Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 10 - Man Seeking Woman - full transcript

Josh tries to get Maggie back.

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Uh, so, uh... Aah!
You sure she's the last one?
Eh, positive. I mean, you've struck out
with every other woman on Earth, man.
You've tried every bar and dating site in human society.
If you can't make it work out with Unkluk'tu,
you're officially out of options.
Okay.
(all laugh quietly)
Crushing it, bro.
Yeah? Yeah.
(speaking in native language)
Uh... What? What she say?
Asked if you were a god.
Pretty good sign, brother.
(speaking in Unkluk'tu's language)
Yeah, totally cool.
Um, so...
uh... Unkluk'tu,
do-do you like...? Unkluk'tu.
Yes. Uh, do you...
like... music?
(speaking local language)
(laughing)
Nice!
Score, bro. Perfect questions.
Nice!
(singing in native language)
I love this! MIKE: Oh, good.
(speaking in native language)
Hey, time to go for it. Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
(with British accent): Um... uh, milady,
uh, would you
uh, care to have dinner with me while... Okay.
That was an accent, I don't know... Yeah.
What are you doing? Do-do you...?
(normal voice): Would you like to have
dinner with me sometime?
(Mike speaking local language)
(speaks native language)
Uh, uh, well,
she thinks you're very nice and...
and loves that you're a powerful god.
She really likes where things are at with you guys.
(speaking native language)
And doesn't want to jeopardize your...
(speaks native language)
...friendship. Friendship. No, I-I figured.
Friendship.
Uh, cool. No, I...
I get that. I-I respect that.
Friendship.
(both grunting, gasping)
Okay, so...
guess that's it, then.
That's it.
Cool.
(video game sound effects playing; man screams)
It's hopeless.
There's no one in the world for me.
Some people are just meant to die alone.
Totally, bro.
(cell phone buzzing)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Yeah, hello? Hello?
Hi. Maggie!
Hi! Oh, good, yeah, yeah.
You...?
(whispers): You want to get together.
Yeah, yeah. That's great.
That would be great.
No, now-now-now...
now's a great time.
Oh, this all makes sense now!
This is why I didn't click
with any of those other women.
I think I was meant to be with Maggie.
Everything happens for a reason.
Oh! Oh, hi!
(laughing) Josh!
You look great. Oh, no. You look great.
Wow. Aw! You look great.
I knew... yeah, this is... Thanks.
so nice. (laughs)
I'm kind of nervous. Yeah, me, too.
Me too. I-I... Yeah.
God, you're beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
I'm just gonna come out and say... Come out and say it.
(both laughing)
Finishing each other's sentences, that is classic
Josh and Maggie. It is.
It's... chocolate
and peanut butter and... (laughs)
and-and Danny Glover and, uh, Mel Gibson. Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Okay, um... here it is:
Graham and I are getting married.
Wait, uh, what?
(laughs) Graham and I are getting married.
Oh, my God.
Yay. Oh...
Oh, cool. Yeah.
I know. That is so c...
Holy shit.
You sure you're okay? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Oh.
So, you-you guys must be, like, busy, busy, busy.
Are you, are you, uh, trying to do, like, a big wedding
or just kind of, like, a small, justice of the peace thing
like we were trying to do, or...
Are you sure you're okay?
Mm, yeah, I'm fine.
Sir, an ambulance
is on its way. Is there anything
I can do for you in the meantime?
You, uh... You, uh, your French onion soup... Yes?
Is it super oniony? No, not
super oniony. All right, I'll take some of that, then.
Are you fine for water here? How's my, how's my...
is the French onion soup coming?
Yes. Yes, it is, sir.
Yes. Great. Good news.
Thank you. Thank you.
So... Um, so is your mom
just becoming, like, a...
a Momzilla, or, you know,
(siren wailing) or are you guys like, "No, hands off,
we can do this our own self."
We've actually hired a wedding planner.
Wedding planner...?
That's smart, right? Smart.
Yeah, I think so. I mean, I just
don't want to have all the pressure on me to make
all the decisions, 'cause I'm not that good...
You know how it is. Oh, wedding planner, wed...
so what's gonna be your guys'
first song for your first dance?
"Wonderwall."
Oasis. Oh, yeah.
That was our song, huh? I know!
But it's a cool song, right? That's a great song.
Are you sure you're okay with this?
Oh, yeah, yes, congratulations. Okay.
Let me know where you guys get registered. Oh, I will.
Mazel tov. Thank you.
I can't believe Maggie's marrying this guy. Oh, Graham, that guy's great.
What?!
He's way better than you. (chuckles)
What the... What? Jesus, man.
I'm sorry. Look...
any time you want to talk about anything,
just know that I'm always there for-- Oh!
Dick pills!
Two minutes of sexual madness? How much?
$2.50. But be careful. (gasps)
Label says may cause irreparable damage to the liver. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll take 'em. I can't believe... I just can't believe
I-I bought her those cheap, stupid carnations.
Ho... Ow!
Ow! My balls are boiling.
It's just, like, if I'd just gotten her
an actually good birthday present.
Put some thought into it, we never would have had that fight,
and we'd still be together. I... It is what it is, buddy.
It's not like you can go back in time.
Holy shit.
Two minutes of time travel madness?
What do they do?
They take you back in time.
I took one once, saw some dinosaurs.
How much? $2.50.
Be very careful.
Label says may cause irreparable damage
to the space-time continuum.
Hachi machi.
Thank you.
What the... Oh, my... Aah, aah! Josh, it's me, from the future-- listen, listen--
don't buy Maggie these cheap purple carnations.
She'll think they're cheap and stupid.
(screaming) Shut up.
Good God, man, get ahold of yourself.
Buy her that necklace she wanted. (screaming)
Stop screaming. Trust me...!
(Mike groaning)
My liver really hurts.
Jesus Christ.
We told you not to take those.
Oh, my G... Maggie.
What? Oh, my God.
And the necklace-- it-it worked.
What? Did... I... I-I love you, you...
I love you, yeah. Yeah. You... yeah. Oh, my God, this ama... It worked.
Okay, we got... we got to... We got to go. What are you talking about?
Why? We have to go make up for so much lost time.
(laughs) This way.
(laughing)
Oh, oh, God. Oh!
(both gasping passionately)
I love you. I love you, too.
Mm. Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh. Ooh. (chuckles)
Do you want to get dinner? My treat.
Sure. Yeah?
We haven't had sushi in a while...
(gasps) Sushi. Yeah.
Sushi's good. Check the old balance.
Okay. Yeah, okay,
su-sushi-- always an option.
We could also... Mm-hmm?
...do that little falafel place.
You know, the one that's also a dry cleaner's?
You know?
Yeah.
Cool, yeah.
We can do that.
You know what? No.
Who do you think God prays to?
An even bigger god?
(exhales)
I... I think-I think...
I think I'm gonna major in philosophy.
Sweet plan, bro.
Josh. Aah!
Don't major in philosophy. Aah!
Major in economics.
Your life will be much better.
Trust me!
Yay. Thank you. Mmm...
Hello, sweetie. Sweetie.
How was work today?
Just did economics stuff at my economics job.
(giggles)
What? What... What are you... What are you looking at?
Oh. Just those guys.
Cool beards, huh? You like those.
Yeah. Yeah, they're cool.
They're cool They are cool.
They, um... Say, what's-what's over, uh...
What? Don't... That-That thing over there,
that's just marvelous. That's...
What are you talking about?
What you doing, Tom?
Oh, just shaving my whiskers, Joshie.
When I grow up, I'm shaving every day.
Neato.
Josh! Don't shave every day.
(screaming) Grow distinctive facial hair.
Distinctive facial hair!
Trust me!
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Josh, you may now kiss Maggie.
Yeah!
I'm so happy.
Me, too.
Everything is finally perfect,
and I didn't even screw up the space-time continuum.
(church bells ringing)
WOMAN (over PA): This is your daily reminder
that Trackanon plans to kill all.
Thank you, and praise Trackanon.
Oh, hey, man.
Just wanted to say thank you
for those terrific time-travel pills.
Uh, let me update you on my life.
I'm now married to Maggie.
And absolutely everything's perfect, so...
...yeah.
D-Do you have any new video game magazines?
I don't know. Check the rack.
Well, yep.
(sighing): Okay...
FEMALE VOICE: This is the one-hour warning
(siren wailing) for the city-wide curfew.
Please return to your homes now.
(man grunts)
Ugh, I can't take it anymore.
Go back to space, you crummy aliens!
(shouts)
MAGGIE: Hey, I thought you stopped reading that magazine.
R-Really?
Yeah.
You said it was a dumb magazine
for kids who play too many video games.
I-I did?
(gasps) Oh, our favorite show is on.
Ooh...
Is it, uh, Carnivàl?
No, Meet the Press.
Meet...
MAN: ...on your 401K.
Is it too late to climb on board?
MAN 2: Not at all, I think
what we've seen is just the tip of the iceberg.
WOMAN: I would not want to be on the sideline.
There's lots of room for growth.
MAN 1: Glad to hear that,
which brings us to the financial markets...
FEMALE VOICE: This is your daily reminder
that Trackanon plans to kill all.
Thank you, and praise Trackanon.
Mike?
Josh Greenberg.
Get out of town.
Bring it in, dude.
What's happening, baby?
Uh... Good to see you, man.
Ooh, sorry about that.
It's just... wh-what's all, uh...?
Oh, dude, I'm working as a sex slave for Trackanon.
Great gig-- dental, mental health,
Jewish holidays off.
It's killer stuff, man.
FEMALE VOICE: Two-minute warning.
Ooh, hey, could you help me stretch real quick?
Yeah, o-okay.
Just put the lid down. All right.
Okay, get on in there, brother.
Jesus, I'm just, uh... Go for it.
Just, just push, man.
Yeah, just like that.
Oh, just like that!
Ah, hail Trackanon.
Whoo! This feels good, man.
Just the two of us hanging out again,
I mean, it's been, like, years.
Really?
Yeah, but, dude, it's not your fault.
I totally get it-- you're too busy.
Here, stretch my cheeks.
Uh, married to Maggie, hello.
Trading bonds at Goldman Trackanon.
It's beautiful, man.
We're both living the lives we always wanted.
(horn blows)
Oh, sex horn, dude-- gotta run.
JOSH: Does anyone here know Liz?
MAN 2: Code Green! Code Green! Tunnel breach!
General Greenberg, we found this intruder.
You want to kill him?
Leave him to me.
Josh, what are you doing here?
I thought you and Maggie were loyal to Trackanon.
What?
Doesn't matter-- it's so good to see you.
I can finally give you your wedding gift.
You got golf clubs.
Yeah, the pro at your country club said
that they were your favorite brand.
(alarm wails) MAN: Tunnel breach!
(guns fire) Alien in the tunnels!
Country club?!
Code Green! Code Green!
Let's go!
Get down! Go!
Stay down, Josh!
Get off my planet!
(yells victoriously)
(alarm stops)
I mean, golf clubs. Are you s...?
Like, what is this?
What, what is this?
I look like d'Artagnan, and I love Meet the Press?
Have I really changed that much?
No. I mean, you still have
your distinctive... Josh... facial hair.
Hey, listen, the important thing is, you're happy.
(alarm sounding, gunfire)
What do you mean you're not happy?
What does that mean? What? You're not acting like yourself!
I know. That's the point I'm trying to make.
This isn't who I am.
Josh, you're scaring me.
No, Maggie. It's okay, all right?
I can... I can fix this. Watch.
I can make things better, okay? How?
I'll make... I'm make everything okay.
I'll make everything...
What?! Oh, no.
Oh, no. What?!
Oh, no.
(sighs)
I'm stuck here.
(cries, sniffles)
JOSH: Uh...
Okay.
(distant alarm wailing, gunfire) Maggie, we just...
we shouldn't be married.
We need to get divorced. We can't!
No. Okay, I know. I know, it's... no fun.
No one wants to do it, but it's...
Oh, you idiot!
Trackanon's Catholic, okay?
Divorce is punishable by death!
We're married for the rest of your life!
Hail, Trackanon.
FEMALE VOICE: (beep) Thank you.
Do it. Do... do what?
Hail, Trackanon.
Hail, Trackanon.
FEMALE VOICE: (beep) Thank you.
(alarm and gunfire continue)
(Maggie crying)
(sighs)
(Maggie sniffling)
Yeah, sorry, dude-- nobody gets in
to see Trackanon except his official sluts.
Right. Well, maybe... I can join his harem.
I don't know, dude.
How wide can you open your mouth?
Well, uh...
Whoa! Welcome aboard, stud!
Here. Suit up and get greasy.
Your Serene Majesty, this is my friend Josh.
He's super cool. Yeah. Hi. Thanks.
Thanks for having me.
(grumbles)
A lot of it...
It's-it's my metabolism. He's eating a lot more.
Oh, yeah. No, no, I-I'm eating way more.
(lively dance music plays)
(Mike grunting, gasping)
Oh, my God. (Mike and Trackanon moaning)
Oh, that's awful.
Uh, dance?
♪ ♪
Oh, yup. Jogging to ya.
Okay. Yeah, let me just, uh...
finger your...
Hey, come back!
Hey, dude, he's not kidding! He kills people all the time.
Give back his king-stick!
I'm real sorry, uh, Trackanon, uh...
This is... this is all my fault. This has nothing to do
with you. You just... you really shouldn't even be here
right now.
No!
(Mike sobbing)
(sobs)
(cheering and shouting)
He is dead!
(gunfire, cheering)
Oh! Tom!
Tom, our Joshie was the one who killed Trackanon!
He saved the human race!
Neato.
(electric shaver whirring)
Okay, sign right here.
And right here.
Officially divorced.
Thank you.
Here are your rings. Oh. Okay.
You've completely ruined my life.
(mutters)
Maggie, wait... (sighs)
There's... someone I want you to meet.
Uh, so, Maggie, uh, this is Graham.
Graham, this is Maggie.
That's the-the girl I was telling you about.
Hey.
Hi.
So, Josh tells me you're... you're into golf.
Yeah, I am...
Yeah? Cool. ...actually.
Yeah. What's your handicap? My handicap?
Yeah. I'm like a... like a ten index.
MAGGIE: Oh, wow.
(Josh sputters)
How do you feel, Josh?
Uh, honestly?
(Graham and Maggie chatting in distance)
Like I'm finally over her... for real this time.
(inhales deeply)
Do you guys want to go out?
I'm not really ready to date, bro.
You don't just get over someone like Trackanon.
First person I'd ever been faithful to.
Wasn't a person.
LIZ: And I... I gotta head to work.
I think I've got a shot at making partner,
now that all of the partners are dead. Oh.
No, you know what? Wait, wait, wait.
Guys, guys, guys-- no... no, no, no...
Listen, we are young,
we're single,
Trackanon is dead.
I'm sorry, but he is.
And it's Saturday night!
I... Listen... LIZ: I... I don't know.
What's the worst that could possibly happen?
I... I...I just...
I... Come on, you pussies!
(laughs) Huh?
You pussy! That's funny.
Right? You are what you eat.
Hey, that a boy. (laughs)
I'm not touching you. Okay.
No, it's-it's... I don't actually talk like that.
Uh-huh. Oh, sure. You know how I talk.
Anyway, the point is... What's the point?
The night is young. Oh, my God.
Follow the jiggling... ♪ Ting-aling-aling! ♪
I can't say no to that guy. That is unbelievable.
♪ Tinga-linga-ling. ♪ Did you know he could do that?
Did you teach him this? MIKE: I do now.
Where did you get those moves? Oh, shit. Oh, no.
Uh-oh. (Mike singing)
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
This is fun...
♪ I'm moving on, I'm getting out ♪
♪ I've killed the monster ♪
♪ Passed it behind, fate has been kind ♪
♪ I've killed the monster ♪
♪ I know it's right, I've learned to fight ♪
♪ I've killed the monster ♪
♪ Let it be said when I am dead I've killed the monster ♪
♪ They'll put me down ♪
♪ Throw my name around ♪
♪ But I have found a good thing ♪
♪ Right to the end I was my friend ♪
♪ I killed the monster ♪
♪ I almost lost, I paid the cost... ♪