Man Seeking Woman (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Man Seeking Woman - full transcript

A naive romantic goes on a desperate quest for love when his longtime girlfriend dumps him.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Oh. Oh, yeah. Yep. Take that.
Okay, if you want to visit Newton,
I know he'd be happy to see you.
Yeah, okay.
We never finished Carnivàle,
so if you want to finish the last two episodes...
I don't. No. You don't. Okay.
I don't. So, we can be buddies.
Yeah. Yeah.
In time. In time, yeah.
Uh, all right. All right.
(door locks)
("Not in Love" by Crystal Castles plays)
(thunder cracks)
♪ And we were lovers ♪
♪ Now we can't be friends ♪
♪ Fascination ends ♪
♪ Here we go again... ♪
(bird screeches)
(thunder rumbles)
(bird caws)
(bird screeches)
MAN: No, no, no.
Fat, fat.
Ugly, fat.
Does that thing actually work?
Sex partner found. Oh, my God.
Hey, where's Wolcott and Cermak?
It's, like, eight blocks away.
(sighs) I can usually get it within five.
Your place is remote, man.
Uh, I'm sorry?
You got to get on this thing, bro.
I mean, it's just weird to think
about being with anybody else-- we were together for six years.
I thought four. I count the two years
we kind of e-mailed each other before we kissed.
There you go. No, n-n-n-no.
He's on a very specific diet.
There's tons of vitamins in pizza, man.
He eats bugs and little fruit.
You should go to Torch tonight.
Here, wear this. What is this?
Robert Graham, contrasting cuffs.
You will crush gash.
What an awful...
Every gash is somebody's daughter.
Here, wear this.
That's not bad.
It's easy-- just go up to them and be, like,
"Hey, what's your deal?" Wh-What does that even mean?
Doesn't matter, dude. You read The Game?
You got to give them little trinkets,
you got to pinch them-- it works.
You got to wear a Jamiroquai hat.
Well, to be honest, I, uh...
I actually have my own plans this evening.
Yeah. Yeah, my sister's setting me up with her friend
from Sweden.
Holy shit!
Yeah, I'm pretty psyched about it.
Liz says she's, uh, confident, funny.
Congrats, what's she look like?
I-I-I don't know.
You didn't ask to see a picture?
I talked you up, okay?
She's so well-read. Oh, good.
This is, like, a woman of substance.
Oh, good. That's-that's what's most important.
You know, all Mike wanted to know was,
(low voice): "What does she look like?"
That guy is disgusting.
He's so gross.
But this girl tonight, what does she look like?
Oh, there she is. What? Oh, no.
Wait, where? She's right outside.
See? She's in the Dumpster.
She's that thing across the street in the garbage?
She's right there, see? In the Dumpster.
Oh, my God.
Something wrong? You said she was from Sweden?
She was born in the Scandinavian forest.
Right. She moved here last year
so she could run her nonprofit.
And live underneath the Wabash Bridge.
Does that mean she's a troll?
I'm sorry, is that a problem?
No, no, no. Just, um, uh...
She's drinking antifreeze.
Uh, okay, cool.
No, I just... I'm saying...
Um... she might not be my type.
Joshua, want to have a little look-at-yourself moment?
No. No, this is...
Do you go to the gym? Nope.
Do you have a job?
Yeah, I-I... I'm a temp.
Okay, well, how does that sound to a lady?
If she's a temp, she'll like it.
She keeps barking at strangers... Josh,
this woman has brought herself up from nothing.
Why are you crying? I just really like her, okay?
I think you guys would be cool together.
I appreciate this so much.
This is a mitzvah you've done.
I just, uh...
Josh, there's, like, so many guys
like Mike running around.
You're such a good guy.
I love you. I love you.
I wouldn't have set you up with Gorbachaka
if I didn't think it was a good match.
Okay? Thank you so much.
I noticed you were, uh, rummaging around
in the, uh, garbage, there.
I-I-In my temp job,
I actually have to deal with garbage quite frequently.
End of the day, I go around to everybody's desk
and take all the little bags of garbage
and put them in one big bag of garbage.
Pretty cool.
Can't wait for that bruschetta.
Flower for the lady?
Yeah, why not?
Twelve dollars.
Twelve dollars?!
Here you are.
Here's a flower for you.
(grunts lightly)
I know, I know-- roses.
You ever seen, uh, Carnivàle?
This is, uh, it's kind of nice.
Sort of sitting here, getting to know each other.
My friend Mike...
he's just obsessed with these, uh...
these dating apps.
This guy spends just hours trolling the Internet...
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, no, no, no.
I didn't mean it like that.
I'm sorry. Ow, ow!
Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow... Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
No. No. No. No.
Mom, they're so adorable.
He's wearing the sweater.
Please. Oh, for God's sakes.
Is everything okay?
No, it's not.
Josh, you're not making a great impression here.
Well, I don't care-- this is clearly not gonna work.
Why not? Because she's an ugly slimy troll!
Uh... I... uh, sorry.
I just got out of a long-term relationship.
I-I don't know what I'm doing.
I... I'm sorry, Liz.
I'm not the one that you should apologize to.
Yeah, fair enough.
I'm sorry, Gorbachaka.
Oh, my God.
MIKE: Robert Graham, contrasting cuffs.
(distorted, echoing): You will crush gash...
(techno music plays)
(music slows)
Oh, yeah. Yep.
$20 cover. 20...
Hey, how are you?
Yeah, I'm just at this club, it's really nice.
Hey. (sniffs)
Uh, what's your deal?
Sorry. Excuse me?
Uh.. what... uh...
Uh, wh-what's your deal?
One second, there's this weird guy.
He just asked me what's my deal.
You're making people uncomfortable.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not the one you should apologize to.
He's wearing a Robert Graham shirt, I mean...
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Right this way, sweetheart.
What... oh, man.
MAN: Joshie. WOMAN: Hi, Joshie.
JOSH: Hi, Mom. Hi there, Tom. Ooh, look at that nice shirt.
TOM: Oh, that-that's fantastic. MOM: That's smart.
That's nice, I like that.
Thank you, thank you. I...
When are you coming to visit?
T-Tickets are very expensive this time of year.
Well, put it on the Discover Card.
I told you, Mom, I'm not-not using the Discover anymore.
Why not?
It's pretty pathetic.
I'm 27, I should probably have my own credit card by now.
Ugh, here we go. You're 27?
It's not your fault you're broke. It's not.
You... Everyone is struggling in this economy.
Everyb... But your sister's a special case.
TOM: Promotion after promotion.
It's insane.
How'd it go with Gorbachaka? Ooh.
What? How do... You know about that?
You know, your mother and I met on a blind date.
But with different people.
Oh, yeah. No, I know-- it's-it's a terrific story.
MOM: Our tables were right next
to each other. Right.
And when our dates went up
to go to the...
♪ ♪
Uh, M-Maggie.
M-Maggie, hey, it's-it's-it's me.
Sorry for, uh, calling out of the blue like this.
So great to hear from you.
Really?! (stammers)
I mean, yeah, no, me, same.
Me, same.
You should come to my apartment.
What... uh, now?
Yeah, I'm throwing a huge party.
You should stop by.
I mean, if you're out.
Oh... I'm out.
Forty dollars.
Do you take Discover Card?
Uh, I think Maggie's code is four something.
JOSH: Pound, four-three-four-two.
Pound, four-three-four-two.
MIKE: Josh, this is Aja. Aja, Josh.
JOSH: Oh, mazel tov.
Hey, how'd your date go, buddy?
Oh, let's just get up to the party.
Is that champagne?
It's, uh, Prosecco, Maggie's favorite.
Ah, you know, I think it's pretty cool
of you to come tonight.
It's gonna mean a lot to them.
Uh, th-them?
Dude, you know she's seeing someone, right?
No, I didn't know that.
How long has this been going on?
Uh, at least a month.
I'm sorry, I thought you knew.
Who is he?
This guy, Adolf.
His name is Adolf? Yeah.
L-Like Adolf Hitler?
Oh, cool, you know him.
I-I know of him.
I thought he died, like, years ago.
Nah, he faked that. Yeah.
He's been hiding in Argentina
since, like, the '40s.
I know he's got a weird rep,
and people think he's sketchy or whatever,
but in person, he's actually pretty cool.
Like, this one time we did karaoke.
(laughs) What?
He was hilarious. He did Tina Turner,
Gladys Knight.
(distorted): He did a monologue from Precious,
which wasn't even in the karaoke book.
Blew all our minds.
He just had it memorized.
(normal voice): You okay, buddy?
I-Isn't there, like,
a pretty big age-age difference between them?
I mean, Maggie's only 27.
Somebody's jealous. Yeah.
I'm not jealous, Aja.
I-I just don't like Adolf Hitler.
He-he murdered millions of people.
You don't like him because he's dating Maggie.
True, but you don't think it's a little strange
that she's dating him, of all people?
I'm Jewish.
He famously hates Jews.
Oh, that is a real stretch, Josh. Don't make this about you.
I think I'm just gonna go home. MAGGIE: Josh!
(muttering) Oh, my God.
Yeah. How are you?
Good, how... I'm good.
Hug, come on. Yeah, hugs, come on.
Oh, is that, is that Prosecco?
Oh, yes, it is. Would you like some?
Um, that's okay, actually,
'cause Adolf just opened some Châteauneuf-du-Pape.
Oh, shit. Yeah.
Oh, hello. Oh.
This is prewar.
There-there is plenty for everyone.
Yeah. Hey!
Hey, A.H.
That's the man. That's you.
That's the man.
(laughs) What's up?
Hi. Hey.
Adolf Hitler.
Uh, Josh Greenberg.
Greenberg? Yes.
There's a Jew at Hitler's party.
That's right. That's right.
There's one in our midst.
Um, you can just throw that down
over there. Oh, good, yeah.
I've heard so much about you.
Oh, yeah, good.
So much about you.
I'm fairly well-versed in you.
Wikipedia. Yeah.
There is a compact disc player.
Oh, good news.
We have, um, R&B,
young-young-young music.
Yes, yeah, yeah. Oh, no Wagner?
No, there's Wagner.
Oh, good. Yeah.
Little dirty man.
Don't make it awkward for the Jew. No, I'm sure...
Nice-nice to meet you.
MIKE: Tinder is like Facebook,
but it's just, like, straight to smashing.
To smashing? Yeah.
ADOLF: When I was in Austria,
back in that era, I would say "That one,"
and my bodyguards,
they would take her and they would put her in my bed.
Really? They would burn the house down.
MIKE: That is cool.
That was my Tinder.
Oh, yeah. That's the good old days.
That's the good old days. No apps for that.
Yeah. (chuckles)
I wish I was there with you.
You'd be dead if you were there.
Oh, I know. You don't want to be dead.
Would you like some wine?
Um, I think I'll switch to beer.
Oh, what kind of beer would you like?
Anything German.
ALL: Aw.
ADOLF: Be right back.
Okay. Okay, all right.
There you go.
There you are.
Hey. Hey.
We still haven't caught up.
How's everything?
I miss you.
Oh, Josh, you're drunk.
I'm not drunk. No, I-I, uh...
Why, uh...
Why-why are you with this guy?
I mean, I-I know he's, um, more successful than me.
My relationship with Dolfy has nothing to do with you.
Okay? We're-we're just two people who fell in love.
He's 150 years old.
He's 126.
I can't believe I'm defending myself to you.
I still have Isaac Newton.
Isaac Newton.
This-this little reptile.
Remember, we said,
we were gonna nurse him back to health together.
We were on mushrooms.
You should free that thing.
I love you.
(laughing): Josh.
Don't you still love me?
Josh. I'm better than Hitler!
(crowd gasps)
Hey, uh...
I think maybe you should head out, buddy.
Let things cool down a bit.
Fair enough. Uh, I'm sorry, Maggie.
I'm not the one you should apologize to.
I'm sorry, Hitler.
He couldn't hear you.
I'm sorry, Hitler!
I'm sorry, Hit...
Oh, hey, do you think you guys
could drop me off in Pilsen?
Isn't your place north, babe?
Uh, sorry, man, we're going in opposite directions.
(thunder rumbling)
(bird screeches)
(card reader chirping)
(blows raspberry)
It's a good thing it's the weekend.
Uh, it-it's the weekend.
Good thing.
A good thing it's the weekend.
Oh. (chuckles)
Yeah, exactly.
Or I guess it's more like
Um, because it's Saturday.
So... Right, TGIS.
Yes, yes.
Saturday. Saturday, yeah.
Oh, um,
are you coming?
Uh, this is going south, right?
Oh, no, it's going north.
That-That's the direction I'm going in.
Uh, what-what class did you say you were in again?
Oh, '07.
'07. Yeah.
Um, '07, '07.
Uh, do you know,
uh, Ted Kasden?
He might have been '08, actually.
What about Jake, uh, Jake Barnes?
I knew a Jake Franklin.
No, I don't know that guy.
There's a lot of Jakes.
Well-well, Chris Schifrin.
Chris Schifrin?
Oh, Chris Schifrin.
Yeah, I think I had an anthro class with him.
Oh. Are-are you friends with him?
Not at all.
Uh, I know his brother.
I'm an acquaintance of one of his brothers.
It's a...
small world.
Yeah, hugely small.
(bell dings)
This is my stop.
Oh, okay. So, um, well,
it was really nice meeting you. Yeah.
Josh. Oh, Laura.
Hey, do you want to go out to dinner sometime?
What? Would you like to go out to dinner sometime?
Oh, sure.
Uh, how, uh...
Oh, um, I have a business card. Sorry.
It's old-fashioned.
Well, I'll, uh, I look forward to doing business.
Oh. (laughs)
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Um...
(bell dings) Here I go.
Okay. Okay.
(bell dings) Okay.
(phone buzzing)
MAN: Good morning, Joshua.
I'm calling from the MacArthur Foundation.
I'm pleased to announce that you shall be receiving
one of our annual rewards.
Wait, you mean the genius grant?
Uh, for what?
For picking up Laura.
Oh, right.
The MacArthur board members were all wondering,
how'd you manage it?
Did you use a line or something?
No, no, I just, uh, saw her
and struck up a conversation.
Well, what did you say to her? How did you start it?
Uh, I-I said something about, uh, how it's the weekend
and how it was cool that it was the weekend.
Uh, then I found out she found went to Bard,
and I knew some people that went there,
so then we started talking about that.
Knew people at Bard.
Talked about people who went to Bard.
Really can't believe you actually did it.
Neither can I. I've, like, never done that before.
Just walked up to a random girl and been like,
"Hey, let's go out."
I did it once, back when I was reading law at Cambridge.
Saw this young woman I recognized from section,
and I asked her to have lunch with me.
Uh, that's a bit different.
You did already know her from section.
I know, also it was just lunch.
Dinner's a bigger deal because it's at night.
Okay, uh, we'll be in touch.
Josh? Yeah.
(phone rings)
Oh, finally. Josh Greenberg?
Mr. President? Uh, congratulations.
You are an inspiration to men everywhere.
Thanks, buddy.
I really appreciate that.
When I met Michelle,
I was rocking a Jamiroquai hat.
Oh. Honestly, it was a crutch.
Uh, you proved the old-fashioned way still works.
This Tinder stuff,
I just don't get it. I'll let you go.
JOSH: Thanks, buddy.
(shutters clicking)
Wow. Right here!
Wow, this is so cool.
Hey, hey, wow, sorry.
(reporters shouting)
I'm Tom, T-O-M.
This is Patti.
Mom, proud mom.
Hitler ain't got shit on you, dude.
Okay, thank-thank you.
(Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" playing)