Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 4, Episode 5 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

After Mary complains to Lou that she doesn't have enough responsibility to match her associate producer job title, Lou willingly gives Mary more responsibility. Her first two tasks are to hire a new sportscaster, and fire the existing sportscaster, a Lothario of a man named Ed Cavanaugh. Mary doesn't relish having to do the firing, even if Ed gives her good reason. And despite knowing little to nothing about sports, Mary places much effort into the hiring. Every male she knows wanting the job and pressure from Lou to hire his candidate of choice (although he states that she is free to do what she feels best) doesn't make her job any easier. Mary ends up hiring who she truly believes is the best applicant for the job, but after all is said and done, the end result isn't quite what she was hoping.

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

EVELYN, IT'S MARY.
LISTEN, EVELYN,

I WANNA ADD A FEW THINGS TO
THAT LIST OF SUPPLIES I GAVE YOU.



RUBBER BANDS, PENCILS AND
FIVE BOXES OF PAPER CLIPS.

OH, AND LISTEN, UM, YOU DON'T BY ANY
CHANCE HAVE TWEEZERS DOWN THERE, DO YOU?

NO, I DIDN'T THINK
SO. OKAY. BYE-BYE.

TWEEZERS? YEAH, I KNOW.

TED ASKED ME IF I COULD
GET HIM SOME TWEEZERS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHY?

SURE. I WENT DOWN TO HIS
DRESSING ROOM LAST NIGHT...

AND SAW HIM TRYING TO PICK THE NAME OF THE
RIP VAN WINKLE MOTEL OUT OF A BATH TOWEL.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
TWEEZERS, PAPER CLIPS.

THIS IS NOT WHY I BECAME AN
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER, YOU KNOW?

I'M GONNA TALK TO
MR. GRANT ABOUT IT.

[Lou] COME IN.

MR. GRANT, COULD I TALK
TO YOU FOR A MINUTE? SURE.

MR. GRANT, I HAVE BEEN WORKING
HERE FOR THREE YEARS NOW.



MARY, BEFORE YOU GO ON...

NO, MR. GRANT, I'M NOT HERE
TO ASK FOR ANOTHER RAISE.

OH. GO ON.

IT'S JUST THAT AFTER WORKING
HERE FOR THREE YEARS...

AND DOING EVERY
LITTLE PIDDLY JOB...

FROM ORDERING PAPER
CLIPS TO TWEEZERS,

I THINK I AM READY FOR A
LITTLE MORE RESPONSIBILITY.

SOMETHING CHALLENGING,
SOMETHING DIFFICULT. YOU DO, HUH?

YES, I DO. AND I THINK IF
YOU GIVE THAT FOR ME,

IT WOULD TAKE SOME OF THE
LOAD OFF YOUR SHOULDERS.

YOU'RE RIGHT, MARY.
YOU'VE EARNED IT.

MM-HMM. THANK YOU, MR. GRANT.

YOU KNOW, I WASN'T REALLY SURE I
COULD HANDLE THIS WHEN I CAME IN HERE.

I THINK IT WAS PROBABLY THE
TWEEZERS THAT FINALLY MADE UP MY MIND.

YOU KNOW, ANYWAY, I THINK
IT'S PROBABLY GOOD FOR ME,

YOU KNOW, TO STAND
UP FOR WHAT I BELIEVE IN.

- BUT YOU KNOW ME, CAUTIOUS MARY.
- YEAH.

ANYWAY, WHEN I CAME IN, I
WASN'T SURE HOW I'D REACT,

AND THEN A THOUGHT OCCURRED TO ME, "WELL,
YOU KNOW, MR. GRANT, HE'LL UNDERSTAND."

SO I SAID TO MYSELF...
MARY, YOU DID GOOD.

I DID? YEAH.

UH, THE ASKING FOR
RESPONSIBILITY PART... VERY GOOD.

VERY GOOD. BUT THIS PART...

THIS INSTANT REPLAY
PART... THIS PART STINKS.

WELL, I... I SUPPOSE YOU'LL WANT
A FEW DAYS TO THINK IT OVER.

NO, I'VE GOT SOME
RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

TWO THINGS, AS A
MATTER OF FACT. YOU DO?

MM-HMM. THAT'S GREAT. GREAT.

FIRST THING, I WANT YOU TO
HIRE A NEW SPORTSCASTER.

OH, MR. GRANT, THANK YOU.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. MM-HMM.

- BUT I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT ED IS LEAVING.
- NEITHER DOES HE.

THAT'S THE SECOND
THING YOU DO... FIRE ED.

[Mouths Words]

MR. GRANT, PLEASE, NO. I'VE
NEVER FIRED ANYBODY IN MY LIFE.

MARY... I HAD A CLEANING
LADY ONCE I COULDN'T FIRE,

SO I MOVED.

YES, AND WHEN YOU'RE AN
EXECUTIVE, YOU HANDLE...

THE BAD JOBS AS
WELL AS THE GOOD.

WHY ARE WE FIRING ED ANYWAY?

WELL, AT THE LAST COMPANY PARTY, ED
MADE A PASS AT THE STATION MANAGER'S WIFE.

OH, MR. GRANT, THAT
HAS TO HAPPEN A LOT.

YOU KNOW, COMPANY PARTIES.
SOMEBODY HAS ONE DRINK TOO MANY.

THIS WAS A COMPLETED PASS.

ED, I STILL DON'T FEEL RIGHT
ABOUT HAVING THIS LUNCH.

I MEAN, I REALLY JUST WANTED
TO HAVE A TALK WITH YOU.

KID, IT'S OKAY. I KNOW YOU WEREN'T
FISHING FOR A LUNCH INVITATION,

BUT WE BOTH HAD TO EAT
ANYWAY, DIDN'T WE, HUH?

YOU WANT A DRINK
FIRST, MR. CAVANAUGH?

UH, YEAH, THE USUAL.

I'LL HAVE A BLOODY MARY.

HERE.

[Chuckles]

WE USED TO DATE.
SHE'S A LITTLE JEALOUS.

SO, HERE WE ARE.

ED, THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME.

HEY. HEY, THIS KIND
OF THING NEVER IS.

I CAN DIG IT. YOU
KNOW, IT'S FUNNY,

ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT
YOU'D BEEN AVOIDING ME.

UM, SEE, ED, UM, I WANNA
EXPLAIN SOMETHING. MARY...

MARY, THERE ARE SOME THINGS
THAT DON'T NEED EXPLAINING.

UH, WELL, UH, THIS ONE DOES.

BABY, I SHOULD'VE REALIZED
WITH A GIRL LIKE YOU,

YOU CAN'T HIT A HOME RUN
FIRST TIME AT BAT, RIGHT?

ED, I... I THINK WE OUGHT TO,
UH, DISCUSS WHY I CALLED YOU.

DRINK UP, SWEETIE. AND
DON'T LEND HIM ANY MONEY.

HEY, HERE'S TO US.

THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

ED, YOU'RE MAKING THIS
SO DIFFICULT FOR ME.

NO, YOU JUST DRINK REGULAR,
LIKE OUR ARMS WEREN'T CROSSED.

NO, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. HEY. HEY.

BELIEVE ME, I UNDERSTAND.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET
ME TAKE IT FROM HERE ON IN?

ED, YOU'RE FIRED.

WHAT? YOU'RE FIRED.

YOU'RE PUTTING ME ON. NO.

I MEAN, Y-YOU CAN'T FIRE ME. OH?

NO, I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT
MY BOSS. LOU'S MY BOSS.

RIGHT. SO HOW CAN YOU FIRE ME?

HE TOLD ME I COULD.

WELL, THAT REALLY STEAMS ME.

YOU COME DOWN HERE AND YOU THROW
YOURSELF AT ME, AND THEN YOU FIRE ME?

LISTEN, I'LL TELL YOU. NO BROAD IS GONNA
FIRE ED CAVANAUGH. HOW ABOUT THAT?

WELL, ED, YOU'RE...
YOU'RE FIRED.

A BROAD JUST FIRED
YOU, AND SO YOU'RE FIRED.

UH, SO I'M REALLY FIRED?

YEAH, ED. I'M
SORRY. I... I TRULY AM.

ARE YOU REALLY? YES.

HOW SORRY?

NOT THAT SORRY.

LISTEN, MARY, DON'T YOU THINK YOU
SHOULD KNOW A LITTLE SOMETHING...

ABOUT SPORTS TO
HIRE A SPORTSCASTER?

I KNOW SPORTS. HEY,
WILL YOU WATCH IT?

OH, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

I KNOW WHO WON THE
WORLD SERIES IN 1942.

WHO? CARDS OVER THE
YANKS IN FIVE GAMES.

NO KIDDING. HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

IT WAS ON THE LATE SHOW
THE OTHER NIGHT. A WAR MOVIE.

YOU HAD TO KNOW THAT TO
GET BACK THROUGH THE LINES.

HEY, LISTEN, ANOTHER QUALIFICATION
YOU HAVE... YOU WERE A CHEERLEADER.

WELL, RHODA, I DON'T THINK MR. GRANT GAVE
ME THE JOB BECAUSE I WAS A CHEERLEADER.

MAR, WHAT WAS IT LIKE
BEING A CHEERLEADER?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
- NOW, TELL ME TRUTHFULLY.

WHEN THEY FORMED A HUMAN PYRAMID,
YOU WERE THE ONE ON THE TOP, RIGHT?

WELL, YEAH. BUT, YOU KNOW,
THE HEAD CHEERLEADER...

WAS ALWAYS THE ONE
THAT WAS ON THE TOP.

HEAD CHEERLEADER? MARY,
HEAD CH... YOU WERE THE CH...

YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT.
HEAD... THE HEAD ONE. RHODA...

YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T
THINK THAT... I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.

- MARY, TELL ME THE DUTIES
OF THE HEAD CHEERLEADER.
- I DO HAVE ALL THIS WORK TO DO.

NO, REALLY, TELL ME. DID EVERYBODY
KNOW YOU WERE THE HEAD CHEERLEADER?

DID YOU WEAR A SIGNIFICANT SWEATER?
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

NO, RHODA. I WORE THE SAME
SWEATER AS EVERYBODY ELSE.

IT'S JUST THAT THE HEAD
CHEERLEADER GOT TO...

- LOOK, RHODA,
I GOTTA GET THIS DONE.
- OH, MARY, PLEASE.

PLEASE, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I
KNOW WHO ACTUALLY LIVED MY FANTASY.

YOU GOTTA TELL ME. WHAT
DID THE HEAD CHEERLEADER DO?

WELL, AFTER EVERY TOUCHDOWN,

THE HEAD CHEERLEADER GOT TO
SHOOT OFF THIS LITTLE CANNON.

POOF! YEAH.

GEE, IN MY SCHOOL IN THE BRONX,
ANYBODY SHOT OFF A LITTLE CANNON,

EVERYBODY'D BE UP AGAINST
THE WALL WITH THEIR HANDS UP.

LISTEN, DO A CHEER FOR ME. NO.

PLEASE, MARY, DO ONE FOR
ME. COME ON. RHODA, NO.

I'LL LEAVE IF YOU DO. PLEASE, JUST
ONE. WITH JUST THE TWO OF US...

ALL RIGHT. THEN YOU'LL LEAVE
ME ALONE? YES, I PROMISE.

OKAY, LET'S SEE.

YO-YO, SKI DOTTEN WHATTEN.

YO-YO, SKI DOTTEN WHATTEN.

BEAT 'EM, BEAT 'EM, WHATTEN
DOTTEN. RAH, RAH, RAH, RAH, TEAM.

WOW. YOU DID THAT IN FRONT
OF CROWDS AT THE GAMES.

YEAH. RIGHT. WITH
GESTURES AND...

POM-POMS. HOW
HUMILIATING FOR YOU.

IT'S ALMOST TIME TO GO ON,
MURR. IS THE COPY READY?

OH, YEAH. HERE YOU GO, TED.

THE NEWS COPY AND
THE SPORTS COPY.

YOU KNOW, THIS SPORTS IMAGE IS
GONNA BE A GOOD THING FOR ME.

IT'LL WIDEN MY HORIZONS, MAKE
ME SORT OF A RENAISSANCE MAN.

THAT'S RIGHT. TED BAXTER...

ANCHORMAN, SPORTSCASTER,
CHEESE OF THE MONTH CLUB MEMBER.

TED, REMEMBER, THIS
IS JUST TEMPORARY.

IT'S ONLY UNTIL I HIRE A
REGULAR SPORTSCASTER.

I WOULDN'T BE TOO
SURE ABOUT THAT, MAR.

I THINK YOU'LL BE LIKING
WHAT YOU SEE TONIGHT.

IS THERE SOMETHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU TODAY?

YOU SEEM, UM,
TALLER. YOU THINK SO?

HE SAID COYLY, HIGH ATOP
HIS THREE-INCH WEDGIES.

THEY'RE NOT WEDGIES.
THEY'RE CONQUISTADOR BOOTS.

DO YOU LIKE 'EM,
MAR? OH, THEY'RE NICE.

[Chuckling] THANKS.

SAY, AREN'T YOUR HEELS A
LITTLE HIGHER THAN USUAL?

YEAH, MAR. YOU GOT A LOT OF
NERVE WEARING YOUR HIGH HEELS...

THE SAME DAY TED'S
WEARING HIS HIGH HEELS.

WELL, I THOUGHT IT WOULD
HELP THIS SPORTSCASTING THING...

IF I LOOKED A LITTLE
LANKIER. [Chuckling]

TED, YOU'RE REALLY TAKING THIS
SPORTSCASTING THING SERIOUSLY, AREN'T YOU?

OH, SURE. I THINK THE NORMAL
COMPARISONS WILL BE MADE.

- JIM McKAY, RED BARBER,
DIZZY DEAN.
- AND DAFFY DUCK.

TED, ARE YOU ALL
RIGHT? WHY, SURE, LOU.

THEN WHY ARE YOU WEAVING AROUND?

WHO'S WEAVING?

DIDN'T I USED TO
BE AS TALL AS YOU?

WELL, YOU GOT ME, LOU. I
NEVER NOTICE THOSE THINGS.

LOU, JUST SO YOU DON'T
THINK YOU'RE SHRINKING,

TED IS WEARING HIS... [Spanish
Accent] CONQUISTADOR BOOTS.

OHH!

UH-HUH.

I DON'T LIKE 'EM.

WELL, I DO, LOU, AND
I'M GONNA WEAR THEM.

OKAY.

JUST SO LONG AS YOU DON'T LOSE
YOUR BALANCE WHILE YOU'RE ON THE AIR.

I MEAN, PHYSICALLY TOO. YOU'D
BETTER GET TO THE STUDIO.

OH.

I WANNA SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE.

SURE.

CLOSE THE DOOR.

MARY, I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU A LITTLE COURSE
ON THE BASICS OF GOOD BROADCASTING.

ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.

RULE NUMBER ONE: YOU NEVER
FIRE YOUR OLD SPORTSCASTER...

UNTIL YOU'VE HIRED
YOUR NEW SPORTSCASTER.

BECAUSE THAT LEAVES A
HOLE IN YOUR ORGANIZATION.

WE'VE GOT A HOLE IN
OUR ORGANIZATION, MARY.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT
HIS NAME IS? [Clicks On]

TONIGHT IN THE NEWS, HOT
WAR THREATENS IN THE MIDEAST,

HURRICANE EMILY
IS ON THE RAMPAGE...

AND NEW FLARE-UPS
IN SOUTHEAST ASIA.

MORE ABOUT THESE HEADLINES IN A MOMENT.
FIRST, NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF SPORTS.

MR. GRANT!

HE'S LEADING WITH
THE SPORTS. SHH!

I'M SURE YOU'RE ALL WONDERING WHY I'M
STANDING HERE ABOUT TO DELIVER THE SPORTS.

WELL, OUR REGULAR SPORTSCASTER,
ED CAVANAUGH, IS NO LONGER WITH US.

THERE COMES A TIME
WHEN WE ALL MUST MOVE ON,

AND FOR ED, THAT
TIME CAME YESTERDAY.

TONIGHT YOURS TRULY WILL
PICK UP THE FALLEN GAUNTLET...

AND ACT AS SPORTSCASTER
AS WELL AS ANCHORMAN.

AND NOW THE
SPORTS. [Clears Throat]

HI THERE, SPORTS FANS.
THIS IS TED BAXTER...

JUMPING INTO THE BATTER'S BOX AND TAKING A
FEW HEALTHY CUTS AT THE SCORES OF THE DAY.

IT'S HALFTIME AT THE MONDAY
NIGHT GAME OF THE WEEK.

GREEN BAY, 7. NEW
YORK GIANTS, 7.

BUT I UNDERSTAND THE GAME IS MUCH
CLOSER THAN THE SCORE INDICATES.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE
OF THE WORLD OF SPORTS.

BUT FIRST, BACK TO TED.

MARY! I KNOW, I KNOW.
A SPORTSCASTER, QUICK.

WLR-TV IN NEWARK? RIGHT.

AND IN ADDITION TO MY OTHER DUTIES, I HAD
A HALF-HOUR SHOW OF MY OWN ONCE A WEEK.

OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC. MAY I ASK
WHY YOU LEFT YOUR LAST POSITION?

THEY FIRED ME AND HIRED A JOCK.

- A WHAT?
- A JOCK. AN EX-ATHLETE.

THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING IN
THE BUSINESS TODAY, YOU KNOW.

EVERYBODY WANTS TO HIRE A JOCK.

GUYS LIKE DON
MEREDITH, FRANK GIFFORD,

MAURY WILLS, SANDY KOUFAX,
DON DRYSDALE, TONY KUBEK...

- I SEE.
- PEE WEE REESE, JERRY COLEMAN,
PHIL RIZZUTO,

PAT SUMMERALL, GAYLE
SAYERS. MR. MORTON...

WELL, HANK, THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR COMING IN.

I DO HAVE YOUR NUMBER.
LOOK, I CAN DELIVER FOR YOU.

AND I'M SURE YOU
WOULD. YOU GOT MY TAPE?

YES, I HAVE. RIGHT
THERE ON THE DESK. OH.

YOU DO WANNA HIRE A JOCK, DON'T
YOU? I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR FACE.

HANK, I PROMISE YOU,
I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.

SAY, MARY, I SET UP A MEETING
FOR YOU WITH PHIL BERENSEN.

GREAT GUY. USED TO PLAY
LINEBACKER FOR THE VIKINGS.

I KNEW IT. EVERYWHERE
I GO IT'S THE SAME THING.

WHY DO THEY KEEP TRYING
TO TAKE AWAY MY JOB?

GUYS LIKE PHIL
RUSSELL, JACK KLYMAN,

RAFER JOHNSON, DEREK
CROSS, GUSSY MORAN.

- WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?
- JOCKS.

OH. LISTEN, ABOUT PHIL
BERENSEN. IT'S YOUR DECISION.

THE FACT THAT I
THINK PHIL'S TERRIFIC...

OR THAT HE'S A GOOD
FRIEND OF MINE...

SHOULDN'T OVERLY INFLUENCE YOU.

THANK YOU, MR. GRANT.
OR "UNDERLY" EITHER.

- UH, ONE MORE QUESTION.
- YES?

DO YOU VALIDATE? SORRY.

BET YOU'D VALIDATE
IF I WAS A JOCK.

ANY CALLS ABOUT TED'S LITTLE
SPORTS STINT LAST NIGHT?

OH, YES. CALLS, TELEGRAMS.
OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.

DO YOU REMEMBER TED'S
LITTLE "ED'S GONE AWAY" SPEECH?

HE MADE IT SOUND LIKE ED DIED.

THESE ARE ALL
TELEGRAMS OF SYMPATHY.

SO, HOW'S IT GOING? DID YOU
FIND YOUR SPORTSCASTER YET?

NO. MURRAY, YOU CAN'T
BELIEVE WHAT A DAY I'VE HAD.

MR. GRANT IS PRESSURING
ME TO HIRE A FRIEND OF HIS.

I'VE GOTTEN A RÉSUMÉ FROM THE ELEVATOR
OPERATOR AND TWO MAIL ROOM BOYS.

I CAN'T EVEN WALK DOWN THE HALL
WITHOUT SOMEBODY BEGGING ME TO HIRE THEM.

- IT'S JUST INCREDIBLE.
- MMM, I KNOW.

THAT'S WHY I'M NOT
BOTHERING YOU.

THAT'S WHY I HAVEN'T EVEN MENTIONED
THE FACT THAT I HAVE AN AUDITION TAPE.

MURRAY, I'D BE GLAD TO LISTEN TO
IT. AND I'D LOVE IT IF IT WORKED OUT.

THANKS, MAR. BUT I WANNA TELL
YOU A FEW THINGS ABOUT IT FIRST.

UH... UH... AH, NO,
IT'S NOT ANY GOOD.

LOOK, I GOT THE SCORES WRONG.

I COUGHED ONCE OR
TWICE IN THE MIDDLE.

MY VOICE KEPT FADING IN AND OUT.

I KEPT RUNNING OUT OF BREATH.
I HICCUPPED AND SNEEZED.

BUT SEE WHAT YOU THINK.

[Knocking] MAR, IT'S RHODA.

- YEAH. COME ON IN.
- HI.

- MORNING, KID. CAN YOU
GIVE ME A LIFT TO WORK?
- YEAH, SURE.

MARY, ISN'T THAT THE SAME OUTFIT
YOU WERE WEARING YESTERDAY?

RHODA, THIS IS THE SAME
EVERYTHING AS YESTERDAY.

I HAVE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT
LONG LISTENING TO THESE TAPES.

GEE. LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY TAPPED
THE PHONES OF THE KING FAMILY.

- YOU PICK ANYBODY YET?
- NO. NO, BUT I HAVE
NARROWED IT DOWN TO TWO.

YEAH, MARY, WOULDN'T IT BE
WONDERFUL IF GUYS ACTUALLY LOOKED...

LIKE THEIR 8-BY-10 GLOSSIES?

- TED DOES.
- TED IS AN 8-BY-10 GLOSSY.

- WHO IS THIS, MARY? HE LOOKS GOOD.
- THAT'S PHIL BERENSEN.

THE EX-LINEBACKER? RIGHT. RIGHT.

GEE, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE
HIM SINCE HIS FACE HEALED.

SEE, HE'S MR. GRANT'S CANDIDATE.

IF I PICKED HIM, I WOULD MAKE
LIFE SO SIMPLE FOR MYSELF.

BUT I WANNA DO IT MY OWN WAY.

BOY, RHODA, IT'S SUCH A
WEIRD FEELING, YOU KNOW?

KNOWING THAT EVERY
TIME YOU SAY, "NO, NOT HIM,"

YOU COULD BE CHANGING
A MAN'S WHOLE LIFE.

YEAH. I FEEL THAT
WAY WITH GUYS...

EVERY TIME I SAY YES.

[Sighs]

MARY, YOU ARE
ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED.

WELL, RHODA, IT'S THE FIRST
RESPONSIBLE THING HE'S GIVEN ME TO DO.

AND I DON'T WANT IT TO BE JUST A GOOD
CHOICE; I WANT IT TO BE A GREAT CHOICE.

I WANT IT TO BE THE BEST DAMN
CHOICE ANYONE AT WJM EVER MADE.

SO IT'S DOWN TO TWO... PHIL
BERENSEN OR ANDY RIVERS.

GREAT. SO PICK ONE. [Sighs]

I MEAN, WHICH ONE
DO YOU LIKE THE BEST?

ANDY RIVERS. THEN GO WITH HIM.

OKAY, I WILL. IT'S ANDY RIVERS.

IT'S ANDY RIVERS!

I'VE MADE MY DECISION.
IT'S ANDY RIVERS.

OH, RHODA, ALL NIGHT
LONG, WONDERING,

"IS IT PHIL BERENSEN
OR ANDY RIVERS?"

AND NOW I KNOW.
IT'S ANDY RIVERS!

OR HERM BERNARD.

MURRAY, YOU FINISHED
WITH THE SPORTS COPY?

YEAH, IT'S SOMEWHERE
IN THAT PILE.

I JUST WANNA GO
OVER ANDY'S COPY.

MURRAY, I CAN'T FIND IT.

NOW, LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.

MARY, YOU MADE THE RIGHT
CHOICE. HE'S GONNA DO JUST FINE.

DO YOU THINK SO? YES.

DO YOU REALLY THINK SO? SURE.

YEAH, ME TOO. I THINK HE'S
GONNA BE JUST WONDERFUL.

MURRAY, THIS IS IT? MM-HMM.

- JUST THREE HOCKEY SCORES?
- THEY WERE THE ONLY
GAMES SCHEDULED.

- WHAT ABOUT FOOTBALL? DIDN'T
SOMETHING HAPPEN IN FOOTBALL?
- MARY, TODAY IS A BIG NEWS DAY.

WE HAD TO CUT DOWN ON SPORTS TO MAKE
ROOM FOR THE IMPORTANT NEWS STORIES.

WELL, LIKE WHAT?
WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT?

THE STOCK MARKET WENT UP 15
POINTS, KISSINGER'S ON HIS WAY TO CHINA,

AND WE HAVE FILM OF
THE LOCH NESS MONSTER.

WELL, MURRAY, I DON'T
THINK THAT'S SO IMPORTANT.

WELL, AND LOU DECIDED HE WANTED FIVE
MINUTES ON THAT NEW FEATURE HE'S RUNNING.

YOU KNOW, THE ONE ON THE
MINORITIES AND THE TWIN CITIES.

AW, MURRAY, I THOUGHT WE COVERED
ALL THE MINORITIES IN THE TWIN CITIES.

TONIGHT IT'S FILIPINOS.

[Laughing]

SAY, MAR, THAT GUY
YOU HIRED... ANDY RIVERS.

I JUST SAW HIM IN MAKEUP. I THINK
YOU GOT A REAL LOSER THERE.

OH, HE'S GONNA BOMB TONIGHT.

TED, IF YOU DO
ANYTHING TONIGHT...

HI. HI, ANDY.

HI. WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.
ANDY, HAVE YOU MET MURRAY SLAUGHTER?

HI, ANDY. HI, MURRAY.

AND YOU HAVE MET TED. YES.

SAY, ANDY, I WAS JUST WONDERING, WHO
HOLDS THE AMERICAN LEAGUE RECORD...

FOR MOST CONSECUTIVE STRIKEOUTS?

GEE, I DON'T THINK I KNOW, TED.

OH, GEE, I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO
ASK SOMEONE ELSE, WON'T I?

AND HE CALLS HIMSELF
A SPORTSCASTER.

ANDY, HERE'S YOUR
COPY. IT'S A LITTLE THIN.

YOU KNOW, WE HAVE
THESE OTHER STORIES.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MARY.
THERE'LL BE OTHER DAYS.

HE HOPES.

I GUESS I'D BETTER BE GETTING
DOWN TO THE STUDIO, HUH? GOOD LUCK.

GOOD LUCK, ANDY. THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE ROOTING FOR YOU.
BEFORE YOU GO IN THERE, ANDY,

AFTER I INTRODUCE YOU, REMEMBER,

YOU LOOK INTO CAMERA 3.

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LOOK
INTO CAMERA 1. THAT'S MY CAMERA.

- SURE, TED.
- TED, THIS IS HIS FIRST
SHOW TONIGHT.

SO JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE, ALL
RIGHT? TONIGHT IS IMPORTANT TO HIM,

AND IT'S IMPORTANT
TO ME, SO LAY OFF!

MURRAY, I THINK I
HEAR WEDDING BELLS.

[Ted On TV, Indistinct]

TED'S NOT GONNA LET HIM ON. RELAX.
THERE'S FIVE MINUTES LEFT IN THE SHOW.

AND THAT'S THE LOOK AT THE
FILIPINO COMMUNITY IN THE TWIN CITIES.

AND WEREN'T THEY THREE OF THE
NICEST PEOPLE YOU'D EVER WANNA MEET?

AND NOW, HERE'S THE
NEW GUY WITH THE SPORTS.

THANKS, TED. ANDY RIVERS HERE WITH
TODAY'S ACTION IN THE WORLD OF SPORTS.

"THE NORTH STARS SHUT OUT
THE NEW YORK RANGERS 2-NOTHING,

"CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS OUTSHOT
THE LOS ANGELES KINGS 5 TO 3,

AND THE BOSTON BRUINS DEFEATED
THE PHILADELPHIA FLYERS 7 TO 1."

- AND NOW, BACK TO TED.
- NICE JOB.

[TV Clicks Off] YOU MADE
A GOOD CHOICE, MARY.

REALLY GOOD.

I SAID, "GOOD CHOICE, MARY."

YOU DID GOOD. HE'S
GONNA WORK OUT GREAT.

I... I KNOW.

MARY, WHAT'S WRONG?

5 TO 3, 2-NOTHING, 7 TO 1.

I WORKED SO HARD...

TWO WHOLE WEEKS OUT
OF MY LIFE, AND FOR WHAT?

5 TO 3, 2-NOTHING, 7 TO 1.

I WAS SO PROUD.

I DIDN'T SLEEP ONE WHOLE
NIGHT. AND WHAT WAS IT ALL FOR?

5 TO 3, 9 TO 7, 8 TO 2.

[Sobbing] [Muttering]

MARY, LET'S GO INTO MY OFFICE.

NO CALLS.

MARY, YOU LOOK A LITTLE DOWN.

I WANNA SEE YOU SMILING AGAIN.

SO, MARY, LET ME
TELL YOU ABOUT LIFE.

WE'RE BORN, WE LIVE, AND WE DIE.

AND YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT IT ALL MEANS?

NOTHING.

NOTHING? NOTHING.

LOOK AT WINSTON CHURCHILL.

A GREAT MAN, RIGHT? MAYBE THE
GREATEST MAN OF THE CENTURY.

LET ME ASK YOU THIS:
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME...

YOU HEARD ANYBODY
MENTION WINSTON CHURCHILL?

I DON'T KNOW.

THE GREATEST MAN OF THE
CENTURY, AND YOU DON'T KNOW.

ALL RIGHT. REMEMBER WHEN EVERYONE
THOUGHT ED THE SPORTSCASTER HAD DIED?

LOOK AT THIS POSTCARD.
READ WHAT IT SAYS.

"SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT ED.

HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME. BEST
REGARDS, CHARLEY KELLERMAN."

MMM. THAT'S WHAT A MAN'S
LIFE COMES DOWN TO, MARY...

"SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT ED"...

ON THE BACK OF A PICTURE
POSTCARD OF DISNEYLAND.

[Sobs]

MARY, MARY, MARY.

CHEER UP. CHEER UP.

BECAUSE IN AN INFINITE UNIVERSE,

ON A PLANET THE SIZE OF A PIN,

WE ARE MERE SPECKS OF DUST...

WAITING TO BE BLOWN AWAY.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M
TRYING TO TELL YOU?

I SEE. GOOD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MR. GRANT. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I FEEL... SO MUCH BETTER.

EXCUSE ME, MARY? MMM?

I WAS WONDERING, IF YOU'RE NOT DOING
ANYTHING, MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO GO OUT...

AND HAVE SOME
DINNER WITH ME. UH...

ANDREW, EXCUSE ME. I
COULDN'T HELP BUT OVERHEARING.

MARY, WOULD YOU HOLD UP
YOUR ANSWER FOR A SECOND?

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO
ANDREW FOR A MINUTE. SURE.

LOOK, ANDY, LET ME
CLUE YOU IN ABOUT MARY.

SHE MAKES IT A POLICY NOT TO
GO OUT WITH US ON-THE-AIR GUYS.

WHEN SHE FIRST CAME TO THE STATION,
I ASKED HER OUT A COUPLE OF TIMES.

SHE TURNED ME DOWN EVERY TIME.

IF SHE WON'T GO OUT
WITH ME, SHE CERTAINLY...

ANDY, I'D LOVE TO
HAVE DINNER WITH YOU.

WON'T GO OUT WITH YOU. TERRIFIC.

BE CAREFUL, ANDY. THAT'S THE WAY
SHE FIRED THE LAST SPORTSCASTER.

[Mews]