Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 3 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

After Ted makes what may be his most libelous on-air gaffe ever, Lou's reaction is to assault Ted physically by throwing him through the studio doors. Lou thinks nothing of his act as he sees it as something he needed to do to get his anger for Ted out of his system. Even Mary's railings against him don't make Lou change his mind about his action. It isn't until Ted has a resulting neck injury that Lou starts to feel remorseful. Ted starts to take advantage of Lou's feelings of guilt by asking for more and more, including sharing Lou's office with him and having a new editorial spot at the end of the newscast. What Ted is doing ends up also affecting Mary and Murray negatively. Lou may only be able to take so much of what Ted is doing, but whether Lou will resort to physical violence is the question.

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♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

[Ted On TV] The school bond
issue is almost certain to pass.

In the runoff election between
Henderson and McCullough,



the next few hours
will tell the story.

It's up to the voters now.

That's the last item and
we still have 30 seconds.

Oh, no. You mean Ted's
gonna have to ad-lib?

Oh.

Now, uh, as a reporter, I'm
supposed to remain neutral.

I'm not supposed
to have an opinion.

But since we do have a few
moments, let me just say this.

You're crazy if you don't
all vote for Henderson.

[Mutters]

Understand, I'm
not taking sides,

but just between you
and me and the lamppost,

I hear that McCullough is
a pretty shady character.

This is Ted Baxter saying good
night and good news. [TV Clicks Off]



That is the most unprofessional
thing Ted has ever done.

- I think we all need
a long vacation.
- You're right.

I've got a week coming.
What can you do in a week?

Well, outside of creating
the world and resting, nothing.

Can you believe it?

Endorsing one candidate
and libeling the other on the air.

What happened in there? I
just threw Ted out of the studio.

Threw him out? You
mean you fired him?

No, I mean I grabbed him
and threw him through the door.

Mr. Grant, how
could you do that?

I know. I feel terrible.

With just the slightest
change in trajectory,

I could have thrown
him out the window.

You know, I think he means
it. I think he really did that.

Well, probably. Well, so what?

Well, Murray, it's just the thought of
physical violence. I don't believe in it.

But that's Lou's nature. He's a
hawk. You're a dove. Ted's a cuckoo.

Murray! Don't joke.

I'm sorry. Hey, Mar,
what's the matter?

It's just the thought of
someone being physically injured,

I just don't like
it. I never have.

It's bothered me
since I was a kid.

A girl I knew broke her leg,
and I had to go tell her mother.

Murray, I... I began to stammer.

For 10 minutes, all I could
do was stammer at her.

I mean, there she... there she
was, and then there... [Stammering]

Now, steady, Mary. Steady.

Somebody oughta go in there and tell him
he can't go throwing people through doors.

Well, uh, I'd
love to do it, Mar,

but, uh, I'm afraid he'd
throw me through the door.

Mr. Grant, I know that your
conduct is none of my business.

None. And I know
that you're very angry.

No, I'm not, Mary. No.
That's all over and done with.

Once I saw Ted smash
through that door...

waving both arms and screaming,

a kind of inner peace
descended on my soul.

Yes. Well, that's what I
wanted to talk to you about.

Never bear a grudge, Mary. If
you're steamed, do something about it.

Yeah. And afterwards, it's
forgiven and forgotten. See?

No! No, I don't. Physical
violence never settles anything.

Physical violence has
settled every war in history,

all football games, most prize fights
and several marriages I can think of.

Well, that's not the point.
I am talking about you.

All right, Mary, talk about me.

Mr. Grant, you're one of
the nicest people I know.

You're... You're
good and you're fair.

And we all respect you, but
you've got this violent streak in you.

And it scares people.
It even scares me.

Oh, come on, Mary.
I'd never belt you.

Mr. Grant, you have
a very bad temper, and

one of these days you're
gonna hurt somebody.

I didn't hurt, Ted. I
barely touched him.

"Smash through that door
waving both arms and screaming"?

Oh, I just made that up.

I talk tough, Mary,
but I don't hurt people.

[Knocking] Come in.

- Ted!
- Don't touch me!

- [Stammering]
- I don't think I can
come into work tomorrow.

I can't move my head. Oh, Ted.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's not your fault, Lou.

It happened after you threw me. I
skidded into the cigarette machine.

Well, they told you it was
hazardous to your health.

Oh, Ted, your
whole... [Stammering]

I've gotta get to a doctor.

Now, forget the doctor. You're
going to the hospital. Here. Come on.

[Groans] Lean on me and
I'll help you down to my car.

I don't think I can make
it to the car. That's too far.

Don't worry. Don't worry.
I'll carry you to my car. Lou.

Huh? [Stammering]

Be gentle. Yes.

- Mr. Grant,
you can't carry him.
- What do you mean?

- He's too heavy for you.
- She's right. Here. Use this table.

It'll just make me heavier.

No, it's got wheels.
[Ted Groans]

Lou, Mary, tell the gang I said my last
words were, "I want the news to go on."

So, how are you
feeling? Still hurt?

You know the old expression, Mar...
only when I laugh. [Laughs, Groans]

Ted, is there anything
we can do? Oh, no, no.

Georgette was by
my side all morning.

She read to me, fed me
and gave me a sponge bath.

Fluffed up my pillows. I
finally sent her home. Ahh.

Yeah, she was starting
to get on my nerves.

Boy, a private
room. It's really nice.

When I first came here, they put me in
a ward. You know how I got this room?

The ward pitched in?

Lou insisted. He said
he'd pay whatever the cost.

It's the least he can do.

Well, I've gotta meet
Marie. Don't get up, Ted.

[Chuckles] Thanks
for coming, Murr.

Thanks for the candy. How did
you know it was my favorite kind?

I didn't. I just wanted
to give you something...

to show you how I
really feel about you.

Good old Murr. Want
a jawbreaker, Mar?

No, thanks, Ted.

Oh, I appreciate
the flowers too.

Oh, well, you know, sick
room, hospital... It's traditional.

Yeah. I don't know why
people just don't give the cash.

Oh! I went to the game store
and got the stuff you wanted.

Oh, yeah. It's not for me. But you never
know. My nephew may come to visit.

What'd you get? Yeah.

Got your Parcheesi...

and your Chinese checkers...

and a little game that you shake
and make the little balls roll into the...

The clown's nose? No, no.
They were out of that. I asked.

This one, you shake
it and the little balls...

form the outline of a duck.

Gee, I never tried
that one before.

Well, I imagine it works on pretty much
the same principle as the clown's nose.

Hi, old buddy. Hi, Mary.

Hello, Mr. Grant. How
very nice of you to drop by.

Say, you're not still mad at me?

I don't think this is the time
or the place to discuss that.

But I wanna know. But don't you
think you should chat with Ted?

Why should I "chat"
with Ted? I like you better.

You came to see Ted.

Don't mind me. This
is better than television.

So, uh, how you feeling?

Well, not bad. I'm
not complaining.

A guy learns to live
with constant pain.

Gee, I... I'm sorry, Ted.

Here. I brought
you some flowers.

Oh, I already have some.

Oh.

Say, I wonder if there's
someplace I could put these.

Beats me.

That's okay. What the heck.

I'll just stand
here and hold 'em.

That way Ted can
enjoy 'em while we "chat."

Well, Ted, I think
I'll be running along.

Oh, don't leave now, Mar.

I've got everything but the
one webbed foot and the beak.

No, no, Ted. I don't wanna tire someone
who's been through as much as you have.

Bye-bye.

So, what'd the doctor say?

He said I'm a lucky guy, Lou.

Not too many people
survive an accident like that.

You mean just being
thrown out... No, no, no.

Four-car collision. Huh?

I had to make up something, Lou.

I didn't want anyone to
think you did this. Oh, yeah.

And, uh... And they
say you're lucky? I'll say.

Boy, if the fire had hit the gas
tank, it'd been curtains for sure.

Well, if there's
anything I can do... No.

No, no, no. I mean it.
Anything. You just ask.

Ask me for anything. How 'bout
a glass of water? Here. Here.

Take a glass of water. Okay.

Wait. How 'bout a cube? Let's
put a cube in it. [Ice Clinking]

There you go. Remember:

For what I did to you, I'd
be happy to do anything.

Anything?

Anything.

Would you... Would
you sign my neck brace?

[Scoffs] Would I sign your
neck brace? Of course I will.

Sign it to Ted Baxter, the
world's best anchorman.

Ted Baxter.

The world's...
best... anchorman.

For whom...

For whom... I will do anything.

I...

How do they expect me to rewrite a snow
bulletin when it's like a furnace in here?

Why are you rewriting
a snow bulletin?

Well, Ted says that when he reads the
snow bulletin, he wants people to shudder.

I tried to explain that all his
newscasts have that effect.

Since when do you let Ted
tell you how to write your copy?

I guess I'm feeling
sorry for him, because,

well, you know, he's
working with a handicap.

Although, that never
bothered me before.

Who fooled with the thermostat?

Well, I did, Lou. I thought it would
be a nice conservation gesture...

to turn it down to 85.

Murray, you mustn't
turn down the thermostat.

Ted should be in a warm place.

Someday, if there's any justice.

Hi, guys. [Mary] Hi, Ted.

Hello, Ted. Ted.

Hey, what do you think?

Oh, autographs. Yeah,
that's a switch, isn't it?

Me getting autographs
from ordinary people.

Though they are my public.

Yeah. It takes a lot of guts to let
them get that close to your throat.

Oh, Lou!

Lou, can I use your phone
to make a couple of calls?

What's wrong with
your phone? Okay, okay.

You don't want me to use your
phone? No phone. No phone, no phone.

Doctor says I shouldn't climb
any stairs to my dressing room,

but you say no phone,
no phone, no phone.

Ted! Use the phone.

Thanks, Lou.

[Fingers Snap] I think I
have our weather bulletin.

Sleet and high
winds to be followed...

by the biggest
snow job in history.

Gee, that's a
terrific-looking chair, Lou.

I wish I had one like this in
my dressing room. Come on!

What's wrong with the
chair in your dressing room?

Oh, that's right. You never
get down there, do you?

And why should you?
Why climb all those stairs...

when all you have to do is go
directly into the studio from this office?

What do you want from me?
You want me to give you my office?

Oh, no, Lou, I don't want
you to give me this office.

I want you to share it with me.

Share my office?

Sure. Why not, Lou? All it would
take is a little chair right over there.

You wouldn't mind sitting in
a little chair, would you, Lou?

Ted! Ted. [Groaning]

It's all right. It'll pass. It's just a
little spasm. They always go away.

Okay, Ted. You can share my office,
but only until your neck gets better.

Oh, Lou, Lou,
it'll be wonderful.

We'll be roommates! [Chuckles]

That way we can sit together and
rap about my new feature on the show.

- Your new what?
- Three minutes at the end
of every show,

Ted Baxter speaks out on the
important issues of the day...

You know, like Eric Sevareid.

Except... Except when I do it,
you'll be able to understand it.

Uh, uh, no, no. No,
Ted, I don't think it'll work.

Why not, Lou? Murray could write it.
Mary could come up with some ideas.

It's something I've wanted
to do all my life, Lou.

No, Ted. I really
don't care for it.

Oh, come on, Lou! Let
me try, just this once?

If you don't like it, you can
do what you always do...

Pick me up and throw
me through a door.

Oh, boy. Some day this
turned out to be, huh, Murr?

Oh, the worst. It's bad enough I
have to write one opinion spot for Ted,

but I had to write three
so he can choose. Mmm.

Remember that little
girl I told you about

in grammar school, the
one who broke her leg?

Oh, yeah. I just realized
something. She used people too.

I mean, everybody carried her
books for her, opened doors for her.

Teacher felt so sorry
for her, he made me

switch parts with her in
the Christmas pageant.

He made her the sugarplum fairy.

I got to be half a camel.

[Buzzes]

Yes? No, still here.

Yeah, he's here too.

We'll be right in.

You guys weren't slipping
out already, were you?

Slipping out?
Ted, it's after 8:00.

I finally came up with
a title for my new spot...

"A Piece Of My Mind."

Well, if they can split
an atom, why not?

Now all I need is a
topic for my first editorial.

Ted, we already gave you
three... industrial pollution,

runaway prices and
political spending.

Yeah, uh, nothing
personal, guys,

but... boring.

Boring?

Murray, they're all safe
subjects. Everybody's done them.

I wanna go after the real
sacred cows, like single women.

What about single women?

How come they let you buy them
dinner if they don't expect any action?

Ted, you can't do an editorial
because you keep striking out.

- Mr. Grant is never
gonna allow that.
- Kids, trust me.

I'm the honcho on this
project. I'll handle Lou.

Ted, don't you think that you're
carrying this thing just a little too far?

I know it's late. We're
all tired. What do

you say we get some
coffee and talk about it?

Oh, gee, I'd like to,
Mary, but I've got a date.

And you two have got an
awful lot of work to do. [Chuckles]

Wonder where he got the picture.

Where else? His wallet.

Here you are, Mr. Grant. I
made you an after-dinner drink.

Thank you, Mary.

What are you up to? Well, since
when do I have to be up to something...

just 'cause I ask you over
for dinner and a few drinks?

I just wanted to know why
you're trying to ply me with alcohol.

[Scoffs] Ply you with alcohol? You
know, that's really kind of insulting.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mary. I
didn't mean to insult you.

Oh, forget it.

Here. Let me
freshen that for you.

Mary! All right, okay.

I do wanna have a talk with you.

Okay, but don't feel you
have to lead up to it. Shoot.

Right. Just shoot. Just
lay it on the line straight out.

Yeah. Okay, here it
is. Shoot you want.

Shoot you're gonna get.

Mr. Grant, before
I say this... Mary...

Yes, okay, you're right. No
more beating around the bush.

Which I've always thought
was a really dumb expression.

Okay, Mr. Grant, I
don't... suppose...

that you remember a
discussion that we had?

It was about Ted,
um, oh, and violence...

and your being gentler.

I don't suppose you
remember any of that, do you?

Every word.

It's probably the most memorable
thing you've ever said to me.

How'd you like to forget it?

- I don't understand.
- Mr. Grant, Ted is getting
away with murder.

The old Mr. Grant just
wouldn't have stood for that.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

The old Lou Grant
would have yelled...

and bullied and scared
poor Ted half to death.

I know, I know.

I don't get this. First, you
come to me. You tell me,

Mr. Grant, you have a violent
nature, so you must try to change.

Mm-hmm. So after considerable
soul searching, I changed.

I've become what you see now...

A gentle, tolerant, peace-loving,
nonviolent pussycat.

Then... Then you
come to me tonight...

and you tell me you've decided
you like me the way I was.

Well, now, Mary, I've
got something to tell you.

I like the way I am.

And this is how
I intend to stay...

A gentle, tolerant,

peace-loving,
nonviolent pussycat!

So you just better get used
to the new Lou Grant, Mary.

From now on, I'm
going to be the warmest,

sweetest, nicest,
most sympathetic,

considerate, understanding
human being...

you ever met in your life.

I don't think I
like you anymore.

[Ted On TV] This goes now
to the states for approval.

In order for the bill to pass,

it must be ratified by
two-thirds of the 48 states.

Oh, two more.

Correction. Make
that four-thirds.

Now we present a
new department...

"A Piece Of My Mind."

- Which one is he doing?
- I don't know. He wrote it himself.

- Shh, shh.
- Tonight
"A Piece Of My Mind"...

examines big business
versus the little man.

Now, for years, the little man
has been taking it on the chin.

Well, good news, my friends.
Today, the tables have turned.

Ted Baxter, the reporter
who wouldn't be intimidated,

announced a
lawsuit for $250,000...

against station WJM
for gross negligence.

What?

He's suing his own
station... on the air!

[Ted] I wanna
make one thing clear.

I don't include producer
Lou Grant in this action.

[Snorts]

Now, Lou can't be responsible for
everything that goes on at his station.

[Gagging]

And I know Lou joins me in hoping
this suit teaches the certain station...

that human safety isn't
something to be trifled...

[TV Clicks Off]

When Mr. Baxter
finishes the news,

have him step into my office.

What are you doing? Just
getting the ambulance warmed up.

Oh, Ted, Lou would like to
see you in his office. Right.

Say, Mar, what did
Lou say about the show?

Oh, he... [Stammering]

Speechless, huh? [Chuckles]

Boy, I think I threw a pretty
good scare into the station.

Ted, look into my eyes.

Why, sure, Lou.

What do you see there? Oh...

Oh, why...

I... I wasn't really gonna
go through with it, Lou.

I was just gonna
worry them a little bit.

Use it for leverage. Get
a little more vacation.

You've got just 20 seconds
to take down those pictures...

while your face
still resembles them.

I wasn't gonna ask for
a lot of vacation. Just

a couple of weeks
till my neck got better.

Oh, what the heck. I'm
feeling practically fine, Lou,

thanks to your
chair and your office.

I don't need any vacation
at all. I feel just great.

In fact, I'll stay late, I'll
work early. [Chuckles]

Weekends, Lou.
Holidays and my birthday.

[Panting]

[Whimpers]

I'm going to my dressing room
now to work on tomorrow's show.

Did, uh, everything
go all right in here?

Yeah, it went
all right. [Buzzes]

Mr. Grant's office.

Yes, this is Mr. Grant's office.

No, it is no longer
Ted Baxter's office.

Yes, I'm sure.
You're very welcome.

- Who was it?
- Ted.

And the great thing is, Mary,
I never laid a hand on him.

Good for you, Mr. Grant. And don't
you feel better that you were able...

to convey to Ted
that you were angry...

and who was boss without
resorting to violence?

Yeah, I feel a
lot better. Right.

Mary, would you do one
little thing for me? Yeah, sure.

Get a hold of building maintenance
and tell 'em I need a new door.

Right. Uh, Mr. Grant,
what's wrong with this door?

As soon as you leave, I'm
gonna put my fist through it.

[Mews]