Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 4 - Man Seeking Woman - full transcript

Josh goes to extreme lengths to avoid Maude.

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Skate, you... skate, you lazy...
Goddamn it.
Have you ever seen a more heartbreaking sight?
A grown man living
in abject squalor.
This...
this is my brother Josh.
He subsists on a diet of ramen, weed,
and frozen chimichangas.
He's been wearing the same pair of pants for a decade. He has
no education and can barely read or write.
Hey, what? I-I can do both those.
When Josh was dating Maggie, he ate regular meals
and washed his private parts.
But since she dumped him, his condition has
steadily declined.
Right now things are bleak.
But you can make a difference.
Please call his number today and date my brother.
Liz, I really don't think this is necessary.
Make no mistake, dating my brother would be
a true act of charity.
He smells like shit.
What?
Like, I think he literally might have shit himself.
Did you shit yourself, Josh?
No. Would you just mind your own business?
I didn't... Who invited you here anyway?
I'm-I'm running shit.
Did you shit yourself? Would you just mind your own business?
You did, didn't you? Stop...
You shit in your pants. ...helping.
Please help. There's no one on Earth more desperately
in need of a girlfriend. Liz, I told you,
I don't know that I want a girlfriend, okay?
I just got out of a very long-term thing.
I'm kind of happy just being...
Oh, no.
Oh, please, please
date my brother.
No.
Oh, my God.
Before it's too late.
(knocking) You're here!
I did. I-I am here.
I d... I did. You look nice.
Yeah, you-you as well. Thank you.
Oh, hey, uh, Leo, I didn't, uh, realize you were in town.
Yeah. Just came in for the weekend. I had to see
this little number. Oh, yeah, 'cause apparently he missed me or something.
Something like that. Yeah.
Gonna turn around. Kiss me.
Stare over here.
Cool.
Oh, let me introduce you to everyone.
Oh, holy... smokes, yeah. Everybody here.
Uh, this is Kurt and Katie.
Zach and Xander.
And Tim and Tam.
Hi. Hi, gang.
ALL: Hey.
Wow. I...
I-I... Like, I-I can't help but feel
like I'm the only single person here tonight.
(knocking) Hmm. Interesting.
What? Wait, what-what's happening?
Why-why are you being mysterious?
It's... Maude! Hi! Hi!
You look pretty, you look so pretty.
Thank you, thank you.
(clears throat) This is... this is Josh,
my brother I was telling you... I was telling you about.
You told her...
Don't mind me. (chuckles)
So, how do you know Liz? Um,
we work together. Oh.
(exclaims)
(overlapping intrusive questioning)
You love her, right?
I know you like her. You should be dating her.
(questioning continues)
(grunts)
Here's your seat.
It's just one seat.
You guys seem pretty cozy over there.
KURT: Yeah, it's like, "Slow it down,
you two." (laughter)
Oh. Leo,
would you join me in the kitchen to help me with the food?
LEO: Oh. Of course.
Xander,
would you join me
in the living room to get some
of the, um, other foods?
Of course.
Tam, would you join me in the bathroom
to help me with the-the-the-the...
I know what you guys are trying to do, so...
...the helping me to shit?
Of course.
My God. KURT: And, uh,
we'll leave you two alone.
The hell?
Okay. (chuckles)
Do you like salad?
Uh, y-yeah. I guess.
(whispering): Oh, my God, they both like salad. It's working out.
What are the odds that they both like salad?
Oh, my God. I knew they had so much in common.
I knew it. Oh, my God.
Oh, they look so good together, they look so good.
I think that's everyone that was just here.
They're on to us. I hope, I hope he kisses her.
Seal the deal, Josh.
(whispering continues) Um, so, uh...
You-you a fan of, um, movies? This is taking too long.
(grunting) Oh, my God!
Enough small talk!
We've given you plenty of time.
And now...
you must join us.
No.
ALL (chanting): Couple up. Couple up.
We need... we need to get out of here.
What do we do? Um...
Uh...
Couple up!
Gravy!
(screaming)
Go, go, go, go!
Get them!
♪ ♪
(shouting)
Couple up. Couple up.
(shouting)
(car horn honking)
Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go!
Couple up.
(shouting)
Goddamn it. Damn it.
Couple up. It will
be cute!
(panting)
Oh... Oh...
Go. Go, go, go.
(grunts) Get the door. Oh, my God.
(grunts)
Holy shit. Mm-hmm.
That dinner was so awkward.
That was, like, a lot of pressure.
Yeah, well, that-that... Welcome to my life.
That's classic Liz. She's always trying to...
I-I just... I'm, like... I'm 27. Why?
Why do I need to settle down?
What's wrong with being young and just messing around?
That's... Exactly. (chuckles)
(sighs)
So...
(snapping)
(chuckles)
Do you want to mess around?
Uh, yes?
Okay. Great.
♪ ♪
Aw... Aw...
So, anything exciting happen lately?
Well, uh, they're giving me a bit more to do at work.
Uh, data entry. So it's a bit of a... Oh.
bit of a step up.
Anything else?
Maybe something about a young lady?
Oh, Mom, I don't want to talk about it. Well, Liz
told me you really hit it off with Maude
at the dinner.
Mom, it's really... it's not a big deal.
Not a big deal? No.
My son's new girlfriend
is not a big deal? She's not my girlfriend. She's not...
(stammers) We... I don't really want
to talk about it. Okay, I get it.
Mom's always the last to know.
Not if there's nothing to know.
But I will say
I look forward to meeting the elusive Maude
whenever the time is right.
Thank you. Thank you, Mom. Here, have some iced tea.
I'm okay. No, it's very good.
It's got mint in it.
All right. It's got mint in it.
Yeah, okay. You keep saying that
like it's a huge selling point. Go on.
Drink it up. Okay.
Mmm.
Ugh.
It, um, tastes kind of bitter.
Yeah. There's a bit of a, uh...
(distorted): chemically, uh, kind of...
kind of a...
(gasps, groans)
Huh?
Huh?
PATTI: Mom's always the last to know.
Who's there?
Hello, Joshie.
Mom? We tried this
the easy way.
You didn't want to cooperate.
So now
we're gonna do it the hard way.
Last chance.
Tell me about Maude. Th-There's
really nothing to tell.
No, no, no, no! (shouting)
(moaning)
That was a two. (groans)
You don't want to find out
what a ten feels like.
Now, you are gonna
tell me every last detail about you
and this new girl
you're seeing. But first
how are you in the chair?
Are you comfortable there? What?
No, is your back supported?
K-Kind of. Okay.
No, no, no! (shouting)
Back to Maude.
I want information now.
Okay, okay. We-we just hooked up
a few times. I swear. That's it.
Well, what does "hooking up" mean?
Is it kissing? Sex? Oh, God, Mom.
Something else? (stammers) I don't know. I don't know.
It can mean a lot of different things.
What about dating?
I read in a magazine that young people
all just go out in groups now.
Is that true?
Is it all groups now?!
What are you talking about?!
(shouting)
(panting)
Where am I?!
Oh, this is your old bedroom, sweetie.
I turned it
into a torture chamber. Come on.
You changed my room without asking me? Well,
it wasn't like you were using it.
Maybe if you came to visit more!
(shouting)
Back to Maude.
When can I meet her?
(mumbling): Go to hell.
What did you say?
Go to hell.
What did you say? I said
go to hell, Mom!
Oh, wrong answer.
(shouting)
(static)
Hey, hon?
The TV's on the fritz!
PATTI: I'm torturing Josh!
Oh.
Hi, Josh!
JOSH: Hi, Tom.
You are one tough cookie.
But...
I have a secret weapon:
my Dell.
You still have that thing?
Now, tell me how to sign onto Facebook
and show me Maude.
(laughing)
Oh, I'd like to, Mom. I really would.
Only one slight problem:
Maude and I are so not a thing,
I'm not even Facebook friends with her.
(sighs)
(laughing)
But I am.
Liz.
LIZ: Hope you don't mind me
just dropping in like this.
You piece of shit.
Mmm.
Mom's lentil soup. Ugh!
Oh... no! Hi, Mom.
PATTI: There's my girl!
Let's get you in here.
Logging into my account...
M-A-U-D-E.
Maude Metzger.
Metzger?
Oh, she's a doll!
Get away from her profile!
Ooh, she's as cute as a button!
Just don't look at her profile!
PATTI: Ooh, she grew up
in Northbrook!
Does she know the Stevensons?
Do they know each other?
Do they all know each other?
(sobbing): I don't know.
"Dear Maude..."
No...
"This is Josh's mother
via the Internet." No, don't do that!
"I can't wait
to meet you!"
Please don't.
It's really not that serious; we just started
hanging out. Now, to send.
Don't do it, please.
Leo proposed to Liz!
What?!
Yeah. LIZ: He's lying.
Don't listen to him.
Got her a ring. Secret ring.
Do not listen to him!
No, he-he did. He...
It was romantic but secret.
(chuckles) No...
Wedding.
He's lying!
Big ring. Big everything.
I'm your little girl. Would I never not tell you?
Oh, God, she's got the look. Wedding.
JOSH: Yeah. LIZ: Oh, God, it's the look.
No. Josh...
It's not for at least two, two and a half years.
No, Mom, no!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...
(Liz screams in distance)
Hey, Joshie. Hi.
So your mother tells me you've got a new lady friend.
Yeah, I-I don't really want to talk about it that much, so...
Neato.
Yeah, okay.
PATTI: When can we go dress shopping? Oh, birdie!
And taste cakes? LIZ: No!
(animal noises)
Yo, dude. You want to do
a bunch of mushrooms and go to the zoo?
Ah, man, I would, but I got a booty call.
Oh, nice.
(laughing, singsongy): Booty call.
Mm-mm-mm... Maude and I
are going out to dinner with her cousins and their husbands,
after which the whole group of us
are going to this little out-of-the-way gelato place
that's meant to be impossibly cute.
After that, Maude and I
split off from the herd, go to an improv show,
and then it's booty time.
Josh, uh...
you know the difference
between a booty call and a date, right?
Yeah.
(weakly): Oh, yeah...
Yeah?
This is a date, isn't it?
Oh, my God.
Oh, man,
how did this get so serious?
Wow, that was so funny. Yeah.
Like, I'm going to start going to improv all the time.
Because that was so funny.
Wasn't that funny? Right? Uh...
I mean, they must have secret scripts somewhere.
Like, do you think that that...
that guy that yelled out "lettuce" was a plant?
Because that lettuce stuff was so funny.
Yeah, I don't... I don't, uh, I don't know.
Yeah. (laughing)
Do you want to take a cab back to my place?
Uh, I'm really tired tonight
and I have to work tomorrow.
Maybe we should hang out this weekend?
(gasps) We can go see that show again!
And see if the same guy yells out "lettuce."
(laughing nervously): Oh, shit...
(laughs) Uh...
Maude, I gotta,
I gotta... say something.
Yeah? I-I, uh... I don't...
don't know that I'm feeling...
uh, don't know if we should keep...
I've been so stressed... Josh.
I understand completely.
We have to get out of the city!
Did someone say "camping trip"?
No, not... not at all. Yes!
Oh, my gosh, Josh, this is such a perfect idea
because it was my friend Jenn's birthday
and we were already talking about camping
and her boyfriend/fiancé
knows how to play almost every Train song on the guitar
and I don't want to brag
but I have the most amazing voice,
and this is just gonna be an epic sing-along.
How do I get out of this?
Uh, just stop texting her. What?
Just never text her again.
I mean, that seems, like... kind of sketchy.
Are you and her a couple? No,
but I know her cousins now.
Have you used any of these terms:
boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, exclusive?
None of those.
Then you don't owe her anything.
Huh.
I... I think you might be right.
I know I'm right. Wow.
Thanks for this.
Mm-hmm.
(phone buzzing)
She texted a... kind of a joke.
I guess I have to reply "LOL."
No! Don't respond to anything, okay?
Just stay the course.
When she sees you're not responding, she'll get it.
(phone buzzing)
Oh, my God...
Make it stop.
What?
Okay.
I think they've subsided. I...
I think maybe she gets it.
(knocking at door)
MAUDE: Josh, are you in there?
Shit!
MAUDE: I didn't know if you wanted a sun hat
or a visor, so I got both.
Don't worry about it. I got you, bro.
MAUDE: Josh? Open the door. Take this dram.
Take this what? Dram. I got it at the apothecary
next to the Jamba Juice. (knocking at door)
MAUDE: Josh? Can I come in?
What-what... what does it do?
It lets you fake your own death.
Yeah. Turns you pale, stops your pulse.
When she sees your corpse, she will get it.
I don't know, it seems kind of sketchy.
MAUDE: I brought a tambourine for the sing-along!
Man... Yeah.
Hey, uh... MAUDE: Hey, Josh?
Whoa. That's, uh...
there's a smell to it.
Yeah. It's gross.
Yep. Yep.
Down the hatch.
(gurgling): Oh, wow...
Ugh...
Coriander...
Yeah... oh.
He's dead.
My friend is dead!
(screams) (screams)
♪ ♪
(gasps)
(solemn organ music playing)
(sobbing)
MIKE (whispering): Dude, don't worry.
After they bury you, I'll dig you up. This was a very,
very bad idea. Do you know what it's like,
waking up in a coffin? Hey, just stay the course, bro.
When she sees them bury you, she'll get it.
(fake sobbing)
Oh, my God...
Josh...
I brought you a sun visor.
It's a combination sun hat and visor.
(crying): You can wear it in heaven.
(sighs)
What can I say about Josh?
He wasn't a wealthy man
or a famous man
or smart or strong...
...or unique
or interesting...
...or cool.
What the...?
(crying): But he was a really good brother...
(laughs)
...and a wonderful son
and a wonderful boyfriend to Maude.
I love you, Joshie.
Please light the pyre.
What pyre?
A gentleman
is now an angel.
Uh...
What the... ?
This is gonna be super awkward.
Oh, man.
Oh! (guests screaming)
Aah!
Josh!
Whew!
(screams)
Oh, dear God.
It's, uh...
it's not a bad turnout, I guess.
Hi, gang.
I have something to say.
Uh... Maude, I don't think
we should go camping this weekend.
Or... or... or any weekend.
Um... it's...
I just don't think
we're right for each other.
Okay.
Why didn't you just tell me that?
I-I don't know.
You're kind of sketchy.
I am very disappointed in you, Joshie.
I expected a lot more.
So did I.
So did I.
Oh, for...
Uh, thank-thanks, Tom.
Very immature.
You put "temp" on there?
So, uh, dude,
I wasn't quite sure when to bring this up,
but, uh, you owe me 30 bucks for that dram.
Uh, you know what?
It's cool, man. This one's on me.
Oh. Good.
♪ We used to go out on the summer nights ♪
♪ And dance in the neon rain ♪
♪ We used to hold hands at the movie show ♪
♪ But we'll never hold hands again ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-do, come on, come on ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-do, come on ♪
♪ Those days are gone ♪
♪ You and I were young those summer nights ♪
♪ You'll see the world... ♪