Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - Diamond in the Rough - full transcript

Haley! Hurry up.

You don't have much time, and I
made chocolate chip pancakes.

Mom, I'm not 12.
Dibs on hers.

Honey, you excited
about your first day?

You know what?
I really am.

There's something about going to work
that makes you feel like you're-

I don't know-
worth something.

No offense, Mom.

Listen.
I wanna give you some advice.

Do it fast.
She's gonna be late.

Work hard.
Uh-huh.



Keep your eye on the ball.

Stay focused.

Never-

- Check it out. Cam in overalls.
- Oh.

Mitchell sent me the same text.

Why "Look what you've done"?

Oh, because Cam is helping me
out with that baseball field,

and Mitchell hates it
when he gets all farmed up.

His turn-offs are farm, Fizbo
and worst of all, Farmbo.

Hey! Howdy, life partner.

Well, I gotta go. Don't
wanna be late for my first-

Oh, my God! Why didn't you
guys tell me the time?

So, what do you think?

Can we turn this into a baseball field?
Oh, yeah. No problem.



You know, back on the farm, I once turned an
acre of corn into a snowflake-shape maze.

Still be there if our neighbor
Billy-Bob Sheinberg...

hadn't seen it from his crop duster
and said it looked like a swastika.

Hmm.

So how good's
Luke's team anyway?

Well, you may have seen them on YouTube
under "Boy stuck in batting helmet"...

or "Pitcher beans self."

But a few of them went through
puberty early this year, so-

They say it's because of
hormones in our milk,

but whatever it is,
they really jacked up.

Luke and Manny's team tied for
the final spot in the play-offs,

but since nobody was expecting
it, all the fields were booked.

The other team wanted to settle
with a coin flip.

We said rock, paper, scissors.
That's when talks broke down.

So what do you do
when you can't find a field?

You build one.
And we got the last laugh.

'Cause guess what I found there?
Rocks, paper and scissors.

- I see home plate up here.
- Mm-hmm.

I see pitcher's mound in here.

And I see little boys' dreams
coming true ever here.

I found a dead snake.
It's perfect.

Not dead! Not dead!

I'm gonna be
mother of the year.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey♪ ♪

And this is our dining room,
where we eat.

And this is our kitchen,
where we also eat.

Who are you talking to? It
looks like you lost your tour.

Or your mind.

The baby.

Shorty's girlfriend, Darlene,
sent it to me.

She said it's for
prenatal bonding.

I love it. We took a tour
of the house.

We took a look at all my shoes.

Come on, Jay. Say something to the baby.
Darlene's an idiot.

Oh, yeah, beautiful. Your first words
to our baby: "Darlene is an idiot."

This is stupid.
The baby's only two inches away.

He doesn't need speakers
blasting at him.

Like in restaurants nowadays, where
you can't even hear yourself think.

Ah, you're gonna do whatever
you want. Why do I bother?

Get used to that. Sometimes you
just gotta let him go.

Then he eats some sherbet
and falls asleep.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'll chalk the field
with this bad boy.

And while you're doing that, I will get the bases.
We make such a good team.

Why does your friend
have a chalker?

Oh, he used it to propose
to a skywriter.

Oh, ma'am? Ma'am, do you
need help with that?

Oh, yes, please.

Is this your house?

I'm moving in with my son.

Oh.
He's rich.

Phone-by-the-toilet
rich.

Oh. Great. Have you
lived here a long time?

I moved here in '62
to be an actress.

I had one line
In a Rockford Files.

"He went out the back."

Oh.
Who went out the back?

That was you. Okay.

Well, you're all set here.

You're not interested
in the place, are you?

Oh, no, thank you.
Yes, we are.

Yes. Yes, we are.

Come on. Okay.

You gotta keep your eyes open.

It's not natural when a ball
is hurtling at your face.

- Will you choke up a little?
- Probably when they play the national anthem.

No, move your hands up the bat.

"When they play
the national anthem."

I had a perfect record:

Twenty-two games, and I hadn't
played a single inning.

Then the McCoy twins'
grandma dies,

and suddenly I'm starting
at right field.

What does that even mean?
Is it the same as stage right?

All right, ready?
Nice and easy.

I haven't even thrown it yet.

Then it's your fault.
I'm doing my part.

Forget it. We need to do
something different.

Let's change your stance.
Try leaning in.

Further.

Now close your eyes.

Ow!
Ah. Perfect!

You think you can
do that every time?

What, get hit on purpose?

If you wanna get on base
and be a hero.

Some men are born
into greatness.

Others have it chucked
at their face.

- Ow.
- Yes!

Okay, Mrs. Brooks.

Thank you very much.
We'll be in touch very soon.

- Say it one more time.
- "He went out the back."

- Ah. Love it. Love it!
- Brava. Brava.

Bye-bye.

What do you think, Phil? Well,
I have to admit, it's a steal.

Yes! Yes! I told you.

And you said Gil Thorpe makes
a killing flipping houses.

Yeah, he brags about it
all the time.

Every time he makes a sale,
he calls himself Flipper...

and walks around making
this dolphin sound, like-

How does he do it?
I hate him so much.

Look, if the four of us go in on this
together, we can minimize the risk.

Or if none of us do it, we can
eliminate the risk altogether...

because none of you know
anything about flipping houses.

Well, we already
have it figured out.

I'm gonna be the designer because
I know about colors and shapes.

Yeah, so does Lily.

I'm gonna be the contractor.

And I'm gonna be the astronaut.
Oh, this is fun. Phil, you go.

Mitchell, I am serious. I have
overseen lots of projects in our home.

I oversaw the remodel of our
bathroom-under budget. Right, Phil?

I was a little disappointed we didn't go for
the butt-washing toilet, but otherwise-

You can wash your own butt for free.
That's not the same, is it?

This is all fun to
talk about. It is.

But I don't think that you understand
what this could really entail, and it-

Okay, there it is. Mitchell
just said "no," so we're done.

Surprise, surprise.

Listen, we'll talk about
this at home, okay? Mmm.

Don't give up.

Phil, you think
it's a good idea, right?

Totally. Yes. And you know
we can handle it, right?

I think you guys can
handle anything. Aw.

Yeah. Then you go talk to him. You're
a professional. He respects you.

- Give us some space. I'll go talk him into it.
- All right.

- All right?
- Okay.

Listen. There's no way we're letting
them do this. I know, right?

They are not equipped
to take this on.

We might as well flush all our
savings down my boring old toilet.

You are really bitter
about that.

It's the one thing I asked for.
Don't sit on your sunglasses.

Sorry, guys.

Whoops.
Just to be clear though.

Under no circumstances
are we letting 'em do this?

I am totally with you.

Okay, you stay here.
I'll go break the bad news.

Sorry, guys.
Not gonna happen.

Yeah, well, maybe if-
I would drop it.

It is not worth the fight.
Come on, Claire.

The faster we leave, the less
it's gonna hurt. Hop in. Yep.

Why does it
have to be like this?

I don't know. He's your brother.
Buckled up? Good.

Oh, no, no, no! No, no.
I see what you're doing!

He doesn't want this either!

Little radio?
Sure.

♪ ♪ Phil! Claire!

Come on!

It's such a shame, because I know we
would do a great job on that house.

Totally. If Gil Thorpe can
do it, I can do it, right?

Please!

Please. Gil Thorpe has
decades of experience...

and infallible instincts.

As much as we'd all like
to believe otherwise,

I did not marry Gil Thorpe.

Can you imagine that?

God, we'd sell a lot of houses.

- Oh. Great.
- Mitchell.

You know what, Claire? You gotta cool down
or you're just gonna make this worse.

Why don't you go get the
coffees, and I'll deal with him.

Well, what are you
gonna say to him?

I'm just gonna talk to him
man-to-man.

Uh-All right.
Okay.

Hello?

Claire, Phil doesn't want
the house either, all right?

He's letting me take the fall.
He's a liar.

And a clever one.

How long do you think
you can keep this from her?

I'm gonna talk to her
eventually.

Well, as long as we're swapping
stories, maybe I'll tell Cam...

what happened to the sweater
he knit for you.

I can't. I can't.
I can't. I can't do it.

I can't take
this stupid thing anymore!

It was stolen out of the car.
Do you understand me?

Got it.

That is low.

I know. Don't be mad at me. That said,
I suggest you lose this number.

I'm not proud of what I did,

but I'm not comfortable
squashing people's dreams.

I am a cheerleader.

I'm the guy on top of the pyramid
shouting, "Go, dreams, go!"

You know what's not a cheer?

Two, four, six, eight!

You are going to fail at this and lose
everything we've worked for, Claire!

Hush,
little baby

Don't say a word

Papa's going to buy
you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird
won't sing

Papa's gonna buy you
a diamond ring

Papa'd buy 10 diamond rings to get
that mockingbird to shut the hell up.

But I wasn't gonna tell Gloria
she was a terrible singer.

That's just taking a bath
with a toaster.

Still, the thought of that poor little
thing stuck in there like a hostage,

listening to that racket
days on end.

I just couldn't take it.

And if that billy
goat won't push

Papa's gonna kill
the billy goat

I'll tell you what
Papa's gonna do.

He's gonna take a turn on that mike.
Ay, really?

Yeah. I've been thinking, if it's a
chance to bond, I should take it.

Ay, Jay, that's great.

I think that
the sound of my voice...

shouldn't be the only thing
that the baby should hear.

Same page.

Breaker, breaker, Big Jay.
Baby, what's your 20? Over.

Ay, that's so cute. You sound like Smokey
and the Bandido. Go on. Go on.

Hi, kid. This is
your dad, Jay Pritchett.

Uh, we're all pretty excited to meet you.
Just a heads-up-

I might be a few years older
than you're expecting.

But on the plus side,
we're very comfortable.

What's that? Nothin'?

Tough womb.

What are you doing in there? You sleepin'?

Are you sleeping?

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Still Daddy's turn.

Dumb, dumb rock!

Hey. Are you cryin'?

No. No. I just
can't get this rock to budge.

Okay, what did we learn
from A League of Their Own?

No crying in baseball.

No. That Madonna's a lousy
actress, and so are you.

- What's really going on?
- Okay.

You know, over the last couple of months,
I've applied for, like, five different jobs.

I didn't know that.
No.

I didn't tell anyone because
I didn't get them, Cam.

I went to college, you know?

And... I just want to be able to
contribute to my kids' education.

And I want to be able to buy my
husband a present with my own money.

Hey, you're preaching
to the choir director.

It's actually why I became a
choir director.

You became a part-time teacher
in a public school for money?

I make more than you do. I
mean, before parking. But-

Look, I'm sorry Mitchell
killed our house dream.

You know, now especially that I know you wanted
to use the money for such noble reasons.

Yeah.

And also...

there was this pair of boots.

There's always a pair of boots.

Mitchell, do you know
what I've realized?

That some thoughts
are better left unexpressed?

No. That in this relationship, I'm the
gas pedal, and you're the brakes.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Last week you said that
you were the painting and I was the frame.

That's if we were artwork.
This is if we were a car.

I know what part you'd be
if we were a horse.

- Excuse me?
- Hmm?

Claire and I bring you this great
opportunity, and you stop it cold.

I guess that's what brakes do.

You know what brakes also do? They
keep you from driving off cliffs.

Maybe they're not cliffs.

Maybe they're ramps ready to launch
us into new, exciting vistas.

I am not the only one against this whole house thing.
Phil doesn't want it either.

You keep saying that, but I find
that very, very hard to believe.

Phil supports Claire.
Phil is a cheerleader.

Why can't you be
more like Phil?

And then it hit me.
I could be exactly like Phil.

I could pretend to be on board, forcing
the cheerleader to be the bad guy.

I know it's underhanded,
but that's the way I throw.

Mitchell? You-You know what?
You've convinced me.

If you and Claire and especially Phil
are into this, then I'm on board.

What? Seriously?
Yes! 100%.

In fact, why don't you call Claire
and Phil right now and tell them?

Okay. It was the ramp thing, wasn't it?
You know, I felt really good about it.

What?
Are you serious?

That's fantastic!
Oh! I gotta tell Phil.

I'll call you right back.
What's-What's up?

Mitchell changed his mind.
He's all for it.

We're flipping a house!

Yeah!

Well, hello, Phil. To what
do I owe this pleasure?

Cut the crap. You wanna play chicken?
Chicken's my middle name.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

I'm just being supportive
of my partner and my sister,

both of whom I love very much.

How do you sleep at night?

Soundly, knowing you'll do
the right thing.

So how about it, Phil?

You gonna stop this train?
'Cause these brakes are out.

Oh. And I suggest
you lose this number.

Mitchell?

Mitchell!

Yeah, I was pretty ticked off that
Mitchell double-crossed my double-cross.

Then he stopped taking my calls, and so I
sent him the following carefully worded text:

"You suck."

I could tell Phil felt pretty hurt
and betrayed, so I responded:

"How are you gonna cheerlead your
way out of this one, Buffy?"

"We both know this house thing
is a disaster."

"Then say something or I will.
I don't care if you tell Cam"-

"I threw out
that hideous sweater"?

I spent months knitting that
"hideous" sweater.

Yeah.
How are we seeing this?

They're using the group text
from yesterday.

They have no idea these are
even coming to me. Okay.

Oh! Here's another one.

"We need to shut this house thing
down without them knowing it's us"?

Oh! Well.

"Too late."

Uh-oh.

Oh! No, that-
That's bad.

Claire, I am so sorry. I know I should've
been more honest with you, but I-

No, Phil. You know
what really kills me?

Is you didn't believe in me, and you
believe in everything!

You know, I knew
that sweater wasn't stolen.

And here I pick blue yarn
to match your eyes,

but I should've picked black
to match your heart.

- Although you look amazing in black.
- Damn you.

Come on.

"...leaving 17 dead
and thousands without power."

Ay, Jay, please!

It's bad that the baby listens
to such terrible things.

It's heard worse.

Jay, do you know a good
one-hour dry cleaner?

And I don't mean the "Must be in by 10:00,
only on weekdays, you need a coupon" kind.

I mean a hard one hour.

This conversation
feels like a hard one hour.

And what do you need it
cleaned for? It's spotless.

There's mustard here
from Reuben's Reuben.

That's what happens when you put a
narcissist in charge of snack day.

Okay, it's my turn again.

Baby, it's your mother again-
Gloria?

Why don't we give him a break?

He probably needs a minute because he
just learned about a deadly tornado.

Okay, stop calling him a he.

What if he's a she,
and you're making her upset?

I told you. That's just
the shorthand I'm using.

Don't jump down my throat every time-Ay, yeah.
Because you always-

What are you doing?

Do you really want your unborn baby
to hear you fighting like this?

Studies show it's unhealthy for a fetus
to be exposed to a stressful environment.

Studies? You're 13.
Read a comic book.

What time does your game start?

I have to be there at 3:00
for hitting practice.

Batting practice.

Not for me.

Jay, I don't want our baby to think
that he's coming into an unhappy home.

Let's promise that we're never ever
going to fight in front of him.

- No fighting in front of the baby.
- Okay, good.

Twinkle, twinkle,
little lamb

Gloria, stop it! Stop it.
I am going-

No more singing.
Why?

Because you stink.

You're a terrible singer.

Come on.
Let's get some lunch.

- How dare do you tell me that I am-
- Ah, ah, ah, ah!

No, no, no. No fighting in front of the baby.
We just made a deal.

Yeah, but that's not fair because
I am always in front of the baby!

Gloria, you're as close
to perfect as a woman gets.

Nothing wrong with
one tiny little flaw.

Yours is when you start to sing, it sounds like
something got stuck in the vacuum cleaner.

That's your-Ah, ah, ah!
No, no, no.

That is just your
stupid, stupid opinion, Jay.

But I am very angry at you,
and I am gonna make a list...

of all the things that I am
going to scream at you...

as soon as this baby
is out of me.

I didn't think it
all the way through.

Oh, hello, Mitch.

You got Claire flowers? Yes. I had
a little bit of a rough night.

Yeah, you and me both.

Daddy slept in my room
last night.

Here. Give me some of those.
What? No.

You got me into this. Hey, stop!
You're breaking 'em!

I'm not going to Cam empty-handed!
Phil, let go of the-

Whoa.

Ow! Hold still!

Claire and Cam did all this?

A week ago, that was all junk.

It's amazing. I mean, there's that little
bump in the middle, but other than that-

Even if one of those boys
had hit five home runs,

the biggest star
on that field was Claire.

That's the funny thing
about marriage.

You fall in love with this
extraordinary person,

and over time,
they begin to seem ordinary.

I think it's all the nagging.

Wow. This-
This is incredible.

You literally saw
a diamond in the rough.

Yeah, but I take on a lot of
projects no one else is willing to.

I deserve that.
Mm-hmm.

I was an idiot for doubting you.
Please, honey, forgive me.

How could I not, when you give me
this bouquet of crumpled flowers?

Mitchell did that!
Mitchell again?

Ask Lily!

Hey, Cam.
Hey.

Here you-Okay.
Well-

Oh, wow. Broken and mangled.
Mm-hmm.

Just like my heart.

Cam, I'm sorry
for not supporting you.

What about the sweater?
That's unforgivable.

You put all that time and work into it,
and I just toss it out the car window.

Tossed it out the car window? I'm
forgetting how much you knew.

You know what, guys?
Honestly, I-I-

I think we should do it. I think
we should go for the house.

Okay, but careful, honey. Don't say
something if you don't mean it.

No, I do mean it. I think you
two will do a fantastic job.

You know, I do too.
I'm on board.

- On board for what?
- Well, the four of us might go in on a house.

Claire and I fix it up
and flip it.

- That's the worst idea I ever heard.
- Okay.

You guys know nothing
about construction.

You'll make all sorts
of mistakes.

You'll turn on each other.
You'll stop talking.

And suddenly I'm doing two
dinners a week instead of one...

because you can't be
in the same room.

Family and business
doesn't mix.

Ah, you're gonna do whatever
you want. Why do I bother?

Is he right?

You know Dad.
I mean, he's a pessimist.

I want us to get that house. I do.
But I don't want us to fight.

- We're not gonna fight.
- Of course not.

Probably.

I don't know. Will we?

Maybe we just take a beat
and think about it.

Yeah. I-I guess that couldn't hurt.
Yeah.

You guys mean the world to us. I don't
want to jeopardize that over a house.

We feel the same way.
Yeah.

You know what?
I know we'd do a good job though.

Hello?
And I have so many-

It's Mrs. Brooks,
the lady with the house.

Actually, it's good
that you called.

What?
What happened?

Gil Thorpe just made her
an offer.

We did it!
We bought a house.

It's gonna be great!

What could go wrong?
Nothing.

Sometimes I don't
understand people.

They do crazy things
for the dumbest reasons.

I'm going to march out there
and swing as hard as I can.

And if every sports movie is correct,
I'm going to smack that ball,

and everyone will chant my name
as I round the bases.

By the way, is it always
counterclockwise, or do I get to choose?

I don't think
it's gonna matter.

They convince themselves
it'll all work out.

Please rise
for the national anthem.

I'm gonna show you
who can sing.

Gloria. Hmm.

Oh, this is gonna be rough.

Despite all the evidence
to the contrary.

O say can you see

By the dawn's early light?

Which I guess isn't so bad.

And the rocket's red glare!

All I'm saying is, I hope to God you
don't have your mother's singing voice.

But, man, I hope you get
her self-confidence.

Try to get some sleep.
I'll talk to you in the morning.

Two outs, bottom of the sixth.
Tied at 4.

This is it, folks.

The whole game comes
down to this.

Manny Delgado, 0
for 3 on the day.

Gloria, your thoughts?

I think he's going to hit
the home run.

Please, God, give me one.

Manny, stand up straight!

But bend your knees.

Widen your stance!

Would you please let me ju-

- Ooh!
- Take your base!

You did it! Run, Manny!
I did it? Yeah!

No, no, no, no! Not that way!
Go this way! Why do I bother?

He's gonna do what he wants.

Manny! Manny! Manny!

Manny! Manny! Manny!