You kids can pay your 280 bucks
a year like everyone else!
[SIGHS] Chuck?
I, on the other hand, conversely,
will create a website
where people can find jobs.
I'm just now realizing that
many such websites exist,
but mine will have a mascot
of a frog wearing glasses.
I did bad I think.
Perhaps the performer is less incapable
than his competitor is formidable.
Ohp. My shoes fell off.
[CONWAY] Okay. Let's practice
some dignified President crap.
Pretend you're in a
bilateral press conference
with the President of...
um... Smarty Pants Land.
Wow! I thought Smarty Pants Land
only existed in my sketchpad!
Mr. President, say
something presidential.
Americans' most important
issue is corruption in Ukraine,
which is why they must
investigate Joe Biden.
No. That's why the Democrats
impeached your ass, remember?
The only thing I remember is
when they had to use a spatula
to remove me from the steam room.
Ugh. He's so stupid.
I'm not convinced he's human.
Have you checked for blowholes?
Every day.
Eric, talk about trade or some shit.
It's time for your
closeup, old boy. I...
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP GROWLS]
- Aah!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I know
you have pie in your pocket!
[ERIC] Stop biting, and
I'll gladly scoop it out!
Oh, I know how to handle him.
[JILL] Honey, I can't fix what's
wrong with you in two days.
Guess I can forget my
ceaseless personal mission
to promote child literacy or team sports
or whatever the campaign
says plays best in 2024.
Hey, what'd you mean back
there when you kept saying,
"Think before you speak,
for Christ's sake,
the hell's the matter with you?"
Simple... before you speak,
take a second to think
about what to say,
using your inner voice.
My inner I hardly know who, now?
Of course! That's it!
You've never paused long enough
before blurting your blather
to hear your inner voice!
- Hold on!
- [TAPE RIPS]
As president, how will you address
the threat of climate change?
[MUFFLED SHOUTING]
I can't hear you, Joe!
So you might as well stop shouting
and listen to your thoughts!
[SHOUTING STOPS]
Ooh! [EXCITED MUMBLING]
What did you hear?
I was trying to propose
installing a giant ceiling fan
on the moon's ass, then I heard
a shouty guy in my head say,
"That's a fun idea but sounds pricey!"
Joe! That was your inner voice!
Holy crow! Where's my hammer?
I'm just gonna scare him!
No, Joe, your inner
voice is your friend,
and he's always there to help
you say appropriate things.
- You just have to listen.
- Wowee!
- I'm gonna name him Thinky!
- Sure, fine.
Now we just need to find a way
to keep your body occupied
so your mind is free to do its thing.
[CONWAY] Where do you
think you're going?
It's been a few days
since I've taken a piss
on John McCain's grave.
No! Bad President! Bad!
Jesus! Out of the way!
I really have to go potty!
Hey, hey, hey! President
want a diet pill?
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Sit. Sit.
No. Come on. Give it to me.
Sit or no elevated heart rate
or bone-dry sinuses for the President.
I mean it!
[GRUMBLES] Fine.
Trump!
Patience. Patience.
Now you can eat your
over-the-counter speed.
Oh, yeah! That oughta
suppress your appetite.
Good president. Yes, you are.
Oh, my God. Why are you so damp?
♪♪
[JILL] You're finally ready to practice
debating the self-proclaimed
master of the form.
Just do what I do
and be the most eloquent
orator of a generation.
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
Aw, geez! Did you hear that sentence?
He didn't say a single nickname
of a guy he once fought with a hubcap!
Your inner voice... sorry, "Thinky"...
will help you this time.
Just take a seat and distract your body
so you can focus your mind.
First question.
As president, how will you
address illegal immigration?
One thing I will not do...
is throw asylum-seeking
children... in cages.
Those kids... should be
caged with their mothers.
Joe, your response?
I...
will...
boost...
border... security...
My God. He's out-pausing Obama!
... but... call...
the... wall...
"compassionate... fencing".
You did it, Joe! Not
a blurt in the bunch!
The master has met his match.
If you need me, I'll be blowing
out the bolts on my Peloton.
♪♪
[PRESIDENT TRUMP BARKING]
Trump! Trump! Trump!
How long does crate training take?
The veterinarian and
presidential historian
agreed as little as one night.
Be a good president, and Mommy
will be there in the morning!
[WHIMPERING]
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Trump! Trump! Trump!
[BARKING] Trump! Trump,
Trump, Trump, Trump!
Trump! Trump!
Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump!
Trump! Trump! Trump!
♪♪
There's my baby.
Do you feel racist, sexist,
or criminally undisciplined?
No. I just have to go pee.
And where do we go pee-pee?
- In the bathtub.
- Good enough.
Oh, who's a good president?
I am!
[BIDEN] Gee, folks!
This is pleasant, huh?
My noggin ain't felt so clear
since the dentist gave me happy gas
and bolted in my
naturally perfect teeth!
Great! Now keep practicing so
you can hear your inner voice
without squeezing wet mud.
[THINKY] Hey, there, Joe!
¿Qué pasa, big papa?
[GASPS] Thinky! Is that you?!
Is TV worse now than back in the day?
Hey, close them eyes,
and let's hang out in your big ol' head!
[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]
♪ ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS ♪
[TWINKLING]
Pretty neat inside your
mind palace, huh, folks?
Really puts stuff in perspective.
It sure does, Thinky. I don't follow.
The troubles of life look pretty small
when you really think about 'em.
In a way, folks are just like
little ants crawlin' on a rock,
floatin' through space, folks!
Whoa. You're so smart, Thinky.
Sorry I tried to threaten
you with a hammer.
No prob, kemosob.
Just a drop in the bucket
of galactic time.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
Man, oh, man! Thinkin's fun!
I wonder if I can think of
a dog wearing a chef's hat.
Hey, who let you in the kitchen, doggy?!
[JAZZ TRUMPET PLAYS]
_
- I play the fife, you know.
- Shut up, Mitt.
Trump has gone from beast to beauty.
And John McCain's grave has
never stunk of piss less.
[SMOOTHLY] So, I was having
dinner with George Clooney,
Jerry Seinfeld, and Fran Lebowitz
the other night, and Fran says to me,
"Donald, how do you stay so
humane in such a crazy world?"
[TRUMPET PLAYING]
I polish off the crudités and reply,
"All anyone needs is
a roof over their head,
a song in their heart, and
a trumpet in their hands".
♪♪
[ALL] Ooh!
♪♪
Same time next week. This has been fun.
Wow! Looks like someone's
getting another four years
of begging his wife not to divorce him.
Hey, Kellyanne, what's that?
Mr. President, we talked about this.
The old Donald Trump
would pounce on that pie,
but the domesticated Donald
Trump would certainly not.
Of course. I'm a smooth, suave president
who goes pee-pee in the bathtub.
And nothing will ever change that.
Code red. There's still a
little piece of him in there.
In summary, the past, present,
and future exist simultaneously,
and thus the perceived flow of time
is a load of codswallop!
Same question again...
what's with the ponytail?
I'm a thinkin' man now,
ignoring pointless fiddle-faddle
like haircuts and levity.
Dr. Biden, you led the Vice
President's debate prep.
How did it go? I assume
like World Wars I and II
having sex in a Burger King?
Really well... I think.
Tune in tonight 'cause Joe
Biden's coming out swingin'!
Public debate is masturbatory!
Now that I think about
it, I shouldn't be runnin'
for President at all! I
should just sit in a meadow
and renounce my worldly possessions.
Will you excuse us?
Sure. Of course. It's just live TV.
You were supposed to
stop shouting 1920s slurs
for Italians, not turn into
Noam friggin' Chomsky!
Ain't it great? Everything's
so dang interesting
when you think about it.
Whoa! I just thought of lizards!
You can't show up at
the debate like this!
Don't you worry. I'm
skipping the debate.
Gonna go check out
that meadow off I-95.
You're gonna throw this election away...
and my First Lady initiative with it!
You're crippling the cause of literacy,
or team sports, or some crap!
When you think about it,
First Lady initiatives
aren't all that important.
[GASPS] I have no idea
what my initiative will be,
but it will be as important to me
as it is to the focus
group that selects it!
I'll be at my sister's,
feeling my eyes glaze over
a pile of personal essays
about my students' trips to Spain!
Are you okay, you mysterious genius?
Yeah, I'm just waterboarding
myself with my own saliva.
That's cool. Baby want a diet pill?
I need that pie! [GROWLS]
Trump! Trump!
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
- Tru-ooh! Ugh.
Just lock him in the laundry room.
He likes to hump the dryer.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP HOWLING]
[CHAIN RATTLING]
Trump! Trump!
[GROWLS] How long do
I have to stay here?!
Just till the general election.
After that, you can
do whatever you want.
Mmm! This is delicious!
Hey, Mitch, you ol' pal, while
Donald here is chained up,
what do you say we go have a spirited
fitted-sheet folding race?
Whoa! Mitch, I'm still
gonna be the nominee, right?
You wouldn't dare leave me for someone
who's never had a good chuckle
with the King of Saudi Arabia!
The presidency is too important.
[ROMNEY] Yeah!
[MCCONNELL] Mitt, get your
goddamn arm off my shoulder.
♪ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ♪
[BIDEN] Foooolks...
Fooooooooooooooooooolks...
Huh! Achieving total
nirvana kinda stinks!
Well, what do I do now?
Find another Bodhi tree to sit under?
I got ant bites up my
cracker jack as it is!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP HOWLING]
Aw, crud! A coyot'!
I'd run, but I can't see
diddly-zip with these specs.
Can't see without 'em neither!
Ah, Jill would know how to help.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] You can't
let it end this way, Donald.
Maybe if they were giving the nomination
to Diamond and/or Silk,
but not Mitt Romney!
[GROWLS]
[GROANS]
[PANTING]
Come on, Donald. They
can't chain you down.
You're an animal!
You have no complex thought!
No sense of humor!
You're not above throwing your
feces at a harmless onlooker!
Donald Trump laces his public speeches
with vulgarity...
bragged about his marital affairs.
At the same, he's called
George W. Bush a liar.
The bullying, the showing off,
the absurd third-grade theatrics.
He has neither the temperament
nor the judgment to be president.
A phony.
[GROWLING AND SNARLING]
I am not human!
- Trrrruuuuuummmpppp!
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
[THINKY] So when you think about it,
a single-payer healthcare system
is the only humane option.
Joe, you listenin'?
Oh, sorry. Zoned out.
Don't think I missed anything important.
Joe, I can tell when
something's on your mind.
I am your mind.
It's time we parted ways
so you can win that debate.
But I thought the debate didn't matter
in the grand scheme of things.
It matters if it matters
to folks that matter to you.
Your wife and millions
of concerned citizens
are counting on you...
not to be a smarty-pants thinkin' man,
but to be a blunt-force object
that can finally knock out Trump.
But what if I get excited
and blurt out a bunch of boner-bloops?
Your unfiltered emotion
is kinda the only thing
you got goin' for ya.
Besides, since when was Joe Biden
held accountable for his words?
Or his alleged actions!
[BIDEN SCREAMING]
[VASES SHATTERING]
- [DISHES SHATTERING]
- Ah, that stupid...
[SCREAMING, HAIR RIPS]
- ♪♪
- _
[ANNOUNCER] Welcome to the first debate
of the 2020 general election.
Good evening. I'm Chris Wallace,
the only Fox News host not
yet denounced by the NAACP.
Tonight, rumors are swirling
that Senator Mitt Romney
may replace the increasingly
unruly President Trump
as the Republican nominee.
If true, we could see a bigger meltdown
than when Sean Hannity's divorce lawyer
called with bad news
about the house in Aspen.
"I will restore the Republican party
to the dignity and
sensibility of the Bush years.
Together we will build a better
future for a handful of rich
70-year-olds named Charles. Thank yo..."
- [GROWLING]
- Aaaaaah!
[ROMNEY] One of my shirt-tails
is part-way untucked!
A reminder to the audience...
please remain quiet
and hold your reactions
until the very...
- [AUDIENCE SCREAMING]
- Truuuuuuuuuuuuump!
I gotta stop covering my bases
by praying to God and Satan.
[GROWLS]
Welcome, and good God, Mr. President.
First question. What
do you say to critics
who have called your response
to the global pandemic
"sluggish", "inadequate"...
And I'm sorry. I'm distracted
by what looks like venom
dripping from your teeth.
- Truuuuuuuuuuuuump!
- Oh, dear.
See you in hell, Roger Ailes.
[BIDEN] Hold it right
there, you loudmouth
piece of no-good scrap rubber blown in
from the ol' nonsense factory
in the Polish part of Crapville!
You're gonna march back to that lectern
so we can jaw-joust
like civilized fellas
with problematic blind spots, got it?!
[WHIMPERING]
Way to go, Quick-Draw Joe!
And no one's calling the
Anti-Defamation League!
[THINKY] Wowee, buckaroo!
That was some mighty
fine tongue-slingin'!
Gee, thanks, Thinky!
Oh, no! I'm listening to my thoughts!
I'm gonna go all namby-pamby again!
Trump! Trump! Truuuump!!
Don't panic, Joe. You thought
up a plan for this, remember?
Blunt-force object!
Beat it, inner voice!
Joe Biden don't need no thoughts!
I'll chase you all the way
down through my ass if I hafta!
- Trump! Trump!
- Get outta here, you...
I almost regret making
oodles of cash off these guys.
I feel shame juice seeping
into my ambition cortex.
What do we do, Mitch?!
I've got an idea.
[THINKY] Okay, geez. Thinky
doesn't want any trouble!
I'll hit the road, kemosob!
And never come back,
ya hear?! Thanks, buddy.
I'm really gonna miss ya. No, I ain't!
All you ever done was drag me down!
And enrich my life
beyond my wildest dreams.
[HAMMER CLATTERS]
- Ugh...
- Where's the pie, asshole?
- W-W-Wha... ?
- No way a domesticated dork
like Mitt Romney would ever deign
to eat a full slice
of pie in one sitting.
Where'd you stash it?
I'm... I'm gettin' s-sleepy...
Hurry up, or I'll loosen
the knot on your tie
and send photos to your
entire congregation!
[BOTH GROWLING AND SNARLING]
Fox News wants me to remind
voters that at least Trump
hasn't spent this debate
describing his genitals.
Quick... where are the diet pills?
He won't eat it! He just wants pie!
Put the diet pills in the pie.
That's why you're the
puppet-master, Mitch.
Over here, you mysterious genius!
[SLOW-MOTION GROWLING]
[CHOMP, MUNCHING]
Mmmmm!
Oh, yeah. [GRUMBLING] Uh-huh.
To answer your question, Chris,
my critics are all
Soros-funded operatives
who I will personally lock
in solitary confinement
in the secret jail
under the Smithsonian.
Huh. That series of grunts
appeared to be in the Queen's English.
Credit goes to President Trump
for not mentioning any ethnic
stereotypes in his response.
[CROWD CHEERING AND WHISTLING]
[COOPER] Last night,
Vice President Biden
proved that he doesn't need
to watch his words to beat Trump.
In fact, shouting a string
of deranged threats
might be the only tactic that
works on our beastly president.
It's good to have you
back, my lovable liability!
Thank god we no longer live in an age
of collegially behaved presidents!
Yeah, America might finally
be uncivilized enough
to elect Joe Biden!
Thanks for all your
back-breaking instruction
that I've completely thrown out.
My pleasure, honey.
Say, I've got eight hours
of Twelfth Night
PowerPoint presentations
to click through.
Wanna give me a hand?
Nah.
[MCCONNELL] Mr. President, I forgive you
for trying to eat Chris Wallace.
Actually, snap polls show your base
really responded to
the threat of violence.
Do I look like a guy who
doesn't know what he's doing?
Just keep taking your diet pills,
and I promise to keep my wagon hitched
to your filthy, squealing hog
truck through Election Day.
You're an unsympathetic subhuman beast,
and that's why you're
our top Republican.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[GIULIANI] Donald! Come
quick! I dug a bunga pit!
Wanna watch me hump my way out?
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Oh, can I, Mitch?
- Can I, can I, can I, can I?!
- [MCCONNELL] Oh... I suppose.
- [GIULIANI] Alright!
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Yay!
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump ♪
♪ He is our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did it ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Trump!
---
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] So who are we thinking
for this empty Supreme Court seat?
I could probably do it myself.
Being president's more of
a part-time thing for me.
Can you believe I get
to pick three justices
who will set legal
precedent for decades?
Hey, did I tell you about the time
on Celebrity Apprentice
when I had a screaming match
with La Toya Jackson?
Oh, Donald, you've made me the happiest
little norm killer in
all the smoldering land.
How 'bout I hold a press conference,
talk into one of them
chocolate ice-cream cones
that makes my voice loud
and say, "Mitch McDonald's a hypocrite"?
Calm down, Joe. I've got my people
working on a set of
decorative place mats
that say "Good Grief"
over McConnell's face.
Love it, but is "Good Grief" too strong?
We want him to back down, not resign.
So, what makes you the
best Supreme Court candidate
to let me remain president
until I'm just a brain in a vat?
Look how hard I can pound a gavel!
Bam, bam! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!
Senator Collins, your
party is counting on you.
Sor... cutting... ow...
please call... ate... er!
Listen up, Boomer scum.
You're gonna leverage
every ounce of your power
to stop this, or I'm telling everyone
about your champagne aquifers.
I can't go back to vineyard
bottled champagne!
I'm not a train-car hobo!
Put me on the court!
Me and Clarence Thomas
would really hit it off!
Who doesn't love a pube prank?
You should see the mound I left
on my ex-cousin-wife's dresser
when she flirted with
the bathroom attendant
at the 9/11 Museum. It was so big,
she opened a window and
tried to scare it out!
- Mitch, don't do this, please!
- Mitch, don't do this!
- Mitch, please!
- Mitch, please!
- Think of the hypocrisy!
- [HUMMING]
Make sure the new justice
is cool with me calling her
hilarious inside-joke
nicknames like "Yarf"
that I can chant at happy hours!
Yarf! Yarf! Yarf! Yarf! Like so.
- [SOBBING] Please!
- I'm going to stand
on the Capitol steps wagging my finger
at your photo back and forth like so!
- [HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Look at me! I'm a lunatic!
- [PELOSI WAILING]
- Have I no mercy?!
Yarf! Yarf! Yarf!
I fricking love you, Yarf!
[SOBBING] I love you, Yarf!
On the off chance my
finger wag doesn't work,
we may have to pack the Court.
Wowee! I choose Barack Obama
and that feisty chick
who plays The Good Wife!
[SIGHS] Maybe we can
count on Mitt Romney
to show some backbone.
Mitt, do we have your vote?
As the last maverick of the Senate,
I must do what's right...
lay low for three days
before falling in line.
Bam, bam! Ba-ba-ba-ba-bam, bam!
Ted Cruz! Bam, bam, bam, bam!
So, anyway, Donald,
just a pick a Jesus lady.
I'll jam her through in two weeks.
- Yeah, yeah, I know the deal.
- [DEVICE CHIMES]
Hey. Where'd Ted go?
[COURT CRIER] All
persons having business
before the Honorable, the Supreme Court
of the United States, are admonished
to draw near and give their attention,
for the Court is now sitting.
[CRUZ] Whoo-hoo! [YELPS] Hoo-hoo! Gah!
I got asbestos in my teeth,
wig powder in my crack,
and I am ready to cut
pre-existing conditions!
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam...
- Whoo! Welcome home, Yarf!
- ... bam, bam, bam, bam, bam...
♪♪
[SCHUMER AND PELOSI]
Don't rock the boat!
Don't rock the boat!
♪♪
- Here he comes. Here he comes.
- [EXCITED WHISPERING]
[ALL] Surprise!
[MCCONNELL] You guys! For me?
To Leader Mitch McConnell
for his life's work of
goring Beelzebub's horn
through the heart of the middle class!
[ALL] Hear, hear!
Without your efforts,
Americans could never dream
of going bankrupt from a root canal.
I owe you everything, MC Hammer!
I know Gorsuch is your favorite,
and, yes, that absolutely hurts,
but I would die for you!
Say the word, and I will get
blackout in your name right now!
Please say it!!
It has been the joy of my life
to make over the Supreme Court
like it's my own personal Barbie doll.
To the next six years! Hear, hear!
- [GLASS CRACKS]
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Oh, boy! Mitchell, this
little taxpayer-funded
seven-figure soiree is
for your final Senate term.
What the hell are you talking about?
Sounds like you've been
living under a rock...
which is less fun than it sounds,
and old Ted Cruz has got the
chipmunk bites to prove it!
Ow, ow, ow, ow! [BLABBERING]
[NEWS INTRO MUSIC PLAYS]
I'm Anderson Cooper, and
it goes without saying
that this is a standing treadmill desk.
New polling suggests that
many Republican senators,
including Leader McConnell,
could lose reelection over their ties
to an increasingly
toxic President Trump.
Oh, change the channel.
I've seen this one before.
This is different.
You let Trump get so unruly,
he's basically a big ol' stinky dog!
McConnell's blanket
excusal of Trump's behavior
has finally led the President
to abandon any sense of decorum
and revert to his most base instincts.
Today he hosted a state dinner
for French President Emmanuel Macron
and, once again, failed to
behave like a human being.
He wouldn't stop eating
pie off his guests' plates,
and he had to be put outside
while everyone finished their meals.
He's gonna lose us the Senate!
Especially if he signs
that executive order
deputizing every Confederate flag.
Oh, relax.
I've got our bad, dumb, fat president
completely under control.
With the first Presidential
debate just days away,
the question on everyone's mind is,
"Will Trump defecate in his podium?"
Oh, he has one productive
bowel movement a month.
The odds are slim.
- For more on this week's debate,
- _
I'm joined by the Democratic nominee,
Vice President Joe Biden.
Charmed to be here, Coop!
Hey, did you hear the
one about the bucko
with the small boonga and
the lady with the big goonga?
Not since we said hello
backstage five minutes ago.
How is your debate prep going?
Oh, I don't monkey with all that.
I just shoot from the hip.
Everybody loves Quick-Draw Joe!
With all due respect, sir,
watching you speak off-the-cuff
is like watching a
drunk guy roller-skate.
Take for instance your remarks today
before a group of Jewish leaders
in honor of Yom Kippur.
Hey, buddy, where can I get one
of your big chocolate-cake hats?
- You holler "yes" or "no",
- _
and I'll list the game-show
hosts I assume are Jewish.
Did you hear the one about the
cantor with the small boonga?
You cut before I skunked the
rabbi in a push-up contest!
And just a quick reminder
to any DNC leaders at home...
there's still time photoshop Joe Biden
out of his own campaign materials.
♪♪
[ALARM CHIRPS, GLASS SQUEAKING]
Mitt. Can I help you?
Oh, boy, you caught me.
I was hoping to buff your car
clean then escape into the night
so I wouldn't get credit.
What do you want this time?
I told you I can't ban the
use of the word "udders".
Now that you and you
alone brought it up,
I'd love to be the Republican
nominee for president.
We tried that in 2012,
and you shit the bed.
While I don't appreciate the S-word,
thank you for not using the U-word.
It's not happening, Mitt.
Besides, Trump has a bill
signing in the morning
that'll make him look more
presidential than ever.
I'm not a ne'er-do-well
pill-popper! Think about it!
[BIDEN] Was that white-haired
seventh grader right?
Does Quick-Draw Joe, the
fastest debater in the West,
need to learn to watch his words?
Sure I opposed bussing,
but it was the '70s!
We were all burning bras
and upholding segregation!
- [TAPE FAST-FORWARDING]
- A lady who doesn't like a hug
should wear a pin on her
boob that says "no fun".
So far, nothin' but net!
This debate's gonna be a
piece of crabapple rhubarb pie!
Hey, what's this?
- Tonight's debate was another burst pipe
- _
at the diarrhea factory
for the Biden campaign.
Earnest question... how can any
man capable of dressing himself
have such a porous verbal filter?
My guess... Biden was dressed
by someone else long ago
and now sleeps in his clothes.
A damning assessment, especially coming
- from Chuck Todd.
- What does that mean?
- [MAN] Has just changed more...
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Trump!
- When was the last time you...
- Trump!
- Hi! I'm MyPillow...
- Upcoming here...
- ... multiculturalism...
- Trump!
- Trump!
- It was a dramatic day...
- Trump!
- Reports...
- [SNORING]
- Trump!
- [GASPS] Huh? Oh.
- Trump! Trump!
- Trump! Trump, Trump!
- What the heck is that?
Trump!
[MAN] Shut that president
up, or I'm calling the cops!
[VEHICLE ALARMS BLARING, HORNS HONKING]
[MCCONNELL] I'm told the
President will be here soon
to sign an executive order mandating
an F-16-enforced 3 p.m. curfew.
He's just wrapping up a, uh, 5-K sprint.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- There he is!
Let's take a look at that gold medal.
Did you lose a president last night?
He's about yay-high
and answers to "Trump".
- Mitch! Mitch! Mitch! Mitch!
- He's mine.
[JILL] Why the long face, Joe?
I told you, not every
sweeping crime bill
withstands the test of time.
I just know I'm gonna biff this debate.
But this debate is the most
important fight of your life!
It could throw the whole race!
Then there goes my deeply personal
First Lady initiative
on literacy or whatever!
Why can't I be like Barack?
That guy can pause between
words without the next words
bumping into each other
and starting a fist fight!
You can watch your words.
Remember how you
learned to stop reciting
Cheech & Chong routines
around Julián Castro?
To get it out of my system,
you made me recite them
every morning in the shed!
Jill, will you help me
get in debatin' shape?
Sure, yeah.
I still teach college English full-time,
but I can try to shift stuff around.
Hot dog and yella' mustard!
I'm gonna learn to
debate without old ladies
saying "good heavens" and
passing out in their soup!
♪♪
I can spin anything
except for a police officer
finding you eating a diaper
behind the White House!
So you're flawed. Not
all of us can be me.
For the first time, I regret
aligning myself with you.
Mitch, you know where this is going.
I rile up the voters with some fun
call-and-response hate
speech, and by November 4th,
you and me are joined at
the stinky, gangrenous hip.
We're thinking of
replacing you on the ticket
with someone whose name
won't soon be illegal to print.
[GASPS] You wouldn't dare!
Besides, Antonio Sabàto Jr.
would never play in the Midwest!
No. [WHISTLING] Senator Romney.
What?! You know he gets off
on upholding the rule of law.
You need to learn to act like
a domesticated human
president immediately,
or you can say goodbye
to the White House.
- Hmmmmmmmm.
- And this pie.
[GASPS] Pie! I'll do the one with pie!
[MUNCHING]
♪♪
[CONWAY] Welcome to Operation Act Normal
For One Freaking Minute.
Because I'm the only person
who got you to stop
forehead-flicking Angela Merkel,
Mitch McConnell pulled
me out of retirement
to be your instructor.
I should be fine as long
as no one tempts me
to be a disgusting weirdo.
Hey, do youse guys know
why I would've woken up
in the middle of the night
and wrote this note?
Out! Out, out! No!
Donald, tell him to leave.
What?! You didn't tell her
Thursday's the day I come over
and we shove our faces
in bowls of beef stew
and itch our backs on the furniture?!
Sorry. It's been a busy one.
Go away, Rudy!
You're a bad influence on Donald.
Alright! Geez! I'll go!
Donald, I convinced my girlfriend
to implant a third breast.
I'll call you for your
credit-card info. Bye!
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Let's get to work.
[GIULIANI] Bunga pit!
A pit for sex! Of course!
[JILL] To win this debate,
you just need to learn
to think before you speak.
For practice, I've
arranged a mock debate
with the easiest possible opponent.
While I didn't "make" my
high-school debate team,
I did make my mom call
the school and complain.
Oh, no! I feel prickly words
pokin' at my voice box!
Just remember... think before you speak.
First question.
As president, how will you
lower the unemployment ra...
Let kids enter the workforce!
They can crawl around on the floor
shining our shoes during meetings!
Mix your dad a drink. Get paid in tips.
That's a new tax base!
Just don't grow up and
bellyache for free college.
You kids can pay your 280 bucks
a year like everyone else!
[SIGHS] Chuck?
I, on the other hand, conversely,
will create a website
where people can find jobs.
I'm just now realizing that
many such websites exist,
but mine will have a mascot
of a frog wearing glasses.
I did bad I think.
Perhaps the performer is less incapable
than his competitor is formidable.
Ohp. My shoes fell off.
[CONWAY] Okay. Let's practice
some dignified President crap.
Pretend you're in a
bilateral press conference
with the President of...
um... Smarty Pants Land.
Wow! I thought Smarty Pants Land
only existed in my sketchpad!
Mr. President, say
something presidential.
Americans' most important
issue is corruption in Ukraine,
which is why they must
investigate Joe Biden.
No. That's why the Democrats
impeached your ass, remember?
The only thing I remember is
when they had to use a spatula
to remove me from the steam room.
Ugh. He's so stupid.
I'm not convinced he's human.
Have you checked for blowholes?
Every day.
Eric, talk about trade or some shit.
It's time for your
closeup, old boy. I...
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP GROWLS]
- Aah!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I know
you have pie in your pocket!
[ERIC] Stop biting, and
I'll gladly scoop it out!
Oh, I know how to handle him.
[JILL] Honey, I can't fix what's
wrong with you in two days.
Guess I can forget my
ceaseless personal mission
to promote child literacy or team sports
or whatever the campaign
says plays best in 2024.
Hey, what'd you mean back
there when you kept saying,
"Think before you speak,
for Christ's sake,
the hell's the matter with you?"
Simple... before you speak,
take a second to think
about what to say,
using your inner voice.
My inner I hardly know who, now?
Of course! That's it!
You've never paused long enough
before blurting your blather
to hear your inner voice!
- Hold on!
- [TAPE RIPS]
As president, how will you address
the threat of climate change?
[MUFFLED SHOUTING]
I can't hear you, Joe!
So you might as well stop shouting
and listen to your thoughts!
[SHOUTING STOPS]
Ooh! [EXCITED MUMBLING]
What did you hear?
I was trying to propose
installing a giant ceiling fan
on the moon's ass, then I heard
a shouty guy in my head say,
"That's a fun idea but sounds pricey!"
Joe! That was your inner voice!
Holy crow! Where's my hammer?
I'm just gonna scare him!
No, Joe, your inner
voice is your friend,
and he's always there to help
you say appropriate things.
- You just have to listen.
- Wowee!
- I'm gonna name him Thinky!
- Sure, fine.
Now we just need to find a way
to keep your body occupied
so your mind is free to do its thing.
[CONWAY] Where do you
think you're going?
It's been a few days
since I've taken a piss
on John McCain's grave.
No! Bad President! Bad!
Jesus! Out of the way!
I really have to go potty!
Hey, hey, hey! President
want a diet pill?
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Sit. Sit.
No. Come on. Give it to me.
Sit or no elevated heart rate
or bone-dry sinuses for the President.
I mean it!
[GRUMBLES] Fine.
Trump!
Patience. Patience.
Now you can eat your
over-the-counter speed.
Oh, yeah! That oughta
suppress your appetite.
Good president. Yes, you are.
Oh, my God. Why are you so damp?
♪♪
[JILL] You're finally ready to practice
debating the self-proclaimed
master of the form.
Just do what I do
and be the most eloquent
orator of a generation.
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
Aw, geez! Did you hear that sentence?
He didn't say a single nickname
of a guy he once fought with a hubcap!
Your inner voice... sorry, "Thinky"...
will help you this time.
Just take a seat and distract your body
so you can focus your mind.
First question.
As president, how will you
address illegal immigration?
One thing I will not do...
is throw asylum-seeking
children... in cages.
Those kids... should be
caged with their mothers.
Joe, your response?
I...
will...
boost...
border... security...
My God. He's out-pausing Obama!
... but... call...
the... wall...
"compassionate... fencing".
You did it, Joe! Not
a blurt in the bunch!
The master has met his match.
If you need me, I'll be blowing
out the bolts on my Peloton.
♪♪
[PRESIDENT TRUMP BARKING]
Trump! Trump! Trump!
How long does crate training take?
The veterinarian and
presidential historian
agreed as little as one night.
Be a good president, and Mommy
will be there in the morning!
[WHIMPERING]
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Trump! Trump! Trump!
[BARKING] Trump! Trump,
Trump, Trump, Trump!
Trump! Trump!
Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump!
Trump! Trump! Trump!
♪♪
There's my baby.
Do you feel racist, sexist,
or criminally undisciplined?
No. I just have to go pee.
And where do we go pee-pee?
- In the bathtub.
- Good enough.
Oh, who's a good president?
I am!
[BIDEN] Gee, folks!
This is pleasant, huh?
My noggin ain't felt so clear
since the dentist gave me happy gas
and bolted in my
naturally perfect teeth!
Great! Now keep practicing so
you can hear your inner voice
without squeezing wet mud.
[THINKY] Hey, there, Joe!
¿Qué pasa, big papa?
[GASPS] Thinky! Is that you?!
Is TV worse now than back in the day?
Hey, close them eyes,
and let's hang out in your big ol' head!
[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]
♪ ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS ♪
[TWINKLING]
Pretty neat inside your
mind palace, huh, folks?
Really puts stuff in perspective.
It sure does, Thinky. I don't follow.
The troubles of life look pretty small
when you really think about 'em.
In a way, folks are just like
little ants crawlin' on a rock,
floatin' through space, folks!
Whoa. You're so smart, Thinky.
Sorry I tried to threaten
you with a hammer.
No prob, kemosob.
Just a drop in the bucket
of galactic time.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
Man, oh, man! Thinkin's fun!
I wonder if I can think of
a dog wearing a chef's hat.
Hey, who let you in the kitchen, doggy?!
[JAZZ TRUMPET PLAYS]
_
- I play the fife, you know.
- Shut up, Mitt.
Trump has gone from beast to beauty.
And John McCain's grave has
never stunk of piss less.
[SMOOTHLY] So, I was having
dinner with George Clooney,
Jerry Seinfeld, and Fran Lebowitz
the other night, and Fran says to me,
"Donald, how do you stay so
humane in such a crazy world?"
[TRUMPET PLAYING]
I polish off the crudités and reply,
"All anyone needs is
a roof over their head,
a song in their heart, and
a trumpet in their hands".
♪♪
[ALL] Ooh!
♪♪
Same time next week. This has been fun.
Wow! Looks like someone's
getting another four years
of begging his wife not to divorce him.
Hey, Kellyanne, what's that?
Mr. President, we talked about this.
The old Donald Trump
would pounce on that pie,
but the domesticated Donald
Trump would certainly not.
Of course. I'm a smooth, suave president
who goes pee-pee in the bathtub.
And nothing will ever change that.
Code red. There's still a
little piece of him in there.
In summary, the past, present,
and future exist simultaneously,
and thus the perceived flow of time
is a load of codswallop!
Same question again...
what's with the ponytail?
I'm a thinkin' man now,
ignoring pointless fiddle-faddle
like haircuts and levity.
Dr. Biden, you led the Vice
President's debate prep.
How did it go? I assume
like World Wars I and II
having sex in a Burger King?
Really well... I think.
Tune in tonight 'cause Joe
Biden's coming out swingin'!
Public debate is masturbatory!
Now that I think about
it, I shouldn't be runnin'
for President at all! I
should just sit in a meadow
and renounce my worldly possessions.
Will you excuse us?
Sure. Of course. It's just live TV.
You were supposed to
stop shouting 1920s slurs
for Italians, not turn into
Noam friggin' Chomsky!
Ain't it great? Everything's
so dang interesting
when you think about it.
Whoa! I just thought of lizards!
You can't show up at
the debate like this!
Don't you worry. I'm
skipping the debate.
Gonna go check out
that meadow off I-95.
You're gonna throw this election away...
and my First Lady initiative with it!
You're crippling the cause of literacy,
or team sports, or some crap!
When you think about it,
First Lady initiatives
aren't all that important.
[GASPS] I have no idea
what my initiative will be,
but it will be as important to me
as it is to the focus
group that selects it!
I'll be at my sister's,
feeling my eyes glaze over
a pile of personal essays
about my students' trips to Spain!
Are you okay, you mysterious genius?
Yeah, I'm just waterboarding
myself with my own saliva.
That's cool. Baby want a diet pill?
I need that pie! [GROWLS]
Trump! Trump!
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
- Tru-ooh! Ugh.
Just lock him in the laundry room.
He likes to hump the dryer.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP HOWLING]
[CHAIN RATTLING]
Trump! Trump!
[GROWLS] How long do
I have to stay here?!
Just till the general election.
After that, you can
do whatever you want.
Mmm! This is delicious!
Hey, Mitch, you ol' pal, while
Donald here is chained up,
what do you say we go have a spirited
fitted-sheet folding race?
Whoa! Mitch, I'm still
gonna be the nominee, right?
You wouldn't dare leave me for someone
who's never had a good chuckle
with the King of Saudi Arabia!
The presidency is too important.
[ROMNEY] Yeah!
[MCCONNELL] Mitt, get your
goddamn arm off my shoulder.
♪ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ♪
[BIDEN] Foooolks...
Fooooooooooooooooooolks...
Huh! Achieving total
nirvana kinda stinks!
Well, what do I do now?
Find another Bodhi tree to sit under?
I got ant bites up my
cracker jack as it is!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP HOWLING]
Aw, crud! A coyot'!
I'd run, but I can't see
diddly-zip with these specs.
Can't see without 'em neither!
Ah, Jill would know how to help.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] You can't
let it end this way, Donald.
Maybe if they were giving the nomination
to Diamond and/or Silk,
but not Mitt Romney!
[GROWLS]
[GROANS]
[PANTING]
Come on, Donald. They
can't chain you down.
You're an animal!
You have no complex thought!
No sense of humor!
You're not above throwing your
feces at a harmless onlooker!
Donald Trump laces his public speeches
with vulgarity...
bragged about his marital affairs.
At the same, he's called
George W. Bush a liar.
The bullying, the showing off,
the absurd third-grade theatrics.
He has neither the temperament
nor the judgment to be president.
A phony.
[GROWLING AND SNARLING]
I am not human!
- Trrrruuuuuummmpppp!
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
[THINKY] So when you think about it,
a single-payer healthcare system
is the only humane option.
Joe, you listenin'?
Oh, sorry. Zoned out.
Don't think I missed anything important.
Joe, I can tell when
something's on your mind.
I am your mind.
It's time we parted ways
so you can win that debate.
But I thought the debate didn't matter
in the grand scheme of things.
It matters if it matters
to folks that matter to you.
Your wife and millions
of concerned citizens
are counting on you...
not to be a smarty-pants thinkin' man,
but to be a blunt-force object
that can finally knock out Trump.
But what if I get excited
and blurt out a bunch of boner-bloops?
Your unfiltered emotion
is kinda the only thing
you got goin' for ya.
Besides, since when was Joe Biden
held accountable for his words?
Or his alleged actions!
[BIDEN SCREAMING]
[VASES SHATTERING]
- [DISHES SHATTERING]
- Ah, that stupid...
[SCREAMING, HAIR RIPS]
- ♪♪
- _
[ANNOUNCER] Welcome to the first debate
of the 2020 general election.
Good evening. I'm Chris Wallace,
the only Fox News host not
yet denounced by the NAACP.
Tonight, rumors are swirling
that Senator Mitt Romney
may replace the increasingly
unruly President Trump
as the Republican nominee.
If true, we could see a bigger meltdown
than when Sean Hannity's divorce lawyer
called with bad news
about the house in Aspen.
"I will restore the Republican party
to the dignity and
sensibility of the Bush years.
Together we will build a better
future for a handful of rich
70-year-olds named Charles. Thank yo..."
- [GROWLING]
- Aaaaaah!
[ROMNEY] One of my shirt-tails
is part-way untucked!
A reminder to the audience...
please remain quiet
and hold your reactions
until the very...
- [AUDIENCE SCREAMING]
- Truuuuuuuuuuuuump!
I gotta stop covering my bases
by praying to God and Satan.
[GROWLS]
Welcome, and good God, Mr. President.
First question. What
do you say to critics
who have called your response
to the global pandemic
"sluggish", "inadequate"...
And I'm sorry. I'm distracted
by what looks like venom
dripping from your teeth.
- Truuuuuuuuuuuuump!
- Oh, dear.
See you in hell, Roger Ailes.
[BIDEN] Hold it right
there, you loudmouth
piece of no-good scrap rubber blown in
from the ol' nonsense factory
in the Polish part of Crapville!
You're gonna march back to that lectern
so we can jaw-joust
like civilized fellas
with problematic blind spots, got it?!
[WHIMPERING]
Way to go, Quick-Draw Joe!
And no one's calling the
Anti-Defamation League!
[THINKY] Wowee, buckaroo!
That was some mighty
fine tongue-slingin'!
Gee, thanks, Thinky!
Oh, no! I'm listening to my thoughts!
I'm gonna go all namby-pamby again!
Trump! Trump! Truuuump!!
Don't panic, Joe. You thought
up a plan for this, remember?
Blunt-force object!
Beat it, inner voice!
Joe Biden don't need no thoughts!
I'll chase you all the way
down through my ass if I hafta!
- Trump! Trump!
- Get outta here, you...
I almost regret making
oodles of cash off these guys.
I feel shame juice seeping
into my ambition cortex.
What do we do, Mitch?!
I've got an idea.
[THINKY] Okay, geez. Thinky
doesn't want any trouble!
I'll hit the road, kemosob!
And never come back,
ya hear?! Thanks, buddy.
I'm really gonna miss ya. No, I ain't!
All you ever done was drag me down!
And enrich my life
beyond my wildest dreams.
[HAMMER CLATTERS]
- Ugh...
- Where's the pie, asshole?
- W-W-Wha... ?
- No way a domesticated dork
like Mitt Romney would ever deign
to eat a full slice
of pie in one sitting.
Where'd you stash it?
I'm... I'm gettin' s-sleepy...
Hurry up, or I'll loosen
the knot on your tie
and send photos to your
entire congregation!
[BOTH GROWLING AND SNARLING]
Fox News wants me to remind
voters that at least Trump
hasn't spent this debate
describing his genitals.
Quick... where are the diet pills?
He won't eat it! He just wants pie!
Put the diet pills in the pie.
That's why you're the
puppet-master, Mitch.
Over here, you mysterious genius!
[SLOW-MOTION GROWLING]
[CHOMP, MUNCHING]
Mmmmm!
Oh, yeah. [GRUMBLING] Uh-huh.
To answer your question, Chris,
my critics are all
Soros-funded operatives
who I will personally lock
in solitary confinement
in the secret jail
under the Smithsonian.
Huh. That series of grunts
appeared to be in the Queen's English.
Credit goes to President Trump
for not mentioning any ethnic
stereotypes in his response.
[CROWD CHEERING AND WHISTLING]
[COOPER] Last night,
Vice President Biden
proved that he doesn't need
to watch his words to beat Trump.
In fact, shouting a string
of deranged threats
might be the only tactic that
works on our beastly president.
It's good to have you
back, my lovable liability!
Thank god we no longer live in an age
of collegially behaved presidents!
Yeah, America might finally
be uncivilized enough
to elect Joe Biden!
Thanks for all your
back-breaking instruction
that I've completely thrown out.
My pleasure, honey.
Say, I've got eight hours
of Twelfth Night
PowerPoint presentations
to click through.
Wanna give me a hand?
Nah.
[MCCONNELL] Mr. President, I forgive you
for trying to eat Chris Wallace.
Actually, snap polls show your base
really responded to
the threat of violence.
Do I look like a guy who
doesn't know what he's doing?
Just keep taking your diet pills,
and I promise to keep my wagon hitched
to your filthy, squealing hog
truck through Election Day.
You're an unsympathetic subhuman beast,
and that's why you're
our top Republican.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[GIULIANI] Donald! Come
quick! I dug a bunga pit!
Wanna watch me hump my way out?
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Oh, can I, Mitch?
- Can I, can I, can I, can I?!
- [MCCONNELL] Oh... I suppose.
- [GIULIANI] Alright!
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Yay!
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump ♪
♪ He is our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did it ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Trump!