Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 3, Episode 8 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

Mary is dating Wes Callison, the writer for Chuckles the Clown's show. The job is less than ideal for Wes as beyond Chuckles being a tyrannical boss, Wes really wants to be a performer, more specifically a stand-up comedian. After one temper tantrum too many by Chuckles, Wes quits. Mary believes Wes would be perfect to write and host a five minute segment on the news on the lighter side of life. Lou agrees to let Wes tape a test spot. After viewing the spot which Mary loves, Lou believes Wes' whimsical brand of humor isn't what the show needs. Lou leaves it to Mary to break the bad news to Wes. Following, Wes gets a job doing stand-up at the Melody Lounge, which he fails to mention is in a bowling alley. He invites the gang from the newsroom to his opening night as he wants a supportive crowd. Mary feels Wes' success or failure almost as much as Wes himself, to which Lou can attest. Regardless of Wes' success or failure, he will at least have had a chance to see if his dream of being a stand-up comedian is what he was meant to do.

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♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

[Knocking] MAR?

MORNING. MORNING, KID.



HEY, I THINK YOU GOT THE WRONG
NEWSPAPER THERE. THAT'S MINE.

THIS ONE'S YOURS. OH, I'M SORRY.

WAIT A MINUTE. RHODA, WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE? THEY'RE BOTH THE SAME.

UH, WHAT'S YOUR HEADLINE SAY?

SOMETHING ABOUT
TRANSIT STRIKE AVERTED.

MINE SAYS, "MARY
RICHARDS IS A TERRIFIC DATE."

HEY! OH, YOU KNOW WHO HAD
THIS MADE UP? WES CALLISON.

PROBABLY HAD IT DONE AT
ONE OF THOSE NOVELTY STORES.

THEN HE DROPPED IT OFF
SO I'D FIND IT THIS MORNING.

WES. IS THAT THE GUY YOU WENT OUT WITH
LAST NIGHT? YEAH. THIS IS JUST LIKE HIM.

- HE IS SUCH A FUN GUY.
- I MET A FUN GUY LIKE THAT
AT A PARTY.

AH, HE WAS WEARING BERMUDA SHORTS,
A PROPELLER BEANIE AND A T-SHIRT...

THAT SAID "OLYMPIC SEX TEAM."

- AH.
- DO YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY
BOTHERED ME, MAR?



IT WAS A COME-AS-YOU-ARE PARTY.

NO, NO. WES ISN'T LIKE
THAT. HE'S REALLY...

HE'S SWEET AND GOT A
GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

- HE'S THE KIND OF GUY
YOU SHOULD MEET.
- NO GOOD, MAR.

I ALWAYS GET A GUY WITH
A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR IS A GUY
WITH A GREAT SENSE OF SERIOUS.

UH-HUH. SO WHAT'S HE DO?

UH, HE'S A WRITER
AT THE STATION.

- HMM. NEWS WRITER, HUH?
- NO. HE'S A COMEDY WRITER.

- WHAT SHOW?
- CHUCKLES, UH...

CHUCKLES THE, YOU KNOW, CLOWN.

BUT IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY. HE
REALLY WANTS TO BE A COMEDIAN.

WAIT A MINUTE, MARY.

ARE YOU TELLING ME A GROWN MAN
ACTUALLY SITS IN FRONT OF A TYPEWRITER...

AND WRITES, "CHUCKLES HITS MR. PUSSYCAT
OVER THE HEAD WITH A RUBBER CHICKEN"?

I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

RHODA, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I AM KIND OF LATE FOR WORK.

MARY, I WOULD BET ANYTHING HE WROTE THE
CHUCKLES ANTHEM. HOW DOES THAT GO AGAIN?

"COME ON, GIRLS. COME ON, BOYS.

"YOU CAN MAKE A LOT OF NOISE.

"RUN AROUND, CAVORT, CUT UP.

THERE ARE NO GROWN-UPS
HERE TO SAY"... SHUT UP.

HI. HI!

- HEY, YOU'RE IN
KIND OF EARLY, AREN'T YOU?
- I HAD TO.

CHUCKLES IS ON THE WARPATH
AGAIN. HE DIDN'T LIKE MY LAST SCRIPT.

THIS IS CHUCKLES'S IDEA
OF A REJECTION SLIP. OH, NO.

HE WANTED A NEW TWIST ON
HIS OLD PIE-IN-THE-FACE ROUTINE,

SO I HAD THIS IDEA WHERE A MIDGET
RUNS IN, HITS HIM WITH A SHORTCAKE.

THAT SOUNDS KIND OF FUNNY TO ME.

CHUCKLES SAID HE THOUGHT IT
WAS TOO SUBTLE. YOU'RE KIDDING.

HE'S LOOKING AT MY
NEW SCRIPT NOW, SO I

THOUGHT I'D STOP BY
FOR A CUP OF KIND WORDS.

OH! HEY, LISTEN, I LOVED MY
NEWSPAPER THIS MORNING!

OH, REALLY? YES.

MARY, I... I REALLY HAD A
WONDERFUL TIME LAST NIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE. I THINK THE
GIRL'S SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT.

OH, HEY, WES, I HAD A
WONDERFUL TIME LAST NIGHT.

OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

ANYWAY, I CAME IN EARLY SO
CHUCKLES... I THINK THE NEW SCHEDULE...

[Chattering Continues]

GEE. I'M SORRY. I
HOPE I DIDN'T... OH, IT'S...

LOOK, I GOTTA GET GOING. IT'S
TIME FOR CHUCKLES'S 9:30 TANTRUM.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER, MAR.
- OKAY.

MARY. DON'T KISS IN THE OFFICE.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
THAT DOES IT. I'VE HAD IT.

WES, WHAT'S WRONG? I JUST QUIT.

WHAT HAPPENED? RIGHT AFTER I LEFT
YOU, I WALKED INTO CHUCKLES'S OFFICE.

THE FIRST THING HE HITS
ME WITH IS MY NEW SCRIPT.

- WHAT WAS THE MATTER WITH IT?
- I DON'T KNOW. HE JUST KEPT
HITTING ME WITH IT.

ONE THING LED TO
ANOTHER, AND, WELL, I... I QUIT.

MARY, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A
WRITER. YOU WANNA SEE SOMETHING?

LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK. LOOK AT THAT.

THIS IS WHAT HE MAKES ME WEAR
IN THE WARM-UP BEFORE THE SHOW.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
FOR A GROWN MAN DRESSED LIKE THIS...

TO STAND IN FRONT OF A BUNCH
OF SCREAMING KIDS, GOING,

"CHUCK-A-LUCK-A,
CHUCK-A-WUCK! CHUCK-A-LUCK-A,

CHUCK-A-WUCK!"
IT'S NOT DIGNIFIED.

HEY, MURR, THIS IS REALLY NEAT.

WHY DON'T WE GET SOME T-SHIRTS
LIKE THAT WITH MY FACE ON IT?

TED, WOULD YOU GO SOMEWHERE
ELSE AND TALK ABOUT T-SHIRTS, PLEASE?

- OH. OH, SURE, OKAY.
- I THINK YOU DID
THE RIGHT THING.

YOU DO? I DO.

BOY, I DON'T. WELL, AT
LEAST I WON'T GO HUNGRY.

I GOT A WHOLE GAG FILE
FULL OF SHORTCAKES.

WELL, WE DON'T HAVE THOSE KINDS OF
PROBLEMS ON OUR SHOW, DO WE, MURR?

WE'RE MORE THAN
ANCHORMAN AND WRITER.

WE'RE COMRADES-IN-ARMS,

PALS, BUDDIES, AMIGOS.

TED, I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR.

HEY, MURRAY, DO YOU REMEMBER
WHEN MR. GRANT SAID SOMETHING...

ABOUT DOING A FIVE-MINUTE
HUMOR SPOT ON THE NEWS?

YEAH. HE EVEN HAD A TITLE
FOR IT... "THE LIGHTER SIDE."

WES COULD DO THAT.
WHAT, YOU MEAN WRITE IT?

YEAH, HE COULD WRITE IT.
HE COULD PERFORM IT TOO.

NOT ON MY SHOW.

I MEAN, HE'S ALWAYS
WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN,

AND I THINK HE HAS
DONE SOME PERFORMING.

NOT ON MY SHOW. I
THINK IT'S A TERRIFIC IDEA.

MARY, TELL LOU THIS IS MY SHOW, AND
NOBODY GOES ON IT UNLESS I SAY SO.

OKAY, TED. I'LL TELL HIM THAT.

UH! ON SECOND THOUGHT,
I'LL... I'LL TELL HIM MYSELF.

LOU? HOW YOU DOIN'?

UH, MR. GRANT, ARE
YOU BUSY? YES, I AM BUSY.

WELL, I MEAN, ARE YOU REALLY
BUSY OR JUST, YOU KNOW, BUSY?

I WOULD SAY, "JUST,
YOU KNOW, BUSY."

IN THAT CASE,

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT HAVING WES CALLISON...

DO A FIVE-MINUTE HUMOR
SPOT ON THE NEWS.

I THOUGHT WE COULD TAPE
AN AUDITION DEMO, YOU KNOW,

AND THEN PLAY IT BACK TO
YOU AT YOUR CONVENIENCE.

- OKAY.
- BECAUSE, SEE, THE REASON
I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT...

WAS I REMEMBERED HOW YOU KEPT SAYING,
"WE GOTTA GET SOME HUMOR INTO THE NEWS."

MARY, I ALREADY SAID OKAY.

TAPE IT.

- OKAY?
- OKAY.

MR. GRANT, YOU'RE HAVING
FUN WITH ME, AREN'T YOU?

YES, MARY, I AM
HAVING FUN WITH YOU.

THIS IS PROBABLY THE
MOST FUN I HAVE HAD TODAY.

PRETTY SOON I WILL HAVE TO STOP
ALL THIS FUN AND GO BACK TO WORK.

AFTER ALL, MARY, LIFE IS MORE THAN
JUST MIRTH AND WHOOPEE, ISN'T IT?

I WILL GO AND TAPE IT.

MARY? THANKS FOR A GREAT TIME.

SO, AS WE STAND IN THE CHECKOUT
LINE THAT SAYS "EIGHT ITEMS OR LESS,"

SUDDENLY REALIZING WE HAVE NINE,

WE BID A FOND FAREWELL TO A GREAT
EVENING AT OUR LOCAL SUPERMARKET.

THIS IS WES CALLISON
FOR "THE LIGHTER SIDE."

OH, WELL, YOU CERTAINLY
WERE RIGHT AGAIN, MR. GRANT.

BOY, I GOTTA GIVE YOU THAT.

THIS IS JUST WHAT
OUR SHOW CAN USE.

IT'S GOT WARMTH, CHARM, HUMOR.

BOY, YOU SURE WERE RIGHT.

DON'T YOU THINK?

THAT YOU WERE RIGHT, MR. GRANT?

MARY, I DON'T THINK THAT
BELONGS ON OUR SHOW.

BUT, MR. GRANT, THIS IS
JUST THE KIND OF MATERIAL...

THAT PEOPLE CAN...
CAN IDENTIFY WITH.

I MEAN, LIKE WHAT WE JUST SAW.
EVERYBODY GOES TO THE SUPERMARKET.

I DON'T GO TO THE SUPERMARKET.

WELL, YOU GOTTA
ADMIT IT WAS FUNNY.

I MEAN, ALL RIGHT, IT
WASN'T FUNNY, HA HA,

BUT IT WAS CERTAINLY
FUNNY... SORT OF...

- WHIMSICAL?
- RIGHT! WHIMSICAL.

I HATE THAT.

MARY, WES IS A VERY NICE
GUY, BUT... THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

NO, MR. GRANT, YOU CERTAINLY
DON'T OWE ME AN EXPLANATION.

I WANT TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU. NO, NO.
EVERYBODY HAS HIS OWN TASTE, MR. GRANT.

IT'S... MARY, YOU'RE
GETTING THAT VOICE.

THAT CHALK-ON-A-BLACKBOARD VOICE. I
DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU GET THAT VOICE.

WELL, I... I'M SURE I DON'T KNOW
WHAT VOICE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THERE. THAT'S THE VOICE. YEAH.

WELL, I'LL CERTAINLY TRY TO
WATCH THAT VOICE IN THE FUTURE.

MARY, YOU'RE LETTING
YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS...

GET IN THE WAY OF A
PURELY BUSINESS DECISION.

THERE'S NOTHING PERSONAL HERE,
AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE MAD.

YOU'RE RIGHT. BUT YOU'RE MAD.

ALL RIGHT, MR. GRANT. I WILL
NOT BE MAD AT YOU ANYMORE.

MARY, I DON'T ENJOY SAYING "NO"
TO SOMEBODY, BUT THAT'S MY JOB,

AND IT'S ESPECIALLY UNPLEASANT FOR ME
TO SAY "NO" TO SOMEONE AS NICE AS WES.

OKAY. WHEN DO YOU
WANT TO BREAK IT TO HIM?

UH... I THINK YOU'D
BETTER HANDLE THAT.

[Rhoda] OH, MARY.

YOU GOT A GREAT
DINNER WORKIN' THERE.

RACK OF LAMB, FRESH ASPARAGUS,
CHOCOLATE MOUSSE FOR DESSERT.

WELL, I FIGURED IT'S THE
LEAST I CAN DO FOR HIM.

GONNA GIVE WES THE
BAD NEWS TONIGHT, HUH?

YEAH. GEE, I WISH THERE WAS
SOME NICE WAY TO BREAK IT TO HIM.

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S EVERYTHING.

OH, EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE
SCOTCH. I FORGOT TO BUY SCOTCH.

OH, MARY, YOU BETTER
GET SOME SCOTCH.

IT'S HARD FOR A GUY TO DROWN
HIS SORROWS IN FRESH ASPARAGUS.

PHYLLIS USUALLY HAS SOME SCOTCH.
I'LL SEE IF I CAN BORROW SOME FROM HER.

HEY, RHODA, WOULD YOU STICK AROUND
FOR A FEW MINUTES IN CASE WES SHOWS UP?

- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- SURE.

- HI.
- AH. WES.

RHODA. YEAH.

I RAN INTO MARY ON THE STAIRS. SHE
SAID YOU'D ENTERTAIN ME TILL SHE GOT BACK.

OKAY. WHAT DO YOU LIKE...
TAP-DANCING OR BIRD CALLS?

HEY!

LOOKS LIKE, UH... LOOKS LIKE SOME
KIND OF CELEBRATION, DOESN'T IT?

YEAH, I-IT DOES LOOK
LIKE THAT, DOESN'T IT?

- I GOT THE JOB, DIDN'T I?
- [Chuckles]

WES, I THINK MARY SHOULD
BE THE ONE TO TELL YOU.

OH, COME ON. YOU CAN
TELL ME. NO. NO, REALLY.

I-I DON'T THINK I SHOULD. UH-UH.

LISTEN, RHODA, I PROMISE TO ACT SURPRISED
WHEN MARY TELLS ME. PLEASE TELL ME.

REALLY, WES, I WOULD
RATHER NOT, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

SHE TOLD YOU, RIGHT?
YEAH. SHE TOLD ME.

WELL, THEN YOU CAN TELL ME.
NO, REALLY, WES. I CAN'T TELL YOU.

OKAY?

OKAY.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A...
A NEIGHBOR HERE OF MARY'S?

OH, TWO YEARS NOW. I INITIALLY
WANTED... RHODA, PLEASE TELL ME!

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY...

YOU DIDN'T GET IT. APPRECIATE
IT... DIDN'T, UH... HUH?

YOU DIDN'T GET IT. I DIDN'T?

NO. DIDN'T GET IT.

RIGHT. MAY... MAYBE
YOU HEARD WRONG.

UM, GEE, WES, I DON'T THINK SO.

WELL, THAT'S THE
WAY IT GOES, I GUESS.

IT'S CERTAINLY NOT THE
FIRST TIME I EVER LOST A JOB.

RIGHT. I GUESS IT
WON'T BE THE LAST.

DOGGONE IT! I DIDN'T GET IT!

I DIDN'T GET IT!
THAT'S GOOD, WES.

OH, NUTS! COME ON, WALK IT
OFF. WALK IT OFF. YEAH. GOOD.

HI, MOM. I DIDN'T GET IT.

HEY, WES? DON'T FORGET
TO ACT SURPRISED.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PHYLLIS?

SHE WOULDN'T LEND ME A
WHOLE BOTTLE OF SCOTCH.

SHE HAD TO POUR IT
INTO A MAYONNAISE JAR.

WHERE'S WES?
HE'S IN THE KITCHEN.

OH. WELL, LISTEN, UH, YOU
BETTER GET GOING NOW.

I MEAN, I DO HAVE
TO TELL HIM. RIGHT.

OH, I DIDN'T GET IT!

- RHODA!
- I ONLY GAVE HIM A HINT.

I... I DIDN'T GET IT, DID I?

NO.

AH, CERTAINLY NOT THE
FIRST TIME I EVER LOST A JOB.

DOGGONE IT! I DIDN'T GET IT!

AND I GUESS IT
WON'T BE THE LAST.

HI, WES. HI, MURR.

[Mary] HIYA. HI.

- READY FOR LUNCH?
- YEAH, IN ABOUT TWO MINUTES.

SAY... WES! HIYA, LOU.

GOOD TO SEE YOU. HOW
YOU BEEN? GOOD, THANK YOU.

- NICE TO SEE YOU.
- OH, YOU LOOK GREAT.

- WELL, YOU... THANK YOU.
- DOESN'T HE LOOK GREAT, MARY?

YES, MR. GRANT. HE
CERTAINLY DOES. YEAH.

[Lou] SO WHAT'S NEW? HI, WES.

- OH, HI, TED.
- I SAW YOUR AUDITION.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND A LITTLE
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM FROM AN OLD PRO.

NOT AT ALL, TED.
WHAT'D YOU THINK?

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA MAKE IT ON
TELEVISION WITH THAT KIND OF DUMB STUFF.

YEAH, WES, YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO
TED WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT DUMB STUFF.

IT'S HIS SPECIALTY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YEAH, I...

WELL, UH, I GUESS IT ALL WORKED
OUT FOR THE BEST ANYWAY.

I FINALLY GOT A JOB THIS MORNING DOING
SOMETHING I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO.

OH, WES, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

I OPEN FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE
MELODY LOUNGE AS A COMIC.

CONGRATULATIONS! OH! MWAH!

MARY. IT'S JUST
SORT OF A TRYOUT.

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
BE JUST GREAT. SO DO I.

WELL, MAYBE SO, BUT I'M
GONNA NEED SOME LAUGHERS.

SO, MURRAY, LOU, I'D LIKE FOR
YOU TO BE MARY AND MY GUESTS.

NOT A BAD DEAL... FREE
DRINKS AND DINNER,

AND ALL I ASK IS YOU LAUGH
VERY HARD AT EVERYTHING I SAY.

- YOU'RE ON.
- [Forced Laughing]

[Wes] SEE YOU THEN. OKAY?

[Laughing Continues]

OH, TED, UH, YOU'RE WELCOME TO
JOIN US IF YOU'RE NOT BUSY FRIDAY.

OH, THANKS. I'LL
SEE IF I CAN MAKE IT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US IT WAS
A BOWLING ALLEY? I DIDN'T KNOW.

TOO BAD. IF I'D KNOWN, I
WOULD HAVE BROUGHT MY BALL.

YOU CAN BRING US SOME
DRINKS, WHEN YOU'RE READY.

NOT A VERY BIG CROWD, IS IT?

WELL, IT'S EARLY YET. IT'LL FILL
UP AS SOON AS THE SHOW STARTS.

DON'T YOU THINK, MR. GRANT?

YEAH. IT LOOKED LIKE THE SIX AND
SEVEN LANES WERE ABOUT FINISHED.

HERE COME SOME PEOPLE NOW.

I TOLD YOU, MADAM... I
DON'T CARE WHERE YOU SIT.

I DON'T WORK HERE.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS
GOING TO BE A BOWLING ALLEY.

TED, WHY DID YOU
WEAR A TUXEDO ANYWAY?

WELL, IT'S OPENING
NIGHT, ISN'T IT?

I WANT TO LOOK NICE WHEN HE
INTRODUCES ME FROM THE AUDIENCE.

OH, LOOK. THE SHOW'S STARTING.

[Blows] [Bowling Pins Falling]

GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THE MELODY LOUNGE OF
THE MIDTOWN BOWLING LANES,

BRUNO D'ANGELO, GENERAL MANAGER,

OPERATING 24 HOURS A DAY,

IS PROUD TO PRESENT A
RISING NEW COMEDIAN...

WES CALLISON.

[Applause Continues] THANK
YOU. NICE TO SEE YOU ALL HERE.

A LOT OF YOU ARE PROBABLY
WONDERING WHO I AM,

SO I THOUGHT I'D TELL
YOU A BIT ABOUT MYSELF.

I COME FROM A LITTLE
TOWN IN KANSAS.

TO SHOW YOU THE
KIND OF TOWN IT IS,

THEY DIDN'T HAVE A MOVIE CAMERA IN
THE BANK TO TAKE PICTURES OF A ROBBER.

THEY HAD AN OLD MAN AT THE
BACK DOING CHARCOAL SKETCHES.

I DON'T GET IT.

THEN, UH, I, UH...

I-I LEFT, UH, KANSAS TO GO TO NEW
YORK TO BE... TO BECOME A WRITER.

[Laughing] THAT'S
NOT A JOKE, TED.

AND THEN AS A... AS A WRITER,

I, UH... I GOT, UH,
MY FIRST JOB.

IT WAS ON THE TELEVISION
SHOW PASSWORD.

UH... SO, UH...

AND NOW, WITH YOUR PERMISSION,

I'D LIKE TO DO SOME OF THE MORE FAMOUS
WORDS I WROTE WHILE ON THAT SHOW.

UH, REMEMBER "BROCCOLI"?

HOW 'BOUT "BOXCAR"?

BRINGS BACK THE OLD
MEMORIES, DOESN'T IT?

"DROOPY." "ZENITH."

AND-AND THE EVER
POPULAR "NOODLE."

[Laughs]

BY THE WAY, IF ANY OF
YOU REMEMBER ANY OF

THESE WORDS AND WANNA
SAY 'EM ALONG WITH ME,

DON'T BE AFRAID TO.

THEN I WROTE "CUPCAKE," "LIPS,"

AND MY FAVORITE... I CERTAINLY
HOPE ONE OF YOURS... HUH?

IS THERE ANYBODY HERE
WITH A GREEN STATION WAGON...

WITH LICENSE PLATES 9AD 732?

YOUR... YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON.

[Pins Falling] WELL,
LET'S SEE. WHERE WAS I?

UH... OH, YEAH, MY
FAVORITE ONE WAS "YOYO."

[Chuckling] [Forced Laugh]

AND THEN... THEN
LATER ON, I WAS, UH...

I WAS FIRED FROM
PASSWORD BY ALLEN LUDDEN...

WHEN I USED THE WORD
"XYLOPHONE" IN THE LIGHTNING ROUND.

[Nervous Chuckling]

THE LIGHTNING ROUND,
SO YOU GO REAL FAST,

AND I GUESS THAT
WORD "XYLOPHONE"...

THEN I GOT MY NEXT JOB,
WHICH WAS ON SESAME STREET.

I WROTE THE FIRST THREE
SHOWS... "A," "B" AND "C."

MARY.

MR. GRANT, YOU
CAN'T COME IN HERE.

I KNOW.

MR. GRANT, THIS IS THE
LADIES' ROOM. I DON'T CARE.

BUT YOU CAN'T STAY HERE.
ARE YOU GONNA BE ALL RIGHT?

YES, I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

[Sobbing] OH, MR... GRANT!

DON'T CRY. DON'T CRY, MARY.

[Sobs] THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. THAT POOR WES.

TELLING ALL THOSE
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL JOKES...

TO THOSE BOWLERS.

YOU... YOU CAN'T JUDGE
ALL BOWLERS BY A FEW.

I KNOW. I KNOW. THERE ARE GOOD
BOWLERS, AND THERE ARE BAD BOWLERS.

YEAH. MARY, YOU CAN'T
LET WES SEE YOU LIKE THIS.

[Gasping]

NOT NOW!

THIS WAS SUCH AN
IMPORTANT NIGHT TO WES.

HE WAS COUNTING ON IT SO MUCH.

MM-HMM. AND I DON'T
HAVE A HANDKERCHIEF!

[Crying]

[Blows]

THAT'S A GIRL. YES.

YES.

MARY,

I WAS TALKING TO CHUCKLES
TODAY, AND HE SAID

WES CAN HAVE HIS OLD
JOB BACK IF HE WANTS IT.

HE CAN? YEAH.

HE'S HAD FIVE WRITERS SINCE WES
LEFT, AND HE'S FIRED EVERY ONE.

THE LAST ONE WAS HIS DAD.

I SAID NOT NOW!

I'LL BE ALL RIGHT NOW. GOOD.

AND THANK YOU, MR. GRANT.
OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU CAN COME IN NOW. COME ON.

I FIXED 'EM.

AND DID YOU EVER WONDER, IF PAUL REVERE
HAD BEEN ENGLISH INSTEAD OF AMERICAN,

WOULD HE HAVE RUN AROUND TOWN YELLING,
"GO BACK TO SLEEP! GO BACK TO SLEEP!"

[Chuckling]

DID YOU EVER THINK IF A
HORSE HAD A SORE LEG,

SIT DOWN. HE ISN'T FINISHED.
THEY'D CALL IT A "CHARLIE PERSON"?

[Continues, Indistinct]

WELL, I... I APPRECIATE YOU
ALL BEING SUCH A NICE AUDIENCE.

I HOPE YOU PICK UP
ALL YOUR SPARES.

GOOD NIGHT.

I DID... DID HAVE THIS ONE
ROUTINE I WAS GONNA DO...

ABOUT THE WORLD'S
FIRST UNDERTAKER,

BUT, I, UH... MAYBE I'LL DO THAT
FOR YOU ON THE SECOND SHOW.

THANK YOU.

[Sighs]

DIDN'T EVEN INTRODUCE
ME FROM THE AUDIENCE.

TED, UH, WHAT DO YOU
SAY YOU AND I GO OUT...

AND SEE IF WE CAN FIND A PAIR OF
PATENT-LEATHER BOWLING PUMPS?

SEE YOU TOMORROW. PUT ON A TUXEDO, AND
HE DIDN'T INTRODUCE ME FROM THE AUDIENCE.

MURRAY, I THINK I'M GOING
TO JOIN YOU. OKAY, RHODA.

LISTEN, KID. WE'LL
TALK LATER, HUH?

I OUGHTA MAKE HIM PAY FOR
THE RENTAL OF THIS TUXEDO.

YOU GONNA BE
OKAY? OH, YEAH, SURE.

WELL, MARY,

UH,

YOU WANNA COME WATCH
US BOWL A COUPLE OF GAMES?

NO, THANK YOU, MR. GRANT.
I'LL JUST WAIT HERE FOR WES.

YEAH. SURE. THAT'S GOOD.

ALL RIGHT.

SO, WES!

YOU WERE JUST... ROTTEN.

MARY, I WAS ROTTEN,
ROTTEN, ROTTEN.

WES, YOU WERE NOT ROTTEN.

UH, CHUCKLES CALLED ME THIS MORNING
AND SAID I COULD HAVE MY OLD JOB BACK.

WELL, IT WON'T
BE... SO BAD, WILL IT?

I GUESS NOT.

MARY, WILL YOU MARRY ME? WHAT?

I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING TO PEP UP MY EVENING.

WES, LOOK, I KNOW... I KNOW...

NOBODY LAUGHED, MARY.

I LAUGHED. YOU CRIED.

ALL RIGHT. WES,
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.

YOU ALWAYS SAID YOU
WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN,

AND TONIGHT YOU
GOT A CHANCE TO BE IT.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO
GO THROUGH LIFE WANTING TO DO SOMETHING...

AND NEVER GETTING
A CHANCE TO DO IT.

RIGHT! BOY, ARE THEY LUCKY.

WE WERE SO POOR MY PARENTS
COULDN'T AFFORD BABY SHOES,

SO LATER ON THEY
HAD MY FEET BRONZED.

THEY COULDN'T EVEN
AFFORD TO HAVE MY TONSILS

TAKEN OUT, SO THEY
JUST HAD THEM LOOSENED.

- OH, NO!
- YOU'RE JUST LAUGHING
TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD.

- NO, I AM NOT.
- HOW DO I KNOW
THAT'S A REAL LAUGH?

[Chuckles] BECAUSE MY
PHONY LAUGH IS LOUSY.

- LET'S HEAR YOUR PHONY LAUGH.
- [Fake Laughing]

[Laughs] YOU REALLY
LIKED IT, HUH?

YES, I DID.

WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT
FOR OUR SECOND SHOW,

AND YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A NICE
AUDIENCE, I THINK I'LL TAKE YOU HOME NOW.

DID YOU REALLY THINK I
WAS FUNNY? YES, I DID.

NO KIDDING. SERIOUSLY, YOU REALLY
THINK I WAS FUNNY? YOU WERE FUNNY!

YOU WERE REALLY
LAUGHING? YES, I WAS!

[Mews]