Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 5, Episode 14 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

To add a different look to what he believes are their stagnant newscasts, Lou wants to hire a woman to do some on-air editorials and human interest stories. Lou's description of the appropriate person is someone just like Mary... but not Mary. Ted is against the idea if only because he feels that that person will not only be taking away his air time, but also his money. So if he can't do it, Ted wants Georgette to do it. Georgette doesn't really want to do it, but suggests to Mary what Mary is already thinking: that Mary is more like "just like Mary" than anyone else. In other words, Mary wants the job. Lou allows Mary to audition for the job but is afraid that he will hurt her feelings if she doesn't end up getting the job, which he doesn't think she will. Mary has some other in-station competition, namely Sue Ann. After the auditions, the process of telling Mary the outcome doesn't go quite the way that Lou was expecting or hoping.

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♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

I'm sorry I'm late, Lou, but you
know how fans can hold you up.

Yeah. It took Ted
hours to find one.

Okay, we should have
had this meeting long ago.

Our newscasts have
gotten pretty static.

I wanna do something new,

something different,

something that's
never been done before.

So I have decided
to hire a lady...

to do a short editorial segment
on the show every evening.

You mean like Cathy
Daniels at WKGW?

Yeah, something like that. Uh,
she'll do special-interest items...

And Sylvia McMahon over at
Channel 6. She's another one.

Uh, on that order, yeah. Yeah.

Uh, to broaden our appeal.

And what's that girl's
name at Channel 3 at 11:00?

Broaden our appeal. Broaden our
appeal and make our news more...


Why would we wanna make
our news more Christian, Ted?

- Martha Christian. She's the one that...
- That's the one.

All right, all right. So
it's been done before.

That doesn't make it a bad idea.

News from the
woman's point of view.

Well, Lou, why...
Why can't I do it?

Ted, what Mr. Grant means is that a
woman will provide additional insight...

without taking away
any of your own...

unique and invaluable qualities.

Do you have any particular
woman in mind, Lou?

No. We'll hold
auditions next week.

- Mary, put some ads in
the paper, that sort of thing.
- Any particular qualifications?

Well, she doesn't have to have
a lot of experience in television,

but, uh, she should be
attractive like you, Mary.

Uh, she should be
about Mary's age,

bright, well-dressed like Mary.

- Well, why not just ask Mary?
- Ah, she's wrong for it.

Okay, that about wraps up the
meeting. I'll get on this right away.

Yeah, I want to help Mary
screen the candidates.

Say, Lou...

Lou, how much
are you paying her?

Don't worry, Ted. It's gonna be less
than what you make. Around 15,000.

[Whistles] It's worth it to
give the show a new look.

Lou, I could give you that new
look and save you five big ones.

What are you talkin' about?
For $10,000 I'll grow a beard.

Get out of my office. How
about a mustache for five?

Ted! Come on, Lou. Give
me a break. Sideburns for two?

Ted, you just listened to me describe
the kind of woman we're looking for.

In that entire description, did
you hear anything about a beard,

a mustache, a sideburn?

Well, just trying to help, Lou.

Don't slam the door, Ted.

I'll pluck my eyebrows
for $100. [Indistinct]

[Knocking] Who is it?

Georgette. Come on in.

Hi, Mary. Hi.

I hope I'm not disturbing
you. Please tell me if I am.

- No, you're not disturbing me.
- I'm not sure you'd tell me
if I were.

Yeah, I would.

No. Because you'd think
you might embarrass me.

And rather than embarrass
me, you wouldn't say anything.

You're so nice and
patient and kind.

You wouldn't say
anything, would you?

Well, I don't know. Uh, maybe.

Thank you. But I don't
want to disturb you.


Come here. You're not
disturbing me. I'm all yours.

What can I do for you?

[Bell Dings] Oop! Sorry.
Three minutes are up.

Can I have three more?

No, Georgette, really,
I'm just washing stuff.

Just timing it.

I like the way you
stuffed your hat.

Thanks. What did you
wanna see me about?

I want to talk to you
about the lady newscaster.

Ted sent you, didn't he?

No, he brought me.

He's downstairs in the car,
but you're not supposed to know.

Okay, I don't. So don't ask,
"Why doesn't he come up?"


It's lucky you have
two chairs that far apart.


Anyway, about this
lady newscaster...

Please don't laugh,

but we want me to be her.

You want to
audition for the job?


Cross my heart. I swear.

- Really?
- No.

- I told Ted I'm not
a very good liar.
- Ted wants you to audition?

Yes. That just
doesn't sound like Ted.

- When he heard how much the salary was...
- [Laughing]

He sent me over
here to butter you up.

But don't think that that's why I said
I like the way you stuffed your hat.

I do. I like the way
you stuffed your hat.

Thank you. Georgette, I just can't believe
that you'd want to audition for that job.

But I don't. That's
what I told Ted.

I said, "Ted, I don't
want to audition."

And he said, "Why not?"

And I said, "That's
just not me."

And he said, "Then who is it?"

And I said, "Mary."

- Me? No.
- You'd be perfect, Mary.

You're just what
you're looking for.

No. Georgette, come on. I'm
a behind-the-scenes person.

Although I did do
that editorial once,

and I wasn't bad, was I?

Nah, I don't... You really
think I should try out for the job?

Yes, really. I said, "Ted,
I don't want to audition."

And he said, "Why not?"
And I said, "That's just not me."

And he said, "Then who is it?"

And I said, "Mary."

Fine, and be prepared with
one or two minutes of news copy.

Well, no, it doesn't matter.
Just anything that's comfortable.

All right, fine. We'll
see you then. Bye-bye.

- A lot of girls interested
in auditioning?
- Oh, dozens.

Hey, Murr. Hmm?

- You remember what you said
in the meeting yesterday?
- No.

Yeah, come on. Sure you do.

You said some silly thing
about hiring me for the job.

Oh, yeah. [Chuckling]

Hi, everybody except Mary.

Don't you wanna know
why I didn't say hello, Mary?

No, Ted. All right,
I'll tell you why.

The reason I didn't say
hello is I think it's pretty low...

when a person asks a
friend to go to another

friend to do the
first friend a favor,

and the second friend tears
the first friend's heart out.

Oh, Ted, Georgette
doesn't want the job.

She doesn't think
she has the talent.

Oh, that's ridiculous. How
much talent does it take?

Hey, wait a minute,
Ted. Wait a minute.

Uh, you don't think that job
requires a certain amount of, uh, skill?

No, I don't.

I mean, you feel that
any fool can do it?

That's right, just
about any fool.

Uh, let me get
this straight, Ted.

Now, uh, you are
saying that any half-wit...

Half-wit could just walk in
here and read the news?

- That's right,
just about any half-wit.
- [Chuckles]

But don't you bother to audition
for the job, Murray. Lou wants a girl.

[Laughing] I got you!

I got you, I got you! I did it!

I got him! I got
him! I finally did!

I just lost a duel of wits
to an unarmed opponent.

Oh, uh, Mr. Grant,
do you have a minute?

No. Oh, well, I'll just
take a moment then.

I don't have a moment, Mary.
All right, very quickly then.

- Mr. Grant, you remember that
on-the-air editorial I did?
- Yes.

- Well, I... I wasn't bad, was I?
- No, Mary, you weren't.

[Knocking] Come in.

Mr. Grant, you remember
yesterday you said...

you were looking for a girl like me
for the newscaster job? Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm a girl like me.

In fact, I'm probably the
girl most like me I know.

Mary, don't you think you were
the first one I thought of for the job?

Well, then why don't
you let me audition for it?

Well, because I'm afraid
I'd hurt you if you audition...

and I had to tell you I was
giving the job to someone else.

I just couldn't bear hurting
your feelings that much, Mary.

- Aw, Mr. Grant.
- And I really think
you'd stink.

Look, try to imagine that it was me
who was trying to be a newscaster...

and you had to tell me that...

No, that's a rotten
example. I'd be terrific.

Mr. Grant, it's not gonna break
my heart if I don't get the job.

And it certainly wouldn't be the
first disappointment I've had in life.

Yeah? Yeah, I've had
plenty of disappointments.

- Like what?
- Well...

Of course, things have
been pretty good lately.

All right. When I
was in high school,

I ran for the president
of my senior class. Mmm.

Boy, I painted posters,
um, I made speeches,

- I campaigned for months.
- Hmm. And you lost.

No, I won, but not by nearly
as much as I thought I would.

But I got over it eventually.

Excuse me. See, Mr. Grant,

all I'm asking for is the chance
to audition just like anybody else.

O-Okay, okay. You can
put your name on the list.

Oh, Mr. Grant, thank you.

- So, I was right.
- Hmm?

She did want
that job for herself.

I never would have believed she
would be so sly, so cunning, so ambitious.

Intriguing behind the backs
of her very best friends.

And all for an extra few
thousand dollars a year.

She's my kind of woman.

[Clears Throat]

Thank you, Mr. Baxter.

"Mr. Baxter."

Thank you, Ted.

Thanks, Ted.

Thank you, Ted. [Knocking]

Excuse me, Ted.

Who is it? [Sue Ann]
It's Sue Ann, dear.

Well, what a nice surprise.

- I happened to be
in the neighborhood.
- Doing what?

Coming to see you.

Oh, Mary, I love this apartment.

I love what you've done to it.

I haven't done anything to it.

I know. That took guts.

Mary, I would kill
for a cup of coffee.

That's why I'm
gonna offer you one.

Mary, I'll tell
you why I'm here.

I have decided to audition for that
"woman's point of view" spot on your show.

In fact, I've already prepared what I
think is a very solid piece of copy...

on the recent mud
slides in Alaska.

How do you take
it? Very seriously.

No, I meant the coffee. Oh.

Coffee experts agree,
a good cup of coffee...

should always be savored
just as it comes from the pot,

hot, rich and black.

I'll just have a little
cream and sugar.

Sue Ann, why do you want to be on
our show? You're the Happy Homemaker.

Yes, and the Happy
Homemaker is very unhappy.

About what?

I have done that
show every day...

since July, 1963.

Do you know what
that means, Mary?

It means I've been
smiling for 11 years.

I never thought of it that way.

I want a job where I
don't have to smile.

I don't like
smiling all the time.

It's against my nature.

Sue Ann, you're smiling.

I am?

Right now? Uh-huh.

I can't tell anymore.

I'm in a rut, Mary.
Everything I do is mechanical.

I... I just go
through the motions.

Aw, well, Sue Ann, come on. Everyone
feels that way about her job sometimes.

But I can't pretend anymore.

I... I've cooked it all.

I've eaten it all.

I've cleaned it, trimmed
it and stuffed it twice.

Well, gee, I can
sympathize, Sue Ann.

Monotony has turned me
into a bitter, spiteful person.

Oh, I know you haven't
noticed, but it has.


And I don't want to
be that way, Mary.

I want to be a nice person.

And with your help, I'm
going to be a nice person.

And changing
jobs is the first step.

Well, uh, Sue Ann, that puts me
in a sort of an awkward position.

See, 'cause I'm gonna
try out for the job too.

Well, now, I wonder how a nice
person would react to that news.

Well, I-I don't think...

A nice person wouldn't
point out the dubious ethics...

of an associate producer
auditioning for her own show.

A really nice person
wouldn't use phrases like...

"undue influence" or
"conflict of interest"...

or "two-bit,
double-crossing fink."

Aw, now just a minute, Sue Ann.

In the language of the
newsroom, that's an allegation.

I have no more influence over
the audition than anybody else.

Mary, dear, in the
language of the kitchen,

that's a crock.

And thus, the repercussions of
an upsurging inflationary spiral...

are as inevitable as
they are catastrophic.

You better believe it.

And, uh, very well
put, incidentally.

That was "A Woman's
Point of View."

Okay. Thank you.

Bring in the next girl.

It was just awful, wasn't it? I hated
myself. I mean, I was just awful.

No, you weren't. You
were fine. Thank you.

How was I, Lou?

Just awful.

Good morning, Lou. Oh,
good morning, Sue Ann.

Uh, Ted will brief you.

Sue Ann, park it over here.

That's the camera. When the red light
goes on, that means the camera is about...

Ted, I know what I'm doing.

Just cue me, and
then stick a sock in it.

Okay, everybody.

And... action.

And now with a new feature, news from "A
Woman's Point of View," Sue Ann Nivens.

Thank you very much, Ted.

And good evening.

Massive mud slides wreak havoc.

Late last evening, huge mud
slides in South Central Alaska...

buried the picturesque
little village of Nornsk,

long noted for its tapestries
and woolly artifacts.

Apple-cheeked housewives
bustling down the cobbled streets...

were swept away by
slithering mounds of mud.

Let's all hope that
survivors remembered...

that stubborn grime can be removed
with a blend of warm water and cornstarch.

Victims, plucked
gagging from the slime,

were treated at the
high school gym,

stunningly decorated
for that night's prom.

The theme of which
is "Fun on the Farm."

Volunteers, dressed
as cows and chickens,

circulated among the injured passing
out hand-embroidered tea towels.

Hot soup, always a nourishing
basic, was ladled from a tureen...

concealed inside a huge,
pink papier-mâché pig.

And now back to Ted.

Thank you. Enid
Berringer, the Twin Cities.

And that was "A
Woman's Point of View."

Thank you. Okay, everybody, let's
break for five minutes. Mary's next.


Mar. Uh, listen,
Ted, I-I can wait.

Why don't you let someone else
go first? You're the last one, Mar.

Oh, well, maybe someone
else would like to do it again.

Come on. Oh, why did
I get myself into this?

Mary, you're
nervous. Yeah, I am.

Listen, listen. You've got nothin'
to worry about if you trust me.

Okay? Because,
Mary, I'm on your side.

I want you to win.
Now, do you trust me?

No, of course not.
[Chuckles] Listen,

I know how to
please an audience.

When I read the news, that
camera is a person to me...

The most wonderful
person in the world.

I caress it with my eyes.

My mouth may be saying, "The cost of living
went up eight-tenths of one percent,"

but my eyes are
singing, "Be my love."

Okay, we're ready, Mary.

Quiet, everybody. Action.

Remember, just pretend
the camera's your lover.

Make love to it with
your eyes. [Clears Throat]

And now "A Woman's Point of View"
with Mary Richards. Tha-Thank you, Ted.

It's been 10 years since Congress
passed the 1964 Civil Rights Act.

[Whispering] Eyes. Eyes.

Love. Love. None of the five
agencies of the federal government...

has done anything to enforce it.

Mary. Mary, uh, whatever you got
in your eye, you wanna get it out?

[Coughs] Oh, hey, Lou, uh,

you gonna give Mary another try?

What for? She
wasn't good, Murray.

I wish she had been.
I wish she'd been

terrific, but she tried
twice, and she wasn't.

I know, but she was nervous.

Just don't know how I'm gonna break it
to her. You wouldn't like to, would you?

Sorry, Lou. I'm no good
at breaking bad news.

I still haven't told
Marie I'm going bald.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Grant?

Oh, yeah, Enid. Um,
welcome to the news team.

Welcome to the... Yeah.

Does that mean I
got the job? Mm-hmm.

Oh! Oh, thank you, Mr. Grant.

Uh, no, no. Look, uh, Enid...

Uh, Enid, one of the first things
you wanna learn about this job,

is no hugging. Oh.

We're not a hugging newsroom.
Some staffs hug. We don't.

Tell you what. You go
on down to Personnel,

tell 'em you're starting
Monday, and fill out all the forms.

Right away. Thank
you, Mr. Grant.

You'll like Personnel. They hug.

So, Mr. Grant, any
decision? Uh, not yet.

Uh-huh. Well, I
wasn't rushing you.

Just, you know, wondered if
there was any kind of decision.


Mary, I haven't, uh,

made the decision
yet because, uh,

you're gonna make it.

Your second take was very good.

Oh, Mr. Grant, thank you. I was
still a little nervous. Very good.

Oh. Yeah. But there's one
other tape I want you to look at.

It's between you and this girl.

Now, you watch, and you tell me.

[Ted On TV] ...Point of
View," Enid Berringer.

Thank you, Mr. Baxter. I would like
to give you the woman's point of view,

but I'm having a problem
trying to figure out

exactly what the
woman's point of view is.

I mean, do all
women think alike?

Do Bella Abzug and Connie Stevens
think of exactly the same thing...

when they get up in the morning?

Okay, maybe when they
first get up in the morning,

but after that,
I don't think so.

And I don't think girls are made
of sugar and spice anymore.

Those things cost
too much money.

But if WJM is interested
in hearing my point of view,

I would be very happy
to try and give it to them.

Thank you. Enid
Berringer, the Twin Cities.

All right.

Okay, Mary, there you go.

It's between you and Enid.

I'll go with whatever
you decide.

Now, who do you
think should get the job?

- Wow. Mr. Grant, that's a really
tough decision, isn't it?
- Yes.

But, I have to go with me.


Mary, Enid gave
a great audition.

Yes, she did, excellent... an excellent
audition. Maybe even better than mine.

But, uh, I mean, how many times
can she go out there and say that?

- Say what?
- That there's no such thing
as a woman's point of view.

I mean, that's a cute idea.
Really cute. Really cute.

But what's she gonna
do the next night?

Uh, well, the-the...

And besides that, Mr. Grant,
I've got the newsroom experience.

Oh, yeah. So you know
an audition isn't everything.

No. I mean, she was
good... really, really fine.

But I think, all the
factors considered,

uh, I've gotta go
with me. Mary, uh...

[Knocking] Come in.

- Oh, hi, Mary.
- Hi.

Mr. Grant, it's all set.

I went down to Personnel
and told them I start Monday.

And thank you again.
I won't let you down.

[Door Closes]

All right. All right. I lied.

I'm sorry.

I was tryin' to
spare your feelings.

Well, you don't have to
spare my feelings, Mr. Grant.

Okay. Okay.

Look, uh... Look, Mary.

Look. Now... Now, you look.

Uh, it wasn't between
the two of you.

Uh, y-you didn't finish second.

You finished fourth.


That's why I couldn't tell
you the truth right out. Fourth?

I didn't want to
hurt you. Fourth?


Oh, excuse me, Mary.
Gee, I was so excited,

- I forgot to ask what time
I come in Monday.
- Well, 10:00 will be fine.

Thanks. Oh, Enid, listen, um,

I'm really glad you got the job.

I thought you were just
terrific. Congratulations.

Thanks, Mary.

Mary, that's really
nice of you to say,

because I know you auditioned,
and I'm sure you must be disappointed.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I never
really expected to get the job at all.

No, I'm a behind-the-scenes
person. I really

just did it for the
fun of it, you know.

I really... [Sighs]

I didn't want the job.

Mary, you wanna go have a drink?

Yeah, I would like to. Okay.

Good night, Mar. Good night.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Baxter. Do you remember me?
- Sure, you're the black one.