Nathan for You (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Nathan for You - full transcript

Nathan tries to get press for a taxi company; a hot dog stand implements Nathan's new customer service initiative.

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My name is Nathan Fielder,

and I graduated from one
of Canada's top business schools

with really good grades.

Now I'm using my knowledge

to help struggling
small business owners make it

in this competitive world.

This is Nathan for you.

Andy Farshidian is the president
of Andy O.C. Taxi Company,

and he blames all his troubles
on one thing.

Trendy ride-sharing programs,
like Uber,

have been
grabbing headlines lately



and caused taxi companies
like Andy's to take a big hit.

I want to be honest
with you.

I'm very broke.
You know what I mean?

Very broke.

So I paid him a visit
with a guaranteed way

to get his company
back in the spotlight.

The ride-share programs,
you know,

- are screwing you, right?
- Right.

You know, they took lots of
the customers from cab business.

And you need to get the
attention that they're getting.

And the way to do that

is to give free rides
to pregnant women.

How this connected
to the, you know,

success in the cab business?



Every time a baby is born
in a taxicab,

it becomes
a huge news story.

So if Andy did
a special promotion

where he offered free rides
to women who were pregnant,

it would only be
a matter of time

until the miracle of life
happened in an O.C. Taxi cab.

The plan-- increase the odds
of a backseat birth

with free rides
for the pregnant.

I never had the--
I never thought about this.

You just do it
till you get one.

Then you'll get
all this press.

Yeah,
that would be great.

I-I should ask.
Your cabs are clean, right?

Yeah, sure.

Andy was on board.

Now I needed to get pregnant
women aware of the promotion,

so I approached
a yoga studio

that offers
prenatal classes

and asked them to get
the word out to their students.

And that would be great
if you could push this.

Why only
in their third trimester?

That more is-- has to do
with our marketing needs.

Got it.

And within a few days,
we started getting calls.

So I headed out with
one of Andy's drivers, Armen,

and while we waited
for our first customer,

I got to know him
a little bit.

So do you have
any secrets?

Yeah, I have secrets, but...

When I told you,
that is a not secret.

Hmm. Fair enough.

Bad secrets?

I think, yeah.

- Yeah?
- I think.

And moments later, it was time
to start giving rides

to pregnant women.

So how far along
are you?

I'm 30-- 37 weeks.

So any--

- anytime soon.
- Anytime.

But with a woman
who is nine months pregnant

now in the backseat,

the reality of what I was doing
began to set in.

I hadn't taken
any safety precautions at all.

And if a woman were to have
a baby in here,

would Armen,
with all those secrets,

be fit to deliver it?

And that
made me realize

there might be a better way
to do this.

It occurred to me
that a hatchback taxi

and a hospital
birthing table

have very similar qualities,

and a hybrid of the two
could be the solution I needed.

Throw in sterile conditions

and a medical professional
to deliver the baby,

and I'd have a completely safe
birthing option

that would be
even more headline-worthy

because it's never
been done before.

So I put an ad on Craigslist
seeking pregnant women

that hadn't yet decided
their birth plans,

and within a few days,

I got a response
from a woman named Shante

who was seven months pregnant.

The way I see it is a cab
that would be at your house

or very close
to your house.

Okay.

I'd want everything
to be completely sanitized

in a way that's just as safe,
if not safer,

than a hospital.

I'm-- I'm not
opposed to it.

I mean, I-I think
I would probably, uh,

need to think
about it more

and discuss it
with my-- my boyfriend.

I mean, in a way, you
and your son would be famous.

Yeah-- Well, yeah. Yeah.

Shante was
surprisingly intrigued,

and I was stoked that
this might actually happen.

So I went back to Andy
to bring him up to speed.

I actually
found a woman

who potentially
might be willing

to give birth
in one of your taxicabs.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

How much she ask--
she ask?

We haven't talked about money
or anything.

- Oh.
- But I only want to do this

if it can be done
completely safely.

I try to be safe.

You're not just saying that
right now, right?

'cause I'll walk out
right now.

- No, don't walk. I--
- For me, safety is number one.

I assure you.
I assure you.

Okay, 'cause I see
dollar signs in your eyes.

I know, but one--
one eye is dollar sign,

one eye is safety.

- So dollar in one eye.
- Dollar in one eyes

and babies
in the other eyes.

It just is a baby.

Just a baby sign,
yeah.

What does the baby
look like?

Looks like a small, cute baby
with a smile.

- Good. All right.
- Okay.

- Thank you so much.
- Sure, man.

- Safety first.
- Of course, safety first,

- baby second.
- Okay.

With Andy on board,

the next step
was finding a location

for the taxi birth
to take place.

So I rented a warehouse
near Shante's house

and had one of Andy's taxis
brought there

to be
the birthing vehicle.

Next, to make sure the birth
happened safely,

I hired someone who'd be able
to deliver the baby.

- You're a midwife.
- I'm a student midwife.

- You're a student midwife.
- Exactly.

Okay. So you're not quite,

but you pretty much know
the same stuff.

Mm-hmm.

And she assured me
that doing it in a taxi

would be no problem.

We're used to moms
giving birth wherever.

But just trusting the word
of a student midwife

was a risk I wasn't willing
to take.

So before showing this
to Shante,

I had a licensed obstetrician,
Dr. Manzer S. Kuraishi, come in

to ensure that Kim was fully
qualified to handle this birth.

If you went in
and checked out the midwife,

you think you would be able
to tell if she knew

- what she was doing or not?
- I can ask basic questions

and see if she responds
appropriately.

Not wanting
to offend Kim

by questioning
her expertise,

I had the doctor dress up
as a car mechanic,

so he could secretly vet her
to see if she was up to snuff.

- When you go in...
- Mm-hmm.

You're a mechanic that's just
there to check out the car.

- That's fine.
- Okay.

You still sound
maybe a little bit smart.

I don't know if there's a way
you could put on

a more, like, average Joe accent
or something.

I guess I can try to be more,
uh, run-of-the-mill.

Yo, I'm here
to just check out the car.

Uh, I'm here
to check out the car.

- The cah.
- The car. Da cah.

- Da cah, yeah.
- I'm here to check out the cah.

Yeah, that's great.

You think
that's gonna be better

- than just using--
- Yeah, I think it'll help

make you seem like
more of a mechanic.

- All right. Okay.
- Okay. Great.

With the doctor all set,

I brought him inside
to meet Kim.

- This is Teddy here.
- How you doing?

- Hi, Teddy.
- I'm here to check out the car.

- Okay.
- Teddy's a native

- from Brooklyn, New York.
- Okay.

- So...
- I'm looking for the accent.

I've been listening
for the accent.

Yeah. Comes and goes.

- I used to live in Brooklyn.
- No. Where?

What part--
What part are you from?

- The North Side.
- North side of Brooklyn?

Yeah. Well, anyways,
what do you got going here?

Our covert plan was working,
as Dr. Kuraishi was able

to subtly slide in
medical questions

without Kim suspecting
a thing.

Man, I'm from Brooklyn.
I'd rather have a pizza.

I don't know about that,
but what--

what happens if she does need
one of those epidural things?

And once he got
all he needed,

he completed his inspection
of the car...

- Looks good.
- and met me outside,

where I awaited
his report.

For the majority
of deliveries,

it would be
absolutely fine.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

Because the majority
of deliveries happen naturally.

Dr. Kuraishi's evaluation
gave me confidence in my plan.

Now all I needed
was for Shante to say yes.

The day
had finally arrived,

and with the birthing vehicle
medically sound,

I had a P.A. come in early
to sterilize the warehouse.

Now it was time to see
if I could convince Shante

and her boyfriend, Damian,
to have their firstborn child

in an Andy O.C. Taxi Cab.

Pretty great, huh?

Hmm.

- As you can see, it's...
- Wow.

- Completely done up.
- Totally different.

- Wow, totally different.
- Wow.

After explaining to them
how it would all work,

I eagerly awaited
the couple's decision.

The-- The idea--
Everything is great.

But now that I actually see
the finished product,

I feel like

- I'm not 100%.
- Yeah.

Is it 'cause there's not
enough towels or...

No. Actually--
Actually, I love the towels.

- Oh, okay. Great.
- The towels are actually--

No, it's not that.
It's just that

if-- if everything was,

you know, to be set up like
an actual hospital--

I was surprised
that Shante and Damian

were having cold feet.

Fortunately,
I had a plan "B."

At the end of the day,
we can't forget

- who this is all about.
- Yeah.

Uh, Andy, who's the owner
of the O.C. Taxi Company.

- Oh.
- So before you leave,

I do think,
you know,

- you should hear from him.
- Okay.

With the couple on the brink
of walking away,

my only hope was a plea
from the man

who needed their help
the most.

So it was now in Andy's hands
to win them over.

I had a sign, you know,
in my cab a for long, long time,

and I never use it,
you know?

And when you have
your baby come out,

the first thing
he or she open their eyes,

I have that sign
for that kids.

And the sign
says what?

It says,
"You are cute."

- You are cute?
- Cute.

- She or he cannot read it.
- Yeah.

But goes on the mind--
goes on the brain

and stay there,
you know what I mean?

Yeah. I think you guys
would have to do too much

other stuff to accommodate
what I'm looking for.

Please.

But if there's anything else
we could do,

like, maybe, like,
word of mouth.

Can you do me a favor
and think a little bit more...

Andy. Andy.

And please give me
this chance?

Yeah, I think
it's just gonna--

we're just gonna have it
at the hospital.

- Oh, I give you 100% guarantee.
- Andy. Andy. Andy.

- Anything that you want.
- No, Andy--

Yeah. Thank you so much,
though, for the offer.

- Yeah.
- I don't think

- they want to do it.
- Give me a minute.

Damian and Shante said no,
but Andy wouldn't give up.

- So it's about you?
- No, it's not about me, no.

Well, you sound
like it is.

This is a good opportunity
for you.

No. You're trying to convince us,
but at the end of the day,

it seems like
it's all about you.

The baby sign was gone
from his eyes

and replaced
with another dollar sign.

He was no longer seeing them
as human beings,

but instead, just a way
to get rich.

So I had to do what was right
and let them go.

- Please, think again.
- Andy, okay.

You can go.
Thank you.

It was sad that things
didn't work out

the way that Andy wanted.

But sometimes in business,

success also means knowing
when to stop.

I think
what happened today

is a perfect example

of greed
infecting someone's brain,

and that infection happened
in yours.

- You're right. You're right.
- You lost focus,

and you forgot what's
the most important thing.

Human life.

What do you think
if we looking for another baby?

I think we just have
to let this one go.

Maybe somebody else
like it.

I-I mean, maybe.

You know, I can't guarantee it
100%, you know what I mean?

Andy, I respect you so much
as a businessman,

but I just don't think we see
eye to eye as human beings.

Okay, good luck, kid.

Okay.

- Best of luck with everything.
- Okay. Thank you very much.

For a business,
nothing says success

like a line
down the block.

And for L.A.'s Pink's Hot Dogs,

they've got that
down pat.

But even though
things are going well,

owners,
Gloria and Richard Pink,

are always looking
to step things up.

Any business that isn't
improving is falling behind.

Yeah, we're always looking for
ways to improve the business.

The Pinks were clearly crazy
about their brand.

But when I went undercover
to scope things out,

I discovered
a glaring problem

that was keeping them
from making even more money.

So I paid the couple
a visit

with a way to attract
a new type of customer.

I wore
a pink shirt today

because your name
is Pink's.

Right. Okay.

Right now,
the huge line at Pink's

is turning off
a slew of customers

that don't have time
to wait.

But Richard and Gloria
would easily be able

to capture those sales
with a simple rule change--

line cutting allowed
if you're in a hurry.

I hate to, like,
prejudge it,

but customers that saw

that someone else
got an advantage

would probably be upset.

I want you guys to know
that I'm determined

to protect your brand
at all costs.

All right, so let's see
how you do that.

- Okay.
- Okay.

The Pinks agreed to let me
prove my idea to them

during the Friday
lunch rush.

So the next day I placed a sign
near the street

advertising the new rule.

To avoid chaos by everyone
saying they were in a rush,

I came up with a list
of five acceptable reasons

for cutting
to the front of the line...

Doctor's appointment,
job interview,

picking up a kid from school,
funeral,

or if you're an air traffic
controller who's late for work.

The new policy seemed to be
attracting customers

who were driving by

even though most of them
didn't qualify for line cutting.

Uh, no.

But you're not
an air traffic controller.

But there were several people
with legitimate places to be.

You have
a doctor's appointment today?

- Yes.
- And who's your doctor?

- Dr. Pia.
- Dr. Pia?

Dr. Pia's office.

Hi, I'm calling to confirm
an appointment for...

- Jason.
- Jason...

- Wolf.
- Wolf.

Yeah, we have Jason
coming in at 5:30.

Great.
Okay, thank you so much.

And once I was able to confirm
their reason...

He has to cut in line.
He has a doctor's appointment.

- Is that okay?
- Yeah, that's okay.

Okay.

...customers could cut
to the front of the line

without anyone getting angry.

As the day went on, the system
seemed to be working great.

- You are going to a funeral.
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

- Who's the funeral for?
- Connie Mendel.

- A friend of mine.
- Oh, I'm so sorry

- for your loss.
- It's okay. It's okay.

But as the lunch rush
was winding down,

I saw something
that disturbed me.

One customer that I met earlier
said he was in a hurry.

I have a doctor's appointment.
I forgot.

You have
a doctor's appointment today?

- Yes. Mm-hmm.
- You really do?

- Mm-hmm.
- But when I tried

to confirm it, he couldn't
give me any information.

- What's your doctor's number or--
- I don't have his number.

I just--
I don't have it with me.

I just have to go
at 3:00.

Giving him
the benefit of the doubt,

I allowed him
to cut to the front.

But now,
45 minutes later,

he was still sitting there
taking his time.

And I began to suspect

that he didn't have
a doctor's appointment at all.

So I told one of my cameramen
to secretly follow him

to his car,
and once he drove off,

I followed
in close pursuit

to see if he was
telling the truth.

A bit late for the doctor
by now, aren't we?

Huh.

After 30 minutes
of tailing him,

he led us
straight into a lie.

He wasn't
going to the doctor.

He was
seeing a movie instead,

an excuse
that wasn't on my list.

It was
an unbelievable slap in the face

to the Pink's name.

So that evening,
I returned to the restaurant

to see how Gloria
wanted to handle this.

So he--
he cut in line,

got his food,
and then later?

- He went to see a movie.
- Ah.

You know, I think if you
don't do something to respond,

it could make you, as a brand,
look weak.

Well...

So with your permission, I'd
like to take this guy on a boat,

and then once
he's trapped at sea,

teach him a lesson
he'll never forget.

Whoa. Whoa.

That's pretty harsh.

After my conversation
with Gloria,

Richard escorted me out
and said

that he no longer wanted my help
at Pink's.

But when I make a promise
to a business...

I'm determined to protect
your brand at all costs.

I always keep it.

And that meant I had
to show this guy on my own

what happens
when you mess with Pink's.

So using the number
from his appearance release,

I told Jonathan I was calling
from the Pink's head office

with some exciting news.

You, my friend,

are the 10 millionth
Pink's customer.

I am serious.

You have won
a lobster lunch for one

at sea.

At sea.

Congratulations.

Jonathan bought it
hook, line, and sinker.

So I docked a boat
in the San Pedro harbor

and then sent a limo
with two hired models

to keep the ruse going
on the way to the sea.

I'm so excited to be

the 10th millionth customer
of Pink's.

I love their hot dogs.

I'm so excited
to represent them.

Once Jonathan arrived, I had
him right where I needed him,

and he was about to learn
that taking advantage of Pink's

does not go unpunished.

Shortly after,
we headed out to sea,

and Jonathan
had no idea

that his life
was about to change forever.

What's your personal tagline?

Live life how you want
to live it and enjoy it...

- Mm-hmm.
- Because no one

is gonna--
no one can hurt you.

- Don't answer to no one.
- Exactly.

- Yeah.
- Do not answer to nobody.

Yeah.

I'm just so happy

that the 10 millionth
Pink's customer

turned out to be
such a selfless and honest guy.

Yes.

Once we got
to deep enough waters,

I led Jonathan
up to the top deck,

where my plan
was about to unfold.

Have a seat
at your own personal table...

- This is so gorgeous.
- out at sea.

Huh?

And here we go.

I hope you're hungry

for nothing.

Now.

Hiding behind a curtain
were four of the people

that Jonathan had callously
cut in front of

to get
his hot dog first.

You're not
the 10 millionth customer.

You're here today
because I know

you didn't have
a doctor's appointment.

I saw you
go into a movie theater.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

And these are four people
that you cut in front of

that you thought
you were better than,

including
a nine-year-old girl.

Don't be mad.

I just don't understand
why you would cut us.

I am truly sorry.
I'm really not like that.

I'm not a liar. I mean,
even though I did say that,

I was-- I was
under a lot of-- I-I just--

He asked us
if we wanted to go,

and he asked the guy behind us
if we had anything on the list,

and we both said no.

But, you know, I wasn't lying
when I said--

And, yes, you were like,
"Oh, are you sure?

I don't want to do it," and
this, that, and the other thing.

- No, I did not.
- "Sure, go ahead."

'cause we thought it was
a doctor's appointment,

and we thought we were
being kind to a stranger

who was in a hurry
and wanted to grab a bite to eat

before the doctor's appointment.

Now that Jonathan understood
how his actions affected others,

it was time
for his punishment.

The initial plan
I had in mind

was to unload all the passengers
except Jonathan

into a second boat,

and then sink the main boat
with Jonathan on it.

But my legal department said
that this was too unsafe.

So I reluctantly agreed
on a milder punishment.

You have to take
a piece of gum

from this ordinary pack
of gum.

What is that?

It's just an ordinary pack
of gum.

I'm not gonna do it.

Jonathan, this is not
a negotiation.

You did something wrong,

and your punishment is
you have to take a piece of gum

from this ordinary pack
of gum.

Okay. I'm gonna turn around
while I do it.

- Okay.
- I don't even want to see--

Aah! That hurt.

Yes. It wasn't
a normal pack of gum.

It was
Shock Chewing Gum.

Now that he had paid
for his crime,

I wanted to be sure
that Jonathan

left this boat
a better man.

Inside all of our anatomies,
there's two parts.

There's a part
that's a liar

and a part
that's a cool guy.

And you're letting
the part that's a liar

take over your whole body.

Deep down inside you,
Jonathan,

I know
there's a good, cool guy.

And I feel like
if you really work on yourself,

within a few years,
you could even be the one

trapping people on boats.

Oh, my lord. Okay.

You shouldn't be laughing
right now.

No, but you're so weird.

- No, Jonathan, I'm not weird.
- You are crazy.

No, I'm normal.

I teach people lessons
when they do something wrong.

You're very manipulative
and conniving,

and I don't like it.

Whether or not Jonathan
learned his lesson,

I left that day knowing

I had accomplished
something important.

I upheld my promise
and returned dignity

to the name
I vowed to protect

by letting
the world know

that this is what
was waiting for them

if they decided
to [bleep] with Pink's.