Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 6 - Cruise: Part 1 - full transcript

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♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



♪ I wish I was an apple
a-hangin' on a tree ♪

♪ So every... ♪

Hey, what's burning?!

Oh!

I went to get a towel to
put under Laverne's blouse

and the iron fell on top of it

and burned a hole through her L.

Oh... Maybe she
won't notice, huh?

You think so?

Oh, she's going to kill me.

Well, it was an accident.
Those things happen.

Yes, I-I'll find a subtle
way to explain it to her.

Maybe next spring.

Where is Laverne, anyway?

Oh, she's at the bank
withdrawing our pleasure fund.

Oh, your vacation money!

Hey, are you going

to pack all these
clothes for your cruise?

Yeah. I got it all figured out.

We're going to
be gone five days,

so I figure it's
three outfits a day,

that's 15 outfits each...

14 and a half for Laverne.

I spent three months in
Europe with one dress,

one pair of slacks
and fifteen scarves.

Oh, well, we're going to
Europe one of these days.

Sure, you are.

Oh, where you're going is nice.

Yes, Detroit is lovely
this time of year.

Hey, here's your brochure, huh?

"A five-day cruise
on a luxury liner

"on the Great Lakes.

"You'll thrill to a scenic
cruise of this water wonderland

"as you touch all of these
mystical bodies of water

known as the Great Lakes."

Not to mention those mystical
bodies known as the single men.

Does it say that there?

Does it say it in here?

No. But that's what
you're going for, isn't it?

You got it.

Lots of classy guys
who go mad with desire

at the constant pound,
pound, pounding of the sea.

Yeah, men love pounding.

So I've heard.

There he goes! There goes
that hunchback man again!

Poor thing, he's
been going through

the trash cans all morning long.

That's Lenny hiding from me.

They always hide
when the rent is due.

I'd evict them,

but I could never rent
that apartment again.

Do you know they painted
the inside of the toilet black?

It's been rumored
around the building.

I'm going to catch him.

Hi, Laverne, I'm after Lenny.

Hi, Mrs. Babish.

Are you ready for this?

You got robbed?

No, how could I get robbed

when you made me handcuff
myself to the purse, huh?

Well, then, let me
see it, let me see it,

let me see it, let
me see it, ooh!

It's all in
brand-new bills, too!

Wahoo! 291 samoleons!

Yoo!

241 samoleons.

You spent $50 on the way home?

I spent $50... Now think.

Remember when we took that 50
bucks out to buy a new clutch? Mm-hmm.

Well, you were supposed
to put that money back.

No, you were supposed
to deposit your tax refund.

No, no, mine went
for the new tires.

It was supposed
to be your refund.

No, mine went for the valve job,

don't you remember?

I hate that car. I just hate it.

This happens to be
the most disgusting thing

that has ever happened to us.

You got to hide us!

We haven't got the rent money!

Here's our rent money!

Eat as much as you can!

We'll figure out how
to get it back later.

Give me that! Give it!

Give it to me! Give it to me!

Ah, you just bit me!

Eat the money!

I'm biting everything
that moves.

Hey, wait a second, I
think I ate my moustache!

Here's your moustache!

You slobbered all over
one of our presidents.

What did he ever do for me?!

Hey, where did you get
all this money, anyway?

Where do you think? At the bank.

The bank... Why
didn't we think of that?

Why didn't you think of that?

If they gave it to them,
they'll give it to anything!

We'll, see you later.

You ever put your mouth
on our money again,

I'll tell everyone you
never vodee-o-doed!

Oh, yeah? I got witnesses!

Have we got it all?

One, two, three, four...

Oh, what does it matter anyway?

On Monday morning,
that ship is going to sail out

with hundreds of single guys

and we are not
going to be on board.

Yeah, I was really hoping
one of those sailors was going

to tattoo my name on his arm.

This is it.

My life is over.

I'll never get married.

Aw, come on, Shirl.

Look, it's only Friday, right?

The ship don't sail till Monday.

That gives us two
whole days, right?

We could come
up with that money.

We're pretty smart cookies, huh?

You really think so, Laverne?

I know so. We can do anything.

Okay, let's ask your father.

No, I don't want to do
that. He hollers at me.

Well, we need help.

Carmine!

Listen, Uncle Tom, I
got two friends here

who need a temporary job.

I thought maybe you could
use them this weekend.

Look, uh, there's
an old saying...

One hand washes the other.

Yeah.

Now I got a bunch of
eight-year-old kids starting class,

and each and every one
of those kids are going

to need new tap shoes. Yeah.

Now you're my friend, you know?

And I'd like to
send them up here

and give you the
business, but, uh...

looks like you're a
little short of help.

Who's short of help?

I have these two fine
girls working for me.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Oh, thanks, Carmine,
you were terrific.

Yeah.

Oh, Carmine, you have
lipstick all over your collar.

Who told a tale on you?

It's, uh, it's from my investor.

Which reminds me, I
left her out in the car.

She's probably giving
hickeys to my sun visor by now.

Whoo!

Okay now, you be good girls,

and go in the back room
and put your uniforms on.

Okay.

Okay. Uniforms to sell shoes?

Well, I love uniforms.

You're thinking of sailors.

I'm always thinking of sailors.

Okay, come out, girls,
Uncle Tom's waiting.

Ooh!

There they are,
it's Jack and Jill!

Isn't this going to be fun?

Now, you'll see. The kids like
to buy shoes from other kids.

Makes them comfortable,
and makes you a dollar a shoe.

That's two bucks a pair!

I have to go pick up
an order of balloons.

I hope they have a lot of red
ones... I really like red ones.

Well, when are you coming back?

I'll be back before
the afternoon rush.

Say bye-bye to Uncle Tom.

Bye-bye, Uncle Tom.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye
Bye-bye. Wacko, wacko.

All right now.

Let's have a little plan of
action here, okay? Okay.

I say that one of us ought
to charm the little kiddies,

you know, sort of soften them up

while the other one
moves in for the kill.

Now, which part do you want?

The kill.

Yeah, I figured as much.

Okay, you got the kill.

Good. I got the charm, okay.

Hello. Is Uncle Tom here?

No, he stepped out
for just a moment,

but he's left me in charge.

May I be of assistance?

Oh, well, I'm Mrs. Anderson
and this is my son Lawrence.

Lawrence is Uncle
Tom's best customer.

I have 20 pair of shoes.

Oh, I have four pairs if
you count my slippers.

I'll handle the
charm, all right?

I'm going to leave him here
while I do some shopping.

Let him buy anything he wants.

We can make 50
bucks on this kid alone.

Don't worry about a thing.

We'll take excellent
care of him.

We're going to be partners.

Oh, thank you, young man.

These are a great pair of shoes.

And your feet are
going to love them.

Huh?

They stink!

No, that's your socks, kid.

Excuse me just a moment,
won't you? Excuse me.

Jill? Oh, Jill?

Jill! Jill!

I want you to look at
how I'm dressed, all right?

Take a good long look.

I look pretty stupid, don't I?

You look twice as stupid.

This isn't for fun, Laverne.

This is for the cruise.

Single men and sailor boys,

your name perhaps
tattooed on a man's arm.

Now get the kid what he wants.

Okay.

But there better not be
any kids on this cruise.

Do you want to get...?

You get the phone. I'll
finish with these customers.

Okay.

Hello... hello. J and J
Shoe Store, Jill speaking.

What? Do we have
Mister Potato Head shoes?

I'll check.

Oh, don't you
ever do that again!

Don't you ever do that!

Oh, oh!

Lady, lady, wait just a second!

Wait just a second! Let
me get my, my scissors!

What are you doing?

My scissors!

Okay, I got it. I got it.

She's getting on the bus!

I couldn't get
her. She got away.

Well, do something,
do something!

Okay, get out of my way.

Get out of my way.

I did it, Shirl, I
saved the ribbon.

Yeah, and you ruined
the man's counter.

Look at this.

Well, maybe Uncle
Tom won't notice.

I give up, Shirl.

I can't think of any way
to make that 50 bucks.

Miss Lady Luck has
turned her back on us.

No, it's more like she
spit right in our face.

All right, here
you are, eat, eat.

Hey, you know, you look awful.

Thanks.

I don't think we feel
much like eating right now.

I heard what happened.

Carmine told me about your
weekend job and how you lost it.

It wasn't our fault,
really, it was not our fault.

If you needed money,
why didn't you come to me?

Because you yell.

A lot.

Yeah, I yell.

If I didn't yell, everybody'd
come and ask me for money.

Come on, ask me for the money.

Pop, can I have 50 bucks?

What?! You crazy?

Come on, eat up the
pizza before it gets cold.

I don't understand any of this.

Is this some sort of
secret Italian tradition

that I know nothing about?

Eat the pizza.

But I don't want any.

Eat, eat, eat the pizza.

50 bucks!

You got the lucky pizza.

We got the lucky pizza!

Aw, Pop, thanks.

I know how hard it
was for you to do that.

And I know how hard
it is for you to do this.

Aw...

You're my muffin, right?

Yeah, you got a little
this here, a little that there.

Oh, that was a wet one.

Oh, you know what you are?

You're just a big old
softie, that's what you are.

You're a great big old softie,

that's what you are.

You're nothing
but an old softie,

just an old softie.

Enough already, just
thank him for the money.

Thanks for giving us the money.

Thank you for
giving us the money.

Give? Give?

What give?

When the two of you come back,
you work for it, all right? Okay.

We got it! We got it!

Hey, hey, hey!

I got a business here.

Shh...

Let's do it. Come on.

Hey, girls, listen.

We've been thinking
about it and we decided

you ought to be able to go
on the vacation thing of yours.

Oh... Don't say another word.

So, you can have my
entire moth collection.

If you want to sell it,

I'm sure you can
get 50 bucks, easy.

Yeah, maybe even more than that.

Some of those
moths are breeders.

They're dead,
Lenny! They're dead.

No, no, you need your moths.

You keep your moths.
Keep your moths.

No. Keep them.

No, no, no, Shirl.

We've already
said our farewells.

No, you go ahead, take it.

Just remember,

you'll always
owe us a big favor.

Yeah.

And we can collect
any time we want to,

even in the middle of the night.

When it's dark.

Forget the favors, forget it.

We don't need your moths.

We already got our 50 bucks.

Where?

We found it under the pizza.

Money under the pizza?

They probably
hid it in the dough.

I'll meet you in the kitchen.

What are we sitting here for?

We're going on a cruise.

Good-bye, Milwaukee.

Hello, Great Lakes.

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

♪ Canta y no llores ♪

♪ Porque cantando se alegran ♪

♪ Cielito lindo los corazones ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

♪ Canta y no llores ♪

♪ Porque cantando se alegran ♪

♪ Cielito lindo los corazones ♪

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

♪ Canto y no llores ♪

♪ Porque cantando se alegran ♪

♪ Cielito lindo los corazones. ♪

You were great, Carmine.

Edna, you still got it.

Yeah, and I still
know how to use it.

Pop, I'm so glad you
came down to see us off.

Listen, there's a lot
of guys on this boat.

I hope so.

Edna, tell her.

Well, you haven't got much time,

so don't play hard to get.

Got it, got it, got it.

What are you doing?

Oh, Pop, Pop, I know.

I know what you're
trying to tell me.

You've been telling
me since the fifth grade.

Yeah. "Wear loose sweaters,"

"Don't wiggle when you walk,"

and "Keep at least one
foot on the floor at all times."

Don't you forget it.

I won't, I won't.

Oh, boy, I can't believe
I'm going on a cruise.

Well, I'll see you later.

I better start circulating, huh?

Have fun.

Laverne, Laverne, don't wiggle.

Don't be such an
old fuddy-duddy.

Hey, why don't you and I go
up in to one of those lifeboats

and fool around
a little bit, huh?

Listen to me now.

We're going steady, right?

Remember one
thing. I'm the boss.

Sure you are.

Okay, let's go on the lifeboat.

Ta-dah.

Oh! Oh, Carmine.

A camera, you shouldn't have.

But I'm so glad you did.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Just a little something
for my angel face.

A little something.

Carmine, this must have
set you back a fortune.

Naw, it's cheap.
See, there's this guy

in the alley behind the barber
shop, he's got this big trunk.

Carmine, don't tell
me this, all right?

I'd like to think of
this as an honest gift.

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

Carmine.

Oh, no, believe me, it's on
the up and up, believe me.

Now stay here, don't go away.

I've got another
surprise for you.

Another surprise?!

Should I close my eyes?

Not if you want to see it.

He's so clever.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Oh, gosh, oh, gosh.

Just what do you two
think you're doing anyway?

Don't you know nothing?

It's an old custom of the sea.

Yeah, we've been grabbing
all the women good-bye.

Well, gentlemen, you're
wasting yourselves on me.

She's right, we can
grab Shirley anytime.

Ooh, there's someone
who's very grabbable.

Shirl, Shirl, you got to
see this, you got to see it.

Go ahead, show her.

Okay, make her dance.

Laverne, you're drawing
unwanted attention.

Huh? What?

I'm telling you,
Shirl, it's a lost art.

Yes, and I can see why.

Okay, Bernie,
I'll see you later.

Hey, I'm next.

Oh, oh.

Hey, what are you...?

Don't you know nothing
about customs of the sea?

Help, help!

Somebody give me
a hand here, will ya?!

Pull. Pull him out.

Okay, everybody, calm down.

How can I calm down when
your boat is eating my friend?

Don't worry, I'll have
him out of there in a jiffy.

Huh?

Just relax, and
take a deep breath.

Thanks for the lift, sailor.

Are you okay, Squig?

Okay?

My entire life flushed
in front of my eyes.

If you need any more assistance,
just yell for Ensign Benson.

Your name is Ensign Benson?

Why don't you call me Gary?

Boy, did you see the
way he tipped his hat

and looked at you?

Well, what are you waiting for?

Go jump on him.

I'm here to meet
gentlemen, not sailors.

Sailors are gentlemen.

A man with a mother tattooed
on his stomach is a gentleman?

All ashore that's going ashore.

All visitors please disembark.

Please don't, please don't.

What are you doing?

The guy said, "All visitors
please do some barks."

I did my best one, Shirl.
This was good, yeah.

He said "disembark."
What does that mean?

I don't even know what that
means. It means get off the boat.

Get some bubbly here.

Get some bubbly.

Everyone.

Carmine, this is
really a surprise.

Oh, Carmine...
Hey, a toast, a toast.

As the French
would say, "Bon trip."

Bon trip. Bon trip. Bon trip.

Well, I guess this is
good-bye, Laverne.

Yes, good-bye. Bye.

Come on, Laverne, hurry up.

We want to get unpacked
and get up on that deck.

There must be 600
men aboard this ship.

Many of them with briefcases.

I don't know, Shirl, it
just keeps on rocking.

It goes up and down,

up and down, up and down.

Laverne, Laverne,
quit thinking about it.

Try and make the best of it.

Come on.

We're here to have fun.

This is our vacation,
we're going to have...

Your attention, please.

We believe there are
stowaways aboard ship.

If you see anyone
suspicious, please let us know.

Anyone helping these stowaways
will be dealt with severely

and sent off the
ship. Thank you.

Did you hear that? Yeah.

Now what sort of
cheap, pathetic freeloader

would stow away on a ship?

Hello.

Next week on
Laverne and Shirley.

Please, come on,
Laverne, come on, come on.

Let's just kick them
out of the cabin

and never let
them back in again.

We won't turn you
in this one time.

Shirl, you are a saint.

She's better than a
saint, she's a, a Pope.

Well, Captain, hello.

I've been looking
all over for you.

You look as lovely as a rose.

Well, so I fell
for him, so what?

But I'm not letting this
romance go any further.

You're getting married!

Get your clammy
paws off my wife, buddy.

Whoa!

A sailor told me there's only
two cures for seasickness:

making out and peanut butter.

Hi, you married?

So no matter what,

don't leave us alone together.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪