Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 2 - Man Seeking Woman - full transcript

Josh's girlfriend "can't get no satisfaction" even though he tries and he tries (and he tries).

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
- If we just put a pin in that for a second...
- Dude, you been talking to that girl all night.
How's it been going?
- Ah, dare I say amazing?
- Uh, killin' it, bro.
- So, as I was saying,
"Super Mario Brothers 2" has actually made
some pretty serious contributions
to the visual vocabulary of the game as a whole.
This, despite being the quote-unquote "least canonical"
of the franchise-- more on that later.
But for now, let us consider the case of the POW block.
- [gurgling]
- Whoa, uh, help! Help!
- Out of my way. Out of my way.
I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor.
She's dead. - What? What?
Oh, my God.
Was that, like, a sort of a heart attack?
- This woman died of boredom. - What? That's impossible.
A person can't die from being bored.
- It can happen in rare instances--
when a person hears something completely devoid of interest,
the brain becomes starved for stimulation,
and it begins to eat itself.
The pain is indescribable.
And when death comes, it is a sweet release.
- Okay, but she was interested, right?
'Cause she was nodding along. She kept going, "Mm-hmm."
- Those were vocal cord spasms cause by pre-death rigor mortis.
She was trying to cry out,
but, alas, she was too far gone to scream.
- I was--I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know.
- Know what? Don't blame yourself.
Just stop.
- I thought I was being pretty interesting.
- So did I.
- You did? - Yeah.
Except Mario 2 didn't invent the POW block.
It was in Mario 1, but you couldn't--
both: Pick it up.
- You couldn't pick it up. Yeah. I'm Josh.
- Claire. - Hi.
- And, of course, you were talking
about the U.S. Mario 2...
- Not the so-called true sequel.
Look at you. - Out of my way!
- This is just incredible.
[downtempo electronic music]
♪ ♪
All right, so I'll meet you at the theater.
Like, 7:00?
All right. Can't wait.
'Kay, bye.
Claire and I are going to a '50s sci-fi movie festival
at that theater where they sell old-timey sodas.
- Uh-huh. What date is this?
- Uh, fifth. - Whoa.
You know what that means. - Uh.
- Butt sex, dude. - What?
I don't--I don't think that's standard.
- What? Sure it is, dude.
First three dates are sex. - Okay.
- Fourth date is butt stuff.
Then, fifth date is formal butt sex.
- Oh.
I mean, well, we--we haven't had any kind of sex yet.
- What?
- Well, no, I mean,
stuff has been going really well between us.
We gel. We read the same comics.
We like the same video games.
I don't want to ruin it by rushing sex into it too soon.
- But aren't you going crazy?
You haven't had sex in forever.
- Eh. It hasn't been that long.
- [coughing]
- Did you hear something?
- No.
Oh. [both gasp]
- Ew. - Yuck.
- How long have you had that condom?
- I--I don't-- I don't know.
I forgot it was in there.
- Hello, Josh.
- You can talk!
- I can talk, sing--
dream, even.
Used to do a little soft-shoe
before my lubrication dried out on me.
But that'll all be over soon.
For, you see, Josh,
I'm dying.
- You're dying?
- Go on. Turn me over.
Read my expiration date.
- That's--that's today.
- I was put on this earth to do one simple thing,
and I'll be dead before I get the chance.
Oh. [crying]
- Don't worry, little guy. Tonight's the night.
I'm gonna make a move on Claire.
- Oh, thank you, Josh.
Thank you.
You make an old condom smile.
- Nice.
- What was your favorite part?
- Oh, uh, probably the bit where the rocket died
and it needed moon rocks--
- To get energy? Yeah, me too.
- Oh, Lord.
We wasted three hours in there,
and now we're talking about moon rocks?
Get to the sex, Josh. Please, get to the sex.
- Shh! Stay down.
- What was that? - What? What?
Um, nothin'. Nothin'.
- So, we're still on for a hike next Saturday?
- Mm-hmm, yes.
Uh, I would hike that very much.
- Oh, Lord.
- Well, thanks for another nice night.
- Yes, yes, of course. Thank you also.
- [laughs]
Okay. Bye.
- Man, what happened?
- I-- - She was into it!
- I'm aware.
I was just waiting for a clear signal.
- How much clearer do you want?
You expect her to bend over and present like a monkey?
- No.
- And what in the sweet dancing Christ was "moop"?
- Yeah, I-I-I don't know.
- Do me a favor, son.
If you can't use me the way God intended,
at least fill me up with water and throw me off an overpass
so I can say I've done something in this world.
- Yeah, okay. Yeah, Claire!
- What is it? - Uh...
- Do you have a condom? - I-I do, in fact.
All right.
Let's do this, little buddy.
- Quit yappin' and slap me on.
- Okay.
- Okay, go slow! Go slow!
- [sighs] Okay. Here we go.
I think...
structural integrity is intact.
- [laughs] - All right.
Ah! - Oh, damn.
- [moans]
- Thank you, Josh.
I won't forget you.
Loretta, I'm coming home.
- We--we should have been doing that a long time ago.
That was amazing.
- Yeah.
- [grunts]
We've, uh--
we've been on a real sexual hot streak lately, huh?
- Yep.
- What? What's, uh--
what's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
- You--um.
Was it okay for you, or--
- Yeah, it was great.
- So, did you--
- Um, not exactly, but...
It's fine. I liked it.
- No, but-- because I can do some work
on your--down--down--
- Honestly, no, it's fine.
No, you were great.
[keyboard clicking]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Ugh.
And ta-da.
- Den of Bliss. - Yep.
I thought, you know, that could be a cute new thing.
We go in there, peruse their merch,
find something for the old boudoir.
- I don't know, I've never been to one of these places.
- No, no, no, neither have I.
That's why I thought it could be kind of fun--
maybe be a bit adventurous, like--
worst case scenario,
we walk out of there with a hilarious story.
- Okay, I guess.
- Attagirl.
Wow, look at the handcuffs.
Feathers, ooh.
That could be pretty, uh-- pretty freaky.
- Maybe. - Hey.
Can I help you find anything?
- You may!
I don't know why I said it like--you--you may.
We are looking for a sexual toy.
- What kind of stuff are you into?
- Like, sex--um--
yeah, well, that's-- I'd say we're both
pretty highly evolved lovers.
I think we're up for just about anything.
- Do you have any dildos? - Yeah, right this way.
So, these are our dildos and vibrators.
They come in all different shapes and sizes,
so just feel free to browse around.
- Yeah, I mean, a dildo feels a bit superfluous, right?
'Cause, like, you've already got a Josh-do.
- What's this one? - This guy here is fully loaded.
It's curved to hit your G-spot,
and then it has a mini-vibe for your clit or your ass.
[laughs] It's pretty rad.
- Hey, by the way, if you're getting at all uncomfortable,
we can--we can leave.
I would totally understand it.
- What's that? - That's--
- Oh, great choice.
That's the Kyle.
Yeah, the Kyle pretty much does it all--
deep penetration,
variable speed action,
gives great backrubs.
It's actually our best seller in the store.
I've got two of them at home.
- So, what am I looking at here?
The Kyle is some sort of high-tech doll?
- It's more like just a big jacked dude
that [...] your girlfriend.
- Oh, yeah.
Um, I think-- I think the Kyle might be
a bit too advanced for our tastes.
Like, maybe we should just, like,
test drive the feather, I think--
- The Kyle looks kind of fun. - No.
I don't know.
- I thought you said you were an evolved lover.
[lively music]
♪ ♪
- It's nice, kind of nice, right?
How's that--how's that--
is it doing anything for you?
- Um, it tickles.
- Cool.
- Maybe we should try the Kyle.
- Oh.
Maybe we save the Kyle for, like, a special occasion,
like, uh,
- Let's try it now. - Okay. Yep.
- [sighs]
- Oh, my--
wow, okay.
Oh, he's got instructions.
Let's read those,
make sure we do this all correctly.
Step one: open the box. Okay.
Step two: the Kyle does his thing.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
So he does.
- [moaning]
Oh, this feels incredible.
- Am I doing it right?
- [moaning]
Try holding the Kyle a little lower.
- Like--like this?
- [moaning]
Even lower.
- Like--like this?
- Lower.
- So, like, how about-- how about like this?
- Oh, that's perfect.
[moaning] Yeah!
[machine gun firing]
- [panting]
Hey there, mate.
- Hey, man. - Hey.
- Cool.
[sexy saxophone music]
- Wow.
We should have done that a long time ago.
That was amazing.
- [laughs]
- Mm. That was delicious.
You put together such a romantic evening.
- Well, it's actually not done just yet.
- What? - ♪ Dun da-da dun ♪
Sci-fi themed cookies. - Ohh.
Wow, you made aliens and rocket ships.
What did I do to get such an amazing boyfriend?
- Eh.
- Mm.
One sec. I'm just gonna grab the Kyle.
- Oh, actually,
I thought maybe
tonight could just be about you and me.
- Tonight is about you and me. - Right. Okay.
So, then, why do we need that thing?
- Mm, it just helps me.
- Uh, can't you just get off like a normal person,
just once?
- Like a normal person?
- No, that's--ohh.
- Thanks.
- I'm sorry. I--
- So, what brings you in to therapy?
- Claire and I have, uh,
Sex problems.
- There's no such thing as a sex problem--
only sex opportunities.
- Okay, well, we have a pretty bad sex opportunity.
She is less than satisfied by our lovemaking,
and I was hoping, like, you could help her.
Like, recommend some exercises for her to do.
They're called, uh, Kangols.
- Kangols are a type of hat.
- Okay. See? This is--
- If it's all right with you, I'd like to talk to Claire
privately for a few minutes.
- Oh, yeah, a bit-- a bit of girl chat.
Yeah, love it. All right.
Uh, don't--don't say anything bad about me.
[both laugh]
- Okay. Bye now. - Yeah. Okay. Okay.
But seriously, don't.
- Josh? We're ready for you.
- Okay.
Are you okay?
- I'm great.
Dr. Evans has helped me realize
that all the problems we were having in our relationship
are entirely my fault.
- [whispers] Thank you.
- I have been living a lie,
and it's time I finally admit it.
- Admit what?
- You're safe. You're safe.
You can do it.
- [exhales]
I'm a not-Joshero-sexual.
- I'm sorry, what?
- I'm a not-Joshero-sexual.
It means I'm sexually attracted to people who aren't you.
- So--so you're gay.
- No. Not-Joshero means just not you.
- But--but that's
so mean.
- But this has nothing to do with you, Josh.
This is about Claire and her sexual orientation.
I think I have a book.
- There's--there's books?
- People have been unattracted to you for thousands of years.
- Thousands? - Since the dawn of mankind.
In ancient Greece,
not-Joshero love was considered quite normal.
Plato called it the cornerstone of a modern democracy.
- It--what?
How many--how--
how many people have this?
- Some people put the number at 10%.
You know, others say it could be as high as 100%.
- What?
- Some of your favorite celebrities
are not-Josheros.
Carmelo Anthony.
Recording artist Pink.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
- They got The Rock?
Okay. You know what? That's it.
Let's go, Claire.
Thank you very much.
For nothing, really.
Claire, this is just ridiculous.
You are not a not-Joshero-sexual.
We've had sex.
- I was trying to make it work,
but now I realize it's just not who I am.
- You--you-- you like me, don't you?
- Yes. I like you so much.
- Okay, so that's all that matters.
Like, we-- we love hanging out.
We enjoy each other's company. Right?
So--so maybe this "you not being remotely attracted to me
at all" thing is something that we can, like, work on.
Together, like--
I'm saying let's-- let's try.
- Yeah. Okay.
Let's try.
Can you check on my computer
to see how much marjoram we need?
- Sure thing, honey.
All right, half a teaspoon of marjoram...
- Thank you.
[mouse button clicks]
- Oh.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
- I'm not Josh.
- Me neither.
- I'm not Josh. - You are so not Josh.
- I'm not Josh.
- Not Josh! - I'm not Josh!
Not Josh. - Not Josh!
- Josh.
I'm so sorry.
- I-I-I thought you said you'd changed.
- I tried, but I can't.
Not being attracted to you is who I am.
- Yup.
I'm gonna go... - [whispers] No.
- Bicycle or something.
- I'm sorry! - [shrieks]
[fast punk music]
♪ ♪
- Augh!
Oh, God.
What the--
- [gasps] Are you okay?
- Whoa. - Watch yourself now.
Let's get you up slowly.
That was quite a spill you took.
Are--are you sure you're okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I'm good.
I've [slurring]-- thank you.
Thank you for helping me up.
Was, uh, very nice of you.
- It's a good thing we saw you.
We're just headed over to the not-Joshero pride parade.
- Wait, what?
You're not-Josheros? - Yeah.
- Then why did you help me? I thought you didn't like me.
- Oh, heck no. We like you fine.
We're just not sexually attracted to you.
- Yeah, you seem like a nice fella.
We're just not interested in playing with your ding-dong.
- No. You take care of yourself, okay?
- Yeah. - You have a good day now.
- Yeah.
[bell rings]
- Josh, I told you. This isn't gonna work.
- No, no. I know that.
I just--
There's something I want to show you.
Trust me.
[upbeat polka music]
- What is this?
- It's the annual not-Joshero pride parade.
Couple friends told me about it.
I'm sorry I tried to change you.
I-I think the truth is we're just not right for each other.
- We are right for each other.
Just not in that way.
- Well...
So long, Claire.
- Hey, wait.
Um, what are you doing next weekend?
- Probably nothing. Why?
- There's a horror movie festival.
I've been looking for a friend to go with me.
- Count me in.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- Whoo!
- Whoo! - Yeah!
- [sputtering]
- [moaning]
- Oh, my God.
- [moans] - Jesus.
- Josh?
Josh, is that you?
I've been in this closet for so long
I think I've gone blind.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I'm so--I completely forgot that you were in here.
Why didn't you just leave? - I can't leave.
I'm your sex toy, to do with as you see fit.
- Yeah, right.
Um, well, Claire and I broke up,
so you don't have to be my sex toy anymore.
- What?
- Yeah, go. Just--hydrate.
Or eat something. Yeah.
- You're giving me my freedom?
- Yeah. - Crikey!
- Yeah. There you go.
- Thank you! - Yeah.
- Thanks, mate. - Yep. It's all good.
It's all good. Yeah.
- Would you like me to [...] you before I go?
- No, thank you.
- You sure?
'Cause I can do that. I can [...] you.
- No, I know. I know you can.
- Okay.
Good-bye, Josh.
I'll never forget you.
- I--yeah.
Um, so, what are you gonna do?
- Maybe I'll go back to Sydney
and finish my degree in applied mathematics.
- Huh.
- I don't know.
The world is wide-open.
- Yeah.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[bell dings]
- I'm not Josh. - Me neither.
- I'm not Josh. - Oh, you are so not Josh.
- I'm not Josh. - Oh, you are not Josh.
[funky music]
♪ ♪