Nathan for You (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Nathan for You - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Corrected & Synced by Bakugan

My name is Nathan Fielder.

And I graduated from one of
Canada's top business schools

with really good grades.

Now I'm using my knowledge
to help struggling

small business owners make it
in this competitive world.

This is "Nathan For You."

If you're handing over
your computer to a stranger,

there's nothing you care more
about than your privacy.

So for computer repair shops
like Los Angeles based Cyberguy,

earning customers' trust
is a huge struggle.

We are saying that we're not
gonna look at the files

and folders or private files,

but they don't trust.

The reason is that most of us

have things on our computer
that we don't want seen.

As someone with a recurring
medical issue,

I keep photos on my laptop

that are meant only
for my doctor's eyes.

And when my computer breaks down,

I can never be certain
that a repair technician

won't be tempted to snoop.

But fortunately for Cyberguy
owner Herman Akbiyik,

I had a solution.

Your biggest problem is,
no matter how much

you tell your customers
you're not gonna look

at their nude or sexy pics,

they'll always be skeptical.

Because you're a sexual being, right?

Okay, so whatever desire I have,

it's not gonna be
affecting my business.

What do you mean?

Okay, if you don't eat food,
you're hungry always, okay?


If you eat food, you're gonna be full.

You don't feel anymore your hunger.


So if you don't pleasure
yourself at home,

maybe you're gonna
feel it at the office

or while walking on the street

you can feel those desires, in a way.

So you're saying you pleasure
yourself so much at home

that it doesn't affect you at work.


Despite Herman's claim that

he gets everything out of his system

before arriving at work each morning,

his customers will never
completely trust him,

because he's a sexual being.

But if Herman recruited
repair technicians

from the 1% of Americans
who identify as asexual,

meaning they have no
sexual desires whatsoever,

customers could finally feel confident

about getting their computers repaired

without the staff being tempted

to look at their private photos.

The plan: Put customers at ease

by offering the world's first
asexual computer repair.

I see.

When they see any image... nude image,

so they're not gonna be desired
or affecting.

In theory, yes.

In theory. I see.

Neither Herman nor I
knew much about asexuality,

but he was willing to give it a shot.

So I went to the internet's
most popular asexuality forum

and posted a job notification

to see if anyone would fit the criteria

that Herman would need.

And later that week,
I set up interviews

with everyone who responded.

You know, just the lack of
feeling a sexual attraction

and need for sex is all that
asexuality truly is.

And there's a spectrum to it too.

So if you're not thinking about sex,

what are you thinking about?

It always depends.

I mean, I suppose most of the time

I'm actually thinking
about superheroes.

Uh, my favorite of which being Aquaman,

hence the orange shirt.

So when most people
are thinking of sex,

you're thinking of Aquaman?

Well, that's a funny way
of putting it, but I suppose so.

After learning more about the
asexual lifestyle,

I was feeling optimistic
that this could work.

So right now, sitting across from me,

you feel no sexual attraction.

No. You're another person to me.


I was born an asexual,

and I assume that I shall

still be an asexual
upon leaving this world.

So after a rigorous vetting process,

using a heart rate monitor
to judge their physical response

to a series of stimulating images

I found in a stock photo database...

Do you find this
sexually arousing or...


- No.
- No.

I offered the job to the two

who showed no spike in heart rate,

no matter how stimulating
the image was.

So the next day,
I brought the new recruits

to Cyberguy to introduce them
to Herman.

So this is Nicki and Randy.

- And they're asexual.
- Okay.

Which means they don't have a desire

to look at any customers'
private nudes or sexy photos or,

you know, they just
don't have those urges.

And also a sense of privacy.

- I mean...
- Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, because...

Privacy's important to everybody.

Of asexuality.

Right, but someone like Herman
might be tempted.

Yeah, possibility.

Right, yeah, but you wouldn't
be tempted ever.

- No, no, no.
- Right.

So that's why.

Their lack of arousal was perfect,

but they still weren't
computer experts.

I've removed viruses
from computers before,

but with instructions.

So knowing they would need Herman's

close guidance when doing a repair,

I installed a series of walls
in the back of the store

to create a quarantined
viewing booth for Herman

so the repair area would remain
free of sexual contamination.

The only access point
into the inner chamber

was through a military-grade
key code lock

that only the asexuals
would have the code to.

So after putting up
a brand-new banner out front,

and giving the repair staff their code

to enter the desexualized zone...

The code is 1, 2, 3, 4.


So don't tell Herman. Okay.

They securely sealed themselves
inside the repair area,

while me and Herman waited
for customers up front.

You didn't see the code, right?

No, I didn't.

Do you promise?

I promise.


Before long,
the first customer arrived.

It's, like, very slow.

And it's hard for me to get to
the Internet sometimes.

So it was time to see
if he'd be impressed

by the new service.

So I don't know if you saw our sign,

but only computer repair shop in town

that offers a fully asexual
repair service.


Are you familiar with asexuals?

Uh, no, I'm not.

Okay, so the entire time
your computer is here,

no one with any sexual desires
will be touching it.

And that is the Cyberguy
guarantee, right?

Yes. For sure.

100% guarantee that.

Full disclosure,
Herman is a sexual person,

but he will not be touching
your computer at any point.

What does that mean,
"he's a sexual person"?

Yeah, that means a sexual person is me.

So we having some desires for looking

at the picture, digging,
looking inside.

So we're curious about what is inside.

What's contained inside.

It's a nude photos, videos, stuff.

So he has those desires.

But his... Other people don't.

They don't.

The people that will be repairing it.

The first customer
was excited by the concept.

So now an asexual is coming up.

- Yes.
- Got you.

But all our hard work
would be meaningless

unless we could
actually execute the repair,

so once the computer was safely
in the desexualized zone,

Herman took his place
in his isolation booth,

where he could hopefully guide
the repair process

while the barrier prevented him

from acting out his most carnal urges.

Okay, so can you double-click
on Library folder?

Okay, this is regular folders.

Okay, we don't need... Okay. So...

After 30 minutes,
the repair was going well.

But then Herman said he needed
to use the bathroom.

While it is scanning,
so I'm doing a break.

- Okay.
- To the restroom.

And that was a problem.

The only path to the bathroom

was directly through
the desexualized zone.

So to prevent contamination,
I created a lockdown protocol.

And it was about to get
its first real-world test.

Warning. Lockdown protocol activated.

Once the computer was safely
caged and padlocked,

Herman was allowed to cross
through the desexualized zone.

Sexual intruder alert.

Sexual intruder alert.

Sexual intruder alert.

Sexual intruder alert.

Sexual intruder alert.

Sexual intruder alert.

Okay, thank you guys.

The lockdown protocol
went off without a hitch,

and once they completed
their first repair,

it was clear that Herman
was sold on the new service.

Nobody touch or looking
or digging inside a computer.

So they feel safe.

And that meant customers
now had a place

where they could feel comfortable

handing over their computer
to a stranger.

Will you be looking
at any of her private photos

or personal videos or anything?

No. No, it's...

And why not?

Well, it's part of privacy,

and also just 'cause
I have no interest in it.


'Cause I'm asexual.

So there you go.

And please backup my music
and my photos.

I did not back them up.

Of course.

In the olden days,
this woman would have been

tied to a stake and burned alive.

But today the only threat
facing LA based psychic

Madam Dora is a lack of customers.

I've placed ads before, and they...

I haven't seen a lot of return
from them.

It could be because her marketing

was just too generic
to even be noticed.

So I paid her a visit with an
idea for a brand-new campaign.

The goal of advertising
should be to appeal

to as many people as possible.


But as a psychic,
you need to make people feel

that you're speaking directly to them.

Because that's the fantasy they have.


They want to believe
you know something about them.


So rather than advertising to everyone,

I think it would be hugely beneficial

if you targeted your campaign
to just one person:

Maria Garcia.

And Maria Garcia is...

According to the Whitepages,
there are over 1,000 people

named Maria Garcia
in Los Angeles alone.

So if Madam Dora created an ad campaign

targeting just those people,

each Maria Garcia would believe

the psychic was speaking
directly to her,

practically guaranteeing that they'd

call the number to schedule a reading.

The plan: Turn every Maria Garcia in LA

into a devoted customer for life.

Never made it a habit of
looking through the Whitepages.

Well, maybe that's where you
screwed up.

Yeah, it does make sense.

Madam Dora was impressed with
my good idea.

Now all we had to do
was get the word out.

So the next day, I returned
with some sound equipment

so we could record a radio ad
for our new campaign.

Maria Garcia, I had a vision about you.

I need to speak to you.

We also did an extensive print campaign

and installed multiple
billboards at busy intersections

throughout the city of Los Angeles.

And within days, Dora had
received her first call.

Hi, my name's Maria Garcia.

So I had Madam Dora call her back

to try to schedule a reading.

- Hello?
- Hello.

- Is this Maria Garcia?
- Yes.

My name is Dora, I'm a psychic.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Say you had a vision about her.

- Okay.
- I had a vision about you.

- And it was a strong vision.
- Oh.

And it was a really strong vision.

It came to me in a dream.

And it came to me in a dream.

The ad campaign worked,

and Maria booked an appointment
for later that week.

My hope was that she'd be
impressed enough

to become a devoted customer.

So when she arrived
for her appointment,

I told her we were
filming a documentary

about the best psychics in the world,

and she agreed to give me
an interview after her reading.

But when she emerged 30 minutes later,

I was shocked to discover

that she was completely underwhelmed.

She just said that she saw something

about the law around me.

Was that relevant or...

I don't think it was, honestly.

- Okay.
- Yeah, I was confused by that.

This was bad.

If Maria didn't believe
in Dora's psychic powers,

we'd lose her as a customer

and my whole plan would be a waste.

But that's when I realized

there might still be a way
to win her back.

Maria said that Dora
had predicted a mystery man

would soon sweep her off her feet.

But I guess I'm gonna find a guy who

I'm kind of turned away from at first,

and I guess I'll see what happens.

So if I could secretly engineer

a way for this to happen,

Maria would have no choice
but to believe

that Dora's mystical
powers were for real.

I thought I knew a mystery man
who just might fit the bill.

One of the production
assistants on my show

named Salomon regularly updates
his Facebook page

with posts about his longing
for a romantic connection.

It was clear he was still searching

for that special someone.

So I invited him into my office
to see if he wanted to help me

bring a psychic's prediction to life.

I told Salomon that I wanted
to introduce him

to a young woman I knew.

Her name's Maria Garcia.

Yeah, she seems cute.

And that a psychic had predicted

she would soon fall in love.

The man she described sounded
pretty similar to you.



Like she described a man with
brown hair, brown eyes.

Wow. That's...

That's pretty crazy.

Those psychics.

Salomon seemed interested,
but before setting them up,

I wanted to be sure
they had the ingredients

for a true romantic connection.

Do you have any deal-breakers
I should know about?


Like turnoffs or something.

Uh, if they're not nice.

If they're, like, mean.



'Cause some people like bad girls.

Oh, no. Not me.

- Right.
- No.

I like them, uh... nice.


Any other deal-breakers?

Well, maybe a smoker.

- Smoker?
- Yeah.

So if she smokes, that's a turnoff?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Anything else?

No smoker, and no handicapped.


Well, since I never dated a
handicapped person.

Like, I don't know. That would be...

Well, what do you think would
be the problem about that?

Uh, I guess if there's, like,
a set of stairs.

You probably have to lift the
person or something.

Like, I don't know.
You might, like, drop her.

You know?

She might sue you.

- Right.
- Yeah, so...

I don't want no... Nothing like that.

So you don't want to date
a handicapped person

because you're worried you'd
have to carry them up the stairs

and then you'd fall and then
that person would sue you?

Yeah, something like that.


I don't think she's handicapped,

but I can check on the smoking thing.

That would be good.

Salomon was on board.

But for this to work,
Maria would need to feel like

it was a chance encounter.

So I called her up and said that

the documentary crew wanted
to do a follow-up interview

about her experience with the psychic.

Yeah, I can do that.


But what she didn't know

was that the real purpose of the shoot

was to give her and
Salomon a chance to connect.

And I had the perfect way

to give them some time alone together.

Doing her makeup?


I don't even know how to put makeup.

You've never done makeup before?


Well, it's just like you
look at the color of her skin,

and you try to match it and you
just put it on.

It's easy.

So many colors.

Salomon agreed that posing as
the on-set makeup artist

would give them the best chance
to get to know each other.

But there was one big concern.

Do you know how to flirt?

I don't know.

- You don't know?
- I don't.

Okay, okay, so pretend you're the girl.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- And I'll be the guy...
- Okay.

And I'll show you a little role-play.

- Okay?
- Okay.

So hey, how's it going?

It's good.

How's your day today?

It's good.

Why is it good?

Oh, it's just the day is good.

Nice day to go out.

You're so dumb.

That's funny.

- So you see?
- Yeah.

It's like you're insulting,

but at the same time,
you don't mean it.

Yeah, so that's a good example
of flirting.

Salomon was a quick study.

But for my plan to work,
he would need to seal the deal.

Most importantly, though, if you
like her,

don't be shy to ask her out.

Think you can do that?

I think I can do that.

Before Maria arrived, I set Salomon up

with a YouTube makeup tutorial

so he could learn the basics.

And then I just kind of
buff it all over the skin,

really working it in there.

And this stuff...

And when she finally showed up,

I greeted her at the door.

So we're just gonna get you
into makeup quickly for,

like, a touchup, and then
we'll do the interview.

- Awesome.
- Okay, cool.

Where do you want me for now?

Oh, do you want a smoke?
Do you want a cigarette at all?

Oh, no, I don't smoke.
Thank you, though.

- You don't?
- No.

Okay. That's cool.


And with that, it was time for
Salomon and Maria to meet.

So this is our makeup artist, Salomon.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- He'll be...
- I'm Maria; nice to meet you.

- My name is Salomon.
- Uh-huh.

All right, he'll be touching
you up before we begin.

All right. I'll leave you two to it.

So I'm just gonna remove the shine.

- Just put a little bit...
- Mmhmm.

Do you want me to move my hair back?

Uh, yes.

Sorry about that.

So, um, so how is your day?

It's good. It's good.

It was really... It's relaxing so far.

Oh, yeah. That's funny.

You're so dumb.



Thank... So I'm...


So, um, let me see.

Just gonna...

Just gonna keep doing more shine.

It was a rough start.

And I was getting nervous
that Salomon wouldn't be able

to make Dora's prediction come true.

But then, things started
to turn around.

What's your favorite movie?

I don't know. That's a good question.

I love horror movies, though.

Oh, yeah, those are scary.

That's what I love about it.

I like the adrenaline rush
you get, like, during the film.

And I like seeing, like, why,

if it's, like, a killer,
like, what their motive is.

- Oh, yeah.
- And, like, how they do it.

It would be to have...
It would be good,

I think, to have the remote control.

It's like, you can escape the killer.

- You just fast-forward.
- Yeah.

Or just fast-forward the movie.

To see the ending.

Salomon was actually making her laugh.

And they were able to bond over
a common interest: Movies.

What other movies you like?


I want to watch all the
"Harry Potter" movies again,

'cause I just started
reading the books.

Oh, yeah, those are good. I like them.

- Did you read the books?
- I haven't read the books.

But I went to see the movies.


That's easier.

The books are really good, though.

Yeah, so there you go.
That's good lipstick.

Okay. Thank you so much.

Oh, I want to know if
you want to go out with me.


Out on a date?

- On a date?
- Yes.

- Okay.
- Yeah, so if...

Um, I don't... I mean,
I'll hang out with you,

but I don't know if it'd be,
like, a date,

'cause I don't know you at all.

Well, yeah, that would be good.

I mean, that's how everything starts,

- with friendship.
- Yeah.

Yeah, so that's good.


So we get to know each other.

Cool. Cool.

Salomon had done it.

And now that Madam Dora's
vision of a romantic encounter

with a mystery man had come true,

Maria seemed to have a newfound
faith in the psychic's powers.

Do you think you might go back
to her for another appointment?

Yeah, if I were ever to see a psychic,

I feel, why not it be her?

I know it may seem a bit like cheating,

putting in all this work

to make a psychic's prediction
come to life,

but who's to say my intervention
wasn't exactly

what Madam Dora had foreseen all along?

I guess I'll never really
know the truth,

but with a flood of new Marias
calling every single day,

the one thing I did know was
that Dora would be just fine.

Corrected & Synced by Bakugan

- What is that warning?
- So...

For Time Machine. For Time Machine.

Says "Do you want to use Cyberguy

to back up with Time Machine?"


- Don't use?
- Don't use.