Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 6 - Man Seeking Woman - full transcript

Josh tries to prove to Rosa that he's a better option than her current boyfriend.

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- [snoring]
[birds chirping melodically]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Radical!
[alarm blaring]
- Whoa! What?
Oh, yeah! Nice!
Yeah!
Hi, there, Rosa. - Hey, there, Josh.
- Uh, I was wondering if you might like
to have lunch with me today.
- Oh, I'd love to...
but I'm going to have to take a rain check
because I'm having lunch with my boyfriend.
- How was your day?
- It sucked.
[alternative rock]
♪ ♪
- Mmm.
- Oh! What is that horrible smell?
- It could be--I just microwaved some curry I cooked.
- Please don't ever bring your curry here again.
- Sorry, Mr. Powell.
- Look, I know he's technically our boss,
but I think you should just... curry on, my friend.
- Hey, ah? Thank you very much.
Those are words to live by.
- [laughs]
- Yeah, I think I might have to curry on.
- Oh, yeah. Ooh! Eggplant.
- Mm-hmm. - Nicely done, sir.
- Thank you very much. Thank you.
- I used to always put eggplant in my curry.
- Cool. Wait, used to?
- Mm-hmm. - Why? What happened?
- No, I just, uh-- my boyfriend doesn't like curry,
so I don't really make it anymore.
- It's killing me, man.
I am so into this girl,
and we're--we're-- we're perfect for each other,
but as long as her stupid boring boyfriend is in the picture,
there--there's nothing I can do about it.
- Dude, there's always something you can do.
- Like what? I'm not gonna try and steal her.
- That's not what I'm saying.
All I'm saying is raise your profile a little bit.
Show her that, should she ever want to make a change,
you are a strong, viable candidate for a new boyfriend.
- Huh.
So I wouldn't be actively...
- Yep! - I--I'd just be sort of...
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
- Michael, that's very interesting.
Hey, there Rosa; I thought these
might come in handy, fresh from the supply room.
- Oh, thanks, Josh. That's so sweet.
- Hey, no problem.
- Oh, Josh. - Can we get a comment?
- Do you have a comment for News Wire? Listen.
We've noticed you've done a lot of nice things for Rosa lately.
Is there any truth to the rumors
that you're running for boyfriend?
- I don't know where you heard that.
I am more than proud
of my current position as Rosa's friend.
Rosa already has a boyfriend, which we all know.
Uh, do I agree with all of his policies?
Of course not.
His no-curry policy,
for instance, is not one I support.
- So, as Rosa's boyfriend, you'd eat curry?
- I would, indeed, but I'm not here to comment
on what might happen in the future.
My focus right now is on being Rosa's friend, period.
Speaking of which, I should probably get back to work.
I have some funny YouTube clips to send her over Gchat.
- Wait! One more question, Josh!
[all speaking at once]
- I'm sorry, folks.
That's all the time Josh has. He is a very busy friend.
[laughter]
- Ahh!
All right, guys. This is great.
We have to do this again soon.
- Josh! Josh! - One at a time, one at a time!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. One at a time!
Guys! - One--one at a time.
One at a time. Uh, Janet.
- Josh, are you trying to win favor with Rosa's friends
so they'll support you in a run for boyfriend?
- No, I--I-- that's ridiculous.
As Rosa's friend, I merely like to have
the occasional sit-down with other friends of Rosa's,
uh, so that I can stay abreast of the issues
that are important to them.
For instance, I just found out about
some great spots to get salad and about a play that has,
like, a deaf guy in it or something.
- Did the topic of her boyfriend come up?
- Oh, Steve. You're killing me.
I won't lie.
They--they expressed some concern
that he doesn't hang out with them as much as they would like.
Uh, which is a shame.
These are great people
with beautiful stories and unique voices
that deserved to be heard.
- All right, that's it, folks. Thanks for your time.
- Just one more-- - Dude, check the numbers.
Your approval rating with Rosa is way up!
Now is the time to pull out the stops and go at this hard.
- What does that mean?
- Got to go negative.
- [sighs]
- Hey, uh... you all good?
- Um...
Yeah. I just--
I wanted to try this new Mongolian restaurant...
- Ooh! - With my boyfriend.
And I don't want to be obnoxious and complain about it,
'cause you know he has all of those food things,
but we never get to go anywhere new, and it's just--
it's starting to get really... annoying, and...
Ugh, God! So sorry.
You're so not into this. It's so fine.
- No, I-- - It's not a big deal.
You don't have to listen to this.
- No, it is; it's about--I would assume that's got to be--
eventually got to get pretty frustrating.
- You know, there's just so much he doesn't eat.
- Well, I just--I know you love trying every different
kind of food, just like I love trying
every different kind of food.
So I can only imagine what that would be like.
- It's kind of like, how many nights in a row
can you have white rice and steamed vegetables? Ugh!
- Uh, no nights, no nights in a row,
if you ask me. - Yeah!
Yeah, no nights.
- No nights.
[upbeat music]
- The Dinnergate scandal rages on
with some critics now calling for Rosa's boyfriend to resign.
Presumed boyfriend hopeful Josh Greenberg spoke out
about the controversy this morning
while on a fact-finding trip in Iowa.
[applause] - In the America that I know,
boyfriends take their girlfriends
to Mongolian restaurants, all right?
They--they-- thank you.
- Greenberg also sat down with local farmers
to hear their thoughts on the issue.
- If you were her boyfriend, Rosa'd be a whole lot happier.
- I--thank you. I appreciate that.
- And there wouldn't be no mosque at Ground Zero.
- Hey, Josh, do you have a comment about the mosque?
- Oh, shit. Um...yeah, I-- well, I think--I think--
[upbeat music]
- And a breaking story now. This just coming in from Iowa.
Josh Greenberg has just received
a phone call from Rosa.
- I love game nights!
That's a big yes, yeah.
I will definitely be there.
Josh Greenberg never bails on a date.
- Josh, Josh! - Did you say date?
What does this mean?
- Josh, can you now officially declare
you're running for boyfriend?
- Hey, folks, all I can officially declare
is that I have a game night to attend.
- You heard the man. Back on the Fresh Talk Express!
[all speaking at once]
[cheers and applause]
- It's morning in America!
- [sighs]
Hey, Rosa.
Hey, Rosa.
So...you guys, uh, game for some games?
[laughs] No, I...
all: Oh!
- All right. Where do we put our bazaar?
- I suspect we should put our bazaar relatively close
to, say, the caravan, 'cause that way we can trade
goats for resources because you and I are very goat-rich.
- So I'm glad I'm on your team.
- And I think you are. - All the strategy!
- That's exactly right.
- Rosa, guess who decided to show up.
- Oh, my God! Yes, he came!
- Holy shit!
[exotic music]
- Hey, hey!
all: Hey!
- Is she--that's, uh-- is that Jesus Christ?
- They met at Dave and Buster's. He's really cool.
- What's going on? - It's been too long.
- I'm sorry it's been a while. It's been crazy at work!
- With the lepers?
- The lepers, you know, other stuff, you know.
They're really... - He cures lepers.
- Oh, good. Good. - Oh, hi!
Whoa! You must be Josh! - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's me, hi. - It's so good to meet you, man.
I'm Jesus. - Yeah, I know.
I'm--yeah, very familiar with you.
- Well, I'm very familiar with you.
- What? - You are famous in this house.
You're office manager, correct?
- I mean, you're Jesus Christ.
- Oh, come on. - So you're--you're--
you're the son of God... and God.
- It's so-- it's so complicated.
- Yeah. -It took me a while to--
- I don't even understand it.
- Yeah, right. - When it was explained to me,
I thought, "Okay, so I'm the son of God and I'm--and--"
at this point I'm just like, show me where to go...
and I'll do my job, and out I go.
Believe me, I'm going to... game night?
What are we doing here? I was thinking on the way,
what about "Celebrity"? - Well, we--
[all speaking at once]
You are great! - That's perfect.
- We had--no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Come on! - You did pretty well.
And you did pretty well. - No, I didn't.
- So why don't we do that. Write down names of celebrities.
- Hey, Josh. Are you coming?
- Uh...I don't--I don't know what "Celebrity" is.
- You can be with us. - I don't have to.
Uh, you know what? I'll just--I'll just, uh...
- Jesus, Rosa and Josh, we're gonna be the dream team,
and we're gonna kill these guys.
- JJR. - Yeah, because you're--
- JJR, come on! - Yeah, good, yeah, thanks.
- All right, guys. Nothing too obscure, okay?
- Uh...Elvis. - Elvis Presley.
- Yeah! - Doing great, Josh.
- Thanks. Uh...
Oh.
- Oh, Jesus! - You--
- Oh! - Who did that?
- Nate? - Maybe.
- That's embarrassing for me.
- I had to. - It puts me on the spot.
I'm not really mad, but just...no more.
No more from now on.
You're, uh, uh, on a wave?
Are you--California! Surfer!
A famous surfer! Do I know any famous surfers?
- I think we should pass. - No, no, no, no, no.
- I think we should pass. Just pick another.
All right, is it a-- a lady surfer!
- What? Oh, who are the female surfers?
- Uh, uh, Michelle Rodriguez. "Blue Crush!"
- Michelle-- Mm--"Blue Crush!"
- Time! - We are--
- It was-- It was Keanu Reeves.
- Keanu Reeves, Keanu Reeves!
- Oh! You should have done "Matrix!"
The whoa! - No, he was, you know,
he was doing the surfing, "Point Break," right?
- Oh! - You do "The Matrix."
- That's--that's on me. That's on me.
So speaking of Keanu Reeves, has anyone seen "John Wick?"
Did you ever seen "John Wick?" - Oh, no!
- No, not yet. - Favorite movie of last year.
- Oh, cool. - The director did stunt work
for 20 years. - Oh, cool.
- So the action is still- Josh, you would--
as a matter of fact...
- What? What?
Whoa! - I Torrented it, and--
which is fine because I do get the word out on this one.
Please check it out and... - Wow!
You don't have to give this to me.
- Watch it and then call me, and we're gonna talk about it.
- Thank you. - I'm serious.
I'm not doing, like, a fake, like, "Call me."
I mean, saying, "Call me." - Oh, yeah.
- 'Cause I think you, Josh, are going to like it
because I think we have similar taste.
- Oh, cool.
[laughter]
- Time.
both: Time, time!
- You lose. - It's--it's long enough.
So, uh, if you guys win this round,
we're going to play one more game and then...
- Anybody hungry, by chance?
- Oh, uh, I forgot.
Josh made something. Chef.
- What--what is it?
- It is Josh's famous Mongolian curry, in fact.
Yeah, I know it's a bit exotic.
It may not be to everyone's taste.
It's definitely--it's not for the unadventurous.
- Mmm, Josh!
Is that-- that's eggplant.
- Mm-hmm. It's so good.
- Very informed palate. - Is this guy single?
- She asked if you were single.
Did you hear her?
- Guilty as charged.
Jesus, would you-- would you like some?
- No, no, no, no, no. I'm very--
- You have to. - I'm very full, very full.
- Like I said, it's exotic. I know it's a big ask, so.
- Let me--I--I'll try--
Quick question-- and this is so annoying--
is it gluten-free?
- Yeah, I think so.
- You think so or you know so?
- I know so.
- Josh... you know so?
[eerie music]
- [whispering] Yeah, yeah, I know so.
I know so.
- What? - I know so.
- Okay. You got clearance.
- That's all I needed to know.
Even when I'm full, I don't mind having a little bit
of something that's, um... of the right flavor.
- Yeah. - So why not?
- There's plenty more where it came from.
- Josh...
Best thing I've ever had. - Hey, come on, man.
- No, no, Josh. I'm not kidding.
Best thing I've ever had. - He doesn't lie.
- The taste. - Thanks.
- And the texture... - Good.
[ominous music]
- The texture is...
Babe!
Babe, look at me. [gasps]
- What's happening? - Oh, my God.
Where is it, babe? Point to it.
Where is it right now? Oh, my God.
I'll get the antacids.
- I--what--what? What? - Move the bowl.
- Ow! - What?
- The pain. - The pain?
What--what-- what is happening?
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
What...
- [grunting]
Josh...
you betrayed me.
[ominous music]
- I'm sorry. - Ow!
Ah!
[grunting] Ow!
- We should probably be going.
- Okay. I'm so sorry.
- You did nothing wrong.
- It was--it's an accident.
Um...
What--what exactly is wrong with him?
- He's got flash diarrhea, Josh,
and it's extremely painful.
- Ah! Oh!
Josh, you told him the curry was gluten-free.
- I know, I guess-- I guess I wasn't sure.
- If you weren't sure, then why did you say...
[scoffs] you were sure?
- I just thought he was being...picky.
- Oh!
- Do you hear him? He's in pain.
[Jesus speaking foreign language]
- Is that Aramaic? - Yes.
[both speaking Aramaic]
See, he's picky because he has to be.
[toilet flushes] He has Celiac.
That's why he's so thin.
- Oh, I am--I am... so sorry!
- R-Rosa. - Yeah, babe?
- It's not his fault.
- What do you mean?
- I just remembered.
I had a whole basket of pita at lunch.
- Why would you do that?
- I don't even know what I was thinking.
It was not the curry at all. Don't worry about that.
- Josh, I'm so sorry; I didn't mean
to come down on you like that.
I just--I was really worried about him.
- No, of course, I get it.
Totally, totally fine.
I would do the same thing.
- Okay. I'm so...
- Um, do me a favor?
Um, I could use some candles, maybe?
- Yeah. - Um, some air fresheners...
- Okay. - In the closet.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay.
- [sighs]
- Yeah. - Well...
That was a good-- good game night, huh?
- Yeah, I would say. Uh, you know, uh...
Josh, I know that it was the curry.
- Oh...shit.
- I forgive you.
- Thanks.
- And I also know that you're into Rosa.
- You can read minds.
- No, no, no. It's very obvious.
- Oh, shit! - It's cool.
I still think you're a good dude,
you're a good guy,
and I still want us to be friends.
- For real? - Absolutely.
[uplifting guitar music]
- Wait, hold on.
You forgot something.
You said you'd watch it, so you have to watch it.
- Uh, thank you, Jesus.
Uh, I'll see you tomorrow.
And, uh, thank you for having me, guys.
- So no more of that spinny, whirly thing?
- Yeah, no, there should be-- there should be very little
spinny, whirly thing.
- And--and I can still get on Facebook?
- I-- - Huh?
- Yes, yes, you-- you--okay.
Go here, type the word, "Facebook."
Like, here is-- here's mine.
- Ooh-la-la!
Who's this lovely lass?
- She's just a girl I work with.
- She's quite a looker.
- I--I--she's beautiful, but she also...
uh...has a boyfriend,
who is actually a really special person.
- Joshua? - Hmm?
- Do you mind if I give you some man advice?
- Uh...no, no, I don't mind.
- When I first met your mother, she had a boyfriend.
Just like your little lady here.
But I snagged her anyway.
You want to know how?
- Uh... yeah, okay, how?
- I waited.
- Oh, that--that's the--that's the--okay.
So...you just waited?
- Well, I wasn't sitting by the phone,
if you know what I mean.
No, what I did was crawl into a cave
and fall into a five-month-long slumber.
- You mean you hibernated?
- I hibernated.
I ate twice my body weight in honey
to give me a nice, thick layer of fat
to keep me warm through the winter.
Then I covered myself with leaves and brush
and slowed my heart rate to about 9 beats per minute,
allowing me to enter into a kind of metabolic stasis.
In the spring, I awoke and emerged
from my cave to see where things were at with your mom.
She was still dating the guy, so I kept waiting.
Huh.
Seasons came and went, your mother seeing other men,
me slumbering in my cave,
occasionally lumbering out to steal food from campsites...
that is, until the campers started putting it
in these metal containers I couldn't open.
Lord love a duck!
[screaming]
- And--and that whole time, you never had a girlfriend?
- I had companionship.
[eerie music]
- [growling]
- [yelling] - What the [bleep]?
- But no matter what unspeakable acts
I was engaged in, your mom was always
number one in my mind.
Then...one spring...
came the worst day of my life.
I found out your mom had gotten married.
[ominous music]
No!
[thudding]
And I was captured and sold into a Russian circus.
[yelling] [whip lashing]
I performed for jeering cossacks seven times a day.
Sergei was my trainer, my friend, and my tormentor.
- [speaking Russian]
[cheering]
- But then one day I heard that your mom had gotten divorced.
So I escaped the circus, relearned English,
and asked her out to dinner.
My plan had worked perfectly.
- Well... - Finally it was Tom time.
- Thank you-- thank you for the advice,
uh, but I'm probably not gonna, like, just...
sleep in a cave waiting for Rosa.
- Neato.
- Are you boys hungry?
- Oh, yes.
both: Mmm-wah!
- Here we go. There. - [growling]
- Oh... - Oh, my God!
- Oh! - Oh, my God!
- That's it, that's it.
Okay, all right. That's enough.
That's enough. - More!
- Hello, hello. - Hey!
- Mind if I sit down? - Yeah, please.
Please. - Okay.
- You--you were in band as well?
- Of course. - Uh, clarinet.
- [loud laugh]
Yeah, you were. I was saxophone.
- What?
- Yeah, I wanted to be Bill Clinton.
- You wanted to be like Bill Clinton?
- Yeah, all the nine-year-old chicks want to be Bill Clint.
- All right, all right. Fair enough. Bill Clint.
[Lord Huron's "Ends of the Earth"]
♪ I'm gonna stand on the peak ♪
♪ Out there's a land that time don't command ♪
♪ Want to be the first to arrive ♪
♪ No time for pondering why I'm a-wandering ♪
♪ Nowhere the buses lay ♪
♪ To the ends of the Earth ♪
♪ Would you follow me? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ There's a world that was meant for our eyes to see ♪
♪ ♪
♪ To the ends of the Earth ♪
♪ Would you follow me? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Well, if you want, I will say my goodbyes to me ♪
♪ ♪
- [snoring]