Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 5 - Man Seeking Woman - full transcript

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(knocking)

Hi there, Mr. Powell.

Hello, uh... guy.

- Sit. Have a seat.
- Okay, sure.

So a big client is coming
in today from out of town,

and I need you to...

entertain him.

Oh, wow, yes, I-I'm
honored that you'd ask.

So what are we thinking?

Steak dinner or...

No, he's a bit of a sports buff.



Ooh, okay, great, yeah, we
could maybe take in a game.

I'll level with you.

This client of which I speak,

he's grown tired of conventional sport.

In fact, the only game
that thrills him anymore

is the most dangerous game of all.

Hockey?

This gentleman... he likes to hunt man.

Oh, yeah, okay.

That's-that's a wrinkle.

Uh, will-will he be hunting me,

or will he and I be pairing up?

- It'll be you.
- Gotcha, cool, cool.

(phone buzzing)



- Sorry, sorry.
- You should take it.

Get your affairs in order.

Tha-thank you.

Good-bye.

- Josh, I got a gig.
- What?

- Really?
- Yeah, this ad agency,

they want me to do some
big national campaign.

Oh, my God, this is so...
this is so exciting.

I know, right?

How's work for you?

Uh, you know,

same old, same old.

- (laughs)
- Uh, I-I got to go.

Congratulations, I love you.

(downtempo electronic music)

♪ ♪

Ah!

♪ ♪

(squeaks)

♪ ♪

(growls)

♪ ♪

Man, it's so cool this agency's already

inviting you to parties.

Yeah, it's great.

Do you think there will be shrimp?

Maybe.

Am I dressed okay?

Are you crazy?

You look incredible.

Thanks, I just-I really want to
make a good impression, so...

Listen to me.

You are brilliant, the agency loves you,

you look beautiful,

and there's a strong
possibility of shrimp.

This is gonna be an awesome night.

- Thanks, honey.
- Of course.

- All right.
- Okay.

(upbeat music playing)

Oh, wow, look at this place.

Everyone here's so cool.

- It's Lucy!
- Hi!

Lucy, I am so glad you came.

This is Sonia.

She just got back from
a shoot in Iceland.

Oh, how was that?

Honestly, cold.

(laughter)

And, of course, I have
to be in Rome on Friday.

- Shrimp?
- Oh, wow, you're going to Rome?

- I've always wanted to go.
- Shrimp?

Xavier here is a copywriter. Amazing.

And this is Lucy. We snatched her up

for the new headphone campaign
because she's a freaking genius.

Thank you, that's so nice.

And I am Josh.

(gasps)

You have to meet Patrice.

She's the creative director
at our New York office,

and she loves your work.

Oh, my God, I would love that, yeah.

So you guys like, uh, shrimp?

Can I get a beer, please?

Can I get a...

Does this do anything for you?

Another white wine, please.

Thank you.

(sighs)

Um, is this seat taken?

(ominous music)

No?

(sighs)

Parties.

♪ ♪

Well, those are cool action figures.

I-I actually had some just like that.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

Can I tell you a secret?

Okay.

I see unsuccessful people.

Like, when you're asleep or...

When-when you're awake?

Just, like, at bus stations,
in the mall, or what...

Everywhere, walking around,

like regular people.

They don't know they're unsuccessful.

What? When was the
last time you saw one?

Right now.

That guy tells people he's
going to culinary school,

but he's just getting high and
watching the Food Network

in his parents' basement.

That woman thinks she's a writer,

but McSweeney's disagrees.

That man tells people
he's a massage therapist.

I wouldn't be surprised if
he's just giving handies.

Those poor people.

They don't know their lives are over,

that they're already dead.

How do they not know
they're unsuccessful?

Walter?

Who are you talking to?

♪ ♪

No one.

What?

(dramatic orchestral music)

Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

No.

(distorted): And I am Josh.

♪ ♪

I see unsuccessful people.

♪ ♪

No.

- No. No, no, no, no!
- (exclaiming)

Boom. In your eyeball, dawg.

You suck ass at this game.

- It's embarrassing.
- What is that?

- That's eight in a row?
- Mm-hmm.

What is going on, man?

Ah, it's-it's Lucy, man.

She's got a new job, which is...

that's a good thing; it's a good thing.

But she's, like, hanging
out with all these cool,

successful people, and I'm worried

she's, gonna, like,
outgrow me, you know?

Is that-is that crazy?

Dude, come on.

Of course she's gonna outgrow you.

Hmm.

And probably, like, pretty soon.

Oh, cool.

Hi. Hi.

Josh, how fast can you get ready?

'Cause we just got invited to dinner.

Oh, um, I don't think
I need to remind you

it's leftovers day, and the
lasagna's about to turn.

Celeste just got us a
table at Fork and Twig.

- Ooh.
- Oh, who's Celeste?

She's the publisher. Her
husband's the architect?

- These are people we know?
- Mike, you should come too.

Psh, hell yeah.

Place has four dollar signs on
Yelp, so you know it's good.

It's gonna be so much fun.

Yes, and we get to see Celeste.

I don't think I can afford this.

Relax, man. How expensive could it be?

(laughing, indistinct conversations)

No, no, thank you.

Tap water, tap water all night long.

You know, had, like, a
pretty serious lunch,

so I'm not that hungry.

Maybe-maybe you and I
just share something.

Oh, well, it's tapas style,
so we can share everything.

It's... What do you mean?

Well, they're little share
plates, which is great,

'cause then you can just
get whatever you want,

as much as you want, and we'll just

- split the bill at the end.
- We-we split it?

- Like, equally?
- Mm-hmm.

Did you want to settle up
for your drinks at the bar?

Nah, just transfer it to the table.

What?

In fact, we'll do one more round?

Yeah? And then we'll
switch over to the pinot.

- Who's drinking wine?
- Uh-huh.

- Yup, you know it.
- Oh, I like this guy.

All right, two bottles of that to start,

and then how we feeling about apps?

Maybe we save room for our mains.

Don't worry, they're
all very, very small.

Well, in that case,
we'll do two of each.

(dramatic music)

Whoa, oh, yeah.

(laughs)

♪ ♪

- This guy can order some shit.
- Get out of here.

(laughter)

(whoops)

♪ ♪

(laughter)

This place rocks.

You know what I'm saying, Josh?

Where's Jo...

(ominous music)

♪ ♪

Josh, you in here, buddy?

(adding machine clicking)

No, no, it can't be. It can't be.

Hey, man, what's going on?

I've been running the numbers.

Mike, this bill's gonna be a disaster.

A disaster the likes of
which we have never seen.

- Dude, it's gonna be fine.
- No, it's not going to be fine.

As you can see, we've got
appetizers coming in from here.

(beeping)

Bartender keeps sending out

more rounds from here and here.

(beeping)

And the mains,

mains are coming in from the north.

I've never seen them move so quickly.

We are looking at an
extinction-level event.

That means cash gone,
credit cards maxed.

Check from Nana? Wiped out completely.

I'm saying there will be nothing left.

- MAN: Who wants in on this paella?
- Oh, I do.

Wait, what? No!

Guess you guys hated that.

(laughter)

Can I tempt anyone with dessert?

Nope, nope, nope, we're fine.

We're all fine. Just the bill, please.

No, he's right, we are pretty stuffed,

though I could go for a
little after-dinner drink.

Who wants champagne?

Congratulations, Lucy.
The ad looks amazing.

- Oh, my God.
- That bottle's not gonna do.

What do you say, bottle for everyone?

Is that crazy? It's fun, right?

Why not? Bottle for everyone.

Oh, enough!

- (echoing thump)
- Josh.

Can't you see?

Can't any of you see?

Well, open your eyes and get ready,

because there's a bill
coming, and none of you,

none of you are ready for it.

Did you even think about gratuity?

Well, guess what.

There's more than six
of us at this table.

Do you know what that means?

It's automatic gratuity.

So it's not gonna be 10%.

It's not gonna be 15%. You
know what it's gonna be?

It's gonna be 18%.

18% tip!

This meal is expensive!

Oh, how we brought this on ourselves.

We brought this on ourselves.

The moment we ordered the extra avocado,

we turned our backs on God,

and now the chickens are
coming home to roost.

And you all think I'm crazy.

I'm your crazy dancing jester.

You all think I'm crazy!

I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy.

Sorry.

Joshua.

Yeah?

I can pay for us. It's fine.

- Whoa, seriously?
- Yep, it's fine.

Oh, cool.

So...

cheers to my girlfriend, Lucy.

(thunder booming)

Eee.

Yeah, I'm on her card too.

(knocking)
JOSH: Yeah, oh, I'll get it.

Good morning!

- Hi.
- I was just

in the neighborhood, and I hoped I could

- tempt you both to brunch.
- Brunch?

What a great idea. Lucy,
would you like brunch?

Um, I'm buying, how about that?

I'm buying. We go to that
diner under the freeway.

You know what? I actually just think

I'm gonna go for a walk.

- It's nice to see you, Liz.
- Hi.

- Yikes.
- Yeah.

I just... I don't know how I...

I can make it up to her, you know?

I... Maybe, maybe I sell
my comic books, some...

some of my comic books on eBay

and then use the money I get from that

to buy her some jewelry.

Josh, Lucy's not with
you because you're rich

or successful or because
you have a cool job

that's interesting or pays well

or because you're worldly or
have an interesting style.

- Okay.
- So if you're gonna

give her a present, it
should be from the heart.

Maybe you should make her something.

Ooh, she's an artist. She'd love that.

I'm-I'm not good at making things.

That doesn't matter. It's
the thought that counts.

Huh.

The thought that counts. Yeah.

Yeah.

(upbeat orchestral music)

♪ ♪

All right, uh, haven't shown
it to her yet, but...

I think it might be pretty good.

- I'm so excited.
- Yeah, bro.

It's cool you made her something.

Thank you so much.

Without further ado,

I give you

"Bowl of Cherries on an End Table."

- Uh...
- Um...

- Wow.
- It is so special.

Thanks, thank you.

Looks like you used a lot of color.

Mm.

Really looks like

you used a lot of paint.

Thank you, yeah, I did.

Um, Mike?

Dude, I gotta be real. It's not great.

Okay, well, that-that's not
constructive or helpful.

What-what part specifically
don't you like?

If I'm being totally honest here, to me,

it kind of looks like a picture
of you sucking a dog's dick.

Hmm.

Wow, I-I don't see that at all.

Which bit?

Ah, well, uh,

the dog's head is there, you're there,

and that's clearly the dog
dick going into your mouth.

Hmm, every painting is
open to interpretation.

What about the speech
bubble there where the dog

is literally saying,
"Woof, woof, cowabunga.

Thanks for the blow job"?

That-that was meant to be a cherry.

They're all cherries.

That's a cherry. That's
supposed to be a ch...

Uh, Liz, help me out here.

Um...

God damn it, now I see it.

It looks like a painting of
me sucking a dog's dick.

And the dog is saying,
"Woof, woof, cowabunga."

Thanks for the blow..." Yeah, okay.

Let me rectify. Just do
a last-minute alter-oo.

Hmm.

Okay, what about that?
Is that any better?

- Working for you?
- Well, now you're just

giving a thumbs-up.

Makes it look like you're
really enjoying it.

Like it was your idea.

And the dog is just going along with it.

Damn it, I should throw
this in the garbage.

Although, Liz, you did say,

"It's the thought that counts."

I was wrong.

Oh, shit.

Josh, what are you doing?

Uh, nothing, nothing.
Everything is normal and fine.

- Jesus, all right, great.
- Okay, fine, wait, look.

I know I messed up at the dinner.

I did. And so I tried to paint you

a thing... 'cause I
know you like cherries.

It was supposed to be
a bowl of cherries,

but I can't even do that right.

One more classic Greenberg failure.

Josh, what is going on with you?

I don't have, like, a cool job.

I don't make a lot of money.

I am, at best, a B-plus painter.

And yeah, I'm just
treading water trying to,

like, keep up with all
your cool new friends.

Stop trying, okay?

Stop trying to be some cool, new dude.

You're driving me crazy.

Just please, please
just be guy that I met.

I miss that guy.

A lot.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I could
try a bit harder at,

you know, not trying.

Okay.

Can we go in?

Hey, uh, you want to know
something kind of embarrassing?

Uh, that-that painting

was actually my best one.

There were worse ones than that?

Oh, yeah.

This one was supposed
to be a bowl of pears.

- Uh-huh.
- Yup.

This one was meant to be grapes.

I don't know how that happened.

This one was just a mango.

Literally just a mango.

So then I was like, "Maybe I'll
just paint me blowing an owl,"

in the hopes that it
would turn out to be,

like, a bowl of apples.

Mm-hmm.

No-no such luck.

Why is the owl saying,
"Woof, woof, cowabunga.

Thanks for the blow job"?

Shouldn't it be, like,

"hoot, hoot" 'cause it's an owl?

It-it should be "hoot, hoot," yeah.

Uh, I don't know.

I guess I have a style.

(chuckles)

Yeah, I think you do.

♪ Oh, Randy, leave it up to me ♪

♪ I'll pour the water
if you bring the tree ♪

Hey, thanks for coming with me

- to another one of these.
- Oh, I wouldn't miss it.

Lucy, you have to meet Edgar and Anna.

They just wrote an opera.

(hip-hop music playing)

Hello.

(ominous music)

Ugh, hello.

You're unsuccessful.

Okay, you know what, kid?

I might not make a ton of money

or have, like, a cool job,

but I'll tell you what I do have.

What I do have is a very cool girlfriend

who's very talented, and
she loves me a lot.

So you know what?

In my book, that makes me
pretty darn successful.

Your hair is stupid.

You're just, like, a
little shit, aren't you?

Guilty.

Josh, come here.

Guys, I don't think you really
met my boyfriend, Josh.

Oh, hey, so nice to meet you. I
didn't even see you come in.

- We've heard so much about you.
- Oh, cool.

- Shrimp?
- Oh, uh, yeah.

Don't-don't mind if I do.

(upbeat rock music)