Kongen befaler (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Barn liker vold - full transcript

Welcome to Kongen Befaler,
where our regular comedians-

- will solve some killer
important tasks I've created, -

-in the hope of becoming the one who
runs away with the season's main prize:

A bust in gold of ...
Not of you, Olli.

But of me.

Those who can win this, as always,
are Vegard Ylvisåker.

Maria Stavang.

Bård Ylvisåker.

Siri Kristiansen.

And Calle Hellevang-Larsen.

Olli, you always sit on my
left side like my right hand.



What is the first
task tonight?

I can tell you that. You asked the
participants to bring something-

-which the winner is allowed to take home
and do whatever the heck they want.

Within which category should
they bring something today?

Bring something you have baked yourself.
Calle, what do you have with you?

If there is something interesting,
then it is Judaism.

Judaism? I laugh with
you, not at you.

For this task I have baked a so-called ...

... challah bread. A round challah bread.

Have you baked it yourself? Challah bread.

This is a bread that the Jews
eat for festive occasions-

- like Sabbath or Rosh Hashanah,
which is Jewish New Year.

It is hard? It does not
look particularly hard.

No, but it takes a long time.
I spent eight hours.



- Eight hours?!
-It should raise for a few hours.

Would you like to suggest
who the next man or woman is?

-Yes.
-Do you have it?

- Then I choose Vegard.
-Okay. I brought ...

I just brought a loaf of bread ...

- which I have called "the surprise
bread of Atle Antons."

-Simply.
-It looks like it can be eaten.

It can be eaten. It has to be
tasted in order to enjoy it.

Surely everyone must have bread.
I see it.

A lot of bread here.
That is, two by two.

Exciting to see if there is more bread.
Siri, what have you got?

- I haven't gone for bread.
- Look here, you.

I've been going for a beer roll.
I'm not going to touch it.

It is baked by Guinness,
honey and oats.

-Just that?
- These are the main ingredients.

I bake these often. I baked eleven for
the kids and one for you.

They're all drunk now.

Oh well.
Maria, where are you in the terrain?

I have not gone for bread.
I know you turned this year.

You turned 50, and I wasn't
invited to your birthday.

I don't know where that
invitation came from.

-You weren't invited.
-No.

But I baked a birthday
muffin for you.

One muffin? I'm sure you've
made more muffins,

but there is only one left.

I'll be honest that I'm
not good at baking.

Never been, never will be.

I thought about charming
him with a nice touch.

-Because he's so nice to him, he.
- It's nice.

Yes, yes. Okay.
At least you've tried.

Then there is only Bård left.
What have you done?

I have baked my first
and last cake.

-Oh, it sounded scary.
- I've never baked cake before.

I never thought it was fun.

- Did you spend a long time?
- All day today.

It was like that.

It was nice.

That's ... It wasn't too bad!

To be the first time.
It wasn't so easy.

I was so damned halfway out here.

You want to stand by the claim
that you did this yourself?

-100 percent.
-I think so, too.

There are many mistakes. No confectioner
would be responsible for this.

So to be honest - it stands
out in the crowd here.

-But you, taste it.
-I don't know if I need to taste.

I ask you first, Maria.
What place should you end up in?

I have given it so much ...
Look at that! Last place.

- Can I eat it now?
- Funny about these Jewish things.

-But it gave you second-last place.
-What's funny about the Jewish stuff?

- Now you have an explanation problem.
- We laugh, and not.

The last one. Sorry. I know you've
done your best, and it's fine, -

- but the level is soaring here.
- Then I'll take the bread myself.

It looked pretty dry. I'm glad
I didn't have to taste it.

I want to sample yours,
Siri, and yours, Vegard.

Since you insist. For the look is not
the most important thing to you.

It's obviously the flavor,
so I'll give it a try.

When I was baking something for you,
I thought of cake and ...

-You have to cross it too?
-Yes, I need to cross it. But...

But you're no sweetie.
I've heard a little about it.

- More gourmand.
- That's why I made a loaf of bread.

-Is it a beef wellington?
-Yes. I've never done that before. Oi!

It's perfect!

It is important to
get a lot of crust.

- How was it?
-It was very good!

I'll taste myself, too.

-So cozy you guys have it.
- We have a very nice time.

Gorgeous. I must say that.
Go and sit down!

- Siri?
- Can I taste it?

Come to papa.

I should have taken it in the
opposite order. It is not safe.

I am cleansed and clear in my mouth.
Should I take a piece directly from it?

It goes with butter and jam.

As a meal, it is not complete.
Vegard’s was stronger.

- Is it in the assignment text?
-But it's a good pastry.

Yes.

Stupid that I tasted. Your joke
could take you to second place -

-but it will be third place.
Second place for Vegard, -

-and the dazzling pastry
from Bård wins.

Then we put up the scoreboard
and get it in black and white.

There we see that Bård has five points.

I am so happy!

- Should we move on to the next task?
-Yes, we can do that.

-What do you want to see?
-I want to see ...

... whether the participants are
all thumbs, or if they are a little handy.

Perfect. Here's a task about
just being a little handy.

"Make garden furniture
you think Atle will like."

"You have 20 minutes."

"Time starts now." Garden furniture?
We have to go out to the garage.

Must be out in the garage, then.

-Olli? What does Atle like?
-I do not know.

-You know him better than me.
-Yes, but it's your job to make.

Had fun making a very
large garden chair.

But does it bear the weight of Atle?

No.

To Atle, it must either be something
that gets away from the sun,

or anything he can sit in.
I'm going for a seat.

It should be as masculine
as possible.

I start by finding
masculine materials.

After all, I went to a carpenter's school,
so obviously I have an advantage.

Here are the adjustment
possibilities.

In hell, then!

Most furniture is fine,
but not so good.

Here you get the straight contradiction.
Not so nice, but very hot.

Garden chair, designed for
Atle's physical size.

I'll get a stapler.

But are there pins in it?

There were pins in!

- Have you seen the black one?
-Which?

-Pissed ... guy.
-I just...

No, you know what. Thank you.

Run double knot, yes.
Four and a half minutes.

No. The...
Now you need to calm down vigorously.

-I can draw time for cheekiness.
-What do you say?

Like that. And then my legs up.

Like that.

Porn magazines and
a blanket up there.

10, 9, 8, 7 ...

3, 2, 1 and done.

There. Like that.

It should be at the
back of the terrace.

-Yes...
-No, it goes ... No.

The other alternative is that it
stands here in the backyard.

Here you can sit and drink liquor
all by yourself, without anyone seeing it.

You can sit and enjoy yourself. This is a
chair that you hang from the balcony-

or from a tree.

Does it have a name?

Since it is made of pallets:
Victory Pall.

First place is Atle Antonsen.

Calle, so you think
that what I want,

-is sitting in my own garden on a
very high throne and drinking liquor?

Good thinking, because that's exactly
what I want! You are a human connoisseur.

But ... And now it's gold.
Much right here.

Still, we have to go to Siri here.
This is perfect.

You can't get any better.
It's masculine.

It takes one to know one.

You're probably a little lazy
on the inside of you, too.

- Comfort, comfort, comfort, design.
- That's it. In that order.

It's probably possible to beat, and there
are two participants left, so we'll see.

Both Maria and Bård
deal with the same problem, -

but they solve it in a
slightly different way.

It is stress when you sunbathe,
because then the sun goes away.

You have to get up every hour.

The sun moves with time,
and then you have to move.

It is stressful to take the chair with you
to the sun. So I need some wheels.

Had fun connecting a chair
to it so it could go around.

He can sunbathe like that, and then ...

-... he sits there. Do you understand?
-True beauty.

Do you think this goes?

No. We need something a
little more minimalistic.

A garden rider so you don't
have to go in to bathe.

And that turns to the sun.
Does not fit Atle Antonsen, -

- I don't understand anything.

We just have to fix the wobbling.
He hasn't used it, has he?

The moment of truth.

There is something waterproof there.

He doesn't have a shit in it, but he's
been trying to pee a bit in it-

- to make sure it works.

Summer and sun. You've just sat
down in your best chair.

Then you think, "I should
have had the GT inside."

Then he can roll either way.

You have ten seconds left.

What do you want?

Seven, five, three, two, one and ...

-Zero. That's OK. Done?
-Yes.

Okay, test. Put your legs here.
Then I lean on these.

Oh! Just got my drink.

Please, Atle.
The brand new "lightning".

You never have to get up again.

-HMS.
-Thanks.

Then just test. It should ...

- Can it withstand ...
-Yes.

I'm excited about the ...
Atle is a little heavier than me.

Yes, and you're no sylphid,
to put it that way.

-Here you can enjoy yourself.
- Put on your sunglasses.

-And here comes a small one.
- Look, you.

This is really cozy.

What is a shame, or good, is that
it goes from west to east.

Now the sun has gone a little to the right.
Then you have to go all the way around.

I think it works fine, I do.

At least there is no doubt who is
most satisfied even here, Bård.

Olli can't sit. He...

I have said that some others
are human experts here, -

You think I love getting up in
the morning, going out in the garden, -

-sit on the ridge and sit there, on the
ridge, until the sun goes down.

Is it wrong?

-It's not 100% at least.
- It's not zero either.

- The worst thing is you don't lose.
-It's long enough for me.

- Now you've seen everyone. What is the verdict?
-Vegard ends up in last place.

It wasn't that difficult.
And we take Maria at next-last.

Although the thought was good.
It means, Bård -

-that you, with a rotating toilet,
manage to score three points.

It's not to be believed.
It says a little about the level in here.

Yes, that's not to be believed.

Second place goes to you, Calle,
and first place goes to Siri-

- what a wonderful piece of furniture!

We can put up the scoreboard
after two tasks.

We'll see who's at the top.
Siri and Bård both have eight points.

This is starting to get
pretty exciting.

It is probably just getting
started with the next task.

-What do you want?
-I think it's fun and interesting-

- when they have to struggle with
something insane. Prefer to wear out.

-Do you like when someone throws heavy stuff?
- It's a good start. Covers the need.

Now comes a simple task.
I feel it. A fun one.

"Throw something heavy as far
as you can from this plank."

I'll put the board somewhere, stand
behind it and throw something heavy.

"Kilos times meters equals points.
Highest score wins."

Yes.

-What do you think?
-I think a lot of weird.

Should it be a new piece of information,
Calle, that you think a lot of weird?

This is a somewhat
complicated task.

You should throw something
heavy as far as you can.

Meters times the kilos results.

When you sit here, the tasks
become much clearer -

- than when you're recording.
-We'll see.

Should we look at the first?

I think we take a little
advertising break first.

-Yes!
- Then we will.

Welcome back to Kongen Befaler.
Olli, you know where we were.

Participants should throw something
heavy as far as they can.

The score is meters by kilograms.
We can start with Calle and Siri.

I see a car tire.

Is that where I throw it,

-or can I roll it
many miles down a road?

You can, but it is unnecessary.
I count from there.

I have to find something
else heavy, then.

How much do you think the
ergometer bike weighs?

-It'll be this one, I think.
-Have you been running athletics?

Athletics? No.

Not bowling either. It's a more
natural question to ask.

-Have you heard of bullet shocks?
-Yes, but this one I'll throw.

- "Where," you ask.
- Yes. Where?

It's going up on the roof. Because
you measure from ... Altimeter applies?

It applies from where you stand to where it lands.

How many meters do you think
it is up to that window?

Five, four, three, two, one ...

- Should we measure, then?
-Yes.

It was not difficult to
understand this task.

It was well done.

The bowling ball for Siri
weighed 6.7 kilos.

You threw it 15 meters,
which equals 100.5 points.

It sounds really good.

Calle’s ergometer bike weighed 40 kg.
You threw 7.7 m, which gives 308 points.

-It sounds better, then.
- It does.

-Who should we look at now?
-Maria and Bård, -

but before we see you two ...
Do you remember what you did?

-I remember it very well.
-Do you think it's good or bad?

-Bad.
-There was self-confidence, of course.

"Throw something heavy as far
as you can from this plank."

The item should be on the shelf ...

... and in a hurry get a long way.

Yes...

It must be thrown away,
as far as possible.

It does not say that it is not
allowed to add things to the plank, -

as long as it disappears from the plank.

My plan is to make some kind
of catapult with this,

and then I have a bocce ball
inside there, -

and then I flip it off.

I'm not that strong, so I gain
nothing from finding something heavy.

But I'm pretty agile,

- so if I throw it like a spear,
I can throw it longer.

If I stand on top here ...
The higher up I stand,

-and throw forward,
the better range I have.

I think I'm testing my
javelin before I go up.

It's so pathetic and it hurt so much.

But we go for it.

There's a Porsche behind it.
It's a little tired -

but there is a Citroën in front.
It's not that bad.

Now I hear that traffic has started
to stop, so I'm just giggling.

After all, it's a little down.

I want to say the same
thing I said at the start:

This task was not difficult to
understand. Or was it, Bård?

"Throw it off the plank."
After all, everyone else has misunderstood.

-Klodrik. [Fethry Duck]
-Very fun. I understood the task.

You should be glad we didn't
talk about you at all.

I think we should continue with that.
We'll hand out some points here.

-Are you excited about the result, Maria?
-Never.

We can take both. There are not
very many points to hand out.

-We start with Bård because ...
-Is there a small advertising break first?

No. Not until the results.
I think we're going right.

Bard, the ball weighed 185 grams.
You throw ...

You throw 18 meters.
How much is it together?

- I didn't follow.
- It gets 3.3 points.

Yes, yes. You got applause.
You have 100 times more points, Calle.

Maria, you threw the 5.7 m high
fork and weighed 1.9 kg.

It gets 10.8 points. Very good.

But I can say that the test throw
was two meters longer.

Then you stood on the ground.
But it was still very nice.

Well, let's see ...
We haven't quite landed this.

- We have one again.
- Should we have a look at Vegard?

It says "throw something heavy
as far as you can".

But no definition of what "heavy" is.
Everything is heavier than a stamp.

The interesting thing is "kilos times
meters equals points".

There are two parameters here. How much
do I manage to influence each one?

If I threw 1,000 meters ...

So ... Then it's fine, even though
it's a pretty easy matter.

If I find a hard rock.

I can lift a 40 kg rock, maybe.
Something like that?

To get 400 points with a boccia
ball weighing 200 grams, -

- how far should I throw then?
-800 meters.

-Is it true?
-Do not know. I just said a number.

I can't stand on TV and figure
things out in my head.

But you? How heavy are you?

To ... roast!

Let’s see. The object weighed 95 kg and
was thrown four meters into the water.

That gives you 380 points, and you
win the victory in this task.

We have five clowns here, but
how genuinely funny are they?

We do not get that answer until they
have tested their clown lines -

on the younger generation.

-How young are you thinking?
-I think young children. Very small.

-How small?
-I think from one and a half to two years.

OK fine. We'll see here, then.

No but!

Thanks.

Yes. No, it's mine.
You can borrow it afterwards. Yes.

Do you want it?
I just need to read first.

"Make Jens and Theodor laugh at
the same time. The fastest wins."

The participants should thus make
the two naughty children laugh.

And it doesn't mean keep one child laughing.
Both must laugh and they must laugh at the same time.

It looks like Calle is
starting off a little minus.

But before we see how things went, -

- and I have my hopes that
it has been interesting, -

-we first get a snug,
small advertising break.

Welcome back. Now we are going to
see our five hopefuls get in the task -

- to make two children laugh at the same time.
Who should we see first, Olli?

-I think we start with the guys.
-The boys? All the guys?

-Yes, why not?
-Okay.

Time starts now.

Do you want?

Look-look!

Look-look!

Look-look!

Not slapstick?

One and two and ...

No. It goes well.
It goes well. See!

Look-look!

Look!

Look! Look-look!

Hello.

Oh no. He fell off.
Then I'll get it, then.

Camera? Yes, camera.
Look- look.

Bo!

Bo!

Oh, so sad you were ...

Come on, laugh a little. What?

Look- look.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

Children like violence.

There you managed it.

-Pipa-pip!
-It's approved.

Should you laugh at the same time you
too, otherwise it will click for me.

Yes! I call that a laugh.

Yes!

- It's approved.
-High five. High five.

High five. High five. Don't you want to?
Haven't you learned high five?

Didn't it look tired, Vegard?

No. That I didn't think of throwing
all the sheets right away.

It's so easy when you see what
you did wrong afterwards.

There are probably some times
to be handed out.

Vegard, 4 minutes and 46 seconds.
Not bad.

Calle, you spent 4 minutes and 10 seconds.
Even a little better.

- Bård, 28 seconds.
-Yes!

What did you do? Was it...

We can take a look
at the girls as well.

I was there, so I'm really
looking forward to it.

Do you both have to laugh?
Do you have the same taste? Now you can get it.

You would throw it, yes.

Tough audience.

Can you put them on?

Oi! I fell, I!

Guri, so empathetic you should be.
You must laugh when I fall.

You don't like wind?
Isn't that your thing?

Skeptical?
Oh, you're heaven-eyed. It is fun.

I'm very fond of children,
but now I know that ...

... the comedian in me has problems.

Very tough audience on
the right side here.

Yes, and now ...

Ok, not slapstick. What about...
Is it fun if he gets hurt?

It robs me of all confidence.

I have to get something in the garage,
because this is not good enough.

I'll be right back.

Is it a shag?

Take it. And then you take it,
and then we throw it away.

Throw! No...

Oi, oi, oi! What is this?

Do you want to see?

I take them out of the chairs.

It's the toughest audience
I've ever had. Now he goes one.

And now he laughs.

If you stand there ... That's it!

Now I want to sink into a huge hole.

I understand that you have a
slightly higher standard of humor.

No. There is zero interest.

- Now there's a kid behind you.
- Hi, Jens!

I've lost both kids.
This is hopeless.

I shall never look after children again.
I think I'm giving up.

-I give up. How much time has passed?
-Twelve.

It's the longest twelve minutes of my life.

Lovely child laugh, but it's not me.

Maria, you are the only person with
no children here. Do you fancy children now?

I can have them like that
in small drips, maybe.

It's like a hamster. Fun for
two weeks, and then it's boring.

Siri, you have children.
It didn't look like that.

-Do you still have children?
- Maybe not after this.

You should get one point
for good efforts.

You get zero, Maria.
You were beaten.

You gave zero to Maria,
and a consolation point to Siri.

Yes, at least that's a point.

Vegard took three points, Calle has four.
Bård, you won with five points.

We can look at the points
list after four tasks-

-how it changes,
and there we see ...

Nothing has been decided, and the last
round always takes place here in the studio.

Get on stage, dear participants.

The participants are in place, and in
front of you, you have five pineapples.

The task is quite simple.
You have 30 seconds.

The winner is the one with the
most pineapples on their table.

Show us that you have
your hands together.

It is only allowed to hold one at a time.
It's not allowed to roll over tables

- or tear down the other's pineapples.
-But we can steal pineapples?

- It's war.
The point is to steal other people's pineapples-

and protect their own.
Are there any more questions?

Then we start in three, two, one ...

You are not allowed to ...

Ouch! No! No.

You are not allowed to tip over.
I just remind you.

Maria, you are not allowed
to destroy others.

So, you're so young ...

-How long is left?
- Five seconds.

Four, three, two, one ...

Time! Drop everything you have in
your hands and stand behind the tables.

Yes, they managed to misunderstand.
They did.

But it does belong.
I've seen what I need to see.

Take a count, then we hand out points
when we get down on the seats.

Things were going well, but not
everyone followed the rules.

- I didn't understand the task.
-You don't understand it yet. Maria?

I had nothing to lose, so I
wanted to catch up to the others.

-You took the mob out of you.
-I was a disaster.

It ended up as it should,
with zero points.

But you had nothing to lose.

Later, we must not put you in a position
where you have nothing to lose.

She manages to do just that.

Should I take the rest of the points?

It was the same between Maria, Bård and Vegard
with two, but Maria was disqualified.

-It was worth it!
-Good you think so.

Two pineapples each for you.
It was tricky between Siri and Calle.

Siri had seven, Calle had nine,
so you win.

Let's see what it looks like in
the total score. What's happening here?

So it is Calle who runs away
with the victory. Congratulations.

It has never been smoother. Just
congratulate Calle on the victory.

Sniff on all the pastries you can enjoy.

All of this will take you home
to share and own. Great, Calle.

We're just over halfway, and Vegard
is leading the battle for the gold bust,

-but many points will be awarded.
We will be back next time-

with several tasks to be solved
and points to be awarded.

See you later.