Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Co-Ed Softball - full transcript

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Hey. How was soccer?

Ohh.
Another thrilling 0-0 tie.

This is why soccer is
America's fastest growing sport.

I don't know why
coach plays me in defense.

I score tons of goals
in practice.

Does he know you want
to play forward?

He should.

How? Did you tell him?

No, but when he put me
at sweeper,

I folded my arms
and made a face like this.

So the coach is supposed
to know how you feel



based on that look?

Yes.

If you want something, honey,

you're gonna have
to speak up, you know?

Sometimes
if a door doesn't open,

you're gonna have
to break it down.

You wanna play forward,
you gotta be forward.

Like it says on your mug?

Exactly.

I don't want to take
someone else's position

and hurt their feelings.
Hurt their feelings?

Baby, this is what sports
are all about...

hurting people's feelings.

If you're not hurting
somebody's feelings,



you're losing.

Now there's your mug.

Are you gonna speak up?

Am I supposed to understand
what you mean by that?

Mm-hmm.

Last Man Standing S01E05
"Co-Ed Softball"

ohh. Morning.

What's the matter?

Don't engage her.

She'll stop working
and start complaining.

This is ridiculous!

Too late.

I don't get it.

If colleges really wanted people
to go to their stupid schools,

why do they make
their applications,

like, 20 pages long?

You know, some of the books
you'll read in college

are actually
a little longer than that.

How many of these applications
have you finished?

Um, almost... one.

One?

Almost.

- Ho ho!
- I recognize those forms.

Your ticket out
of this joint.

Yes, it must be miserable
living in this palatial cage

with free food.

So if you had your first choice,
where would you go?

Um, to the recycling bin
with these.

Mandy, college is important.

Without college, there would be
no college football.

Way to sell it.

You know, Albert Einstein
never went to college.

That's a myth.

Well, khloe kardashian
never went to college.

And she knew it was one
of those two.

There's only one application
you need to fill out.

You're going to Michigan.

Ohio State.
Here we go.

Maize and blue.
Scarlet and gray.

You see this?

You were supposed to go
to one of their stupid schools

to satisfy them,
so thanks for nothing.

You know that's actually
why I got pregnant...

just to mess with you. Face!

Ahem.
Dad, no. Please don't.

? Hail! To the victors valiant
? in old Ohio

? hail!
To the conquering heroes ?
? there's a team that's known
throughout the land ?

? hail! To the victors
? 11 warriors

? brave and strong
? leaders and the best

dad.
? whose fame will...

? Hey, hey, hey
Ohio!

? Hail to the...
Dad.

What?
You know how you said

I should speak up
when I want something?

Yes.

I want this to stop.

All right, as you all know,
bow season has begun,

and we are moving
the elkhorn series,

especially the 1712, online.

A lot of hits on this. The reps
are showing you how to use 'em.

I want you to get out there
and push this product.

I want the forests
in Colorado

to look like a scene
out of "Braveheart." Yeah.

What's "Braveheart"?

"Braveheart."
"Braveheart." Mel Gibson.

Right. The guy from, uh,
"what women want."

It's bow season.
Let's butch it up a little bit.

Hey, Mike.
It's not just bow season.

That's right.

It's also the sportsmen's
invitational softball tourney

this Sunday...

- Yeah!
- All right!

And we're gonna show
those guys at Ted's tackle box

that their bait does,
in fact, stink.

Yeah.

Hey, you still pitching?

You know it.

You still be chomping down
corn dogs

out there in right field?

Yeah. It's a tradition.

It is, isn't it?

Well, softball, bow season.

Ed is probably walking on air,
huh?

I've never been so miserable
in my life.

Gallstone?

I wish.

I'd give my left nut
for a gallstone.

This is worse.

The Parks Department
just called.

If we're going to use
a public space

for the tournament,
the teams have to be co-ed.

Yeah.
Or what?

Well, if we don't have
at least one lady on the field,

they'll pull our permit.

What's the big deal?

My ultimate frisbee team
was co-ed,

and we won the title.

Well, we would have,
if we had kept score.

Somebody get me a bat.

Make it look like
an accident.

I will.

Look, I'm just psyched to play
softball with you guys,

and if we don't go co-ed,
then we don't play,

and if we don't play,

you all have to spend Sunday
with your wives.

Hippie has a point.

All right, guys. Let's go.
Show of hands, show of hands.

No, no, no.
Let's do a secret ballot,

you know, to protect
the innocent and the timid.

You're right. Secret ballot,
the way we voted to switch

from bagels to doughnuts
in the break room.

It was a high point
in democracy that day,

only slightly overshadowed

by that massive heart attack
curly had.

All right, look,
we can count on me, you,

the guys in guns and ammo,
right,

forklift Frankie...

Uh, but, you know,
I'm just a little worried

about those fellas
in gift wrapping.

It's, uh...
They know it's our team.

They're gonna do
the right thing.

Well, I hope so,

because sports are
the last bastion

of male camaraderie,
you know?

I mean, we have to make
a stand.

Women are banging
at the door,

and we have to stop them
from kicking it in.

All right. Uh, all right,
pass these around,

- would you please, guys?
- Gentlemen...

Just mark down,
uh, mark down "co-ed"

if you want to play
with girls,

and, uh, just "ed"
if you prefer men.

That didn't come out right,
did it?

Camping is an activity
we can do all do together,

but when did it
become mandatory

that men and women do
everything together?

Women want to do everything
men do.

Sports...
women want to have sports,

sporting events with men.

I don't get it,

'cause if you beat a woman,
you're a bully.

If you lose to a woman,
you're an embarrassment.

And then you have daughters,

and it throws everything
out of whack.

I want a world where women can
do everything a man can do.

They just don't want to.

Okay. Buy some tents.

- Hey, Mike.
- They're counting the votes.

Ohh.

All tied up
with one vote left to count.

Mr. b., can I get a drumroll?

What do you think?

And the final vote is...

Co-ed. All right! Yeah!

We did it.

Guys?

Oh, come on. I know
half of you voted with me.

Larry? Come on.

Larry, you...

Well, what's done is done, huh?

The majority voted to go co-ed,

and we have to honor
that decision.

You're gonna hunt 'em down
like dogs, aren't you?

Every last one of them.

I hate writing
these essays.

Oh, I remember it being
kind of fun.

Mom and dad aren't listening.
You can be normal.

Come on. Come on. I'm serious.
What's your topic?

Um, I'm supposed to write
about someone who inspires me,

but I'm worried they're not
gonna know who ke$ha is.

Okay.

Well, why don't you write
about your favorite author?

Write about a writer?

That's like painting
a painting of a painter.

All right. Scoot over.
I'm gonna help you. Scoot over.

Really? You're sure
you're not too tired from work?

No, no, no. Come on.
It's exciting.

There's so much to learn.

Ugh. You were always
so into it.

Yeah, well, I did plan
on becoming a doctor,

and traditionally,
doctors go to college.

Mm.

Come on, Mandy.
You have to have dreams.

I do.

I want to be
a fashion designer.

A shockingly young
fashion designer.

If I go to school
for four years,

I won't be
shockingly young anymore.

Well, you'll still be
shockingly cute.

Yeah?

Yeah, so that's something.

Yeah? Yeah?
You're right.

Hey, stop fighting.

We're not fighting.

Yeah, we're totally
getting along here.

Well, knock it off.

How are you doing
on the applications?

Ugh.

Just do the Michigan one first.
You are gonna love Ann Arbor.

Who's she?

Ugh.

Honey, I think sending Mandy
to Michigan is a reach.

We gotta think
of something else...

a trade school, the T.S.A.,
a short-order cook,

or maybe even Ohio State.

Yeah, I just don't know
if forcing Mandy

to go to college
is the right move.

Yeah, what horrible parents
we are,

dropping 100 grand
so she can read books

and meet boys.

I mean, if she's not
into it, it's...

not into it? A lot of things
that we're not into, we do.

I'm not into kale, but it keeps
showing up on dinner plate.

Wow. You are
in a snarky mood tonight.

Snarky? Is that
what you come up with?
Yeah.

Well, maybe I'm working
through something.

Well, go get a bran muffin.

It's not
that kind of problem.

I want to play softball
with my buddies, right,

but when people tell me

my daughters can't do something
that I know they can,

I feel like, you know,
punching 'em in the face,

but I don't want to be a jerk,
and then, you know,

I don't want
to punch myself in the face.

That's... that's...
that's just weird.

What the hell
are you talking about?

You know
our corporate softball team?

Master batters.

We have voted to go co-ed.

Really?
Yeah.

Wow, and you're feeling guilty
'cause you voted against it.

Actually, I'm nervous
'cause I voted for it.

Yeah, you know...

Wow. Wow.
And I don't think
Ed's gonna like it,

and I'm afraid of what
he's gonna do when he finds out.
Mm.

I think I'm gonna have
that bran muffin.

Uh-huh.

Boyd is sleeping with
that goofy smile on his face

that lets me know
he is your grandson.

I sleep with a smile
on my face, huh?

Oh, you smile.

You frown.
You yell at other drivers.

It's a lot like
when you're awake.

Ugh.

Still feeling guilty
about how you voted?

I thought he'd be
such a good president.

Co-ed softball is gonna change
the whole dynamic at work.

Well, does the woman have
to work at outdoor man?

No, they've opened up
to family or friends.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yeah, why don't I play?

Yeah, right.
Eve, get in here a minute.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, no. Why not?

No. No. No.
She's all-league
in three sports.

Come on. Why not?

Why not what?

No, your father
has this crazy idea

that you would want
to play softball

with a bunch
of gassy, beer-swilling slobs.

Pfft. Heck, yeah, I do.

Eve.

Think it'd be fun.

Good for speaking up.
This is great.

You can't say "no" now.

What kind of lesson would
that be teaching her?

No, it's preposterous.
She is 13 years old.

So what?

Bam! She got you again.

Mm.

What are you reading?

Mandy's college essay...
"My hero, Virginia Woolf."

Hey, that's Kristin's
favorite author, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Did Kristin write this?

Nice work, Castle.

Hey, nice essay, Mandy.

Thanks, mom. Thanks.
Yeah.

Virginia Woolf...
impressive.

Yeah, I've always loved
her work.

Oh.
So...

So, uh, do you have
a favorite?

All of them.

Mandy.

Yeah?

Name one.

I couldn't choose.

Spell "Woolf."

I don't want to.

Oh, you know you can't
submit this, right?

Mom.

Mandy, you didn't write it.

When did you figure it out?

The first "I" in "Virginia."

Look, Kristin came home

in the middle of working
a double shift.

She took the time
to help me.

If I didn't turn it in, it would
be totally disrespectful,

and I wasn't raised
to treat people like that!

She gets this from you.
She flees to avoid conflict.

Mike!

And then... there were six.

Hey, ed. Look who I found
in the parking lot.

All-league in three sports.

All right.

Eve of destruction,
how are ya, kiddo?

Awesome, Mr. Alzate.
Thanks for letting me play.

Oh, no. No problem.

There's nothing better
than playing competitive sports

- with...
- Girls.

Come on.
We'll find you a uniform.

Hey, Pete. Find her a uniform
in the back stockroom.

See if we got something small
that will fit her.

Look, nobody's happy
about this,

but if we have to have
a woman doing it,

why not have it be Eve?

She's fast.
She's a great leadoff batter.

I bat leadoff.

Well, you'll still bat leadoff.
She'll just go first.

Hey. This kinda ruins the spirit
of a secret ballot, doesn't it?

The basque are known
for two things, all right?

Delicious smoked meats

and... revenge.

A psychological profile
and a handwriting analysis?

Are you getting close
to finding the traitors?

Uh, a few are
still eluding me.

Hey, you what they say...
if you don't get that perp

in 24 hours, it's hopeless.

Who says that?

You know... people.

I can't stop now, you see,
because that's treason,

and you know what that means
for the guilty.

Paintball-on-the-bare-leg
safety test.

Tried-and-true.
No reason to mix it up.

Hey, guys.
I've got some bad news.

What is it, Kyle?

You know the big plastic moose
out in front of the store?

Yeah.
Well, those jerks

from Ted's tackle box
painted a wiener on it.

This is war.

All right, all right.
What have you got in there?

Oh. Ed asked for it.

Oh, uh, you're
a good kid, Kyle.

Now roll up your pant leg.

Is it gonna hurt?

Uh... have you ever had
a bee sting?

Yeah.
Yeah.

It's... it's like
a thousand of those.

Hey, guys.
Hey, guys. Listen up.

Old buckshot here is cool.
No need to change anything.

We can all be ourselves
around here, all right?

All right. Sweet.
Yeah.

Hey, listen up, guys.
So, uh, a priest, a rabbi,

and a very busty methodist
walk into a bar...

Hey, Pete.
Shut your piehole.

Okay. Okay.

All right, guys.
Let's get ready.

Are we ready to kick
some... opponent?

Can I say something?

Uh, rookies don't talk, kid.

Just ignore him. He's being
crotchety to get some attention.

Go ahead. Speak up.

Nah, it's okay.

Speak up.
Remember what we talked about?

Stand up for yourself.

Okay. I was
just wondering, can I pitch?

You heard what he said.
Rookies can't talk.

Hold on. Just... just a second.
Just a second.

Listen, uh, can you, uh,
throw strikes?

All day long.

I like what I'm hearing.

She's just a 13-year-old girl.
I mean, how good could she be?

Okay.

All right, kid, let's see
how close you can come

to that lamp on my desk,
all right?

That's pretty close.

Hey. How did it go?

Great. We won.
Baxter pitched a great game.

Ah, that's my man.

Not that Baxter.
The other one.

Mom, we had so much fun,
and then afterwards,

we went out for ice cream
and bourbon.

I had the ice cream.

Yeah.

None of this
would have happened

if dad hadn't told me
to speak up for myself.

Yeah.

Oh.

Thanks, daddy.

You're welcome.

You didn't mind
not pitching, did you?

Of course not.

I mean, you did awesome
in right field.

Run along now.

She's adorable.

Maybe we should send her off
to boarding school.

You know what's
great about having kids?

Do tell.

We get to take credit
for everything they do.

Well, thank God
she's not robbing banks.

- Come on.
- There must have been a moment

when you were watching Eve pitch
that you felt pretty proud.

Every single moment.

Yeah.

Ah, Mandy.
Mm?

Did you redo your essay?

Sent my applications in.

Ah.

That's not what I asked.
Is it your work or Kristin's?

Uh, well, I couldn't have
done it without her.

You are being obnoxiously vague.
What does that mean?

It means what it means.

I am gonna go watch some tv
in my room.

You don't have a tv
in your room.

Oh, yeah.
I know.

I just wanted to make you
say that out loud

so you could hear
how cruel it sounds.

Oh, boy. What do we have?

"Who is Virginia Woolf?"
Or "why I like shoes"?

Neither.
Mandy rewrote her essay.

"Even when
her own life didn't take

"the path
she thought it would,

"she always helped others
stay on theirs.

She is the kindest person
I know."

"She's my big sister."

Oh.
You don't need to cry.

Oh, come on.
You're a little misty, too.

Nah, I was...
I was just remembering

how sad I was that Pluto
is no longer a planet.

Ed, can I talk to you
about somethin'?

There's just one left.
One left, Mikey. Just one left.

Yeah, that's what I want
to talk to you about.

Mm.
I know it was you, Mike...

But I forgive you.

And you want to know why
I forgive you?

Because we've had a great
friendship for three decades.

No.

Well, you understand
my predicament

of raising daughters.

Didn't even occur to me.

Well, then why is it, ed?

Because when
that little hothead of yours

beaned that Jack-wang
from Ted's tackle box,

it was the greatest
sports moment of my life, man!

It was great, wasn't it?

The guy's standing there,

and his tooth fell out right
when he was looking at me.

Yeah.
He goes, "ohh!

It's just a game,
little girl!"

I'm telling you!

Oh, man. I can hardly wait
for spring training.

Now you keep her
on a good regimen

over the winter, all right?

She'll probably grow
a couple inches,

and she'll get a little zip
to that swing.

Those S.O.B.s will never know
what hit 'em.

Just roll up
your pant leg.

What's up?

I think I want to go
to college.

I know, I know, I know.

There's Boyd,
and it's really expensive,

and I don't even know
if I deserve a second chance.
Kristin.

It's just... it's just that
helping Mandy...
Kristin.

Reminded me that
I still have dreams.

Kris.
What?

Great minds think alike.

Look what I've been
looking at.

Universities.

I was just looking
at four colleges

within an hour
of our doorstep,

all of which are rated
higher than Ohio State.

I heard that!

You'd better get started
on your applications.

Okay.

Okay, well, here's
the essay question.

If you could have dinner
with any historical figure,

who would it be?

Gandhi.

Why?

More food for me.