New Girl (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 1 - Big Mama P - full transcript

Last spring, I knelt, as I do now,

and altered both of our lives forever.

And ever since then,

I'm sure you've been wondering when
I was gonna make this part official.

Nicholas Miller,

will you do me the honor
of being my best man?

(groans) Oh, hey.

I'm glad you're up. I've got
something important to ask you.

- I'm ready.
- Would you...

Hold on a second. I need coffee.

Here's one.



Aw.

Thanks.

Mmm.

Mmm.

This just all feels
so sudden that, uh...

- I don't know what to say.
- Just say yes.

Well, I want to say yes.

I really do.

But I'm sorry.

I'm just not there.

I think that you are there.

But I think it scares
the hell out of you.

I wish that were the case. I just...

In my heart, I don't
know if I'm your best man.



Nick... I need you to get there.

(sighs) Do you want
to be my maid of honor?

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes! (laughs)

Blindsided?! How the heck
you gonna feel blindsided?!

We've been best friends
ever since college!

(snickers)

Are you snickering?

Za-zam! (laughs)

(laughs) Was it worth it?

Oh, it was worth it.
Would've paid double.

(laughs)

All right, get up.

You stupid bastard.

Come here. Of course
I'll be your best man!

All right!

These rings are the first

of a dozen accessories that are
gonna unify the bridal party.

As you can see from my
preliminary vision board,

our wedding will borrow equally
from the holy trinity of Liz Taylor,

Jackie O and The Power Gays.

- Oh, I'm scared.
- You should be.

Guys, look at us.

A year ago, we were spinning around
like cows in the movie Twister.

Now look at us. You guys are engaged.

You're a minority owner of the bar.

I'm the maid of honor
who's made of honor.

That joke works better on paper.

- Yeah, probably.
- And this guy...

is the cop who freaking
saved a freaking kid's life.

Help!

- I'm stuck!
- Hey!

(grunting)

Help!

(shouts)

(panting)

Thanks, Officer.

- Call an ambulance.
- I feel fine.

For me!

(chuckles) You know, Channel 4
is calling me the Carport Hero.

I just... I just really hope it sticks.

It's not a big deal.

This is... our year.

The Chinese zodiac says
it's the Year of the Monkey.

I say it's the Year of...

♪ Us... ♪

(grunts) ♪ It's the Year... ♪

♪ Of Us... ♪

♪ It's the Year ♪

♪ Of Us... ♪

♪ Us... ♪

SCHMIDT: Thanks so much
for your help, Jess.

(chuckles)

Cece has zero idea that you're flying her
mother in for the engagement party tonight.

She is... she is alarmingly in the dark.

Maybe it's a cultural thing.

You know, we saw the British
coming. India did not.

Are you nervous to meet Cece's mom?

No. Cece said her mom is really excited

that her sexy little bronco has
finally met a cowboy that can tame her.

Paraphrasing. And I'm really excited
to meet the woman that Cece came out of.

Not paraphrasing.

I like your confidence.

Meeting Big Mama P is huge.

Her approval means everything to Cece.

Mom,

this is my new friend, Jess.

20-minute playdate.

(both squealing)

Secretly, she's a romantic,

'cause she used to be a Bollywood dancer

and Mr. P's parents
forbid them from marrying.

Hot. Continue.

When they saw her perform, they were
so moved, they gave their blessing.

Dance can be so powerful sometimes.

Ugh, don't I know it.

That's why I booked L.A.'s
premier Bollywood dance troupe,

- MaHotMoves Gandhi.
- MaHotMoves Gandhi.

She's gonna love you. I gotcha.

Okay. I'm gonna go
check on the best man.

I'm sure he's handling
whatever task you gave him

just fine.

(both laugh)

He's so bad at everything!

Look, he's just one of
those rare heterosexual men

who does not have a knack
for wedding planning.

I'll never understand men like that.

I can't pick up Cece's
mom from the airport!

It's too much pressure.

You said I only had to do
the easy best man stuff.

You're picking someone up
from the airport in a car.

Not outer space in a
canoe. It is easy, Nick.

- Then why don't you do it?
- I can't pick her up.

Tonight is one of the most
important nights of my hair's life,

and I need a shampoo.

Not a cut. They'll try and
cut it, but I won't let them.

Getting a day-of cut would be insane.

Unless, of course,
Julian's working. (sighs)

Julian won't be working though.

You keep fireworks in your car?

What are you, a little Chinese boy?

Hey, you guys! Just saying hey!

- ♪ He's your carport hero, baby ♪
- ♪ Carport hero, baby ♪

- ♪ He can take away your pain ♪
- ♪ Stand by you forever ♪

♪ He can take ♪

♪ Your breath away. ♪

Stop treating me like this, okay?
I'm no different from anyone else.

(horn honks) Officer Bishop,

it is an honor to live
in your building, sir.

(horn honks fanfare)

That's Glen, too, man.
Glen hates everybody.

Glen flips off kids.

WINSTON: Guys, look, quit it, okay?

Ever since I became the Carport Hero,

you're treating me like
I'm special, and I'm not.

It's me. Winnie the Bish!
The Bish with the wish!

And my wish is to have fun!

Which is exactly why I'm not gonna
confiscate the fireworks behind your back.

Yeah, you got me, Officer Bishop.

You can have it.

I also want you to have this Jesus wig.

- You know, wigs aren't illegal.
- I know.

But I think it would
look awesome on you.

- So do I.
- Put it on.

Fine.

- Whoa. Whoa!
- Whoa. Whoa!

- Beautiful!
- Winston, you look so handsome.

- Oh, my God.
- It looks even better than I thought.

MAN (over P.A.): Flight 262 from Mumbai,

your luggage is now
arriving at baggage claim 2.

(upbeat Indian music playing)

(music ends)

Yes! Yes!

- Take five.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey, hey.

So, I just got a voice mail from my
mom, 'cause she is at the airport.

Did you... did you fly
her in for the party?

Yes.

Yeah, I did. It was supposed
to be a surprise, but...

Are you so happy? Oh,
excuse me. (phone rings)

- Oh, it's just... um...
- Hey, Nick.

NICK: Hey, Jess.

Guess who did it. Me.

I got Cece's mom. I was even on time.

Oh, she's there. Put her on.

Really? You can speak with her? How?

What are you talking about?

No, Jess, I-I need to talk to you now.

Um, okay. I got to go.

Jess says hi!

Do you prefer the
windows down or the AC?

Wow, you look just like Cece!

(speaking Hindi)

Yeah.

It's amazing, yeah. I own it myself.

MAN (over P.A.): White zone
is for the immediate loading

and unloading of passengers only.

(groaning)

What is going on?

Whatever it is, it can't be that bad.

Jess, I haven't told my mom
that I'm getting married.

Okay.

Okay.

It's gonna be fine, 'cause...

I'm your maid of honor,

and I will be there with you tonight

every step of the way.

♪ 'Cause this is
the Year of, of... ♪

Oh!

Oh, my God!

(screaming, grunting) Oh, Jess! Oh! Oh!

(gasps)

(grunting continues)

I'm fine.

Don't worry about me. The doctor
said I'll be good as new in no time.

I know I don't look like somebody

who should be questioning
somebody else's judgment, but...

maybe you should have told your
mom you were getting married.

I know. I'm just so worried that
she is not gonna like Schmidt.

And then she won't
give us her blessing...

which would kill me.

Oh, she'll love him when she meets him.

Schmidt is not exactly what
my mom had imagined for me.

You know, she wanted
someone maybe not so...

white?

(laughs): Oh, he is so white.

Remember when the power went out,

and we put him in the window
to keep the planes away?

What is Schmidt gonna
think when he finds out?

We are gonna get her blessing,
or I'm not your maid of H.

Those stairs may have broken my body,

but they did not break my spirit.

And with that, I rise.

Honey, you're not... You just
need to... Yeah, relax. Okay.

You definitely can't go to this party.

(sighs) I got to go and tell him.

I got to go tell him
before she gets there.

I'll call Nick, and
I'll have him stall her.

Okay.

I don't think I can. You have no idea how
anxious this woman is to get to the party.

No, no, no, I told you,
we're not there yet.

You got to stay plugged in.

You're such a pill.

Well, just take her to the
mall, get her some soft serve.

Be sure to save your receipts. I'll
reimburse you from the party fund.

Got to go.

Mrs. Parikh, can you keep a secret?

I'm going to kill this
soft serve nonsense.

(whimpers) You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna play laser tag! (screaming)

(shouting in Hindi) What are you doing?!

We're gonna play laser tag!

It's a fun American
game! It's a fun game!

BOTH: Groomsmen! Yeah. (whoops)

Mmm.

Ah. Love each and every
one of you sons of bitches.

Now, who are you? I'm
Groomsman Number Two.

(chuckles) Big Schmidt,
Schmidt's cousin.

I'm Robby, Groomsman Number Four.

I am the ex-boyfriend of the bride,

and a weirdly close friend of the groom.

I'm Number Five, J.
Cronkite Valley-Forge.

CFO of Associated Strategies, LLC.

I'm 62 years of age,
was recently widowed,

and I believe earnestly

that if we can all work
together this wedding season,

we will get more boom-boom
than a TNT factory.

Yeah! (men laughing)

Thank you for your time.
Thank you for your time.

I have a brief statement from G3,
who could not make it here tonight.

It says, "Dear Jess, I can't
fly in for every damn party.

"I will see you at...
(imitates Coach): the wedding."

If you know Coach,
that's exactly how he...

- "Wedding."
- Yeah, yeah.

And then he always goes, "Coach."

(laughs)

Now, me, myself, I am Winston Bishop.

Officer Winston Bishop?

The Winston Bishop? The Carport Hero?

I knew it was you. I saw you on TV, man.

Officer, you make me
want to be a better man.

I'm gonna stop, uh, peeing
in my ex-wife's mailbox.

WINSTON: No, seriously,
everybody, calm down.

Act normal around me.

I'm a fun guy. I do pranks.

Uh, Cece's last wedding?
The badger that fell down

and almost killed a bunch
of people... that was me!

(chuckles)

I'm Prank Sinatra, baby!

Old Brown Eyes.

Ain't no prank like a badger prank,

because a badger prank got badgers,

and it's dangerous as hell!

Ms. Parikh.

Who are you?

Oh. My goodness. Of course.

I must be completely
unrecognizable to you

from the countless
photos you must have seen.

In honor of your visit, I stood

the humble recipient of
a professional shampoo.

So you're the man who's
marrying my daughter?

Sure am.

No wonder she didn't tell
me that she was engaged.

Oh.

Oh, no, then.

I'm assuming she was
afraid I would disapprove.

- But now that you've met me...
- I disapprove.

Strong disapprove.

Let's take a moment to applaud
your daughter's instincts.

No, no, no. Look, Schmidt. Mom.

I'm sorry. I can explain everything.

Presenting...

Cece's mom! (Schmidt groans)

- Except for that.
- I'm her mom.

- You're her mom?
- That's my mom.

- Then who are you?!
- Not her mom.

That's her mom!

A dumb little boy you are!

(phone ringing)

Yeah. Hello.

So, does Cece's mom
love Schmidt, or what?

Which Cece's mom? The real one
or the one I may have kidnapped?

Th-The real one?

(elevator bell dings)

GLEN: Anything for Officer Bishop!

The Carport Hero!

Thanks, Glen. Sorry to army
crawl into your home like that.

We come from a country
of 400 million men.

Let's say half of them are no good.

Another half, very ugly.

That's still 100 million eligible men.

Sure, ten percent are gay.

Puts us at 90 million men.

Ms. Parikh, I love Cece.

Cut it in half again just for fun.

45 million men.

- Cece, when were you gonna tell her?
- I'm sorry.

On our wedding day when we were standing
beneath our custom hybrid mandap-chuppah?

(crying): I'm so sorry. I just...
I wanted the moment to be right.

I'm sorry.

(tires screech)

We meet again.

(shouting): Hello! Is anyone here?!

(horn honks fanfare)

Jess?

Winston! Oh, thank God!

I need your help.

Hey, Jess, let me ask you something.

Uh, I'm a fun guy, right? I
mean, I have a way about me.

Winston, look at me, look around.

Does your thing seem important now?

You're the Carport Hero.
Now I need your help.

No more Carport Hero!

Tonight, I'm Prank Sinatra.

No. No! You didn't play a prank...

You are the worst
prankster in the world!

Every prank you do turns
out either too big...

What is it?

Did you register me as a
sex offender? (snickers)

or too small.

How'd this blueberry get in here?

(mumbles): I don't...

(laughs)

(whoops)

You should have saw your face!

He did not see that coming.

Just like no one's gonna
see what's coming tonight.

Nothing should be coming tonight.

I'm sorry, Jess.

The fuse has already been lit.

The lion has spotted the gazelle.

The doo-doo is already
mid-flight to the fan.

The silly hounds have been released.

I repeat: the silly
hounds have been released.

What did you d... You
know what, never mind.

Just take me to Cece
and Schmidt, please.

I did a prank. I did a... Oh.

(Winston grunting)

(grunting continues)

I hope the scooter fits in the elevator.

There's an elevator?

(speaking Hindi)

I'm trying to find out
where to return you.

(speaking Hindi)

You have pepper spray?

Why didn't you use that on me?

(speaking Hindi angrily)

All right, I'll talk to you later.

Well, Cece's mom hates me.

Like Jay Z, I have 99 problems.

But unlike Jay Z, I have zero caveats.

I know, and I'm sorry.

Okay? I'm sorry I
screwed up my easy job.

(speaking Hindi angrily)

And stop being so mean to me,

or I swear to God I'm
gonna fall in love with you!

(speaking Hindi angrily)

Where you going? Come back.

(sighs)

Let me make it up to you.

I know that I said I
wanted the easy job.

But screw that.

I'm the best man, Schmidty.

I want the hard jobs.

I can handle it.

So what do we got? What do we need?

We're past hard at this point.

We're well into impossible.

It's an unfixable situa...
(horn honks fanfare)

Schmidt, I did not just drive
15 miles on a gout throne

to watch you give up.

Especially not...

♪ In the Year... of Us. ♪

Look at yourself.

Look around us.

- Maybe this isn't our year.
- I have a plan.

And whatever it is, I'm
in. I got this guy's back.

Don't think we actually need...

- I know, but I'm in, is what I'm saying.
- That... I mean...

♪ Whatever it is, I want in. ♪

- Okay, whatever.
- I want in.

- Schmidt, how important is this to you?
- Have I made that clear?

- That I want to be, like, a third.
- You can be in. You're in.

- You're in.
- Thanks.

That's all I wanted her to say.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes?

Of course.

I also didn't love the tone that, like,
"I'm in, but who cares that I'm in?"

JESS (over speakers):
Ladies and gentlemen,

could I have your attention please?

Hello.

I'm Jessica Day.

I'm the maid of honor, but
when I fell down the stairs,

I wished I was made of rubber.

(laughs)

(man coughing quietly)

Uh...

This one goes out to the
secret romantic in the audience.

Just a little reminder that love...

(chuckles) conquers all.

And without further
ado, MaHotMoves Gandhi.

Follow me, follow me.

Follow me!

(upbeat Indian music playing)

(upbeat Indian music continues)

Think they're all really friends?

You know, I mean, when
the dancing day is done?

(crowd cheering)

(upbeat Indian music continues)

(crowd laughing, cheering)

(upbeat Indian music continues)

(music ends, crowd cheering)

(whoops)

(Jess laughs)

Hey.

That was great.

Fantastic.

Wonderful.

JESS: Where'd she go?

JESS: Mrs. Parikh? Please, wait.

Stop. Look. (sighs)

It was my idea.

I thought we could sway
you with the power of dance.

You really think a
dance is all it takes?

CECE: Mom, I know that Schmidt
is not what you imagined.

Or what I imagined.

I never thought I would fall for
the slim-hipped ghost of Tom Cruise.

None of us did.

Quiet, Chair.

But I love him.

He makes me so happy,
and I'm gonna marry him.

I will not give my blessing.

Cece, Schmidt...

(groaning): Oh, God.

Crunch. Ah...

Shoot me.

(sighs)

You have my blessing.

You have my blessing, too.

Mine, too.

Oh, come on, Not-Cece's mom.

That would've been awesome.

It was a natural three.

You got to finish.

We'll get her on board.

I promise.

Oh, she's gonna get hers.

No, no, Winston, no.

What did you do? No pranks.

Such bad timing.

Hey, Mrs. Parikh.

Check your shoe.

(Winston snickers)

Tickle foot! (laughs)

I put a feather in your shoe!

(laughing)

Too small, dude.

Way too small.

I've revised my vision.

Honey, without my mom's help,

I don't think we can afford
to parachute the rabbi in.

Well, that's why I've pared it
down to only the things that matter.

That's great.

We can throw a wedding on a budget.

This is our year.

We can do anything.

Now, who's gonna take me to the john?

- Not it!
- Really?

- You're the only girl here.
- I can't. It hurts my back.

Who keeps giving her juice?

You're in a senility
scooter; use a diaper!

♪ And it took a long time ♪

♪ To find you ♪

♪ But I finally found you. ♪

(laughs quietly)

That's a good tickle.

(laughs): Oh.

Easy, Winnie.