Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 3, Episode 23 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

The Teddy Awards are upcoming, and Mary is nominated. Beyond the nomination, Mary doesn't seem to be having a very good time for the few days leading up to the awards ceremony as she runs into a string of bad luck. By the time the awards ceremony arrives, she's in no shape to attend. Despite the continuing trouble she has even getting ready for the ceremony, she decides to attend anyway. In her rough shape (and looking like she is in rough shape), will she want to win to let all the important people in the Twin Cities media see her?

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♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

MURRAY. THANKS, MAR.

AH! OH, LOOK AT THAT!
THERE'S A CRACK IN THE CUP.



NOW I'VE GOT COFFEE ALL
OVER MY BRAND-NEW SWEATER.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO
TO LUNCH WITH A BIG STAIN.

YEAH, WELL, COLD
WATER TAKES IT OUT.

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

AH, TERRIFIC. IT'S EMPTY. HA-HA.

IT'S BEEN A WONDERFUL
MORNING. IT'S ONLY FIVE AFTER 9:00.

HI, GUYS. GET ME A CUP
OF COFFEE, WILL YOU, MAR?

OH, UH, HERE, TED.

OH. MARY DOESN'T WANT HERS.

THANKS.

[Sighs] OH, THERE'S
NOT ENOUGH SUGAR.

[Phone Ringing]

NEWSROOM. OH, HI, DAN.

I WAS GONNA CALL YOU IN
A WHILE AND REMIND YOU



ABOUT THE TEDDY AWARDS
BANQUET ON SATURDAY.

YEAH, DAN, I TOLD YOU
ABOUT IT THREE WEEKS AGO.

YOU KNOW, THE TELEVISION
EDITORS AWARDS DINNER.

WHAT BASKETBALL GAME?

NO, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
ABOUT IT THREE WEEKS AGO.

NO, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS THREE
WEEKS AGO. YEAH, YEAH, SURE. I'LL HOLD.

[Sighs] UH, TED,
I'M ON THAT LINE.

OH, I DIDN'T SEE
WHICH LIGHT WAS LIT.

I THINK I PUT MY CONTACT LENS
IN THE WRONG EYES THIS MORNING.

- SO, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
- DAN.

CAN'T HEAR HIS VOICE.

I'M ON HOLD, TED.

OH. HOLD IS LONELY,
ISN'T IT, MAR?

YOU KNOW, I NEVER LIKED HOLD.

ALTHOUGH IF I HAD A CHOICE BETWEEN
HOLD AND HANG UP, I'D GO WITH HOLD.

TED, DO YOU MIND?
OH, SURE. I'M SORRY.

JUST KEEPING YOU COMPANY. DIDN'T
KNOW YOU WANTED TO BE ALONE.

YEAH. HI, DAN... HI,
DAN! TED. [Laughs]

HEY, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF
THAT GAME LAST NIGHT? TED!

OH, LISTEN, I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO
KIDS ALONE NOW. SEE YOU, DAN.

BYE, TED.

YEAH, DAN, I'M NOMINATED.

NO, I'M NOT GONNA WIN, BUT,
YEAH, I HAVE TO GO ANYWAY.

I'D LOOK LIKE A BAD SPORT IF I DON'T SHOW
UP, AND I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW UP WITH YOU.

MARY, WOULD YOU COME HERE.

LISTEN, DAN, I HAVE TO
GO. I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

OKAY, BYE. YES, SIR?

REMEMBER THE OBSOLETE CLIPPINGS
FILE I ASKED YOU TO THROW OUT LAST WEEK?

YES. YOU DIDN'T THROW
OUT THE OBSOLETE FILE.

YOU THREW OUT THE FILE
NEXT TO IT... THE OBITUARIES.

N-NO. NO, I DIDN'T DO THAT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

FIND IT YET?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO IF
SOME PROMINENT PERSON DIES?

NO. NO, CHANGE THAT. THERE IS
NO IF, 'CAUSE THEY'RE GONNA DIE.

WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE ONE THING
TO SAY EXCEPT MAYBE "SO LONG."

MR. GRANT, I'M JUST... SORRY.

MM-HMM. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT ELSE TO SAY.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WRITE UP EVERY ONE
OF THE OBITUARIES THAT WAS IN THAT FILE.

OH, YES, OF COURSE I WILL.
TAKE YOUR TIME TO WRITE 'EM.

OH, GEE, THANKS, MR. GRANT.

I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

I MEAN TAKE YOUR TIME, NOT MINE.

YOUR LUNCH HOURS, YOUR
EVENINGS, YOUR WEEKENDS.

BOY, I'M GOING TO BE WRITING
OBITUARIES FOR WEEKS.

START WITH "A" AND HOPE
THAT THEY DIE ALPHABETICALLY.

[Phone Ringing]

HELLO? HELLO?

AH, DOGGONE IT!

[Rhoda] HELLO? MAR?

HI. HEY, WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY
MUGGED BETTY CROCKER.

THAT CHECKER AT REGISTER THREE
DOESN'T BELIEVE IN DOUBLE-BAGGING ANYTHING.

HI, MARY. I'LL GIVE
YOU A HAND. HI, JONAS.

RHODA, DID YOU EVER
HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS?

YEAH. MOSTLY.

WELL, TODAY I HAD
THREE OF THOSE DAYS.

IT STARTED WHEN I GOT TO WORK
LATE BECAUSE THE ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF,

AND THEN I GOT A
FLAT TIRE ON THE WAY...

MARY, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. ONE DAY
I HAD TWO FLATS, BOTH ON THE SAME DAY.

RHODA, DO YOU MIND? WOULD YOU GIVE SOMEBODY
ELSE A CHANCE TO BE THE MOST MISERABLE?

I MEAN, JUST ONCE IN A WHILE.

WELL, MARY RICHARDS, I DID NOT
REALIZE THE TITLE MEANT SO MUCH TO YOU.

OKAY, YOU CAN BE
THE MOST MISERABLE.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I HAD A FLAT ONCE.

IT WAS IN, UH, JUNE.

WELL, IT WASN'T REALLY A FLAT. MY
LEFT FRONT TIRE WAS JUST KINDA LOW.

HEY, LISTEN, I'M... I'M SORRY.

ME TOO. LISTEN, KID,
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

OH, WELL, DAN FORGOT ALL ABOUT
THE AWARDS BANQUET ON SATURDAY.

NOW I HAVE NO DATE.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

UH, EAT SOME CANDY.

RHODA, CHOCOLATE SOLVES NOTHING.

NO, NO, COTTAGE CHEESE SOLVES
NOTHING. CHOCOLATE CAN DO IT ALL.

MARY, LISTEN. YOU CAN
HAVE JONAS SATURDAY NIGHT.

OH, COME ON.

OH, WELL, SURE,
MARY. I'D BE HAPPY TO.

REALLY, THANK YOU, BUT I'LL
FIND SOMEBODY FOR MYSELF.

IF WORSE COMES TO WORST, TED
SAYS HE KNOWS A GREAT GUY FOR ME.

TED? WELL, COME ON. HE'S
GOTTA KNOW SOME NICE PEOPLE.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

MARY, WHY DON'T YOU
COME WITH US TONIGHT?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
DINNER AND THEN GO TO A

MIDNIGHT MOVIE MARATHON
OVER AT THE UNIVERSITY.

YEAH, THEY'RE SHOWING THREE
HUMPHREY BOGART MOVIES IN A ROW,

ALL OF THEM THE MALTESE FALCON.

WELL, SOUNDS LIKE FUN,

BUT I THINK I'LL JUST STAY HOME
AND WRITE SOME OBITUARIES.

OH, MURRAY, IT'S JUST THAT I AM
SO SICK OF WRITING OBITUARIES.

I'VE WANTED TO END
THE LAST FIVE WITH...

[Stammering]
"THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!"

UH, SAY, MARY? HMM?

YOUR, UH, HAIR.

IT'S SORT OF, UH,
STICKING UP FUNNY.

THAT'S FUNNY.

I NEVER USED TO
GET THINGS LIKE THAT.

WHY WON'T IT GO DOWN?

I MUST HAVE SLEPT ON IT FUNNY.

WELL, THAT'S THE CRAZIEST
THING THE WAY IT WON'T GO DOWN.

PROBABLY NOBODY'LL
NOTICE IT. I DIDN'T.

OH, HI, GUYS. SAY, MURR, THEY
WAXED THE FLOORS OUT HERE.

YOU SORT OF SKATE
UP. [Laughs] FUN.

SAY, MARY, YOUR
HAIR LOOKS ALL BUMPY.

THANK YOU, TED. I KNOW.

LISTEN, MAR, DO YOU
WANT ME TO FIX YOU UP WITH

THAT NEATO BLIND DATE
FOR THE TEDDY AWARDS?

OH, GOSH, I DON'T KNOW. THIS GUY IS A
GOOD-LOOKING VERSION OF ROBERT REDFORD.

EXCUSE ME. I'VE GOTTA
GO FIX MY HAIR BUMP.

OH, WILL YOU TAKE THIS FILM TO
THE CUTTING ROOM ON YOUR WAY.

HE'S A TERRIFIC GUY. HANDSOME,
INTELLIGENT, BETTER-THAN-AVERAGE BOWLER.

[Clattering] [Mary Screams]

UH, UH, UH...

I'D, UH, PICK YOU UP MYSELF BUT MY
BACK IS IN BAD SHAPE. WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, IT WENT OUT IN POSTURE EXERCISES
WHEN I WENT TO BROADCAST SCHOOL.

- NOT TO YOU. MARY.
- UH, I SLIPPED.

I JUST... I SLIPPED.
LISTEN, I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

REALLY, I CAN STAND UP NOW.

ARE YOU SURE? YEAH, I'M SURE.

IT'S JUST KIND OF A
SHOCK TO FALL THAT WAY.

I'LL BE FINE, REALLY.
I CAN... I'LL BE FINE.

WELL, OKAY. I'M NOT FINE!

NO! NO! [Wailing]
DON'T-DON'T... DON'T WORRY.

DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL BE OKAY. YOU'LL
BE OKAY. I'M GONNA PUT YOU OVER HERE.

[Whimpering]

DON'T WORRY. DON'T WORRY.
DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL BE OKAY.

UH... UH...

BUT FIRST WE HAVE
TO GET YOU X-RAYED.

ALL WE CAN DO AROUND
HERE IS GET YOU XEROXED.

[Phone Ringing]

NEWSROOM. MARY,
IT'S FOR YOU. DAN.

OH, I HAVE TO TALK
TO HIM. [Groans]

HI, DAN. NO, IT...

NO, DAN, IT WOULD NOT BE
GREAT TO MEET YOU AT HALFTIME.

BECAUSE, DAN, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO
A BASKETBALL GAME WEARING A FORMAL.

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHY, DAN.

IT'S JUST A SORT OF A
FUNNY FEMALE QUIRK OF MINE.

MARY? DAN?

DA...

MR. GRANT, WOULD YOU LOWER ME,
PLEASE? I WANT TO HANG UP ON SOMEONE.

OH, OKAY. NOW I'M GONNA
TAKE YOU TO THE DOCTOR.

MY PURSE! I'LL GET IT.

THANK YOU.

[Wailing]

[Crying]

[Sniffs, Coughs]

[Nasal Voice] HELLO. JERRY?
HI. IT'S MARY RICHARDS.

YES, I KNOW. IT'S BEEN
A LONG TIME, HASN'T IT?

LISTEN, JERRY, I HAVE TO GO TO
A BANQUET ON SATURDAY NIGHT,

AND I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU'D LIKE TO GO WITH ME.

YEAH, YOU CAN TELL ME
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO.

OH, REALLY? WELL,
CONGRATULATIONS.

WHEN-WHEN DID YOU GET MARRIED?

[Coughs] WELL, I GUESS
YOU CAN'T GO WITH ME...

TO THE BANQUET THEN ON SATURDAY.

YOU CAN?

WELL, I CAN'T. GOOD-BYE, JERRY.

[Coughing]

- [Knocking]
- HI.

- [Coughing]
- DON'T BLOW YOUR NOSE ON THAT.

USE SOMETHING
SOFTER, LIKE NEWSPAPER.

MARY, ARE YOU LIMPING? YES.

I SPRAINED MY FOOT GOING TO THE
LADIES' ROOM TO FIX MY HAIR BUMP.

OH. HOW'D YOU GET THAT COLD?

SOAKING MY SPRAINED FOOT.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I HAVE
SWOLLEN GLANDS. YEAH?

WHAT DO SWOLLEN
GLANDS FEEL LIKE?

MARY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
REGULAR GLANDS FEEL LIKE.

I'M GOING TO TAKE
MY TEMPERATURE.

MARY, I HAVE SENSATIONAL NEWS.

JONAS IS GOING TO MEXICO
TO LECTURE AT A UNIVERSITY,

AND HE CAN TAKE ME
IF HE SAYS I'M HIS WIFE.

BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I'M SERIOUS ENOUGH
ABOUT HIM YET TO GO TO MEXICO WITH HIM,

SO I'M GONNA TURN
BACK AT EL PASO.

I'M SORRY YOU'RE SO DOWN, KID.

[Mumbling] I'M NOT SO
DOWN. HUH? WHAT?

I'M NOT SO DOWN.
OH, YEAH, YOU ARE.

I MEAN, ADMIT IT, MARY.
SUDDENLY YOUR LIFE GOT CRUMMY.

SO... IT'LL GET
BETTER. IT HAS TO.

YOU'RE NOT THE CRUMMY LIFE TYPE.

- HUH.
- TRULY YOU AREN'T.

I AM THE CRUMMY LIFE TYPE.
YOU'RE JUST ON A LOUSY STREAK.

I HAPPEN TO BE ON
A TERRIFIC STREAK.

- BUT SOON THINGS WILL BE
BACK TO NORMAL AGAIN.
- HMM.

TOMORROW YOU'LL MEET A
CROWNED HEAD OF EUROPE AND MARRY.

I WILL HAVE A FAT ATTACK, EAT...

EAT 300 PEANUT
BUTTER CUPS AND DIE.

THAT'S THE WAY IT ALWAYS IS.

98.7!

98.7 IS PRACTICALLY NORMAL.

RHODA, I'M RUNNING A FEVER.

I DESERVE BETTER THAN 98.7.

I'M SICK, AND I
CAN'T EVEN PROVE IT.

OKAY, MAR. RUN YOUR FEVER.
IT'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO DO.

PLEASE, WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT,
REMEMBER WHAT MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAYS:

"THERE ARE MILLIONS
OF CHILDREN IN EUROPE...

"WHO WOULD BE THRILLED TO
SIT AROUND AND HAVE THE FLU...

IN A GORGEOUS ROOM LIKE THIS."

YOU'LL FEEL BETTER
TOMORROW. I'M TELLING YOU.

NO, I WON'T. COLDS ARE
THREE DAYS COMING,

THREE DAYS WITH YOU
AND THREE DAYS GOING.

ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY,
AND IT ALWAYS WILL. [Coughing]

HELLO, TED. IT'S MARY.

MARY RICHARDS.

LISTEN, TED, I THINK I'M
GONNA TAKE YOU UP...

ON THAT ROBERT REDFORD GUY YOU
HAVE FOR ME FOR SATURDAY NIGHT.

GREAT. WHY DON'T YOU ASK
HIM TO PICK ME UP AROUND 8:00.

OH, LISTEN. UH, WHAT...
WHAT'S HIS NAME?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, APRIL FOOL?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT'S YOU?

LOOK AT THAT STAIN.

PERSPIRATION SOMETIMES
WILL CAUSE THAT.

THIS IS TERRIBLE. YOU
ARE A TERRIBLE CLEANERS.

I KNOW. NO, I MEAN
IT. YOU REALLY ARE.

WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVE
FREE PICKUP AND DELIVERY?

LOOK, MAYBE YOU CAN CUT IT
OFF HERE AND WEAR IT TO WORK.

ALL RIGHT. THAT DOES IT.

I AM CALLING UP
MITCHELL'S CLEANERS.

I AM GOING TO SPEAK TO THE OWNER AND
FIND OUT WHAT HE INTENDS TO DO ABOUT THIS.

MAY I HAVE THAT NUMBER, PLEASE?

555-7289.

THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. YOU'RE WELCOME.

HELLO. THIS IS MARY RICHARDS.

MAY I PLEASE SPEAK TO THE OWNER?

HE IS? UH-HUH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MR. MITCHELL, WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS DRESS?

IT'S PRACTICALLY BRAND-NEW.
I ONLY WORE IT TWICE.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
YOU WANT THE TRUTH?

I ONLY WORE IT ONCE, BUT I DIDN'T
THINK YOU WOULD BELIEVE ME.

GOOD THINKING.

SO NOW, ON TOP OF EVERYTHING
ELSE THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME,

MY DRESS IS RUINED TOO.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T USUALLY GET
THIS WAY IN FRONT OF THE CLEANERS.

[Phone Ringing]

HELLO? HELLO?

TALK.

ARE YOU SHY? IS
THIS A SHY PERSON?

I'LL TALK FIRST. IT'LL
PUT YOU AT EASE.

HI. HOW ARE YOU.
I'M RHODA. [Knocking]

RHODA? YEAH? MARY? COMING.

UH, DON'T GO AWAY,
SHY LITTLE PERSON.

HOW ARE YOU? COME ON IN. I'M
ON THE PHONE, I THINK. [Coughing]

THE OTHER PERSON ON THE OTHER
END ISN'T TALKING. NO, RHODA. THAT'S ME.

I DROPPED MY PHONE IN MY FOOT
WATER, AND I WAS AFRAID TO TAKE IT OUT.

RHODA, IF YOU DON'T LEND ME
SOMETHING TO WEAR TONIGHT,

I AM GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO THE BANQUET
IN A TOO-BIG BLACK VELVET PANTSUIT...

WITH A PINK FLORAL CUMMERBUND
THAT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A FUNNY WAITER.

[Laughs] SURE, KID. OF COURSE.

MY RACK IS YOUR
RACK. COME. LOOK.

OH, MARY, DO YOURSELF A
FAVOR. SKIP THE BANQUET.

PLEASE. SAVE YOURSELF
A LOT OF AGGRAVATION.

I CAN'T, RHODA. I'M NOMINATED.
ALL RIGHT. HERE. LOOK.

I'VE GOTTA FIND
SOMETHING DRESSY. YEAH.

REMEMBER WHEN ALL WE
NEEDED TO LOOK DRESSY...

WAS A JEWELED CASHMERE
SWEATER AND A CLUTCH BAG?

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THIS?

NOW, THAT... THAT LOOKS COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT OFF THE HANGER.

WORSE.

I GOTTA FIND SOMETHING. YEAH.

WHAT ABOUT... WELL, THAT'S
A FUN FUR THING I BOUGHT.

I BOUGHT IT ON SALE,
AND I NEVER WORE IT.

IT SORT OF MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A CROSS
BETWEEN RAQUEL WELCH AND BEOWULF.

COME ON, RHODA. THINK.
I'M LEAVING IN 20 MINUTES.

LISTEN. SIT DOWN. YOU SIT DOWN. I'M
GONNA FIND YOU SOMETHING VERY FAST.

OH, RHODA, I'M GONNA
BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE...

YOU ALWAYS SEE
WEARING ONE SLIPPER.

I ALWAYS FEEL SORRY FOR THOSE
PEOPLE YOU SEE WEARING ONE SLIPPER.

BETTER HURRY UP, MAR. WE
DON'T WANT TO BE TOO LATE.

I'M WAITING FOR THE NAIL POLISH ON
THE RUN IN MY STOCKING TO DRY, TED.

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE LATE
IS GOOD. NOT TOO LATE.

BUT A LITTLE LATE MAKES
A GOOD APPEARANCE.

HOW DOES NINE MINUTES
SIT WITH YOU, MAR?

JUST FINE, TED.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, MAR.

NOW HURRY AND GET READY, OR
WE'LL BE OVER OUR NINE MINUTES.

I'M SORRY, TED,
BUT THIS IS READY.

WHO PUT YOU UP TO
THIS, MAR? WAS IT MURRAY?

- IT'S A LONG, LONG STORY.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOUR HAIR?

MY HAIR DRYER BROKE.

BOY, IF I'D HAVE KNOWN THIS WAS
GONNA HAPPEN, I'D HAVE TAKEN MY MOTHER.

SHE'S GOT A DRESS
JUST LIKE THAT.

SHE BEGGED ME TO
LET HER COME TOO.

AT LEAST THEN PEOPLE COULD HAVE
SAID, "LOOK AT THE WONDERFUL SON."

- BUT NOW...
- TED, DO YOU WANT TO GO IN SEPARATE CARS?

THAT'S FINE WITH ME. I DON'T
MIND GOING IN SEPARATE CARS.

NO, IT'LL BE HARD ENOUGH
TO PARK ONE CAR IN THIS RAIN.

RAIN? IT'S RAINING?

YEAH. STARTED ABOUT
FIVE MINUTES AGO.

AND I LEFT MY
UMBRELLA AT THE OFFICE.

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU WANT
TO SHARE YOUR UMBRELLA, TED?

OH, SURE, MAR.

BUT, UH, JUST SO YOU
STAY UNDER YOUR THIRD.

I'VE GOT ON A NEW TUXEDO, AND
MY APPEARANCE IS IMPORTANT TO ME,

AND THEY'LL BE TAKING PICTURES OF
ME, AND I MAY HAVE TO GO UP THERE...

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, TED.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS APPROPRIATE
THAT I SHOULD BE RAINED ON.

[Sneezes]

AND THE WINNER IN
CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING:

MR. SATURDAY MORNING
HIMSELF, BOBO CAPRIOLE.

[Bobo] YOU DO NOT DO A
SUCCESSFUL KIDS' SHOW BY YOURSELF.

WHAT'S THAT SQUISHING, MARY?

I GOT MY SLIPPER WET WHEN
I STEPPED IN THAT PUDDLE.

OH, GOOD. WE'RE NOT TOO LATE.
THEY'RE ONLY UP TO THE CLOWNS.

[Emcee] AND NOW JOYCE
AND THE TRIO WILL PLAY...

THIS YEAR'S AWARD-WINNING
LOCAL THEME SONG.

♪♪ [Instrumental]
OH, HI THERE, TED.

UH, HI, NORMAN.

I HAD A GREAT-LOOKING DATE, BUT SHE GOT
CALLED AWAY FOR AN EMERGENCY MODELING JOB.

- THIS IS, UH, MY SISTER.
- PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

[Sneezes] THANK YOU.

THERE'S MR. GRANT, TED.

OH, YOU GO AHEAD, SIS.
I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU.

HI, MARY. MARY.

DON'T GET CLOSE TO
ME. I'M CONTAGIOUS.

OH, THAT'S A REAL NICE DRESS.

YOU LOOK LIKE ONE OF
THE ANDREWS SISTERS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO
YOUR REGULAR HAIR?

THIS IS MY REGULAR HAIR.

HI, GUYS. HI, TED.

YOU HAVEN'T MISSED TOO
MUCH. THE TRIPLETS FROM

ST. PAUL TOOK BEST
VARIETY HOUR. THEN BOBO.

THANK YOU, JOYCE. AND
NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WE COME TO A VERY SPECIAL
PART OF OUR PROGRAM:

THE AWARD FOR THE
BEST NEWS PERSONALITY.

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. I
MAY HAVE TO GO UP THERE.

WELL, DO I HAVE TO
SAY IT? THE WINNER IS...

MR. TWIN CITIES
HIMSELF, NORMAN KELLER.

HOW CAN I LOSE TO
HIM? HE'S SO NASAL.

YOU WEREN'T EVEN NOMINATED, TED.

[Norman, Indistinct] I WAS COUNTING
ON A HEAVY WRITE-IN VOTE.

MARY, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR CHEEK?

- WHAT?
- THAT. UNDER YOUR EYE.

[Norman] THANK
YOU AGAIN. [Applause]

MY FALSE EYELASH.

[Emcee] THE NOMINEES IN THE CATEGORY
OF BEST PUBLIC AFFAIRS PROGRAM...

ARE LET'S TALK THE ISSUES,
FRED CLARK, PRODUCER;

THE SUNDAY SHOW, MARY
RICHARDS, PRODUCER;

MINNEAPOLIS MY WAY,
GLORIA MALONE, PRODUCER.

AND THE WINNER IS...

THE SUNDAY SHOW, MARY
RICHARDS, PRODUCER!

[Applause, Cheering]

COME ON. YES, YES. GO
ON. GET ON UP THERE.

MY SLIPPER, MR. GRANT. I TOOK MY
SLIPPER OFF. GO ON. THEY'RE WAITING.

I...

[Sneezes]

THANK YOU.

I USUALLY LOOK SO
MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.

PLEASE BELIEVE ME. I HAVE A MUCH
CUTER DRESS AT THE CLEANERS.

AND MY HAIR...

IT'S JUST THAT
I'VE HAD THIS COLD.

BUT I SHOULDN'T BE TALKING
ABOUT SOMETHING AS SILLY AS...

WHEN YOU GAVE ME
THIS, I JUST... [Coughing]

I'M SORRY. I'M...
I'M JUST SORRY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[Applause] [Mouthing Words]

HEY, I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU.

- THANK YOU.
- YOU KNOW, THEY SPELLED
MARY WRONG.

OH, YEAH, THEY DID.

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU WANNA DANCE
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, DO YOU?

NO, THANK YOU, TED. REALLY, I
THINK I'D JUST AS SOON GO HOME.

OH. I'M SORRY.

THE WINNER WANTS TO GO HOME.

WELL, THE LOSER WANTS TO STAY.

LOST FOUR YEARS IN A ROW TO THAT
NO-TALENT, ROTTEN, NASAL KELLER.

LOOK AT HIM, SITTING OVER THERE
WITH HIS HAIR DYED AND EVERYTHING.

WELL, THAT DOESN'T STOP ME.

ARE WE GOING NOW, TED?
TED, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR
ATTENTION. YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

YOU ALL KNOW ME...
TED BAXTER, WJM-TV.

NOW, I KNOW I DIDN'T
WIN ANYTHING TONIGHT.

BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT BY YOUR GIVING
MARY RICHARDS THE TEDDY AWARD...

WAS YOUR WAY OF
SAYING, "THANKS, TED,

FOR A JOB WELL DONE."

IT ALL STARTED IN A 5,000-WATT
RADIO STATION IN FRESNO, CALIFORNIA.

A $65 PAYCHECK
AND A CRAZY DREAM.

[Stammering] THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!