Not Going Out (2006–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Aussie - full transcript

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# We're not going out Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We are not going out

# We are not going out. #

Hello. How are things going at the shopping centre?

If there's two things I love, it's giving out leaflets and dressing like a knob.

Who'd have thought there was a way of combining both?

Well, I think you're doing brilliantly.

Don't start. I've heard them all.

That looks like an egg-citing job.



At least it's a feather in your cap.

Are you the one that crapped on my car?

I wouldn't mind, but the last one I wasn't wearing the costume.

Wasn't wearing the costume! That is so funny!

All right. What do you want? It's

just the tiniest of favours.

A friend of mine is going

to stay here for a couple of days.

Yeah, that's fine.

She can stay as long as she likes.

Yeah, I know she can.

It's my apartment. But thanks, anyway.

And thanks for letting me stay for so long. Anyway, I'll get to the point.

Please don't. I'll miss out the sarcastic remarks.



She's Australian and she's called Ruth.

Can I call her Struth? No.

The thing is, she's always been more successful than me, like better job, more money,

bigger house but no boyfriend and the one thing that I always had over her was my relationship with Tim.

Good job it didn't go tits up.

HE COUGHS

Bird flu!

That's the thing, I sort of, like, never mentioned that me and Tim split up.

When you say "sort of" never mentioned it.

Well, I never mentioned it.

Yeah, that is sort of like that, isn't it?

The fact is, I may have even exaggerated how well it's still going.

And I got to thinking, she's never actually met him.

So...

No chance.

She's not going to believe we're a couple. Yes, she will. Where am I going to sleep?

In my room. What are friends for?

On the floor. ..Please!

Be my boyfriend, just for 48 hours.

I'm desperate. Charming.

For me?

I'll think about it. Ah, thanks, Big Bird.

It might be kind of fun pretending we're a couple.

That thing you said about doing a doo-doo on the man's car.

That was a joke, right?

Course it was.

He didn't see it that way, though.

Do you want hear something weird, Tim?

You're not going to play We Will Rock You with your armpit again, are you?

Kate's got a friend coming to stay.

Weird. Ever thought of writing for the X-Files(?)

She's from Australia. Slow down.

This story's getting out of control.

But she hasn't seen her for a while.

Hello. Now there's a twist.

And she's doesn't want her to know you two have split up.

So she's asked me to pretend to be you for a couple of days.

Now that IS weird.

Yeah, see, smart-arse?

Why doesn't she want her to know we've split up?

Because she's been lying. If she changes the story now,

she'd lose face quicker than The A-Team in a maze.

Why did she lie in the first place?

She probably wants to pretend her life's great.

So Kate thinks "life being great" is being back with me?

Oh, herro, Mr Ego. You rike good massage?

I'm just saying, despite my little cock-up with Emma...

You can lose the word "with".

She might still be...

burning a candle for me.

You were burning candles for Emma - 16 of them on her birthday.

She was 23.

Anyway, it's going to be so obvious

you're not really a couple.

Why? Because Kate would never go out with a bloke like you.

She prefers the typically English,

well turned out, suave,

debonair type.

I mean, no disrespect.

Oh, none taken.

Maybe she's had enough of the typically-English, condescending, dresses-like-his-dad, big-nose type.

I mean, no disrespect.

You'll never get away with it.

We will. It's not like it's

the other way round. How do you mean?

You're reserved. I say the

first thing that comes into my head.

There's less to choose from.

Pretending to be you would be easy.

All right, then. I'm a girl, you're me. Chat me up.

See? That's caught you out, hasn't it?

You haven't got time to put your cravat on.

All right.

Good evening, Miss. "Good evening, Miss"?

Who are you chatting up - Penelope Keith?

All right. "Good evening, love."

Brilliant. Nice whippet.

On your own then, love?

Aye, me pal from clog factory's riddled with scurvy so she's gone back t'workhouse.

It's not the accent, it's the attitude. All right.

I, er, like your top.

Why don't you go the whole hog and say,

"If you're selling those puppies,

"I'll have the one with the pink nose"?

OK, then, Julio, how do you chat up women?

With charm, sophistication and subtlety.

And if that doesn't work...

PLAYS TUNE UNDER ARMPIT

# You've got mud on your face

# You big disgrace

# Kicking your can all over the place

# Singing... We will, we will rock you! #

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Why can't you just say he's been killed in a car crash?

Come on, Wee Willie Winkie, the plane lands in an hour.

This isn't how Wee Willie Winkie dressed. I didn't mean the pyjamas.

It's four in the morning. Why can't you go and pick her up on your own?

We're so consumed with the romance of our everlasting love, that we go everywhere together.

Remember? Can't you just say I was so consumed with your love that I had to have a lie down?

Get dressed.

Actually, before you go,

let's run through it one more time.

Oh, not again. What's your name?

Have a lot of one-night stands, do you?

Come on. What's your name?

My name is Timothy.

And what do you do for a living?

I'm a corporate accountant, who's responsible for...?

The system...the four "ations".

The formations of amalgamations and negotiations...

And who do you deal with?

Alsatians?

Delegations. That's it.

If you wanna be the best and you wanna beat the rest, delegation's what you need.

What?

I've got my own system. POSH: You have to come prepared.

You are not really going to do that posh voice, are you?

Kind of bloke you like, innit? The Hugh Grant type.

No, I don't. Yes, you do. Ooh, er, crikey, I, er...

Gosh, I'm so, erm, oh, erm...

If I washed it, would you touch it?

You must get a shock, you Americans,

when you turn up in England.

GEORDIE ACCENT: Aye, I'll buy you and your mate a Bacardi Breezer, but one of yous had better be up for a shag.

Look, just because you're pretending

to be Tim doesn't mean you have

to change your personality.

It is not completely beyond the realms of possibility

So just be who you are and be proud of it.

OK. OK. Let's start this again.

What do you do for a living? I give

out leaflets at a shopping centre.

No, you're a corporate accountant.

Be you, but be...

better.

That's so sweet.

And don't forget what I said, if she

asks you anything you can't answer,

be vague.

Don't just stand there, let's get to it. Strike a pose, there's nothing to it.

Vague.

System.

Hi, Ruth, sorry I'm late, Tim was killed in a car crash.

It was a dreadful journey, it was like a nightmare on Flight Street.

I can't believe they downgraded me to business class.

There was only this one tiny little curtain between me

and the people with chickens and pigs on their laps.

Oh, my God,

how embarrassing!

Oh, boy, he's such an animal.

I'll just put this away.

Oh, thanks, darling.

Oh, no, thank you for not

asking for a piggyback as well.

Should I unpack or are you letting the Seven Dwarfs sleep?

Looks like you've got yourself a big hunk of spunky beefcake there, Kate.

Yeah, he's my big, strong power pumperlump.

And there's me thinking accountants

were such geeky little wimps.

Not Tim. All that voluntary environmental work he does really keeps him in shape.

You ought to see his six pack. Yeah, buy six, get one free.

Cheeky!

So, where's this flatmate of yours?

Oh, yeah. Where is he?

He was killed in a car crash.

No, he wasn't. No.

He wasn't killed in a car crash.

Lee moved out. It was Tim's idea.

Oh, stop it, Kate. You're making me sound such a silly twat.

That's such a shame.

I was hoping some sweet English gent would take me to Claridges for Bellinis

and then home for a sip of Pinio Grigio.

You haven't met Lee, have you? You can mock, but I reckon you miss him.

Do I? Yeah, I saw that look when he

walked round in those tight undies.

Oh, yeah. The famous budgie smugglers.

Well, better get to work, my cheeky little sex pest.

Good on you, mate. I can't bear my staff being late.

Oh, Tim's not staff. He's the boss.

He's got a whole team underneath him. Oh, I had no idea.

What exactly do you do?

I'm responsible for...

..the four "ations".

What? I'm responsible for four Asians.

Sanjeev. Farik.

Mr Patel. And his wife.

But what exactly do you do?

Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, dance on air.

No, Sanjeev, Farik,

Mr Patel. Vogue. Vogue. Vogue.

Come on, you guys.

Well, it's hard to explain in layman's terms,

but if you had a wheelbarrow full of money and the wheel kept falling off, you'd have two choices.

You could empty the wheelbarrow and

lose the money, or you could put more

money in and tighten up the nut.

Well, I'm a spanner.

Is he going to work dressed like that?

Oh, no, he changes when he's there.

You should see him in his suit.

When he walks in that room, you know he's the boss.

Mobile Superstore. Don't get

trapped by the big network gorillas.

No hidden costs.

No long-term contracts.

No point saying any of this.

No-one's listening.

I could be saying anything.

Mr Bojangles Fruity Loop Lumpy Gussets. Oi, loser.

Can I buy that monkey off you?

It's not for sale.

I was talking to the gorilla.

Don't get too close,

he stinks and he's riddled with nits.

He's not real.

I was talking to the gorilla.

He's not a real gorilla. There's no-one there. They're your legs.

Sod off before your ankle-tag goes off.

Well, whose legs are they, you pillock?

Your mum's. She's having a day off from entertaining dockers in exchange for old tins of cat food.

Act your age, you toss-pot. No, you act your age.

No, you. No, you. No you. No bring-backs. No returns. They're your legs. No, they're not.

So what's it like being me? Oh, it's got a few drawbacks,

but nothing that a plastic sheet on the bed can't sort out.

How's it going with you and Kate?

Is the magic still there?

It's fine. It's probably a novelty going out with someone who's half gorilla.

I shouldn't say that, she shaves her legs occasionally.

So, er...

Do you kiss? Maybe, if you tell me your name first.

Come on. You and Kate, do you kiss?

Of course we don't.

Do you hold hands? No. Do you show

any outward affection?

We're supposed to be in a long-term relationship, course we don't.

Get off!

Just proving a point.

Well, I'm glad you didn't say I don't like sex.

Stop it!

You're such a... northerner. No, I'm not.

Get off, you poof!

Oh, yeah, and where's she exactly?

She's greasing herself up ready to do a threesome with me and your sister.

Where do you think she is? She's in the bed.

The green-eyed monster's raising his head!

How about the one-eyed monster?

Why did you say that? You don't normally say stuff like that.

You do. That's clearly what Kate likes.

Tim. The whole thing's a sham. Yeah. Sham 69.

What are you doing? I'm just saying

the first thing that comes

into my head.

I'm tired of being a middle-class ponce.

Sorry, Woody, you're sleeping with Lee tonight.

Don't look at me like that. You've seen Brokeback Mountain.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hang on, Ruth!

Come in.

You don't need to knock. We're together.

Act like it's your bedroom.

Not on the floor.

Very sexy.

Are you looking for Gromit?

I like being your boyfriend, it's really boosting my confidence.

Ruth might come barging in and see me sleeping down here.

I know I'm a love god, but we're pushing it saying I can reach from there.

I could just say we've had a fight.

What? Mrs Puddleduck and his Nookie Noodle?

What's happened? Did he cheat at pooh sticks or has he dropped the cream buns in Bubblegum Lane?

Is Ruth the sort of person who's just going to come barging in to somebody's bedroom without knocking?

Get in.

Go on.

Are we expecting others?

If Tim could see me now.

First I'm in his job.

Them I'm in his bed.

Next, I'll be...

You might be more comfortable if you took off your dressing gown and slippers. Phwoar!

Welcome to the Thora Hird Sex Line.

Time out, lovebirds!

What have I told you? If you eat

all the cake, use your hands!

Kate, you've got to try our new rejuvenating face cream.

One of our top exports.

A couple of weeks of that, you'll be looking 36 again.

Wow. Now I know what to ask the grandchildren to get me for Christmas.

I've got something for you too, Mr Lover Man.

Although, it's really more for Kate

than for you.

Oh, a back-waxer. I think you know what it is, Colonel Love Rocket.

I really don't, Sergeant Strange Knickers.

It's from our new range of "Pleasure Oils".

Kate tells me what you get up to, you bloody stallion.

Tell you what, think of me next time you're dropping anchor.

I will. It'll make it last longer.

I reckon that'll be perfect for your anniversary.

What anniversary?

What anniversary!

THE anniversary.

D-Day?

The day we got together.

Oh, yes, all those years ago.

How many years has it been now, Tim?

F-f-f... Seven. Feven years.

Crikey, seven years, that's a long while, you little terrier.

Well, go on, I think she deserves to be thanked properly. Go on.

Cheers.

Right, well I've got

a little bit more Ruth maintenance

to take care of.

My Brazilian's starting to look like a Mexican on a bad-hair day. Good night, kids. Good night.

DOOR SHUTS

Well, thanks a bunch. What?

When she's around, can't you just pretend to be a little bit more romantic?

I can't just turn it on like a tap.

Force it. All right, I can't just turn it on like a faucet!

I'm not joking. I need you to show a little bit more affection towards me when she's around.

Why can't you just be a little bit more...like Tim?

Oh, I was wondering how long that'd take.

Why you can't be a bit more like... Jennifer Aniston?

I'm starting to think this relationship thing isn't going to work. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I'm sleeping on the floor. Fine. Suits me.

Yee-hah, cowboy!

And keep your hands off Woody.

Do you know what? I envy you.

Do you?

I know you're going to say, "You crazy bitch!"

but, in some ways, you're actually doing better than I am.

You crazy bitch.

Your life's so uncomplicated.

Your job's simple, your lifestyle's

simple, your boyfriend's...

nice.

Yeah, he is, isn't he?

It's like we're an entity.

There's no Tim. There's no Kate.

Good job you're not called Colin and Bunty!

How are you? Er, in love. That's great.

I'm glad that you're over Tim.

I heard he went off with whatshername - Emma? Scumbag.

Anyway, better crack on.

Speak to you later. Bye, Julie.

Who was that? Julie.

All right, I haven't been completely truthful with you.

Tim and I split up.

He moved out. He left me for another woman.

What?

But the affair didn't last long.

And I forgave him.

And we moved on.

And I'm completely over it.

To be honest, I don't think about the stupid little slut any more.

Geez, doll, how could you have forgiven him?

If he'd done that to me, he'd have been looking on eBay for a new set of baby-makers.

He's learned his lesson. He's a changed man.

Honestly, life's great.

His career's going from strength to strength.

He's the new head of acquisitions.

He's responsible for all sorts of international deals.

They talk about making him a director.

They say if he keeps going like this, he could be Chief Executive within ten years.

His salary's well into the six-figure bracket,

and they're talking about big bonuses at the end of the year.

And he's great with kids.

Hello.

You know you've dropped the harmonica, don't you?

What?

Hello, my little Eskimo.

Had a lovely day?

Just the usual, whaling, seal-clubbing.

Sticking your rod in holes, catching things?

I told Ruth everything.

What? That I'm not really... No! You're not really what?

A man.

Oh, don't listen to him, he's always doing that.

Any excuse to do Gina Man. What's Gina Man?

I put me tackle between me legs, and pretend I'm a woman.

You can't buy class.

That's nothing, I knew a woman

once who could do the opposite.

She used to get... She doesn't want to know.

I told her about your affair.

And how I took you back.

Oh, right.

Sorry about that.

Still, you got a nice bunch of flowers out of it!

Come on, sit down.

I have to say, I was shocked when Kate told me what you did.

If there's one thing I know Kate holds dear, it's honesty.

But it's clear that you two are destined to be together.

I just wish I could find my perfect mate.

Oh, come on. You never know when Mr Right's just going to come walking through the door.

Hey-up. How you all fettlin'?

Are we having a celebration?

Ruth, this is...

Lee. Yes. Lee.

Something tells me we're going to need another glass.

If you're selling those puppies, I'll have the one with the big knockers.

So, Lee, tell me a little bit about you.

Well, I'm a real high flier.

Really? I say to people, "Hi, do you want a flier?" Oh, you are a tease.

Aaahhhh! Don't touch me!

I hate being touched! Get off, you poof!

You're such a character.

Prince Charming, are you like this at home with your girlfriend?

Oh, Prince Charming doesn't have a girlfriend.

He did have, once upon a time and she was sweet and lovely and a princess.

But he didn't realise how lucky he was, so he left her for another one.

And she was horrible and nasty and barely legal.

But she got bored with the Prince and ran away and everybody else lived happily ever after.

Well, I prefer the one about the Prince And The Pauper.

The Pauper has to pretend to be the Prince.

The Prince thinks that the Pauper is trying to stick it in the Princess.

The Princess isn't helping, by using the Pauper to have a go at the silly old Prince.

And it's starting to do the Pauper's swede in.

No wonder the Aussies are thinking of getting rid of the Royal Family.

Do I detect a bit of tension?

Are you guys annoyed at not being on your own for your anniversary? What anniversary?

Seven years to the day since Kate and Tim met.

Oh, yeah. I know. Isn't that gorgeous?

I knew, from the first night I saw them in bed together. Bed?

She made me do it.

I thought to myself here is a couple

who were made for each other.

And do you know what, and I bet you're going to laugh at this. All right, £50.

But from what Kate's said in her emails, I thought it was actually you that she fancied

cos it's all, "Lee this, Lee that and Lee the other." Isn't that ridiculous?

Can you imagine you two together?

Right, I've had enough of this. I can't keep this up.

I'm not Lee. I'm Tim.

And it's not these two who should be celebrating their anniversary. It's me and Kate.

We were the couple until I messed it up

and made the biggest mistake of my life.

What are you on about, Lee?

I'm not Lee.

Tim?

I'm not Tim.

How could you lie to me like that, Kate?

I'm not Kate.

Do you want Lee to take you to the airport?

Why? Does he impersonate taxi drivers as well as accountants?

I've said I was sorry. It was so stupid. I'm completely joking.

Now that I've met Tim, I think you're better off without him.

He's such a mummy's boy.

Your bags are in the taxi.

All of them, Happy, Grumpy, Prada, Gucci.

Bye, cheeky.

Yeah, something in the small print about not being able to throw kids in canals.

So, what did you think of, er...?

Did you think we made a nice couple?

Yeah.

Well, I'm sad it's over. I'm really going to miss these romantic chats.

What did you think about being my...?

It was all right. I mean, you're not great in the bedroom,

but at least I've got Woody.

RECORDED MESSAGE: 'Oh, er, crikey. If I washed it would you touch it?'

# We are not going out. #