Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 7, Episode 16 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

When Mel Price, the station manager, mentions at a party at Mary's place that he needs to fill one hour's worth of variety time on the network since the existing talent has left, Ted volunteers. Ted and Georgette do a corny, simplistic skit for Mel that they did at a church function. Mel loves their husband/wife chemistry and gives them an on-air audition. Mel loves their audition, and the Minneapolis public loves their resulting show, much to the surprise of Lou, Mary and Murray, who can't understand the appeal of the corny material. Mary's feeling doesn't stop her from agreeing to appear on the show to describe her work. Another person who is surprised at the success of the show is Georgette, who increasingly hates the job to the point of tears. She is only doing it for Ted, who enjoys the spotlight at any cost, perhaps even the cost of his wife's happiness or lack thereof. But as Ted and Georgette have it out, they leave the actually hosting of that evening's show to their bewildered guest, Mary.

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♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Have another? Mary, when
are we gonna eat dinner?

Pretty soon. I'm waiting
for another guest.



Well, who else do you know?

I invited Mel Price.

Mary, I'm surprised at
you being so insecure...

you have to butter up the station
manager by having him to dinner.

Ted. [Doorbell Rings]

I'll get it.

Mel, we were
worried sick about you.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Lou.
Georgette, hi. Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late. There was a
little pr-pr-problem at the station.

Mort Lockwood just walked out.

Suddenly find myself with an
hour of variety programming to fill.

Oh, my God.

Ted, aren't you
taking it awfully hard?

Well, the poor man. He wakes up
this morning, like any other day...



and he has to fill a whole
hour of programming.

I don't know where you're
gonna get anybody else in a hurry.

Ted, are you suggesting that
you can h-h-handle this show?

Well, it hadn't occurred to
me, but it's a darn good notion.

You don't understand, Ted.
This is not just a news show.

It needs an entertainer.

[Laughing] Hey, guys, he
thinks I'm not an entertainer.

[Forced Laughter]

Watch this. Mary, do
you have a large blindfold?

Gee, I'm sorry, Ted. All my
blindfolds are in the wash.

Would a napkin do?
Oh, sure, sure. [Chuckles]

This is a little something Georgette and I
worked up as an act for a church benefit.

Come on. Everybody
inside. [Laughs]

Okay, take it, Georgette.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ted is going to demonstrate mental
powers you never knew he had.

What's he gonna do...
Come in out of the rain?

As I pass among you, I'm going
to ask each one for an object,

which the amazing Theodore,
completely blindfolded,

will correctly identify
just by reading my mind.

Ready, Teddy? Ready!

I'm holding an object,
Ted, and thinking about it.

Mm-hmm. I'm getting
very strong waves.

Ted, get the lead out,
and let's come to the point.

Aha! I think I have it.

You're holding a pencil.

The amazing Theodore!

What am I holding now, Ted?

Don't blow it.

You're holding a trumpet.

Who would be carrying a trumpet?

A trombone.

Think carefully, Ted.
Everybody knows...

Everybody knows what?

That this is nothing
to sneeze at.

Ah. I'm getting
very strong waves.

No more hanky-panky, Ted.

I'm getting very,
very strong waves.

Ted, what I'm holding
is made of cloth...

and you squeeze it with your
fingers and you blow into it.

It's a bagpipe.

Ted, you big palooka.

We don't have a
signal for a bagpipe.

Okay. [Laughs]

But I think he did
very well, don't you?

Oh, yes, wonderful. Just great.

- Weren't they
unbelievable, Mary?
- Unbelievable.

The way they work with each
other, the ten-ten-tenderness,

the... the innocent
charm. [Chuckles]

When was the last time you
heard anybody called a palooka?

I didn't mean it in a bad way.
I think he's a nice palooka.

Oh, I know. I
know. And it shows.

In fact, I think
the two of you...

are the cutest h-h-husband-and-wife
team I've seen in years.

How'd you like to turn pro?

Great idea.

And you won't even have
to give up the news show.

[All Moan]

I just think that a
h-h-husband-and-wife team...

could add a whole-whole-whole
new element to that show.

You said a mouthful there.

Of course, it took
you a little longer than

most people, but it
was worth waiting for.

Oh, look at the set.

Oh, hi, Mary.
[Both] Hi, Georgette.

- Gee, thanks for coming.
- Oh, are you kidding?

We wouldn't miss it.
Your opening show.

Well, it's just an audition, Mary. If
we blow it, it's also our closing show.

No. Aw, you won't
blow it. Where's Ted?

Talking to the choreographer.

Choreographer? I didn't know
the show was gonna have dancing.

Well, it wasn't.
It was Ted's idea.

He wants a big production
number on every show.

How can you have a production number?
There's just you, Ted and one guest.

I know. I hope the
bishop can dance.

Hey, Lou, Mary. [Lou] Hi, Ted.

Hey, I had no idea show
business was so exciting.

The station's really giving
us the big star treatment.

I just left the dressing room.
There's a 12-year-old bottle of scotch...

and a bouquet of roses.

Who knows? Maybe next week, there
will be something for you, Georgette.

Hey, you know
the best thing of all?

They gave me a
flunky. [Mary] A flunky?

Well, yeah, you know, a star needs
someone to do errands for them.

Elliott. Yes, sir.

This is my flunky.

Give 'em some pictures.

I have one, Elliott.

Come on, Ted. Let's
get started. Okay.

If you want those autographed,
Elliott can do that too.

Make 'em personal.
They're close friends.

Wish us luck. Good luck.

Good luck. Lot of luck.

[Ted] Thanks. Gee, this is
exciting. It's like being at...

Los Alamos.

Los Alamos? Mm-hmm.

Birthplace of the
biggest bomb in history.

Oh, Mr. Grant. Well, here
we go. Any predictions?

Yeah. It should shorten
the war by at least two years.

[Male Announcer] Good evening
and welcome to Tonight In Town.

And here are
tonight's guest hosts:

Ted and Georgette Baxter.

Hello, hello. Hooray, hooray.

I'm Ted. And I'm Georgette.

Don't touch that
dial. Don't go away.

You ain't seen... Nothin' yet.

[Laughs]

We're not talking A-bomb,
Mary. We're talking H-bomb.

That was cute. Huh?

That was pretty cute. I
wouldn't wanna see it often.

But it was cute.

Well, here we are, Teddy
bear, on our very own show.

Live from Minneapolis. And I'd like
to say hello to all my friends out there.

And if it's okay, I'd like to
say hello to our children.

Hi, David. Hi, Mary Lou.

And I'd like to say a
word to our babysitter.

I'm not paying you a buck
an hour to watch television.

He's only kidding. Don't
pay attention to this big lug.

They really are cute, L-Lou.

Adorable.

Well, Mary, I think I'll go now.
See you in the office tomorrow.

Come on, Mr. Grant. You
gotta watch the rest of the show.

That's okay. I've
gotten the flavor of it.

A real friend would stay for
the whole show. [Murmurs]

And now it's time for
our first commercial.

But don't go away, everybody.
As soon as we get back,

the amazing Theodore...
That's Teddy...

Is going to show us his
incredible mind-reading ability.

Okay, let's go.

This part of the program is
brought to you by Bowser Banquet,

the doggy food
that every dog loves.

Yes, sir. You just watch Happy
here gobble up her Bowser Banquet.

[Laughs]

Okay, come and get it.

Come on, Happy.

Here you are. Attagirl.
It's all for you. It's all yours.

Go ahead. Gobble it up.

Oh, I know what you want.
You want to play choo-choo.

Okay, here comes the choo-choo.

[Imitating Train Whistle]

Please.

I guess she forgot
about playing choo-choo.

Don't you wanna grow up
to be a Great Dane? Huh?

Come on. It's
really good for you.

I'll show you how good
it is. I'll taste it for you.

[Chuckling]

Right. That's dog food.

[Coughs]

Hey, Lou, look, I gotta ask you
something. You were a crime reporter.

You've seen appalling things.
Nothing ghastly shocks you.

- Mm-mmm.
- So would you explain why...

The success of the
Ted and Georgette show.

Exactly. Now, they've been
on almost two weeks, Lou,

and, well, their ratings
are higher than ever.

Now, why do people watch
that stuff? It's so ordinary.

You got the dumb talent hunt,
you got the beautiful baby contest.

- [Laughs] You know who
the big guests were yesterday?
- Who?

A couple celebrating their third
wedding anniversary. [Laughs]

Hey, Lou, where do
they find those guests?

They're so dull. The night
watchman in a dry cleaner's.

It's like they make "dull" a
requirement to get on the show.

Go figure it out, Murray.

Who with any intelligence would
want to be on a show like that?

Hey, guys, guess
what. [Lou] What?

I'm gonna be a guest on the Ted
and Georgette show next week.

- [Both Laughing]
- What's so funny?

We were... We were just, uh...

We were just asking, "Where do
Ted and Georgette get their talent?"

And you just
strolled right on in.

- Oh, right at that instant?
- That very instant.

- Ah.
- So, what are you gonna
do on the show, Mary?

I think they probably want to ask me some
questions about producing a news show.

Of course, they want a light touch
too. So I thought of an opening joke.

You're gonna tell
an opening joke?

Yeah, yeah. And I
wanna try it out on you...

because I don't wanna
use it unless it's very funny.

- Oh, okay.
- Okay, so I thought
I would say, um.

"I'm very glad to
be here tonight.

Of course, the way my cabbie
drove, I'd be glad to be anywhere."

Is it very funny?

I guess it is. I
think it's funny.

I knew it was!

Hi, guys. Hi.

- Can I have Elliott get
anybody a cup of coffee?
- No, thank you.

- Cream and sugar.
- I thought you drank it black.

Well, I do, but I'm training him to
handle a little more responsibility.

Well, enough chitchat.
I'm a busy man.

Mary, the baseball player who I
had scheduled for tonight fell out.

We want you to fill in for him.

Uh, m-me? T-Tonight?

You were gonna be on next week
anyway. What's the difference?

But, Ted, it's so sudden. I
don't have time to prepare for it.

What's to prepare?
It's an interview.

We ask you how the news
is done, and you tell us.

It's about time Ted
found out anyhow.

If you're a pro, you can be
ready at a moment's notice.

Right? Right.

When I'm right, I'm right.

Mary, what do you
say? Time is money. Can

you get yourself ready
in a couple of hours?

No. Yes. I guess. I don't know.

All right, fine,
fine. It's settled.

Ooh! I've gotta go. I've
gotta check those sets.

Say good-bye for
me. I don't have time.

Good-bye.

Hello, Mom. Listen, I'm not
gonna be on the show next week.

I'm gonna be on tonight.

Okay, I'll talk to you
afterwards. Bye-bye.

Georgette, hi. Oh, I am so excited.
I'm gonna be on the show tonight.

I'm not even sure I'll know what
to say. But I am really excited.

Me too, Mary. I'm
thrilled to death.

Good.

Georgette, what is it?

I don't want to do
the show anymore.

- Why not?
- I don't enjoy it.

[Sniffling]

I spend all day at the studio.

I never see my children.

I never get to cook a meal. I never
get to do anything in my own house.

And I miss doing
those things, Mary.

Maybe it's dumb.

No, Georgette. That's not dumb.

I never wanted
to be a performer.

I just did it because
Ted wanted me to.

And now the show's a
hit and I can't get out of it,

and I want my old life back.

Oh, Mary, can you
understand that?

Of course I can.

Am I being unreasonable?
Of course you're not.

Does it make any
sense at all? Sure it does.

Damn right.

Georgette, why don't
you just go to Ted...

and tell him you don't
wanna do the show anymore?

Because it means so much to him.

It would break his heart
if he had to give it up.

But, Georgette, you
gotta think of yourself too.

You can't go through life unhappy.
There's no point in being a martyr.

I guess you're right,
Mary. I have to talk to Ted.

But I wanna find
the right moment.

I think I'll wait till tonight when
we're alone together in bed,

and then I'll tell him I
don't want to anymore.

And when he finds out
that I mean the show,

he'll be so relieved
he'll agree to anything.

Thank you for your nice letter.
It's always nice to hear from a fan.

I can't honor your
request for tickets,

but I am enclosing an
autographed picture.

And how shall I sign that?

Your loving son, Ted.

Five minutes, Ted. Oh,
hi, honey. How's Mary?

She's a little nervous,
but she'll be fine.

Ah, sure she will. Am I right?

You're right. [Laughs]

When I'm right, I'm right.

- We have such
a bright future, Georgette.
- Right, Ted.

Hey, what's the matter?

Nothing. Nothing. [Sniffles]

Yes, there is.

When a guy's married as long as I
am, he gets to spot those little clues.

Elliott, find out
what's the matter.

Ted, you and I will talk
about it when we're alone.

We are alone.

Oh. Okay, that's
enough. Thanks a lot.

I mean, let's face it. How can
you improve on God's handiwork?

Out, out, out, out.

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, what's bothering you?

We're still not alone, Ted.

Sorry, Elliott. Would
you excuse us?

Certainly, Mr. Baxter.

Anything you say.

Ted, I want to talk to you about
the show. I don't want to do it now,

but I think we should sit down
and have a serious talk afterward.

- Why can't we talk
about it now?
- It's too close to airtime.

So? It might upset you.

Hey, you're talking
to Ted Baxter,

the professional's professional.

I don't get upset by things.

Well, you might.

Nothing you could say to me could
affect my performance out there.

That's not true. Remember the time
Murray told you, just before the news,

that Lassie was
three different dogs?

And you had to have
ice pressed against the

back of your neck
before you could go out.

Hey, Georgette, if there's something
you wanna talk about, let's talk.

All right.

Ted, I don't want to
do the show anymore.

I tried. I really tried.

But I'm really not happy.

[Chuckles] Hey.

Georgette, that's out of
the question. We're a big hit.

We've got to do the show.
That's all there is to it.

[Sighs] All right, Ted, if
that's what you really want.

Hey.

You know Teddy bear doesn't
like to see his Georgette looking sad.

Come on now. Let me
see a nice, big, happy face.

[Stifled Sob]

There, that's better.

Jerry, do you want her to sit in
the middle? [Mary] Sit in the middle.

And don't worry.
This will be fun.

How could you do this to me, Georgette?
Right in the middle of a successful show.

[Man] Okay,
everybody, here we go.

In five, four,
three, two, one...

♪♪ [Theme Plays] [Male
Announcer] Live from Minneapolis,

here are Ted and
Georgette Baxter.

Hello, hello. [Unenthusiastically]
Hooray, hooray.

I'm Ted. And I'm Georgette.

- Don't touch that dial.
- Don't go away.

- You ain't seen...
- Nothin' yet.

Why don't you tell everybody
about tonight's guest, honey?

Ah, Mary Richards, the
producer of the Six O'Clock News.

We'll be back with our guest
right after these messages.

Ted, I can't do it. I tried.

I gave it all I had,
but I just can't do it.

[Crying] I'm sorry
for letting you down.

Hey, wait a minute, Georgette.
Georgette. Georgette?

Ted? Ted! [Man] Five seconds!

Four, three... Georgette?

Two, one!

[No Audible Dialogue]

You know, I'm, uh,

sure that any people
who are watching...

must be wondering
why I'm here alone.

[Clears Throat] And I know that people
usually enjoy behind-the-scenes stuff.

And the reason that I'm
here alone is because, uh,

Ted and Georgette
aren't... here.

But I-I think that
they'll be back shortly...

if there's a God in heaven.

I, uh... I produce the
Six O'Clock News.

And I-I'm sure th-that they plan
to ask me a lot of questions...

abou-about that.

Uh... Uh, like how long have
I been producing the news.

Seven years.

Do I enjoy it? Sure do.

What exactly does a producer do?

Oh, boy, you name it.

Uh, well, okay, okay.

One of the things that I do is, uh,
setting the whole lineup for the show...

seeing, you know, how
many commercials we have...

and when-when they
come in-in the show.

Like wh-when's the next
commercial in this show?

Seventeen minutes?

It won't work, Ted. Please,
you can do this alone.

No, I can't. I checked.

They want the both
of us on the show.

What would it be like without
you? "Hello, hello. I'm Ted.

Don't touch that
dial. You ain't seen..."

I need ya, honey.

I'm sorry, Ted,
but I can't help it.

Why does it just seem
more important to me...

to raise the children
than to do this show?

I mean, what do you think... I wouldn't
wanna change diapers and scrub the floor?

Somebody's gotta put on
makeup and sit in the spotlight.

Ted, one of us has
gotta make a big sacrifice.

Oh, gee. Why does it
always have to be you?

And then there's that question
that everybody wants an answer to.

What do I do after I
check the promo log?

Well, I'd like to
answer that question,

but I'm afraid I
don't have any time.

Oh, I do have time.

Ted, I can't do it.

- This is very important
to you, isn't it?
- Yes, it is.

All right. All right, I'll
give it up. I'll give it up.

Oh, Teddy bear.

I'll give up the fame
and give up the money.

But can I ask one
thing of you in return?

Sure. Can I keep Elliott?

Sometimes there's
some film to look at.

And then I brown-bag
it in the screening room.

Am I getting too technical?

Oh, it's time for a
commercial. Already.

Okay, I'm sure Georgette and Ted
will be back soon, so don't go away.

Back in 30 seconds.

I can't. I just can't.

Keep doing what you're
doing. I can't. I can't do it.

I can't do it. What's
wrong, Miss Richards?

You have no idea
how lonely it is up there.

Oh, yeah? Try being a
messenger boy for Howard Hughes.

You were a messenger boy for
Howard Hughes? Yeah, for three years.

Nobody ever let me talk.

All I did all day was
listen, listen, listen.

Elliott, come sit down.

We're gonna give
you a chance to talk.

Isn't it always the way?
Just when you give up hope...

Okay, guys, come
on. Let's move it.

Let's get those cameras
rolling. We got a show to do here.

Okay. Rolling!

Five, four, three, two, one!

[Calmly] Hello again.

My next guest is... Elliott.

Elliott, what were you just telling
me your job was for three years?

Errand boy for
Howard Hughes. Oh!

Then did you actually meet
Mr. Hughes and get to speak with him?

Oh, yeah, lots of times.

Then I imagine you have many stories
to tell us about Mr. Hughes's last years.

About a million
or two. That's all.

Okay.

Why don't you just tell us some of
the things you used to do for him?

Well, uh, one of
the things I did was...

I used to make him snacks.

- Ah.
- One of his favorites...

was this very special peach
melba I used to make for him.

Uh-huh. It was a scoop
of vanilla ice cream...

on top of a plain pound
cake with fresh peaches...

Hoo-hoo-hoo. With...

a little bit of chocolate syrup.

[Exhales]

He used to really love that. I don't
blame him. I'd love some myself.

All right, Miss Richards,
I'll get you one. No, no, no!

No! Don't... No, no. Wait. No.

[Mews]