Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 9 - Man Seeking Woman - full transcript

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(lively symphonic music)

WOMAN: Welcome back to our
coverage of the Joshies

live here on the
red carpet. Mike,

Mike, can we chat with you for a minute?

- Yes.
- How are you?

How are you? You look stunning.

The brilliant Mike
Scaggs is with me now,

nominated for the award that
everyone is talking about...

best man at Josh's wedding.

What is up?
(both laugh)

- How are you feeling?
- Humbled.



There's some great
dudes in this category.

Your friendship with
Josh has been a smash hit.

How did you decide to get
involved in the project?

You know, Josh first approached me

about ten years ago.

Uh, at the time, I was at a party,

slamming shots of Jager.

He walked up and was like,
"Can I get in on that?"

I was like, "Hell yeah, bro."

Now, you must be nervous about tonight.

The way I see it, it's all
up to the big man upstairs...

Josh.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, Josh Greenberg.

(orchestral flourish)



Passion, preparedness,

cool to hang with...

these are the qualities of a best man.

And the nominees are...

Doug, "The Extra Beer."

Hey, man, they gave me an extra beer.

- Want it?
- Sure.

Tom, "The Lift to the Airport."

Josh?

Oh, we should probably get going.

All right.

(speaking indistinctly)

Nikhil, "The Life Saver."

- (dogs barking)
- (yells)

- Oh, my God! Look out!
- (gunshot)

- (distorted) No!
- (dramatic music)

- (groans)
- Oh, my God.

- You saved my life.
- Of course.

You're my best friend.

When did that happen?

And, finally, Mike Scaggs,

"Ten Years of Friendship."

(cheerful guitar music)

BOTH: Oh! Boom!

- (cheering, applause)
- Thank you. Stop. Stop.

And the best man goes to...

Mike Scaggs, "Ten Years of Friendship."

Come on! Yes!

- ANNOUNCER: This is the first nomination...
- What?!

and first win as best
man for Mike Scaggs.

(laughing) We did it, man!

- Yeah.
- We did it!

Oh, gimme this. Oh.

This is for every guy
who's ever been told

he is weird for hanging out with Josh.

To all those dudes, I'm living proof.

It is all worth it. Dreams do come true.

- (string music plays)
- Ah, no, they're playing me off.

Uh, uh, okay. Wait, um... Uh,

thank you, Barry Sanderson,
Gina Gordon, Terry Stephens.

We did it, Terry! Uh, oh, shit.

Oh, what... Yeah! Uh,
uh, the whales. Right.

Um, every day, four whales are killed,

and that's way too
many, so, uh, you know,

donate to that shit.

I want to thank Cameron Crowe!
I want to thank Tom Cruise!

And I want to thank Josh!

He's my best friend in
the whole wide world.

We've been through everything, brother.

- I love you, brother.
- Okay.

Okay.

- Yes.
- Yeah!

(downtempo electronic music)

Aah!

(squeaks)

(growls)

Dude, I still can't
believe you picked me

- to be your best man.
- Of course, buddy.

You know me better than anyone else.

True dat. Ah, I'll get this.

Yes, we will have two burritos,

ultra nasty with extra drippings,

butt blaster sauce, extra blasty,

and a couple of thick-boy IPAs.

Ah, I'm-I'm trying to cut
down on the butt blasting.

Uh, can I just get, like,
a... maybe a fish taco

- and a bottle of water?
- (cackles)

Yeah, right. Good one, bro.

- Oh, my God.
- Bon apple-tits.

I got food poisoning
last time I was here.

Yeah, their meat is old.

Got your bachelor party all mapped out.

6:00 p.m., party starts.

8:00 p.m., blackout drunk.

10:00 p.m., blackout drunk again.

Midnight, party starts.

- What? Yeah.
- Yeah, I mean, that...

- Yeah.
- That-that all sounds, uh...

- overwhelming.
- (laughs) Oh, yeah, big time.

- (laughing)
- Oh, I know.

Eat that shit.

(groans)

You should probably get going soon

to that strip club.

Traffic around the
airport's always crazy.

Yeah, you're right. (sighs)

What's the matter?

I am just dreading this bachelor party.

I'm gonna be stuck there
all night, unable to leave,

and all I feel like doing
is staying in with you

- and watching Shark Tank.
- Oh, come on.

There's plenty of time to do that.

Relax, go hang out with Mike.

How bad could it be?

- (airplane flies overhead)
- ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

- Aah!
- ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug!

Aah! (all cheer)

- Whoo!
- There you go, baby!

- Aah!
- Yeah!

(all yelling) Whoohoo!

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

Feels like it's probably got to be

almost last call, right, boys?

No way, dude. This place is 24 hours.

- It's what?
- Lock the doors

- and throw away the keys, baby.
- Oh, no!

Yeah! Whoo!

- Can I, uh, make a phone call?
- No problem.

- But, Greenberg...
- Yeah.

Be quick about it.

(foreboding music)

(melancholy string music)

(door slams shut)

- How you doing?
- Uh, hanging in there.

- How's life on the outside?
- It's fine.

Uh, I just, uh, finished an
episode of Shark Tank.

This guy pitched these socks
that you can kinda draw on,

so, like-like, you can,
like, customize the socks

and, like, write things on the socks...

like, if you're on a team... (sobs)

Oh, God...

I'm sorry. Did you want me to wait?

No, no, you... you
need to live your life.

From now on, just pretend I'm dead.

Don't talk like that.

You don't know what it's like in here.

You don't know what it's like.

What's that mark on your face?

Josh, did someone hurt you?

- It's nothing.
- What happened, Josh?

A titty hit me in the face.

(sighs) Oh, Josh.

I don't suppose the, uh,
governor's answered my letters.

- No.
- That do-nothing son of a...

Josh... Hey, hey, hey! Josh! Hey.

- (whispers) Hey, hey, hey...
- (sobbing)

You stay with me. Stay
with me, all right?

Listen to me, okay?

You do whatever you need to do
to get through this, all right?

You do your shots, you
take your lap dances,

and you come home to me, all right?

But, Josh, don't do
anything stupid, okay?

Aah! (laughing)

Greenberg! Uh-oh, there we go.

- Yeah.
- Starting to get

a little bit worried about you, buddy.

- Oh, no, I am-I am here...
- (all laughing)

And-and having, uh, lots of fun.

That's what I like to hear.

Bartender, give us five
of your grossest shots.

We want the shit nobody buys.

- (cackles)
- (all laughing)

Whoo! (cheers)

Mm.

Yeah! Drink up,
shitbirds. Let's do this!

- Where's Josh?
- I think he went that way.

Joshie!

Josh.

Josh!

God damn it, where is he? (grunts)

(bottle clatters into distance)

What the hell?

(whispers) No.

Josh? Josh?

(roars) Josh!

Hey, man, could we go
ahead and cut the cake?

- (whispers) Whatever.
- Cool.

I'll start the traditional way
by separating the two halves.

(melancholy piano music)

Perfect.

Okay, great. Excellent.

Tom will be here. Liz will be there.

The bridesmaids are here.

Uh, looks like the only thing
I need now is the best man.

- Yeah.
- Still no best man?

Uh, no, no, he... he
still hasn't made it yet.

Okay, so wait. Why isn't Mike here?

Ah, you know him, he's...
he's a real party animal.

He's probably just hungover.

I thought you guys quit
at, like, 10:30 last night.

I-I... I quit
at 10:30 last night.

It's a possibility they might
have gone a teensy bit longer.

- Josh, you bailed?
- I didn't bail.

- I did not bail.
- Josh. (mouths)

Yeah, okay, they think
I did. Just, I'd like...

it's not a big deal. I left a bit early.

Who cares about some stupid party?

Who wants to see the
bachelorette party pictures?

- Oh, my God, me, me, me, me, me.
- Oh, my God,

that was the craziest
night we've ever had.

But also the most important.

It cemented our friendship forever.

Guys, I feel the exact same way.

I know we made you do a few things

- that made you uncomfortable.
- But you suck it out.

And the significance of
that was not lost on us.

Yeah, I feel like this conversation

could probably happen some other time.

Lucy, we love you. And
because of that night

and, like, how long you stayed...

- Oh, for (bleep) sake.
- we always will.

Aw. You guys, I love you too.

- (squeals cheerfully)
- (giggles)

(whimpering)

Okay, I get it. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I left early.

But it's not a big deal.

Mike doesn't hold grudges.

(eerie string music)

Aah!

(dramatic orchestral music)

(ominous musical flourish)

All right, Nana, there you are.

- You're all set.
- Joshie.

Joshie, we may have
a teensy little issue.

- What?
- Mike is finally here.

But while we have a seat for him,

we don't have any for his henchmen.

For his-his henchmen? What?

(cackling)

(sinister music)

Okay, boys, it's showtime!

- Go get him, boss.
- Yeah! Show him.

Who the (bleep) are these guys?

Mike, are you... are you all right?

Never better, Joshie boy.

Sorry to crash your little party.

Well, you didn't crash
it. You were invited.

It's... You're the best man.
This is a wedding rehearsal.

- (cackling)
- What are you...

Ah, champagne. Don't mind if I...

don't!

- That's kinda wasteful.
- (cackles)

(screeching)

- Can you please just calm down?
- Oh, I wish I could,

but... (sniffs)

something's burning.

(chuckles) Toasts.

"A" is for "amour," which
Josh and Lucy truly feel.

"B" is for "belonging."

That's right. As soon as Liz is done,

my toast is gonna blow
this place sky high.

(laughs) Yeah. Clock's ticking, idiot.

- Who are you?
- "E" is for "embark."

- Their new journey has begun.
- I'm pretty sure our email said

we have to keep the speeches
between three and five minutes.

Length is the least of
your worries, Joshie boy.

This card's about your herpes scare.

- Oh, my God.
- This card's about ISIS.

- Why?
- This deck of cards

is what can only be
described as wheelchair humor.

(ominous musical flourish)

Mike, you're being an asshole, okay?

You're gonna ruin my rehearsal dinner.

- You ruined my bachelor party!
- I'm sorry I left, okay?

But can you really blame me?

Who the hell wants to get blackout drunk

- at a shitty strip club?
- Well, you do,

or at least you used to.

Yeah, used to! Used to!

I don't like doing that shit anymore.

Yeah, or is it that you
just don't like me anymore?

Why are you so hung up on this?

It was just a party.

No, it wasn't just a party, man.

It was our last chance to hang out,

and you left without
even saying good-bye.

- (sighs)
- And finally "Z."

"Z" is for "Zarathustra,"

which I think speaks for itself.

(scattered applause)

Are there any other toasts?

Please...

Don't worry.

I'm not gonna ruin
any more of your life.

I... (sighs) Mike...

Mike, can I talk to you
without your neon beatniks?

Mike?

(sighs) Hi. Mike, it's me, uh, again.

I'm-I'm really, really sorry, man.

I mean it. I'm-I'm sorry.

Just please call me back, please.

- (sighs)
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Any luck?

Uh, no, no, I think
he's still pretty upset.

Well, you know what? I'm sure he is,

but just give him some time, okay?

He's gonna forgive you.
You're his best friend.

(dramatic music)

MIKE: After much consideration,

I have decided to retire
as Josh's best friend.

Mike, how can you just walk away?

You're the greatest ever, and
you're still in your prime.

Had a great career, you know,

set a lot of best friend records...

most consecutive hangs,

also grossest bare-ass
fart to Josh's face.

It's one I believe
may never be broken.

Uh, but there's more to life
than being Josh's best friend.

Yeah, I want to spend
time with my family,

explore some business opportunities,

and also pursue my other lifelong dream.

- What dream?
- To play professional baseball.

(all gasping and murmuring)

I am thrilled to announce
that I have just signed

a minor league, non-guaranteed contract

with the Chattanooga Mud Dogs.

With any luck, I will accomplish
just as much in baseball

as I did being Josh's best friend.

- Thank you.
- ALL: Michael!

- Thank you, Mikey.
- JOSH: What?

I didn't know Mike played baseball.

I mean, he played
softball at middle school,

and he was terrible.

Okay, um... Uh, Lucy, I know

we still have, like,
wedding stuff to do, but...

Josh, Josh, this is important, okay?

(bright acoustic guitar music)

- Go to Chattanooga.
- (whispers) Yeah.

(both sigh)

I love you!

Okay, hustle up, y'all!

Let's practice.

Practice makes perfect, right?

Ah, love me some drills, right, baby?

(pastoral music)

Doing a no-hitter today, right?

Come on, come on. Hit me! Come on.

Come on. Aah!

(groans)

Mike! Mike! Can you sign this?

Sure, kid, what do you
got? A baseball poster?

Nah, it's from your old
days as Josh's best friend.

That was a good year.

Sorry, kid, I don't do that anymore.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I need to do batting.

All right, Guerrero, don't hold back!

- (grunts)
- (clapping)

Yeah, nice... nice swing.

- What do you want?
- Just want to apologize, man.

Nothing to be sorry for,
man. It's better this way.

We're both doing exactly
what we were born to do.

You're marrying Lucy,
and I'm playing baseball.

MAN: Oh!

Uh, I've probably done enough batting.

Mike, I-I totally believe you have

exactly what it takes to be a
professional baseball player.

- Obviously.
- But I need you on my team.

Dude, you don't, okay?
You're a full grown-up now.

It's like I don't even know
how to be your friend anymore.

Hey, you remember...
remember freshman year

when you and I would each
pound, like, 12 beers a night?

- Yeah, that was great.
- It-it was.

Uh, and then I was like,

"I don't think I can do this anymore.

I'm literally gonna die
from alcohol poisoning."

It was the end of an era,
but it wasn't the end of us.

Why? Because you
came up with the idea

- of smoking pot every day.
- That's right.

God, it was hard at first. Scary.

But we stuck with it, and
we eventually leveled out.

And-and if we can go through
a huge change like that,

what can't we deal with?

You came all the way to
Chattanooga to tell me that?

- Yup.
- Wait.

Aren't you worried about
missing the wedding?

No wedding without my best man.

Well, Coach, it's been a crazy ride.

It's no secret we didn't
always see eye to eye,

but even though I'm
leaving the clubhouse today

and I won't be there
for the doubleheader

against the Water Bears
and the Sky Grizzlies,

I want you to know I will always
consider Chattanooga my home,

and I will always,
always bleed Mud Dog blue.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...

You're out.

(indistinct chatter)

BOTH: Hey!

(both laughing) Ah,
they're gonna miss me.

Yeah, for sure. I know I do.

Yeah, hey, I miss you too, buddy.

MAN: Oh! The same spot!

Yeah.

(bright acoustic guitar music)

Pound it. (laughs)

Wow, cool, there's a poster of us?

Yeah, man. You want one?

- I'd love one.
- Hey, you know,

I'm making a movie with Bugs Bunny...

Uh, okay, excellent.
So Tom will be there,

Liz will be there, and
then, uh, the best man,

my best man, will
be on that spot right there.

Uh, w-what if I don't hit my spot?

- Does it have to be exact or...
- Nah.

Just kinda know your general area.

Right, right, right, got you.

Uh, and then the music begins,
you'll walk down the aisle

at a slightly slower-than-normal pace.

- Okay, like this?
- Eh, no.

No, no. Slow-slower than normal...

- um, deliberate.
- Ah, shit, bro,

- what if I blow it?
- Mike, you're gonna do great.

- (sighs)
- Here, take my arm...

- Okay.
- We'll do it together.

- (gentle acoustic guitar music)
- BOTH: Hm.

♪ Ooh ♪

Hey, I've been meaning to ask you,

when did Nikhil get shot?

Oh, I never told you that story?

- No!
- Okay.

So last month in Caracas...