Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 7, Episode 9 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

Mary receives news that her aunt, world famous newspaper reporter Flo Meredith, is soon arriving to Minneapolis to do a story on the Vikings. As excited as Mary is about seeing her aunt again, she is equally as excited for Lou, who seemed to have a thing with her Aunt Flo the last time she was in town. Indeed, Lou is already aware of Flo's imminent arrival and is looking forward to seeing her. Despite Lou and Flo's reunion being punctuated by continued verbal sparring with each other, Lou is indeed happy to see her again. He is so happy that he confides to Mary that he is falling in love with her. Mary convinces Lou to propose, as if he doesn't, he will always wonder if life with Flo was a missed opportunity. As Lou works up the nerve to ask Flo to marry him, Mary seems as invested in a positive outcome so that she can have an "Uncle Mr. Grant".

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♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Good morning. Morning.

Oh, you've got a special
delivery letter, Mary.

Hey. It's from my Aunt Flo. Ah.

cents postage due."

Isn't that just like her? Who
do I owe? Ted laid it out.

Hi, Mar. By the way, you
owe me 28 cents. Yeah.

♪♪ [Hums]

Gee, I don't have any
change. Don't worry about it.

So, uh, what has
she got to say, Mar?

It's hard to tell. Aunt Flo's a great
reporter, but she has terrible handwriting.

I always have trouble
reading it. What?

Who is Minnie Papadapolis?

Uh, that's Minneapolis. Ah. Oh.

Uh, she's coming
to town again. Ah.

Who are the
fat-bellied vice kings?

Football Vikings. Vikings.

She's coming to do an article on the
Vikings, and she's due to arrive today.

No kidding. Isn't
that just like her?

Every time she arrives, I don't know
about it until she's practically here.

Hey, I wonder if Lou knows
about this. Oh, Murr, that's right.

Gee, the last time she was here,
they had kind of a thing, didn't they?

I'll bet she's coming
to see him. Could be.

Hey. This is interesting.
I can't quite make it out,

but, uh, she was either
on a plane or a train...

with either Alfred
Lunt or Allen Funt...

and they were either
stacked up or shacked up.

Hey, guys! Guess what. I'm gonna
be rich. Do you want to know how?

Well, let's see. Uh...
Oh, you're being

paid by Harvard to
leave your brain to Yale.

I made an investment on
the advice of my accountant.

I bought a business...
My very own business.

Ah, well, what kind
of a business, Ted?

It's a men's hat store.
It's great for tax purposes.

Besides, it's a gold
mine, and I have very

little overhead. Very
little under head too.

[Chuckles] You
know what, Murray?

You'd look good in a
derby. And you wouldn't

have to buy the whole
hat. Just the brim.

Paint the top of your
head black. [Laughs]

[Lou] Yeah.

Mr. Grant, I don't
mean to bother you.

Swell. And I can see you're
busy, so I'll get right to the point.

Swell. Mr. Grant, I just got
a letter from my Aunt Flo.

And look.

That's very interesting, Mary, but I
don't know any Minnie Papadapolis.

[Laughs] That's Minneapolis,
Mr. Grant. She's coming to town.

Oh, swell.

Well, I was... I was
gonna ask you...

to have dinner at
my house tonight,

since Aunt Flo is coming, but
since you don't seem to care...

I didn't say that. Well, you
don't seem very excited.

Forgive me, Mary. You
see, it's just that I found...

that when I leap in the
air and click my heels,

all the change falls
out of my pockets.

Fine. All right.

I simply thought you had
some interest in my aunt, but...

since I can see you don't,
it was presumptuous of me.

- I apologize. Forgive me.
- What time does
her flight get in?

I don't know, but I can
certainly find out. Don't bother.

- What hotel is she staying at?
- I'm not sure,
but I'll let you know.

No, never mind.

Mary. Yes?

She's staying at the Ambassador.
Her flight gets in at 6:24.

We're having drinks at 7:00
We'll be at your place by 8:00.

- Okay?
- Swell.

[Doorbell Rings] Who is it?

Who do you think?
Pinky Tuscadero.

Aunt Flo! How are you?

Sensational, kiddo.

Well, how's everything in the
world of make-believe journalism?

[Laughs] Just fine.

Where's Mr. Grant? I'll play your
silly game. Where's Mr. Grant?

W-W-Wasn't he supposed
to pick you up at the airport?

Oh, my gosh. You're right. I
forgot. I came on a different plane.

The veep was passing through,

and he offered me a seat on Air
Force Two, so I naturally took it.

Air Force Two?

Well, you can't
always go first-class.

Well, anyway, Lou will know that I came
straight here, and he'll come right over.

Oh, anyway, he's cute
as a button when he's mad.

Who do you have to know to get a
drink around this joint? Right. Comin' up.

So, what's new in your life?

Oh, don't ask.

My life does not
change from day to day.

It is the same dreary
round of wars and riots...

and kings and presidents
and movie stars.

What's the biggest thing
in your life these days?

Me? Oh.

Well, I did get something, uh, kind
of interesting in the mail the other day.

Yeah? Seems I may have won
a prize from Reader's Digest.

[Doorbell Rings] Oh.
That's him. I'll get it.

Lou! Where the hell were you?

[Flo] See? Cute as a button.

I waited an hour
for you at the airport.

You know how dull an
hour at the airport is?

Oh, don't talk to me about dull.

How would you like to be stacked
up over Chicago with Allen Funt?

Aren't you even
gonna say you're sorry?

I'm sorry. It's
too late for sorry.

Mr. Grant, how would
you like a drink, huh?

I had a drink... five drinks
in my hour at the airport.

Oh, well, then, no more for you,
poopsie. You get ugly when you drink.

I sure hope you both like
chicken paprikash, 'cause...

Would it have killed you to leave
a message? I said I'm sorry, Lou.

I forgot. Now, I admit, it was
my fault. I had things on my mind.

Things on your mind. My, my, my.

Well, I remembered,
Miss Hotshot Reporter.

And I had things on
my mind too. Big things!

Well, maybe they just seemed
big compared to your mind.

All right now. That's enough.
Come on. If you think...

Everybody, over
here. Sit down. Go on.

Sit. Sit, sit. You
too. Over here.

[Mutters] I'm gonna stay right
between you and make you behave.

Oh, you are, huh? Yes.

It ridiculous for you
two to be fighting.

Think of all the good
times you've had together.

Ah, that's no excuse for what
she did to me. Oh, she's right.

Now, how can we sit here
and squabble in front of Mary?

Ah... Let's talk
about the good times.

- [Scoffs]
- Remember that...

little bar on Ninth Street?

[Chuckles] Yeah. Yeah.

You and I had some
time that night, didn't we?

As I recall, it was one of
the nicest nights of my life.


[Mary Chuckling]

Hey. Hey.

You remember the
weekend in St. Paul?

I get goose bumps
just thinking about it.


You were dynamite, Flo.
You were no slouch yourself.

[Chuckles] You're some
kind of woman. You're all man.

[Chuckles] Listen.
I think I better, uh,

just, uh, check the oven
and see how dinner's coming.

She left us all alone.
That's what I was hoping for.

Me too. Because there was
something I wanted to ask you. What?

Why the hell can't you get
on the right plane, hotshot?

Blow it out your ear, loudmouth.

Hi, guys. Hi.

Boy, I'm in trouble.
What's the matter, Ted?

Murray, Mar, I'm
gonna level with you.

Business at the hat
store couldn't be worse.

I can't understand it. I thought it
would be such a great idea... selling hats.

I figured, how could I lose?
Everybody's got at least one head.

Well, look. You've only been open for
a week, Ted. Maybe things will pick up.

I hope so. Today only one
customer came into the store...

A homesick Mexican who
wanted to rent a hat to dance on.

Didn't even have his size.

I'm not giving up hope, Murray. I want
you to wear one of my hats for promotion.

People will ask you where you
got it, and you can send 'em to me.

Ted, look. I practically
never wear hats.

Murray, believe me, every
man should wear a hat.


How's that one look?

It's you. [Chuckles]

There's no need
to be nasty, Mary.

Hey, come on, Murray. Try it on.

If you don't like that
one, I've got plenty more.

What's going on? [Chuckles]

Well, I... I brought you
all hats from the store, Lou.

Here. I want you
to have this one.

Hey! What a great-looking group.

What do you say, Mary?
Do we look fantastic?

Like movie stars. [Ted]
Did you hear that, guys?

Larry, Moe and Curly.

Hi, everybody. [All] Hi!

Oh, now don't tell me. One of
you has a chicken under his hat,

and I'm supposed
to guess which one.

Ah, come on, Ted. Let's
go see the rest of your hats.

Oh, thanks, Murray. You know,
I'm really worried about the store.

Georgette and I went
into the investment 50-50,

and we've already
lost all of her money.

I just thought I'd drop by and
see if you were free for dinner.

After all, I owe you for
last night. Sure. I'd like that.

So, how's life in the
locker room? Oh, it's a drag.

Huh? Can you imagine
having to spend all your time...

making small talk with a group of
half-naked 25-year-old athletes?


Dull. Really boring.

Boy, I really envy you
that assignment, Flo.

Mr. Grant follows every
move the Vikings make.

Well, he's got some pretty
good moves himself. [Chuckles]

I imagine you're focusing on
that great Viking defensive line.

No. Actually, I think the
story is in their offense.

[Chuckles] Well, there may
be a story in their offense,

but the story is
their defensive line.

Well, it depends on
who's writing the story.

Well, if the person who's writing the story
knows the first thing about the game...

Aunt Flo, would you
like a cup of coffee?

Well, if the person not
covering the game...

knew a little bit
more about the game,

maybe he would
be writing the story.

I was covering the Vikings
before you ever heard of them.

With you covering them, it's a
wonder anyone ever heard of them.

Mr. Grant, how
about a cup of coffee?

I would like to stay and swap
childish swagger with you, Lou,

but I am going to cover
a football team. [Scoffs]

Look who's covering
a football game...

Somebody who doesn't
know the difference

between a rotating zone
and a nickel defense.

You don't know your
elbow from your end zone.

You want to know something, Mary?
I think I'm in love with that woman.

Say, Mar, did you get a chance to ask Lou
about changing the dates for my vacation?

Oh, no, I haven't. I will as
soon as I finish the rundown.

I don't think it'll be any problem.
He's been approving everything lately.

Hi, guys.

Boy, Lou's been in a great
mood all week, hasn't he?

He has, huh? Maybe this would be a
good time for me to ask him for a favor.

Ted, I wouldn't ask him
for anything with that hat on.

This is a tam-o'-shanter, Murray. There are
places where men wear these in the army.

Right. But there are more places
men wear them to stay out of the army.

What's the favor you want to
ask him? I'm desperate, Mary.

I thought I'd plug
my store on the news.

Oh, not an out-and-out
plug. I know that. I'd be subtle.

I mean, every night on the
news, I'd just wear a different hat.

Ted... [Clears Throat]

May I tell you something?
That is one of the worst...

The absolute worst,
most incredibly stupid...

and unethical ideas I
have ever heard in my life.

What are some of the others?

[Lou] Come in.

Mr. Grant, I don't want to bother
you, but, uh... Oh, it's no bother, Mary.

You're always
welcome in this office.

- Well, thank you.
- Can I offer you
coffee or a bun?

- No. Really, I just wanted to...
- What about tea? It's no trouble.

I can just pop out and see if
Murray's through with the bag.

No, thanks. Really.

Boy, you're really feeling
great these days, aren't you?

Yeah. I'm so happy
I could kiss a goat.

I wish you felt that good.

- Well, I feel pretty good.
- But could you kiss a goat?


Ah. See? That's because
you're not involved in a...

hot romance.

Yeah, that's probably it.

Mary, your aunt is maybe...

the best woman I
ever met in my life.

Oh, Mr. Grant. Ah?

You know, this is
the first time in my life

I have ever been
successful as a matchmaker.

I just... I had a hunch you two
would feel this way about each other.

Feel this way? Look. If I had a little more
courage, I'd ask that woman to marry me.

Are you serious? Marriage?

That's right, Mary. The big "M."

Oh, Mr. Grant, that would just
be the most wonderful thing.

Well, why don't you steal
some courage and ask her?

Oh. No. No.

No, I... I... I couldn't.

Mary, that... that woman has known
some of the great men of the world.

Would she be willing
to settle down with a...

big, old lug like me?

You know, I have a feeling you're talking
this way just so I'll disagree with you.

Sure I am. I don't
even know what a lug is.

Okay, then I'll
disagree with you.

Mr. Grant, my aunt is
leaving town tomorrow night.

You could spend the rest of your
life saying "I should have asked her."

If you want to ask her,
ask her, you big lug.

I... I wouldn't know
how to propose.

[Murmurs] You
proposed once before.

Yeah, but that was different. Uh, I
don't think it would work this time.

- Why? What'd you say?
- "Don't worry. I'll marry you."

It doesn't matter what you say. The
important thing is you want to ask her.

Do you want to know...

something incredible?

I just made up my
mind to ask her.

Oh, Mr. Grant!

[Chuckles] Do you realize what
a difference this is gonna make?

Do you know what I do
most nights after work?

First, I stop and have a drink.

Then I go home, make
myself some dinner,

watch some television,
take a shower...

and go to bed.

Once I'm married,
I'll have a drink,

go home, go to bed,

take a shower, have some
dinner and watch television.

You know my one regret?
That you can't be my best man.

Wouldn't that be great?
Going out with you

the night before my
wedding and tying one on?

Maybe they can
bend a rule for us.

You know, this is
beginning to sound like fun.

Who would have thought that?

Mr. Grant, you want to
know the best part? What?

If you marry my
Aunt Flo... Yeah?

That'll make you my Uncle Lou.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no. You wait
a minute. No. You just wait a minute.

Let's get one thing straight.
Whatever happens, no "Uncle Lou."

No. Ever. Never. No
place. You understand?


I'll call you my
Uncle Mr. Grant.

I finished that story on
the Vikings, you know.

Yeah, well, listen. Before
you start talking about leaving,

there's something...

very important that
I want to ask you.

I know.

You want to know if that rumor about
Minnesota trading Tarkenton is true or not.

No. That's not it.

They're thinking of
trading Tarkenton?

Well, if that isn't it,
what was on your mind?

That can wait. What
about Tarkenton?

It's just a rumor.
Nobody's trading anybody.

Oh, thank God.

Now, what was it you
wanted to say? Hmm?

Oh, yeah. Flo, I
want to marry you.

- Is that a proposal?
- Yeah.

Oh, some proposal. You
tell me? You don't even ask?


Oh, okay.

Flo, will... you marry me?


But thank you for asking.

Oh, Lou. I travel all the time.

I chose a career long ago.

Do you know that, last year, I was only
in my apartment 26 nights the whole year?

I can't get married to anyone.

You've got some nerve.

I've got some nerve
not marrying you?

I had a fantastic
wedding planned.

I wish I could say yes. I...

I even bought tickets
for a honeymoon.

Canada by rail.

They got special
cars in the back.

Glass all the way around.

Everywhere you look, Canada.

I've got it. Hmm?

Why don't we just take the
honeymoon and skip the wedding?

What do you think I am... someone
you can use for a good time...

every time you
drop by Minneapolis?

I'm not cheap.

Lou, I love my work.

I love my family.

And now I guess
I... I love you too.

[Mutters] But I don't
want to get married.

Now listen. I'll see you the
next time I come to Minneapolis.

I don't think so.

Well, would you mind
if I at least called?

The phone company doesn't ask
my permission. You dial, they ring.

Oh, I'll dial.

You gonna be all right?

I'll be fine. Don't
worry. So long.

I'll call you, toots.

Bartender. Yes, sir?

A drink for everyone
in the house. Great.

Give them all to me.

Mr. Grant.

Oh, hi, Mary. You
looking for me?

Well, yeah. You don't usually
take a seven-hour lunch.

I was hungry.

Did you, uh, ask Aunt Flo the
question you were thinking of asking her?

I asked her. And?

I still have the ring.

Oh, no.

I'm not gonna be
your Uncle Lou, Mary.

Oh, Mr. Grant, I was so...
hoping that this would work out.

How could she say
no? I don't understand.

Look at that beautiful ring.

Yeah. It has a lot
of sentimental value.

I made it out of a bullet.

It's very nice.

Yeah. It's a .22-caliber ring.

Oh, boy.

It's my fault, Mr. Grant.
I told you to ask her.

That's right. You're the
one who talked me into it.

I'm sorry, Mr. Grant.


I... I...

I'm... I'm sorry, Mary. I have
no right to be angry with you.

I'm just...

I'm just yelling because I
don't know what else to do.

I'm hurt.

[Stifled Sobbing]

No. Come on. [Crying, Gulping]

No, Mary. No. Come
on, Mary. Don't cry.

[Murmurs] Don't cry.

I can't help it, Mr. Grant.
It's just all so... lousy.


Come on, Mary. Your...
Your mascara's starting to run.

You're gonna scare
all the drunks in the bar.

Hey. There you are, Lou.

Boy, we were really starting to
worry about you. [Crying, Gulping]

- Mary, what's wrong?
- Oh, you know old
waterworks here.

She'll cry at anything. Believe
me, Murray, it's no big deal.

It's just that Flo and I have
been seeing a lot of each other,

and we've been
hitting it off pretty well.

So, I asked her to marry
me, and she turned me down.

[Gulping] So, old
leaky eyes here... she...

She got pretty upset because
she knows I had made a lot of plans,

and I had... my
hopes... [Gasps Softly]

pretty high.

[Crying] And I... I
really love that woman.

[Crying, Snorts]

Hey, come on, you guys.
Look. Don't do this to me.

You know what a
sentimental person I am.

You know when I see
two of my dearest friends

crying, that I'm
gonna go to pieces too.

And we'll all stand here
acting like fools. Now come on.

Come on. Lou, Mary, get ahold of
yourselves. Get ahold of yourselves.

All right. Ye... Ye... Yeah.

Yeah. Enough... Enough...
Enough of this. Yeah.

[Sobs] She turned you down!

[All Sobbing]

Hey, guys. How's it going?

[All Sobbing]

[Sobbing] Hey.

Hey, guys.

Why are we crying? Come
on. Tell me. What happened?

Something sad, Ted.
I was afraid of that!

I just read your aunt's article
on the Vikings. It's very good.

[Chuckles] You know, it's funny,

but the minute she left town,
Lou went back to being his old self.

Think so?

Oh, come on, Mary. Don't tell
me you didn't notice any difference.

Nah, you're right.
Of course I did, Murr.

For a couple of weeks there,
he was really very sweet,

always agreeing with everybody.

I must say I
preferred it. [Chuckles]

I don't know. I kind
of like Lou this way.