Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 4 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

Mary has noticed that Lou has been in an unusually happy and accommodating mood. Murray lets it slip that it's because of a woman. Lou is so happy, he is modernizing his wardrobe to impress this woman, who he wants Mary to meet. Taking Mary up on her offer to drop by anytime, Lou brings her by to Mary's apartment unannounced one evening. She is Charlene Maguire, a lounge singer/pianist, who has "been around". Regardless, Mary loves her. But Mary's description of Charlene to Murray and Ted makes Lou get cold feet about dating someone like Charlene, who has lived more than most women he has ever dated. Charlene feels hurt by Lou's brush-off, while Mary feels guilty for causing it. Is there anything Mary can say to Lou to reconsider giving Charlene the brush-off for good, and if so is there anything Lou can say to Charlene that would make her forgive him?

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

- Hiya, Mar.
- Hiya.

Boy, it's pouring. What brings
you in early on such a rotten day?

I am choosing colors.
Mr. Grant has finally,

finally allowed me to
redecorate the office.

- No kidding?
- Yeah. You know how he is.

He hates any kind of changes,
wants everything to stay the same.

- Walls, furniture...
- Salaries.

Anyway, after three
years, he's finally agreeable.

He's agreeable to almost
everything these days.

Oh, yeah? Something
certainly is pleasing him.

Yeah. Or someone.

Hey, Murray, is Mr. Grant
seeing somebody?

I don't know, Mar. I don't know.

That's an interesting
color. What do you call that?

Red. Murray, come on.

You can tell me. You know how
bad you are at keeping secrets.

- I'm not doing bad
on this one.
- Murray, tell.

I'm sorry. Wild horses
wouldn't drag this outta me.

Hi, guys.

Or wild jackasses,
for that matter.


♪♪ [Humming]

♪ Everybody knows ♪

♪♪ [Humming]

♪ That she's mighty
like a rose ♪♪

[Laughing] You're
in a good mood, Lou.

Why, thank you, Ted.
Must be the weather.

♪♪ [Humming]

Uh, Mr. Grant, what color
would you like for your office?

Oh, something springlike, Mary.

Something for a man who
feels 25 years younger.

- How about khaki?
- [Chuckling]

I leave it entirely in
your hands. Surprise me.

He really is happy.
Murray, isn't that terrific?

Guess you heard about the great
romance, eh? Kinda funny though.

Lou chasing after some
dumpy, middle-aged spinster.

Oh, come on, Ted. You
don't know she's like that.

Well, who else would
go out with Lou?

It's not as if he were
the Heartbreak Kid.

You know, it is funny, Mar, Lou
having a schoolboy crush. [Chuckling]

I'll bet she wears a checkered
apron and likes to make fudge.

You're the schoolboys, both
of you... giggling, acting jealous.

- I'm surprised at you, Murray.
- [Laughing]

How come you're
not surprised at me?

Notice anything different? No!

Uh, well, uh, now that
you mention it, yes.

- I-Is that a, uh, new jacket?
- Women always notice.

Well, no, I didn't at first, until
you said, "Did you notice,"

and then, of course, I
took a closer look, and...

What do you think?
It's velvet. Oh, re...

It's nice. "Nice"?

Very nice. [Clears
Throat] Groovy.

"Groovy"? You don't
usually use that kind of word.

Uh, you don't usually
wear that kind of jacket.

You goin' somewhere special?

Got a date.

♪♪ [Humming]

♪♪ [Stops]


What's the matter? Haven't you ever
seen anyone sing into a mirror before?

Oh, yeah. Ted sings
to his all the time.

Mostly, "And This
is My Beloved."

Yeah. So, you got a date, huh?

Yep. Is it... [Coughing]

anyone I know?

No. Known her long?

- Week.
- What's she like?

- Nice.
- What does she do?


Well, I'd love to meet her.
She sounds fascinating.

Yeah, she's terrific.

I really don't look right
in a turtleneck, do I?

Oh, well, I... It's the ears. I don't
have the right ears for a turtleneck.

I think you look fine.

I look like a turtle.

Well, listen, I'd... I'd love to have
the two of you drop by sometime.

Okay. When? Oh, anytime.

Mary, when people say
"anytime," they don't mean it.

That's the last thing they
do mean. No, I do mean it.

Really. Please, drop by
sometime. I'd love to meet her.

Okay, you'll like her.
Yeah. Okay, good.

♪♪ [Humming] Say...
Oh, Lou, great threads!

Yeah? Yeah?

[Sniffing] What's that odor?

It smells like burnt
rubber. [Sniffing]

It's my aftershave lotion, Ted.


What's the name of
it? I'd like to get some.

[Doorbell Buzzing]


Mary, meet Charlene Maguire.

Wow! I mean, uh, hi!

No, "wow" was just fine.

Gee, did we catch
you just going out?


I'm sorry. We shouldn't
bust in on you this way.

Come on. We gotta go.
Why should we be sorry?

She said, drop by
anytime. Well, here we are.

So come in, please. I-I
was, uh, just under my sink.

Here, here, here. Let
me take a look at that.

I'm usually good
at that kind of thing.

That'll give the two of you
a chance to get acquainted.

Uh, thank you. Uh, come in.

I-I hope you'll forgive
my appearance.

- Why? I think you look terrific.
- Uh, yeah.

I think gloves are really
elegant for evening, don't you?

- Can I get you a drink?
- Stay there. I'll get it.

- You two get acquainted.
- Listen, believe it or not,

these are my work clothes.

I sing and play piano at a
bar called the Quarter Note.

Oh, well, Mr. Grant
never actually, uh...

Never actually said. [Chuckles]

Gee, it's funny. I had a
different picture of you altogether.

I mean, somehow, I just
figured that you'd be, uh...

- Younger?
- No.

- Older?
- No. No. I just, uh...

I guess I just never pictured Mr. Grant
going out with anyone quite so, uh...

- Musical.
- Right.

Here you go.

First I fix the drink,
then I fix the sink.

Oh. No, Mr. Grant,
don't bother with that.

Come on and join us. No, no.

You two are just
getting acquainted.

You two are getting
acquainted, aren't you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, you bet.

Oh, good. I'll just, uh, go
knock the sludge out of your trap.

Be careful. It's really dirty in there.
You don't wanna ruin your new turtleneck.

Gee, you think there's a chance?

I, uh, take it you don't
like it much either, huh?

Oh, are you kidding? I love it.

Tonight was like being out
with a 200-pound bumblebee.

So, you're a pianist, huh?

Wrong. Horowitz is a
pianist. I'm a saloon singer.

Oh. In fact, that's
where I met Lou.

He came in one night, put a
dollar in the brandy snifter...

and asked me to sing, "The Navy Gets
the Gravy, But the Army Gets the Beans."

Well, that stumped me. And after
12 years on the road with a band...

and three marriages,
I don't stump easy.

What band were you
with? Is it one I know?

Did you ever hear of
Jimmy Dorsey? Sure.

Yeah? Well, no
one in this band had.

Well, good morning,
Sue Ann. Hello, Mary.

Are these our decorating plans?

Uh, no, these are
my decorating plans.

Dear, I'd hate to see you
become a laughingstock. Oh?

To begin with...
[Laughs] nylon carpeting?

Mary, you're just kidding,
aren't you? Say you're kidding.

No, as a matter of fact,
I was pretty serious.

I like it. Look, Murray.


Nylon carpeting.

[Both Laughing]

Must be the way she tells it.

And another thing, dear.

No one has used Danish
modern chairs since 1959.

Oh? What do you suppose
they're sitting on in Copenhagen?

Frankly, dear, I don't
even like to think about it.

Murray, guess what. Last night
I met Charlene, Mr. Grant's girl,

and she is just simply
fantastic. Oh, yeah?

Really. What makes
her so fantastic?

All right. Maybe
"fantastic" is a silly word.

Let's just say one of
the warmest, nicest,

most interesting
people I've ever met.

And they say eavesdroppers
never hear good of themselves.

All right, Ted. I wasn't talking about
you. I was talking about Charlene.

Charlene? Mr. Grant's girl.

How come you never think
my chicks are interesting?

What's so interesting
about Charlene?

Well, it's just hard to
know where to start.

I mean, we... Well, to
give you an example,

she was on the road with a
band when she was 16 years old.

Hey. And one of her husbands...

pitched in both major leagues.

Can you imagine? Oh! She was the
only girl on a marine base in Korea.

How about that? I mean,
she was telling us stories.

She had us up until... What? 2:00
this morning. We were laughing.

[Chuckles] Uh...

Mary, you wanna get that
painter's estimate for me?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Boy, Lou, that sounds
like, uh, some gal. Yeah!

- Yeah. Yeah, she's something.
- You old son of a gun.

[Both Laughing]

You know, I never pictured
you with a band singer.

W-Well, what's wrong
with a band singer?

Nothing. It's great. Look,
when I was a bachelor,

that was worth two
nurses and a stewardess.

Hey, on the road
when she was 16.

Isn't that against
some kind of law?

Not if she's legally married
to the trombone section.

Hey, Lou, how many
husbands has she had?

[Chuckles] Wh-What's
the difference?

Yeah, right. Beyond a certain
point, what's the difference?

- Married to a ballplayer, huh?
- No. Uh, okay, Ted.

I bet it didn't take Lou
long to get to first base.

Look, just drop it. Nobody
ever strikes out with her.

Come on. I'll bet she's
really teaching him...

about our national
pastime. [Laughing]

Here you are,
Mr. Grant. Oh, by the way,

would you and Charlene like
to come to dinner tomorrow?

Uh, n-no.

I-I don't think so, Mary.
Thanks anyway. Oh.

Well, what about
some other night?

I... I-I'll see, Mary.

I'll see.

[Doorbell Buzzing]

Who is it? Charlene Maguire.

- Uh, come on in.
- Mary, good morning.

- Is it too early?
- Hi. No. Come in.

I figured what with your
hours and my hours,

this would be the only
time that we could really talk.

I didn't know people
really got up this early.

Once you get used to it,
it's a beautiful time of day.

Oh, yeah.

- What's that funny smell?
- Oh, it's bacon, I guess.

You're gonna eat? Now?

Well, yeah. Sure. Breakfast.
You're gonna eat all that?

It's just that I think breakfast is
the most important meal of the day.

Oh, yeah? I always thought
that was hors d'oeuvres.

Listen, excuse me for just
busting in like this, huh?

No, really, I'm delighted.
Would you like a cup of coffee?

That I could handle. I was
hoping I'd see you again.

Yeah, me too.

I don't know what's gotten
into our friend Sulky the Bear.

- I was hoping maybe you'd know.
- Me? Why?

Well, because you've
known him longer.

Is it really like him to
just turn off on people?

Break dates? Not return calls?

No, it isn't. It's not
like him at all. Mary!

What? You're not gonna
eat cereal and eggs?

Well, yeah, protein. You know,
just minimum adult daily requirement.

Mary, I know I can't
call you my friend.

- Yeah, you can. I'm your friend.
- Then what happened?

My guess is that somebody said the
wrong thing about you to the wrong people.

Oh, come on. Who would
do a lousy thing like that?

Your new friend.

Anyway, I guess I was just dumb
enough to talk about your life...

to people who don't
know you the way I do.

And they convinced Lou that
a girl who had been around...

was no fit companion
for a boy who hadn't.

Well, yeah, something like that.

Yeah. Well, that's life.

Ah, silly, isn't
it? But that's life.

[Bell Dings]

Mary, what was that? What?

That bell. I didn't
hear anything.

Mary, your timer just
went off... Corn muffins!

Mary, dear, I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to put my foot down...

about venetian
blinds in the cafeteria.

They're nothing but dust
catchers. It's terribly unsanitary.

I'm sorry, Sue Ann,
but you'll have to admit...

that the curtains that were
there before were pretty bad.

Now, Mary,

I'm sure you weren't
aware when you said that...

that I designed the curtains
that were there before.

So I'm just gonna
pretend you didn't say that.

I think that's part
of being adult...

Learning to overlook
the all-too-human errors...

that each of us is prone to.

That's why I'm not
gonna say one word...

about that cruddy
wallpaper in the men's room.

- Did you crash the men's room?
- Of course not.

I went as somebody's guest.

Mary, the paint in my
dressing room is wrong.

But, Ted, you picked it. I
asked for rose. That's pink.

Pink is no color for a man.

Pink is for girls.

Blue is for boys.

Ted, flesh-colored
walls needn't look naked.

Let's think bold. How about
hanging plants and throw rugs?

How about hanging
rugs and throwing plants?

Mary, I cut this out of a
magazine. [Clears Throat]

It might give you an idea the way
I'd like my dressing room to look.

Ted, that's the Sistine Chapel.

Ted, I can give you
just six minutes...

of top-level
aesthetic expertise.

Then I have to
go dunk my fritters.

Oh, Murray, why does
everyone complain to me?

Why do I get all the
flack? You're in charge.

Besides, Lou hasn't been
out of his office all day.

He won't read copy.
He won't make decisions.

He can't even choose
what color to paint his office.

The whole thing is
so silly. Here he finally

meets somebody
he really cares about.

He lets a little dumb
talk ruin everything.

Somebody oughta go in there and tell him
if he breaks up with Charlene, he's crazy.

All right.

Come in.


- Mr. Grant, um, about the office decor...
- Who cares?

Well, that's true. Taste
is a very personal matter.

In 50 years, we'll all be dead.

Well, yes, seen in the
larger sense, that is true.

So what's the difference?
The difference is...

the painters are gonna be here tomorrow,
and you still haven't chosen a color.

Okay. Black.

You can't have a black office.

Okay. Not black.

Mr. Grant, you
can't go on like this.

Whatever happened to that wonderful
man who was in here last week...

wearing that
funny-looking turtleneck?

Singing that dumb song?

Wearing that smelly
aftershave lotion?

- Whatever happened to him?
- He was too beautiful to live.

- Why did you
stop seeing Charlene?
- Mary, she's not for me.

Why? [Mutters]

I just can't see myself
with that sort of woman.

What... sort of woman?

I can't discuss the sort of woman
she is with the sort of woman you are.

That's the sort of woman she is.

No, wait. This is crazy.
Are you telling me...

that you're breaking
up with Charlene...

because she's known
some other men?

Yeah, that's what
I'm telling you.

Well, I just... I can't believe
that you could be that petty...

and that narrow-minded
and shallow.

Sure I can.

Okay. Okay, so there
have been some other men.

Not "some other
men." Lots of other men.

Well, what's the
cutoff point, Mr. Grant?

I mean, is there some number?
You know, I'd really like to know.

How many men is a
woman allowed to have...

before she becomes
that sort of woman?


Well, if that's your
attitude, Mr. Grant,

then I just don't think you and
I have anything to talk about.

If you're gonna break up
with a wonderful woman...

just because of some
arbitrary standards,

then I-I don't wanna
have anything to do with it.

It's your life. If
you're gonna ruin it,

then, boy, I just... I wash
my hands of the entire matter.


♪ Life is just a
bowl of cherries ♪

♪ Don't take it serious
It's too mysterious ♪

♪ You work, you
save You worry so ♪

♪ But you can't take your
dough when you go, go, go ♪

♪ Keep repeating
It's the berries ♪

♪ The strongest oak must fall ♪

This seat taken?

♪ The sweet things
in life ♪ Help yourself.

♪ To you were just loaned ♪

How ya doin'? ♪ So
how can you lose ♪

♪ What you've never owned ♪
Lookin' good.

♪ Life is just a
bowl of cherries ♪

I guess you're wonderin' why I haven't
called. ♪ So live and laugh at it all ♪♪

Thank you very much.
Glad you could join me.

Yeah, Lou, in answer to
your question... ♪♪ [Piano]

I have wondered
why you didn't call.

I'll tell you straight-out.

Excuse me. This is personal.

Okay, here it is. I'm
gonna lay it on the line.

You've led a lot
more active life...

than anyone I've ever
known, and it was throwin' me.

But that's all over now.

I don't care about your past. I don't
care how many guys you've been with.

Four, five...

We've got to look at
today... The present.

Clean slate, fresh start,
next case, what's new.

I said this was personal.

So in other words, what you're
trying to say is you forgive me?

Yeah. That's it. I forgive you.

Aw. [Chuckles]

Lou, go home. Huh?

- What do you mean?
- I mean, good-bye.

Play "You Made Me Love You."

Let's show these kids
us old-timers can sing too.

♪♪ [Piano] ♪ You
made me love you ♪

♪ I didn't wanna do it
I didn't wanna do it ♪

♪ You made me love you ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And all the time you knew
it I guess you always knew it ♪

- Charlene...
- ♪ You made me happy sometimes ♪

Listen... ♪ You made me sad ♪

Listen, I gotta talk to you. ♪
And there were times, dear ♪

All I meant was... ♪ You
made me feel so bad ♪

Yeah, you tell 'em. You
wanna sing, go somewhere else.

♪ I didn't wanna tell ya
I didn't wanna tell ya ♪

I hate this song. ♪ I
want a love that's true ♪

♪ Yes, I do Indeed, I
do You know I do ♪♪

Hey, hold it! Look, you,
you... ♪♪ [Continues]

Hey, you. [Mouths
Words] ♪♪ [Piano Stops]

I'm buying drinks for everybody.

Hey, hey! Over there.

Hey! Come on, come on.

Hurry up before they
run out. Thanks, mister.

Thanks! Get goin',
get goin'. Yeah.


Listen, I gotta
tell you the truth.


Whatever I was saying
before about your past, forget it.

Forget it.

It's not your past
that's bothering me.

It's my past. I
haven't even got one.

I guess...

I was trying to tell myself that...
you weren't good enough for me.

The truth is,

I was afraid that...

I wasn't gonna be...

good enough for you.

Good enough?

Lou, I have a feeling...

you're gonna be the best
thing that ever happened to me.



Boy. ♪♪ [Piano]

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme what I cry for ♪

Hey, no, no. ♪ You know
you've got the brand of kisses ♪

♪ That I'd die for ♪ Hey, come
on, Charlene. People are watching.

♪ You know you made me ♪

♪ Love you ♪♪

[Applause] [Cheering]

Those walls are pink,
Mary. That's not rose. [Sighs]

- Roses are red.
- Violets are blue.

- That paint is all wet, Ted.
- And so are you.

If Charlene calls, tell her I'm in
a meeting, and I'll call her back.

Charlene the band singer?
You're still seeing her?

That's right... Charlene.

And I'm gonna go on seeing her.

She happens to be one of the
most terrific ladies I've ever met.

And if anybody doesn't
like it, that's just too bad!

And don't you two forget it!