Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 16 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

It's been over a week since Lou appointed Mary producer of the six o'clock news, but she hasn't been feeling very producer-like since Lou still seems to be running the show and everyone still looks to him for the answers. After Mary and Lou discuss the issue, Lou does allow Mary to handle the following day's show all on her own. She admits she is nervous but excited. As the day comes, will old habits of those around her be hard to break? Regardless, Mary decides to make some changes, which causes a bit of a ruckus, including with Lou, who decides to take a total hands off approach by leaving the station for the day. He feels that Mary may run into some problems from his vantage point. But after all is said and done, Mary feels like she did a great job, but still needs the validation from her executive producer. Meanwhile, Ted has a new vocabulary book. He wants to try and work in some newly learned words into his day to day discussions as well as on the newscast.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

I have a provocative question.

Why is the producer of
the Six O'Clock News...

watching the writer of the Six O'Clock
News write the Six O'Clock News?

Because, Mr. Grant, since you
made me a producer over a week ago,

I just feel I should be
doing something more.

I'm just supervising somebody.

Can't you give me
some... Something to do?

I don't care... anything...
How small or insignificant...

Hi, guys.

Okay. From now on,
you can supervise Ted.

Welcome to your first
command, General Custer.

Say, the newsroom is certainly
redolent of coffee this morning.

It's what?

And you call yourself a writer?

Redolent. Redolent of coffee.

It means it smells.

Ted, what's the book?
You And Your Vocabulary.

I'm planning to work in a few words
to every newscast. Give it a little class.

- What do you think
of the idea, Murr?
- I think it's redolent, Ted.

Well, Mary,

we certainly didn't wait long to
get ourselves a press agent, did we?

- What are you talking about?
- This piece of puffery
in the TV section.

"News Show Appoints
Woman Producer."

I didn't see that.
[Chuckles] I'll bet.

"With this promotion,
Mary Richards becomes...

the most important
woman at station WJM."

Someone around here
certainly wasn't very reticent.

Now what's that
supposed to mean?

Reticent: Inclined
to be silent...

Ted, come on. I know
what the word means.

Sue Ann, I didn't
give them this story.

Although, I must say, it
certainly is... [Chuckles] accurate.

Oh, Mary, you sweet, innocent,

naive, albeit ruthless child.

Mary, here's tonight's rundown.
I put everything the way I want it.

Bring me Murray's
copy so I can approve it.

Then see if you can get somebody
up here to fix that squeak in my chair!


Mary, I know how busy a
producer is, so here's a little tip.

A dab of Mazola oil on Lou's
swivel, and he'll be sitting pretty.

Well, I'm off. This afternoon I'm
doing my annual salute to fruit.

I have to go plump my prunes.

Here's one for you, Murray.
What's "superfluous"?


Come in.

Mr. Grant, you... Did you get
something for the squeak in my chair?

No, I didn't, Mr. Grant.
I'm not a chair-squeak fixer.

- You got Murray's copy?
- No.

I thought I would read
Murray's copy. I'm the producer.

Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly why
I made you my producer, Mary...

To relieve me of
that kind of chore.

That's exactly what I
wanna talk to you about.

I've gotta tell you. You've
been doing a terrific job.

Well, thank you,
Mr. Grant, but I...

I'm not much on compliments,

but this whole past week,
you've been just great.

I mean it. Well, thank you
very much, Mr. Grant, but I...

You don't know what it means to
have someone you can lean on,

to step into a job like this, to
take the worries off your shoulders.

I'm one lucky guy.

Well, that's really very
nice of you to say, Mr. Grant.

You know what the big
difference has been, Mary?

Since you've been
in charge here,

nobody's come through my door to
complain or to argue about anything.

Wow! Has that been great!

Well, sure, yes, I can see
where that would be a relief.

So I just wanna say
to you, Mary Richards,

thanks for doing
the job so well.

You're welcome. And
thank you, Mr. Grant.

What just happened
here? I sandbagged you.

You came in here to gripe about something.
I took the wind out of your sails.

That's why I'm the
executive producer.

And, Mr. Grant,
I'm the producer.

I know I am, because I see my
name on the credits of the show,

but that's the only
way anyone could tell!

Okay. Okay, okay.

I'll get you a sign
for your desk.

[Chair Squeaking]

Mr. Grant, I don't
want a sign for my desk.

I just want a chance to
produce the Six O'Clock News,

just to see if I can do it!

All right, you got it. Tomorrow
you do the whole show yourself.

Mr. Grant, thank you. I-I just can't
tell you how much I appreciate this.

Mr. Grant, I don't want
you to worry about a thing.

I am gonna rise to the occasion.

I'm gonna make you so proud
of me, I'm gonna... [Squeaking]

get you some Mazola
oil for your chair.

[Man On TV] Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is Edward Daniels
for the Nine O'Clock News.

David Baker, head of the United Nations
emergency fund... [Doorbell Buzzes]

said today he has received a $1 billion
commitment from the United States.

Hi, Mary. I hope we're
not disturbing you.

No, not at all. Come
on in. Thank you.

We got through
dinner early tonight.

They emphasize service at that
restaurant. That's why I take her there.

Even special orders. The girl
just sings in the microphone...

♪ Hold the pickle
Hold the lettuce ♪

And they hold it.

[Clears Throat] Oh, I see
you're watching Channel 3.

Oh, yeah. They
have a 9:00 newscast.

It's always helpful to check
the competition, Mar. Hmm.

- Poor blazer, average voice,
weak vocabulary.
- [Clicks Off]

I was just checking to see if there were
any new stories since the 8:00 broadcast.

Are you nervous
about tomorrow, Mary?

Come on, Georgette. I've been an
associate producer for five years now.

A producer for over a week.

And so, I'm... nervous.
[Ted Chuckles]

I want you to know, Mar, that I am
one guy you can count on tomorrow.

After you have that first
show under your belt,

there are a few improvements
I'd like to discuss with you.

But in the meantime, we stopped by to
wish you good luck and bring you flowers.

Oh, well, thank you.

Unfortunately, the florists
are all closed this time of night.

Uh, why don't you buy
yourself some tomorrow.

- Go on. You can keep the change.
- No, thank you, Ted.

What, uh, kind of improvements?

Oh, just a lot of stuff to make
you look good as a producer.

Uh-huh. For example,
the title of the show.

The title of the
Six O'Clock News?

Let's face it, Mar. People
tune in to watch yours truly.

That's what it's all about.

The title of the show
should be The Baxter Report.

No, Ted.

Ted, Mary can't go making a
whole lot of changes right away.

All right, all right, Mary. How
'bout this? A new opening.

An aerial shot of my car pulling up. I
step out of the car and race up the stairs.

A grim look of urgency on my
face and I race down the hall.

You should think of those
things before you leave the house.

Ted, we are leaving the
opening exactly the way it's been.

All right, all right,
Mary. Have it your way.

I tried to help you, but you're too
lazy to think big. Come on, Georgette.

No, Ted. Mary needs moral
support, and I'm staying for a while.

I'll pick you up in about an hour.
Mary, let me tell you something.

You know what
you are? Lascivious.

"Lascivious"? Why would
Ted call me "lascivious"?

Correction. That's "lethargic." It's
on the same page as "lascivious."

Would you like some
coffee? Yes, thanks.

Mary, don't worry about
tomorrow. You're gonna do fine.

Oh, thanks, Georgette.
Listen, you were sweet to stay.

Boy, I tell you, it's times
like these I really miss Rhoda.

I'll bet you do.

What would Rhoda
say if she were here?

I don't know that it's anything that
she'd say. She'd just listen, I guess.

I'll listen. Pretend I'm Rhoda.

Go ahead. Well, okay.

I'm nervous.

Really nervous.

You know, about tomorrow.

Worried... that
something could go wrong.

This isn't going
very well, is it?

Are you sure all Rhoda
would do was just listen?

Well, I guess about here is where
Rhoda would have made a joke,

you know, to sort
of relieve the tension.

I'm sorry. I'm not
very good at jokes.

That's okay. I guess I'm just
really tense about tomorrow.

This priest is playing
golf with this rabbi...


You don't have to do this.

I know another one
about a fat lady and a duck.

No, Georgette.

Murray, who handles
the clocks? Why?

Tokyo is five minutes
slow. Oh, yeah.

It's little things like that
that cost them the war.

What's the matter, Mar? I don't
know. I can't stay seated today.

Somehow I just don't feel
a producer should be sitting.

Mary, if God didn't
intend for producers to sit,

he wouldn't have given
them such big... chairs.

I just feel I should be on
my feet in case I have to...

deal with anything in a hurry.

At 1:00 in the afternoon?
Come on, Mary. Relax.

Lou is right in there. If any
problem comes up, all you do...

No, Murray. If any problem
comes up, I'll handle it. That's all.

Hi, guys. Ted, you're late.

[Chuckles] I knew
you wouldn't care, Mar.

What the heck. We don't
punch a time clock around here.

The point is, if you get here on time for
Mr. Grant, you can get here on time for me.

To do what?

Whatever it is that you do...

when you get here
on time for Mr. Grant.

[Chuckles] Well,
all right, Mary.

But I think you're
being a little punctilious.

All right, Ted, that's it. You
gonna give me that book,

or do I have to take
it away from you?

Is Lou in, Mary? Yes, he is.

Oh. Mel, what did you
want to see him about?

I got this note that the producer
wants some changes in the set.

Oh, yes. Well, I'm
the producer now.

Oh, yeah? Congratulations. Yeah.

Thank you. Mel? I just
wanna see what Lou wants.

But, see, I'm the one who
wanted the sketches. You are?

Yes. Yes. Uh... Uh...

Did you know, Mel, that we haven't
changed the basic set in five years?

Oh. And also, I wanted to
talk to you about wardrobe.

Ted's blazer... I
wanna get rid of it. Oh.

Preferably before he
has time to take it off.

Hey, Lou, you wanna
check the copy? Yeah.

Murray! Give it to me.

Sorry, Mar. I just
saw Lou here...

Lou, do you wanna look at these?
Mary thinks the set should be changed.

What for? The set's
fine. Leave it alone.

Mr. Grant, I thought I was
the producer. That's right, Mary.

Well, then why don't
you let me do my job?

Mary, the first thing you
have to learn as a producer...

is not to have this
sort of discussion...

with your executive producer
in front of other people.


- I'm sure nobody heard.
- Well, I certainly didn't.

I'm really sorry, but you
are not letting me do my job.

All right. Go ahead.

Do your job. You don't
need any help? Fine.

Well, no, wait. I never
said that I didn't need help.

Yes, you did, Mary, and
everybody heard you.

Well, I certainly did.

You can do everything, Mary. Good
for you. Lots of luck. You'll need it.

Well, Mary, I guess that'll
teach you to be bellicose.

So, Murr, we'll open
with the senate hearings...

and we'll follow
with the narcotics

crackdown and then the
governor's conference.

- Sounds like a good lineup.
- I got one problem. We have
30 seconds at the end.

Now, which do you
think is more important...

Birth of the baby rhinoceros at the zoo
or the California grape pickers' strike?

It depends on whether
you're a rhino or a wino.

Well, so the inmates really
are in charge of the asylum.

[Sighs] Sue Ann, I had
nothing to do with that article.

Mary, believe me,
I'm proud of the way...

you haven't been disheartened
by those who murmur...

that you've sacrificed your
femininity to your ambition.

Actually, Sue Ann, I haven't
heard anyone murmur that.

Then I'm the first.

Of course, meanwhile,
the man you supplanted...

is sitting alone in the bar downstairs
destroying himself with cheap booze.

- How do you know that?
- I just bought him a drink.


Well, carry on,
Mary. I'll just watch.

It should be fascinating
to observe how...

the most important woman at station
WJM puts together a news show.

All right, you wanna
watch? Go ahead, watch.

Okay, Murray, I've decided
we'll close with the baby wino.

I mean, the baby rhino.

Hey, Mary, you didn't authorize
any wardrobe changes, did you?

No, Gus, I didn't. That is, Mel
talked to me about them and I said...

Without consulting me? Holy cow, Mary! Your
director has to know about these things.

There is nothing to know about yet,
Gus. Nothing definite has been decided.

Oh, yes, it has. He's got Ted wearing
a black-and-white striped jacket,

and he's putting checkered
pants on a weatherman.

[Mary] I never authorized that.

Holy Toledo! You can't use
stripes. They strobe on you.

And checks bleed. All I said
was I wanted a different look.

Well, you got it. Holy
Moses. Checks and stripes.

Bleeding and strobing.

All right, Mary, I'm
putting my foot down.

Do you all hear me?
I'm putting my foot down.

Suit yourself, Ted.
It's your mouth.


I'm not plugging any of these
radical women's lib groups.

Ted, there's nothing radical about the
Daughters of the American Revolution.

I love watching you
do the news, Mary.

Okay, this is it!

His creepy camera pushes have
mucked up my designs once too often.

Mel, what seems
to be the problem?

Mary, will you tell this fascist he
can't tear down a new piece of set...

just because he doesn't like it.

And will you tell this half-wit
you can't use a mirror on the set!

Is that so? Is that so?

I saw a Fred Astaire picture last
night and it was nothing but mirrors.

Mirrors as far as
the eye could see.

I think I saw that picture.

Isn't that the one where
he danced? [Gus] Holy...

This is a live TV show. A
mirror would reflect the camera!

I adore watching you
do the news, Mary.

Cool it. That's right.
All of you, just cool it.

This is neither the time
nor the place to discuss this.

Now, for today, everything's
gonna stay the way it is.

Tomorrow morning, we'll have a
production meeting here at 11:00.

You bring the
designs and sketches,

which I will discuss
with you, okay?

Okay? Okay.

And if you wanna come and watch,
you come and watch. Any questions?

That's not the way Lou
would have handled it.

Mary, Ted wants you to handle it
the way Lou would have handled it.

Ted, how'd you like me
to punch your face out?

And I'm telling you, the greatest
college football team of all time...

was Army, 1944.

Nebraska, 1972.

How can you say that, fella? Army
had the greatest backfield that ever was.

Nebraska, 1972.

Hi. Hello.

Blanchard, Davis, Tucker, eh?

Nebraska, 1972.

For you, miss?
Nothing. Thank you.

I just thought I'd come by and tell you
that everything is okay in the newsroom.

Oh, good. Look at the record.

Unbeaten, untied,

beat Notre Dame
59-0, six all-Americans.

I mean, I knew you'd
be anxious to know that.

Yeah, yeah. Glenn Davis set a
touchdown record that still stands.

And that's while he was
datin' Elizabeth Taylor.

I knew you wanted
to know, 'cause it is the

first time I ever ran
the whole show myself.

Yeah. Nebraska, 1972.

Army, 1944.

So, I'm really glad that I was
able to set your mind at ease.

Yeah, yeah, thanks.
That's... That's nice.

So everything's all right, huh?

Yeah, if I do say so myself.

Everything is...
all right. [Chuckles]

You're not, uh, for example,
having trouble with Rollins?

No! No.

Who's Rollins?
Your sound engineer.

Ah. I thought you might
be having some problems.

No, no, everything's
fine. Just fine.

Good. Glad to hear
that, Mary. Yeah?

I am managing to get the
news on without a hitch.

Good for you, Mary. Thanks.

Mr. Grant, why did you think I
might be having trouble with Rollins?

Oh, just a hunch.


Mary. Yeah?

That's Rollins.

[Ted On TV] The clean-air committee
praised Twin Cities' residents...

for leaving private
cars at home...

and making the Quick Transit
Bus program a big success.

[Bus Engine Starting] Why
does Ted keep frowning?

He's mad at me because I wouldn't work
any of his vocabulary words into the copy.

- Oh.
- It's wonderful, Mary.

- It's the best newscast
I ever saw.
- Thanks, Georgette.

I hope they rerun it.

And now, a sad item.

Monsignor Walter
O'Rourke is dead at 87.

Until his retirement in
1958, Monsignor O'Rourke...

served the Twin
Cities diocese...

where he was much beloved.

Let me just say this.

I didn't know the
monsignor personally,

but I'll bet you he was never lethargic,
redolent, bellicose or lascivious.

This is Ted Baxter saying
good night and good news.

♪♪ [Theme]

At least he
pronounced them right.

Never mind, never mind.
Here comes the good part.

"Produced by Mary Richards." Is
that the first time you've seen that?

No, but it's the first
time I believed it.

Mar. Ah, thanks, Murr.

Maybe I should have shaken
your hand. I hardly ever hug Lou.

No, I like the hugging.
I'm very impressed.

It was a great show. A perfect
show, except for that one moment...

when Ted was reading the
basketball scores... Yeah.

And a voice from the sound
booth yelled, "Nebraska, 1972."

Well, Mar, what did you
think of my performance?

Ted, Mary produced tonight's
show, and she would like your opinion.

Fair enough. Mary, I
thought I was great.

Thank you, Ted.

I wonder what Mr. Grant
thought, if he watched the show.

Oh, Murr, I hoped
he watched the show.

Well, you know, Lou. If he
liked it, he won't say a word.

That's his highest
praise. Nonsense, Murr.

When I come off a
newscast, he talks my ear off.

[Door Closes]
Congratulations, Mary.

Come in.

Um, Mr. Grant, maybe
I'm pressing my luck,

but, uh, what'd you think?

About the show? Yeah.

What do you want me to
say, that it was great? Sure.



you wanna know
about a great newscast?

In 1966, I was working at
a radio station in Chicago...

where there was this real
smart-aleck broadcaster.

On election night, the
other guys decided to fix him.

As he started to
read the returns,

two of the guys took off his
pants and set fire to them.

And, Mary, I watched...

while that man broadcast
those returns perfectly.

Now, that's a great newscast.

And you just let that
happen? You didn't help him?

Sure, I helped him
blow out his pants.

Mary, what I'm saying is, don't
expect superlatives from me.

Anyway, Producer, what
do you care what I think?

Your opinion is the only one
that should be important to you.

You're right. You
are absolutely right.

Yeah. And you wanna
know what I think?

Hmm? I think I did a great job!

I think I did a terrific job!

And that's all that matters,
isn't it? Right you are.

[Chuckles] Mr. Grant,
what'd you think of the show?

It didn't stink.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Grant!

Oh, come on. Not... Yeah,
all right. Oh, thank you!

It didn't stink! Oh, thanks. No.

Okay, okay, okay.
How 'bout this?

We open on military
scenes... Tanks, guns, planes.

And cut to me in
a khaki flak jacket.

Ted, we are not going to
change the opening of the show.

And that's it. I bet Ted can't say
"khaki flak jacket" three times fast.

I don't know why I waste
my time on childish people.

Khaki flak jacket. Khaki
flak jacket. Khaki flak jacket.

Good night, Mar. Good night.

Hey, Mary. Well,
this is a big night...

The first time you produced
a show all by yourself.

- Right.
- Yeah. That's a cause
for celebration.

Hey, it is. Yeah.

I think I'll go have a drink.