Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 6 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

Mary is hosting a party to celebrate her 1,000th show. Ted and Georgette bring along their friend, Judith Chandler, if only because she is a recent divorcée and Georgette thought it would be nice to get her out to meet people, specifically single men, and most specifically single Lou. Her tact changes when Georgette finds out Lou is seeing Charlene, which leads to Georgette leaving Judith in Murray's company while she scopes out the party for eligible men. The next day, Ted, based on the fact that they spent all night talking to each other, believes that something happened between Murray and Judith, something that Murray flatly denies. But Murray implies that he wishes something will happen between the two of them. An associated issue is that Murray has not told Judith that he's married. He seems to want someone, anyone, to tell him that having an affair is all right. Perhaps Murray will just have to find out on his own if he feels it's all right.

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♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

Here you are, Mr. Grant.

Oh, thanks, Mary.



Well, 1,000 news shows
we've done together.

Right. And, Mr. Grant, I just wanna say
I have enjoyed every single one of them.

Me too, give or take 800 or 900.

Yeah, only you could have figured out
exactly when you did your thousandth show.

How'd you do it?
Oh, it was really easy.

I've been doing the show
for four years and a week,

I get two weeks' vacation a year,
we do the show five days a week,

so that makes 250 shows a year.

So, four years and one week
would make 1,005 shows.

But I checked with
personnel, and I found...

that I've been out sick
with a cold four days.

And there was that one day that I
went to Chicago for the convention,

so tonight is my
exactly 1,000th show.

I'm glad I asked.
How 'bout that time...



there was a power failure at the
transmitter when we blacked out?

Okay, everybody, go
home! Come back tomorrow.

Knock, knock, Mary.
Oh, Ted. Come on in.

Knock, knock. I'd knock on
the door, except it was open.

- I had to say "knock, knock."
- Right. Come on in.

Knock, knock, Lou.

The door was open. I didn't
wanna walk in without knocking.

I don't know what's
gotten into Ted tonight.

He's just full of
oil and vinegar.

Mary, this is my
friend Judith Chandler.

Judith, this is Mary
Richards. Hi, Judith.

Hi, Mary. It's nice
of you to have me.

- Happy 1,000th.
- Oh, well, actually,
it's my 999th.

Oh, I understand. I
lie about my age too.

Come on, Judy. I'll buy you
a drink. How nice. Thank you.

Excuse me.

You know, she was just divorced.

I thought it would be a
good chance to meet people.

In fact, Ted and I
brought her here...

hoping she might hit
it off with Mr. Grant.

They have so much in common.

I mean, they both got dumped.

Well, that's very nice,
Georgette, but, uh,

Mr. Grant is seeing
someone kind of regularly.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Do you want me to get her out?

No, no. It's fine.

Hey, Lou. I want you
to meet Judith Chandler.

Judith, Lou Grant. Hello.

Hello. Hey, hold it, Lou.

I wanna tell Judy here
about the man she just met.

Now, Lou may not be as
young as some guys are,

and he may be
a little overweight,

and he may not look like much,

but he makes a bundle.

Okay, I hit it over
the fence for you,

now all you've gotta do is run
around those bases. [Slaps Back]

Oh, say, listen. Maybe it'll be
hard for you to break the ice.

Do you want me to
stick around and help?

No, that won't be
necessary. Right.

So, what do you do for a living?

I'm the principal of
Thoreau Junior High School.

Principal? Oh, really?
That sounds great.

Oh, have you two
met yet? Yes, we have.

Well, you both better
forget it. Come on.

[Indistinct]

I'm sorry, but he's taken. Don't
worry. We'll find somebody interesting.

Georgette, I'm fine. Murray,

would you mind talking
to my friend Judith...

until I can find her
somebody interesting?

I didn't mean that you
weren't interesting, Murray.

I meant interesting to her.

Well, I know everybody
here. It could be a long wait.

The only people I know
here are Georgette and Ted.

Mm-hmm. Well, before I say the
wrong thing, how well do you know Ted?

I met Ted when he spoke to an
assembly at our junior high school.

- Oh, how was he?
- It's the first time 2,000
junior high school kids...

have ever been urged
to quit school and hook

up with a radio station
in Fresno, California.

[Laughs]

[Clears Throat]
Excuse me, Murray.

You're wasting the whole party.

If you don't make a connection pretty
soon, you're gonna go home empty-handed.

Now, fortunately, I've lined
somebody else up for you.

Well, I'd like to stay here
with Murray, if you don't mind.

Oh, I don't mind. I'd love it.

You wouldn't think it
was rude of me if I...

If I, uh, left, uh, this moment?

Oh, no. No. Oh, no. Oh.

Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray!

So, Mr. Grant, how'd you
enjoy my party last night?

Not so hot.

Well, that's the most you've
ever enjoyed one of my parties.

You'll never guess who
really got my goat last night.

Ted. Right.

Usually nothing
he says bothers me.

But when he introduced
me to that girl...

the one who was with
Murray all evening...

Yeah?

He said a lot of
things about my looks.

Well, that sort of bothered me.

Oh, Mr. Grant, how can
you let that bother you?

You're a very attractive man.

Me? Nah.

Well, Mr. Grant,

it just might surprise you
to know that women talk.

And women find you
very attractive. Me?

Yeah! Nah!

They do, really. Ah, go on!

Really. No kidding?

- No kidding.
- [Laughs]

Mr. Grant, they do.
Women find you... very sexy.

Sexy? [Laughs]

- I don't believe it.
- Well, it's true. Some women do.

What do you mean "some"?

Oh! Hey, are we crazy?

Even talking about
something like this is ridiculous.

Talkin' about a lug like me...

being in any way... sexy.

[Singsongy] Murray and
Judith. Murray and Judith.

You seen anything
like it? I ask you.

Anything like what? Oh,
come on, Lou. You get the drift.

Murray and Judith
at Mary's party.

Do I have to
spell it out for you?

"El love-o" at first
"sight-o." Okay, Ted.

Bring a girl for you, Lou,
and she ends up with Murray.

Well, some guys got
it, and some guys don't.

Oh, Ted. Mr. Grant wasn't
interested in meeting anyone new.

Oh, sure, Mar.
Stick up for the boss.

[Smacking Lips]

And, Ted, Judith and Murray were
simply talking. There is nothing going on.

Oh, sure. And it don't rain in
Indianapolis in the summertime.

[Laughs] Morning.

Morning. Morning.

[Exhales]

Good morning.

Come on, Murr. We haven't been waiting
here to hear what kind of a morning it is.

We know what kind
of a morning it is.

We wanna know what
kind of a night it was.

Ted!

Murray doesn't have
to tell anybody anything.

Just because his wife
wasn't at the party last night,

and he spent four hours talking
to a recently divorced woman...

and then drove her
home alone after the party.

Tell him, Murr!

- Nothing happened.
- See?

Mary, you funny little hothead.

You missed my drift. All I'm
trying to do is point out to Murray...

there's a little bug buzzing
around him, that's all.

And it's gonna bite ya, Murray.

What? What are you
talking about, Ted?

The love bug, Murray.
It's gonna bite you.

Ted, will you buzz off?

Sure, Murr. [Buzzing]

Mary, when you order office
supplies, add a giant can of Raid.

It's incredible. I talk
to a woman at a party.

I simply had a conversation
with a woman at a party.

Oh, come on,
Murray. You know Ted.

He blows things up
way out of proportion.

She has this piano she wants to
sell. I'm interested in buying a piano.

Marie and I have been wanting to
get a piano for a couple of years now.

So I may get Judith's. It
was all perfectly innocent.

Oh, boy!

Say, Mary, now, you don't
have to answer this, but...

Well, do you think there
was anything wrong...

- in my talking to Judith
at that party last night?
- No!

- Or in my asking her
to have lunch with me today?
- No!

Or in my not telling
her that I was married?

Mary, like I said, you
don't have to answer.

Oh, well, I just don't believe it. 4:30
and Murray is still not back from lunch.

Doesn't he know we have
a show to get on the air?

You know, it's fascinating.

Here in Minneapolis-St. Paul,
it's 4:30, and we're hard at work.

In New York, it's cocktail hour.

The lights are beginning to
twinkle on the Great White Way.

And in London, smartly-dressed theatergoers
are strolling down the Strand...

for a late supper at the Savoy.

And in Tokyo, it's tomorrow.

Actually tomorrow.

Do you realize there are
people alive here in Minneapolis...

who are already dead in Tokyo?

Hello, people of the newsroom!

Murray, you know it's
4:30 in the afternoon?

Oh, Lou, Lou, Lou,
don't be so upset!

Murray, a lot of news came in
over the wire while you were out.

You weren't here to get
it. What, news stories?

Yeah, news stories. Oh, Lou,
there will always be news stories.

Oh, really? Sure!

What's one or two news stories?
News stories come and go.

I mean, something is
happening all the time.

What the hell, Lou!

Boy, if this doesn't
take the ever-lovin' cake.

Boy, I've heard everything. He
comes in here cursing like a sailor.

We're talking trouble,
boy. Deep trouble.

What have you been
drinkin'? Pouilly-Fuissé.

- Too bad.
- What do you mean? What? Why?

I've been a newsman for 30
years. I've sobered up guys...

who were drunk on everything
from scotch to aftershave lotion.

But never once in my life
have I had to sober up anyone...

who was drunk on Pouilly-Fuissé.

I don't know what to do. I
don't know whether to give him...

black coffee or cheese.

Mary, I had a great lunch.

I may have just had
the greatest lunch...

in the entire history of lunch.

- What'd you have?
- An experience.

We went to this wonderful
little French restaurant.

Oh, we talked and
talked, about everything.

I told her about all the things
I want to do with my life...

All that stuff that's
hard to talk about.

And she listened,
Mary. She listened.

She thinks I'm cute.

The last time anybody
said I was cute,

I was.

- Murr, listen, you know that
you're my very dear friend.
- Yeah.

But Marie is my friend too.

And I'd just hate to see this
thing with you and Judith...

turn into... a cheap affair.

Hey.

You think it could?

[Knocking] Come in.

Lou, you got a second? Sure.

Now, look, I'm sorry about this
afternoon. Oh, hey, these things happen.

I've gotten sloshed like
that plenty of times myself.

I got a problem, Lou.

Oh, no, Lou. Would you
put that back, please?

My stomach is
still a little queasy.

It's about Judith and me.

Say, Lou... Oh, sorry.

Is this business or personal?

- Personal.
- Oh.

Guy talk, eh?
After-hours guy talk?

That kind of "getting closer
together" kind of talk? I can dig it.

So, what are we... What
are we rapping about?

Murray's love life?

Ted, there is no love life.

You see, Lou, that's
my problem. Nothing...

Nothing's happened. And I really
don't want anything to happen. But...

Well, strangely enough, I keep
feeling I'm missing something.

I keep feeling that
I'm missing a chance...

to experience a part of life
that will never come again.

Say, Murray, I know exactly
what you're talking about.

I mean, sometimes at
home at night lying in bed,

I go crazy thinking about
how much there is out there...

How much to do, how much to see.

And I live on a quiet block.

Listen, Murray,

it's not the things you
do in life that you regret,

it's the things you don't do.

I mean, in my whole life,
I have only one regret...

That on January 8, 1964,
I said to Holly Holmberg,

"I'm too busy tonight.
I'll see you tomorrow."

You know, Murray,
there was no tomorrow.

The carnival moved on.

Gee, Ted, that's
kind of touching.

I'll say. That's the last shot
I'll ever get at a trapeze artist.

Murray, you got somethin'
good. Don't mess it up.

I know, Lou. I mean, I've been
happily married for 18 years.

I mean, why do I wanna
start fooling around now?

Listen, Murray, anybody's
been married 18 years...

and hasn't fooled
around isn't normal.

Ted, I was married 26 years
and never fooled around.

Oh, 26, yeah, but not 18.

I mean, I don't
understand myself, Lou.

I mean, what I
have is wonderful.

Why do I want
something that's different?

- Well...
- Uh, can I... can I interrupt you?

Let me... Let me put it on
terms you can understand.

Let's say you're the
Minnesota Vikings.

And every time you play the Green
Bay Packers, it's a... it's a great game.

But that doesn't mean that's
the only team you want to play.

You don't wanna play them every
Sunday for the rest of your life.

You need a little Chicago Bears,

Kansas City Chiefs,

a little Houston
Oilers. [Mouths Word]

- I get your point, Ted.
- You not only made your point,

you've listed the entire schedule
of the Vikings's away games.

- You gonna see her again?
- Now, that's the thing.

She invited me up to
her apartment tonight.

Her apartment! Her apartment?

Well, end of discussion.

Look, she wants
to sell me her piano.

A piano! [Laughs] In her
apartment, after-hours, after work.

End of discussion.
Look, I need a piano.

Murray, take it from me, you
don't wanna play the piano.

You wanna play
the Houston Oilers.

So, Lou, what do you think?

Should I go to her
apartment or not?

- No.
- That's it?

You wanna debate,
go to William Buckley.

You want an answer,
I gave you one.

Okay. Well, I'd
better get goin'.

I told Marie I'd be home at
11:00, and already it's, uh,

7:15.

You're going there anyway, huh?

- Yeah.
- All right.

But just remember, you
start something tonight,

you won't just be doing something
you'll regret the rest of your life.

You're gonna be doing
something a lot worse.

You're gonna be
following Ted's advice.

I'm sorry to bother you, Mary,

but when Ted
called, I got so upset.

He said Murray is
having Judith on the side.

Oh, no.

No, Murray and Judith had lunch.

I feel so guilty. I was the
one that introduced them.

I'll never be able to look
Murray's wife in the face again.

- Gee, I didn't know
that you even knew Marie.
- I don't. Now I never will.

Georgette, nothing's
gonna happen.

Murray's just going
through a stage.

He's wondering if
women find him attractive.

[Doorbell Buzzes] Why doesn't
he just do what Ted does...

Stop them and ask them.

Hiya, Mar. Murr!

- Oh, hi, Georgette.
- I'll go fix us some coffee.

And, Murray, has anyone ever
told you you're an attractive man?

Because you are, you know.
You're a very attractive man.

Thanks. That oughta do it.

- Come on. Sit down.
- Uh, Mar, you said
I could talk to you anytime.

Yeah, right. Oh, look.
Do you have the time?

- Ten to 9:00.
- Oh, I thought it was
a little slow.

I wanna be home by 11:00. Oh.

Yeah. Uh, see, I'm gonna
stop at Judith's apartment...

- and look at her piano
on the way home.
- Uh-huh.

So what do you think?

Hey, Murr, don't
do this to me. What?

I... I think you
want some kind of

permission, and you're
just not gonna get it.

Coffee will be
ready in a minute.

Although, why an attractive man
like you needs coffee is beyond me.

I know what I have to ask you. Have
either one of you seen The Sting?

I did. What's it about?

It's wonderful. Paul
Newman and Robert Redford.

No, the plot. Just
describe the plot.

Well, they're sort of
con men. Con men, right.

Hey, Murr, why do you
want her to describe the plot...

when it's playing right down the street,
and you could be sitting there watch...

Oh, Murray!

I don't understand why
you said, "Oh, Murray."

Just because he wants to
know the plot of the movie...

in case somebody
should ask him...

Oh, Mary!

Everybody's finding out about me,
and I haven't even done anything yet.

Excuse me. I'm
going to the kitchen.

I don't think you wanna
discuss this in mixed company.

Mary, don't you see?

I mean, I gotta go there tonight to find
out what I'm gonna do when I get there.

Hey, Murr, look, you and I have
known each other a long time, right?

A long time. And we
respect each other?

We respect each other. You know
I'm not the kind of person to butt in.

Never. You never butt in. I don't go in
for psychological insights into people.

You know I never
do that, right? I know.

Until now. Check.

Murray, it is just... I don't think
you wanna go to see Judith at all.

It's so clear. I mean, it's so just really
clear that if you wanted to see Judith,

you would not be standing
here chatting with me at 9:00.

9:00? It's 9:00?
Look, I'll see ya, Mar.

[Door Slams] Where's
Murray going in such a hurry?

He's gonna buy a piano.

It must be some sale.

- Here you are.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

You're welcome. You're
welcome very much.

Well, uh, I see that's the
piano, I suppose, hmm?

No, that's a copy. I keep
the real one in my safe.

Hey, this is fun. It
looks like a great piano.

Uh, why don't I just go
over and give it a dry run.

It's been in my
family for years.

I learned my first Chopin
nocturne on this piano,

my first Bach prelude,

my first Beethoven sonata.

♪♪ ["Chopsticks"]

Has a nice tone.

Well, I don't really
play, really, you know. I...

- I just fool around.
- It's not bad for
fooling around either.

♪♪ [Intro]

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

♪ Exchanging glances ♪

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

♪ Exchanging glances ♪

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

♪ Exchanging glances ♪

♪ Hey ♪

You have a lovely singing voice.

Oh, you think so? Yeah.

No, I just kid around.
Hey, this is a great piano.

Oh, thanks.

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Exchanging glances ♪

♪ Strangers in the night ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Exchanging glances ♪

♪ Strangers in the night ♪♪
♪ Ooh ♪♪

Uh, we haven't
talked about price.

Uh, what are you asking generally?
You know, in the vicinity. Just generally.

Oh, in the general
vicinity? Yeah.

I was thinking
about, uh, $3,000.

$3,000! That's... Nice. Good!

Let's drink to that. Okay.

♪♪ [Humming:
"Strangers In The Night"]

Oh! That's funny. You
get sparks from the rug.

Maybe it's not the
rug. Oh, no. No.

I've been on rugs before.
You get plenty of sparks.

Oh.

Mmm.

Judith,

you think you'll come down a couple
of hundred dollars on the piano?

Well, sure, okay.
Yeah. How about, um,

2,500? Hey,
terrific. That's great.

I'll make out the
deposit. Uh, Murray,

we don't have to discuss
the piano tonight. Oh, I know!

Sure.

Hey, it's 10 after 10:00. That's
right. It's 10 after 10:00. So what?

Well, see, this is the thing...

I gotta be home by 11:00.

How far do you live?

Too far.

But look, Judith, I want you to
know that I think you're terrific.

Murray, it's all
right. I understand.

You don't have to explain.
Yeah, but I want to explain.

No, it's 10 after 10:00. Oh, that's
all right. I got about five minutes left.

Now look, I want
you to know that, well,

I'm sorry... that you
wasted your evening.

Oh, I... I don't consider
it a wasted evening.

No? No.

I've been trying to unload that
lousy piano for years. [Chuckles]

Well, good night.

Good night.

Hey, you know, I came
here tonight because...

I wanted to find out what I
would do when I got here.

And I want to thank you,

'cause it's gonna be nice
going home knowing...

this is what I did.

That's it, Mar. That's
all that happened.

Oh, Murr, I'm glad
everything worked out.

But you didn't have to come
all the way here to tell me.

No, that's okay, Mary.
It's only a quarter of 11:00.

- So everything's fine, huh?
- Yeah, everything's fine.

Uh, I just have
one little problem.

What's that? Well, I don't
know how to explain to Marie...

that I bought a piano while
I was watching The Sting.

[Mouths Word]

[Mews]