Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 1 - Man Seeking Woman - full transcript

Josh has been spending all of his time with his new girlfriend and Mike resents him.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Hey, Josh.

Where you been, man?

I've been texting you all week.

I just downloaded the "Blade" trilogy,

and I got some new weed
called Chupacabra's Nightmare.

It'll get you messed up!

Anyway, hang out with me.


Hey, guys.

How can I help you?

We're looking for Josh's best friend.

That's me. Come on in.

Can I offer you gentlemen some beers?

Thank you, we're fine.

You sure? It's no trouble at all.

If you're looking for Josh,

he's on his way over here right now, so...

I'm afraid Josh

won't be coming over to hang out tonight.

Why not?

He got a girlfriend.

I-I-I-I-I-I just...

I don't understand.

How could this have happened?

He was walking alone through
a party late at night.

Visibility was low.

A woman named Kelly heard him

talking "House of Cards."

And she said

she also liked watching "House of Cards."


They hooked up that night.

If it's any consolation,
it was over pretty quick.

Anyway, they're a thing now.

So... so... so how... how long until

he can hang out again?

Son, it's not that simple.

This new girlfriend of
his, she's really hot.

It's like when you first see her,

it's like, "Whoa, she's hot!"

He's gonna want to be with her 24/7.

Doctors say he may never hang again.

You're wrong. Josh is a fighter, okay?

I'm his best friend!

He's gonna hang out with me again!

Son, you have our deepest sympathies.

What? No!

You guys want to watch the "Blade" trilogy?

It's already downloaded.

Actually, we just watched that,

like, two weeks ago.

It's really fun, but skip the third one.


Trailer's great,

but don't let that fool you.


See, I told you it wouldn't be too spicy.

You were right.

She was very worried that
it would be too spicy.

But I told you. Who knows you, huh?

- You do.
- Know the answer?

Yeah, it's me.

Mike, it was so nice meeting you.

I got to go.

- No!
- Yeah.

- I'm so sad when you leave.
- I know. I know.

I'm sad when she leaves.

- Bye.
- Bye.


I... I'll tell you, I'm smitten.

I can tell.

Tonight, we're gonna make a salade nicoise,

which apparently is a salad

that you, like, eat for dinner.

No, no, no, you can't tonight.

We got plans.

What, what plans?

We were gonna get high

and talk onto the fan.

I remember we said

that would be a funny thing to do,

but they weren't, like, definite plans.

I mean, it wasn't a definite plan, but...


Isn't she amazing?

But it was...

See ya!

We talked about... mm.

Great news, bro.

Crazy Wings paid off their health fines,

which means they can
legally serve food again,

and guys' night is back.

- Yeah, cool, man.
- _

- So you'll be there Friday?
- _

- Yeah, sure.
- _

- So this is a plan, right?
- _

- A definite plan.
- _

- Yeah, it's a definite plan.
- _

- Awesome!
- _

- Okay, great. I'll see you there.
- _

Wings are getting cold.

We wait for Josh.

Ha, it's him.

"Hey, man, sorry.

"Feeling kind of beat.

Gonna stay in and hang with Kel."

Goddamn it, man!

Don't you guys see what's happening here?

First, he cuts our hours.

Next thing you know, we're part-time.

Then whoops, there goes guys' night.

Whoops, there goes the email chain.

I don't know about you sons of bitches,

but I am not gonna take this lying down.

Look, we're all here for
the same reason, right?

Since Josh got this new girlfriend,

we have all been feeling squeezed.

But if we want a strong negotiation,

we need to go to him with
specific demands, okay?

Uh, Liz, you go first.

I would like my brother Josh

to accompany me to Nana's house

so that I have someone to nudge

when she says all that racist stuff.

Good, okay.

Uh, Tom.

I think it would be nice

if Josh took a few
minutes every now and again

to help me with that Macintosh.

Just when it does that
spinning ball thing, you know?

'Cause every time I try and do anything...

you know, Hotmail, my "Tetris"...

I keep getting that darn ball.

Have you used... have you seen this thing?

More computer help. We got it, Tom.

Swirly rainbow ball.

100%. Thank you. Is that everything?

Not by a long shot.

I've been working as
Josh's mom for 28 years,

and I want him to honor
our original agreement.

I want to feed him every four hours

and give him a bath before bedtime.

I want to wash his tushy

and his dinky

and his bobos!

- Okay, enough.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Okay. I want to wash them!

Uh, look...

We might not get all of our demands.

But, God damn it, I'll try.

And finally, most importantly,

my personal demands.

I am willing to go

from 40 hours of "Call of Duty" a week

down to 35.

When we go out to the bars,

we don't have to get
completely shit-housed,

but we do have to get hammered.

Lastly... and this one,
I simply cannot budge on...

we need to smoke weed every day.

Wow, okay.

I mean, Michael, you are living

in a dream world.

The landscape is changing.

The reality is, I have a girlfriend,

and I... I quite enjoy her company.

So here's what we're prepared to offer.

Wings once a week.

Wings once a week.


And we think

that's a very fair and generous offer.

It's interesting.

Yeah, yeah, allow me to counter.

How about you take that offer

and you shove it up your
girlfriend-loving ass?

Okay, I think we've had
just about enough of this.

Yes, um...

you just lost wings.

You just lost wings.

Yeah, no, enough!

We got it!

You guys [Bleep] that up!

You [Bleep] it up for me!

- Oh!
- Mm!

Oh, you want to watch another episode?

- Do you? Yes.
- Yeah.

I got nowhere to be.

More hangout! More hangout! More hangout!

What is that?

That is... that is...

that is nothing.

Uh, just stay put one second.


I'll be right back.

More hangouts! More hangouts!

Wait, look!

All right, hi, everyone.

Sorry, I just wanted to
give everyone an update.

So Kelly and are inside
watching "Mr. Robot,"

and that's not gonna change,

but if you want to join us, on our terms,

there's a spot for all of you on the couch.

No way, man.

We're not gonna cave, okay?

It... it's not a hangout if Kelly's there.

It's a couples thing.

Please. Come on, man.

I'm your best friend.

I'm sorry, Mike.

I have to say,

I am a little curious

to meet the famous Kelly.

Maybe I'll just pop in

for a quick look.

What? No!


Dude, I got to use the bathroom.

Do not cross the picket line!

Come on!

No, hey!

Guys, get back here now.


Sorry, man.

It's over.

Some battles, you just can't win.

So what are you up to this weekend?

You and Mike gonna get into some trouble?

Well, well...

uh, Mike and I aren't really

hanging out that much lately.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You know, it's okay,
'cause it means that I get

that much more time to hang out with you.

What should we do this weekend?

We can yoga, flea markets...

I have that thing this weekend, remember?

Uh-uh, no. What... what thing?

I'm going to the cabin
with my high school friends.

I thought I told you.

Yeah, yeah, no, that's cool.

I'll figure something else to do.

I just... tacos. Tacos for one.

It would...

it would be really boring for you,


I guess if you wanted...

to come...


Are you serious?

I would love to!

All right, I'll start packing now.

Have you seen my trunks?

Not... don't answer that.

Half the fun is finding.

Hey, guys!

- Hey!
- Hey!

The Kelster!

Guys, this is my boyfriend, Josh.

Um, the Joshster.

It could be a thing. It could be.

You know what?

We should shotgun some beers!

Are sure it's cool for me to be here?

- You're gonna fit right in.
- All right.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

This place has some memories, man.

Yeah, like when Spencer ate too much pizza

and blew chunks in the hot tub.

More cheese, please!

Will I ever live that down?

What is that? What is that?

Oh, it's stupid.

It's just an inside joke.

You kind of had to be there.

My friends and I, we have inside jokes too.

That was also the summer...

Everything changed.

And we were forever linked.

Sorry, why... why?

Why... why are you forever linked?

Again, it's so stupid.

But there was this one time after prom

we were all driving to this very cabin,

and things got a little out of hand,

and we accidentally ran over a lumberjack.

We buried him in the woods,

but then he was resurrected by the devil.

I guess you kind of had to be there.

No... no, I... I get it completely.

Wow, look at this,

a puzzle!

All right, now we're in business.

Guys, look at this.


Are we doing the puzzle or not?

The lumberjack is back!

- We killed him.
- I'm so scared.

We're all gonna die.

We're all gonna die.

Oh, sorry, man.

I meant we were all gonna die.

Just us.

Oh, I get it.


The Blade had returned a second time

and fallen right into my trap.

Some Blades, it seems, are not so sharp.


Damn it.

Who are you?

I'm Kelly's boyfriend.

I just kind of tagged along.


Hey, you.

Oh, hi, hi.

How... how's the lumberjack thing going?

Well, Jamal's dead,

so that was pretty intense.

Are you having fun?


Yeah, I guess.

Hey, what's wrong?

It's just you and your friends

have, like, a secret history
that I'm not a part of,

with the nicknames and
the undead lumberjack.

I just feel like maybe we haven't

gotten the chance to hang out that much.

Okay, well, what do you want to do?

You... you can help me with this puzzle.


All right, good.

So I've been trying to tackle the clouds...

Which is actually tricky business,

because they look a lot like the pond

and also just white stuff.

- Get the axe!
- I got it!

Oh, hey, here. Let me pick your brain.

Does this look like a part of a bird

or a piece of a pussy willow to you?

Oh, oh. Oh!

Hey, hey, Kel?

I'm gonna try and lure him!

Bird, pussy willow?

- Spencer, no!
- I don't know, a bird?

You didn't even look.

Oh... I didn't... come on.

I didn't come all this
way to do stupid puzzle.

You think this puzzle's stupid?

There's so much blood!

So what would you like to do?

- It's everywhere!
- Oh, my God!


I want to hang out with my friends.

I just think it's bullshit

that you invited me all the way up here

just to ignore me.

I didn't invite you.

You invited yourself.

Yes, because I've alienated Mike

and all my friends

so I could hang out with you more.

I never asked you to do that.

And, honestly, I think it's weird

that you stopped hanging
out with your friends.

Huh, you want to know
what I think is weird?

That you guys still come to a cabin

that you know for a fact

is haunted by an undead lumberjack!

The fire's making him stronger!

Run! Run!

I'm... I'm sorry, Josh.

I don't think I can do this anymore.


Who would've guessed that
Blade would thrice return

and thrice would fall right into my...

What's up? It's Mike.

Hey, hey, it's Josh.

So yeah.

I'm in your hood, so let me know

if you want to hang out.

Cool, bye.


Crazy Wings!

Where's Kelly at?

I thought you guys were pretty much

hanging full-time.

Uh, yeah, that...

it didn't really work out.

Uh, I tried to hang out with her friends,

but it just made me realize
that I've much rather be

hanging out with you.

So let's finish the "Blade" trilogy.

I finished it a while ago.

Oh, cool, all right, we
can watch something else.

Look, Josh.

I'm sorry your relationship ended,

but we can't just go
back to the way we were.

Could we just hang out?

Is dinner ready?

Not yet, sweetheart.

Why don't you go set the table?

Who's that?

Don't you recognize her?

The dark eyes, the nervous
way she carries herself?

She's our daughter, Josh.

How? How did this happen?

How do you think it happened?

We accidentally jizzed
into the same toilet,

and then it got struck by lightning.

And that resulted in a child?

It is so easy for you to show up here

asking questions now that
it's convenient for you.

Well, I want you to know that we
are doing just fine without you.


Thank you for stopping by.

I appreciate the wings.

Dad, are... are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, Sophie.

Just... I got something in my eye.

He told me you were dead.

No, I'm not dead... I'm very much alive.

And I... I would like to
be Mike's friend again.

I think that's bullshit.

You... you told her I was dead?

It's easier than telling her the truth:

that you abandoned us.


Okay, I messed up,

but I can... I can fix this.

I can be better.

I don't know. Josh.

I just... I don't know.

How about I take Sophie

for a nice day tomorrow?

If you're gonna do this,
you better do it right,

'cause I will be damned

if I let you disappoint us again.

You got it.

Do you like your sandwich?

I think it sucks.


Would you maybe want to eat
something else, like dessert?

We can get dessert, like...

let's get one hot fudge sundae

with extra cherries, please.

That's for you.

Maraschino cherries
aren't even legally food.


So you like to draw.

I guess.

Would it be cool if I
took a little peak or...

Whatever. It's stupid anyway.

You did that?

These are amazing.





I think the dragon's my favorite.

I just started drawing dragons.

Oh, yeah, so why don't you tell me,

who's... who's this?

Her name's Malizar.

She shoots fire out of her snout.


I bet sometimes you
feel like shooting fire.

Do you want to see some Elven Warriors?

I would love to.


Even more incredible.

Hey, there they are!

How was your day?

It wasn't lame.


Big compliment from the Soph.

Um, well, I should probably get going.

Are you staying for dinner?

I... well, it's up to Mike.

Why don't you go wash up, sweetheart?

Mike, I know I missed a lot:

the ending of the "Blade" trilogy,

the birth of our daughter.

I just want to make up for lost time, man.


will you give me one more shot?

Will you be my best friend again?



Set another place at the table.

I was just about to order wings.

You got everything, right, sweetie?

Your laptop, your pencils, your erasers.

Oh, and those boots you love.

Did you remember the boots?

Yes, I have everything.

I'm really glad you guys are friends again.

It's pretty cool.

College already.

I can't believe it.

I know.

Seems like only yesterday she
was crawling out of that toilet.