Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 21 - Wherefore Art Thou, Mike Baxter - full transcript

Hey, listen up.
I'm only gonna ask this once.

Who messed with my rod and reel
display downstairs?

Huh?

I can't tell a lie.

Believe me, I've tried,
and there's no point.

It was me.

You messed with
that display downstairs?

Well, I love it.

It says "sales"
without being pushy.

Good job.

(Chuckles)



Please stop that.

This isn't a chorus line,

and you're certainly
no Tommy Tune.

He knows how to do that.
He really swings his weight--

I did summer stock, you know?

To meet chicks.

Kyle, he's only saying
you did a good job. That's all.

I can't help it.
I love making Mr. B. Proud.

Oh, please.

I mean, after all,
one day he could be my father...

In-law.

Kyle, every now and then, I just
want to give you a compliment,

without you reminding me

what a poor provider
you'll be for my daughter.



The thought of him
being my son-in-law.

That's just what I need-- another
kid to feel responsible for.

Just when I think these girls
are leaving the nest,

they pick up stray birds
and bring 'em back home.

But this weekend,

you don't have to worry
about those needy dependents,

because we're gonna
escape to nature

as we defeat Ted's tackle box
in the grudge cup.

Yeah. God,
I wish it was that easy.

It will be.

Look, 'cause I hired
a new forklift guy. Okay?

Who's a master marksman.

He can shoot a nut out of
a squirrel's paw at 400 yards.

Can he operate the forklift?

Who cares? After we win,
I'm gonna fire him.

So let me get this straight.

You hired a strange guy
who's a sniper,

and you're gonna fire him.

I might not have thought this
all the way through.

There's potentially
another hiccup, too.

Huh?

Eve's soccer tournament semis
are today.

If she wins today,

the championship
is on Saturday.

Oh, Mike, come on.
Our championship is Saturday.

This is my daughter's
championship, Ed.

I know, I know. Obviously,
we're rooting for Eve to win.

Right. I want her to win.
I mean, I want her to win.

Winning. I want her to win,
but you know, you...

Can't win 'em all.

If there's one to lose,
this would be the one to lose.

Then we should-- should pray
for Eve's team to lose.

Let's-- let's take a knee.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no. You don't--

don't pray in public
for your kid to lose.

Pray in the darkness
of your heart,

when you're sitting
on the bleachers in the rain,

staring down the barrel
of a double-header.

Boy, 12th inning, 0-0.

Just swing at something!

All right, take a knee.

Okay.

Last Man Standing - S01E21
Wherefore Art Thou, Mike Baxter

Original air date
April 10, 2011

Look at this.

They're putting up flyers
all over the school

for the school play.
They're throwing it in my face.

Yeah, well, they may still
want people to come to it

even though
you're not the star.

I shouldn't be the understudy.
I should be playing Juliet.

I am so much prettier
than Chloe Foster.

Okay. Well, maybe Chloe Foster
is a better actress.

Okay, now you just sound
like the director.

Aw, honey, the important thing
is you guys did your best.

I did my best.
Everyone else sucked.

All right, you know, we'll talk
about your sportsmanship later.

Looks like no championship
for me this weekend.

What a bummer.

Yeah.
It's a real bummer, honey.

(Vanessa) It's a bummer.

Real bummer.

(Both) For her.

Hello, free Saturday.

It's like a lunar eclipse--
rare, but spectacular.

(Mike) I'm telling you what,
it was hopeless.

We're up by two goals,
not much time left.

I see my weekend slipping away.

Then, all of a sudden,
by magic... we blow it.

You know, you're right.
There is power in prayer.

Oh, yeah.

Good morning, ladies.

Sorry to break up
your little sewing circle.

It's Ted. Maybe the prayer thing
will work now. Take a knee.

(Both) Take a knee.

Oh, that's not necessary.

I just wanted to
bring by the grudge cup.

What's it been?
Three years since you beat us?

Four.

Well, I just wanted
to let you know that this year,

your team has a fighting chance.
I'm giving myself a handicap.

More than the ones
God gave you?

No. No, I'm gonna be competing
with inferior equipment.

I'm buying everything
from your crappy store.

(Laughs)

We're doomed, Mike.

Nah, we're gonna be fine.

We lost the forklift guy.

What?

The guy that can shoot the nuts
off a squirrel at 400 yards?

No. No, th-th-the nuts
out of a squirrel's paw.

Not only that--
he can also shoot out

a security camera
in a bank lobby.

He's gonna miss the next
10 to 15 grudge cups.

Good background check, Eddie.

Yeah, yeah, let's try
that new wine and cheese place.

Hmm?
No, no, no, I got lucky.

Yeah, Eve lost the game.

(Kristin) Mom. Mom.

No, they had it won,
and then they blew it.

It was awesome.

I know. (Chuckles)
(Raised voice) Hi, Eve.

Uh, you know what? Let me, uh,
let me-- let me call you back.

- "It was awesome"? What's that supposed to mean?
- No, no, no. No.

- I d-- I didn't mean "awesome." It didn't come out right.
- Well...

What did you mean to say?
"Whoopee! Eve lost!"

No, no, no, honey.
Of course not. It wasn't--

did you want to do
a little dance?

(Deep voice)
"Whoo-whoo! Eve's a loser!"

Wow.

Please tell me
that I was never like her.

Oh, no, no, no.
You were the good one.

You only made me
the world's youngest grandma.

Boy, we are scraping
the bottom of the barrel now.

Yeah, okay.
How about Willie in ammo? Huh?

Yeah?

Do you remember when
we had to reset the sign

to "zero days
without an accident"?

What are you guys doing?

- We need a new guy for that, uh, grudge cup.
- Yeah.

Oh, what's it been? Three years
since you beat Ted's tackle box?

Four.

Okay, how about Chuck
from the warehouse?

Chuck from the warehouse.

How about Kyle from right here?

I've been practicing
a whole lot.

Mm-hmm.

But if you want to go with
someone else, I'm fine with it.

I want to go with someone else.

Ed. Ed, hey. Give us a minute,
will you, Kyle?

Sure.

(Whispers) Mike.

(Normal voice)
Mike, I like the kid, all right?

But I took him to
a shooting range once, right?

Let's just say Castro wouldn't
stick him in a book depository.

(Mouths words) I'm just saying.

Listen, listen, listen.

I've seen the kid
during demonstrations,

and he's getting pretty good
with a compound bow.

But he's a rookie.
He'll crack.

But maybe underneath
that lump of coal,

maybe there's
a diamond in there.

(Sighs)

Fine. We'll butch him up
a little bit.

Hey, Kyle. You're in.

Sweet!

I gotta call my mom

to let her know
to feed my cats this weekend.

Wow, word on the street

is you're taking Kyle
to that grudge cup thing.

Yeah.
He's pretty excited about it.

It's a good idea--
give him some confidence.

It's a good idea for me, too,
'cause now I got a pack mule

to carry all my stuff
to the campground.

Great news! You guys!

Chloe Foster fell off
the balcony in rehearsal

and broke her collarbone!

What?

How is that great news?

Well, not for her, but for me!
I'm the understudy, remember?

Now I get to be Juliet.
(Squeals)

Wow, honey. That's great.

When is it?

This Saturday.

"This Saturday"-- you mean
the Saturday closest to today?

Yes. Tomorrow.

You guys, I'm so excited.

This is the culmination
of everything I deserve,

and I'm almost more excited
for you guys. You know?

You're gonna get to sit there
and watch me and applaud

and then nudge
the people next to you

and be all,
"yes, that's our daughter.

Oh, yes, yes,
that is her real nose."

(Chuckles)

Wow. So, honey,
there goes our free Saturday.

Yeah.

And we always said, as parents,

it's important to be
at these sorts of functions.

(Both) Mm-hmm.

I'll be in the woods,
so let me know how things go.

No, no, no.

Dad, you cannot
miss opening night,

and you can't miss
closing night.

You may miss the one performance
in between those two.

What time is the show?

It's at 5:00.

All right.

We fish first thing
in the morning,

then it's a hatchet toss,
then we're doing archery,

then we're doing
a shooting range thing--

you know what?
I can make it back,

because echo lake's only
about an hour and a half away.

No, there's no way
you're gonna make it.

Ooh. Better start learning
my lines. (Giggles)

Mandy.
No, you're the understudy.

You don't know your lines?
What have you been doing?

Uh, pretty much been
making fun of Chloe Foster

'cause she didn't know
any of her lines. (Laughing)

- Listen up. You do the work. You learn your lines.
- Okay, okay, okay.

And actors-- they don't
think with their head.

They feel with their heart.

Wow.
Where's this coming from?

Maybe I did
a little summer stock.

What? Why?

Meet girls until I met the...

- You know, till I met the love of my life-- you.
- Yeah.

Nice save.

Just so you know, Mandy, mom
wishes you fell off that balcony

so she can have another day free
for wine and cheese.

Oh, Evey. Honey.

W-what?
Isn't that the way you roll?

No, no, of course not.
That's not the way I roll.

Hey, you gals have some fun.

Scarfing beans out of a can...

Pine needles in my boxers...

You burning that tick
off my arm...

This is the greatest
night of my life.

Wow. His first night
in the woods?

You guys brought a real ringer.
What's next?

Telling ghost stories
around the fire?

We're not gonna do that,
are we?

Well, I'm gonna head
back to the main camp,

or as I like to call it,
the winner's circle.

Oh.

I... Left you a little present
behind the tent.

I hate that guy.

And not just because
he's regular.

I haven't left a present
in three days.

Hey, Ted was here.
Where were you?

Putting a little present
in his tent.

You know, I think that's great,

how you guys exchange gifts
the night before a competition.

Kyle, you got any
memories of camping?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I remember the first time
I went camping with my dad.

He wasn't there.

Um, it was my uncle Phil,

and he hated camping.

Well, Kyle, it...
Sounds magical.

It's no big deal. It's just
my dad was never there for me.

None of my business,

but your dad sounds
like a real S.O.B.

That's the same nickname
my mom had for him.

I remember the first time
my dad and I went camping.

That was during the depression.
Everybody was "camping."

(Mouths words)

Going to Alex's house.
I'll be back... maybe...

If mom even cares
enough to ask.

All right, what the hell
is wrong with you?

Mom hates me.
That's what's wrong with me.

Okay, really, yes.

Mom hates you,
just because she didn't want

to go to your one millionth
soccer game this month?

And by the way, have you ever
been to one of your games?

They are horrible.
Nobody ever scores.

That's because we play
a 5-4-1 trapping defense

with a lone striker.

Ugh. You know what is more
boring than your soccer games?

Your description
of your soccer games.

Look,
mom goes to everything--

every game, every performance,
every recital of every kid.

Why are you
suddenly on her side?

I just sat through a pre-pre-k
graduation last week.

I had to watch

a bunch of 3-year-olds
finger-paint their own diplomas.

That sounds rough.

Yeah, just a little glimpse

into what mom has been doing
for us for the past 20 years.

Hey, Kristin. Oh-- hey.

Oh, am I allowed
to say "hello" to you?

Wa...

What is it?
What's going on?

Thanks, mom.

(Sighs) Thanks for
coming to my games,

and thank you for
always being there for me.

No, seriously,
what is going on?

Kristin explained it.

I know, occasionally, my soccer
games can get a little boring.

Oh, honey, no, I love
coming to your games, but...

My curse is-- is, you girls,
you have so many interests.

It's not like your--
your shiftless cousins

who are smoking cloves
in the mall parking lot.

Mom, you know
those aren't cloves, right?

(Mouths words)

Eve, honey, look, you know...

I-I do show up for everything,
and I don't mind, but...

But-- but there are times
when I-I maybe wish

that I was someplace else.

You know, like tomorrow night.

We-- we have to watch a bunch
of teenagers do Shakespeare.

I mean, that is
gonna be unbearable.

Thanks a lot, mom!

No, u-unbearably sad! It's sad!
It's "Romeo and Juliet"!

Come on.
Don't they kill themselves?

Yeah, because their parents
didn't support them!

(Sighs)

You know, not since
the new testament

has one man produced
this many fish.

Here. Come on.

(Mike and Kyle chuckle)

For a team total
of 16.3 pounds.

Whoo!

Yeah!
All right.

Hyah! We did it!

♪

Oh! Yeah!

All right!

Yeah!

Nicely done.

All tied up, one event to go,

rifle range is
our bread and butter--

trophy's coming home, man.

Are you gonna be able to make it
to Mandy's play, Mr. B.?

Yeah, as long as we get
this final event done in, um...

90 seconds.

(Sighs)
It's five minutes to curtain.

- Your father's cutting it awfully close.
- Yeah.

It's not often you get to see
a show where the lead

puts the play under her pillow
to "absorb" the part...

Which is why I brought this.

You're up, Mike.

Oh. Here we go, buddy.
(Gun clicks)

Looks like one hole,
but it was five bullets.

All right, I gotta go.

Oh, hey, you can't leave yet.
The kid needs you.

He'll crumble without you.
No, he won't.

Yes, I will.

I can't wait
for these lollygaggers

to go through their rotation.
This is gonna take forever.

Okay, wait a minute.
Priorities, Mike.

Now you're not gonna choose
your family over the grudge cup.

As odd as that sounds,

yes, that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

The kid needs you.
He's practically an orphan.

Kyle, you don't need me.

That's what my dad used to say.

(Lowered voice)
Look at this guy.

We can beat him.

He couldn't hit that tarp
with an R.P.G.

Let's win this.

That thou overheard'st,
ere I was ware,

my true love's passion--
therefore pardon me...

Methinks...

Me...

Mayday, mayday, pull the chute.

Shh.

M-methinks...

Usually, Juliet doesn't
commit suicide

till the end of the play.

Methinks I should have stayed
away from that Romeo guy...

Because now
I'm totally into him,

and our families are,
like, seriously bummed...

- Oh, no, no, no.
- And it is tearing me apart... Ith.

(Door opens)

Hey, listen.

(Door closes)

Sorry I missed the play.

I know you're angry with me,
and I know I smell like trout.

(Sighs) Well, you do,
and, uh, I'm not mad.

Why not?

Because i am
the good parent today,

and you are deep, deep,
deep in the doghouse

with our daughter.

Three "deep"s, huh?

Three, yeah.

Hey.
Oh, yeah, right on time.

Well, you gals have fun.

Mandy, look, I'm real sorry
I missed your play.

Yeah. I'm sorry, too.

Really could have used
your support there, dad.

Yeah, well...
H-how'd it go?

(Scoffs)
It was a complete disaster.

Well, it is a tragedy.

Yeah.

Sure is. Not many Juliets get
laughs during the death scene.

Why were they laughing at you?

Because I didn't know
any of my lines,

and then I started
making stuff up, and then...

I got so nervous, I pulled out
one of my hair extensions.

Why don't you know your lines?

I mean, you're the understudy.
That's, like, your job.

Really?

You didn't even
bother to show up,

and you've got the nerve
to criticize me?

I'm just, you know,

sticking up for those people
that did show up.

I don't know. I thought
I could wing it. You know?

You do the work.

That's what we do around here.
Your mom and I do the work.

When I wanted a BB gun as a kid,
I didn't ask my parents.

I went and sold seeds
door to door. I did the work.

Got the BB gun,
wanted to be the best shot,

so I practiced
on targets, on windows,

on-- on people's lampposts,

and finally,
I shot your grandma.

You shot grandma?

Well, she dared me to do it.

She-- she kept saying,

"you couldn't hit
the broad side of a barn."

Have you ever seen
her walking away?

She looks just like
the broad side of a barn.

I took a ping at her,
going down the stairs.

I dropped her right there
at the top of the stairs.

I'm not proud of that,
you know?

Are you gonna do this again?

There's another show
next Saturday.

You do the work,
I'll be there in the front row.

Dad, what if I do the work,
and then they still laugh at me?

Well, Shakespeare did comedies.

You'll be good. I'm sorry
I missed this. I really am.

Thanks.

You bet.

Oh. What the hell?

Come on. Come on.

You were deep, deep,
deep in the doghouse.

I did the work.

Yeah, mom. He did the work.

No, i did the work.
I sat through the whole play.

And I didn't even laugh,
even with that death scene,

and it was hysterical.

Now to be clear,

that's "t-e-d-apostrophe-s"...
(Chuckles)

Mm-hmm. I know how to spell
"Ted's tackle box," all right?

Whose idea was it that the loser
had to pay for the engraving?

- Oh, that was your brainchild, Ed.
- Uh-huh.

Well, it seemed like a good idea
when we were winning.

Well, I'll tell you,

when that kid started
to land those bull's-eyes,

I began sweating-- whoo--
but then the old man choked.

Yeah. Yeah, well,
I lost my focus.

I wanted to win
that trophy so badly.

But listen,
it wasn't a complete loss.

We may have made
a man out of Kyle.

What? That blonde chick
you brought along? (Laughs)

Hey. Lard-ass.

Your piece of crap's
parked in our loading zone.

Move it in the next 30 seconds,

or your windshield's
gonna have an accident.

Oh, Ed, put a leash
on your Pomeranian.

Okay. Wait, is he serious?