Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 23 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

Ted is honored when he is asked by a man named Alan Marsh to lend his name to a broadcasters' school he is planning on opening in Minneapolis. Lou allows Ted this honor as long as it is done on Ted's own name, and is not associated with the station. Ted sees the school as being the next step on his road to national fame and fortune, as he can see other "Ted Baxter" schools eventually being opened across the country. Alan ends up doing all the work, with Ted getting all the glory. But Ted also ends up with all the bills as Alan, on the day of the school's gala opening, ends up skipping town, probably with all the tuition collected, which is $300 per student. If he is to do the right thing, Ted could be on the hook for several thousand dollars in the refund of tuition alone. Although Lou stated that Ted was not to use the station's name in the promotion, Mary realizes that the station is nonetheless involved through Ted's name association with it. So Mary comes up with what she believes is an idea to get both Ted and the station out of trouble. Mary's plan hits a bit of a snag when they arrive at the opening gala.

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪


Newsroom. Who?

Mrs. Morgenstern? It's
Rhoda's mother from New York.

[Laughs] She says
she can't talk long,

'cause somebody's waiting
to vandalize her phone booth.

Mrs. Morgenstern, how are you?

Well, no. I'm not busy
Thursday night so far. Why?

Tony Kramer is coming into town!

I don't know Tony Kramer.

What do you mean,
would I like to...

No, Mrs... Mrs.
Morgenstern, I really... I...

Hello, Tony.

Thursday night. Uh, yeah.
Sure. Thursday will be fine.


Well, thank you. It was nice
talking to you too. Bye-bye.

Listen, uh, Mrs. Morgenstern...

Yes, he did. He
sounded very nice.

But Mrs...

No, you're... you're right,
Mrs. Morgenstern. I'm not.


You're not what, Mar?

Getting any younger.

Hey, guys. Everybody,
you gotta hear this.

It's the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to me.

Come on in, Lou. Great news!

What is it now, Ted?

Oh, Lou. How come every time I
come to you to say something...

you say, "What is it now, Ted?"

like I'm gonna say
something dumb.

How come every time I see
a duck I expect it to quack?

No, no, no. You
answer my question first.

Well, what's your
hot news flash, Ted?

All right, all right. I just
got a call from this guy.

He's coming up to meet me now.


He's setting up a
school for broadcasters,

and he wants to use my name.

The Ted Baxter Famous
Broadcasting School.

It'll be here in Minneapolis to start,
but it could spread all over the country.

Unless they find
a vaccine for it.

Look, Ted, if you want to get
involved in this, that's your business.

But don't you get the station
mixed up in it, understand?

Right, Lou. Me in,
station out. Check.

Ted, this kind of thing takes a long
time to set up and a lot of money too.

- If it doesn't work out,
you could lose your shirt.
- That's the beauty of it, Mar.

This guy Marsh has all the
experience and the money.

All he wants from
me is my reputation.

In that case, you
got nothing to lose.

There he is!

Alan Marsh! [Giggling]

How you doing, partner?
Great! [Continues Giggling]

Hey, everybody. I want
you to meet Alan Marsh.

Al, this is my entourage.

Wait a minute. Don't
tell me. Let me guess.

Lou Grant, Mary Richards
and Murray Slaughter, right?

You know, Ted's told me so much
about all you guys I feel like I know you,

what you were doing
when he discovered you,

how he found you,
cleaned you up.

- Gave you your first break...
- Oh, they don't want to hear all that, Al.

So, Marsh. Ted tells me that
you've had a lot of experience...

in setting up these schools.

- Tell me,
what do you get out of it?
- Pleasure.

You know what it feels like
to watch a kid off the street...

turn into a disc jockey?

You see, Lou, it's kind
of a mission with me.

I travel around.
I stop in the city.

I sort of plant the seed,
nurture it, watch it sprout.

Yeah. Sounds fine.
What do you need Ted for?


That Mr. Marsh
is such a nice man.

He says one day Ted's
name will be a household word,

like spatula.

[Knocking] Come in.

Hi, Mar. Hi, Ted.

- Hi, Georgette.
- How did your meeting go?

Marsh told me that Ted Baxter's
Famous Broadcasters' School...

will open next week!

Gives you goose
bumps, doesn't it, Mary?

No, Ted. I have a high
goose bump threshold.

I guess you wouldn't
know what it's like to...

claw your way up from
the gutter, would you, Mary?

Come on, Ted. You didn't
claw your way up from the gutter.

He clawed his way up
from the middle class.

Well, sometimes it's tougher to claw
your way up from the middle class...

than it is to claw your
way up from the gutter.

Isn't it wonderful, Mary?

Only in America could a man who
never graduated from school own one.

Isn't it wonderful?

Mary. Mary, look out there.

You know what that is out there?

- '54 Chevy?
- [Chuckles]

That's my town,
Mary. Minneapolis!


I love that toddlin' town. My
school's gonna be out there, Mary.

Out there for kids who
won't have to make...

the long, hard, grueling
trip to the top that I made.

Out there for kids who want to learn the
blood and guts of the broadcasting game.

Out there for any kid with
dreams and ambitions...

and 300 bucks.

I'm gonna be rich, Mary.

I'm gonna have all the things
that only money can buy...

Happiness, good
health, spiritual fulfillment.

Then... Then one day,

I'm gonna use my money to do
something good for my country.

I'm gonna make a
huge contribution...

to a presidential candidate...

and buy myself a
political appointment.

"Ted Baxter,

United States
Ambassador to Hawaii."

This is the night, guys!

The official opening of Ted Baxter's
Famous Broadcasters' School.


I guess you guys are
probably as excited as I am.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Just think.

Someday there may be branches...

of Ted Baxter's Famous Broadcasters'
School all over the country.

[Giggling] And this is the
night when it all started.

Now you know how
Colonel Sanders felt...

when he licked his first finger.

Oh, it's gonna
be a gala evening!

But you don't have to dress
formally unless you want to.

- You're gonna be there,
aren't you, Mar?
- Well, no, Ted, I'm not.

I have a date.

I promised Mrs. Morgenstern
I'd go out with this guy.

- He's only gonna be
in town tonight.
- Tonight.

Murray? Uh, no.

I can't either, Ted. I promised Marie
I'd take her and the kids to dinner.

We've had the reservation
for weeks. For weeks.


I won't be there either,
Ted. Aw, Lou. Why not?

Because the idea of going
makes me sick to my stomach.

Well, as long as you've
got a good excuse.

[Phone Rings]

Newsroom. Just a minute.

Uh, Ted, it's for you. It's the
manager of the Regency Hotel.

Oh. Thanks, Mar.

Hello. Ted Baxter here.

What? Oh, well, uh,
Mr. Marsh'll take care of that.

Why don't you contact him?
He's right there at the hotel.

He did?

Oh. Well, I'll get back
to you. Thanks a lot.

- What was that about, Ted?
- Seems Marsh didn't pay for
the banquet room at the hotel.

And he left late last
night without paying

his room bill. What do
you think that means?

I think it means that
Marsh is a con man...

who's taken a powder
with the school's money...

and left you as the fall
guy for the whole scheme!

What do you think
it means, Murr?

I think Lou's right.

Mary? I think Murray's right.

Lou? Ted!

Well, I just don't think
he'd take off like that.

I've got faith in him. How can you
have faith in a guy who skipped town?

I've got to. I
loaned him my car.

Well, I guess I really made a fool of
myself, taken in by a cheap con artist.

Ted, you should have known
better than to trust a man...

whose business
card lists aliases.

Well, my mother was right.

When I was just a kid
just starting out in school,

she took me on her knee and she said
to me, "Ted, you're gonna be a failure."

Oh, Murray, Mary.
What am I gonna do?

You gotta help me. Hundreds of people
are gonna be demanding their money back.

I could get arrested.
I could go to jail!

And it's not even a big enough
crime to write a book about.

Don't worry, Ted. They're
not gonna put you in jail...

for something silly like
conspiracy to commit... fraud.

Murray, I think you and
I better talk to Mr. Grant.

Come in.

Mr. Grant, Ted
really needs help.

I've known that for 10 years.

Come on, Lou. A thing like
this could cause big trouble.

I told Ted when he started up this whole
business that he was strictly on his own.

[Mary] But he's not on his own.

Mr. Grant, we are all involved.

Suppose tomorrow's
headlines were to read,

"WJM anchorman jailed
in broadcast swindle."

What would your
feelings be then?


Maybe you're right, Mary.


Yeah, Lou?

How much will that hall
for tonight cost? $200.

Pay it. Then you go there and
tell those students what happened.

I don't have $200. You haven't
managed to save $200 on your salary?

Oh, you mean in the bank.

Ted, refund everyone's money.

What... What if a hundred
people signed up, Lou?

At $300 apiece,
that's... 300... [Muttering]

That's $30!


[Gasps] $30,000, Lou!

It's either that, or come
up with a school, Ted.

You know something?
I bet we could.

We could? We could what? Anything,
as long as it doesn't cost $30,000!

Come up with a school...
you, Mr. Grant, Murray, me.

And if we all pitched in, I
bet we could put on a show.

Mary could make the costumes.
Murray could write the script.

And I'll ask my father to let
us build a stage in the barn!

All right, Mr. Grant!

- We can't run a school!
- Maybe for only one night.

We could look like a faculty.

If it works, Ted would
get an extra week

before his next class
to get somebody else...

to take over. I don't know.

Oh, I could get
someone in a week, Lou.

Please. Please! Mmm. Mmm.

What time does
this class start? 8:30.

- We could put something
together by then.
- Yeah, Lou.

[Quietly] Lou, please.

Lou, please.

Okay. [Sighing Chuckle]

Thanks, guys.

Thanks, Lou. I can't tell
you how grateful I am.

And if ever there's anything I can
do for you, all you have to do is ask.

Get out of my office.

You got it, Lou.

Now we're even.

Aw, come on. We've
been at this for an hour.

How difficult can it be to come
up with an orientation lecture?

Where are we so far?

"Welcome, students."

Mary, we don't have much more
time to come up with something.

I think we're looking too hard.

I think it's right
here in front of us.

We're all in broadcasting, right?
And the class is about broadcasting.

So all we have to do is tell the
class how we do what we do.

That's terrific.

Murray, of course.
You'll tell about writing.

Mr. Grant can talk about what
he does... budgets, scheduling.

- I don't want to talk
about budgets.
- Well, that's what you do.

I know, but it's boring. I don't
want to talk about budgets.

- [Doorbell Buzzes]
- Yeah?

I'm... I'm looking
for a Mary Richards.

My date. I forgot!


It's so nice to meet
you. Nice to meet you.

Uh, come in, won't you, please?

- This, uh, is Lou Grant.
- [Tony] Lou.

And Murray Slaughter. Murray.

This is Tony... Kramer.


Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

These are for
you. Oh, thank you.

Tony, I really have to
apologize about tonight.

Since I talked to you on the
phone, something has come up,

and I'm gonna be busy
for the next couple of hours.

Oh, well. So, uh...

That's all right. Uh, I've
really got nothing else to do.

I don't know anyone else in
town, so if you don't mind...

I could just wait around, and we
could go out to dinner afterwards.

Well, uh, sure.
If you don't mind.

Great. Do you like French food?

I don't know why
I brought it up.

I don't know how to talk about what I
do. I don't know what I do. I just do it.

I like French food myself.

That and Chinese
are my favorites.

Budgets. Who wants to hear
about budgets? I hate budgets, Mary.

Hi, guys.

Ted! Where have you been? We're
supposed to be there in 15 minutes.

Xeroxing. Ted finished
the school song.

He wanted to run off enough so
everyone could have their own copy.

Thought we'd open the class with it,
give an up-tempo feel to the proceedings.

Okay. Listen, everybody.

[Tapping Foot]

♪ We have no gym
and we have no pool ♪

♪ But we have heart at Ted Baxter's
Famous Broadcasters' School ♪♪

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm
not going through with this.

- No way.
- Why, Lou?

Because the whole idea is
dumb and stupid and ridiculous,

and I don't want
anything to do with it.

Boy. It's times like this when you
find out who your real friends are.

We don't need you.
We'll do it without you.

That's fine with me!

Of course, if you
like good wine,

there's no sense going
to a Chinese restaurant.

Right. Well, listen. If we're
gonna be there on time, everyone,

we'd better leave. Right, Mar.

Lou, you sure you don't
want to come with us?

No. I feel stupid trying to teach
broadcasting to a lotta green kids.

Oh, come on, Mr. Grant.

There must have
been a time in your life...

when you were young
and inexperienced. Yeah.

And someone older and
more experienced helped you?


Showed you what to do and how
to get started when you needed it?

Yeah. Yeah. Well,

think of this as a way
of paying back that.

All right. I'll do
it for Shirley.

Do you like French movies?

Uh, yes, I do. Ver-Very much.

Excuse me. Is this the room...

where the Ted Baxter Famous
Broadcasters' School is supposed to meet?

To the best of my
knowledge, yes.

Where are the other students?

- Are you the teachers?
- Yes. Yes.

We are the, uh, faculty.

You're late.

Class was supposed
to start at 8:30. It's 8:40.

You mean that everybody left
because we're 10 minutes late?

Nobody left.

Nobody was here to leave.

- Come here.
- What's up, Lou?

Ted, there's only one
guy in your school.

You think the rest
of 'em are out sick?

We can't teach a
course to just one person.

I'll handle it.

Look, kid, there's not
gonna be any school.

As you can see,

the turnout tonight is
less than we expected.

Now, Mr. Baxter here will refund
all the money that you paid in full.

- Ted, write the man
out a check.
- I don't want my money back.

I paid for 10 weeks of school,
and I want 10 weeks of school.

I changed around a
lot of plans to be here.

When I leave here, I want to
leave as a sports announcer.

[Laughs] Listen,

let... let's be
reasonable about this.

You... You wouldn't
want to be...

the only student
in the whole school.

Who would you study with?

Who would you take
to school dances?

- You could understand how that
wouldn't work, couldn't you?
- No.

All my life, I've been the
understanding nice guy.

People push me
around, I understand.

When my parents gave my
brother Richard piano lessons,

my father took me aside and said, "We could
only afford piano lessons for one of you,

so we're going to give them
to Richard, understand?"

And I said, "Sure,
Pa. I understand."

And then when it
came time for college,

my father said, "We can
only afford to send one of you,

so we're going to send
Richard, understand?"

And I said, "Sure,
Pa. I understand."

And now you want me to take my
money back and say I understand.

Well, no deal. I
don't understand.

So start the class.

Or you can all
talk to my lawyer...


Testing, one, two,
three. Can you hear me?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd
like to take this opportunity...

to welcome you all
to the first semester...

of the Ted Baxter Famous
Broadcasters' School.

I want now, if I may, to introduce
the members of the TBFBS faculty.

On my far right is Lou Grant,

the executive producer of
the WJM Six O'Clock News.

Please hold your applause
till everyone's been introduced.

Next to him is Mary Richards,

producer of the WJM
Six O'Clock News.

And next to her is Murray Slaughter,
head writer for that same news show.

And, uh, of course,
that's Georgette.

She's my chick, so I
like to have her around.

And last but not least...

Well, yes, as a matter
of fact, he is least.

What's your name again, fella?

Tony Kramer from New York.

He's Mary's date
for the evening.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, this will be an
ambitious program...

of intensified study...

in the many and varied
aspects of broadcasting.

I think I see a hand out there.

The gentleman in the plaid
jacket, would you please stand up?

What's the passing
grade for this course?

Passing grade?

Lou, you wanna field that one?

We'll probably go
by a class average.

Is that plotted on a
normal bell curve?

Plot it on anything you like.

Thank you. [Ted] All right.

Now, as I was saying,

each of you will have the
opportunity to find his or her niche...

in this glamorous field.

Uh, yes.

What about Christmas?


What about Christmas?

Do we get off, and for how long?

Well, Christmas is
not for, uh, six months.

The course will be over by then.

Okay. I just wanna
check these things out.

You'll all have the chance to see and hear
and experience communication firsthand.


Is this the entire faculty?


Uh, no. We are just
the department heads.

Who is this person?
What are we doing here?

Yes, during the next 10
weeks, you'll work long and hard.

As you all know, you're ready to enter
the wonderful world of broadcasting...

when you finish.

At the end,

there will be a
graduation ceremony.

And I have high hopes...

of, uh, getting Eric Sevareid...

to be here personally
to congratulate you.

Now before we continue,
let me just mention...

that immediately following
this orientation class...

coffee and cake will be served,

and we can break up
into smaller groups...

so we get to know
each other better.

And so, in the weeks ahead, we'll discuss,
uh, such topics as on-the-spot reporting,

libel laws in broadcasting,

program logs and the anchorman
in these changing times.

Thank you.

No, uh, don't.

That was Mary Richards,
our dean of women.

So in conclusion,
let me just say this.

Tonight you have
taken the first step...

on that long but exciting
journey to being a broadcaster.

Work hard. Study hard.

And remember,

you are the Ted
Baxters of tomorrow.

Ah. One final question.

Can I still get my $300 back?