Nathan for You (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Nathan for You - full transcript

Nathan convinces a mechanic to verify his estimates with a polygraph test, and rebrands a realtor to sell only ghost-free homes.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
My name is Nathan Fielder,

and I graduated from one of Canada's
top business schools

with really good grades.

Now, I'm using my knowledge
to help struggling small business owners

to make it in this competitive world.

This is Nathan for You.

Greg Boodaghian works in an industry

where dishonesty runs rampant.

And that makes the fact that I first
thought his business was called

"Gay Auto Repair"
the least of his worries.

His biggest problem?
Customers not trusting him.

I do have clients like that, then.

Once they enter here,

they think that
I'm ready to rip them off.

Greg seemed like
an honest mechanic,

but before helping him,
I needed to be sure.

So I baked him some cookies
with salt instead of sugar

to see if he'd be honest
about the taste,

and the next day,
I paid him a visit at his shop

in Glendale, California,
with my homemade treats.

I have a little
surprise for you.

I baked you these cookies.

- For me?
- Yeah.

So feel free to have one.


- Who made it? You made it?
- Mm-hmm.

What do you think?

- Very good.
- You like it?

I like it.
Yeah, a little salty. Different.

Good enough.

The plan: for Greg to promote
that he's an honest mechanic

by only giving estimates while
hooked up to a lie detector.

I never thought of that,
but, you know, it's--

Something like this won't
only make you look more honest,

But it will make your
competitors look more dishonest

because it'll make
everyone in the city go,

"Well, why isn't my mechanic
hooked up to a polygraph?

I want to go to the guy who is."

Probably, yeah.
People will think that way.

Yeah. Yeah.

Greg seemed into my idea,
and that meant I needed to find

a reliable polygraph machine
for him to use.

Do you want another one?

- Oh, I'll take it later.
- Have another one now.

- No.

So I tracked down
a local polygraph operator

and met up with him at my office
to put his machine to the test.

Answer the following questions
truthfully, okay?


- Is today Thursday?
- Yes.

Are you currently
sitting down?


Have you ever used pornography
to pleasure yourself?

Is that a standard question?

Try to not talk
between questions.

Have you ever used
online pornography

or pornography
to pleasure yourself?




I don't know about that 100%.

I don't look at pornography,
so it was obvious

that Gene's old machine was
too inaccurate to use with Greg.

So I sought out
a different polygraph operator

who claimed to have
the most up-to-date equipment.

this machine looked like

something out of the 1500s.

- It was like...
- Yeah,

- those are only 80% accurate.
- Right.

So what I want to do today,
along with testing your machine,

is to show that I was telling
the truth in that situation

and that I don't watch
online pornography.


And once I was all hooked up,

I was ready to
take on the hard questions.

Do you live in Wisconsin?

- No.
- Pass.

Do you ever look
at pornography on the internet?



I--I s--

Have you ever
pleasured yourself

while watching pornography
on the internet?



Do you need to reboot
the computer or something?

There's no-- nothing to reboot.

It's rolling.

'cause I noticed
your computer is a Dell.

- So I don't know...
- Computer's a Toshiba.

- It never glitches?
- No.

You're failing, I and I think
it's 'cause you're lying.

- But it's weird for me a little
bit when I'm telling the truth

and the computer
is saying I'm lying.

and on top of that,
it's a Toshiba.

Small green mountain,
small green mountain,

giant green mountain.

- What was that question for?
- Porn.

Do you ever watch porn
on the internet?

Is that a Windows 95?

Oh, Jesus, dude.
You're graspin' at straws.

The operating system
has nothing to do

with what you're shooting out.

And it's not Windows 95.

- XP?
- Yes.

Still, it's not the most recent
operating system, I don't think.

Despite the inaccuracy
of John's dated machine,

we had to go with him
since there weren't

any other operators
in the area.

- See you later.
- Bye.

Back at G&Y, I had
a surprise in store for Greg.

- I got you that sign.
- All right, that's cool.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

With the sign in place,
it was finally time for Greg

to try out his new honest
approach with customers.

- Hi, how are you?
- Hey. Hi.

- We have a special today.
- Okay.

We accept a polygraph test
when we give you...

Oh, wow.

When we give you
the estimates.

So if you want a--
you're willing to--

That sounds great.

Customers seemed excited
about the promotion,

and after a thorough inspection,
Greg gave his quote.

The rear, you have,
like, 5% left.


While John, our polygraph
examiner, took notes.

Now it was time to put
Greg's honesty to the test.

- Is today Sunday?
- No.


Do the rear brake pads
only have 5% left?

- Yes.
- True.

Is $180 a fair price
to replace an ABS sensor?

- Yes.
- True.


So based on those answers, how
do you feel about your estimate?

Yeah, it's--
he sounds truthful.

Keep in mind, too,
that yesterday

when he did a test on me,
it said that I, you know,

pleasured myself to pornography,
and I don't do that.

just keep in mind...

Oh, really?

- It's not fully accurate 100%.
- Okay.

It's like, you know, run on
a Toshiba laptop with XP, so--

it's 98% accurate,

and he has pleasured himself
to porn on the internet.

No, that's-- we had--
we determined yesterday

that that was possibly
a glitch with the machine, or--

No, I disputed
that right away.

There is absolutely no way
you were telling the truth

on the two questions you failed.


I'm just trying to establish
there is some uncertainty,

and, you know, to--

There's absolutely
no uncertainty.

Your body exploded on those
two questions across--

But we don't know 100%
that my body exploded.

It is the computer
that's showing...

Oh, it was 100% your body.

You keep trying to blame it
on Windows this and programs.

It was your body.
You failed.

There is no doubt you have
watched porn on the Internet

at some time in your life,
and there is zero doubt--

Well, maybe he just--

Maybe he was uncomfortable
with the question.

- No.
- No?

I was uncomfortable
with the question, though.

So thank you.

Despite the accuracy problems
with John's machine,

more and more customers
seemed to enjoy

their polygraph-verified quotes.

Did you find a loose vacuum hose
and you reattached it?



So as you can see, the things
he quoted you in the estimate

were exactly things that are
actually problems with your car,

and you do need,
and you know that.

But if you go anywhere else,
you won't know that.


Sounds like a winner.

I was so proud that
I could finally help Greg

profit from his honesty,
and at the end of the day,

I wanted to see what he thought
of the whole experience.

Were you happy
with everything that I did?

We were happy, yes.
We were happy, so--


Do you mind if I ask you that

while hooked up
to the polygraph?

- Sure.
- Yeah?

So were you happy with
everything I did for you today?



One more question.

Would you ever
want to hang out sometime

socially with me
outside of this?





Well, thank you, and--yeah,
thank you for your honesty.


And, yeah.

Best of luck with everything.

Are we done? Yeah.

Yay. Okay.

- Have a nice day.
- Thank you.

- Good to meet you.
- Bye.

It's-- yeah. All right.

Sue Stanford is one
of over 6,000 licensed realtors

in L.A. County,
and in an oversaturated market,

it can be hard
to stand out from the crowd.

We're continually trying
to outdo the other--

person, you know,
trying to get business.

So I paid her a visit
to help her become

one of the most sought-after
realtors in the city.

So I always like to begin
with some small talk

to break the ice and make
the other person comfortable.


Have you ever posed
for a painting before?

No, not actually,
not for anything like that.

You'd make a good model.
You're very beautiful.

Well, bless your heart.

Thank you so much
for saying that.

You're welcome.

So is that enough small talk
to make you comfortable?

Yeah, I guess so.

My mission was to make Sue
one of L.A.'s top realtors.

The plan: have her specialize

in a currently unrepresented
group of homebuyer,

the 50% of people
who believe in ghosts.


When you show a house,
you know, half the people

that come through are thinking,
"Is there a ghost in here?"


So it surprised me that
I've never seen a realtor

that can guarantee
that all the homes they sell

are entirely ghost-free.

True, yeah.

So what I'm suggesting

is a complete re-branding
of you as the Ghost Realtor.


It's really a wild idea.

Sue wasn't fully
seeing my vision yet,

So to help sell it to her,
I mocked up some new branding

and prepared a special surprise
to get her excited.

- Ready?
- Uh-huh.

All right, open your eyes.

Oh, my gosh.

That's amazing.

Pretty great, huh?

That's me.

"My homes are 100% ghost-
and demon-free."

Oh, my goodness.

I could tell Sue was thrilled
with her new image,

but to fully rebrand
as the ghost realtor,

she'd need to work with
a professional psychic medium

Who could verify whether
her homes were truly ghost-free.

So I found a local
psychic online...

I'm psychic Ron Bard.

and arranged for he and Sue
to meet at one of her listings.

My mother was considered

Queen of the Psychics
by Dr. Hans Holzer.

He's written 145 books.


And my daughter just found
her first missing child in New York.


So just to be clear, if there's
a ghost in this house,

you'll be able to tell.

- That's correct.

With Ron's guarantee,
I introduced him to Sue.

My great pleasure.

And then we followed
as he led us through the house

inspecting each room
for the presence of any ghosts.

Definitely a change of energy.

- You feel that, correct?
- Mm-hmm, definitely.

I feel, like, chills going down
my spine right now.

- Right.
- Is it a ghost?


Things were off to
a great start, as Ron believed

the first house
was completely ghost-free.

I'm not feeling there's
any entities in this house.

- Well, that's good.
- That's good.

- Yes.
- I can sell the house.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But when we visited
another one of Sue's listings,

Ron felt a presence

I'm hearing screaming and
arguing throughout the house.

- Screaming and arguing?
- Yeah.

This is no good.

- Oh, dear.
- The bathroom?

This whole house.
Something's wrong.


Ron sensed evil all around us.

Something went on back there.

But it wasn't until
we went into the bedroom

that he felt
the true presence of the ghost.

You feel like there's
ghosts around, or--

- Yeah.
- Ooh, is that right?

I feel there are entities
in this house.

- I see.
- There's no question about it.

Well, that sucks for you.

Yeah, yeah.

What is his activity
in the house?

It's, like, evil.

It's like--you know
what an incubus is?

It's a ghost that'll have sex
with someone until they die.


That's like what I experienced
when I was in Switzerland.

Something bad,
a bad spirit or a bad entity.

This is the room
that it's generating from.

- What happened in Switzerland?
- When I was being choked.

- You were being choked
in Switzerland?

- Yeah.

- We were just
talking about that.

- What?

- Earlier,
we were talking about--

- Choked by what?
- By an entity like that.

I felt like I was being picked--

- What, a ghost choked you
in Switzerland?

- Yes.
- Wow.

Oh, yes.

There's been many things
that has happened in my life.

That's why it's so
interesting to meet you.

Sue's bombshell about the
Switzerland ghost made me feel

an urgency to get rid
of this entity right away.

The only question was how.

It could always be cleaned.

Ron suggested an exorcism,
so the next morning,

I found an exorcist from Fresno
named brother Carlos...

You have to obey me,
and you have to come out.

In the name of Jesus Christ,

And booked him
to do an exorcism

in the master bedroom
for the following week.

In the meantime,
Sue had an appointment

to show the house that
she preferred not to cancel.

So before the potential
buyer arrived,

I reminded her to be upfront
about the status of the home.

You just have to be honest with
the person you're showing it to,

and it let them know that
even though there is an entity,

we will be doing
an exorcism very soon,

and that will get rid of it.

That's-- Yes, okay.
That sounds perfect.

- Okay, great. So good luck.
- Okay. Thank you so much.

Oh, thanks.

And moments later,

Sue began her first showing
as the Ghost Realtor.

So the dining room's this way,

and then the kitchen's
to your right.

After the potential buyer
made her way through the house,

it was up to Sue
to close the deal.

So what did you think?

I like it, especially
the walk-in closet.

Oh, a nice, big one.

Yes, a nice, big closet.

And the master bedroom
is really nice.

- Yes.
- I like it, yes.


Well, I do have to explain
something to you.

Upstairs in the master bedroom,

we did find a entity,

and it was an incubus.

I know you're wondering
what that is.

I have no idea.

Well, that is a pretty evil
spirit, actually,

and he said that
this spirit rapes women

and has sex with them
until they die.

I know it sounds awful,

but we're going to
have it taken care of.

We're going to have an exorcist
come in and get rid of it.

- This is real? Really? Like--
- I know.

I know.

Isn't that unbelievable

that things like this
happen in this world?

So trust me.

Come back in a couple of days,

and you'll see
it's a big difference.

It was clear
Sue was having trouble

keeping buyers interested
with an incubus still present,

but I was hopeful all that
would change after our exorcism.

It was finally
the night of the exorcism,

and after brother Carlos,
our exorcist, arrived,

Sue and I led him upstairs
to the bedroom

where the entity was detected.

So what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna anoint this place.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay?

And I'm gonna command
these spirits to leave.

In the martyred name
of the Lord Jesus Christ,

Come out, evil spirits.

Making people believe you
are spirits of dead humans, huh?

Liars and deceivers, get out.

Get out of here
and don't ever, ever come back.

After getting rid of the spirit,

Brother Carlos insisted that
he had to cleanse us as well,

as demons can sometimes
attach themselves

to humans and manifest
as physical ailments.

Do you have any health issues?

Are you constantly getting sick?

Do you have migraine headache
hitting you all the time?

I do have one thing,
but it's kind of...


- Private, personal.
- All right.

It's hemorrhoids.

Yeah, that's demonic.
Oh, yeah.

- Okay.
- So how you say it again?

I don't see this demon
very often.


- Hemorrhoids.
- Hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids.

Yeah, I don't say
this name very often.

Oh, I see.

So let me go ahead and address
this thing right now. Okay?

In the name
of the Lord Jesus Christ,

I command demons
of hemorrhoids.

I am casting you out,
evil spirits,

In the name
of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Hemorrhoid demons...

come out!

- Is it gone?
- Wow, you look different.

- I do?
- Mm-hmm.

You look like something
just happened, definitely.


If Sue noticed
a change that quickly,

I wanted to be sure
to leave no stone unturned.

Can it help with penis size?

You see-- Yeah, okay.

If it's demonic, yeah, I can
cast out the demon from there.

I don't have to say
for the thing to, you know,

increase in size
or dimi-- whatever.


In the name
of the Lord Jesus Christ,

I command all of you demons.

If there's a demon there,
you know,

affecting this man's penis,
male organs,

makin' it smaller, whatever--

If there's any demon there
lodged in his penis right now,

Come out!
In the name of Jesus Christ.

Come out!

You might be free
from this thing already.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

After brother Carlos
addressed my personal demons...

I have an extremely bad back
problem, if that can be helpful.

- Oh, yeah.

He offered to help Sue

by removing the demons
causing her back pain.

And as I am addressing
these demons right now,

I'm gonna be
more aggressive, okay,

because I know you have signs of
someone that have demons inside.

- Okay?
- Okay.

So just make eye contact
with me right now. Okay?

In the name
of the Lord Jesus Christ,

I command any evil spirit

that the Lord Jesus Christ
has identified

to place divine judgment
for violating this soul.

In the name of the Lord
Jesus Christ, I command you now

to get out of this woman
right now, evil spirits.

I command you now to get out.

Demons, look in my eyes.
Look in my eyes.

You've been messin' up
with her back?

Right, devils?

I'm commanding you to come out.
I am commanding you to come out.

I am commanding you
to come out!

In the name of Jesus Christ,
come out!

Come out. Get out. Get out.

Come out of Sue's chest.
Come out.

Come out.
Come out, evil spirits.

Come out, evil spirits.

Demons messin' up with
the vertebraes in the neck,

Come out in the name
of Jesus Christ.

Come out.

I want all demons
out of her spine, get out.

Get out. Get out. Get out.

Get out in the name
of Jesus Christ. Get out.

In the name
of Jesus Christ, get out.

Come out. Come out.
Come out. Come out.

In the name of Yeshua, come out.
In the name of Yeshua, come out.

Get out. Look in my eyes.
You have to go now.

- Uh-huh.
- You have to go.

I'm casting you out.
You have to go.

You have to go.

Leave now.
Leave now. Leave now.

- Okay.
- Leave. Leave. Leave.

- Stop it!
- Leave.

- Stop it.
- Leave.

Go now,
and don't ever come back.

Take a deep breath
three times, please.

You didn't hurt her
or anything, right?

- No.
- Okay.

'cause she looks like
she's almost dead.

- Are you okay, Sue?
- Yeah. Actually, I'm fine.

I think I'm feeling
a little relief now.

It's amazing.

After cleansing me, Sue,
and the rest of the bedroom,

Brother Carlos felt confident

that the house was now
entirely ghost-free.

After all we did here
in this room,

I'm pretty much certain
that there's no evil spirits

right here in this--
in this bedroom.

And after wishing him well,
I felt like I had done

all I could to reinvigorate
Sue's career.

- He was amazing.
- Yeah.

- So the home is now ghost-free.
- Yeah.

It's a beautiful home,

and I think now
that the ghost is gone,

it's going to be so much
more alluring to people

to come in here
and have a look at it.

- Mm-hmm.

Before I go, I have
a little something for you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- No.
- Yeah, a little gift.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

I've been doing a little bit
of painting in my spare time,

And I just did this
from imagination, you know.

- Did you?
- Yeah.

I kind of used your
real estate photo for the face

and my imagination
for just the rest of the body.

Very nice.

Thank you so much.

Okay, I'll see you later.

- Okay.
- Okay, bye.


Just full of surprises here.