Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 4 - Man Seeking Woman - full transcript

Lucy is horrified when Josh befriends her parents.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
- Lucy, it's here!
- Hmm?

- Uh, no, you open it.
- Yeah?

- I can't. I can't look, yeah.
- Okay, okay.

- Oh, nice.
- Oh, my.

- Wow, Lucy!
- Nice.

- That's amazing.
- Thanks.

I can't believe something you designed

is gonna be on, like,
billboards and stuff.

Yup, yup, and buses and t-shirts

and those annoying, like, pop-up ads.

Ah, I'm so proud of you.

- Thanks.
- This is so cool.

(pleasant music)

♪ ♪

(computer whooshes)

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

Hey, Lucy, glad you found a way

to turn that $5,000
computer into a telephone.


Yeah... yes, I did.

Um, I just wanted to thank you guys

for taking care of my
loan payment this month.

Uh, I'm totally gonna pay you back.

(laughs) Right.

No, really. No, I am.
I actually just landed

a major new client.
I designed the poster

for a pretty big music festival.

They, uh, pay you for that?

Of course they did. Yeah, um...

yeah, no, it's not a lot of money,

but it's exposure,
which is way more valuable

for someone like me, so.

Sure. I remember when I was

making your student loan payment,
they asked me

if it'd be cash, credit, or exposure.


When can we see you?
You haven't been home in ages.

Ah, wow, you know,
it's actually kind of crazy here

with, uh, with work and everything.

Surely you can take a
day off from the grind

now that you just saved $937.

Yes, I can.

Yes, um... what about this weekend?

Well, great. Settled then.

Yay. You look tired.

(light music)

♪ ♪

Oh, wow. Can't believe I finally

get to meet your parents.
You never talk about them.

Yeah, with good reason.

God, I'm really dreading this.

Oh, I don't know.

Seems like a pretty good... deal to me.

You got the money for your loan,

and all we have to do is spend
one night in this old house.

(ominous wind blowing)

(downtempo electronic music)

♪ ♪


♪ ♪


♪ ♪


♪ ♪

No, you don't understand,
Josh, this is an evil place.

There's a malevolent
energy swirling all around.

(scoffs) Malevolent energy?

Lucy, what are you talking about?

Passive-aggressive activity.

(ominous music)

Oh, ho ho! There she is!

Hi, Mommy.

Oh, so good of you to take the time.


- Well, hey, there.
- Hi there, Mr. Parker.

Ooh, firm handshake, good eye contact.

You've got the job!

Oh. (laughs)

Oh, you must be the Josh
we've heard so much about.


- Guilty.
- Guilty.

- Guilty, huh?
- Yup.

Well, then I sentence you
to let me carry those bags.


- Thank you. Thank you.
- Oh, I've got iced teas

for everyone.

- Mmm.
- Come on.

Your parents seem great!

Yeah, well, they're not.
They're super judgmental.

(dramatic music)

Oh, my God, look, look, look!

♪ ♪


My mom was just up in that window,

giving me a disapproving look.

Oh, that's just foolish talk.

It's probably just a trick of the light.

Here, I'll meet you inside there.

(spooky music)

Ah, it's just nice to
get out of the city,

I'll tell you that much.

Josh, Josh, look, look, look! Look!

- What?
- The picture.

I-I don't see a picture.


♪ ♪

This is the only picture
they have of me that I like,

okay, and it's in there?

Oh, it's probably just the wind.

The wind put it in a drawer?

Josh, come on, this is classic
passive-aggressive activity.

You smell that country
air? That's just...

(sniffs) It's refreshing,
is what that is.

(groans) Josh!

Ahh. (sniffs)


(dramatic music flourish)


(light rock music)

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

(sighs) Okay.

We should be safe in here.

(scary music)

What the heck?

Are you kidding me? The Broke, Confused,

Out of Control Kidz Guide to Finances?

This isn't mine.

Ah, it's probably just the wind.

No, Josh, it was moved here.

They're trying to send me a message.

A message about-about IRAs and 401(k)s.

You can see it. You can see it, right?

Hmm. All I see is a girl
who needs a vacation.

You think I'm crazy, don't you?

Hmm. Crazy adorable, maybe.

No, Josh! Josh, listen, okay?

This is real. This is real and-and,

and-and it's happening and
I'm gonna prove it to you!

Hey, hey, you're missing
the movie and the popcorn.

What are you doing, hiding away there?

Uh, who-who the heck are these guys?

(spooky music)

You want proof my parents are dicks?

- No.
- These guys are gonna

- get it for ya.
- Okay.

That's right, Luce, we are experts

in detecting
passive-aggressive activity.

If it's in this house
we're gonna get it on tape.

This stuff does everything.

This one picks up sighs.
This picks up sarcastic remarks.

This picks up eye rolls.

This one picks up ghosts.
Don't worry about that one.

Lucy, is all this necessary?
And why is there a camera

- pointed at the toilet?
- Okay, Josh, please.

Switching to night vision!

(electronic whoosh)

Lucy, we're-we're missing
all the fun, okay,

so let's just you and me go downstairs,

watch the end of Saving
Mr. Banks with your folks.

Josh, Josh, no, Josh, no.

You have to stay until
we find something.

Something concrete,
something you can't deny.

But I need to know how
they save Mr. Banks.



(machines beeping)

(movie music playing on the TV)

Look out, Mr. Banks.

Thanks, pal, you just saved my life.

♪ ♪

Damn it.


Hmm? What?

- What time is it?
- 10:20.

Still nothing. You want to call it?

That's... (coughs)

Wait a minute.

Wait, what is that? What's on the table?

Can you enhance that?

Ask and ye shall receive.

(typing clacks)

How long has that breakfast been there?

Let me just rewind here.

♪ ♪

Three hours.

Why would they put
breakfast out so early?

I will tell you why,

so that I would sleep through it

and they could make jokes
about how long I slept,

like, "Oh, nice of you to join us",

you lazy, unsuccessful loser."

This-this-this is proof.
Can you make me a copy of this?

- Already done.
- (groans)

Josh, hey. Josh, you want proof?
I got it right here.

(dramatic music)


♪ ♪

- Josh?
- (laughter)

- Ah. Give him a second.
- For me.

- That is not a...
- You give him half a second.

- Aw, well, I tried.
- I know, he thought about...

He's running a racket here.

- A career in the arts.
- How 'bout Spanish?

Can we use Spanish words like "si"?

- No, you can't use Spanish.
- No, of course not.

(scary music)

Nice of you to join us.

Oh, the dead have finally risen.

Yeah, look who's up at
the crack of noon there,



(whispering) That's
why you couldn't see.

You're one of them.

(pleasant music)

- Yeah!
- (both groan)

Gosh darn it, that's three in a row.

You're getting so good at Bananagrams,

it's losing its "appeal."

- (laughs)
- (groans)

I get it, "a peel."

Well, then I guess it's a
good thing we have to "split."

- (both groan)
- (laughs)

- That's a good one!
- Terrible.

Oh, you two.

Josh, do you want popcorn for the road?

- Ooh. Come on.
- Hmm, let me think on that.

Ooh, ooh.

- Yes, please!
- Yes, of course..

- I'll get it.
- I got it.

- (drumming on the table)
- Ah.

- (sighs)
- Oh.

Hey, you.

What are you doing out there?

- Whoa.
- I thought you were on my side.

Uh, I, I am on your side.

Are you? 'Cause it-it looked
like you spent the whole morning

with my folks, laughing
and ganging up on me

and making fun of me for not
coming down to breakfast.

Lucy, we're just "Bananagraming."

Not everything is, like,
a conspiracy against you.

(ominous music)

Joshua, c-can, can I talk to
you upstairs for just a minute?

- Oh, okay.
- Okay.


♪ ♪

(door closes)

♪ ♪


(crowd murmuring)

Oh. All right, Christ, Jesus.
All right, okay.

What the hell? Uh...

Lu... Lucy? Um, um...

What-what's... what's going on?

Mr. Greenberg,
you stand before us under suspicion

of being a parent sympathizer.

What? That's-that's, that's ridiculous.

Is it, Mr. Greenberg?

- Yes.
- Is it?

I will prove that this man
not only attended meetings,

but was found in possession
of parental literature.

(all gasp)

What? Uh, uh, what? Uh...

Mr. Greenberg, who gave you this book?

(muffled) Well, I don't remember.

- I-I don't remember.
- (feedback screeches)

Was it this man?

Shit. (stammers)

Um, I-I-I would like to
plead the Third Amendment.

You want to forbid soldiers

from quartering in private homes?

(stuttering) Uh, the 12th Amendment.

You want to revise presidential
election proced...

You know the amendment
I'm trying to get to!

Mr. Greenberg, who gave you this book?

No. I'm not gonna name names,

because this is a witch hunt,
and you know it.

Is it not true, Mr. Greenberg,

that my father gave you this book?

Is it not also true that
you have been posing

as a loyal Lucy-ist,
all the while fraternizing

and conspiring with the enemy secretly?

And is it not also true, Mr. Greenberg,

that you are in fact
a parent-loving pinko

- and a traitor?
- Okay, fine!

- It's true, I am!
- (all gasping)

I am! I did it!

I went to some of their meetings!

And I listened to what they had to say.

And you know what? It
sounded pretty good.

So maybe I am a parent sympathizer,

because I like your parents!
I like your parents.

I don't know why that's a crime.

They're nice to me.
They gave me popcorn.

They showed me a very good movie

that I will now never see the ending of,
all right?

I'm not gonna spend money just to see

the last 14 minutes of it.

No, I'm probably gonna end up
"Wikipedia-ing" the synopsis,

like an animal!

The point is your
parents are nice to me.

And by the way, they're
nice to you, too.

They did cover your
student loan payment,

didn't they? I mean, this whole time,

the only person in that house
who hasn't been nice is you.

(all gasping)

That's cool. Uh, yeah, you.

This whole time you've been
pouting in your room, Eeyore.

(crowd murmurs)

Yeah. Ever since we got here,

you've been acting really immature.

Really, Josh, I've been acting immature?

Okay, that's great.
You've been acting like somebody

- who should suck my dick!
- Oh, Jesus.

- Jesus Christ, Lucy, that's...
- You know what?

(bleep) all y'all can suck my dick,
all right?

Suck my dick. Suck my dick.
You, (bleep) that guy.

You, (bleep) eat me.

Can we talk about this?

What is there to talk about?

Okay? Surprise, surprise,
I'm on my own... as usual.

Wait, Lucy, I-I just... Can you...?

Okay, can I just...?
Can you guys move a little bit?

Wait, wait, Lucy, Lucy.

Wait, what the...?

Uh, Lu-Lucy!

Lucy! Lucy!

Oh, is she in the attic?

Yeah, uh,

is there, like,
a string that comes down, or...?

No, no, she takes it up with her.

- Hmm.
- I'd settle in.

- Could be a while.
- (sighs)


Luce, talk to me, please. Say something.

(wistful music)

♪ ♪

(door creaks)

(short laugh)

♪ ♪

(pleasant music)

♪ ♪



(blows horn)

Queen Lucy?


- Oh, how I missed you so!
- (laughing) Hi!

(both laughing)

Your Majesty.

Ruffala! Picklepop!

You've returned!

We haven't seen you in 20 years,

not since the time you ran away

because your parents threw
out your Play-Doh statues.

I'll never forget that night.

We howled at the moon and...

and did the wild monster
dance all night long!

Right, the wild monster dance!
Remember, guys?

All: ♪ Grakka gundda grakka snools ♪

♪ No more parents no more rules ♪


Oh, ha ha ha!

So, what brings you back to us?

I ran away again.

(laughs) Wait, no, seriously?

Come, let's travel to
the land of Biddle Bop

and eat 100 jelly pies!

Um, I totally would,

but my nutritionist has me off pies.

And Biddle Bop?

With the construction they're
doing on the bridge...

ugh, that's a four-hour ordeal.

I don't understand.
What happened to you guys?

You changed.

We didn't change, Lucy, we just,

you know, grew up, I guess.

Uh, wait,
so who are you running away from again?

My parents.

Jim and Carolyn? They're still alive?

Oh, that is such a
blessing. How are they?

They're driving me
crazy is how they are.

Look, look at this
stupid book they gave me.

Ooh, you're in for a treat.
That book changed my life.

What? No, that... No, no.

Listen, that's-that's not the point.

I don't need them to save me.

If I want to do an IRA,
then that-that's my business, right?

"Do an IRA"?
Do you even know what an IRA is?

Uh-huh, it's, like, um, a savings bond.

Do you want me to explain it to you?



All right, so, an IRA is an account

where you set aside a portion
of your pre-tax income...

up to 5,500 bucks a year,

or $6,500 when you hit 50.

That money comes right
off your taxable income,

which means... you guessed it...

instant tax refund.
That's free money right there.

Um, okay, I guess that makes sense.

You know what doesn't make sense?

Running away from your problems,

because they're never really out there,
are they?

They're in here.

Oh, that's a Hertzberg line.

I know that's a Hertzberg line.

He used that one on me.

Who's Hertzberg?

Oh, he's my therapist.

I mean, he was mine.

Now we all use him. He's amazing.

- I mean, I'm gay, obviously.
- Right.

But just saying that was impossible

before I went to him... just saying it!

And now, because of him,
I know that that's not all I am.

Yes, I'm gay, but I'm also a friend,

a monster, a-a Christian, a brother.

A damn good one, too.

Aw, thanks, Puff.

Lucy? Talk to me.

- Who's that?
- Oh, that's...

Um, that's... that's my boyfriend Josh.

- He sounds worried.
- And hot.

- Muffala!
- I know, I'm terrible.


Lucy... (sighs) I know what it's like

to hate your parents. I get it.

My dad was a monster,
but as far as I see it,

you got two choices.

You can run away and
scream and throw tantrums

until you've scared everyone
else in your life away

or... or you can grow up.

Oh, and next time you visit your folks,

definitely pop one of these.

It's one of my Xanax.
Every time I go home

I take one, like,
an hour before I get even there

so it has time to kick in. (chuckles)

It's monster size, so I don't know,

take a half, I guess. Whatever.

Thanks, Puffala.

(laughs) You got it.

(upbeat music)

Hey, can I drink with this?

Short answer, no.

Long answer, depends on the holiday.

(both laughing)

♪ ♪

Bye, guys.

- Bye-bye! (laughs)
- Bye-bye now.

- Hey.
- Hi. Yeah.

Uh, guess we should probably get going.

Josh, wait. Hey, I'm sorry.

- It's okay.
- No, it's not okay.

You were totally right, okay?

I like to think I have my shit together,

and then I spend ten minutes with them

and I-I feel like I'm a kid again,

like a-a stupid kid
who wants their parents

to say she's good enough.

Thank you for coming.

- Thanks, Daddy.
- (chuckles)

I suppose to you've got
to get back to the office,

or is Monday not a workday for you?

- (laughs)
- Oh, now, come on,

she's gotta go to work on
her little poster thing.

Um, great!

Well, thank you both
so much for having us.

Uh, you do know that it's not
a little poster thing, right?

- Josh, it's not worth it.
- No, no, it's a very big deal.

I mean, this is gonna be on billboards.

Something she did is
gonna be on billboards

and in newspapers, the...

The Reader, Time Out,
maybe even the Tribune.

- Hmm.
- We only get USA Today.

Oh, my God.
Well, then I guess you're missing out.

- Hmm.
- Yeah. Oh, Josh,

you don't want to forget
your popcorn for the road.

Actually, you know what?

I seem to have lost my
appetite for popcorn.

(Alvvays' "Archie Marry Me")

Boy, you were right,
your parents sure are

- passive-aggressive.
- Josh. Josh, wait.

What? What? Oh.

Oh, mmm. Mmm.

That's nice.

I love you.

(stuttering) I-I love you too.

♪ ♪

Hey, um...

can you drive? You wouldn't believe

how much Xanax I just took just now.

Oh. Yeah, no, not at all.

- Let's do it.
- Okay.

♪ You've expressed explicitly ♪

♪ Your contempt for matrimony ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Marry me, Archie ♪

I am a sex addict.

There, I-I said the words.

It took... it took ten
years, but there-there it is.

It... I'm addicted to sex.

There have been other women.

Um, one of Susan's friends from work.

I have not been safe.

Have you told your wife?


What's the worst that could happen?

She could leave me.

Like your mother left your father.

Oh, my God! Another breakthrough!

Hertzberg, you're a genius.

Unfortunately, we're out of time.