Maude (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 10 - Maude's Musical - full transcript

(music playing)

♪ Lady Godiva was
a freedom rider ♪

♪ She didn't care if the
whole world looked ♪

♪ Joan of Arc with
the Lord to guide her ♪

♪ She was a sister
who really cooked ♪

♪ Isadora was the
first bra burner ♪

♪ Ain't you glad
she showed up? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And when the country
was falling apart ♪

♪ Betsy Ross got
it all sewed up ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪



♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ That uncompromisin',
enterprisin' ♪

♪ Anything but tranquilizin',
right on, Maude ♪

♪ Something familiar,
something peculiar... ♪

Walter, Carol,

when the music
stops, you come out.

Energy, ladies, energy. Energy.

♪ Something for everyone,
a comedy tonight ♪

Walter, Carol, that's your cue.



Come on out.

Wow wow wee wow wow.

Oh, this must be the place.

Hey there, baby.

They call me Cuddles.

Oh, you.

I've heard about you.

I've heard about
your love making.

Ah, it's nothing.

That's what I heard.

You know, you're kind of cute.

♪ You can meet me
'round the corner ♪

♪ In a half an hour ♪

Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it. Carol, come on, honey.

Can't you put a little
more pizzazz in it?

I mean, this is a
tribute to burlesque

not "The Waltons."

Here, hold this. Now.

♪ You can meet me
'round the corner ♪

♪ In a half an hour ♪

You do that once more,

I'll meet you in five minutes.

Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it. Listen, I've
been sitting on here

watching this rehearsal
for two hours now

and I kept quiet
as long as I can.

This is not the sort of
thing one expects to see

in a high school auditorium.

What do you mean,
Arthur? What sort of thing?

This sort of thing.

♪ You can meet me
'round the corner ♪

♪ In a half an hour ♪

Oh, date's off, Maude,
I'm meeting him.

Arthur, you've done
nothing but complain

for the past two weeks.
Now, this is the best way

I know to raise money
for the library fund.

Besides Burlesque has
been family entertainment

for over 2,000 years,
so, just knock it off.

Arthur, if you don't
like it that way,

maybe you would like it
the modern way. Frank.

(drum rolling)

♪ You can meet me
'round the corner ♪

♪ In a half an hour ♪

Oh.

How's that?

Outrageous.

How can you permit your own
daughter to exhibit her body that way?

Oh, why not? She
has a great body

inherited from her mother.

(drum rolling)

That is not a
pretty sight, Maude.

Why does it have
to be burlesque?

Oh, Arthur, everybody
does Neil Simon plays.

What about Shakespeare?

Shakespeare? Last year
they did "As You Like It."

There were 44
people on the stage

and 11 in the audience.

Besides, we're paying
tribute to another art form.

So, stop hating it just
because it's different.

- Well, we'll see.
- Wait a minute, Arthur.

You got to see my Lena number

- that I do with Carol.
- No, I don't want.

Please, I got scenery
and everything.

Mousie, bring on the camel.

Come on, Carol.

We're gonna do the Lena number.

(drum rebating)

♪ Lena is the
queen of Palestina ♪

♪ Just because she
plays the concertina ♪

♪ She only knows one song ♪

♪ She plays it all day long ♪

♪ Sometimes,
she plays it wrong ♪

Maude, that dance is indecent.

Oh, no, their dance is fine.

It's Walter singing
that's indecent.

♪ All the girls are
dressed like Lena ♪

♪ Some wear
oatmeal, some Farina ♪

♪ Down old Palestina way ♪

Hey, Arthur, how
you like them apples?

Terrific, Walter.

Fantastic. Out of sight.

I've never seen
anything like it.

Maude, that number's got to go.

Haven't got a single
redeeming feature.

Now, I have a song

which I strongly
recommend you let me do.

It's a very stirring song.

It's in B flat.

This'll raise the moral
tone of the whole show.

Any of you got the
helmet and a rifle?

The helmet and the rifle?

Arthur, isn't it bad enough
that you blackmailed me

into appearing in that hokey
opening number you wrote.

Maude, for your information,

that number I wrote is
gonna be the head of the show

and it wasn't blackmail.

As a ranking member
of the school board,

I simply suggest that if
you don't do the number

you couldn't use the auditorium.

Get off the stage.

No, not until I've
done my number.

It's stirring and
it's inspiring.

It's a World War II song.

Arthur, war songs don't
belong in burlesque.

- Who said so?
- Everybody says.

Oh, Mousie, we'll
check with an expert.

You like cuckoo koo
kang kakang kang,

you kicking thing you called.

Mousie, that bit is
no longer in the show.

Now, were there ever
war songs in Burlesque?

Well, not unless you count
"The Dame with the Doves

That Strip the Anchors Away."

You heard it from an expert.

You hear, one of the
old time Burlesque greats.

Played with every
great top banana.

Played with every top
banana. Thank you, Mousie.

Oh, anything for you, toots.

(slaps)

Mousie, don't play with that.

It's not a
bababababababa, banana.

Are you ready for me yet?

Oh, don't tell me Florida

is gonna be the French maid?

Wee wee, boss.

If you're going to be
so technical, Maude,

there weren't any black
people in burlesque.

Arthur, when I
gave Florida the part,

I thought of her as
just another performer.

I didn't think about her color.

Well, how come I'm the maid?

Florida can be the French maid.

I can darn well
sing my war song.

All you have to do is listen.

B flat, Bob.

Please, Arthur, there's no...

Back, back, back, back.

♪ We're gonna hang out ♪

♪ The washing on
the Siegfried line ♪

♪ Have you any dirty
washing, Mother dear? ♪

♪ We're gonna hang out ♪

♪ Our washing on
the Siegfried Line... ♪

Mother, calm down,
it can't get any worse.

♪ The washing day is here ♪

Mother dear, Mother,

has the shells fall near,

I wish you were here.

Wrong, Carol, it got worse.

I'm writing this to you
from somewhere in France.

I'm up to mud in my underpants.

Like hold it.

Hold it. Hold it.

- Now, listen, Maude.
- Oh, no.

You misunderstand me, Arthur.

- I love it.
- Oh.

I really truly love it.

But I tell you, I
think it is so great

that we should have some
kind of a production number.

You know, like something
going on behind you

to give it a real military
feeling, you know.

Like a firing squad.

Get off the stage.

Now, listen, Maude, if I
can't do "Siegfried Line,"

I'm not sure I wanna
be in the show at all.

Okay. Eddie, take
this back to the armory.

Oh, come on, Arthur, of course,
you wanna be in the show.

Now, please, we
don't have much time.

Come on, we're going to
do the chorus sketch now.

Okay, Viv, Carol.

(drum rolling)

Don't look now, Lola,

but I think we're
being followed.

Hey, take a gander
at those dames,

what do you say we pick them up?

Wee, wee, wow,
wow, okay with me.

I'll drive up to them.

- Here we go.
- Here we go.

- Here we are.
- We sure got here fast.

They don't look half bad.

I'll take the half
if it looks good.

(drum rolling)

I think we picked a
couple of winners.

Vivian, stop doing
those bumps and grinds.

Oh, Arthur, this is just
the sexy hip wiggle.

That was a grind.

Arthur, trying to
be sexy around you

is always a grind.

Hold the car, Walter.

Maude, this sketch
is just plain smut.

Arthur, "Get Out of the Car"

is a comedy classic.

There is nothing
offensive about it.

Oh, poppycock!

Excuse me, Vivian.

Is he that got the kind of
language you got me using?

It's the very thing I
was talking to you about.

I call it creeping smut.

I see it everywhere,

in bookstores, in
movies, in libraries,

and now in television.

Look what happened on "The
Mary Tyler Moore Show" recently.

She went out on a date

and she stayed out all night.

All night?

Our little Mary?

You can sneer if
you want, Maude.

But let me tell you this,
as Mary Tyler Moore goes,

so goes America.

That's why I've joined a group

that is gonna force sponsors

to stop sponsoring
shows that it was such filth

like Marcus Welby.

You mean, Arthur,
that Mary Tyler Moore

spent the night
with Marcus Welby?

No.

He did a show where
he treated a homosexual.

Really? To what?

He treated a
homosexual in public

and we're gonna
put a stop to that.

Mind you, I have
nothing against doctors

treating homosexuals in
the privacy of their office,

but not on the privacy
of my television screen.

Arthur, who watches television?

Come on, we don't
have much time.

Please, get back in
the car and finish it.

Well, I'll practice it. It
doesn't mean I'm gonna do it.

Come on, Arthur, let's
pick it up where we left off.

I'll take the blonde.

You hold the car.

Hey, baby, you
wanna get in the car?

I might as well.

I've got nothing to lose.

That's what I wanna find out.

(drum rolls)

I got it. Hold the car.

Arthur, what are you doing?

I am going to the
principal of this school.

I'm just gonna ask
him how he feels

about having
hardcore pornography

in his auditorium.

Art?

Oh, Carol, what
are we going to do?

Oh, mother, don't
worry about it.

We'll do the sketch. Why
don't you run over your number?

I'd rather run over Arthur.

- Sing.
- Oh, I don't.

Mother, now sit here.

Come on.

Pretend I'm the audience.

♪ In old Savannah ♪

♪ I said Savannah ♪

♪ The weather there
is nice and warm ♪

♪ The climates of
a Southern brand ♪

♪ But one thing I
don't understand ♪

♪ They got a gal there ♪

♪ A pretty gal there ♪

♪ Who's colder than
an Arctic storm ♪

♪ She's got a heart ♪

♪ Just like a stone ♪

♪ Even ice men leave her alone ♪

♪ They call her
hard-hearted Hannah ♪

♪ The vamp of Savannah ♪

♪ Meanest gal in town ♪

♪ Now talk about your cold ♪

♪ Refrigeratin' mamas ♪

♪ She's the polar
bear's pajamas ♪

♪ To tease 'em, and thrill 'em ♪

♪ Torture and kill 'em ♪

♪ Is her delight, they say ♪

♪ Now I saw her
at the seashore ♪

♪ With a great big pan ♪

♪ While there was
Hannah pouring water ♪

♪ On a drowning man ♪

♪ I mean, she's
hard-hearted Hannah ♪

♪ The vamp of Savannah, GA ♪

♪ Now, an evening
spent with Hannah ♪

♪ Sittin' on your knees ♪

♪ Is just like going through
Alaska in your BVDs ♪

♪ I mean, she's
hard-hearted Hannah ♪

♪ I said hard-hearted Hannah ♪

♪ I mean, she's
hard-hearted Hannah ♪

♪ The vamp of Savannah, GA ♪

(whistles)

Now, hear this.

The principal is
coming right down here

to put a stop to
this dirty show.

Oh, but, Arthur,
Arthur, we sold tickets.

The show is tonight.

I told you at the
start of the scene

we should do a wholesome show.

Remember, I suggested
"Mary Poppins."

"Mary Poppins,"

that's the one that
has that word in it,

Supercalifragilisticexpiali
docious.

I love that.

Julie Andrews said that
"Supercalifragilisticexpiali docious."

- I love that.
- Of course you love it.

It thoroughly repels me.

Arthur, don't you realize
you have just said nine,

four letter words.

Now, children...

Which of you would
like to spell Mississippi?

Johnny?

Spell Mississippi,

you want the river or the state?

(laughing)

Honestly, you are the
most intractable group

of juveniles I have
ever witnessed.

Intractable juvenile,
get them fancy words.

Teacher sure is hoity toity.

She may be a hoity,

but you'll never
see toity again.

Stop that. Quiet.

Now, I am going to
have to leave the room

for a few moments.

While I am gone,

there is to be no
spitball throwing,

no hair pulling, and
above all, no prayers.

If I catch anyone
praying, God help you.

Eddie, you know what
makes you so popular

with the boys?

No. What makes me
so popular with the boys,

my charming smile?

- Nope.
- My personality?

- Nope.
- My brains?

- No.
- I give up.

That's it.

Stop that necking.

If I catch anyone necking,

that person will be
severely punished.

I intend to put a
stop to necking.

It's about time a dame your age.

Now, then, Fifi dear,

I believe it is time
for our music lesson.

Shall we show the
kiddies the new song

we just learned?

Ms. Billy, Ms. Billy,

are we really gonna
go through with this?

Oh, come on, Florida.

You know, there's a
rumor that Alfred Hitchcock

is going to be in
the house tonight.

It's your big chance.

Why? He need a maid?

♪ Me... ♪

♪ And my shadow ♪

♪ Strolling down the avenue ♪

♪ Me... ♪

♪ And my shadow ♪

♪ Not a soul ♪

♪ To tell our troubles to ♪

♪ And when it's 12:00 ♪

♪ We climb the stairs ♪

♪ We never knock... ♪

Florida, will you
please get out in front?

I am the shadow.

You are my shadow?

That's not believable.

Look, Florida, I
told you in this show,

we are all people.

There is no color line.

Well, if there's no color line,

I will be the shadow.

Florida... stop the music. Stop.

Now, listen, Florida,

we are going to do it my way,

and that's that.

And besides,
with the lights low,

who knows the difference?

The shadow do.

♪ All alone and feeling... ♪

(indistinct chatter)

Hold it, Maude.

Now, we're gonna
have a showdown.

The principal is waiting to
see you in the locker room.

- Think.
- No, his name is Fishman.

Look, honey, why don't you
get into your costume, Phillip?

- Arthur.
- All right.

Come on, everybody,
get ready for the opening.

Look, Arthur, Arthur, I
don't care what you think.

It is all in your head.

That is not true
and you know it.

Please, please, please.

As the principal of this school.

Will you butt out, Fishman?

Look, Arthur, what do
you think can happen?

The audience will
become so stimulated

that immediately
the show is over,

they'll rush out to the lobby

and have a mass orgy?

Well, I hope not.
Our lobby is so tiny.

Arthur, what you're suggesting

is out and out censorship.

All right, Fishman.

As a ranking member
of the school board,

either you cancel the show

or you'll have to go back
to teaching boys glee club?

Oh, please, I don't want any
more trouble in this school.

I've got enough
trouble with this school.

I can't even go
to the boys' room

without getting mugged.

Look, Arthur, stop
browbeating Mr. Fishman.

Now, since when do you
have the right to decide

what's immoral and what isn't?

Since when? Since when?

Since last June when
the next in Supreme Court

put a stop to permissiveness.

They voted overwhelmingly
against just this kind of filth.

Five to four Arthur
is overwhelming?

Actually, it was five to three.

Five to four, Arthur.

Douglas' decisions don't count.

Arthur, William
O. Douglas is the...

Is the most brilliant
scholar on the court.

Maude, the man spends
his time climbing mountains.

Name me a mountain climber
that ever had a thought in his head.

Moses, Jesus and Mohammad.

See, you could only name three.

Furthermore, I find it
very heartening to note

that the Supreme Court
finally threw the obscenity ball

back to the grassroots
where it belong.

Arthur Harmon.

Every community will
have a right to decide

for itself what is indecent.

You mean, any blue
nose can stop anything

he doesn't like?

Are you calling me a blue nose?

If the handkerchief fits, blow.

Half hour before the
opening (gibberish)

Knock it off, Mousie.

All right. Fishman,
it's up to you now.

Mrs. Findlay, Dr. Harmon's
point is well taken, I think.

- Because if we...
- All right.

All right. All right. That's it.

We will do it your way, Arthur.

- There will be no show.
- All right. No show.

There will be no
money for the library.

Well, I wanted to raise
money for the library.

- No show.
- No show.

No opening number
which you wrote.

No opening number which I wrote.

- No audience.
- No audience.

No laughter in
these empty halls.

- That's to be.
- No opening night party

- at the Ramada Inn.
- Say it'll be.

No Arthur Harmon
singing the Siegfried Line.

No Arthur Harmon singing...

No smell of the grease
paint. No roar of the ground.

No Arthur Harmon singing
"The Siegfried Line"?

Maude, I thought you won't
gonna let me do that number?

Oh, Arthur, honey.

Sweetheart, it's in our natures

to quarrel with each other,

but Arthur you didn't think
I would cut that number.

Well, you just said,
you said, you said...

Oh, don't you know

- when I'm kidding, Arthur?
- No.

I mean, I know
class when I see it.

May God forgive me for
this, it's a showstopper.

I mean, unless, of course,

that great tradition of
the show must go on

doesn't mean anything to you

in which case I
will simply have to...

I'm sorry, Mrs.
Findlay, I'm truly sorry.

Fishman, don't you know anything

about the great tradition
the show must go on?

Well, that's what it means,
the show is going on.

And now that I'm gonna do
"The Siegfried Line" the show

we'll have some
redeeming social value.

Where do I get into my costume?

In the men's room.

Oh, I hope he
doesn't get mugged.

Mr. Fishman, we
should be that lucky.

Mrs. Findlay, 10 minutes
before our show too, too,

ti, too, too, ti,
too, too... Time.

♪ Girls ♪

♪ To the right of me ♪

♪ Girls, to the left of me ♪

♪ Girls, in front of me ♪

♪ Girls, behind,
love the girls ♪

♪ Girls, girls, girls, girls ♪

Around the world,
we search for girls

to wake the connoisseur up.

In this strange marketplace,

may I present Miss Europe.

The beauty of our
next mademoiselle

is guaranteed to daze you,

inscrutable to say the least,

may we present Miss Asia.

A splash of ethnic culture

is a thing we all enjoy,

so for all you cultured vultures

here's our African tomboy.

The no-vinism like chauvinism.

When it comes to favorite types.

For me, here comes
the queen of queens,

our own Miss Stars and Stripes.

(drum rolling)

♪ From every
country on this Earth ♪

♪ We may have population ♪

♪ Melting pot ingredients
have made a tasty nation ♪

♪ We may look like a
United Nations parade ♪

♪ But actually we're
tuning up our serenade ♪

♪ America, I love you ♪

♪ You're like a
sweetheart of mine ♪

♪ From ocean to ocean ♪

♪ For you my devotion ♪

♪ Is touching each
boundary line ♪

♪ Just like a little baby ♪

♪ Climbing its mother's knee ♪

♪ America, I love you ♪

♪ And there's 200
million others ♪

♪ Our mothers,
dads, and brothers... ♪

♪ Two hundred
million others like me ♪

♪ We're gonna hang out ♪

♪ The washing on
the Siegfried Line ♪

♪ Have you any dirty
washing, Mother dear? ♪

(continues singing)

♪ We're gonna hang out ♪

♪ The washing on
the Siegfried Line ♪

♪ If the Siegfried
Line is still there ♪

You want more?

ALL: Yeah!

♪ We're gonna hang out ♪

♪ The washing on
the Siegfried Line ♪

♪ Have you any dirty
washing, Mother dear? ♪

When you're right.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Maude was recorded on
tape before a live audience.

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪

♪ And then there's... ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ Right on, Maude ♪

♪ And then there's Maude ♪