Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 5 - Outdoor Toddler - full transcript

(Vanessa laughing)

- You're back!
- Hey, hi.

How did the grandkids
like the park?

Well, not much sand left
in that box.

What they didn't eat,
they're probably wearing.

(laughs)

Look at these pictures.

Ooh. Looks like most of them
are of the inside of my pouch.

(chuckles)

Look, look, look.

There you go. Look at that.



- Look at those dirty faces.
- Oh, my goodness.

-Can you get a cavity from
looking at so much sweetness?
-Mm. (chuckles)

I'm gonna send this one
to my sister Nicole.

Look, who can resist
Sarah and Evelyn

playing muddy patty-cake?

Oh, here we go.

What do you mean by that?

Uh, Nicole and I send each other
pictures of our grandbabies

just to keep each other updated,

and-and Mike thinks
it's bragging.

It's like bragging
with really sharp knives.

Okay, okay.
I'll admit my sister and I

have a friendly rivalry.

We-we just...
we push each other to be better.



I get it, Vanessa.
Like Venus and Serena.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, a little less
like Grand Slam tennis,

more like
a Connecticut catfight.

(Vanessa groans)

Any minute now.

(electronic ding)

- Oh.
- And return serve!

(laughs) Here we go.

Nicole sent a picture
of her grandson.

- MIKE: Mm.
- "Here's our little Ben

"having his portrait shot
at a real studio.

(mocking): The photographer
thinks he could be a model."

Holy Harry Styles!

- He's gorgeous!
- Oh, stop it. Come on.

Who puts a toddler in an ascot?

All right, you know what?
It's on, it's on.

You're gonna get so much cute,
you're gonna choke on it.

Mm.

And they say choking on cute's
the worst way to go.

♪

Okay.

Ah. Are the girls
finally asleep?

Yes.

- (doorbell rings)
- (shushing)

What kind of maniac rings the
doorbell to get into the house?

Ooh, sorry. I'm guessing
you just put the girls down.

I'm glad you're here,
too, though, Mandy.

Yeah, well, that is the beauty
of being a stay-at-home mom.

I get to help out my sis

while she does the books
for the Grill.

Yeah, we help each other.

- Yeah.
- It's who we are.

We're beautiful.

MANDY:
What's with Dad's good camera?

Well, I just, I think it's time
we took some exceptional photos

of Sarah and Evelyn.

What? We've got
nothing but pictures.

We're looking into renting
cloud storage from the NSA.

Yeah, but we don't have any
that are professional grade,

perfectly lit and styled...
So come on,

let's wake those girls up!

- What?
- Sarah? Evelyn?

Stay away
from that bedroom, lady.

Mom, what is this really about?

This.

Jumpin' Justin Timberlake,
is that Ben?

He's beautiful.

Oh, Aunt Nicole said
the photographer liked his photo

so much that he's gonna put it
in the window. That's huge.

Mm. So is his head,
but he'll grow into it.

Uh-oh.
Sounds like Aunt Nicole and Mom

are being
super competitive again.

This is like when we were kids
and Aunt Nicole's daughter

won Little Miss Ridgefield.

Yeah. And then to one-up her,
you made us the Outdoor Toddlers

for Dad's catalog.

That's when I met my first love:

the spotlight.

You know what?
That Outdoor Toddler catalog

was one
of their most popular ever,

and you two were
tiny little celebrities.

Aunt Nicole
must have hated that.

I got to run.

(closes door loudly)

(babies crying)

- I'm taking that door
off its hinges.
- Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

(chuckles):
Hey, good morning, Pickles.

Really?

I brought pickles in my lunch
yesterday, now I'm Pickles?

There was also a cupcake
in there... you want to go there?

(sighs)

No.

I'll be Pickles.

Hey, hey.

Hey, Asparagus.

- What?
- D-Don't fight it. Just...

just be Asparagus.

Okay.

Uh, hey, I need some advice.

I gave you advice last week.

When is this ever going to end?

So, you know Doris Oliver,
who lives on your street?

She's a regular customer
of mine.

That old lady's
into the chronic?

Well, that would explain
the ill-advised halter tops.

(singsongy): "Morning."

Anyway, she's moving,

and she asked me
if I wanted to buy her house.

- CHUCK: Oh.
- Yeah, but why you?

She wants it to go to somebody
that she knows and someone

who will take care of it and
love it the way that she did.

Well, y-you know,
she's kind of let it go,

but it could be nice
if you put some money into it.

I know, and that's expensive,
you know?

I'm making more money now
with the new job, but who knows?

Like, what if people
stop smoking pot?

That ain't gonna happen.

Listen, it-it's always
a good idea

to buy the worst house
on the best block.

And even though Baxter
lives on it,

it's still a pretty good block.

- It's just a stretch for us
right now.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, we're just
bouncing back from the pandemic.

Is right now the time
to buy a house?

No, man, just think of it
as an investment.

Not a lot of places
on the market these days

have a three-car garage, huh?

Quit pressuring the kid.

Ryan, are you really looking
for a house,

or is this just 'cause
the opportunity came up?

Guess it's just 'cause
the opportunity came up?

Trust your instincts.

You're a good man.
They'll serve you right.

You're right. Thank you.

Knew I could count on you.

- See you guys.
- Mm.

You don't think he's a good man.

What are you up to?

I'm gonna buy that house.

(gasps) What?!

Yeah. Come on,
you talked me into it.

You're a great salesman,
Pickles.

(stammers)

♪ ♪

(clears throat)

Idea. A musical.

About the man
who invented the paper clip.

Yeah. Ah, that's right.

Tagline: "The man
who held it all together."

- The first part... Yes?
- Hi, Ed.

- Yes, hi.
- Uh, you busy?

Oh. Sorry, but I'm never...

never too busy
for my stepdaughter.

(chuckles)
That is a handsome vest.

- It is very slimming.
- Well, thank you, thank you.

You usually don't get that
in bulletproof, you know.

So, what can I do for you,
darling?

Uh, nothing, nothing.
Uh, well, no, yeah, I was...

- I was just going through
some old stuff.
- Yeah. Uh-huh.

- And I came across this old
Outdoor Toddler catalog...
- All right.

With Kristin and Mandy.

See? Remember this?

Oh, do I remember? Look at that.

Damn cute babies. Look at that.

(chuckles):
Look. In their snowsuits.

Mm.

And the actress playing
their mother...

Dated her for two months.

- Uh, hey, uh,
here's a thought. Uh...
- Yeah. Yeah.

What if we revive
the Outdoor Toddler campaign?

If we put Mandy and Kristin
in those tiny snowsuits...

well, I'm not sure
what we'd be selling.

No, not...
Uh, all right, wait a...

- Um, I mean... (chuckles)
- Yeah.

All right, look, I...
So I'm just spitballing here.

- All right.
- But, um...

but what if
the new Outdoor Toddlers

were Sarah and Evelyn?

Sarah and Evelyn?

Yeah, y-you know, you...

Your-your great-grand-stepki...

- Yeah.
- Step-grand... the babies.

(both laugh)

Well, they're...
they're pretty cute.

- Yeah.
- They're very cute, yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah,
it'll be like continuing

the family legacy...
First the mothers,

now the daughters, you know,
like a circle of life.

Yeah, well, we can't afford
that song, but, uh...

Okay, good. It sounds great.
Great. Let's do it.

- Ah. Wonderful, wonderful.
- Let's do it. Let's do it.

- Wonderful. Great.
- Let's do it.

Oh, just decide which one
of the girls it should be.

I'm sorry, wha... what?

Well, y-you can't have
both babies in the ad, you know.

No, no. Wh-Why not? I mean, we
had Kristin and Mandy. What...?

Sure, but market research shows
that it's better

to have one face representing
the brand, see?

Even the Doublemint Twins,
you see.

Two people, one face.

But so... so I have to choose

between my two granddaughters?

Yep.

But one of my daughters
is gonna hate me.

Probably.

Sarah...

or Evelyn.

No, Sarah.

Or Evelyn.

Vanessa,

remember when you asked me
if I had "a sec" to help you

- with something?
- Yeah.

I didn't realize it was gonna be
a sec-tion of my life.

Oh, sorry. They're just...

just so cute.

You know,
you don't have to pick one.

You could let some other kid do
the campaign.

And let my sister Nicole win?
No, thank you.

No, this is to prove a point.

To push her to be better?

Yeah, yeah, that's-that's...

All right, no, I can do this,
I can do this.

So, uh, on the one hand,
uh, Sarah is so photogenic.

Perfect. Let's go with her.

Yeah, but... but Evelyn
is cute as a button,

and she can take direction,
so...

So Evelyn it is.

But Sarah is a "Fall," and she
would look absolutely perfect

in little hiking gear.

Then let's go with Sarah.

Yeah, but...

but Evelyn is a "Winter,"

and she is the obvious choice
for snowsuits, so...

(screams)

(exhales)

(laughs): Okay.

Maybe... maybe I'll just let
Kristin and Mandy decide.

♪

Oh, let's see
what I brought today.

Ooh...

Gumbo.

Oh, I love gumbo.

You know,
that could be my nickname.

- I like it.
- Mm.

Gumbo Pickles.

(both chuckle)

Why are you in such a good mood?

You know,
'cause I'm feeling good

about the offer I put
on Mrs. Oliver's house.

Huh. You really are
a piece of work, Baxter.

Come on, I'm not being selfish.

Fixing up that house
will give me a project.

Besides, three-car garage...

- perfect for our
auto restoration business.
- Mm.

You are always thinking
of other people

- and how you can
screw them over.
- Mm.

- You make it sound so negative.
- Mm.

Morning, all.

"How's your morning, Ryan?"
Well, it's been interesting.

Stopped by Mrs. Oliver's
to tell her how honored I was

to get the opportunity
to buy her house

and that I was still thinking
about it.

You're still thinking about it?

Yeah, and then she told me
the funniest thing.

That another party,

someone who lives on the street,

had stopped by
and made an offer.

And it was substantially
more than she was asking.

Before you get angry
about this...

And that other party was one

Charles Larabee.

You tried to steal
that house from me?

Well, if you steal from a thief,

is it really stealing?

Wait, you both tried
to steal the house from me?

I didn't want it. He talked me
into it... shame on you.

- Shame on you.
- RYAN: Wow.

I... all I wanted was an opinion

from people
that I thought I could trust.

God, now I know
how Julius Caesar felt

when Brutus stabbed in the back.

I mean, of course,
historians point out that

Decimus was really the-the...
Actually, you know,

it doesn't matter!

The point is,
I have been stabbed.

(sighs)

Et tu, Pickles.

Ah, I can't believe
our little girls are gonna be

in the new
Outdoor Toddler campaign.

First us, now them.

It's the circle of life.

Like that movie Chinatown.

You mean The Lion King?

Yes.

Mmm, oh, my gosh, I love this.

Mom, you hardly ever share
your good wine.

Well, it is a special occasion.
(chuckles)

Uh, but, but there is just one
little problem. (clears throat)

Ed said there can only be
one Outdoor Toddler. (chuckles)

Oh, wow.

That's a bummer.

Who did Ed pick?

Well, he insisted
that you guys decide.

I mean, you know Ed. (chuckles)

Such a coward.

Ooh, this is tough.

I mean, Sarah's mom was really
looking forward to her doing it.

That's you.

Just say you were looking
forward to her doing it.

Not if you really want
Evelyn to.

- No, no, it-it's fine.
- Thank you! Thank you!

- Sarah can...
- Thank you!

...do it.

Ah, this is great,
this is just...

Now I wish I'd brought
the really good wine.

Besides, I got too much
to do at work, you know?

I'm just, I'm too busy to spend
all day at a photo shoot, so...

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, don't make any more
of this than it is.

I just mean that I'm busy.

I'm just as busy as you, Kris.

I'm cooking, cleaning,
taking my kid to the park.

Taking your kid to the park.

KRISTIN:
It's not like I'm sitting

around...
I'm-I'm running a restaurant.

You-you know what,
we're all busy.

Each in our own way.

(stammers) I wish men did more!

There it is...
Running a restaurant.

Any chance you get to throw the
"working mom" thing in my face.

I am not throwing anything.

It's not my fault
if you're unhappy

with the choices
that you've made.

Being a stay-at-home mom is the
most important job in the world!

Just ask Oprah!

You can't ask Oprah.

She's too busy with her career.

Okay, all right,
please, girls...

Well, since you're
just super working mom,

who can do everything
on her own,

next time you're doing
the books, watch your own kid!

Gladly! That'll give you more
time to watch your stories.

No! No, girls, wait!
Oh, come on!

If you should be mad at anybody,
it's men!

MIKE: Pickles?

(Mike chuckles)

You really need to stop
calling me Pickles.

How bad do you want me
to stop calling you Pickles?

I've learned
to avoid conversations

like this with you, Baxter.

They always end
with my wife asking me,

"How did you not see
that coming?"

How about this?
I stop calling you Pickles...

- Mm-hmm.
-...you drop your offer
on the house.

Done.

No, that was too quick.

Nah, I dropped my offer
this morning.

How did you not see that coming?

So now you get to steal
Ryan's house all by yourself.

Wrong, I already dropped
my bid on the house.

But that's a nice thing.

Well, I'm hoping Ryan will take
another look at the house.

Told Mrs. Oliver he's got
a beautiful young family

and they deserve
a wonderful house like hers.

Oh.

Hey, Ryan.

Just got off the phone
with Doris Oliver.

"Why was she calling, Ryan?"
Well, it's interesting.

She wanted to let me know
that I am exactly

who she wants buying her house.

Oh, is that so?

Oh, yeah, that is so.

Even though the other offers
were higher,

because, in her own words,
I have "a beautiful young family

that deserves a wonderful home."

That is something you'd
only hear an old lady say.

RYAN: Yeah.

Kris and I talked about it,
and now we're

- looking into financing.
- CHUCK: Hmm.

You two clowns better watch out.

Because my beautiful family
and I

are gonna be moving
onto your block.

Oh, uh, this... the feeling
you're feeling right now?

It's a little thing
called karma.

And it's supposed to sting.

You know, I'm getting
the feeling I might miss

that old lady in the halter top.

Hey, Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man.

With a word
about friendly competition.

Hmm, actually that word is
an oxymoron.

Because you're either being
friendly or you're competing.

I don't think you can have both.

Taylor Swift and Katy Perry
started out

in a friendly competition,
then they punished us all

by writing a thousand songs

about how much
they hated each other.

I never heard the songs.
People have told me.

(clears throat)

I have three daughters,
so trust me,

I had "Bad Blood" coming
out of my ears.

Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali

actually were good friends
in the '60s.

After they beat each other's
brains out three times?

Not so close.

It's true in all arenas.

You start out
in a civil discourse

about the size of government.

Next thing you know,
you're Alexander Hamilton,

lying in a pool
of his own blood.

In the book The Art of War,

Sun Tzu said,
"Choose your enemies well,

for you will come
to resemble them."

(chuckles softly)

So, before you win
an unfriendly competition,

you ask yourself,
would you rather resemble

the bigger cutthroat

or the bigger person?

Baxter out.

Pretty brilliant, right?

(exhales) You know, when I was
talking to Mike about the girls,

I didn't even think
he was listening.

Mr. Baxter can hear
without listening.

It's freaky.

- Hey, Mama.
- Hey.

-You wanted to see me?
What's up?
-Hi. Yeah.

Uh, you know what, let's
just wait till Kris gets here.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Mom. (chuckles softly)

You said there'd be wine.

Not a whiner.

Oh. Stellar pun. (chuckles)

(stammers) But...

Puns are meant for good,
not for evil.

So just... (stammers)

Sit down.

You guys remember that
Outdoor Toddler photo shoot?

You know what picture
everyone loved the most?

Yeah, sure.
Any one with me in it.

Uh, you wish.
I invented smizing.

Tyra Banks stole it from me.

No, it was the one
of you guys making s'mores.

Everyone just could see how much
you guys loved working together.

You had a-a whole system.

Yeah, well, Mandy's really good
at toasting the marshmallow

without setting it on fire.

Kristin melts the chocolate
just right.

All right, well, you guys just...
You just seemed

to naturally love
doing things together.

And then,
somewhere along the way,

that changed.

And I think I know why.

Yeah.

Eve was born.

Frickin' Eve.

Okay, no, I am talking
about sisters competing.

Look, I think you learned that
from watching me and Nicole.

Um, and I-I told myself

that we were pushing each other
to be better, but...

it ruined our relationship.

And you don't want that
happening to us.

No. No. And-and I really, really
don't want it happening

to Sarah and Evelyn.

Oh.

(chuckles softly)
That would be awful.

- Mm-hmm.
- MANDY: Yeah.

I'm really sorry.

I know that you weren't trying
to put me down.

It's just that,
ever since I left my job,

I guess...

I'm a little sensitive.

I'm sorry, too.

I guess I... am still
feeling pretty guilty

that I don't get to see Evelyn
as much as you get to see Sarah,

which I totally shouldn't.
(chuckles)

I mean, I shouldn't, right?

Mm.

And-and I just never
should have made

this whole thing a competition.

So... I think
that I am going to recommend

that the Outdoor Toddler...

be Ben.

- Ben, huh?
- Yeah.

- Wow, Mom. That's a good idea.
- VANESSA: Yeah.

That'll really mean a lot
to Aunt Nicole.

Yeah. And Ben's smize game?

(exhales) Fierce.

Hey, it's no better
than Sarah and Evelyn...

No. (stammers)
Not gonna go there.

Uh... (chuckles)

I started this competition,
and I just need to end it.

- Mm.
- Okay. That's nice, Mom.

- Now let me at
those marshmallows.
- Yeah.

-Make-up s'mores are the best.
(chuckles)
-Yeah.

You guys look so cute.

- (chuckles)
- (shutter sound effect)

I am gonna send this picture
to Aunt Nicole.

She's gonna be so jealous.

Mom.

Oh, come on.
I can't just quit cold turkey.

(chuckles)

But how do we get a star
attached without a script?

Because it's a killer idea.

All right?
First we get a star attached,

then we get some funding,

then we commission a script.

Seems backwards.

Scripts are overrated.

You get the right actor, they
make up their own lines anyway.

Let me see now. Uh...

I was thinking, for the, uh...
For the younger daughter,

how about that plucky pitcher
from The Bad News Bears?

Tatum O'Neal?

Yes! Yes, yes.

She's got to be in her 50s.

No way. No way.

That fresh-faced
little ragamuffin?

Just because you saw
a movie yesterday

doesn't mean
that's when it was made.

Oh, for the father,
how about the...

How about the... aha...

The dashing concierge
from Pretty Woman?

Never heard of it.

All right.

The urbane limo driver
from, from Princess Diaries.

I'm pretty sure
that isn't a real movie.

Okay. The sophisticated doctor
from Chicago Hope.

- Hmm? Yes.
- Yes.

- I love him!
- Great, great.

-Mandy Patinkin!
I'll make some calls.
-Yes.

Yes. All right.

Note to myself:

consider
another casting director.

(chicken clucks)