Kongen befaler (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Elendig levert, Minni Mus! - full transcript

Welcome to Kongen Befaler!
We are here in Drammen Theater.

Our five comedians will
solve challenging, cunning, -

and - to say the least - exhausting
tasks I've cooked together.

Things are heating up in the
battle for the grand prize:

A bust in gold of me!

The five comedians are:

Vegard Ylvisåker!

Maria Stavang!

Bård Ylvisåker!

Siri Kristiansen, -

-and Calle Hellevang-Larsen!



By my side is my biggest
fan and supporter, -

sacrificing and subordinate
to my command, self-effacing, -

-Olli Wermskog.

Can you tell us what our
first task is today?

Today the participants will bring
something to put in the pot.

The winner of the evening's
program walks away with the pot.

What did you ask them to bring?

Today they should bring something they
should have thrown away a long time ago.

Then I think we will start with Siri!

Lovely pot to win, by the way.

Bring some shit, bring lots back.

I should have thrown this
out a long time ago.

I've only owned it for a week.
I won it on the previous program.

The image of Vegard.



I understand that well.
But you just forgot about it in Drammen?

I never took it home.

I figured it would be thrown out,
but it hasn't been done.

Now you have the opportunity.

Yes, next. Bård?

It was hard to find something
that should have been thrown out.

- I'm good at throwing things out.
- Blah, blah, blah!

I went down into the basement to
look for something. I found nothing -

-but between two boxes I found something
I should have thrown out a long time ago:

-Is it a dead mouse?
-It's dog poop.

Oh, here we go.

This, I guess, is from the
youngest of the dogs.

Elsa, who has brain damage,
she was born with too little oxygen.

Is that why she shit
between the boxes?

Yes.

There is little that
separates them there.

So far it is you who we hope
will win it all.

-Maria!
-I have protein powder.

I have 1 kg of protein powder I should
have thrown out a long time ago.

I can't be a human who owns
1 kg of protein powder.

-You bought it once.
-Yes, because I was getting fit.

- How did it go?
- I didn't get fit.

It stands on top of the
cupboard in the kitchen.

Everyone who comes to visit asks,
"Do you have protein powder?"

Then I have to give a defensive speech.
Now I want to get rid of it.

Is anyone looking to
win protein powder?

I am.

I’m not surprised it was you.

Vegard, do you have anything?

This is a competition that
fits the financial analyst's motto:

-Don’t aim high; go steady and low.
-You start with the excuse.

-Yes.
-You are not too proud of your item.

A long time ago, I bought
this cable drum.

I drove over it.

- You didn't even coil it up.
- It doesn't work; it's stuck.

I drove the car backwards
and heard a moan.

Then it became slightly deformed.
I can't roll it up anymore.

It works just fine.
There is only one lid left.

So that's where I plug
things if it's out.

-There's nothing wrong with the cable?
-No, it works like just beating!

-It's just shit.
-Not faulty in that way, no.

It’s not defective,
just a little unwieldy.

It lacks the part there to crank with.

-Have you bought a new one?
-Yes, I bought a new one.

- I still use this one.
- I'd say you've solved the task.

Calle bass.

I've included something I should
have gotten rid of 15 glasses ago.

3D glasses.

They tend to pile up.

I want to get rid of them,
because I buy new ones each time.

I must say that:

Tickets for a 3D movie are more expensive,
plus 50 kroner [~US$5.50] for them, too.

-Every time!
-25 kroner, it costs.

- Have you made up your mind?
- I have, yes.

It's hard to say whether
I should rank by value or shit.

I think I choose the latter.
It becomes one point for Bård.

Two points to you, Vegard.
Three points to Siri.

Four points for Maria,
and five for Calle!

Yes!

Then we put up the scoreboard
and see how it looks.

There it is in black and white,
picture on wall.

It is Calle who leads.

Great, we're moving on, and now
I want to get away from my garden.

Do you want that opportunity now?
That's why I'm saying it now.

-We'll take it right now.
-Yes, please.

Make the bird fly
as high as possible.

Write a shopping list of things you need.
The budget is 200 kroner. [~US$22]

200 kroner...

That’s surprisingly cheap.
Is that a little string and a rubber band?

I thought we could book a bonus
ticket to Bergen round-trip.

After all, bonus points
are out of budget.

But I think the tax will be over 200.
I think that's 250 with taxes.

How to get a bird up in the air?

You have to fly.

Yes...

Either I have to shoot
it up like a cannon.

Or something like that ... doing!

A catapult, of course.

I had a rocket at home once that
I bought at a technical museum.

I feel we need to enter helium land.

I’ll go for some kind of
ground-mounted bouncer.

Then I need a hose,
like a garden hose.

And a long thing.
Write here: "long thing".

I just have to check
how much it costs.

It's with VAT, right?
We have to pay VAT.

But the producers will deduct
those expenses, won’t they?

Then the VAT goes away, so then
I have not spent too much.

But you have to be square on that.

OK, 200 kroner in helium.
As much as possible.

It's 199.80. The last 20 ørene,
you can spend on snacks.

One and a half liters
of soft drinks.

That's all I need.
Then we will get this one to fly.

What did you say?

That we should rather
spend the 200 kroner on snacks?

Oh well. The owl says we
should buy waffles instead.

The participants are on the ground
and should get the owl as high as possible.

They do not have access to anything
but have a budget of 200 kroner-

-which they can spend on anything,
so I've bought what they need.

-Deducted from your salary, of course.
-Of course.

Then I'd like to look at
the whole gang, except Bård.

Hey, now you get it.

Yes, look there.
This looks good.

Also, it was this one, then.
Oh! Perfect!

Well bought, Olli. Well done.

First I have to make this hose
completely airtight with it.

Ideally, the hose should have
been as large as the opening on the soda.

I did not write that.

First you have to
drink the contents.

That's it, and how in the world ...

I don't get them
to be the same size.

Should we just test it?

I'm not entirely negative
about this idea.

I think this is going to
be a fantastic result.

Then I think we should use
football goals as a launch pad.

The stupidest thing to do is to
take the science project from 2nd grade, -

and bring it to life when you're 50.

I bought a rocket at a technical
museum that had a good time to fly.

Without knowing what the most
essential parts of it were,

- so I think some of it ...
So, you press this one.

The more weight, the more force
needed to shoot it as high as possible.

The only reason to have weight
in it is to avoid it-

- gets slowed down too much in the air.
But when I test it sideways,

- you don't have gravity that pulls.

Now some physicists are
sitting at home thinking:

Oh my god, how good it smells!

It smells fantastic,
of weekend and grandmother.

Fantastic. I save these to throw
that bird into the air.

It was awesome!

200 kroner for this?

It must be much taller;
it should go into the owl.

Now the owl is going to sit on that
tube, and I'll jump on it.

Then it has to go.

But I cut it all the way.

It's not embarrassing
to be stupid -

- but it's embarrassing to
try to be smart, -

- when you’re so stupid.

It looks a little like
Fabian Stang [former mayor of Oslo].

I call it Fabian.

OK, Fabian. You are about to embark
on an insignificant journey.

Make daddy proud.

Ready! 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

I have to say that, Siri.

It's some of the best I've seen!

It was the perfect flop!

It said "pfft" when he got off
that pipe. It was wonderful, -

- now for once you have done a
real job in getting it done.

After seeing something at the
tech museum one time or another.

Were you disappointed?
Did you expect 20-30 meters?

I did not have great faith,
but I wanted to build a rocket.

You did it!

Do we have a replay ready?
We can see it in slow-motion.

Oh my god.

All I have to say is, thank you.

I was beaten by Maria,
who just threw it.

I regret that it should be the highest,
I want you to win right away.

It may not happen.

There are more left.

- We have Bård.
- Should we look at it?

There, yes. Is that the balloon you
managed to get for 200 kroner?

Are you kidding?
Is this 200 kroner in helium?

It promises nothing!

I can drop this one
and it goes away.

After all, Minnie Mouse can't
keep herself up. The balloon drops.

Now I'm standing here like an idiot,
but that's not my fault ...

-When they deliver sideways helium.

Ready, set ...

I don't even see it.
It went so fast.

Awful!
Miserably delivered, Minnie Mouse -

- who, by the way, is the most annoying
Disney character that makes no fun.

OK, plan B.
Maybe the whole bird?

It is like that in the TV program
of Lars Monsen, [adventurer—journalist]

-when you climb Galdhøpiggen [Norway’s
highest mountain] and are missing an arm, -

- and you are not disqualified
because you are not a whole person.

It does not lift anything.
After all, it cannot lift itself.

There just has to be some bird DNA.

An eye.

OK, here it comes.

Ready, set ... up then! Up!

-Not bad.
-Yes.

I don't need to specify
that Bård got the bird, -

- at least the owl DNA, a little
higher than the other four.

But, I wonder, is
this disqualifying?

I was in doubt, because I think
you're arguing very well-

-when you talk about "No Borders"
with Lars Monsen-

- and that it doesn't have to be
a whole human being who goes up.

But I haven't seen one
where it's just an eye.

-You haven't seen Season 2.
-There must be meat around the eye.

- There was a little fluff around.
- Yes, it was a bit.

If I do not approve,
it is I who comes out badly.

Then I get shut up because I
don't like Lars Monsen's program.

It is approved, and you win.

Let’s put up the scoreboard
after two tasks.

- If we do that.
- Calle is still in the lead.

There are many tasks left,
opportunities to move up.

Calle leads, but it's close.

Follow the advertisements.

Welcome back to Kongen Befaler.

Olli Wermskog, there is little
in this program that is about:

Me! There has been little "me" now.
A little more "me", then it catches up.

I need a task where I get
a little more focus.

If it should be more about
you, we can arrange it.

Talk fast, so the picture
goes back to me.

Then we fix it.

I hope there is a naked
man here to draw.

Make a portrait of Atle.
You have 20 minutes.

You didn't know I was good at painting.

Either way, it should resemble
Atle as much as possible. ...

Does Atle have self-deprecating
humour on ...

I'm not going to say what he
should be self-deprecating about.

What should I be self-
deprecating about, Siri?

That you have a mustache.

If that is a lie, it will
be revealed as we move on.

I talked about having
very broad shoulders.

And that should I be
self-deprecating about.

We'll see if that's what it's about -

-I want to see people.
-We start with the two most negative ones.

Yes, they were a little
negative to the task.

I'm going to bring out some
things you're not good at.

- We'll see.
- Then we look at Bård and Vegard.

Let’s see.
How does this work?

Yeah ... OK.

I have to find a picture.
I know he's round, but not how round.

What did you pick up?

Spray. I wanted to make
a graffiti thing.

This was a bad idea.
Should I continue?

-I think I must ...
-12 minutes left!

Have I used eight?
I haven't started yet.

I have to change technique.

Pretty decent throat
and neck on him here.

He has not saved on the scalp.

I feel a little like Van Gogh.

It's the ugliest thing
I've ever seen.

Can't do one more thing,
I'm done. I'm happy.

Time.

-A roll of the dice?
-As in an exhibition?

Dice throw: Go away.

You don't seem to be pleased.

I'm looking forward to this;
I forgot what it looks like.

Me, too. I remember nothing.

You have suppressed it.
Shall we take a look at your art?

Should we do it then?

We do it.

My portrait of Atle
Antonsen ... schwing!

That's great!

It’s not too bad!

As always: It helps to sell things.

Let there be no doubt:
It is totally ass.

Now I want to see Bård. You were very happy,
there are even scary people.

I tried to take it on enthusiasm.

It has settled down now.

Yes, I remember nothing.

- Be a little enthusiastic now, too.
- It's not so naturalistic.

Is it my name and a mail horn?

Do you think I should work
in the postal service?

What was it that you had at the top?

Is it me?!
It's a face?

- Absolutely!
- Post horn in the middle and beard below?

What is the round in the middle?

With just a few strokes I managed
to give the typical Atle Antonsen-

- such a Neanderthal ... no offense!

You mean Neanderthal
in the positive way?

With a little full beard.

In my head I remember the
cameramen standing and saying, "Wow!"

-It was an experience.
-This boy can paint!

But then it started to flow.

So did you have to write the name
so you would realize it was me?

-Maria and Siri, are you ready for them?
-Yes, I would say that now.

I use him as a model.

I'm going too flabby. There will be
elements of flattery and insult.

We start with Atle’s face,
which is a lot.

- Does he have hair?
- A bit.

He's happy.
The eyebrows go a bit like that.

Big ears.
He has a very large Adam’s apple.

I noticed that.

He looks like the front
of some pizzeria.

I want to highlight Atle's
greatest 3D features.

Huge shoulders. This is art, Olli.

Soon finished, it was great
with such an easy task.

Finally, what will
land the victory.

I have learned from Odd Nerdrum [painter]
that it is perfectly OK to have a portrait.

I'll just sign it, because he
probably wants it on the wall.

M and S. Maria Stavang.

Fucking happy.

Here is just to enjoy.

Let's see the unveiling.
Now I am very excited.

It's a mixture of salute and insult?

Where I have tried to honor you,
I have done it in 3D, -

- that which doesn't honor you,
I left in 2D.

So exciting.

-Oh no!
-Fantastic!

Very big shoulders, big Adam's apple.

Big brain, so smart.
Big heart.

And a huge one.

Which stands up left.

That's the heart down there.

I am not sure what is the salute
and what is the insult here.

You have to know a little in
advance to know your salutes -

-to know that a blob means it's good.

- A big chat ...
- Stop talking!

-It's hideous!
-Yes, totally agree.

That's fucking terrible. Get it away!

I'm glad I'm showing up after this.

After all, it's not long
until your turn; it is now.

-Want to say something about it before the unveiling?
-I had you in my head when I painted.

- It was just love.
- It was done with love.

Everything I've done for you,
Atle, has been with love.

I'm so nervous, I don't know
what it looks like.

Just uncover, you.

Not stupid, that.

Yes, that is ...

... for being made by a three-
year-old, it’s not bad.

I would order pizza from this guy.

It looks like a pizza
poster, in a way.

If you are ever going to start a pizzeria,
you know what image you can use.

"Start Pizza,” actually ...

I think you should continue with
what you do, not quit your job.

- I dont have a job.
- Don't quit anyway.

-Now it's almost sad to hear you.
-You've even got it done.

The red inside there, is it
the world's widest tongue?

You're the gentlest guy in the world.

That's my gal! In a task where it
is so miserable, makeup can work.

-Hello!
-That's what I'm saying, we'll see.

- We have another one
- We have Calle again.

But we have no part with Calle,
because it was the best.

I asked for it myself.
Otherwise you realize where I wanted to-

with this interpretation
of you that I chose.

It’s clear behind here,
I'll just go get it ...

I haven't seen it since.

We do it in true Tande-P [Alf Tande-Petersen,
‘90s TV host] way, for those who get that reference.

Pull the big screen up!

I didn't find a big enough canvas,
so I went for something else-

-which was in the garage.

As said: This is an interpretation
of you, Atle.

The whole clown of
Norway, Atle Antonsen.

You really should ...
Want to say something about it?

- No.
- It should stand for itself?

You should have that; you realized that
when there is little quality to be found,

- then quantity finally
becomes important.

It should not be such good food,
but there is a lot of it.

I think he's brought out
your sharp, clear eyes.

Mmm ...

It is impressive, and a good work.

-I'm ready to hand out points.
-Yes, please.

I'm not sure who to put at
the bottom of the brothers.

I think it will be Bård
for that post horn there.

We put you in next-to-last, Vegard.

Even if you have an
unlikely low pitch-

- I’m astonished that there
was anything at all.

I wonder if Maria is put on ...
No, by the way, I do.

I put you in third, Siri.

There is something about
the groundwork there that ...

Then the cock is smoking, yes.

I'm happy to take the penis home.

Then it will be second
place to you, Maria.

It will be second place with
the drawing of the pizza baron.

And it will be first place for Calle!
Quantity always wins.

Now we're going to
something new, Olli.

Something completely wasteful,
brand new that we have never seen before.

This has never been shown in Norway,
the world or anywhere.

We're going into a vocal
balance / coordination thing!

Hi!

Let’s see...

Must see if anything
has changed here.

Put something on your head
while you have both hands on your back.

Perform a verse while
the thing is on your head.

Hands should be on your
back throughout the task.

First one wins. Time starts now.

We’ll see how the participants deal
with this challenge, after the advertisement.

Welcome back to Kongen Befaler.
Olli, put us into the action.

The participants have
been given a task:

They should put one thing on their head
without using hands and then perform a verse.

We start with Maria, Vegard and Siri
going into the fire.

Is it possible, I suppose?

It is totally impossible.

It's on your head, just a little on the side.
There's nothing on top of your head.

... a heart that knocks for things she
believes in. She doesn't have shoes on ...

Around the world, around the world!
Around the world, around the world!

Now a thousand Christmas lights are lit.

They should stand alone.

And the one who ... finds ... hmm on ...

Around the world, around the world!
Around the world, around the world!

... at night about things she is captivated by.
Then they love the rug like wild animals.

A wonderful adventure ... the morning dawns.

-Done?
-Yes.

"Put something on your head",
it says in the task!

That's it, of course.
Not "Get in a bush!"

You have to be so damn hard!

Hell, then, Siri!

But I have something on my mind.

No, you have nothing on your head!

You leaned into a bush!

It should not be standalone.

-Don't you agree with me?
-No.

No, well. I wait to disqualify you.

We leave you on the bench whether you
get disqualified, or you get disqualified.

We have to have something else,
I have to wash my eyes.

I can't remember doing this task.
I must have done something else.

Otherwise, I just forgot about it.

- Shall we take a look?
- Shall I shut up?

Let's look at Bård and Calle.

Can we start now? Has it begun?

[sings Norwegian national anthem:]
Yes, we love this country as it rises forth...

... rugged, weathered, over the water ...

Love, love it and think ...

... of our father and mother
and the saga-night that lays ...

... dreams upon our earth.

... and the saga night that lowers ...

... lowers dreams on our earth.

-Done?
-Yes.

... lowers dreams on -

- our earth!

The first thing that strikes me
is that here are two people -

- who have things lying
on top of their heads.

Just as the task says, but!

- The assignment text is pretty clear ...
- Is it not very clear?

- I think it's pretty clear.
- The clock is ticking!

Doesn't the clear text say
exactly what the task is?

It is nice with the tasks,
it says what to do.

- Have both solved the task perfectly?
- What do you think, Bård?

-Yes.
-So great!

It's your last chance
before the evidence comes.

I remember from earlier in the season
that it helped to fold the toad flat.

But you didn't.
Let's see what you did.

I don't think it will be
enough for a disqualification.

Siri, I'll give you two points,
but I'll take them right back.

You will not be disqualified,
but you will get zero points.

This is the first time.
So the salty crisis was your attempt -

- that it doesn't matter.

Maria, you need to get
your three points.

That makes Vegard, who solved
it in a very good way-

- ends up in second place.

-It's amazing!
- That's it.

- Calle, again!
- Again?!

Let’s put up the scoreboard.

-That went really well.
-Calle is still leading the way.

We have another task left.

You know what happens in it.

It will happen here, in the studio,
in front of the audience, the viewers and me.

Get on stage!

Soon, balls will
fall from the ceiling.

In front of you there will be balls.

You get one point per
ball you can hit.

You are not allowed to catch them;
you must hit them.

But, there are also a
couple of trick eggs.

If you hit them, it will be minus points.

Plus points for balls, minus points for eggs.
Did you get that?

Are you ready? 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

This is scary.

After all, nothing comes.

I can't hit them.

It was too fast.

Now they're rubbing themselves,
the people here.

Don't touch it, then. Asshole!

Don't look at the egg at
the same time as the ball.

I can't hit a single ball!

It's just eggs!

I know it's popping up!

No, out there is not going!

- I'm going!
- It smells like eggs here.

We will summarize once you
have sat in your seats.

It was impressive at times, I think.

- They will hear how it went.
- I have the results here.

I've given points per ball you hit
and subtracted per egg.

So you ended up with a result:

Bottom with five points:
Vegard, last place!

Nine for Calle.

Third place, twelve points; Siri.
Second place, thirteen points; Bård.

Fourteen points to you, Maria;
you are the winner.

Take a look at the scoreboard-

-and see how it rests after five tasks.

Then we can see that Calle ...

That means Calle is today's winner.
Come on up and receive your prizes!

-Enjoy!
-Now I'll have fun with the poop!

- Delicious, wonderful!
- You can give it back to Bård.

No, I’ll keep it.

That’s all from Drammen Theater today.

Next week we decide who
wins the whole season, -

-and takes home the gold bust!