Murphy Brown (1988–2018): Season 2, Episode 9 - Roasted - full transcript

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well it had to be back in 1952 as I

remember I was at Washington National

Airport we were waiting for MacArthur to

return from Korea and suddenly I felt

someone tapping me on the shoulder and

it was this tall gangly young kid and he

said Walter Cronkite

I'm Jim dial is there any advice you

could give a struggling young reporter I

I told him he was too skinny for TV with

that voice he just might have a career



in radio I didn't see him again until

the Democratic convention in 56 all the

network hotshots of course were

leapfrogging all over each other trying

to get the big story but it was Jim dial

who got the first live interview with

Jack Kennedy after he lost the vice

presidential nomination this time I

introduced myself to him but perhaps my

my most vivid memory goes back to the

night man first landed on the moon I was

so full of emotion I could hear my voice

start to waver

all I could think was if I lose it now



taya will never let me hear the end of

it and that's the way it was

the Redskins here their whole offensive

scheme is too conservative for Oh God

another one I can't take it anymore

Frank I just can't take it

look at him why he's an axe murderer I

know you're being ridiculous

mirtha that looks perfectly normal but

if you want me to check it out please

Frank please hi there hey you must be

merged in a secretary I just thought I'd

introduce myself Frank Fontana

oh hi Kenneth Herman I just want to say

it's an honor to be working here I've

watched FYI for a long time now and in

my opinion it's the most informative and

well produced magazine show on the air

great thanks very much in that night

ending with it

nothing to worry about her I think you

get a winner dude time thanks Frank

another brilliant job of investigative

reporting

you notice anything unusual around here

yeah there's mint in the coffee okay

who's the wise guy who put the man

number jim's mug it's still sitting here

Jim is always the first one in every

morning and what's the first thing he

gets bone-dry now Frank let's not panic

until we get the ransom note we joke if

you want but I'm telling you Jim didn't

join us last night at Phil's after the

show either and you remember the excuse

he gave yeah he said he was tired and he

was heading home he said he was tired

and he was heading home and he expects

us to buy that I'm telling you something

is up with him

you guys Jim you see what you got

well I saw him downstairs in the coffee

shop he was just sitting in a corner

booth all by himself I knew it

no dishes no silverware the waitress

said he'd been there all morning just

sorting the sugars one sweet little one

regular one sweet one regular

don't you two have enough to do if you

want to solve a mystery try explaining

Deborah Norville

where'd he go

morning Jim how you doing Jim yes Jim

how are you doing fine it's a beautiful

day isn't it

I drove by the river on the way to work

I loved that route the Sun peaking above

the banks Potomac still shrouded in fog

huh mint

Oh Frank you're crazy fine okay Dara's

wrong are you guys blind look at this he

just left it here Jim never leaves a

mess and why was he using a spoon anyway

he forgot to pour in the milk I'm

telling you this is not the Jim I know

something's definitely going on with him

morning everybody anybody see the Jim

man around yeah he's in his office but I

don't think you should bother him right

now what's wrong in every spoon on the

counter did you call 911 one weld I've

known Jim a lot longer than you and

something's not right with him you're

just gonna have to trust me on this oh

you mean it's it's something I'm too

dense to fathom something along the

lines of oh maybe it's Jim's 25th

anniversary with the network and he's

hurt because none of us have said

anything about 25th anniversary how'd

you know that because I the dance guy

stay current

I've been touch and Time magazine wants

to do a story about him for their

milestone section poor Jim no wonder

he's upset this is such an important

event anything swing missed it we did

miss this yeah but it's not too late we

can still do something big really mark

the occasion oh not another one of your

chili parties free

what do you say we reserved a segment on

fYI for a Jim dial retrospect no it's

two self-promoting Jim won't go for it

come on what else wait a minute I think

I've got it I know I've got it oh this

is too perfect well throw him a roast

well we'll make it a surprise idea you

mean where we all get up and say funny

things about Jim not just funny funny

insulting funny we get all his friends

together we stick him up on a dais and

we skewer until he begs for mercy okay

now I just want to go over the plans for

Friday night it's going to be an even

bigger turnout than we expected people

are flying in from all over the world

great how we gonna get Jim to the roast

you think he's going out to dinner with

me I want to make sure everyone's

material is great I've been working on

mine all week honing sharpening it's got

some killer lines in it really classic

stuff oh yeah let's hear it nope I'm

seeing it for the roast well okay just

one you know there's a reason why they

made you make her at fYI because he

drags down the rest of the show

I tell you if Jim or any more story now

now I better wait if he were any more

stoic

okay so what have you got well I don't

know about the rest of you but I've come

up with a good story a real zinger tell

us ready welcome one time I was leaving

work and my car got a flat tire so Jim

offered to help me change it good you

know how much he loves those expensive

Italian suits of his so he carefully

took off his jacket and rolled up his

sleeves and started on the tire okay

well he didn't get any grease on his

suit but when he finished yeah this time

I'm still working on the setup button

blah blah blah I want to say Jim's

conservative but when he got off the

plane in Hawaii

he immediately tied his leg into a

Windsor knot winds are not

can I be honest with you guys you stink

at this come on the man has been with

this network for 25 years 25 years

doesn't that mean anything to you the

events he's been a part of the careers

he's nurtured the tireless work he's

done for charities and you can't think

of one rotten thing to say about him

what kind of friends are you come on

let's do this for Jim showing how much

we love him let's pry his butt

hey nobody says any more I can't help it

I'm excited you should see the room

earth everybody who's anybody is in

there if a bomb fell on this building

Phyllis George would be back in the news

business he's at parking the car now

will you get back in there he'll be here

any second and tell sam donaldson to

keep it down I can hear him from the

street this is gonna be great Sam shut

up

sorry for the delay Murphy but there was

no way I was gonna leave my car with a

valet who was licking McNuggets sauce

off his fingers am i starving I can't

remember when I've been this hungry what

do you say we go ahead you know you

really shouldn't handle a hat by the

brim oh so sorry I didn't mean to lash

out at you I apologize please please

forgive me do you want it back no doing

a playing job carry on

did you hear how I tore into that

problem and we're hot well it's no big

deal Jim now come on let's go and you

know how this place is you're five

minutes late and they give away your

table dear god what is happening to me

Jim are you all right yes oh I got you

no mercy I have been with the network

for 25 years 25 years today no kidding

25 years and right on this day you say

25 sounds pretty impressive doesn't it

do you realize my entire life has gone

by unexplored options have vanished Jim

I told myself I was gonna hold it

together don't I always hold it together

I don't know why but this time it's just

too much I'm flooded with self-doubt I

feel painfully vulnerable Oh Murphy I'm

so grateful to you for inviting me for Y

dinner tonight we've been friends so

long I I think you sense my need for a

safe place where I could finally open up

gee Jim I I know there was something

going on and now that I know exactly

what it is

I think the Oak Room here isn't the

right place for us to be what well for

one thing it's not really oak it needs

to be oak but then after the fire they

redid it with pine ain't you Michael

oh sure they did a nice job nobody

really knows the difference but do we

really want to pay $4 for cheesecake in

a place called the Oak Room that let's

just say it has no Oh

let's go to Phil's

not tonight I don't think I could handle

a chance encounter with anyone I know

come on this'll be fine Kim

I'm sorry I'm really really sorry I

thought you'd like a little party if

such a few friends 200 people who truly

care about you

hello I'm sure a lot of you have written

speeches for tonight but hey we all know

Jim so what's the point in a lot of old

stories there's a great fan next door at

the Jefferson lounge what do you say we

all head over there

okay then I'd like to welcome you to a

very special night we're here to honor

Jim dial a man we respect and care for

very much very very much

Hana McMurphy

ah you know there's a reason why they

made you the anchor because he's really

very good at what he does if Jim were

any more stoic we still like him okay I

guess it's someone else's turn

remember the briefer the better after

all the time you take simply takes time

away from others so why don't we start

off with Oh Corki yeah

tell the tire story Thank You Murphy it

is such a thrill to be up here honoring

Jim in his 25th year at the network oh I

know he can come across as rigid and

stiff but not in the bedroom just ask

his wife

how many of you here remember where you

were today Jim smile look at the two of

them huh Murphy Brown and Jim dial

better known as beauty and the deceased

to do what television commercials

actually I did see him on the tube even

to promoting a cemetery hi I'm not a

corpse but I play one on TV and it's

always great having Jim at the bar his

people something hanging their coats on

Jim actually started out as an actor

express play Italy in Romeo and Juliet

but the director had to replace when

Juliet insisted on killing herself at

the beginning of the play Jim was Hawaii

be chilly we stepped off the plane

immediately tied his lay into a Windsor

knot

okay okay it wasn't that funny anyway

this brings us to our last guest it's a

real honor to have him with us tonight

he's flown in specially for this

occasion one of our most noted names and

journalism ladies and gentlemen Irving R

Levine Jimenez we go way back I'm sure

when Irving thinks about all they've

been through together he has plenty of

warm memories you know Jim always told

me how very very much he admired you

just remember that Irving Thank You

Murphy if you don't mind I'd like to be

serious for a moment I'd like to say a

few words about a man who's a legend in

this business someone who is a model of

journalistic integrity and

respectability a man I'm proud to call

my friend but since David Brinkley

couldn't be here tonight

I'll just like a few shot to Jim I won't

say the Jim stiff but he does moonlight

at a dry cleaner as an ironing board

germ?n I play tennis together once he

was doing pretty well until he got a

cuff link caught in the net

and that voice the only timer ding

thanks for coming I'm not finished

it's late these people have to work

tomorrow I was just getting to my George

Bush material sit down Irving who died

and made you lesley stahl

this has been fun so thanks for coming

everyone and good night

well I guess you all think you're pretty

funny you're just wasting your time in

the news business why don't you go on

Star Search where you belong

are you laughing at break our brave

investigative reporter mr. daredevil why

don't you take a plane eat my candy

wouldn't you my eyes answer the haughty

duty and I should be elected to my quark

t-shirt with a woman whose idea could

literatures is a stop sign phil has

something to say about the way I look

Phil oh there's a man you'd like to see

naked

confirming our Lavigne Irving R Levine

my oldest friend I were to kill you

worthy are you gonna do bore me to death

fuckin shame you can all go to hell

I can't

I'd forgotten how beautiful the Lincoln

Memorial looked at night yes and very

peaceful at the dark quiet

and daylight breaks and tourists start

running up and down the steps taking

cameras dropping litter styrofoam cups

cigarette box a little foil ends of

lifesaver rolls that Brown licorice that

people buy because they think they're

going to like it but they don't so they

throw it on the ground how did you know

I come here he told me once it kills

remember it was the night we all got

together to celebrate the end of disco

he said you like to come here at the

feet of the great man and reflect on the

poetry and power of his words it was

after we drank the tequila shooters and

before we sang the Bill of Rights

you mind if I sit down if you like

Jessica

so it must be pretty mad at me huh you

know

unless it looked like an old fool up

there tonight you kidding you were a hit

there's talk of um seeing Mike Wallace's

roast you know Jim

asking people about their problems is in

my strong suit

I'm not much for talking about mine Jim

what do you think these tips are 40

degrees

it started a couple of months ago a

strange tightening in the chest and

shortness of breath then last week I

woke up in the middle of the night my

heart pounding so badly I had to ask

Doris to drive me to the doctor and good

news I wasn't having a heart attack

there's nothing physically wrong with me

I'm just going nuts isn't that a relief

I'm at the top of my profession I've

seen Wars dined with kings married

presidents I have friends who respect me

and a wife who loves me it seems like I

have it all doesn't it always seemed

that way to me Murphy it feels like all

the best years are behind me my passion

has been replaced by an anemic pride

that comes with a job well done on the

pat on the shoulder and gold watch

Murphy I want my passion back and get it

back Jim do something new find a hobby

like I'm no good with tools and I hate

to fish then travel write a book we've

been everywhere I tried writing jeez Jim

paint pictures of Elvis on velvet I said

I was no good at this okay we don't have

the answer now but we'll work on it

we'll get it I mean I've got a lot

riding on this you know you may not have

noticed but I know as you know anymore

my up-and-comer days are behind me so if

you're gonna tell me life ends at 50

then I'm gonna leave here go over a

sales order a double scotch and

chain-smoke because there's no point in

trying anymore if you don't believe that

life gets better do you get what I'm

saying Jim don't give up keep looking

for the passion just go for it oh god

did I say that I think that expression I

don't I've never used those three words

together new years 1979

well it's like I better get home grab a

couple hours of sleep come on I'll walk

you to your car

oh my the reflecting pool is certainly

beautiful it's like a mirror as if you

could walk on it you know I've often

wondered what it would feel like to go

wading in a reflecting pool but no not

Jim dial people would stare what would

they think what would they think Murphy

that you'd gone nuts or that you were

just feeling a little passionate about

water

but when it was retinic Iran no fair