Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 4, Episode 23 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

Ted believes that the act of writing is beneath him, until he learns that some of the "big ones", such as Walter Cronkite, sometimes write their own copy. When Ted's attempt to emulate a "big one" has a less than positive response, Ted decides that he will sit in on a creative writing class. Unfortunately for Mary, the class that he chooses is the one she is taking. Ted thinks that he can breeze through the class on the strength of his news background, but finds that his first assignment is more difficult to write than he imagined. A day before the assignment is due and is to be read in front of the class, Ted has not even started and asks Mary to write his paper for him, which she refuses to do. But Ted will do anything to make himself look good in front of the class, even at the expense of a friend.

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♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

OH, SAY, MURR, I'M SORRY I MISSED A
WHOLE PAGE OF YOUR COPY LAST NIGHT.

BUT I DOUBT IF ANYBODY NOTICED.



WHEN I REALIZED I WAS RUNNING
SHORT, I AD-LIBBED AN EDITORIAL.

YEAH. THAT WAS REALLY
QUICK THINKING, TED.

AN EDITORIAL ON WHY STEWARDESSES
SHOULD WEAR TIGHTER SKIRTS.

IT'S A SIMPLE MATTER
OF SAFETY, MURR.

LOOSE CLOTHING CAN
GET CAUGHT IN MACHINERY.

WHAT ARE YOU WORKIN' ON, MARY?

OH, IT... IT'S NOTHING,
TED. IT'S NOTHING.

HO-HO, COME ON. WHAT IS IT?
NO. TED, REALLY, IT'S NOTHING.

COME ON. NO.

COME ON! NO!

IT RIPPED. GO AHEAD.
KEEP YOUR SECRET.

NOBODY TELLS ME ANYTHING AROUND
HERE ANYWAY. TED, IT'S NOT A SECRET.

IT'S JUST A COURSE
IN WRITING I'M TAKING.

WRITING? THAT'S TAKING A
STEP BACKWARD, ISN'T IT?



NO, TED. NOT AT ALL.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS LEARN TO
WRITE A DECENT PARAGRAPH.

YOU KNOW? YEAH. I UNDERSTAND.

POSSIBLY WORK UP TO A SHORT
PIECE OF COPY ONCE IN A WHILE,

MAYBE A FULL-LENGTH
NEWS STORY. SURE.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE EVEN SELL A COUPLE
OF ARTICLES TO SOME OF THE NEWSPAPERS.

MAYBE PLACE A FEW SHORT STORIES IN
SOME OF THE BETTER MAGAZINES, YOU KNOW?

AFTER WHICH, IF AN IDEA FOR A NOVEL
CAME TO ME, UH, YOU KNOW, WHO KNOWS:

MAYBE A COUPLE OF MORE NOVELS, A
BOOK-OF-THE-MONTH, A BEST SELLER,

A LITTLE RECOGNITION, A FEW
PRIZES... ALL OF THE PRIZES...

OR MAYBE JUST WRITE
A DECENT PARAGRAPH.

I WANTED TO BE A
JOURNALIST ONCE.

IN MY STUDENT DAYS, I
WAS ALWAYS ON THE PAPER.

WHERE WAS THAT, TED...
OBEDIENCE SCHOOL?

I COVERED SPORTS. THEY USED
TO CALL ME "SCOOP" BAXTER.

- THAT'S A NEWSPAPER TERM, MARY.
- YEAH, TED. I KNOW.

WELL, I TOOK A
WRITING COURSE ONCE,

BUT AN ANCHORMAN DOESN'T HAVE
TIME TO FRITTER AWAY ON WRITING.

CRONKITE DOES.

YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. HE DOES, DOESN'T
HE? HE WRITES A LOT OF HIS OWN COPY.

HE DOES?

BOY, CAN YOU IMAGINE...
WRITING AND BROADCASTING?

I MEAN, BOY, WHAT A
SATISFACTION THAT MUST BE.

YEAH... TWO PAYCHECKS.

WELL, MOST OF THE BIG
ONES WRITE COPY, TED.

WELL, I COULD
WRITE IF I WANTED TO.

THE ONLY REASON I NEVER
WROTE BEFORE THIS IS

BECAUSE, WELL, IT JUST
NEVER OCCURRED TO ME.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT
COMING IN OUT OF THE RAIN.

MURRAY, YOU DON'T SUPPOSE THAT WE
MAY HAVE PUT AN IDEA IN TED'S HEAD, DO YOU?

DON'T WORRY. IF WE DID,
IT'LL DIE OF LONELINESS.

HEY, IT'S AIRTIME. WHAT'S THE MATTER? AM
I THE ONLY ONE WHO WATCHES OUR SHOW?

OH. I'M... I'M SORRY. MR. GRANT, I
WAS JUST DOING, UH, SOME WRITING.

OH. THAT'S LOVELY.

I LIKE EVERYONE IN MY
NEWSROOM TO HAVE A HOBBY.

AREN'T YOU GONNA WATCH
THE NEWS? LOU, I WROTE IT.

THE BIG HEADLINE IS A DROP IN
SOYBEAN PRICES. [Switch Clicks]

NOW, WHY SHOULD I STAY HERE
AND BE BORED WITH MY OWN COPY?

[Ted On TV] GOOD EVENING, MR. AND MRS.
TWIN CITIES. LET'S GO TO PRESS. FLASH:

THE BULLS AND BEARS WERE CAUGHT
WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN TODAY,

AS OLD MAN SOYBEAN
DID A KAMIKAZE.

MURRAY... "DID A KAMIKAZE"?
I DIDN'T WRITE THAT.

ON THE INTERNATIONAL FRONT, THE
U.N. CELEBRATED AN ANNIVERSARY TODAY,

AND I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO
HONOR THEM WITH A TRIBUTE IN VERSE.

LOU, I SWEAR. I DIDN'T WRITE ANY
TRIBUTES IN VERSE. WELL, SOMEBODY DID IT.

"HAIL THE TOWERING GLASS
BUILDING. HAIL THE MANY DIPLOMATS:

"ARABS IN THEIR
ROBES AND SLIPPERS,

DUTCHMEN IN THEIR WOODEN HATS."

TED DID IT.

"HAIL THE DOVE WITH THE OLIVE
BRANCH... AND MAY HIS FLOCK INCREASE...

COOING THE HYMN
OF BROTHERHOOD"...

AND LAYING AN EGG OF PEACE.

MR. GRANT, YOU CAN'T BLAME US.

ALL RIGHT, WHO
GAVE HIM THE PENCIL?

ON THE HOME FRONT, PATRIOTIC
CITIZENS ARE MAKING DAILY SACRIFICES...

TO MEET THE FUEL SHORTAGE.

HANG IN THERE, YANKS. LET'S TIGHTEN
OUR BELTS AND SHOW THE WORLD...

IT TAKES MORE THAN A LITTLE
GAS TO STOP UNCLE SAM.

THAT DOES IT.

[Switch Clicks] I'M
GONNA GO AFTER HIM.

MR. GRANT, YOU CAN'T.
HE'S ON THE AIR. I DON'T CARE.

LOU, YOU CAN'T
KILL HIM ON THE AIR.

YOU'RE RIGHT... TOO
MANY WITNESSES.

OKAY. HE'S GOT TILL 7:00.

TED...

UH, YES, LOU? TED.

MR. GRANT, HI.

HI, GEORGETTE.

TED... HI, LOU.

UHHH,

I WANNA DISCUSS TONIGHT'S
BROADCAST WITH TED,

SO WOULD YOU EXCUSE US, GEORGETTE,
BECAUSE IT MAY GET KINDA TECHNICAL.

HOW DO YOU MEAN? UHH...

UH, IT'LL MEAN USING CERTAIN
WORDS YOU MAY NOT BE FAMILIAR WITH.

OH, THAT'S OKAY, LOU.
SHE DOESN'T MIND. I MIND!

I DON'T.

TED, I REALLY THINK IT WOULD BE
BETTER IF GEORGETTE WOULD EXCUSE US.

UH, WH... WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE. WHAT
THE HECK, LOU. NOT AT THE MOMENT WE'RE NOT.

I'LL GO GET YOU A SODA
FROM THE MACHINE, TED. OH!

I THINK MR. GRANT WANTS
TO SPEAK TO YOU ALONE.

THANK YOU, GEORGETTE. THANK YOU.

[Rattles Knob]

[Chuckling]

H-HEY... HEY, HOW DO YOU FEEL,
BIG FELLA? TONIGHT'S SHOW...

THAT WAS A PIECE OF
BROADCASTING HISTORY.

[Chuckles, Stops]

IT... WAS... A...
PIECE OF... GARBAGE!

IT WAS A DISGRACE...

AND HUMILIATION TO
EVERYBODY WHO WORKS IN NEWS...

HERE AND AROUND THE WORLD!

GRANTED, IT DID NEED
A LITTLE IMPROVEMENT.

WHERE DO YOU GET OFF CHANGING
MURRAY'S COPY? IT WAS FLAT, LOU.

I DIDN'T CHANGE THE FACTS. I
JUST JAZZED UP THE LANGUAGE.

JAZZED UP.

JAZZED UP.

JAZZED UP?

TED, YOU DO NOT CHANGE THE
WORDING OF A DIRECT QUOTE.

AND I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THE QUEEN OF
ENGLAND CALLS THE FRENCH AMBASSADOR...

"THE DUDE FROM FROGTOWN."

MY ANCHORMAN DOES NOT
WRITE COPY. I WON'T HAVE IT!

WELL, THE BIG ONES DO IT, LOU.

I SEE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
MAKE SOMETHING CLEAR TO YOU...

THAT I THOUGHT YOU
ALREADY UNDERSTOOD:

YOU'RE NOT A BIG ONE.

SO KNOCK IT OFF! BECAUSE
IF YOU TRY IT AGAIN,

I'LL BREAK YOUR TONGUE.

[Doorbell Buzzes]
[Hair Dryer Whirring]

[Doorbell Buzzes]

[Whirring Stops]

HI, MARY. TED. GEORGETTE.

I HOPE WE'RE NOT DISTURBING YOU.

UH, NO. IT'S JUST I'M NOT USED
TO HAVING CALLERS AT, UH...

- WHAT... WHAT TIME IS IT ANYWAY?
- QUARTER PAST
THE ELEVEN O'CLOCK NEWS.

I TOLD TED WE
SHOULDN'T JUST DROP IN.

TED, WE SHOULDN'T HAVE JUST
DROPPED IN. I'M SO SORRY, MARY.

UH, GEORGETTE, IT'S ALL
RIGHT. SEE? THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

HE-HEY, I LIKE YOUR
HAT, MARY. [Chuckles]

I'M NOT WEARING IT FOR THE
APPEARANCE, TED. MY HAIR WAS DIRTY.

[Chuckling] WELL, WOULDN'T IT
BE SIMPLER JUST TO WASH IT?

[Giggling] [Laughs] AH.

I'M SO SORRY TO INTRUDE, MARY,
BUT TED SAID HE HAD TO SEE YOU.

AND WHEN TED MAKES UP
HIS MIND TO DO SOMETHING,

IT'S LIKE TRYING TO
GRAB A COMET BY THE TAIL.

OH. HUH. EXACTLY.

WELL... UH...

WHAT, UH, CAN I DO
FOR YOU? LISTEN, MARY.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF TONIGHT'S
SHOW? I WROTE MOST OF THE NEWS MYSELF.

YEAH. I KNOW.
WASN'T IT INCREDIBLE?

THAT'S THE WORD FOR IT.

OF COURSE, I'M A
PERFECTIONIST, MARY. GOOD AS

IT WAS, I FELT IT NEEDED
A LITTLE IMPROVEMENT.

NOW, I'M NOT ONE TO PUT MUCH
STOCK IN WRITING SCHOOLS, BUT I...

TED FEELS WRITING IS ONE OF THOSE
THINGS YOU HAVE TO BE BORN WITH,

LIKE A DEEP VOICE OR GRAY HAIR.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW
MUCH THEY CAN TEACH ME,

BUT, UH, SINCE YOU RECOMMEND
THIS COURSE OF YOURS SO HIGHLY...

AH, NO. WAIT A MINUTE, TED. I DID NOT
RECOMMEND THE COURSE. NO. UH-UH.

TED, FOR YOU TO TAKE THIS
COURSE WOULD BE A BIG MISTAKE.

WHAT HARM WOULD... WOULD IT
BE IF I SAT IN ON A FEW SESSIONS?

TED, LOOK. THE COURSE STARTED TWO
WEEKS AGO. I MEAN, YOU'D NEVER CATCH UP.

MARY, I'M HARDLY A BEGINNER. I MEAN,
I... I'VE HAD NEWSPAPER EXPERIENCE.

THEY USED TO CALL
HIM "STOOP" BAXTER.

TED, TAKING A COURSE LIKE THIS WOULD
BE A WASTE OF YOUR NATURAL GIFTS.

HOW DO YOU MEAN? YOU'RE A STAR.

YOU'VE GOT TALENT.

I MEAN, TO TAKE A BEGINNER'S COURSE
LIKE THIS WOULD JUST BE A STEP BACKWARDS.

I KNOW. WELL, THAT'S WHAT
I... THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER.

AND HE'S ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT, GEORGETTE... TED!

I MEAN, IT WOULD
TAKE UP MOST OF HIS

EVENINGS, AND YOU
CERTAINLY DON'T WANT THAT.

DO YOU, GEORGETTE? I JUST WANT
WHAT'S BEST FOR TED'S CAREER, THOUGH.

YEAH. ME TOO. HOW MANY
EVENINGS WOULD IT TAKE UP?

A LOT. A LOT OF EVENINGS,
TED. SO MANY. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

TED, YOU JUST GO ON DOIN' WHAT
YOU'RE DOING SO... VERY WELL.

AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, OKAY?
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME, MARY.

AND I'M SO SORRY WE HAD TO BOTHER YOU,
BUT I COULDN'T STOP MY CRAZY COMET HERE.

AH, NO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL,
RIGHT? GOOD NIGHT, MARY.

GOOD NIGHT.

WHEW. MARY, I'VE GOT
TO TAKE THAT COURSE.

NO. YOU DON'T
HAVE TO. YES. I DO.

YES. I'VE REALLY GOT TO TAKE
IT, MARY. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO?

GEORGETTE LOOKS UP TO ME, BUT
HOW CAN I HAVE ANY SELF-RESPECT...

IF ALL I DO IS READ WHAT
SOMEBODY WRITES FOR ME?

IF YOU WERE ME, MARY, WOULD
YOU HAVE ANY SELF-RESPECT?

GEE, TED, I WISH YOU'D
PUT IT ANOTHER WAY.

I'VE GOTTA TAKE THAT COURSE. I'LL
SEE YOU IN CLASS TOMORROW NIGHT.

COSTS A HUNDRED DOLLARS.

IF I DECIDE TO TAKE THE COURSE.

SAY, MAR, YOU'RE
IN LUCK. OH, HI, TED.

I SAVED A PLACE FOR
YA. UH, WELL, NO. THAT'S

ALL RIGHT. I SIT RIGHT
HERE IN THE BACK.

OH, I SWITCHED IT. THESE THINGS ARE
MORE FUN IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND TO SIT WITH.

YEAH, BUT TED, I DON'T LIKE TO SIT
UP FRONT. IT'S... IT'S TOO CONSPICUOUS.

IT'S FUN. [Sighs] ALL RIGHT.

OH, GET A LOAD OF THAT... THE
PEOPLE THAT THINK THEY CAN WRITE.

WHERE'S OLD GRANNY SIT? [Chuckles]
RIGHT THERE. SHE'S THE TEACHER.

MAYBE YOU BETTER INTRODUCE ME,
MARY, AS A COURTESY TO HER. MRS. MALONE...

YES. THIS IS TED BAXTER.
HE'S JOINING THE CLASS.

OH. YOUR FACE LOOKS SORT
OF FAMILIAR, MR. BAXTER.

THE REASON IT'S FAMILIAR IS BECAUSE
I'M TED BAXTER, THE ANCHORMAN.

ISN'T THAT EXCITING. MY FATHER
WAS AN OLD NAVY MAN, YOU KNOW.

MRS. MALONE, UH,
TED IS IN TELEVISION.

OH, I... I AM SORRY.

YOU SEE, I DON'T
OWN A TELEVISION.

- WHAT DOES AN ANCHORMAN DO,
MR. BAXTER?
- I BROADCAST THE NEWS.

REALLY. I SEE. MY NEPHEW DID THAT
THE SUMMER THAT... AFTER HE GRADUATED.

YOU KNOW, HIS FAMILY WANTED HIM TO
GET A JOB, BUT YOU KNOW YOUNGSTERS.

[Chuckles]

SO I THINK BEFORE WE BEGIN THAT
I'D BETTER INTRODUCE MR. BAXTER,

WHO'S JUST JOINED OUR CLASS.

HI, GANG.

WHEN THIS COURSE
STARTED, MR. BAXTER,

WE EACH STOOD AND TOLD A
LITTLE BIT ABOUT OURSELVES.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING
TO DO THAT NOW?

WEH-HELL,

I AM NOT THE KIND OF A GUY
WHO LIKES TO BLOW HIS OWN HORN.

NOTHING I HATE WORSE
THAN A GUY STANDING UP

THERE READING OFF A
LIST OF ENDLESS TRIUMPHS.

SO I'LL JUST, UH, YIELD THE FLOOR TO
ONE OF MY CLOSEST AND DEAREST FRIENDS,

WHO KNOWS ME BETTER
THAN ANYONE: MARY RICHARDS.

OH, GOD, TED.

WELL, UH, TED IS THE ANCHORMAN WITH
WJM... STAND UP. STAND UP. STAND UP.

UM, TV.

HE'S, UH, BEEN WITH
US, UM, MANY YEARS.

TELL 'EM... TELL 'EM ABOUT THE TEDDY
AWARDS. HE WON THE, UH, TEDDY AWARD...

FOR EXCELLENCE IN
BROADCASTING. FOR EXCELLENCE

IN BROADCASTING,
AND, UH, THAT'S ABOUT IT.

HIGH SCHOOL. HIGH SCHOOL.
YES. HE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL.

THE PAPER. THE SCHOOL
PAPER. THE PAPER.

HE WORKED... [Clears Throat]
ON THE HIGH SCHOOL PAPER.

THANK YOU. THANK
YOU, MISS RICHARDS.

NOW, THE LAST TIME THAT WE... UH, EXCUSE
ME. EXCUSE ME. IF I MAY JUST HAVE A WORD.

[Clears Throat]

LOOK. UM, WHILE I'M IN THIS CLASS, I'M
A STUDENT JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU...

I MEAN, NO BETTER, NO WORSE.

OKAY, MAYBE A LITTLE BETTER, 'CAUSE
I'VE HAD A LITTLE MORE EXPERIENCE,

BUT I STILL PUT MY PANTS ON ONE LEG
AT A TIME, JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU...

WELL... [Laughing] SOME OF YOU.

GO AHEAD. [Laughing]

WELL, THANK YOU.

THE LAST TIME, UH, WE WERE
DISCUSSING THE USES OF ALLITERATION.

AND I THOUGHT THAT IT MIGHT BE
HELPFUL FOR... FOR THE MOMENT...

TO CONSIDER THIS PASSAGE
FROM HERMAN MELVILLE.

[Giggles] GET A LOAD OF
THAT NAME. [Quietly] TED.

"WHENEVER I FIND MYSELF
GROWING GRIM ABOUT THE MOUTH;

WHENEVER IT IS A DAMP,
DRIZZLY NOVEMBER IN MY SOUL"...

[Giggling]

"DRIZZLY NOVEMBER
IN MY SOUL"... [Laughing]

MURRAY CAN WRITE
BETTER THAN THAT.

TED, HERMAN MELVILLE IS ONE OF
MRS. MALONE'S FAVORITE WRITERS.

OH, YEAH? OH, WELL, I DIDN'T
MEAN TO STEP ON ANYBODY'S TOES.

I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE YOU ARE,
HERMAN, BUT NO HARD FEELINGS, OKAY, FELLA?

SAY, UH, JUST BETWEEN US, MAR,
UH, HOW'S TED DOING IN CLASS?

IT'S HARD TO TELL. HE HASN'T WRITTEN
ANYTHING YET. NOW, HOW COME?

WELL, TED'S FIRST DAY, THE TEACHER
WROTE ON THE BOARD, "WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW."

TED LOOKED AT THAT AND FROWNED,
AND HE HASN'T STOPPED FROWNING. [Laughs]

- WELL, HOW LONG
CAN HE KEEP THAT UP?
- I DON'T KNOW.

NEXT WEEK WE BOTH
HAVE TO READ ALOUD A VIVID

DESCRIPTION OF AN
UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE.

I TOOK THIS WRITING COURSE ONCE
WITH THIS HARD-NOSED OLD GUY.

ON THE FIRST DAY HE
SAID, "IF YOU STAY WITH ME,

"YOU'LL DO NOTHING BUT WRITE,
WRITE, WRITE SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.

"THEN YOU'LL RIP OUT EVERYTHING
YOU'VE WRITTEN AND REWRITE IT...

"AND REWRITE IT AGAIN.

"I'LL GIVE YA CONSTANT
CRITICISM AND LITTLE PRAISE,

"SO THAT YOU'LL CURSE THE
DAY YOU EVER SAW A TYPEWRITER.

IF THAT APPEALS TO
YA, THEN STICK AROUND."

WOW. AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I BET HE WAS A GREAT TEACHER.

COULD BE. I NEVER WENT BACK.

WELL, LISTEN. IF YOU'D LIKE,
I'D BE GLAD TO LEND YOU...

AN EXCERPT FROM MY
MEMOIRS OF THE KOREAN WAR...

TENTATIVELY TITLED,
HELL IN NEW JERSEY.

YEAH. I'LL BET EVERY GUY IN
THE SERVICE STARTED A NOVEL.

OH, YEAH. YOU WROTE ONE TOO,
LOU. UH, WHAT WAS YOURS CALLED?

EH, WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?

NO. WHAT WAS IT
CALLED, MR. GRANT?

TOO MANY FOXHOLES,
NOT ENOUGH LOVE.

THAT'S NOT A BAD TITLE.

THEY DIDN'T BUY IT, THOUGH, HUH?
YEAH, LOU. WHY'D THEY TURN IT DOWN?

OH, THEY SAID IT HAD TOO MANY
FOXHOLES AND NOT ENOUGH LOVE.

DON'T FEEL YOU HAVE
TO ENTERTAIN ME, MARY.

IF YOU WANT TO WORK ON YOUR
STORY, PLEASE JUST... OH, NO, NO.

THE STORY'S ALL FINISHED. ONCE
I GOT THE IDEA, I WAS JUST FINE.

THAT'S THE HARD
PART... ISN'T IT? YEAH.

TED SAYS HE'S GOT HIS ALL WRITTEN
IN HIS HEAD, EXCEPT FOR THE IDEA.

YOU MEAN HE HASN'T
FINISHED IT YET?

MARY, HE HASN'T EVEN STARTED,
AND HE'S BEEN AT IT A WEEK.

HE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

IS HE WRITING IT AT
YOUR HOUSE? WHY?

I HAVE A DEN. TED SAYS
A WRITER NEEDS A DEN.

HE BOUGHT A SMOKING JACKET AND A
PIPE AND PUT HIS TYPEWRITER IN MY DEN.

AND EVERY NIGHT HE PUTS
IN A CLEAN SHEET OF PAPER...

AND SITS WITH HIS HANDS ON
THE KEYBOARD, WHIMPERING.

- [Doorbell Buzzes] - [Georgette]
YOU WANT SOME MORE COFFEE?

NO, THANK YOU, GEORGETTE.

TED. HI. HI, MARY. HI, HONEY.

HI.

MARY, YOU'VE GOTTA HELP ME.
YOU'VE GOTTA WRITE MY PAPER FOR ME.

TED, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT? I CAN'T STAND

BEING EMBARRASSED IN
CLASS. I'M A CELEBRITY.

AND IF I'M EMBARRASSED,
THE STATION'S

EMBARRASSED. YOU OWE
IT TO THE STATION, MARY.

UH-HO-HO. NO, I DON'T, TED.

THE CLASS IS TOMORROW NIGHT, AND
I HAVEN'T WRITTEN A WORD. NO SOAP.

MARY, CAN I HELP IT IF I
FLUNKED OUT ENGLISH

AS A KID BECAUSE I
HAD TO WORK NIGHTS?

NO GOOD, TED. TRY
AGAIN. I'LL PAY YOU. BETTER

YET, I'LL GIVE YOU A
MENTION ON THE NEWS.

I'LL WORK YOU IN DURING THE WEATHER
FORECAST: HURRICANE MARY. TED,

I AM NOT GONNA WRITE YOUR STORY
FOR YOU. THEN I'LL WRITE ABOUT THIS.

I'LL TELL 'EM HOW YOU TURNED DOWN A
BUDDY IN DESPERATION. OH, COME ON, TED.

ALL YOU NEED IS AN IDEA, AND I'M
SURE YOU'LL COME UP WITH SOMETHING.

MARY IS ALREADY FINISHED, TED.

YOU DID? MM-HMM.

[Sighs] WHAT'S
YOURS ABOUT, MARY?

WELL, IT'S ABOUT SOMETHING THAT
HAPPENED TO ME WHEN I WAS 17.

OH, BOY. ANOTHER TEENAGE
REMINISCENCE. [Clicks Tongue] TED.

PLEASE TELL US, MARY. I
LOVE STORIES ABOUT BEING 17.

WELL, OKAY. I'LL GIVE
YOU THE GENERAL IDEA.

UM, WHEN I WAS 17, I HAD A
CRUSH ON THE CLASS PRESIDENT.

HE SEEMED OLDER
AND REALLY MATURE,

AND I WAS JUST SO HOPING THAT HE
WOULD INVITE ME TO THE GRADUATION DANCE.

BUT HE DIDN'T. INSTEAD, I WAS
ASKED BY A SHY, IMMATURE GUY...

WHO DIDN'T DANCE AND
DIDN'T HAVE A TUXEDO.

BOY, YOU MUST HAVE
BEEN A REAL LOSER.

PLEASE, TED. I THINK IT'S SAD
AND BEAUTIFUL. GO ON, MARY.

WELL, ANYWAY, I ACCEPTED EDWIN'S
INVITATION, BECAUSE I FIGURED,

THAT WAY I'D GET TO GO TO THE DANCE
AND MAYBE BOB WOULD NOTICE ME.

ANYWAY, IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SPRING NIGHT,
AND I HAD ON MY FIRST STRAPLESS FORMAL.

- AND I BET IT WAS WHITE.
- OF COURSE.

AND WHEN EDWIN PICKED ME UP, BOY, I
MEAN, I COULD PRACTICALLY HEAR THE MUSIC.

SO CAN I.

EXCEPT, WE DIDN'T GET TO GO RIGHT
TO THE DANCE. [Georgette] YOU DIDN'T?

NO. ON OUR WAY, WE SAW A
DOG THAT HAD BEEN HIT BY A CAR.

HE WASN'T BADLY HURT, YOU KNOW, BUT
EDWIN INSISTED THAT WE TAKE HIM TO THE VET.

SO WE DID... ME IN
MY FORMAL GOWN.

POOR MARY. POOR DOG.

DID HE PULL
THROUGH? OH. OH, YEAH.

YEAH, BUT WE GOT TO THE
DANCE REALLY LATE, AND, UH,

INSTEAD OF TELLING EDWIN
THAT IT WAS ALL RIGHT, I SULKED.

- HE HAD RUINED MY EVENING.
- HE DIDN'T MEAN TO.

WELL, ANYWAY, HE SAID THAT
HE WAS SORRY THAT I WAS UPSET,

BUT THAT IT REALLY DIDN'T MATTER TO
HIM WHETHER OR NOT PEOPLE LIKED HIM,

THAT WHAT MATTERED WAS
WHETHER OR NOT HE LIKED HIMSELF.

BOY, AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW
WHO THE MATURE ONE REALLY WAS.

WHO?

WELL, HERE GOES
NOTHING. YOU NERVOUS?

NO, I'M REALLY PRETTY CONFIDENT. I
MEAN, I'M ALMOST EAGER. HO-HO, BOY, NOT ME.

GOOD EVENING, CLASS. WELL, LET'S
SEE WHO'S SCHEDULED TO READ TONIGHT.

AH, MISS RICHARDS
AND MR. BAXTER.

MR. BAXTER, I THINK WE'LL
START WITH YOU, PLEASE.

GOOD LUCK.

[Clears Throat]

THIS ISN'T A VERY LONG SPEECH. I HAD A BUSY
WEEK... NEWS STORIES BREAKIN' EVERY HOUR.

MERIT ISN'T MEASURED
BY THE WORD, MR. BAXTER.

IT'S WHAT YOU HAVE
TO SAY. PLEASE READ IT.

[Clears Throat]

"STORM-TOSSED WAVES POUNDED THE BEACH,
AND A BLIZZARD SHRIEKED ROUND MY EARS...

"ON THE NIGHT OF MY HIGH
SCHOOL GRADUATION DANCE.

"SURE, MAYBE I COULDN'T
AFFORD A TUXEDO,

"BECAUSE I WAS SAVING EVERY
PENNY TO GO TO VETERINARY SCHOOL.

"THAT WAS NO REASON FOR MY
DATE, EDWINA, TO SNEER AT ME.

"AT LAST I REACHED HER HOUSE.

"ONE LOOK AT EDWINA IN
HER FIRST STRAPLESS GOWN,

AND I REALIZED WHO THE
MATURE ONE REALLY WAS.

"SUDDENLY, A CRY FILLED THE AIR.

"ONE OF HER FATHER'S PRIZE
STALLIONS HAD GONE INTO LABOR.

"TOSSING ASIDE THOUGHTS OF
THE DANCE, I... I RUSHED TO ITS SIDE.

"'BOIL WATER, ' I
YELLED. 'LOTS OF IT!'

"AND THROUGH THE NIGHT I KNELT BESIDE
THAT ANIMAL, AND AT DAWN I SAW MY REWARD:

"SIX BRAND-NEW BABY HORSES.

"'I LOVE YOU, ' EDWINA MURMURED.

"AND THAT MOMENT, I LEARNED
THE LESSON OF MY LIFE.

'WHO CARES?' I REPLIED.
'I LOVE MYSELF.' THE END."

AND NOW WE'LL HEAR FROM
MISS RICHARDS, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

I HAVE, UH, NEVER BEEN SO
HAPPY TO TELL A STORY IN MY LIFE.

UH, THIS IS A STORY ABOUT
SOMEBODY SO INSENSITIVE...

YES, INSENSITIVE, TED BAXTER...

THAT HE WOULD USE
PART OF A PERSON'S LIFE...

TO GET A CRUMMY THREE
MINUTES OF ATTENTION.

THIS IS SOMEBODY
SO... LOOK AT ME, TED...

SO INSENSITIVE, AND WHO HAS REACHED SUCH
A LOW POINT, THAT HE WOULD STEAL A STORY.

THAT WAS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT
MOMENTS OF MY LIFE, TED, AND YOU...

YOU MADE IT INTO
A... A HORSE STORY.

WELL, YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.

I'M GONNA GET SOME THINGS OFF MY
CHEST THAT I HAVE BEEN SAVING FOR YEARS.

[School Bell Rings] NOBODY MOVE!

[Mews]