Man Stroke Woman (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
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[Farts]
I'm back.
Dave, stay where you are.
What's going on?
Nothing. Just don't
come in! Don't!
What're you doing?
Oh, no. Ahh.
Oh, my god.
[Groans]
Wha... what's that smell?
What's that awful smell?
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
no. A couple of wankers. Yeah.
I'm looking at them right now
and I'm thinking how many wankers
can you fit in one office?
You know what the
answer is? Many. [Laughs]
Many, many, many, wankers.
Ok, who told the new girl the
pitch-room was soundproof?
Oh, look now, they're raising
their hands, like idiot children.
Oh, my god, who's a wanker?
I am. Me too.
Aaah, I'm a wanker,
I'm a wanker.
Oh, my god, I hate
them all so much.
I think I might go
back in there and fart.
Hmm. Hi!
Face like an anus.
Yeah, that's right. Ok, yeah.
It's just quite intimidating being
compared to an ex-girlfriend.
No one's comparing you.
Yeah, but you're always saying
how much they adored Julia.
They'll adore you, too.
Come on, it's just a party.
- Ok.
- You look beautiful.
Oh, thank you, baby.
[Indistinct chatter]
Everyone, Mike
and Julia are here.
- Hello, Mike.
- How's you?
- Yeah, good thanks.
- Hello.
Oh.
That's not Julia.
Oh, erm, everyone, this
is my new girlfriend, Lucy.
Hello.
What the hell are
you doing, man?
- Sorry?
- Where's...
Where is Julia?
Well, erm, kind of
met someone else.
- [Laughs]
- Who?
Lucy.
- What her?
- She's horrible.
Oh.
No.
- Nah, mate.
- No way.
- That's rank.
- We want Julia.
[Together] We want Julia.
We want Julia.
We want Julia!
- We want Julia!
- They'll come around.
We want Julia!
Yeah, I mean, I suppose we
could get bill to have a little look at it.
Well, I'd rather not. I mean, he's
good at his job but he's very indiscreet.
Yeah, I mean, I suppose,
but just the ramifications.
Oh, bloody hell.
Steve, that door
is playing up again.
You know?
Hello.
Ah, erm, hello.
Is there a-a man chemist
I could see, please?
Oh, no, he's not here today.
But don't be embarrassed just ask
me what you would have asked him.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, honestly.
Ok, er...
Excuse me, mate,
do you know that fit
chemist bird that works here,
are you her boyfriend?
Is she seeing anyone?
Have you got her number?
Does she do it?
Ahh, I see.
Er, got anything for hay fever?
Yeah.
[Whispers] Oh, god.
So, mr falkirk, when
you returned home,
you entered your back
garden to find your wife,
mrs falkirk, had been
stabbed through the heart and
left to die on the lawn. That right?
Yes.
And the lawn on which mrs falkirk
lay, had it been freshly mown?
No.
Do you regularly mow
your lawn, mr falkirk?
Oh, actually, no, i'd-I'd had a
bit of trouble with my lawnmower.
Er, the cable had looked
a bit worn so I threw it out.
Ahh.
The cable looked a bit
worn and so you threw it out.
Never thought of a
nice second-hand one?
I-I'm sorry?
Perhaps the court would
like to consider for a moment
a nice second-hand lawnmower,
a bosch rotak, 320
electric wheeled
rotary lawnmower.
You will.
Lightweight, barely used.
Now imagine, mr falkirk,
if someone were to offer
you such a lawnmower
for only £30, or nearest offer.
£30 for a lawnmower
as good as new?
[Scoffs] That's a
good deal, isn't it?
Erm, I suppose.
Mr michelson, are you trying to
sell you lawnmower to the accused?
Yes, I am, my lord.
Mr michelson, I
shan't warn you again
about trying to sell your lawnmower
while the court is in session.
The jury shall ignore
the prosecution's attempts
to sell his lawnmower
to the defendant.
Although, I mean, if any
of you want a lawnmower?
Mr michelson.
Sorry.
Hey, Alex.
Hey, Jen, you made it.
- Yeah, sorry, I'm late.
- No worries.
Now, erm, what
can I get you to eat?
We've got burgers, sausages,
ribs so whatever you want just dig in.
Ooh! [Laughs] I'm
a vegetarian now.
Oh, ok.
That's ok. We've
made provisions for you.
- Ok.
- Just come through here.
- Through here?
- Yep. Straight on.
Then straight on.
[Scoffs]
It's just, it's
stairs to a cellar.
Yeah, it is.
Don't come to a barbecue
if you don't eat meat.
Right, who'd like some more?
You poor thing.
I just feel so upset.
I'm crying all the time.
I just feel so isolated.
- Hi, Louise.
- Hey. Sorry, carry on.
I just feel so isolated. I mean, you're
the only person I've got down here.
Well, I am the loneliest
I've ever been right now, so...
- Hey, Louise.
- Hello, aww.
So I really understand
what you're talking about.
-It's such an awful feeling, isn't it?
-Yeah.
- Overwhelming despair.
- Hi, Louise.
Hi, Phil.
And just the feeling that maybe
you're gonna die all on your own.
- Hello, there.
- Hello, Kevin.
And I don't know about you
but sometimes I just
cry myself to sleep.
- Hey, Louise.
- Hello. Call me. See you tomorrow.
And-and I think
am I gonna always...
- Hi, Louise.
- Hello.
You were wonderful last night.
Am I gonna always be
alone? And then I think,
it's ok because at least
we've got each other, Melanie.
Mary. It's Mary.
Ohhh.
Hello, nurse.
Hello, mr Johnson.
I hear you're in need of
some special treatment.
Yes, yes, I am.
Well, er, what seems
to be the problem?
Oh.
Well, every time I see you nurse
I get this... [moans]
funny feeling in my balls.
Mmm, well, I think I know
what's wrong with you.
You do?
Mmm-hmm. You've got cancer.
I... is it naughty cancer?
No, it's bowel cancer.
Oh.
Yeah, we have done some tests.
It looks quite advanced.
I wish I had some
more positive news.
Well, what if you...
Had a special cure for me?
Oh, I am so sorry.
May-maybe I've
got another disease,
like sexyitis.
Mmm, no. You-you've
got three to four months.
Jenny, I-I don't think we
should do role play anymore.
Good god, man, it's so hot.
I'm quite cool, actually.
Are you? Are you,
really? Good for you.
- Do you want a coffee?
- No, thanks, mate.
Are you wearing a skirt?
Yeah, that's why
I'm not as hot as you.
[Stutters]
[Man] Hey, Seth.
Erm, I just got these back
from the printers, now...
Guys, what're you doing?
What?
You're both dressed like girls.
Wayne was just saying
how hot the office was.
Oh, right. A little, a little sweaty
there at your desk, are you, Wayne?
[Laughs]
Can you sign here?
Yeah.
Oh, that was, that
was intense last night.
Yeah, I know. I don't
really do that whole, erm,
one night stand thing.
No, [chuckles] Me neither.
Yeah.
Cos it's, erm,
well, it's not really
fair on Benji, really.
Who's Benji?
[Door opens]
Hey.
Daddy!
You're my new daddy.
Oh, look, he likes you.
You won't leave me, will you?
Not like all the other daddies.
Ooh.
I don't want to
get the cries again
and have to see
the brain doctor.
Oh.
Yeah, it's been very,
very difficult for him.
Listen, I'm gonna
make some breakfast,
leave you two to get along.
I love you.
[Door closes]
Good.
That's... that's good.
Hey, look at this,
they've extended their offer
on this three-seater leather sofa.
It's only 399 and you pay nothing
for the first year and it's free delivery.
Oh, yeah, look with its matching
choice of fabric or leather cushions.
- Do you want to get one?
- I don't think so.
- Know why?
- Why?
Because it's fucking hideous.
Oh, yeah.
Mrs Montgomery, we did say
there was a very slim chance
your father's operation
wouldn't be successful, didn't we?
Oh, my god, how is he?
There's no easy
way to say this, erm...
Your father developed
complications
following his medical procedure,
and I'm afraid to have to
tell you that he has died.
No! [Cries]
I'm-I'm terribly,
terribly sorry.
Oh, god!
Hey, Dennis.
- Is that Rob?
- Yeah.
The sitting on the
lap thing doesn't work.
- Really?
- Yeah, they still cry.
- Ok.
- Alright. We still on for dinner?
- Absolutely. See you there, mate.
- Ok, see you at eight. Cheers, mate.
Oh, my god.
Sorry, I-I couldn't
help but notice,
but, erm, is your son
the one on his own?
Yeah, yeah, he does find it
a bit difficult making friends.
It's a shame, isn't it?
Because he'll probably
never really fit in, will he?
You know, doomed to be a loner.
Socially isolated.
Emotionally dysfunctional.
As he gets older, he'll
become bitter, resentful.
'Why won't the world
listen!' He'll think.
Then one day it'll all become
too much, he finally snaps.
[Imitates gun shots]
[Laughs]
Or, you know,
he's gonna be fine.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Nothing like a good sauna to get
you going in the morning, is there?
Sauna?
Yeah.
That's not a toilet?
No.
Have a good sauna.
- Is this us?
- You know it is.
[Mumbles] You're so
f-ing moody all the time.
Are you ok, uncle Jack?
It's no good.
You've only had three and
I've had a fucking shit load.
You're gonna have to drive.
I'm only 12, uncle
Jack, I can't drive yet.
Of course you can.
I've seen you driving
that car of yours
around all the time at home.
That's my remote control car.
Same thing, innit?
No.
Listen, I'm going
to level with ya,
I'm fucking shit faced.
If I drive this car,
I'm gonna crash it.
Whatever.
Take the keys and get in here.
I'm gonna have a piss.
Oh!
What-what you looking for then?
Stop it.
You fucking...
That's not right.
Which way now, uncle
Jack? Which way? Quick!
Huh?
Shut up, you can
see I'm trying to sleep.
[Car horn]
Fuck-fuck-fuck off.
- That was delicious.
- Don't sound so surprised.
Oh, no, no, no. I'll do these.
- Are you sure?
- Positive. You stay where you are.
Aww.
This is all very
gentlemanly of you.
You know that most men
only offer to do the dishes
when they're trying to
get into a lady's knickers,
which is so
ridiculous, obviously.
I'm so glad
you're not like that.
You're such a good
friend, I feel safe with you.
Hello, police.
[Deep voice] Hello, there's
a burglary in progress
on the warleigh's industrial
estate. Please hurry.
Ok, sir. Er, can you tell
me what they're taking?
Oh, gosh, just look
out the window now.
Oh, it looks like
they're stealing a lorry.
It's a red lorry.
Right, a red lorry. Right.
And, oh, oh, they're taking another
one, it's a yellow one this time.
Ok, a yellow lorry.
- Blimey!
- What?
Blimey, they're taking
another one. It's a red one.
Ok, right. Can I... Let me just
make sure I've got this-this right.
You wouldn't believe it,
there's a yellow one behind.
Sir, sir, up to now the
vehicles taken are a red lorry,
a yellow lorry, a red lor...
Oh, it's you, Karen!
This is Karen,
isn't it? Yes. Yes.
Oh, oh.
Come home, I'm bored.
No, I can't, I'm
at work, aren't I?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Who's your best flatmate?
- Oh, it's got to be you, hasn't it?
- Who's your best friend?
- Go away now though.
Who's the prettiest
person you've ever met?
- Leave me.
- [Hangs up]
- Who... who...
- Hello, police.
[Band playing jazz]
[Applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I once ran over a guy...
- [Jazz playing] - Who can
only have been in his early 20s.
Obviously I was very
nervous at the time,
and to tell you the truth, I'd
had quite a bit to drink that night.
Anyway, I left him
by the roadside
and went abroad for a few
weeks just to get my head straight.
Subsequently, my
agent found out he died
and I wrote this song for him,
which went straight into
the charts at number six.
Hit it.
I'll do the verse but do feel
free to join in with the chorus.
[Applause]
Cheers. Erm, ok, right.
Er, what can I tell you about Phil
that you probably don't already know?
Why don't I start off with a
story from the stag night?
So there we were, in
Amsterdam at three in the morning,
Phil's nowhere to be found.
Anyway, we finally
track him down,
and he is with two
of the fittest hookers
I have ever seen in my life.
You know, it's strange,
when you see an old friend as
the meat in a hooker sandwich,
you dunno where to look.
But, Phil, he was great, cos, bless
him, he just turned to me and he said,
what're you doing?
- What?
- You're upsetting her.
Sorry. Sorry, guys, sorry.
Sorry. Sorry, it wasn't
Amsterdam, it was Prague.
[Crowd cheer]
Sorry about that, guys. So,
anyway, Phil turns to me and he says,
"don't worry, mate, when
I'm finished with these two,
there's four more
waiting for us."
[Applause]
-Go on, tell them what happened next.
-[Laughs]
- Hello. [Giggles]
- Hello.
Hey, look, soph made you a card.
Oh, bless her.
I think that's meant to be you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that glitter?
Don't be such a baby.
I'm not being a baby,
I'm a glitter magnet, I...
Took me two weeks
to get rid of it last time.
Oh, she's be
heartbroken, you've got to.
[Sighs] Fine, give it here.
'To daddy, kiss,
kiss, kiss.' [Chuckles]
So sweet. So sweet.
[Chuckles]
What's up with you?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Maybe just have a
little... A little shower.
No, I'll be alright.
[Man] So, problem,
lateness in the workplace.
Solution?
Bus. Office.
Busoffice.
This 40 storey mobile workspace
will pick people up
from their own homes.
It can travel at
speeds of 1,000 mph
so, traffic permitting,
we can have the entire workforce
picked up in six to seven minutes,
and that's from all over the UK.
Any questions?
Erm, yeah, I've-I've
got a-a question.
Shoot.
What does any of this have
to do with the high court ruling
on storage tax proposals
for our company?
Nothing.
This is an office
that is also a very large bus.
Right. It's just that, erm,
I thought this presentation was about
the implications of the high court ruling.
Yeah, I mean,
I-I wouldn't worry,
I'm sure Darren
is-is getting to that.
No, that's it, I'm done.
You're-you're done?
Erm,
Darren, do you remember what
we-we talked about on Wednesday?
Wednesday, yeah. Er, you said that
there was gonna be a high court ruling.
That's right.
And you wanted me
to design a giant bus.
No. No.
Sorry. Erm...
How would this go under Bridges?
Bridges...
Right, well, we'd
better recall them then.
Recall them?
What... you mean
they're on the road?
Only four of them, yeah.
Other 12 are still at the depot.
There's a depot?
I assumed you'd
need one for the buses.
Well, that's great,
Darren. Brilliant.
Well-well done.
Sorry, is this not a good idea?
[Jazz music playing
in the distance]
Got the wrong house, haven't I?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bye.
Cheerio.
Rachel, would you mind getting
the milk out for me, please?
Yeah, sure.
What's this?
Oh, yeah, Jamie did that at
school, it's part of his new project.
The teacher asked the class to
each draw members of their family.
D'you know, when he brought
that home I just cried my eyes out.
Why's that, because
it's so totally shit?
No, I meant tears of joy.
Oh, ah, yeah, I see.
Can you get the milk
out for me, please?
It's not been easy
since Jane moved out.
She used to do
all the house work.
I mean, to be honest, I'd never
even picked up a hoover before.
[Groans]
Still, I'm coping.
Aww. [Laughs]
- Tickets.
- I can't believe you drove all this way.
Hey, I could see you
were in a bit of a jam.
You're a star, Rob.
It's what anyone would
have done in my situation.
Well, we really appreciate it.
- Chivalry's not dead. [Laughs]
- [Laughs]
So how can we thank you?
Erm, why don't you two kiss?
- What?
- What?
Just get off with each other.
- Now?
- Yeah.
Sort of, here?
- Kiss?
- Yeah.
- Kiss each other?
- Yep.
Shall I come to...
- Yeah, yeah, why not.
- Alright.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
Hello, police.
[Deep voice] Hello, I am
running very fast away from a...
-Karen, - a criminal.
I've got an armed robbery
on the other line, love,
can you get off the line.
- Who's on the other line?
- An armed robbery.
Oh, brilliant!
Where is it, I might
go and watch?
- Somewhere I'd rather be right now.
- What else have you got?
- [Hangs up]
- Hello, police.
[Indistinct chatter]
Women aren't interested
in nice guys anymore.
You know, they like a man
with a bit of an edge, a bad boy.
You've got to treat them mean.
I don't know.
Trust me, look.
See that woman over there?
- What, white trousers?
- Right.
Go up to her and make out
like you are a real bastard.
I guarantee she will
be putty in your hands.
- You reckon?
- 100%
alright.
- [Gunshot]
- [Screams]
[Crowd screaming]
Hi, I'm Sam.
Too mean?
- [Flinches] Too mean!
[High-pitched voice] Ok, yeah.
Yeah, let's go,
let's go quickly.
Listen, we're full
tonight, alright?
So I'm gonna leave
you to get on the entrées,
see how you manage being
thrown in at the deep end, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Good. Let's go, chop, chop.
Get these out of
service, yeah. Oi!
[Indistinct orders from chef]
What filling you using?
Er, what-what filling...
Excuse me.
[High-pitched] Higher.
Sorry?
You're gonna have
to say it higher.
Oh, right. Er...
[High-pitched] What...
What filling are you using?
Prosciutto, butternut
squash, truffle oil.
[Normal voice] Oh,
that sounds nice.
Sorry.
[High-pitched] I mean, that
sounds, that sounds good.
Got the truffle oil, Mel?
I think Sally had it last.
Not me, Katie's got it. Katie.
Yeah? Can I help
you with anything?
Do you know where
the truffle oil is?
Has it gone out
with the garnishes.
Come on, let's go, yeah.
More seasoning, please.
Good work.
Guys, has-has anyone
seen my De-boning knife?
Sorry, chef, still
familiarising myself
with the lay... Out.
Are you taking the piss?
No.
Then what the fuck is
wrong with you voice?
Noth... nothing.
You, my son, have
got an attitude.
You'd better buck your ideas up.
You'd better buck
them up sharpish.
Yeah? Or you'll
be out of that door.
Look at me. Capish?
Sorry. Sorry, chef.
Won't happen again, chef.
Get out of my sight.
- Get back to work all of you.
- Bastards.
[Chef talking indistinctly]
- Can I take your coat?
- Uh, yeah.
Sorry.
- Take a seat. Sit down.
- Thank you.
Have a sit down.
Do you want a glass of wine?
Er, yeah, yes, please.
Red or white?
Er, red would be great.
Ok. Ok, alright. Wait there.
[Footsteps]
[Sighs]
Mmm, we didn't have any wine.
---
[Farts]
I'm back.
Dave, stay where you are.
What's going on?
Nothing. Just don't
come in! Don't!
What're you doing?
Oh, no. Ahh.
Oh, my god.
[Groans]
Wha... what's that smell?
What's that awful smell?
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
no. A couple of wankers. Yeah.
I'm looking at them right now
and I'm thinking how many wankers
can you fit in one office?
You know what the
answer is? Many. [Laughs]
Many, many, many, wankers.
Ok, who told the new girl the
pitch-room was soundproof?
Oh, look now, they're raising
their hands, like idiot children.
Oh, my god, who's a wanker?
I am. Me too.
Aaah, I'm a wanker,
I'm a wanker.
Oh, my god, I hate
them all so much.
I think I might go
back in there and fart.
Hmm. Hi!
Face like an anus.
Yeah, that's right. Ok, yeah.
It's just quite intimidating being
compared to an ex-girlfriend.
No one's comparing you.
Yeah, but you're always saying
how much they adored Julia.
They'll adore you, too.
Come on, it's just a party.
- Ok.
- You look beautiful.
Oh, thank you, baby.
[Indistinct chatter]
Everyone, Mike
and Julia are here.
- Hello, Mike.
- How's you?
- Yeah, good thanks.
- Hello.
Oh.
That's not Julia.
Oh, erm, everyone, this
is my new girlfriend, Lucy.
Hello.
What the hell are
you doing, man?
- Sorry?
- Where's...
Where is Julia?
Well, erm, kind of
met someone else.
- [Laughs]
- Who?
Lucy.
- What her?
- She's horrible.
Oh.
No.
- Nah, mate.
- No way.
- That's rank.
- We want Julia.
[Together] We want Julia.
We want Julia.
We want Julia!
- We want Julia!
- They'll come around.
We want Julia!
Yeah, I mean, I suppose we
could get bill to have a little look at it.
Well, I'd rather not. I mean, he's
good at his job but he's very indiscreet.
Yeah, I mean, I suppose,
but just the ramifications.
Oh, bloody hell.
Steve, that door
is playing up again.
You know?
Hello.
Ah, erm, hello.
Is there a-a man chemist
I could see, please?
Oh, no, he's not here today.
But don't be embarrassed just ask
me what you would have asked him.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, honestly.
Ok, er...
Excuse me, mate,
do you know that fit
chemist bird that works here,
are you her boyfriend?
Is she seeing anyone?
Have you got her number?
Does she do it?
Ahh, I see.
Er, got anything for hay fever?
Yeah.
[Whispers] Oh, god.
So, mr falkirk, when
you returned home,
you entered your back
garden to find your wife,
mrs falkirk, had been
stabbed through the heart and
left to die on the lawn. That right?
Yes.
And the lawn on which mrs falkirk
lay, had it been freshly mown?
No.
Do you regularly mow
your lawn, mr falkirk?
Oh, actually, no, i'd-I'd had a
bit of trouble with my lawnmower.
Er, the cable had looked
a bit worn so I threw it out.
Ahh.
The cable looked a bit
worn and so you threw it out.
Never thought of a
nice second-hand one?
I-I'm sorry?
Perhaps the court would
like to consider for a moment
a nice second-hand lawnmower,
a bosch rotak, 320
electric wheeled
rotary lawnmower.
You will.
Lightweight, barely used.
Now imagine, mr falkirk,
if someone were to offer
you such a lawnmower
for only £30, or nearest offer.
£30 for a lawnmower
as good as new?
[Scoffs] That's a
good deal, isn't it?
Erm, I suppose.
Mr michelson, are you trying to
sell you lawnmower to the accused?
Yes, I am, my lord.
Mr michelson, I
shan't warn you again
about trying to sell your lawnmower
while the court is in session.
The jury shall ignore
the prosecution's attempts
to sell his lawnmower
to the defendant.
Although, I mean, if any
of you want a lawnmower?
Mr michelson.
Sorry.
Hey, Alex.
Hey, Jen, you made it.
- Yeah, sorry, I'm late.
- No worries.
Now, erm, what
can I get you to eat?
We've got burgers, sausages,
ribs so whatever you want just dig in.
Ooh! [Laughs] I'm
a vegetarian now.
Oh, ok.
That's ok. We've
made provisions for you.
- Ok.
- Just come through here.
- Through here?
- Yep. Straight on.
Then straight on.
[Scoffs]
It's just, it's
stairs to a cellar.
Yeah, it is.
Don't come to a barbecue
if you don't eat meat.
Right, who'd like some more?
You poor thing.
I just feel so upset.
I'm crying all the time.
I just feel so isolated.
- Hi, Louise.
- Hey. Sorry, carry on.
I just feel so isolated. I mean, you're
the only person I've got down here.
Well, I am the loneliest
I've ever been right now, so...
- Hey, Louise.
- Hello, aww.
So I really understand
what you're talking about.
-It's such an awful feeling, isn't it?
-Yeah.
- Overwhelming despair.
- Hi, Louise.
Hi, Phil.
And just the feeling that maybe
you're gonna die all on your own.
- Hello, there.
- Hello, Kevin.
And I don't know about you
but sometimes I just
cry myself to sleep.
- Hey, Louise.
- Hello. Call me. See you tomorrow.
And-and I think
am I gonna always...
- Hi, Louise.
- Hello.
You were wonderful last night.
Am I gonna always be
alone? And then I think,
it's ok because at least
we've got each other, Melanie.
Mary. It's Mary.
Ohhh.
Hello, nurse.
Hello, mr Johnson.
I hear you're in need of
some special treatment.
Yes, yes, I am.
Well, er, what seems
to be the problem?
Oh.
Well, every time I see you nurse
I get this... [moans]
funny feeling in my balls.
Mmm, well, I think I know
what's wrong with you.
You do?
Mmm-hmm. You've got cancer.
I... is it naughty cancer?
No, it's bowel cancer.
Oh.
Yeah, we have done some tests.
It looks quite advanced.
I wish I had some
more positive news.
Well, what if you...
Had a special cure for me?
Oh, I am so sorry.
May-maybe I've
got another disease,
like sexyitis.
Mmm, no. You-you've
got three to four months.
Jenny, I-I don't think we
should do role play anymore.
Good god, man, it's so hot.
I'm quite cool, actually.
Are you? Are you,
really? Good for you.
- Do you want a coffee?
- No, thanks, mate.
Are you wearing a skirt?
Yeah, that's why
I'm not as hot as you.
[Stutters]
[Man] Hey, Seth.
Erm, I just got these back
from the printers, now...
Guys, what're you doing?
What?
You're both dressed like girls.
Wayne was just saying
how hot the office was.
Oh, right. A little, a little sweaty
there at your desk, are you, Wayne?
[Laughs]
Can you sign here?
Yeah.
Oh, that was, that
was intense last night.
Yeah, I know. I don't
really do that whole, erm,
one night stand thing.
No, [chuckles] Me neither.
Yeah.
Cos it's, erm,
well, it's not really
fair on Benji, really.
Who's Benji?
[Door opens]
Hey.
Daddy!
You're my new daddy.
Oh, look, he likes you.
You won't leave me, will you?
Not like all the other daddies.
Ooh.
I don't want to
get the cries again
and have to see
the brain doctor.
Oh.
Yeah, it's been very,
very difficult for him.
Listen, I'm gonna
make some breakfast,
leave you two to get along.
I love you.
[Door closes]
Good.
That's... that's good.
Hey, look at this,
they've extended their offer
on this three-seater leather sofa.
It's only 399 and you pay nothing
for the first year and it's free delivery.
Oh, yeah, look with its matching
choice of fabric or leather cushions.
- Do you want to get one?
- I don't think so.
- Know why?
- Why?
Because it's fucking hideous.
Oh, yeah.
Mrs Montgomery, we did say
there was a very slim chance
your father's operation
wouldn't be successful, didn't we?
Oh, my god, how is he?
There's no easy
way to say this, erm...
Your father developed
complications
following his medical procedure,
and I'm afraid to have to
tell you that he has died.
No! [Cries]
I'm-I'm terribly,
terribly sorry.
Oh, god!
Hey, Dennis.
- Is that Rob?
- Yeah.
The sitting on the
lap thing doesn't work.
- Really?
- Yeah, they still cry.
- Ok.
- Alright. We still on for dinner?
- Absolutely. See you there, mate.
- Ok, see you at eight. Cheers, mate.
Oh, my god.
Sorry, I-I couldn't
help but notice,
but, erm, is your son
the one on his own?
Yeah, yeah, he does find it
a bit difficult making friends.
It's a shame, isn't it?
Because he'll probably
never really fit in, will he?
You know, doomed to be a loner.
Socially isolated.
Emotionally dysfunctional.
As he gets older, he'll
become bitter, resentful.
'Why won't the world
listen!' He'll think.
Then one day it'll all become
too much, he finally snaps.
[Imitates gun shots]
[Laughs]
Or, you know,
he's gonna be fine.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Nothing like a good sauna to get
you going in the morning, is there?
Sauna?
Yeah.
That's not a toilet?
No.
Have a good sauna.
- Is this us?
- You know it is.
[Mumbles] You're so
f-ing moody all the time.
Are you ok, uncle Jack?
It's no good.
You've only had three and
I've had a fucking shit load.
You're gonna have to drive.
I'm only 12, uncle
Jack, I can't drive yet.
Of course you can.
I've seen you driving
that car of yours
around all the time at home.
That's my remote control car.
Same thing, innit?
No.
Listen, I'm going
to level with ya,
I'm fucking shit faced.
If I drive this car,
I'm gonna crash it.
Whatever.
Take the keys and get in here.
I'm gonna have a piss.
Oh!
What-what you looking for then?
Stop it.
You fucking...
That's not right.
Which way now, uncle
Jack? Which way? Quick!
Huh?
Shut up, you can
see I'm trying to sleep.
[Car horn]
Fuck-fuck-fuck off.
- That was delicious.
- Don't sound so surprised.
Oh, no, no, no. I'll do these.
- Are you sure?
- Positive. You stay where you are.
Aww.
This is all very
gentlemanly of you.
You know that most men
only offer to do the dishes
when they're trying to
get into a lady's knickers,
which is so
ridiculous, obviously.
I'm so glad
you're not like that.
You're such a good
friend, I feel safe with you.
Hello, police.
[Deep voice] Hello, there's
a burglary in progress
on the warleigh's industrial
estate. Please hurry.
Ok, sir. Er, can you tell
me what they're taking?
Oh, gosh, just look
out the window now.
Oh, it looks like
they're stealing a lorry.
It's a red lorry.
Right, a red lorry. Right.
And, oh, oh, they're taking another
one, it's a yellow one this time.
Ok, a yellow lorry.
- Blimey!
- What?
Blimey, they're taking
another one. It's a red one.
Ok, right. Can I... Let me just
make sure I've got this-this right.
You wouldn't believe it,
there's a yellow one behind.
Sir, sir, up to now the
vehicles taken are a red lorry,
a yellow lorry, a red lor...
Oh, it's you, Karen!
This is Karen,
isn't it? Yes. Yes.
Oh, oh.
Come home, I'm bored.
No, I can't, I'm
at work, aren't I?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Who's your best flatmate?
- Oh, it's got to be you, hasn't it?
- Who's your best friend?
- Go away now though.
Who's the prettiest
person you've ever met?
- Leave me.
- [Hangs up]
- Who... who...
- Hello, police.
[Band playing jazz]
[Applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I once ran over a guy...
- [Jazz playing] - Who can
only have been in his early 20s.
Obviously I was very
nervous at the time,
and to tell you the truth, I'd
had quite a bit to drink that night.
Anyway, I left him
by the roadside
and went abroad for a few
weeks just to get my head straight.
Subsequently, my
agent found out he died
and I wrote this song for him,
which went straight into
the charts at number six.
Hit it.
I'll do the verse but do feel
free to join in with the chorus.
[Applause]
Cheers. Erm, ok, right.
Er, what can I tell you about Phil
that you probably don't already know?
Why don't I start off with a
story from the stag night?
So there we were, in
Amsterdam at three in the morning,
Phil's nowhere to be found.
Anyway, we finally
track him down,
and he is with two
of the fittest hookers
I have ever seen in my life.
You know, it's strange,
when you see an old friend as
the meat in a hooker sandwich,
you dunno where to look.
But, Phil, he was great, cos, bless
him, he just turned to me and he said,
what're you doing?
- What?
- You're upsetting her.
Sorry. Sorry, guys, sorry.
Sorry. Sorry, it wasn't
Amsterdam, it was Prague.
[Crowd cheer]
Sorry about that, guys. So,
anyway, Phil turns to me and he says,
"don't worry, mate, when
I'm finished with these two,
there's four more
waiting for us."
[Applause]
-Go on, tell them what happened next.
-[Laughs]
- Hello. [Giggles]
- Hello.
Hey, look, soph made you a card.
Oh, bless her.
I think that's meant to be you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that glitter?
Don't be such a baby.
I'm not being a baby,
I'm a glitter magnet, I...
Took me two weeks
to get rid of it last time.
Oh, she's be
heartbroken, you've got to.
[Sighs] Fine, give it here.
'To daddy, kiss,
kiss, kiss.' [Chuckles]
So sweet. So sweet.
[Chuckles]
What's up with you?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Maybe just have a
little... A little shower.
No, I'll be alright.
[Man] So, problem,
lateness in the workplace.
Solution?
Bus. Office.
Busoffice.
This 40 storey mobile workspace
will pick people up
from their own homes.
It can travel at
speeds of 1,000 mph
so, traffic permitting,
we can have the entire workforce
picked up in six to seven minutes,
and that's from all over the UK.
Any questions?
Erm, yeah, I've-I've
got a-a question.
Shoot.
What does any of this have
to do with the high court ruling
on storage tax proposals
for our company?
Nothing.
This is an office
that is also a very large bus.
Right. It's just that, erm,
I thought this presentation was about
the implications of the high court ruling.
Yeah, I mean,
I-I wouldn't worry,
I'm sure Darren
is-is getting to that.
No, that's it, I'm done.
You're-you're done?
Erm,
Darren, do you remember what
we-we talked about on Wednesday?
Wednesday, yeah. Er, you said that
there was gonna be a high court ruling.
That's right.
And you wanted me
to design a giant bus.
No. No.
Sorry. Erm...
How would this go under Bridges?
Bridges...
Right, well, we'd
better recall them then.
Recall them?
What... you mean
they're on the road?
Only four of them, yeah.
Other 12 are still at the depot.
There's a depot?
I assumed you'd
need one for the buses.
Well, that's great,
Darren. Brilliant.
Well-well done.
Sorry, is this not a good idea?
[Jazz music playing
in the distance]
Got the wrong house, haven't I?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bye.
Cheerio.
Rachel, would you mind getting
the milk out for me, please?
Yeah, sure.
What's this?
Oh, yeah, Jamie did that at
school, it's part of his new project.
The teacher asked the class to
each draw members of their family.
D'you know, when he brought
that home I just cried my eyes out.
Why's that, because
it's so totally shit?
No, I meant tears of joy.
Oh, ah, yeah, I see.
Can you get the milk
out for me, please?
It's not been easy
since Jane moved out.
She used to do
all the house work.
I mean, to be honest, I'd never
even picked up a hoover before.
[Groans]
Still, I'm coping.
Aww. [Laughs]
- Tickets.
- I can't believe you drove all this way.
Hey, I could see you
were in a bit of a jam.
You're a star, Rob.
It's what anyone would
have done in my situation.
Well, we really appreciate it.
- Chivalry's not dead. [Laughs]
- [Laughs]
So how can we thank you?
Erm, why don't you two kiss?
- What?
- What?
Just get off with each other.
- Now?
- Yeah.
Sort of, here?
- Kiss?
- Yeah.
- Kiss each other?
- Yep.
Shall I come to...
- Yeah, yeah, why not.
- Alright.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
Hello, police.
[Deep voice] Hello, I am
running very fast away from a...
-Karen, - a criminal.
I've got an armed robbery
on the other line, love,
can you get off the line.
- Who's on the other line?
- An armed robbery.
Oh, brilliant!
Where is it, I might
go and watch?
- Somewhere I'd rather be right now.
- What else have you got?
- [Hangs up]
- Hello, police.
[Indistinct chatter]
Women aren't interested
in nice guys anymore.
You know, they like a man
with a bit of an edge, a bad boy.
You've got to treat them mean.
I don't know.
Trust me, look.
See that woman over there?
- What, white trousers?
- Right.
Go up to her and make out
like you are a real bastard.
I guarantee she will
be putty in your hands.
- You reckon?
- 100%
alright.
- [Gunshot]
- [Screams]
[Crowd screaming]
Hi, I'm Sam.
Too mean?
- [Flinches] Too mean!
[High-pitched voice] Ok, yeah.
Yeah, let's go,
let's go quickly.
Listen, we're full
tonight, alright?
So I'm gonna leave
you to get on the entrées,
see how you manage being
thrown in at the deep end, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Good. Let's go, chop, chop.
Get these out of
service, yeah. Oi!
[Indistinct orders from chef]
What filling you using?
Er, what-what filling...
Excuse me.
[High-pitched] Higher.
Sorry?
You're gonna have
to say it higher.
Oh, right. Er...
[High-pitched] What...
What filling are you using?
Prosciutto, butternut
squash, truffle oil.
[Normal voice] Oh,
that sounds nice.
Sorry.
[High-pitched] I mean, that
sounds, that sounds good.
Got the truffle oil, Mel?
I think Sally had it last.
Not me, Katie's got it. Katie.
Yeah? Can I help
you with anything?
Do you know where
the truffle oil is?
Has it gone out
with the garnishes.
Come on, let's go, yeah.
More seasoning, please.
Good work.
Guys, has-has anyone
seen my De-boning knife?
Sorry, chef, still
familiarising myself
with the lay... Out.
Are you taking the piss?
No.
Then what the fuck is
wrong with you voice?
Noth... nothing.
You, my son, have
got an attitude.
You'd better buck your ideas up.
You'd better buck
them up sharpish.
Yeah? Or you'll
be out of that door.
Look at me. Capish?
Sorry. Sorry, chef.
Won't happen again, chef.
Get out of my sight.
- Get back to work all of you.
- Bastards.
[Chef talking indistinctly]
- Can I take your coat?
- Uh, yeah.
Sorry.
- Take a seat. Sit down.
- Thank you.
Have a sit down.
Do you want a glass of wine?
Er, yeah, yes, please.
Red or white?
Er, red would be great.
Ok. Ok, alright. Wait there.
[Footsteps]
[Sighs]
Mmm, we didn't have any wine.