Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 3 - Bachelor Mothers - full transcript
It's Saturday night and the girls have no dates. Fonzie drops by and asks the girls to babysit his god son and they do. But when someone asks them out, they play odds and even to see who stays with the baby and Shirley who usually wins loses. After Shirley leaves the guy who ask them out calls to say they can't make it. So Shirley asks Lenny and Squiggy to go catch her but they refuse. Shirley goes and asks them to watch the baby. When they come back they find the baby gone, the guys say someone came saying he's the father and took the baby. The girls are worried when the mother shows up.
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Ack!
Tubes, wires, old... stinks!
Can't fix this.
Worst TV set I ever
saw in my whole life!
Well, thanks for
trying anyway, Pop.
What are you so sad about?
It's only a TV set.
Oh, it's not just that.
I just hate staying
home on Saturday nights.
I solved your problem.
Here, I got two tickets to
see the Braves game, right!
I thought you were
taking Uncle Fungi?
Last time I took him, he threw
meatballs at Pee Wee Reese.
Well, no, thanks, Pop,
I can't go out with my
father on a Saturday night.
Some of my friends might see me.
If it was Tuesday
night, you can go?
Oh, sure, why not?
What's the difference
between Tuesday, Saturday,
Friday, Monday, what?
Oh, there's a
difference, Pop. There is.
Hi, gang.
Ah, Shirley, you wanna
go to the ballgame with me?
I got two tickets.
On a Saturday night?
No.
There's something wrong with
the both of you, you know that?
Something is wrong.
I'm gonna take you to the doctor
and if he finds
out you're all right,
I'll take him to a doctor.
You're both crazy.
Did Mel and Sam call?
No.
Oh, well, so we don't go to
Chicago tonight, so what?
Well, the TV's still busted.
We're stuck here
with nothing to do.
Oh, not so.
I bought a whole
box of Scooter Pies.
We can eat
ourselves into oblivion.
Hey, there's seven of them.
Who gets the extra one?
Uh, well, we'll choose for it.
No, I always lose
when we do that.
Oh, come on, come on.
Now there's no other way.
Okay, odds.
All right, I'll take evens.
Once, twice, three, shoot!
Yours.
Once, twice, three, shoot!
Mine. Once, twice, three, shoot!
Mine, okay.
Okay, we'll choose
for the Clearasil later.
I got some Hershey bars...
Did you get 'em with nuts...?
I couldn't get 'em with nuts
and I knew you were
gonna ask me that.
Manny said he's not
gonna get the shipment
with nuts until next week.
Who is it?
Heeeey.
Oh, Fonzie, my, this
is a pleasant surprise.
Of course.
Hey, Laverne, spin it around.
Let me see ya.
Yeah, yeah, you got
the best L's in town.
Uh, what are you doin'
on this side of the tracks?
Your bike break down?
No, no.
I just came to look over
the belles of bottlecapping,
you know what I'm talking
about? You girls kill me.
I think he wants
something, Shirl.
You know, that's
what I like about you.
You're not only beautiful;
you got brains, you know that?
You're the most
intelligent chick I know.
What do you want, Fonz?
Hey, my little bird
of paradise, I love ya.
Spit it out, Fonzie.
All right, I can see that
anticipation is grabbing
at ya, grabbin' at ya.
I will be back in one moment.
Can you hold on?
Can you hold it?
Hey, try not to
miss me too much.
I don't care how
nice he is to us
and I don't care how
many times he kisses us,
I ain't goin' out
with those two friends
of his from the garage.
Aw, Lou was nice.
He wore his Texaco
cap the entire night.
Oh, he took it
off in the movies.
What are you talkin' about?
Look, we've got nothing
better to do tonight.
If he's got dates
for us, I'm goin'.
Well, I ain't.
That's all there is to that.
Eh, it doesn't look
like a date, Shirl.
Louisa Corrigan, say
"hello" to Laverne...
Hello. Hi.
And Shirley. Hi, there. Hi.
Oh, isn't he cute?
How adorable.
Oh, he's so little.
Hey, hey, a little respect here.
This is my godson,
Danny Corrigan, Junior.
Hi there, Danny.
Hi sweet.
Oh, oh!
He grabbed my finger!
Aw, look, he's making bubbles.
You see that?
You see that, they love him.
Now, give 'em the baby stuff.
We're going to be late for
your husband's banquet.
Fonzie, I'm, I'm still not
sure about this. Are you...
will you look at the way
they're getting along?
The big one is
going gitchy-gitchy;
the little one is going goo-goo.
Well, maybe they
have other plans tonight.
No, no, we're just gonna
sit around and stuff our...
Uh, uh, we did
have plans tonight.
We were gonna go down to the
Pizza Bowl and we were gonna...
What the heck?
You know, we'll... My girls.
My girls, I love you.
Oh, well, thanks a million.
Uh, here's his formula Okay.
And here's a list
of instructions.
Okay. And we'll
be back about 8:00.
Okay.
All right, now Danny,
you be a good little boy.
Mmm.
Mommy loves you.
Bye-bye.
Aww. Aww.
Don't cry.
Let's go.
Laverne, why is
this child crying?
Will you tell me that?
I don't know.
Come on, uh... ♪
Rockabye, baby ♪
♪ Rockabye, rockabye, baby. ♪
Wait, I got an idea.
Hey!
Whoa.
Hey, whoa!
Hey, whoa, hey, hey, whoa!
No, that only works for him.
Oh, okay how about some faces?
Wanna see some faces?
Hi, baby.
Hi, baby, how you doing?
How about this one?
Hi, baby, hi, baby.
That's it.
That's got it!
Okay. That's good.
Do it again. Show it to him.
Just show it to him.
Put your face in there.
There, yes, sweetie.
Yes, sweetheart.
There we go. That's it.
How long do I have to do this?
Just until he falls to sleep.
That's it.
Hey, the big Ragoo is here!
Hi, Carmine.
Hey, listen, Angel
Face, I need a big favor.
I'm going out with
Lucille tonight.
Can I borrow your car?
I thought Lucille has a
brand-new Thunderbird.
Yeah, she does.
It's in the shop.
She's having my initials put
on the glove compartment.
Okay, the keys are
in my purse there.
Help yourself. Oh, thanks.
I can't do this anymore. Oh.
What if my face stays like that?
It won't stay like
that. Come on...
Hey, hey, I can quiet the baby.
I can quiet him.
You know about babies?
Sure. I was a baby once.
I used to be the Little Ragoo.
Well, give it a shot.
♪ Lullaby and good night ♪
♪ With roses bedight ♪
♪ Creep into thy bed ♪
♪ And pillow your head ♪
♪ Lullaby and good night ♪
♪ With roses bedight... ♪
Hello?
Oh, hi, Mel.
It's Mel from Chicago.
Hi, Mel.
How are you?
Ask him how Sam is.
Ask him about Sam.
How's Sam?
Right there? Give me that.
Hello, Mel?
Put Sam on.
Hi, Sam.
No, Shirley.
Oh, I'm very wonderful.
And how are you?
Hmm?
What? What? What? What?
What? What? What? What?
They wanna know if
we can come to Chicago
and go to the Chez
Paree with them! Oh!
Hi, Sam?
Put Mel on. No, this is Laverne.
Put Mel on.
Hi, Mel?
No, this is Laverne.
Uh... listen,
who's playing at the
Chez Paree tonight?
Oh, it's Johnny Mathis!
Johnny Mathis!
Hello, Mel, put Sam on.
Uh, give me that!
Hello, Sam, put Mel on.
Who do I like?
Uh, Mel. Mel.
Hi, Mel or Sam, this
is Laverne or Shirley.
Look, uh, we loaned
our car out tonight,
so we'll take a bus to Chicago
and we'll be at the
depot at 8:30, okay?
Okay.
Good-bye, Mel...
Sam... Mel... Sam.
We're going to Chicago!
We're gonna see Johnny Mathis!
One of us has gotta stay
here and watch the baby.
Evens.
I'm gonna take odds.
Aw, gee, look at that.
It's starting to drizzle.
Well, I guess I don't
wear my mink stole.
I'll just take my
raincoat and a scarf.
What the heck, I'll be
on the bus in ten minutes.
Right?
Got my scarf,
got my purse and keys... well...
Bring me back an ashtray
or a matchbook or something.
Oh, please don't do that.
Come on. Don't do that.
Do you want me not to go?
No... I want you to go.
It was a fair choose.
You won fair and square.
Look, um, come on.
Keep your chin up, okay?
You can have all
my Scooter Pies.
And I'll bring you an
autograph of, uh, Johnny Mathis.
Okay?
Bye.
Which one do I like again?
Mel.
Mel, Mel, Mel, I gotta remember.
Mel.
Fair choose, my elbow!
She gave me a late finger there.
Oh, ho, ho, she sets
me up with Scooter Pies,
and then she lowers the
boom with Johnny Mathis.
Oh, well, you and
I'll have fun, huh?
We'll chit-chat.
We'll eat Scooter Pies together.
Listen to that.
It's raining cats
and dogs out there.
Laverne's gonna be
soaked to the bone.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Sam.
Laverne's on her way.
I've taken mysteriously ill.
Uh, what?
Huh?
Oh!
- Just a minute... uh...
- Laverne!
Uh, I don't know.
I'll try.
Okay, okay, bye-bye.
Ouch.
Lenny, Squiggy, come down here!
It's an emergency!
We can't!
We're cooking dinner!
Come down here
right now, please!
Ow, ow.
That was Mel or Sam.
I don't know which one.
Anyway, they can't
meet Laverne in Chicago
'cause it's raining there
and their, their
store got flooded,
and, uh, unless
we catch Laverne,
she's gonna spend three hours
traveling to and from Chicago
with nobody there to meet her...
And why am I telling
this to an infant?
What happened?
You got burglars? Yeah.
I brought old Betsy.
Listen to me and
listen carefully.
I need you to run
down to the bus stop
and tell Laverne
not to go to Chicago.
No, no, don't go to Chicago.
No, no. Uh-eh-eh-eh...
No, no. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
No, no, no, Shirl.
We can't do that
because we happen
to be cooking dinner
for two gypsy girls
we're expecting tonight.
We got two pounds of
tea leaves on the stove.
It's just eight blocks.
Just run down there, please.
Please, will you?
Okay, all right.
I'll go get you an
umbrella. Okay, sure, sure.
What are neighbors
for, you know?
What are neighbors for?
What's wrong with you?
What did you do... lease
your brain for science?
Huh?
Can't you tell a joke when
it's being played upon you?
What, wh-what do you mean?
Remember when we stuffed snow
down their backs last winter?
Yeah, that was fun.
Sure, it was delightful,
but they swore they'd get even.
Yeah.
And now this is it.
They want us to run
outside in the rain
like a couple of
wild goose chasers.
Boy, what a cheap trick!
You expect an expensive
trick from their kind?
I guess not, huh?
I'm sorry, fellas;
the umbrella's broke,
but look, you got hats on.
Ah, save it, save it, Shirl.
We're onto your little game.
What are you talking about?
Come on out, Laverne!
We know you're here some place.
What are you talking about?
This is no joke.
Look, unless we stop Laverne,
she is going to spend
three hours traveling
to and from Chicago.
Please. Oh-ho, Chicago, huh?
Well, if it's so important,
why don't you go down
and you get Laverne, huh?
There you go.
Because I have to stay here
to look after the baby.
That's why.
Look at that.
They even got a
baby for the joke.
The lowest, the lowest.
Well, we'll take care of the kid
and you go get
Laverne, all right?
Yeah.
You two will watch the baby?
Oh, sure, nothing to it.
I think she's fallen
for it. All right.
Okay, I'll only be two minutes.
Just two minutes.
I'm looking, I'm looking.
Now, look, he's been
fed and diapered.
You don't need to do a thing.
Don't do... don't touch him.
I don't touch him.
He's my friend.
No, no, not him.
Don't touch the baby!
Don't do anything.
Don't do anything.
Just watch him.
Just watch...
Okay, I'll be... right
back, right back.
Kitchy-kitchy-koo...
The kid don't
understand English.
Ugh... who cares
if they got flooded?
They sell mops.
All I know is the man
called on the phone
and he was
screaming out in panic.
I'm gonna get the...
Look what happened to my dress.
Look, I'm sopping wet here.
Hey, will you shut up?
We're trying to watch the
Heckle and Jeckle program.
Laverne? What?
What is it?
Where's the baby?
The what? The baby.
Where is the baby?
Oh, oh, i-it's gone, but
could you keep it down?
You miss two words Jeckle says,
you lose track
of the whole plot.
What happened to the baby?
Uh, some guy
came by and took it.
I think it was the mother.
What?!
Get yourself together.
Take deep breaths here.
They took the
baby. I know, I know.
Just calm down.
We gotta remain
very calm about this.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I lost my calm.
Okay, where is it?
The baby... Where is it?
Some guy came by
and said he was gonna
take the kid to the mother.
Yeah, maybe it was
the father, Laverne.
Uh, he, he looked just like
the kid, only a little taller.
Kidnapped, kidnapped.
Danny's been kidnapped.
What are we gonna do?
Oh, what is up your nose?
Listen, it was all just a
practical joke, wasn't it?
Har-de-har-har, har-de-har-har.
I cannot believe you
gave away the baby!
Aw, thanks a lot.
You busted the set.
Now we're never
gonna know how it ends.
Who cares how it ends?
Who cares how it ends?!
That's the whole point of
the beginning and middle.
Come on, Len, they're just sore
because we didn't
get their stupid joke.
Yeah, we probably
burned the tea leaves, too.
Now the gypsies
got nothing to read.
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
Okay, okay.
Maybe it was the father
who came and got the baby.
But maybe it wasn't the father
who came and got the baby.
Yeah, but maybe it
was. But maybe it wasn't.
Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't.
Maybe it was! Maybe it wasn't!
This is not a time to argue!
Whoa, would the father... What?
Get the baby and
leave his baby's things?
Maybe it's... not his things.
This is the same bag.
Examine it.
I don't want to examine it.
All right.
Then we know this
much is true now.
A man... A man...
Taller than the baby...
Taller than the baby...
Disguised as a father...
Disguised as a father...
Came and took the baby away!
Came and took the baby away!
Oh, Laverne, I'm
getting hysterical!
No, don't get hysterical.
Where is that baby?!
Oh!
Ah.
Thank you, thank you.
You hit me.
I'm sorry.
I was trying to get
a grip on myself.
I'm calling the police.
I said I was sorry!
I'm sorry!
Oh, no, no, I'm calling
the police about the baby.
Yes, good idea!
Call the police right away.
Call them right away. Calm down.
I'm calling 'em,
I'm calling 'em.
Hello... Hello. Hello.
Hi. Hi.
Hi. Oh... good-bye.
Hello.
Hi. Hi... Hi... uh,
back so soon?
Oh, yes, the ceremony
was wonderful.
Want a Scooter Pie?
No, I can't stay.
Oh, good.
I want to thank you for
taking care of Danny for me.
Danny? Danny!
Oh!
Danny is her favorite name.
Oh, you know, I missed him.
Mm...
Well, you can always
have other children.
You're young.
Oh!
Uh, yeah, uh,
little brothers and
sisters for little Danny boy.
Little brothers and sisters.
Well, you know, I've never
been separated from him before,
and really, to be honest, I was
afraid something might happen
to him. We confess!
I confess!
We confess, we
confess, we confess...
that we love that boy.
Whoo!
Whoo, do we love
that boy, don't we?
Love him to death.
We love him.
Well, you know, a-all my worries
were for nothing, because, uh,
when my husband picked
him up, he was just fine.
Husband picked him up.
Husband picked him up!
Husband... picked him up!
Husband picked him up...!
Uh, yeah, my husband
said that you weren't here,
that there were two guys here.
Oh! Uh, yes, yes.
We, uh, we had clowns
come in to entertain him.
Clowns, yeah.
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Well, I just came by to
pick up the extra bottles
and the diapers and
everything. Oh, that's all in there.
Okay, I gotta go. Bye, Louisa.
Thank you very much,
bye. Any time. Bye!
And bye.
Oh, oh!
My little heart.
Oh, oh.
Laverne. Huh?
What if, what if that hadn't
been the baby's father?
Oh, don't even think about that.
I have to think about that.
I left the baby alone
with Lenny and Squiggy.
Oh, look at your face.
I left the baby alone
with Lenny and Squiggy.
Well, you had to, I guess.
No, you had to. I did?
Yeah, I mean, I would
have been standing
at that bus depot,
rain running down
my little face, and...
I would have done
the same for you.
Really, you would have?
Of course, I would
have bought an umbrella,
but that's besides the point.
The umbrella's broke.
Oh... No, I blew it.
A lost baby is worse
than a wet friend.
Yeah.
Look, look, I-I'll try
to fix the TV here.
I mean, if Lenny...
Well, if Lenny and
Squiggy can get something,
I certainly can.
Okay, maybe Tales
of Wells Fargo is on.
Oh. Come on.
Come on.
Who is it?
All right, listen, hey.
First of all, first of all, you
girls gotta lock that door.
That's very dangerous...
It is dangerous...
And second of all,
you've got to help me find
that little baby's,
uh... Blanket? No.
No, no, no, the
thing that you...
Pacifier? No, no, no, no.
The thing that you,
that you shake to,
you know, keep him... Oh, oh...
Yeah, right. Oh, oh,
oh, this thing here.
Oh, it's called a rattle, Fonz.
I know that, I know that.
Thanks very much.
Later, girls, later
Bye. Fonzie, all I
could get is lines.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, shove over.
Heckle and Jeckle!
Yeah, Wells Fargo is,
uh, on this other channel.
I know, but that was
Heckle and Jeckle.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Ack!
Tubes, wires, old... stinks!
Can't fix this.
Worst TV set I ever
saw in my whole life!
Well, thanks for
trying anyway, Pop.
What are you so sad about?
It's only a TV set.
Oh, it's not just that.
I just hate staying
home on Saturday nights.
I solved your problem.
Here, I got two tickets to
see the Braves game, right!
I thought you were
taking Uncle Fungi?
Last time I took him, he threw
meatballs at Pee Wee Reese.
Well, no, thanks, Pop,
I can't go out with my
father on a Saturday night.
Some of my friends might see me.
If it was Tuesday
night, you can go?
Oh, sure, why not?
What's the difference
between Tuesday, Saturday,
Friday, Monday, what?
Oh, there's a
difference, Pop. There is.
Hi, gang.
Ah, Shirley, you wanna
go to the ballgame with me?
I got two tickets.
On a Saturday night?
No.
There's something wrong with
the both of you, you know that?
Something is wrong.
I'm gonna take you to the doctor
and if he finds
out you're all right,
I'll take him to a doctor.
You're both crazy.
Did Mel and Sam call?
No.
Oh, well, so we don't go to
Chicago tonight, so what?
Well, the TV's still busted.
We're stuck here
with nothing to do.
Oh, not so.
I bought a whole
box of Scooter Pies.
We can eat
ourselves into oblivion.
Hey, there's seven of them.
Who gets the extra one?
Uh, well, we'll choose for it.
No, I always lose
when we do that.
Oh, come on, come on.
Now there's no other way.
Okay, odds.
All right, I'll take evens.
Once, twice, three, shoot!
Yours.
Once, twice, three, shoot!
Mine. Once, twice, three, shoot!
Mine, okay.
Okay, we'll choose
for the Clearasil later.
I got some Hershey bars...
Did you get 'em with nuts...?
I couldn't get 'em with nuts
and I knew you were
gonna ask me that.
Manny said he's not
gonna get the shipment
with nuts until next week.
Who is it?
Heeeey.
Oh, Fonzie, my, this
is a pleasant surprise.
Of course.
Hey, Laverne, spin it around.
Let me see ya.
Yeah, yeah, you got
the best L's in town.
Uh, what are you doin'
on this side of the tracks?
Your bike break down?
No, no.
I just came to look over
the belles of bottlecapping,
you know what I'm talking
about? You girls kill me.
I think he wants
something, Shirl.
You know, that's
what I like about you.
You're not only beautiful;
you got brains, you know that?
You're the most
intelligent chick I know.
What do you want, Fonz?
Hey, my little bird
of paradise, I love ya.
Spit it out, Fonzie.
All right, I can see that
anticipation is grabbing
at ya, grabbin' at ya.
I will be back in one moment.
Can you hold on?
Can you hold it?
Hey, try not to
miss me too much.
I don't care how
nice he is to us
and I don't care how
many times he kisses us,
I ain't goin' out
with those two friends
of his from the garage.
Aw, Lou was nice.
He wore his Texaco
cap the entire night.
Oh, he took it
off in the movies.
What are you talkin' about?
Look, we've got nothing
better to do tonight.
If he's got dates
for us, I'm goin'.
Well, I ain't.
That's all there is to that.
Eh, it doesn't look
like a date, Shirl.
Louisa Corrigan, say
"hello" to Laverne...
Hello. Hi.
And Shirley. Hi, there. Hi.
Oh, isn't he cute?
How adorable.
Oh, he's so little.
Hey, hey, a little respect here.
This is my godson,
Danny Corrigan, Junior.
Hi there, Danny.
Hi sweet.
Oh, oh!
He grabbed my finger!
Aw, look, he's making bubbles.
You see that?
You see that, they love him.
Now, give 'em the baby stuff.
We're going to be late for
your husband's banquet.
Fonzie, I'm, I'm still not
sure about this. Are you...
will you look at the way
they're getting along?
The big one is
going gitchy-gitchy;
the little one is going goo-goo.
Well, maybe they
have other plans tonight.
No, no, we're just gonna
sit around and stuff our...
Uh, uh, we did
have plans tonight.
We were gonna go down to the
Pizza Bowl and we were gonna...
What the heck?
You know, we'll... My girls.
My girls, I love you.
Oh, well, thanks a million.
Uh, here's his formula Okay.
And here's a list
of instructions.
Okay. And we'll
be back about 8:00.
Okay.
All right, now Danny,
you be a good little boy.
Mmm.
Mommy loves you.
Bye-bye.
Aww. Aww.
Don't cry.
Let's go.
Laverne, why is
this child crying?
Will you tell me that?
I don't know.
Come on, uh... ♪
Rockabye, baby ♪
♪ Rockabye, rockabye, baby. ♪
Wait, I got an idea.
Hey!
Whoa.
Hey, whoa!
Hey, whoa, hey, hey, whoa!
No, that only works for him.
Oh, okay how about some faces?
Wanna see some faces?
Hi, baby.
Hi, baby, how you doing?
How about this one?
Hi, baby, hi, baby.
That's it.
That's got it!
Okay. That's good.
Do it again. Show it to him.
Just show it to him.
Put your face in there.
There, yes, sweetie.
Yes, sweetheart.
There we go. That's it.
How long do I have to do this?
Just until he falls to sleep.
That's it.
Hey, the big Ragoo is here!
Hi, Carmine.
Hey, listen, Angel
Face, I need a big favor.
I'm going out with
Lucille tonight.
Can I borrow your car?
I thought Lucille has a
brand-new Thunderbird.
Yeah, she does.
It's in the shop.
She's having my initials put
on the glove compartment.
Okay, the keys are
in my purse there.
Help yourself. Oh, thanks.
I can't do this anymore. Oh.
What if my face stays like that?
It won't stay like
that. Come on...
Hey, hey, I can quiet the baby.
I can quiet him.
You know about babies?
Sure. I was a baby once.
I used to be the Little Ragoo.
Well, give it a shot.
♪ Lullaby and good night ♪
♪ With roses bedight ♪
♪ Creep into thy bed ♪
♪ And pillow your head ♪
♪ Lullaby and good night ♪
♪ With roses bedight... ♪
Hello?
Oh, hi, Mel.
It's Mel from Chicago.
Hi, Mel.
How are you?
Ask him how Sam is.
Ask him about Sam.
How's Sam?
Right there? Give me that.
Hello, Mel?
Put Sam on.
Hi, Sam.
No, Shirley.
Oh, I'm very wonderful.
And how are you?
Hmm?
What? What? What? What?
What? What? What? What?
They wanna know if
we can come to Chicago
and go to the Chez
Paree with them! Oh!
Hi, Sam?
Put Mel on. No, this is Laverne.
Put Mel on.
Hi, Mel?
No, this is Laverne.
Uh... listen,
who's playing at the
Chez Paree tonight?
Oh, it's Johnny Mathis!
Johnny Mathis!
Hello, Mel, put Sam on.
Uh, give me that!
Hello, Sam, put Mel on.
Who do I like?
Uh, Mel. Mel.
Hi, Mel or Sam, this
is Laverne or Shirley.
Look, uh, we loaned
our car out tonight,
so we'll take a bus to Chicago
and we'll be at the
depot at 8:30, okay?
Okay.
Good-bye, Mel...
Sam... Mel... Sam.
We're going to Chicago!
We're gonna see Johnny Mathis!
One of us has gotta stay
here and watch the baby.
Evens.
I'm gonna take odds.
Aw, gee, look at that.
It's starting to drizzle.
Well, I guess I don't
wear my mink stole.
I'll just take my
raincoat and a scarf.
What the heck, I'll be
on the bus in ten minutes.
Right?
Got my scarf,
got my purse and keys... well...
Bring me back an ashtray
or a matchbook or something.
Oh, please don't do that.
Come on. Don't do that.
Do you want me not to go?
No... I want you to go.
It was a fair choose.
You won fair and square.
Look, um, come on.
Keep your chin up, okay?
You can have all
my Scooter Pies.
And I'll bring you an
autograph of, uh, Johnny Mathis.
Okay?
Bye.
Which one do I like again?
Mel.
Mel, Mel, Mel, I gotta remember.
Mel.
Fair choose, my elbow!
She gave me a late finger there.
Oh, ho, ho, she sets
me up with Scooter Pies,
and then she lowers the
boom with Johnny Mathis.
Oh, well, you and
I'll have fun, huh?
We'll chit-chat.
We'll eat Scooter Pies together.
Listen to that.
It's raining cats
and dogs out there.
Laverne's gonna be
soaked to the bone.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Sam.
Laverne's on her way.
I've taken mysteriously ill.
Uh, what?
Huh?
Oh!
- Just a minute... uh...
- Laverne!
Uh, I don't know.
I'll try.
Okay, okay, bye-bye.
Ouch.
Lenny, Squiggy, come down here!
It's an emergency!
We can't!
We're cooking dinner!
Come down here
right now, please!
Ow, ow.
That was Mel or Sam.
I don't know which one.
Anyway, they can't
meet Laverne in Chicago
'cause it's raining there
and their, their
store got flooded,
and, uh, unless
we catch Laverne,
she's gonna spend three hours
traveling to and from Chicago
with nobody there to meet her...
And why am I telling
this to an infant?
What happened?
You got burglars? Yeah.
I brought old Betsy.
Listen to me and
listen carefully.
I need you to run
down to the bus stop
and tell Laverne
not to go to Chicago.
No, no, don't go to Chicago.
No, no. Uh-eh-eh-eh...
No, no. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
No, no, no, Shirl.
We can't do that
because we happen
to be cooking dinner
for two gypsy girls
we're expecting tonight.
We got two pounds of
tea leaves on the stove.
It's just eight blocks.
Just run down there, please.
Please, will you?
Okay, all right.
I'll go get you an
umbrella. Okay, sure, sure.
What are neighbors
for, you know?
What are neighbors for?
What's wrong with you?
What did you do... lease
your brain for science?
Huh?
Can't you tell a joke when
it's being played upon you?
What, wh-what do you mean?
Remember when we stuffed snow
down their backs last winter?
Yeah, that was fun.
Sure, it was delightful,
but they swore they'd get even.
Yeah.
And now this is it.
They want us to run
outside in the rain
like a couple of
wild goose chasers.
Boy, what a cheap trick!
You expect an expensive
trick from their kind?
I guess not, huh?
I'm sorry, fellas;
the umbrella's broke,
but look, you got hats on.
Ah, save it, save it, Shirl.
We're onto your little game.
What are you talking about?
Come on out, Laverne!
We know you're here some place.
What are you talking about?
This is no joke.
Look, unless we stop Laverne,
she is going to spend
three hours traveling
to and from Chicago.
Please. Oh-ho, Chicago, huh?
Well, if it's so important,
why don't you go down
and you get Laverne, huh?
There you go.
Because I have to stay here
to look after the baby.
That's why.
Look at that.
They even got a
baby for the joke.
The lowest, the lowest.
Well, we'll take care of the kid
and you go get
Laverne, all right?
Yeah.
You two will watch the baby?
Oh, sure, nothing to it.
I think she's fallen
for it. All right.
Okay, I'll only be two minutes.
Just two minutes.
I'm looking, I'm looking.
Now, look, he's been
fed and diapered.
You don't need to do a thing.
Don't do... don't touch him.
I don't touch him.
He's my friend.
No, no, not him.
Don't touch the baby!
Don't do anything.
Don't do anything.
Just watch him.
Just watch...
Okay, I'll be... right
back, right back.
Kitchy-kitchy-koo...
The kid don't
understand English.
Ugh... who cares
if they got flooded?
They sell mops.
All I know is the man
called on the phone
and he was
screaming out in panic.
I'm gonna get the...
Look what happened to my dress.
Look, I'm sopping wet here.
Hey, will you shut up?
We're trying to watch the
Heckle and Jeckle program.
Laverne? What?
What is it?
Where's the baby?
The what? The baby.
Where is the baby?
Oh, oh, i-it's gone, but
could you keep it down?
You miss two words Jeckle says,
you lose track
of the whole plot.
What happened to the baby?
Uh, some guy
came by and took it.
I think it was the mother.
What?!
Get yourself together.
Take deep breaths here.
They took the
baby. I know, I know.
Just calm down.
We gotta remain
very calm about this.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I lost my calm.
Okay, where is it?
The baby... Where is it?
Some guy came by
and said he was gonna
take the kid to the mother.
Yeah, maybe it was
the father, Laverne.
Uh, he, he looked just like
the kid, only a little taller.
Kidnapped, kidnapped.
Danny's been kidnapped.
What are we gonna do?
Oh, what is up your nose?
Listen, it was all just a
practical joke, wasn't it?
Har-de-har-har, har-de-har-har.
I cannot believe you
gave away the baby!
Aw, thanks a lot.
You busted the set.
Now we're never
gonna know how it ends.
Who cares how it ends?
Who cares how it ends?!
That's the whole point of
the beginning and middle.
Come on, Len, they're just sore
because we didn't
get their stupid joke.
Yeah, we probably
burned the tea leaves, too.
Now the gypsies
got nothing to read.
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
Okay, okay.
Maybe it was the father
who came and got the baby.
But maybe it wasn't the father
who came and got the baby.
Yeah, but maybe it
was. But maybe it wasn't.
Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't.
Maybe it was! Maybe it wasn't!
This is not a time to argue!
Whoa, would the father... What?
Get the baby and
leave his baby's things?
Maybe it's... not his things.
This is the same bag.
Examine it.
I don't want to examine it.
All right.
Then we know this
much is true now.
A man... A man...
Taller than the baby...
Taller than the baby...
Disguised as a father...
Disguised as a father...
Came and took the baby away!
Came and took the baby away!
Oh, Laverne, I'm
getting hysterical!
No, don't get hysterical.
Where is that baby?!
Oh!
Ah.
Thank you, thank you.
You hit me.
I'm sorry.
I was trying to get
a grip on myself.
I'm calling the police.
I said I was sorry!
I'm sorry!
Oh, no, no, I'm calling
the police about the baby.
Yes, good idea!
Call the police right away.
Call them right away. Calm down.
I'm calling 'em,
I'm calling 'em.
Hello... Hello. Hello.
Hi. Hi.
Hi. Oh... good-bye.
Hello.
Hi. Hi... Hi... uh,
back so soon?
Oh, yes, the ceremony
was wonderful.
Want a Scooter Pie?
No, I can't stay.
Oh, good.
I want to thank you for
taking care of Danny for me.
Danny? Danny!
Oh!
Danny is her favorite name.
Oh, you know, I missed him.
Mm...
Well, you can always
have other children.
You're young.
Oh!
Uh, yeah, uh,
little brothers and
sisters for little Danny boy.
Little brothers and sisters.
Well, you know, I've never
been separated from him before,
and really, to be honest, I was
afraid something might happen
to him. We confess!
I confess!
We confess, we
confess, we confess...
that we love that boy.
Whoo!
Whoo, do we love
that boy, don't we?
Love him to death.
We love him.
Well, you know, a-all my worries
were for nothing, because, uh,
when my husband picked
him up, he was just fine.
Husband picked him up.
Husband picked him up!
Husband... picked him up!
Husband picked him up...!
Uh, yeah, my husband
said that you weren't here,
that there were two guys here.
Oh! Uh, yes, yes.
We, uh, we had clowns
come in to entertain him.
Clowns, yeah.
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Well, I just came by to
pick up the extra bottles
and the diapers and
everything. Oh, that's all in there.
Okay, I gotta go. Bye, Louisa.
Thank you very much,
bye. Any time. Bye!
And bye.
Oh, oh!
My little heart.
Oh, oh.
Laverne. Huh?
What if, what if that hadn't
been the baby's father?
Oh, don't even think about that.
I have to think about that.
I left the baby alone
with Lenny and Squiggy.
Oh, look at your face.
I left the baby alone
with Lenny and Squiggy.
Well, you had to, I guess.
No, you had to. I did?
Yeah, I mean, I would
have been standing
at that bus depot,
rain running down
my little face, and...
I would have done
the same for you.
Really, you would have?
Of course, I would
have bought an umbrella,
but that's besides the point.
The umbrella's broke.
Oh... No, I blew it.
A lost baby is worse
than a wet friend.
Yeah.
Look, look, I-I'll try
to fix the TV here.
I mean, if Lenny...
Well, if Lenny and
Squiggy can get something,
I certainly can.
Okay, maybe Tales
of Wells Fargo is on.
Oh. Come on.
Come on.
Who is it?
All right, listen, hey.
First of all, first of all, you
girls gotta lock that door.
That's very dangerous...
It is dangerous...
And second of all,
you've got to help me find
that little baby's,
uh... Blanket? No.
No, no, no, the
thing that you...
Pacifier? No, no, no, no.
The thing that you,
that you shake to,
you know, keep him... Oh, oh...
Yeah, right. Oh, oh,
oh, this thing here.
Oh, it's called a rattle, Fonz.
I know that, I know that.
Thanks very much.
Later, girls, later
Bye. Fonzie, all I
could get is lines.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, shove over.
Heckle and Jeckle!
Yeah, Wells Fargo is,
uh, on this other channel.
I know, but that was
Heckle and Jeckle.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪