Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 3, Episode 16 - Mary Tyler Moore - full transcript

During a dinner break in a late working night, Lou takes Mary to his favorite hangout, an Irish bar called McCluskey's. The bar just isn't the same since the death of its owner, McCluskey. Since it's for sale and since Lou mentions that he's always dreamed of owning a bar, Mary convinces him that he should buy it. He's $1,500 short of the $10,000 down payment. He reluctantly accepts the offer of the only person who can make up the difference: Ted. Beyond Ted being a not so silent partner who wants to nickel and dime his way to a fortune, Lou finds that owning a bar isn't what he thought, and it just isn't pulling in the patrons like it used to. Lou quickly learns that what made McCluskey's successful was McCluskey, a real people person. So Lou tries to transform himself into a "McCluskey". But not being a McCluskey by nature, Lou goes slightly overboard.

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♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

OKAY. HOW YOU DOIN', PHILLY?

WELL, THIS IS McCLUSKEY'S.



WOW. IT REALLY IS AN
IRISH BAR, ISN'T IT? UH-HUH.

YOU THINK IT'S CROWDED NOW, YOU
SHOULD'VE SEEN IT BEFORE McCLUSKEY DIED.

- HEY, LOU!
- HEY, PHILLY!

LITTLE HAND
WRESTLING FOR A DRINK?

YOU'RE ON.

OH! PHILLY, ONE OF THESE
DAYS, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU.

IT'S ALL IN KNOWING HOW, LOU.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

HEY, BARTENDER, A SCOTCH
FOR MY FRIEND PHILLY.

THANKS, LOU. AND ONE FOR MYSELF.

MARY? OH, I DON'T THINK SO,
MR. GRANT. I DON'T ARM WRESTLE.

ANYWAY, WE'VE GOT ALL
THAT WORK TO DO TONIGHT.

OH, YEAH. UM, PHILLY?

- HMM?
- THIS IS MARY RICHARDS,
MY ASSOCIATE PRODUCER.



HI. PHILLY IS ONE OF OUR
MORE LEGENDARY HABITUÉS.

I FIGURE, YOU ONLY GO
AROUND ONCE IN LIFE,

SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL
GO AROUND SMASHED.

HERE YOU ARE. NEW
BARTENDER, HUH?

HMM? NO. HE'S ONLY TEMPORARY...

UNTIL McCLUSKEY'S WIDOW
CAN FIND A BUYER FOR THE PLACE.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

I MISSED McCLUSKEY'S WAKE, DIDN'T I?
WE'VE BEEN WORKIN' LATE EVERY NIGHT...

YOU DIDN'T MISS
THE WAKE, LOU. HUH?

THIS IS IT.

- WHERE'S McCLUSKEY?
- IN THE BACK ROOM.

HE'S HERE?

YOU OUGHTA GO BACK
AND SAY HELLO, LOU.

HE LOOKS TERRIFIC.

A PICTURE OF HEALTH.

YOU WANNA GO BACK WITH ME, MARY?

OH, UH, GOSH, MR. GRANT.
I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW HIM.

WELL, IF YOU DON'T
GET TO KNOW HIM NOW,

YOU NEVER WILL.

I'LL GO BACK AFTER DINNER.
LET'S SIT DOWN, MARY.

WHAT'S THE SPECIAL
TONIGHT, PHILLY?

I'M SORRY, LOU. THE
KITCHEN'S CLOSED.

WHAT TIME DID IT
CLOSE? THREE YEARS AGO.

MR. GRANT, WE ONLY HAVE 45 MINUTES.
WE'D BETTER TRY SOMEPLACE ELSE.

OH! DON'T LEAVE. YOU SIT HERE,

AND I'LL FIX SOMETHING UP.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING
TO EAT AROUND HERE.

THANKS, PHILLY.
NICE GUY, PHILLY.

AND STRONG FOR A LITTLE GUY.

HUH? YOU MEAN
THAT ARM WRESTLING?

AW, HE KNOWS I CAN
TAKE HIM AT THAT.

IT'S A LITTLE THING WE GO THROUGH
SO I CAN BUY HIM A FREE DRINK.

- OH.
- ISN'T THIS A GREAT PLACE?

MM-HMM. I'D GIVE ANYTHING
TO OWN A PLACE LIKE THIS.

IT'S A GOLD MINE. WELL, DIDN'T
PHILLY SAY IT WAS FOR SALE?

YEAH. I WONDER HOW
MUCH THEY WANT FOR IT.

NO. IT'S CRAZY.

- WHY IS IT CRAZY?
- OH, ME OWNING A BAR
IS RIDICULOUS.

I DON'T KNOW. IF YOU
WANT SOMETHING IN LIFE,

YOU OUGHTA GO OUT
AND TRY TO GET IT.

WELL, IT'S LIKE PHILLY SAYS: YOU
ONLY GO AROUND ONCE IN LIFE.

MAR! COME ON IN. I GOTTA TELL
YOU SOMETHING. COME ON. OH, BOY.

I WAS UP ALL LAST
NIGHT THINKING ABOUT IT,

AND THIS MORNING I
CALLED McCLUSKEY'S WIDOW.

SHE'S GOT ANOTHER BUYER, BUT
SHE'S WILLING TO SELL THE PLACE TO ME...

FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE
IF I CALL BACK BY 10:00.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? OH,
MR. GRANT, I THINK YOU SHOULD.

AND I ONLY NEED $10,000,

AND I ALMOST HAVE IT RIGHT HERE.

6,000 IN MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT,

2,000 IN EDIE'S SAVINGS ACCOUNT,

AND $500 IN MY
GRANDCHILDREN'S PIGGY BANK.

I'M GIVIN' 'EM A
PIECE OF THE PLACE.

WELL, THEN, UH, WHAT
YOU NEED IS $1,500, RIGHT?

THAT'S ALL. THAT'S ALL.

MARY,

YOU WOULDN'T, BY ANY
CHANCE, HAPPEN TO...

OH, UH, NO, MR. GRANT.

I MEAN, A THRIFTY GIRL LIKE YOU,

I BET YOU HAVE, OH, SAY, $3,000,
$4,000 IN THE OLD BANK ACCOUNT.

NO. A FEW HUNDRED.
HOW MANY HUNDRED?

NOT MANY HUNDRED.
I'LL GET YOU A RAISE.

MR. GRANT, IF I HAD THE MONEY,

I'D BE HAPPY... WE CAN
BORROW ON YOUR INSURANCE.

MURRAY! WHAT IS IT, LOU?

MURRAY, I'VE DECIDED
TO BUY McCLUSKEY'S BAR.

NO KIDDING? AH!

WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S A GOLD
MINE, THAT'S WHY.

BUT I SEEM TO HAVE COME UP A
LITTLE SHORT ON THE DOWN PAYMENT.

SORRY, LOU, I'VE ALREADY INVESTED MY
MONEY THIS YEAR IN CHILDREN'S SHOES.

THIS IS A
ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME DEAL.

A BAR IS A RISKY THING, LOU.

MURRAY. MURRAY!

I'VE KNOWN BANKS WHO HAVE LENT
MONEY TO GUYS WHO WANTED TO OPEN BARS,

AND THE ONLY COLLATERAL THEY HAD
WAS THAT I WAS GONNA DRINK THERE.

SORRY, LOU.

AH! MORNING, GUYS.

TED!

LOU. NO.

MARY, CALL DR. AMES. HE'S ALWAYS
LOOKING FOR A SMART INVESTMENT.

"NO" WHAT?

WELL, LOU'S LOOKING FOR A PARTNER
TO INVEST IN A BAR HE'S BUYING.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO OWN A PLACE OF MY OWN.

TED BAXTER'S NEWSROOM.

IT'S ONE OF MY FIVE
AMBITIONS IN LIFE.

I DON'T WANNA KNOW
WHAT THE OTHER FOUR ARE.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU.

MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS,
REPLACE WALTER CRONKITE,

LEARN HOW TO SWIM,
AND MARRY MARLO THOMAS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. UH,
DR. AMES IS WITH A PATIENT.

WHY IS IT YOU CAN NEVER GET
A DOCTOR WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

SAY, LOU. I'LL GO IN ON
THAT BAR PLACE WITH YOU.

NO, THANKS, TED.
OH, COME ON, LOU.

TED, I'M TALKING ABOUT BUYING
A BAR, NOT A RAFFLE TICKET.

I NEED 1,500 BUCKS. OH.

NEWSROOM. OH, UH,
JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE.

MR. GRANT, IT'S MRS. McCLUSKEY.

UH, TELL HER I'LL
CALL HER RIGHT BACK.

CAN HE CALL YOU RIGHT
BACK? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MARY, TRY DR. AMES AGAIN.

UH, WHAT'S THE TOTAL ASKING
PRICE, LOU? EIGHTY-FIVE.

NET INCOME AFTER TAXES? FIFTEEN.

ENCUMBRANCES OF RECORD? NONE.

INTEREST? FIVE
AND A HALF PERCENT.

WILL YOU TAKE CASH?

CASH?

500.1,000.

$1,500.

UH, DON'T YOU THINK WE
OUGHTA SIGN SOMETHING FIRST?

ALL RIGHT. LET'S
STEP INTO MY OFFICE.

JUST A MINUTE. I'LL GO TO MY
ROOM AND GET MY LUCKY PEN.

WHY DOES HE CARRY $500
BILLS AROUND IN HIS WALLET?

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? SAY, TED?

UH, DO YOU HAVE THE THREE DOLLARS YOU
BORROWED FROM ME AT LUNCH LAST WEEK?

OH, SURE, MURR.

YOU GOT CHANGE FOR A 500?

SAY, LOU? HMM?

I'VE GOT AN IDEA HOW WE
CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.

YOU SEE, THERE'S THIS BAR ON THIRD
STREET, AND IT'S PACKED EVERY NIGHT.

AND I FIGURED OUT WHY, LOU. HMM?

THEY'VE GOT THE CUTEST
BARTENDERS YOU EVER SAW.

TED, I AM NOT HIRING BARMAIDS.

OH, NO, THESE AREN'T BARMAIDS,
LOU. THESE ARE GOOD-LOOKING GUYS.

I GUESS THEY DO THAT TO GET THE
WOMEN TO COME INTO THE PLACE.

COME TO THINK OF IT, THERE
WEREN'T ANY WOMEN IN THE PLACE.

IN FACT, EVERYBODY THERE
WAS A GOOD-LOOKING GUY.

TED, I AM NOT TURNING THIS KIND
OF BAR INTO THAT KIND OF BAR.

YOU MEAN IT'S THAT
KIND OF BAR, LOU?

YES, TED, THAT
WAS WHAT THAT WAS.

[Clears Throat] LUCKY
I DIDN'T GO IN THERE.

- PHILLY!
- HEY, LOU.

HOW YOU DOIN'? YOU
WANNA... FOR A DRINK?

COME ON.

OH! PHILLY, ONE OF THESE
DAYS, I'M GONNA TAKE YA.

JOHN? YEAH?

A SCOTCH FOR MY
FRIEND HERE. THANKS, LOU.

YOU WANNA TRY?
OH, I DON'T THINK SO.

JOHN, CANCEL HIS DRINK.

HEY! HEY.

LOOK WHO'S HERE.
CONGRATULATIONS.

HERE YOU GO, LOU. THANK YOU.

IT'S A LITTLE GIFT FROM MARY
AND ME FOR OPENING NIGHT.

[Mary] RHODA PICKED IT OUT.

I KNOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
GIVE FLOWERS ON OPENING NIGHT,

BUT I FIGURE WITH A CACTUS, EVERYBODY'LL
GET REALLY THIRSTY LOOKIN' AT IT.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THANK YOU, HONEY.

WELL, BEST OF LUCK, LOU.

HEY, THAT'S PRETTY CUTE, GIVING A
BOTTLE OF SCOTCH TO THE OWNER OF A BAR.

ANYBODY WANT A DRINK? SURE.

OH, BOY, YOU SURE HAVE A
GREAT PLACE HERE, MR. GRANT.

THANKS. OKAY.

THAT'LL BE 85 CENTS. UH-HUH.

[Cash Register Dings]

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE ALL SIT DOWN
OVER HERE AT MY PRIVATE TABLE?

GREAT. JOHN, LET'S
HAVE THAT CHAMPAGNE.

CHAMPAGNE? HI, MR. BAXTER.

OH, THERE YOU ARE. I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR YOU. YOU READY?

ALL SET TO GO. GREAT.

LOOK, DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?

I BET HE MISSES.

IT LOOKS DIFFERENT, MR. GRANT. DID
YOU CHANGE ANYTHING? NOT TOO MUCH.

UH, HAD THE BEER COMPANY
SEND OVER A NEW WATERFALL,

AND WE MOVED McCLUSKEY OUT.

- UH, LOU, UH, CAN WE HAVE
A LITTLE CONFERENCE?
- WHAT IS IT, TED?

JUST A LITTLE BUSINESS THAT
WE AS PARTNERS SHOULD HAVE.

HUH? [Chuckles]

BE RIGHT BACK.

ALL RIGHT, TED,
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

LOU, I'M NOT PAYING
FOR THAT CHAMPAGNE.

TED, WE'RE BOTH PAYING FOR IT.
IT'S COMING OUT OF YOUR END, LOU.

TED, I DON'T WANNA DISCUSS
IT. WE'RE BOTH PAYING FOR IT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, LOU.
LET'S ARM WRESTLE FOR IT.

THE LOSER PAYS FOR IT.

YOU'RE ON.

[Ted] AND I SAY TO YOU OUT
THERE, MR. AND MRS. TWIN CITIES,

THE WAY TO END THE
COLD WAR IS VERY SIMPLE.

LET RUSSIA TAKE
THEIR TOUGHEST GUY...

AND LET CHINA TAKE
THEIR TOUGHEST GUY...

AND LET THE UNITED STATES
TAKE THEIR TOUGHEST GUY,

AND LET THEM PUT THE GLOVES
ON AND FIGHT IT OUT IN THE RING.

WINNER TAKE ALL!

THIS IS TED BAXTER
WITH ONE MAN'S OPINION.

DID LOU APPROVE OF THAT? I DON'T
THINK MR. GRANT CARES WHAT TED DOES,

AS LONG AS HE STOPS
BEGGING FOR HIS MONEY BACK.

- OH. BUSINESS IS STILL
PRETTY BAD, HUH?
- OH, MURRAY, IT'S DEPRESSING.

I WAS IN THERE THE
OTHER NIGHT WITH A DATE.

MR. GRANT WAS SO GLAD
TO SEE US. IT WAS JUST SAD.

I MEAN, NOBODY
CAME IN FOR HOURS.

YEAH. LOU'S BEEN DRAGGING ME
IN THERE EVERY NIGHT AFTER WORK.

I THINK I'M DEVELOPING
A DRINKING PROBLEM.

BUT TONIGHT, I AM GOING
STRAIGHT HOME. ME TOO.

LOU, YOU WANNA KNOW
WHY I LOOK SO BAD?

I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY MOTHER.

SHE'S IN JAIL, LOU.

I'VE GOTTA GET AN
ATTORNEY TO GET HER OUT.

I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO
ASK FOR MY $1,500 BACK, LOU.

WHAT'S SHE IN FOR, TED?

OH, GRAND THEFT AUTO.

NO, TED.

ALL RIGHT, LOU. I'LL
TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

IT WASN'T GRAND THEFT AUTO.

I JUST DIDN'T WANNA
COME OUT AND SAY IT.

I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE DOCTOR.

[Sobbing] I'VE ONLY
GOT A YEAR TO LIVE.

OF COURSE, THERE'S A ONE-IN-A-MILLION
CHANCE THAT THEY CAN SAVE ME,

BUT IT'LL MEAN AN
AWFUL LOT OF MONEY, LOU.

NO, TED. ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL
YOU THE REAL TRUTH.

I DON'T HAVE A YEAR TO LIVE.

[Sobbing] I'VE ONLY GOT
SIX MONTHS TO LIVE.

TED? YEAH, LOU?

I THINK YOU HAVE LESS THAN THAT IF
YOU DON'T GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.

THE DATE. OH, YEAH, HE WAS
REALLY PRETTY INTERESTING, MAR.

SORT OF THE INTELLECTUAL
TYPE, YOU KNOW?

THE STEEL-RIMMED GLASSES, AND
WILD-LOOKING HAIR AND VERY LONG SIDEBURNS.

THEY BEGAN HERE, WENT ALL THE WAY
DOWN HIS FACE, CAME OUT HIS CUFFS.

[Knocking]

WHO IS IT? [Lou]
IS MARY IN THERE?

YES, SHE IS. MR. GRANT?

YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

MAY I COME IN? SURE, LOU.
MY BEADS ARE ALWAYS OPEN.

UH, I'M GLAD I FOUND YOU.

I'VE BEEN WALKING AROUND
THINKING ABOUT THIS BAR THING,

AND I THINK I FINALLY
HIT ON SOMETHING.

UH, CAN WE GET OUT OF YOUR
BEDROOM AND GO INTO THE LIVING ROOM?

THIS IS IT, LOU.

THIS IS IT? YEAH.

CUTE.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN? AND
HOW ABOUT A CUP OF COFFEE?

SURE, HAVE SOME. YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE ANYTHING A LITTLE STRONGER, HUH?

NO. OH, WAIT. I HAVE SOME
WINE MY MOTHER SENT ME.

MANISCHEWITZ ELDERBERRY,

MANISCHEWITZ CONCORD GRAPE,
MANISCHEWITZ BLACKBERRY.

YEAH. IT'S SORT OF A STARTER
SET FOR SACRAMENTAL WINOS.

MARY, RHODA.

YEAH?

IT'S SO DEPRESSING AT MY BAR.

MR. GRANT, IT IS NOT.

I FINALLY REALIZED WHAT
McCLUSKEY'S NEEDS TO BE SUCCESSFUL.

WHAT? McCLUSKEY.

- SO WHY DON'T YOU GET HIM BACK?
- NO, RHODA, MR. McCLUSKEY
IS NO LONGER WITH US.

AND NEITHER ARE HIS CUSTOMERS.

THEY'RE IN ALL THE OTHER
SALOONS ALL OVER TOWN,

AND THAT'S BECAUSE THEY LOVED
McCLUSKEY, AND THEY DON'T LOVE ME.

OH, SURE THEY DO. YEAH, OF
COURSE THEY LOVE YOU, LOU.

NO, NO, NO.

McCLUSKEY HAD A GIFT FOR PEOPLE.

HE KNEW HOW TO TELL 'EM JOKES.

HE KNEW HOW TO GET 'EM TO SING.

HE REMEMBERED THE NAMES OF
EVERYONE WHO CAME INTO THAT BAR.

YOU HAD TO LOVE HIM.

AND, MARY, I'M NOT WHAT YOU
WOULD CALL A LOVABLE PERSON.

OH, MR. GRANT, YES YOU...
RHODA, ISN'T HE LOVABLE?

YEAH, TRULY LOVABLE.

- I MEAN IT.
- THANK YOU.

THE THING IS, I-I NEVER REALLY
CARED ABOUT BEING LOVABLE TILL NOW.

IT WAS ALWAYS ENOUGH THAT
PEOPLE WERE AFRAID OF ME.

BUT FROM NOW ON,

THINGS ARE GONNA
BE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT.

STARTING TOMORROW,

I'M GOING TO BE
INCREDIBLY LOVABLE.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?

HAPPY HOUR, LOU? RIGHT.

I'M GONNA SEE TO IT THAT...

THIS PLACE IS EXACTLY LIKE IT
WAS WHEN McCLUSKEY OWNED IT.

I PUT UP POSTERS,
SENT OUT FLYERS.

OH! HOW ARE YA? HOW ARE YA?

I'D LIKE TO WELCOME
YOU HERE THIS EVENING.

I'M THE OWNER. MY NAME'S
LOU GRANT. AND YOURS?

AL BOLINGER. AL.

TIM KELLOG. TIM.

WELL, WELL, WELL, I'M CERTAINLY
GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

AL AND TIM. AL AND TIM.

YOU GENTLEMEN PLAY DARTS?

WE JUST CAME IN FOR A
DRINK. UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

HAVE A SEAT. HAVE A SEAT.

HEY, AL AND TIM, I HEARD A
PRETTY FUNNY STORY TODAY.

DID YOU HEAR... OH, EXCUSE ME, AL
AND TIM. I'LL FINISH THE STORY LATER.

IT'S REALLY FUNNY. I
THINK YOU'LL LIKE IT.

COME RIGHT IN. COME RIGHT
IN. HOW ARE YA? HOW ARE YA?

I'D LIKE TO WELCOME
YOU HERE THIS EVENING.

I'M THE OWNER. MY
NAME'S LOU GRANT.

AND YOURS? RICK SIMMONS.

RICK. GOOD TO SEE YA.
HAVE A SEAT. HAVE A SEAT.

AND YOURS, SIR? HENRY THOMAS.

HENRY, PLEASED TO SEE YOU. AND
YOURS, YOUNG LADY? ALICE HOWARD.

ALICE, HOW ARE YOU?

BETTY DOTSON. BETTY.
SO NICE TO SEE YOU.

WELL, I'M CERTAINLY GLAD
YOU ALL COULD MAKE IT.

AL AND TIM, THIS IS RICK, HENRY,

ALICE AND, UH...

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
DON'T-DON'T TELL ME. DON'T TELL ME.

- BARBARA.
- BETTY.

BETTY. I WAS TEASING YOU.

SAY, AL AND TIM, I'M GONNA
TELL THAT STORY NOW.

SAY, I WAS JUST GOING
TO TELL AL AND TIM...

THIS VERY FUNNY
STORY I HEARD TODAY.

MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD IT. LISTEN.

THIS DRUNK WALKS UP TO THE PARKING
METER, AND HE PUTS A PENNY IN IT.

HE LOOK AT IT AND HE SAYS, "HEY,
LOOK, I JUST WEIGHED 12 MINUTES!"

THAT'S GREAT, PAL.
YOU LIKE THAT ONE, HUH?

SWELL. I'M GONNA GO
LEARN ANOTHER ONE.

HEY! LOOK WHO'S HERE,
EVERYBODY. HELLO, MR. GRANT.

MARY AND RHODA. MARY
AND RHODA, THIS IS, UH...

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT
A MINUTE. THIS IS ALICE.

RIGHT. ALICE. THIS IS BETTY.

HUH? BETTY. AND THIS IS...

THIS IS AL AND TIM.

YEAH, WELL, YOU'LL ALL
BE DROPPING IN HERE A LOT,

SO YOU'LL ALL GET
TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MR. GRANT?
- AM I ALL RIGHT?

I'M TERRIFIC. WE'RE REALLY
HAVING A GREAT TIME HERE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE
JUST IN TIME FOR THE SING-ALONG.

SING-ALONG? MM-HMM. YEAH.

YOU KNOW, STAND
AROUND THE OLD BAR,

HOIST A FEW, SING THE OLD SONGS.

COME ON, NOW. IT'LL BE FUN.

I'LL START, THEN
YOU TWO JOIN IN.

THEN EVERYBODY
ELSE WILL JUST FOLLOW.

MR. GRANT, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO DO THIS. IT ISN'T LIKE YOU.

♪ COME ON ALONG COME ON ALONG ♪

♪ ALEXANDER'S RAGTIME BAND ♪

♪ COME ON AND CHEER
COME ON AND CHEER ♪

♪ IT'S THE BEST
BAND IN THE LAND ♪

LET'S EVERYBODY SING!

♪ COME ON ALONG COME ON ALONG ♪

♪ LET ME TAKE YOU BY THE HAND ♪

♪ UP TO THE MAN UP TO THE MAN ♪

♪ WHO'S THE LEADER OF THE BAND ♪

♪ AND IF YOU WANNA
HEAR THE SWANEE RIVER ♪

♪ PLAYED IN RAGTIME ♪

♪ COME ON AND HEAR
COME ON AND HEAR ♪

♪ ALEXANDER'S RAGTIME BAND ♪♪

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG
WITH YOU ANYWAY?

YOU JUST SIT THERE
LIKE A BUNCH OF CLODS.

NOW WE ASKED YOU
NICELY TO SING ALONG.

HUH? NOW, THAT'S NOT TOO MUCH, IS
IT... TO ASK PEOPLE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME?

SIT DOWN!

NOW THIS IS THE HAPPY HOUR,

AND WE ARE ALL GONNA SIT HERE,

AND WE ARE ALL GONNA SING ALONG.

IS THAT CLEAR? ROGER?

NORMAN? HELEN?

MURIEL?

TIM AND AL?

ALL RIGHT! LET'S GO!

AND THIS TIME,

I REALLY WANNA HEAR IT.

♪ COME ON ALONG COME ON ALONG ♪

♪ ALEXANDER'S RAGTIME BAND ♪

♪ COME ON AND CHEER ♪
LOUDER!

♪ COME ON AND CHEER ♪

♪ IT'S THE BEST
BAND IN THE LAND ♪

I CAN'T HEAR YA! I CAN'T
HEAR YA! ♪♪ [Continues]

♪ NA-NA-NA-NA-NA YOU
WANT TO GO TO WAR ♪

♪ IT'S THE BEST
BAND IN THE LAND ♪

IF THAT'S ALL THE ENERGY YOU GOT,
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE COME OUT TONIGHT!

♪ COME ON ALONG COME ON ALONG ♪

I'M GONNA HAVE
TO SELL THIS PLACE.

♪ UP TO THE MAN UP TO THE MAN ♪

♪ WHO'S THE LEADER
OF THE BAND ♪♪

MARY, I WANT TO, UH...

I WANT TO, UH... SORRY
ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

OH, MR. GRANT, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I WASN'T MYSELF.
LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND.

YOU THINK ANY OF THE PEOPLE YOU CALLED
THIS MORNING MIGHT BUY McCLUSKEY'S?

YEAH, I THINK I'LL FIND A
BUYER OUT OF ONE OF 'EM.

A BUYER? DOES THAT MEAN
I'LL GET MY MONEY BACK, LOU?

PROBABLY, TED. WHEN?

SOON. WAY TO GO, LOU.

BOY, I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D SEE THAT MONEY AGAIN.

TED? HUH?

BY THE WAY, YOU STILL
OWE ME THREE BUCKS.

OH, SURE, MURR.

YOU GOT CHANGE FOR A 500?

AS A MATTER OF FACT...

ONE. TWO. THREE.

- QUARTERS?
- NICKELS.

[Mews]