Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 1 - Man Seeking Woman - full transcript

Josh and Lucy fall in love but struggle with their living situation.

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[alarm blaring]

[moans]

- Whoop!
- [alarm dies out]

[playful music]

[crow squawks]

[thunder booming]

[crow squawks]

[sighs]

♪ ♪

[yelping]

♪ ♪



[slow-motion whooshing]

- [metal crashing]
- [cat shrieks]

Dumbass.

♪ ♪

- Oh.
- [electricity crackling]

[sighs]

- Puma!
- [puma snarls]

- Ooh! Aah! Get... no, no!
- [puma growling]

[struggling]

Why?

♪ ♪

So how was your day?

Pretty good.

[downtempo electronic music]



♪ ♪

Ah!

♪ ♪

[squeaks]

♪ ♪

[growls]

♪ ♪

[kisses] All right,
I have to go to work.

- No.
- Yes.

- Yes, got to.
- [kissing]

- Starfish. I got to do it.
- Okay.

- Don't leave me.
- I got to do it. Sorry.

[groans]

I think you still have some
clean shirts in the Josh drawer.

Hey.

Told you.

Can I have some of this coffee?

Yeah, of course. You can take the rest.

Mmm, thank you.

Aw, look at that.

Amazing.

Um, hey, did you get
that email I sent you

- about how cute you are?
- You're cute.

- No, you're cute.
- You're cute.

- You're cute, Mrs. Cute.
- Shut up. You're cute.

You're cute. I think
you're cute, Mrs. Cute.

- Me?
- Yes.

- Really? Thank you.
- You're so cute. [kissing]

[babbling and giggling]

Um, wha... uh, are you sure

that your roommates are, like,

cool with me being here this much?

Oh, my God, yeah, no, I've
known these guys, like, forever.

- They're super cool.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Okay, great.

Hey, top of the morning, uh, roommates.

Or, uh, Megan, should I say
"top of the Megan to you"?

Uh, Robin, Robin,

sorry again about last
night, about our moment.

Um, you really got to lock
that bathroom door, buddy.

I-I should have knocked,

but you should have locked.

Uh, it's a learning
experience for us both.

Uh,

Chris, all right, bring it in, buddy.

Give me one. One.

Two.

Three. Four.

It's four. There's always four.

Well, it's okay. It's tricky.

We'll figure it out tonight.

Uh, all right, guys.

- [kisses]
- Bye.

[footsteps depart]

[door shuts]

What?

[tense marimba music]
You know what.

He's here all the time, Lucy.

Yeah, he's my boyfriend.

Yeah, well, we're your friends.

You can't just let
boyfriends come in here

and stay as long as they want.

What do you have against him?

He eats all our food.

He drinks all our coffee.

He uses all our toilet paper.

He's a drain on our resources.

Okay, I think you're overreacting.

- Overreacting?
- Yeah.

He's not on the lease.

That means he's living here illegally.

You... come on, you guys aren't

gonna make this a big thing, are you?

- _
- [dramatic music]

Tough talk today from apartment leaders

who are calling for the
deportation of boyfriends

living illegally in unit 3R.

- I'm joined by Megan.
- Hi.

Megan, why is this such a
hot-button issue for you?

Well, Brad, I love our apartment.

I think it is the greatest
apartment in the world.

But if we don't start cracking down

on these undocumented boyfriends,

then pretty soon,
I tell you what,

we're not gonna have
an apartment left.

Now, Megan, I agree with you,

but how would you
respond to those who

claim that boyfriends make
the apartment stronger?

Look, this might not
sound politically correct,

but let's be honest, we're not getting

the best and the brightest here.

We're getting the
vermin, the criminals.

And that is why,
effective immediately,

our apartment will
be taking steps

to secure its borders.

[sinister music]

- Oh, man.
- Oh, come on.

[sighs]

Hi.

She's on the lease. Let her through.

Thank... thank you, sir. Thank you.

- Whoa!
- Ah.

Not you, illegal.

- Are you kidding me?
- Okay.

It's... it's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

I'll just, uh...

I'll go to the movies
or something; it's fine.

No, you know what? What
Megan's doing is wrong.

I'm gonna fix this. You stay right here.

- Okay.
- Right here, Josh.

Move!

Okay.

I can't believe you guys are doing this.

This is so hypocritical.

Chris, what about Ted?

Ted is here on a
three-day sex visa, okay?

He comes in, he does his
job, and then he leaves.

What is your problem with Josh?

If you just give him a shot...

He doesn't even speak
the language, Luce.

When we're all watching "The Bachelor,"

he's like, "Uh, me not understand."

Okay, whoa.

"There's more than one named Amanda?"

You do not have to do the voice.

It's what he sounds like.

Okay, I get it. You
guys don't like Josh.

But I do, so can you please
just give him a chance for me?

Maybe he could stay but just

poop at home instead of here?

No, Robin.

Josh isn't welcome here,

and he never will be.

Give it up, Luce, it's over.

[sly music]

We'll see.

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Yeah?

- Illegal?
- Yes.

You speak-y "The Bachelor," huh?

- What?
- Rose ceremony?

Fantasy suite? [chuckles]

I-I don't understand
what you're talking about.

- [chuckles]
- [cell phone buzzes]

- _
- [text messages chiming]

- _
- [lively suspenseful music]

- _
- [text messages chiming]

[panting]

Oh, man.

♪ ♪

[dramatic sting]

[shovel scrapes]

- Ah, ah.
- Josh, Josh.

- Oh, oh.
- It's me. Come here.

- Come here. It's okay.
- Oh, God.

- It's okay. It's okay.
- Agua.

- It's okay, baby.
- Agua.

It's okay. Here, here. Here, it's okay.

- Oh, it's so bright in here.
- [shushing]

Mmm. Mmm!

It's okay, okay. It's okay.

You're safe now. You're safe.

[intense music]
Ah!

- Go get him!
- No!

- No, no, no!
- [dog barking]

- No, no!
- [Josh screaming]

Back off, ma'am.

Back... off.

♪ ♪

[grunts]

Go back to where you come
from, you stinkin' boyfriend!

- Get out.
- You're disgusting, Josh.

- Go!
- No one wants you!

- Go!
- Listen to me.

Hear my words.

I first came to this apartment

with nothing but the shirt on my back,

my toothbrush, and my phone

and my phone charger, uh,

but through it all, I never
lost sight of the dream

of coming to this beautiful apartment

and hanging out with Lucy,
so, please, I ask you...

[yells]

Ah!

Jesus, Robin.

- [crying]
- No, no, no.

You did the right thing.

What?

- Just get out of here.
- Fine.

[Kishi Bashi's "Philosophize
In It! Chemicalize With It!"]

♪ ♪

We will.

- Lucy...
- Thank you.

Lucy, what are you doing?

- I am moving in with Josh.
- Hey.

You can't move to Josh's
place; it's not safe.

It's rife with drugs!

Plus, you guys, like,
just started dating.

I don't care. I'm doing it anyway.

- Come on, Josh.
- Are you sure you...

you... you want to move in with me?

Yeah. Absolutely.

♪ I will take you offline ♪

♪ Philosophize in it,
chemicalize with it ♪

♪ ♪

Eat it!

- [kisses] Hey.
- Mm, mornin'.

I hate to say it, but
I have to go to work.

- No, no.
- [laughing] Get off me.

- I have to. Ready?
- All right, fine.

I-I think there's some, uh,

clean shirts in the Lucy drawer.

You know what? I think
the shirt I'm wearing

is actually probably fine.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Hey, are you sure

you're comfortable here at my place?

I-I know that my humble abode

isn't as stylish as you're used to.

I don't care.

I'm fine as long as I'm with you.

[incoming Skype call chiming]

[exhales]

[Skype call connects]

Hey, dude, what's up?

Just calling to say
hi. It's been a while.

Yeah, yeah, you're right, sorry.

Josh and I have just
been, uh, settling in.

Hey, nice beer can collection.

Hmm? Oh, that's...

I'm not... they're just on...

Oh, my God, is that a lava lamp?

Um, give me one se... second.

I'm just... gonna find...

Hey! There.

I was thinking I could
come over sometime,

get the grand tour?

[tense music pounds]

♪ ♪

Yeah. Yeah, sure, come by anytime.

How 'bout tonight? I'll
bring Chris and Robin.

I'm sure they'd
love to see it too.

Sure.

Great, that's... that's great.

Great. See you at 8:00.

Stoked.

Okay. Bye.

[Skype call disconnects]

[dramatic music pounds]

[exhales deeply]

Hey, hey, good news.

I got the drawer out, so... what?

What... what is happening?

- My friends are coming over.
- Oh, cool.

No, no, no, no, no, not cool.
They're super judgmental.

You know them. The place is a mess.

Yeah? Yeah, I guess.

Okay, uh, no biggie.
Uh, we'll just clean up.

I'll go get the, uh, Swiffer.

[soft tense music]

Oh! What the heck are you doing?

What... what's going on?

Do you not get it?

If they see any of this
shit, we are looking at,

like, eight to ten years
of getting made fun of.

I can't take that, man.

I'm too weak.

Too goddamn weak, Josh.

[toy pig squeaks]

Uh, like, so...

not this, obviously; we're...

Oh, no, no, no, wait.
What are you doing?

There are still cheat codes in here,

still usable cheat codes.

[acid gurgles]

So, uh... just... is the... is the plan

to just...

throw everything I own into acid?

No, not everything's gonna fit.

Right.

You have to take care of the big boy.

The big... no!

Not my old futon.

Futy is one of my favorite things.

Plus, he turns into a bed,

so he's like two things.

We have to dismember him.

Jesus.

Start with the legs.

[whines softly]

Uh...

Ah, man.

[dramatic music pounds]

It's not coming out, man.

The Sriracha's not coming out!

[futon squirts]

Ugh, okay.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Don't you go soft on me now.

We're almost out of the woods.

[playful music]

Aah!

Robin.

[door creaks]

[sinister music pounds]

♪ ♪

Uh...

I...

got here early, so...

I walked around the block for a while.

But I have this ice cream cake,
and I didn't want it to melt,

so I thought I could
put it in your freezer

and walk around the
block some more until

Megan and Chris arrive, but...

I should have texted first.

I didn't mean to interrupt anything!

[thud]

Shit, she's awake.

I didn't see anything. I swear!

I won't tell Megan about the stained rug

or the Big Mouth Billy Bass.

Nope, in the water. On three.

- One.
- Oh, pl-please.

Shut up. Two.

Oh, shit!

Oh, [bleep], oh, goddamn,
shit [bleep] [bleep]!

- And...
- Okay, wait a second.

Okay, this... this is a bit much, look.

I think we're going a bit crazy.

I mean, I know I don't
live in the Taj Mahal.

Uh, but is my apartment really so bad

that you have to murder one
of your friends because of it?

[rapid footsteps]

Damn it. She's getting away.

What? Holy [bleep].

[gunshots]

[yelps]
[moans]

- [grunts]
- Ah.

It's fine.

If the currents don't
get her, the sharks will.

- [groaning]
- [ship horn blares]

[sighs]

Okay.

Oh, this place looks so much better.

We got a couple minutes
before Megan comes over,

so we can...

Are you leaving?

Yeah, uh...

I-I just don't really feel
like being here right now.

[tender music]
What? Why?

Uh, 'cause you spent
all day freaking out

over what a dump my place is, so...

I-I just... I wanted people
to like our apartment.

Uh, you mean you wanted people

to like your apartment.

Where you going?

Uh, to Mike's.

♪ ♪

[somber guitar music]

_

[cell phone chimes]

Okay, so I'm not King Fancy

with a leather couch
and a diamond chair.

Apparently, that makes me a loser.

- Sucks, bro.
- It does, man.

She just clearly doesn't accept me

the way that I am.

- Well, I do.
- Really?

For real, you're my
brother, and I love you, man.

All these guys love you.

[regal music and swordplay on TV]

We love you and accept
you just the way you are.

- Hey.
- Here.

- Thanks, boys.
- Yeah.

I appreciate that.

[knocking]

- Oh, hey, Liz.
- Hey, Lucy.

Is Josh here?

He left his retainer
at our parents' house.

Oh, um, no. I can take that.

Okay. Wow.

He's actually not here.

He's kind of mad at me.

I got rid of a bunch of his stuff.

- You got rid of Futy.
- Yeah.

Thank God. That thing was nasty.

I mean, I guess.

I, um... I just... I
think I really upset him.

And I feel like a jerk.

He'll get over it.

Wow. Where is Josh, anyway?

He's with Mike.

[suspenseful music]
Mike?

Yeah, they're probably just

blowing off steam or
something; I don't know.

Lucy, listen to me.

Mike is very dangerous.

Really? I-I met him once.

- He seems cool.
- Yeah.

That's the problem.

He's extremely charismatic.

He lures boyfriends in when
they're feeling vulnerable

and makes them feel accepted.

But it's all just so
that he can control them.

Before long, they're
his brainwashed followers

doing whatever he tells them.

[sighs]

Shoot.

All right. Where do
they usually hang out?

These days?

[ominous music]

Guyana.

[airplane engine roars]

- [insects droning]
- [birds chirping]

My bros, my bros.

Your girlfriends don't accept you.

They want to change you.

They want to make your
apartment look more "adult."

[men booing]

They want to make you a new dude.

But I accept you as
the dude that you are.

And I love you unconditionally. No homo.

- We love you, dude.
- You the man.

- Yeah.
- You the man, Mike!

No homo.

- Aah!
- Hey, hey, hey.

Jesus... what... what are you...
Lucy, what are you doing here?

I miss you.

Why don't... why don't we go home?

Because Guyana's my home.

Look, Mike accepts me the
way that I am, all right?

He never... he never had any
problems with my apartment.

Okay, Josh. Josh, listen.

I am so, so sorry about
how I acted, all right?

I-I was worried about
impressing my friends.

I didn't think about how
it might make you feel.

You...

you threw away my futon
without even asking me.

Yeah.

And it folds into a bed,

so it's like you threw away two things.

Yeah, I know. I'm so sorry.

Well, I hope your friends
at least liked the apartment.

Well, I... I told them not to come.

There wasn't any point if
you weren't there with me.

[soft guitar music]

A girlfriend!

Hey... oh, right.

A girlfriend among us!

We have been infiltrated!

Hello. [laughs nervously]

Oh, my bros, my bros, my bros!

This place is too dope!

They can't let it last!

There's only one option left.

Get the Kool-Aid.

[men cheering]
Yeah!

Now mix it with the vodka.

Quickly, now. Shots, my
bros! It is the only way.

[slamming podium] We must do shots!

[men clamoring]

Shots, shots, shots, shots!

The younger bros first, then the eldest.

Do you want to get out of here?

Well, you... you don't want
to hang out with Mike anymore?

Uh...

Oh, mother, mother,
mother, mother, please.

No, let's... let's go back to my place.

- Okay.
- Um...

♪ ♪

Let's go back to our place.

- Okay.
- All right.

♪ ♪

- [laughter]
- [upbeat music over stereo]

Well, hey, sick housewarming party, bro.

- Thank you very much.
- Yeah, oh, yeah.

Sorry I got a little
crazy the other day.

That's absolutely fine.

Every... everything
turn out okay, though?

No.

♪ ♪

To his bone, sliced it to the bone.

Hi. I was just telling Lucy

- the apartment looks amazing.
- Thank you.

Yeah, super interesting decor choices.

I haven't seen a lava
lamp since middle school.

Thank you. I really like it.

- Like it?
- [door opens]

♪ ♪

Robin!

Hi.

Where have you been?

What happened to your arm?

Yes, Robin, what happened to your arm?

Uh, I...

I, uh...

I...

I don't know?

You don't know?

[raucous laughter]

Robin, you're crazy!

I like this girl.

Normal. Everything's normal.

Ahh!

Is this the new futon?

- Yes, it is, in fact.
- Yeah, yeah.

We just bought it together.
It's my new favorite thing.

And... and you know it turns into a bed?

So really, it's like two things.

A couch that turns into a bed?

Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.

Yeah, right? All right, watch this.

Oh, oh, oh, okay.

- Okay.
- All right, ready?

- All right.
- Okay?

- On three.
- Yep.

- One...
- One...

both: Two, three!

[all cheering]

- Very nice!
- Okay.

[Caveman's "Never Going Back"]

♪ Just to see what's new ♪

♪ I wanna do what's right ♪

♪ Just to make it through ♪

♪ Till I'm wide awake ♪

♪ And the feeling's gone ♪