Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 14 - iSpy - full transcript

Okay, gang.

Tonight, the Farewell
to VHS Festival continues.

It's been mighty cold
in here since "The Big Chill."

What say we warm
our hearts by...

"St. Elmo's Fire"?

Yes!

Couple of wine coolers
and some '80s Rob Lowe--

I can get into that.

I'm still holding out hope
I'll have plans tonight.

Great. Two for two.
Haley?

Oh, so fun, but
I'm gonna have to say no.



I have a photography-class thing.

What kind of a thing?

Oh, you know, just an exhibit,

like, to show our photos.

Is it something
that we should go to?

Claire, we just made plans.

Mom, this is a college class.

I'm not in the third grade.

Don't you have nap time there?

No. I have free periods,

during which I sometimes nap.

Is it me,

or was she just
being purposefully vague?

Alex, I want you
to go through her stuff



and find out about
this thing tonight.

Wait, wait.

I-I don't feel good
about us snooping.

I know.
That's why I told Alex to do it.

I think Haley knows
more than she's letting on.

It breaks my heart how badly
you want to believe that.

We'll see you guys later.

Where are you going?

Riding our bikes to Xander's.

What are you doing there?

I don't know.
Hanging out.

Sounds fun.
Wear your helmets.

We will.

I'm not writing my first novel
by blowing through a tube.

I don't like them going over
to that kid's house.

Why not?

Mm, Xander's a bad influence.

His older brother is even worse.

Huge Stoner always
walking around

in his army jacket
with his muscles,

flipping his hair
out of his blue eyes.

He told me I was
looking good one time.

I mean, come on.

Yeah, we'll keep
our eye on that.

But for now... Xander.
I don't trust him.

Claire, you're a tough one
to figure out.

You don't trust bad boys,
and yet you married one.

Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg

My handsome boy's so hungry.

All right.
Be back in a few.

If Shorty calls,
tell him I died,

but make sure
you really sell it.

It's a funny thing we're doing.

How is that funny?

I knew you'd say that.

Just don't answer the phone.
Bye, buddy.

What's all that about?

You mad at me or something?

I don't know.

Did you do something
to make me mad?

Because then I am.

But if you didn't,
then I am not.

I didn't do anything.

Then I am not mad.

I am mad.

Last night, Jay had a sexy dream
about some woman.

Baby.

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby!

And I know it wasn't about me,

because he knows that I hate
when men call me baby.

And, yes, people are allowed
their private thoughts,

and I shouldn't be so angry,

but I am Latin,
so I get to feel whatever I want.

You want to tell me what I did?

Do you want to tell me
what you did?

I don't know what I did.

Then I don't know
what you did.

I'm bored. I'm going.

Don't forget your phone.

I got a bruise on my arm.

I don't know where it came from.

Oh, poor baby.

And then I realized

I don't want to work
for Charlie anymore.

What I really want --

I'm sorry. I can't listen to this.

I need to tell you something,

but you have
to keep it a secret.

Of course. I'm a lawyer.

I've heard murder confessions.

- Really?
- Well, in --

in mock trials at law school.

But still, I never told anyone.

Seriously, this is only for you.

You can't even tell Cam.
Promise?

Uh, okay.

Is everything all right?

Look under the table.

Above the ankle, below the knee,
what do you see?

I'm a little nervous about this,
but --

Oh, oh, my gosh! You didn't?

I did. Calf implants.

Wow, and you really
went for it, didn't you?

No, no, no.
They're still swollen.

And that's why
you're wearing sweat pants.

Okay, I was --

I was afraid you'd just given up.

So, whew!

They'll settle.

I'm gonna start casually referencing
my new workout plan,

and then I'm gonna debut them

Memorial Day at Laguna Beach.

I personally don't think
that you needed them,

but if they make you happy --

- They do.
- Good.

I always wanted to be

one of those guys
running in tights,

but I was too embarrassed
about my legs.

Well, if you'd just gone running --

Yep. You're overthinking this, Mitchell.

No joke, you can't tell Cam.

I love him, but he is
a giant blabbermouth.

Oh, come on.
He's not that bad.

He just -- yeah, no,
I can't even sell that.

Jay, to what do I owe the pleasure?

I'm just here to pick up Manny.

No need for a whole thing.

I don't know why
I do that to him.

The guy's always
so happy to see me.

I'm not gonna worry about it.

Manny's not here.

He actually went with Luke
over to Xander's.

Whoa! Manny didn't tell you
he was going either?

I told you, those boys
are being cagey.

There is a chance

Gloria let me drive over here
for nothing as punishment.

I think she snooped on my phone,

read some of my e-mails.

That's not cool.
E-mails are private.

They were from a friend
I loaned money to.

- 100% your prerogative.
- A woman.

Oh, no.

Well, I'll tell you what I'd do.

I'd tell my lady,

"you got no business
being in my business."

Respect your man's boundaries.

Honey, you promised

you'd clean the pan
if you made brownies.

Well, maybe I forgot
to spray it first

and I'm letting it soak, woman.

He only talks like this
when you're around.

Well, then, he's done for the day.

Oh, okay. Good.

- Bye, dad.
- See ya...Buddy.

I have tracked Luke's cellphone,

and he is nowhere near
his friend Xander's.

Honey, I love technology
as much as the next wozniak,

but are we sure we want
to be spying on our kids?

No, and you also
shouldn't try to friend us

with fake Facebook profiles,

Margot Lacroix.

I was really hoping some

of this would go away
when you got a job.

How about I just ask him?

Oh, man.

I wish you were my dad.

The things I would have done.

- Hello?
- Hey, buddy.

Just making sure
you got to Xander's okay.

Yep. All good.

Really? 'Cause I hear traffic...

and Xander lives
on a pretty quiet street, right?

Actually, we left Xander's,

and now we're at Sammy's.

Well, that makes perfect sense.

You have fun. Be safe.

He's lying.

Look. His friend Sammy lives here.

He's all the way over
on Olympic and 20th.

Olympic and 20th?

Yeah

That's the old salvage yard

where kids go to get high.

- What?!
- No.

Oh, we are going there right now.

Wait, wait. Are you sure?

I'm gonna answer,
and then I'm gonna walk away.

Deal?

Okay.

I'm 420% sure.

Wow, she's bad at math.

Hey, guys.

Hi, daddy.

How was lunch?

Oh, it was fine.

Hey, when did salmon become
a thing that we put on salad?

2008 in the city,
2011 in the suburbs.

How was Brett?
What's the drama du jour?

Nothing.

Oh, please.
It's never nothing with that one.

His perm, the stalker
he pretends to have,

nobody will date you
when you work at the I.R.S.

I hate it.
What was it this time?

No, seriously, nothing.

I guess it is nice to have something
other than chicken

to throw on there.

Okay, why are you
being so evasive?

I'm not being evasive. I--

check out this new tie.

Oh, my gosh.

You are redirecting me,

like we do when
Lily asks us a question

we don't want to answer

and just throw a doll in her face.

Wait a minute.

Don't be ridiculous.

Like I could do that
with an adult.

Check out what I got for you.

Oh, good, yes.
A garlic press.

I am so tired of my fingers smell--

Oh, my gosh. You did it again.

- What's that?
- Oh, it's got to be good.

- What?!
- Tell me.

- No, nothing.
- Tell me.

- There's nothing to tell!
- Tell me.

- There's nothing to tell!
- Tell me, tell me,

tell me, tell me.

Here. Answer me.

How does Santa Claus
get to all of those houses?

Okay, sweetie,
the adults are talking right now,

and look what daddy brought you.

Mitchell, when somebody
tells me something,

I can't wait to get home
and tell you.

Don't you feel the same?

Of course I do.

But he -- he made me promise.

Well, you know what?
We don't have to share secrets.

We don't.

We already share a house, a life,

a daughter.

You know what? I don't --

I don't know why I care so much.

Okay, all right, okay.

He got calf implants.

Oh, my God!
Oh, what do they look like?

Like he's smuggling two grapefruits.

Which, by the way,
were also on my salad.

Okay, this is huge.
This is huge.

Who all knows?
We have to host a brunch.

Don't you dare tell
a single person, okay?

He made me promise not to tell anyone,
especially you.

- Especially me?
- Oh, please.

Everybody knows you're
terrible at keeping secrets.

Okay, well, I didn't know
that was my reputation.

Maybe that's a secret people
have been keeping from me.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Well, you did.

And you know
what the sad thing is?

We could be laughing at someone's
calf implants right now.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm just watching you sleep.

You look so pretty.

Okay, but don't breathe so loud.

Hey, where are you going?!

I can't find a way in.

I can't see anything,

but I hear them laughing.

And you know why kids laugh.

Because their hearts are
filled with joy, not suspicion?

We have got to see
what is going on in there.

Get the drone thing out of the car.

That "thing" is a professional
aerial-photography tool

for real-estate use only!

You used it at the beach
to film yourself doing sand angels.

For my "Phil Dunphy will get you

a heavenly deal
on a beach house" video.

A professional real-estate tool!

That was the consensus.

Hey, Alex.
What did you find out?

Okay, this is a bigger deal
than Haley let on.

Only five people in her class

were picked to show
their photographs,

and Haley was one of them.

Amazing!

Are there more than
five people in the class?

Yes. That's the first thing I checked.

Wow, then we really do have to be there.

Call Uncle Mitchell and grandpa
and see if they can join us.

She didn't catch you snooping,
did she?

No. She's taking a nap.

She's been taking
a lot more naps lately.

See what you can
find out about that.

This is so wrong.

Eh, well, desperate times
call for desperate --

What is on your head?

It provides glare protection,
but apparently not from you.

Let's just do this.

We are airborne.

Expertly navigating the wires.

You're right.

We have cleared the wall.
Approaching target.

There they are.

What are they doing?

They're jumping around on stuff.

Do you see anything suspicious,
like, um --

like smoke or paraphernalia, nachos?

No, they're filming each other

and moving around like zombies.

Honey, they're not getting high.

They're making a movie...
without me!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Then why would Luke have lied

about going to Sammy's, huh?

Honey, look.

Oh, God.

Well, he's still our little boy.

Oh, we got to get out of here.

He cannot know
we were spying on him.

- Come on.
- Too late.

It's too late.
They're pointing at the drone.

- What?
- We're compromised!

Get out, get out!

I can't leave the drone!

It belongs to the office!

They're still mad at me for writing

on the dry-erase board
with a permanent marker!

Get in the car.

Go, go, go!

What was that thing?

Somebody was filming us.

Hey, my dad has one of those.

I know what's going on here.

A movie studio is trying
to steal our idea!

Spielberg.

I told you guys, zombie parkour
is a million-dollar idea.

I still don't get it.
Zombies don't move well.

Vampires, maybe.

Plus, there's your title --
"Vam-par-kour."

I don't hear it.

Look at that.

That's how I like to be greeted
when I come home!

It turns out Manny's hanging
with his friends today,

so I didn't need
to go pick him up.

Oh, right. So sorry.
I forgot to tell you.

But, then, you don't
tell me everything,

so I guess it's okay.

You got a lot of nerve.

You are the one who went
through my emails on my phone.

What are you talking about?
No, I didn't.

So you're not mad at me for
something you found on my phone?

No.

All right, then. Great.

No harm, no foul.

I'll see you at dinner.

Give me that phone!

I want to see what you're hiding!

I'm not hiding anything.

I don't even know
how to use the damn thing.

Oh, look.
I accidentally dialed Alex.

Let me say hi to her.
The kid idolizes me.

Hi, hon.

Hi, grandpa.

Real quick, how do I delete
e-mails on my phone?

Well, first, you have
to check your inbox,

your trash folder,
and your sent folder.

People often forget
about the sent folder.

Trust me, you get
pretty adept at this

when you have to stay one step

ahead of your snooping mother.

Give me the phone.

Got to go.

Uh, yeah, sure.
I-I-I have nothing on here.

Let me just disconnect
from grandpa,

which is not happening right now.

I can see what you're doing, Alex.

Why did just delete
a text from Uncle Mitchell?

I didn't!

Shouldn't you be more worried

that Haley has a nurse's
uniform in her closet?!

I can only handle
one thing at a time.

- Hey, Claire.
- Hey, Mitchell.

Why would Alex delete
a text from you off her phone?

I'm not answering that question.

People's phones
are their own business.

What?

I got to go. Give me your phone.

No. Why?

Because you're texting someone

and you look very guilty right now.

Or I'm playing "Words with Friends"

with Longines.

None of those words better be
"calf" or "implants."

Oh, my gosh.
Here. You know what?

Take my phone...

and admit that you don't trust me,

your fiance,
and co-father of your daughter.

Go ahead.

Push the button.

I'm good. No, I'm fine. I trust you.

Oh, my gosh!

Hey, guys.

You want some red stuff
that reminds you of wine?

- Sure.
- Yep, I do.

So, when's this exhibit open?

I don't know.
Maybe the details are in Jay's phone.

But I hope not,

because everything
is very secret on there.

Don't know if you caught
that subtle cue.

She's mad at me.

He did something very terrible

that he doesn't want me
to know about.

"Very terrible"?

Until you tell me what it is,

I'm gonna think
the worst possible thing,

like maybe you killed somebody.

But you don't have
the stomach for that, do you?

Thank you so much for coming.

I know how busy you all are
with work and errands

and snarking about me
on your cellphone.

Let it go, Claire.

Honestly, Phil,
I don't know how you do it.

I don't know how you do it.

Compromise and compassion.

- Yeah.
- She wasn't really asking you.

Hey, hey! Here comes Luke.

What do we say
we were doing today?

When has Luke ever showed
any interest in what we do?

Okay, but be cool.

If he finds out you were
tracking his phone,

he'll think we don't trust him.

Ooh. Plus, then
I could never do it again.

Hey, guys!

What's up?

How was your day?

It was fine, you know?

We don't know.
How would we know?

Oh, we just mean what did you do?

Not like, what did you do?

And we're just like,
"Hey, what -- what'd you do?"

You guys are acting weird.

No, we're not. You are.

What did you do today?

- We just stayed home
- We went shopping.

Online shopping at home for pants.

We both needed pants.

I told you he was gonna ask.

Wait a minute.

Was that your drone today?

Were you spying on us?

I'm sorry.
Your mom made me do it.

She thought you were smoking grass.

- Grass?
- Claire. No one says grass.

I never said grass.

It's not that crazy an idea.

We weren't smoking anything.

Manny would never.

Thank you, mom.

He's so judgy about those things.

The only reason why
I walk that stupid dog

is so that I can smoke
my cigars in peace.

I can't believe
you were spying on us.

You have to stop
being so suspicious, Claire.

It's okay to trust people.

Some people.
Other people, who knows?

You turn your back for one second,

and they have a whole other family

on the bad side of town.

You are my other family
from the bad side of town.

Look, I can't stand this all night.

I loaned someone money, Gloria.

I didn't consult you.
I knew you'd be pissed.

She's just a friend.

"She"?

Is this the woman

that you've been
dreaming about at night,

that you've been making
the sexy noises and saying,

"Baby, baby"?

What the hell
are you talking about?! No?!

Then prove it!
Give me the phone!

Honestly, you people --

and by that, I mean
straight people are ridiculous!

Everyone's entitled
to a little bit of privacy.

Says the guy who forced me to

tell him our friend's secret.

Okay, that's different.

That was gossip,

- and gossip belongs to everyone.
- Okay.

Just keep your nose out
of other people's phones.

You either trust them
or you don't.

Give me that.

- Ha! Yes.
- Give it back. Give it --

No, but you can have mine,

'cause I have nothing to hide.

I'll take that.

Oh, my God.
Mom, no, please, stop.

Here, here.
Wait. Let me help you.

It's crazy, right?

Ha ha. No, I knew it.

"L.O.L.

Do you think Brett
likes his coffee black

or with calf-and-calf?"

Okay, I admit it.
I have a problem.

But I only told one person.
It was too juicy.

And Crispin said
he wouldn't tell anyone.

This is from Longines.

Oh, that lying Crispin.
Give me that.

I cannot believe
he betrayed my trust.

Now Pepper's chiming in.

Jackals, all of them.

Oh, that Pepper.

Oh, my g--

Uncle Mitchell was helping you
get me a birthday present?

Yeah, I wanted
to make you dinner

and get you a nice bottle of wine,

the one he served at New Year's

you said you liked.

Ooh, I did like that wine.

I'm sorry I ruined the surprise.

You should be.

What did you think
I was doing, anyways?

Give me some credit.

Oh, well, then, maybe
we could just call it even,

since he typed,
"I'm just surprised

she remembered coming
to my house that night."

To which you responded,
"bahahahahahaha"

with like five exclamation points.

Seems fair.

Did you find what
you were looking for?

No.

She's a waitress at the club.

Her boyfriend crashed her car,
so I helped her,

because we have that fun game
where I order salad

and she brings me French fries.

But I never dreamt of her.

Last night, I had a nightmare.

Joe got out onto a ledge
of a tall building.

I couldn't get to him.

I was very upset,

and I think I might have cried
a little in my sleep,

which might have sounded
like sex to you,

which I don't love.

But that's the "baby"
I was talking about.

Really?

That's scary.

Yes!

Why in God's name

would I need to dream
about another woman?

Now that you say it out loud,

it does seem kind of crazy.

I'm not proud of this,
but the dream wasn't about Joe.

It was about this
little baby right here.

That's right.

You almost fell off a ledge,
and daddy was so scared.

Oh, my gosh. It's us!

All over the place.

I don't know how I feel about this.

Okay, okay, now, see --
look how much you gossip.

Haley managed
to capture it on film.

And look at you,
smiling ear to ear.

You know you love it
when I give you the dirt.

Oh, which reminds me,

guess who got kicked out
of a hotel bar

for making unwanted advances
at the waitstaff?

I don't want to know.
It's none of my business.

Okay.

Jotham. Zaniel. Sal.

Just tell me!

I don't know.

Good God, look at
those lines on my face.

When did I get so old?

Their smile lines because
you're holding your son

who you love, who you had
to protect in your dream.

She is a great photographer,

even though it's embarrassing

that everyone's staring
at my six-pack.

She is really good.

Have you seen my photo?

Has Gloria seen this?

Gloria see what?

I think I look good.

Wow. She didn't even
see me in there.

Oh, my God!
What are you guys doing here?!

Alex invited us.

You? How did you know
where this was?

Uh, the flier fell out
of your backpack.

Liar.

Mom made me.

We came to be supportive.

I told you not to come here.
This is such a violation!

She just did it to me, too.

She read my texts.

That's nothing.

She totally used a drone
to spy on me.

Use of the drone
was completely justified.

- What is wrong with you?!
- What are you talking about?

All right, knock it off.

You have no idea how hard
it is to be a parent,

to figure out what's going on
with your kid

when all you get
is a grunt or a "fine"

or a flick of the hair.

It's my job to protect you

and make sure
you're making good choices.

And if I step over the line
every now and again

when I'm doing that, tough.

Knowing you're safe
is the only thing

that lets me sleep at night.

I thought it was the wine.

Congratulations, Haley.

For what?

Someone just bought your photo

of this beautiful lady.

First one sold.

Oh, my God!

Someone paid for something
that I made! Me!

I am so psyched
we were here for this!

Me too!

Now you're glad we're here, huh?

I got to admit,

that's a gorgeous picture of you.

I'm in it, too, dad.

Sync by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg