Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 3 - Yours, Wine, and Ours - full transcript

Well, it's to you, Mike.

Oh, you can bid a double, but if
it's followed by three passes,

it's a penalty double.

Right?

This is very complicated.

Can't we play something
less complicated than bridge?

Like, why don't we build
a bridge?

- Huh?
- Yeah.

Oh, I got it.
Who's got any threes?

Oh, I do, I got a three.

This ain't Go Fish, Mike.



This is a nightmare.

I have a straight,
a flush, and blackjack.

Hey, you know, Mike's right.

This really is
a complicated game.

It's dignified.

You know, in the workshop
Eddie and I took,

they taught us
you never play for money

or to show how smart you are

or how stupid
your opponents are.

That's the only reason
I play anything.

Oh, come on, this is fun.

Bridge is about partnership.

And I have the best partner
in the world.

Oh, ooh. Ah.



Yeah. Who knew bridge
was so romantic?

You know what's romantic?
Solitaire.

Oh... Mike, Mike,

you would enjoy bridge more
if you took the workshop.

Oh, oh, and if you say
that we recommended you,

we get a free pinochle lesson.

You know, Mom,
I think it's great

that you and Ed are taking up
all these new hobbies.

You're so active.
It's,

it's like that fun montage
in Cocoon.

Wow. Are you saying
these two people are old?

Hear that?!
She's calling you two old!

Old and maybe too tired

to finish this stupid game!

Ooh, my super wifey sense
is tingling.

It's telling me Mike is ready
to call it a night.

Yeah, because Mike Baxter
is so hard to read.

You know, it's great being
around people who get me.

I feel seen.

*LAST MAN STANDING*
Season 08 Episode 03

*LAST MAN STANDING*
Episode Title: "Yours, Wine, and Ours"

All right, did you lose
something, like your mind?

I was just looking.
Is Ed here?

I mean, he could be here
and we don't know it.

They love playing games.

Maybe they're playing
hide-and-seek.

Relax. They're out
taking a cooking class.

Ed's exact words were,
"For once we're going to sizzle

- outside the bedroom."
- Whoa!

Oh, come on,
I think they're adorable.

Yeah, adorable,

but they're spending way
too much time with us.

I want to spend more time
with my favorite person.

Yourself.

Once again,

I feel... seen.

Yeah, you're kind of
hard to miss.

Look, honey, you're right,
you're right.

We have been doing a lot
of stuff with them lately,

and you have been
really great about it.

I don't know if great's
the right word.

Generous.

Heroic.

The next time
they ask us to do something,

I'm just going to say no.

Since you need your "me time,"
let me be your hero.

You look great in tights.

Hi. How was cooking class?

Oh, it was delightful.

We made polenta Parmesan puffs.

Just tell 'em what you said.

- Tell 'em... go ahead, go ahead.
- Oh, oh, oh.

- So, Eddie was trying to steal my Parmesan.
- Yep.

So I said...

She said, "That's nacho cheese."

Ah, that's nacho best pun.

Oh, good.
Oh, oh, oh, before I forget,

there's another cooking class
tomorrow night,

- and I have a coupon...
- No, Mom?

No, no, you know what,
I think, uh,

we're gonna take a break from
the double dates for a while.

Actually, guys,

this coupon is
just for the two of you.

Eddie and I enjoyed
the cooking class so much,

we just thought
you might, too.

Got to take a hard pass on that.

I've got, uh, some stuff
I've got to do

in the garage tomorrow night.

Yeah, y-yeah, you know,
since Mike enjoys his "me time,"

just like Dad used to, um,

maybe-maybe I'll take the class.

- Oh. By yourself?
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, sure, we do
lots of stuff separately.

Well, have fun, honey.
I'm gonna be, um...

tying flies.

Fly fishing season's
right around the corner. Yeah.

Not for ten weeks.

Well, a bridge game away.

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?

Uh, I thought Ryan was here.
He's supposed to install

this garbage disposal
for you guys.

Oh, thank God.

It's a nightmare
not having one.

We almost bought a goat.

There's my honey.

Hello, beautiful.

Sorry if that sounded mean.

I'm just kind of upset.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?
Haven't you heard?

Bill Lamp died.

Bill Lamp? Oh, no.

But he was the number one
Pontiac dealer

in Central Alabama.

Bill Lamp is the creator
of Toxic Titans,

the greatest graphic novel
series ever written.

I'm not sure
I'm familiar with...

Asteroid Girl, Fire Falcon,
Doctor Calamity?

How can you not know Bill Lamp?

Because we don't drive
a Pontiac.

How old was he?

Ninety-six.

And he would have been
97 next month.

You know, I can't install
a garbage disposal right now.

Of course, honey.

You need time
to get over the shock

of a 97-year-old man dying.

Uh, we should go.

We're getting together with
some other fans of Bill Lamp.

Yeah, we're meeting
over at Ronnie's house.

His mom's out of town,
so we get to use the rec room.

Is there gonna be a parent there
to watch you kids?

As Fire Falcon would say,

"Ick-lack-fabba-doo-wonk.
Ca-caw!"

That's falcon for,
"Sleep tight, my captain.

The lamp has gone out."

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, boy, you and Ed
taking up yodeling now?

On our list.

If you're looking for Vanessa,

she's not back
from that cooking class yet.

No, I was just lonely in there.

It's just so different nowadays,

staying here without
all the kids running around.

You know, I even like
staying here now.

You know, it reminds me of...
of when my girls left home,

and it was just me
and, and Vanessa's father.

I was surprised at
how difficult that was for us.

You seemed all right every time
I was there,

but I probably wasn't
paying attention.

I-It's not like we were fighting
or-or anything, it just...

We just sort of drifted apart.

Well, how did you guys fix that?

We didn't. He died.

Well, lucky break.

Oh... Michael.

Michael.

I would just hate to see
the same thing happen

to you and Vanessa.

Bonnie... Bonnie.

We're okay.

It's just that you like doing
different things,

which was fine when the girls
were still home.

They bound you together.

But now that's changed,
and-and if you're not careful,

you could find yourselves
on, uh, different tracks.

Oh, h-h-h-hey.

Buona sera.

- Oh.
- Hi.

What, are you making
Japanese food?

Authentic veal scaloppini.

And you know what,
it turns out they have classes

in all kinds of stuff.

In fact, I'm gonna take
a wine-tasting class

- tomorrow night.
- Ooh.

I don't know, honey, you know,

they make you spit it out.

You hear that, Mike?

Vanessa's taking
more classes, so...

Yeah.

Uh, you know what, let's, uh,
let's leave Mike alone.

Um, come on with me,
I will heat up

- some of the scaloppini for you.
- Ooh, I would love a taste.

You know, doesn't he
remind you of Dad

down in the basement
tinkering with his clocks?

Yes... he does.

This is good stuff, man.

Shoplifting is way,
way down, man.

And, uh, good job.

Dear Diary,

today Baxter paid me
a compliment.

Dear Journal, Chuck has a diary.

Hey, Ed asked me and Carol to
play bridge with him and Bonnie.

Well, I'll see you
in about a week.

Make sure that's
the only game they're playing.

Lately Bonnie wants
to play marriage counselor.

Well, that doesn't sound
very fun.

It's not very fun.

She gave me the whole spiel
about how Vanessa and I

may drift apart
now that the girls are gone.

- Right?
- Oh, well,

you know, when Brandon went off
to college...

it was a big adjustment
for Carol and me.

Is that when you started
the diary?

No, we, we realized
after a while

that we were drifting apart.

So we decided
to take an interest

in each other's hobbies.

That's how I started gardening
with Carol.

That's a terrible hobby.

You do all that work,
you end up with what?

A bunch of vegetables.

No, no, see,
when I do it with Carol,

I actually like gardening.

What hobby of yours
did she pick up?

Zumba.

Shut up.

So maybe all this me time
isn't, uh, good for us.

Well, all I'm saying is,
I didn't want to take

any chances with my marriage.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I appreciate
the man-to-man,

but you got to run,
do your gardening,

and get your diary,
go on to your Zumba classes...

Oh, okay, how about this?

What if the scene where Lord
Evilian lowers Fire Falcon

into the Hemick-ulite happens...

After Asteroid Girl escapes
from the Stink Lava.

Well, yeah, I love it.

Man, we're really good at this.

It's like Bill Lamp is with us.

Maybe he is, Kyle, maybe he is.

Yay, the manager's here.

I can't wait to grind garbage.

Oh, right.
W-We didn't do that.

Uh, babe,
you've been here all day.

What have you been doing?

Something way more important.
We decided to finish

the Train of Doom series
ourselves.

Yeah. We don't have legal rights
or even permission,

but we'll work that out later.

What do you guys think?

Yeah, the-the pictures aren't
great, but the story is tight.

I'm glad that you're
so passionate about this, Ryan,

but you're the manager
and you said that you would...

What is wrong
with that guy's nose?

It's a beak. He's Fire Falcon,
half-man, half-bird.

Ca-caw!

Uh, why is he throwing up?

It's fire.

Okay, it's a little childish.

We get you love your comics...

- Graphic novels.
- Graphic novels.

Whatever.

Uh, but you know what would
make you actual superheroes?

Installing the garbage disposal.
Ca-caw.

Hey, babe.

Mike. Uh...

Look, wine tasting.
You know what's kind of funny?

- This is right next to an AA meeting.
- Yeah.

Uh, but what-what
are you doing here?

Was everything okay?
Did somebody die?

No, no, no, no.
Well, according to Kyle,

the guy that invented the lamp.

Okay.

I'm here into this
because I'm into you.

All right, well, well,
that's sweet.

Look, you mess this class up
for me, and I will kill you.

Oh.

Isn't that nice?

I do something nice for you,

and you kick me
right in the pinot grigios.

Hold the glass by the stem

and give it a good swirl,

so that you can fully observe
the wine's personality.

Look at that,
our wine has a personality.

Unfortunately,
our teacher does not.

No, I think he's just trying
to get us to appreciate the wine

before we sip it.

It's like, uh,
the foreplay for drinking.

Drinking is foreplay.

Watch how the wine slides down
the glass. See the lines?

- Those are the legs of the wine.
- Ah.

The legs,
that's where it gets its kick.

Honey.

Come on, come on.

Mike, I'm trying to enjoy this.

I know,
this is all about you enjoying it.

- I'm not here to ruin it, I got it.
- Yeah. Thank you.

Now, before we take in
the nose of our wine,

we must wake up our tongues.

Eh!

You'll see at your stations
there are three items:

peat moss, cowhide,

and limestone.

No dip.

These are key reference smells

so that we can identify
the tasting notes.

Let's begin with the limestone.

I want you to smell it
and then give it a good lick.

100 bucks for a class
licking a rock,

it's not even Dwayne Johnson.

All right, you know what, honey?

You can either fundamentally
change yourself...

or leave.

Listen, okay.

Uh, I'll see you at home.

Oh, no.
Uh, are you leaving us, sir?

Yes. I think I'm gonna drink
the way God intended,

alone in my house
in my underwear.

Do you know that gentleman?

Oh, no, no. I-I think he was
looking for the AA meeting.

Hey, I was thinking, what if
Fire Falcon had a brother?

Kyle, quit it.
No more Train of Doom talk.

It's childish, remember?

Oh, his brother could be
his evil twin.

Oh, yeah, looking real good
down here, Kyle.

Oh, yeah, yeah, she's looking
real good up here, Ryan.

Hey.

Oh, hey. Sorry.
Didn't hear you come in.

We were busy
with our "responsibilities."

We weren't having any fun,

if that's what
you're worried about.

Yeah, uh, listen,
we felt like maybe

we were a little bit
harsh earlier.

We know that comic books...

- Graphic novels.
- Graphic novels.

..mean a lot to you.

Yeah, so?

So, to apologize,
we did a little something.

What you guys
came up with was great,

so I just sort of polished
the artwork a bit.

The first one

is Fire Falcon being trapped
in this stuff.

It's, uh, Hemick-ulite.
It erases his memory.

Yeah, yeah, and, um,

this is Asteroid Girl
escaping the Stink Lava.

The grappling hook was my idea.

And, get this,

we added two new characters

to help Fire Falcon

save the Train of Doom.

It's you and Kyle.

Uh, Kyle, can I, uh,

speak to you in the other room
for a second?

Excuse us.

Oh, my God!

Oh, this is so fantastic!

Her Fire Falcon is even better
than Bill Lamp's,

and the grappling hook
\his a really good idea.

Wow!
Look how muscular my arms are!

I haven't worked out in a month.

Uh, we discussed it,

and we have decided
to accept your apology.

And would you mind if we
took these over to Ronnie's

to show the other guys?

Of course not. Have fun.

We're glad you guys like it

because we love that
you are the way you are.

We love you guys.

Oh, hey, uh, don't use
the garbage disposal.

Uh, actually,
don't turn on the water.

- You know what? Just stay
out of the kitchen. - Yeah.

- Oh, hi.
- Oh, buona sera.

- Good, good, good. You're both here.
- Uh-huh.

Well, what-what-what
is it, darling?

I mean, is something,
is something wrong?

- Mom, the other night...
- Yeah?

...when I came into the garage

and you were having your
little chat with my husband,

were you maybe giving him
marriage advice?

Absolutely not.

Right.

I... I may have said
a little something,

and-and if-if he took it
the wrong way,

now, pfft, I can't help that.

Wait, wh-what is that pain?

Is that a knife in my back
I can feel?

Mom, Mom, you are
gonna be around a lot,

so I'm only gonna say this once:

my marriage is my business,

so keep your perfect
Connecticut nose out of it.

Look, I understand,
dear. I overstepped

- my bounds and I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

Do you think we have
a strong marriage?

Of course. It's wonderful.
It's really... Yeah, it's good.

Let... we should kiss.

What, why would you
listen to her?

She said,
"Hey, Michael" twice,

- and she's looking right at me.
- Stop,

come on, come on.

Some of what she said hit a note
with me, you know?

Things have changed around here,
and-and I haven't changed.

What-what-what do you mean?

Listen, when-when the...

when the girls were here,
I had to fight for "me time."

Now that they're gone, why am I
still fighting for "me time"?

Honey, look,
it-it-it's fine with me

if you enjoy doing things
by yourself.

Look, I don't need
to be tying flies.

I get these for free.

I own a whole bunch
of fishing stores.

- I'm up to my gills in fishing equipment.
- All right.

All right, all right, look,

maybe you don't need
to be tying flies,

but-but every now and again,

you need to be alone,
just like I do.

And just like I do.

- So you're a horrible person.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you want to know
how horrible? Yeah?

You know how you have
that T-shirt that says

- "I'd Rather Be Fishing"?
- Right.

Well, I want a T-shirt that says
"I Am Glad He's Fishing."

So you want me time
just like I do. Me time.

Exactly.
Honey, honey...

we're still good,

you and I.
Okay?

- Yeah, yeah.
- There's no trouble here.

So we don't have to worry
about this?

No, not worry,
but, um, yeah, I know,

I guess we should be aware
that when the kids leave,

it's-it's a big change.

That's all I was trying to say!

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

talking about matrimony.

Some marriages are so tight,

you really get why it's called
"wedlock."

However, at the other extreme,
about two percent of couples

are in marriages
that are called "open."

Ew, about 50% of couples
are in an open marriage

where one of them
doesn't know it's open.

Yup, each marriage is different.

Though in the case
of Henry VIII,

they all tended to end the same,

with the sound of a head
dropping into a little basket.

King Henry actually used
master swordsmen

because the French hadn't
invented the guillotine yet.

God, even in 1789,

automation was a job killer.

Now, some couples thrive when
they do everything together.

I knew one fella
who insisted on going

to his bride's
bachelorette party.

How'd that marriage turn out?

Don't know. I couldn't stay
friends with him after that.

Now, personally, I think
it's healthy for married couples

to enjoy separate interests.

There's nothing wrong with that,
unless one of those interests

is... making a movie
with Angelina Jolie.

My wife and I have been
happily married for 30 years.

People ask me how I do it.
It's really very simple.

I would die for her.

Once you're willing to do that,
the rest is easy.

Baxter out.

Sync corrections by srjanapala