Klovn (2005–2021): Season 5, Episode 8 - Tillykke Frank - full transcript
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---
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRANK
Morning.
Thanks for having me.
It fits perfectly with the
doctors' congress and your party.
- I need a cup of coffee.
- The espresso machine doesn't work.
- Oh, no. Now what?
- There's instant coffee.
I was looking forward to
a good cup of espresso.
Honey? I put an espresso machine
on the wish list. I did.
Sweetie? I put an espresso machine
on the list.
Mia! I put an espresso machine
on the list.
A new steering wheel lock, book,
shoulder bag and so on.
What will you give me, sweetie?
- I'll leave it on the table.
- Ask for a cattle prod.
- So you can poke Mia.
- We're doing fine.
- I can hear that.
- We have a meeting at Josty's.
Honey! We have to go to Josty's.
- Is it...
- Yes, it's ten o'clock.
- See you later.
- Right.
Is he coming too?
Must he follow us around?
- He lives here.
- He almost follows me to the loo!
- And this is the big salon.
- It's beautiful!
- High ceiling. Totally restored.
- This will be a super 40th.
The tables are arranged
much like yours, -
- with the main table there.
- Would you like water or coffee?
- Water maybe?
Mineral water, no citrus.
- So you're there with the family.
- Cousin Andreas, too?
Then I'll have to listen to
his doctor's stories.
Why break a tradition.
What if someone feels hurt?
- We're really happy with this.
- I'm glad to hear that.
I have some wine suggestions:
Chateau Le Mortissac 2005.
- And Italian Barbaresco.
- Sounds good.
- How much are they?
- 260 for the Bordeaux.
And 475 for the Barbaresco.
- Then I think we'll take this.
- It's too cheap.
- It's not cheap!
- It is. This one...
When the party gets under way,
no one can tell the difference.
- It's my 40th birthday.
- But 475 is ridiculous.
Not when it's my party.
This is no good.
- We'll take the Barbaresco.
- Everything's sorted, then.
- That'll be 44 for the water.
- You charge us for them?
I got the impression
that they were on the house.
- Just pay the man.
- Super.
- Right.
- I've got your change.
We'll have it indoors, unlike yours
which was sort of rained off.
Very sensible.
Have you heard from Mads?
- He phoned, all excited.
- Maybe they're buying a house.
Parents, homeowners. Only the
dog's missing. Keep the change.
If they can get a third party
to come and look at it.
- I'm willing to do that...
- What was that, Andreas?
- I said, "Keep the change."
- I'm supposed to say that.
I just said it on your behalf.
Stop. I'm supposed to say that.
I'm paying.
That doesn't matter.
I can also say thank you -
- even though
I didn't pay for the meal.
- The tipper gets the service.
- Rubbish. We know who's paying.
Excuse me.
Could you come here for a moment?
- Who gave you a tip just now?
- That gentleman.
- It was me, actually.
- Well, thank you.
- So you're happy now.
- I think we should go.
- I think I won just then.
- Thanks for a nice dinner.
I brought a bottle. I'm really
excited about the function room.
- It is a great place.
- Do you want to be the MC?
- Sure. I just have to go easy.
- Yes, don't do a Jan Gintberg.
It will be a pleasure. And I'm
the one who knows you best.
- Cheers, Frank.
- Here's to another eleven years.
- The longest friendship ever.
- Seen at Ripley's Believe It or Not.
Fucking hell. I sang your praise
to Iben last night.
You're halfway through life.
You have everything.
Except children.
So Iben and I decided to donate
my sperm to you and Mia.
Well, first of all... thank you.
It's not certain that
my sperm is to blame.
But if Mia and I
are going to have a baby, -
- I'd prefer it
if it was 100% mine.
We have no proof that
you have stupid sperm.
But have you ever
impregnated a girl?
No.
You're unable to reproduce,
and I want to help you.
- Well, I'm a bit of a Darwinist.
- Not clever, with your sperm count.
- I prefer my own offspring.
- Think it over.
- I have thought it over.
- Fine, it's no then.
Could you make me a coffee
on that fancy machine?
It's broken.
I want a new one for my birthday.
- You want instant?
- No.
Water?
- It's so nice to babysit you.
- Children are lovely, aren't they?
Yes, definitely.
Would you like a little one, honey?
- Yes, I would.
- What do you think, Frank?
- We're working on it, Ole.
- Is that so?
In the meantime we have Muffi.
I wonder who that is.
- Where is..?
- In the living room.
Hello, everybody.
- Hello, sweetie. Are you dancing?
- Would you like to see the house?
- Now? How exciting, Mads.
- It's a fantastic location.
- We found a place at last.
- Will you ride with us, Mum?
There's no need to drive.
We can walk.
- Where is it, Mads?
- Go on, tell them.
- There you go.
- Mads, you're joking!
- Congratulations.
- Now we can really come and visit.
- Isn't that funny, Frank?
- You can shuttle to and fro.
- Did you know about this?
- No.
I love to see your family.
But not every day.
- It won't be like that.
- Of course it will!
He'll never stop coming round with
his kid, so we can look after it.
It's really nice, Mads.
Isn't it? We didn't want to tell you
until we were absolutely sure.
- So you wouldn't cheer too soon.
- It is a big surprise.
- We're so excited.
- Have you signed the contract?
- I've brought it for Dad to check.
- This has so many advantages.
- You could baby-sit Gunilla...
- We could have meals together.
This looks great.
Incredible.
- Ugh! What's that smell?
- It is a bit smelly down here.
- That's rot. Rot in the basement.
- You reckon?
Mads! Come down here!
- Why do you call?
- We're in the basement.
Come on.
Do you smell that?
What the hell is that?
That's horrible.
- Ugh!
- It's rot.
This smell wasn't there before.
It's rot.
Almost impossible to get rid of.
I have to call.
- It's really disgusting.
- What a pity.
- What do you think it is?
- Rot.
That's what Ole says. And he has
bought and sold three properties.
- A little snifter for you.
- To toast Ole's nose.
Christ, this is brilliant.
Let's join the girls.
Can you take that?
Are you happy
with your espresso machine?
Never use it.
I can't figure it out.
Mine is on the blink.
So I want a new one for my birthday.
Great to see you.
Cheers.
It means good morning.
Iben and I have something to say.
Last night we got talking
about you two lovely people.
You want children,
but you can't have any.
I would like to donate my sperm
to you guys.
- As a token of friendship.
- I've already said no.
- I felt Mia should have a chance.
- Haven't you talked to her about it?
Frank just said no.
You can't turn down the offer -
- when Mia is the woman
who longs to have a baby.
I'm not talking about intercourse.
We're not going for a dirty weekend.
- I'm glad you pointed that out.
- Isn't it better to have a child?
Mia would be the mother and
your best friend would be the father.
- It's sweet of you, Casper.
- Think about it, both of you.
Let's just eat.
- Mind the stairs.
- Don't fall.
- Have a safe home journey.
- Bye.
What was that about?
That telephone sign.
I didn't see any sign.
Are you coming?
He thinks I want to
take care of his child.
You should keep in mind
that his intentions were good.
- I won't have to sleep with him.
- No.
- It's just some sperm.
- It's awfully humiliating.
Let's not ruin your birthday now.
Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you, dear Frank...
Congratulations.
You, too.
Old boy. 40 years, eh?
That looks nice.
- Want a pastry?
- I'm not in the mood.
You're always in the mood for pastry.
Can you feel that you're older?
- I feel 100 years old.
- I'll get it.
Frank and Mia's telephone.
Hello, Mads.
I'm really sorry to hear that.
See you this evening.
That was Mads.
He said to congratulate you.
The house was sold to a third party.
It's unbelievable.
- Mads was totally upset.
- But it was theirs.
- They were waiting for a report.
- They should have taken the chance.
They had to look into that rot.
What a shame.
- I feel so sorry for them.
- Perhaps I will have a pastry.
- I'm going to Iben's.
- What about the place cards?
I have this appointment
with Iben.
- Can't you put them up on your own?
- I can help, if you want.
Would you? See, Andreas
is coming with you, darling.
- Yeah...
- All right. I'm off.
- This is table 6.
- And where is that?
That one.
I'll do the main table.
Take this list.
On top of the wine glass, all right?
This will be nice.
Frank?
It says Andreas at this table.
- Yes...
- Why am I not at your table?
- It's for the closest relatives.
- I'm a close relative.
You're Mia's cousin.
That makes you a distant relative.
Here we have Mads, Pygge,
Ole, my father and Mia...
This says Casper.
He's not a relative.
- Casper is the MC.
- I see.
That's a different task.
This is the close relatives plus MC.
If you had been the MC,
you'd be sitting here.
The MC is more important
than your family.
- Happy birthday.
- Iben? Isn't Mia with you?
Andreas, I have to check something.
Could you finish the tables?
- Hi, Frank! Happy birthday.
- I've come to get Mia.
- What are you talking about?
- I know Mia's here.
I think you should go home now.
Trust me.
Just turn around and go home.
I don't trust you.
I have to see if she's here. Mia!
- Take it easy, Frank.
- Let go of me.
- Take it easy, Frank.
- I want to see her!
Frank! Stop it! Right now!
- What are you doing here?
- It was meant to be a surprise.
Now you've ruined it.
It was supposed to be a surprise
for your birthday.
- You ruined it, Frank.
- What did you come here for?
I thought you had something going.
- What are you talking about?
- Now you ruined my surprise.
There's been a lot of hush-hush.
Tea with Iben and this...
It's your 40th birthday.
There will be lots of surprises.
- It's a really nice picture.
- You shouldn't be so paranoid.
- You're 40 today.
- And you're behaving like a kid.
Now it's time to
celebrate your birthday.
I'm sorry.
- Do I look all right?
- You look great.
- You're gorgeous.
- Frank, Mia! It's time!
- We have to go.
- We're on our way.
- A quick toast?
- Yes. Is everybody ready?
- Here's to the birthday boy.
- I hope you'll have a great evening.
- Don't hold back on the drink.
- They're moving next door already.
- That was fast.
- Is there a removal van?
- I didn't expect that.
- Don't be sad. The house is rotten.
- No reason to fret, Kathrine.
- Are they interesting people?
- There's a lot of nice furniture.
- Here comes another van.
- They're certainly in a hurry.
- It looks like an elderly couple...
Frank! Frank!
Darling, are you hurt?
- It's my tailbone.
- Damn, Frank.
- One more time.
- Careful.
- Do you want us to cancel?
- No, we're going to have a party.
- Anything else we can do?
- If you could wait downstairs.
Andreas is getting his doctor's bag.
What rotten luck, darling.
I used high-gloss on the windows,
so they're very slippery.
- How are you feeling?
- Fine. I just need a painkiller.
I'll give you an analgesic.
Could you get a glass of water?
- How unfortunate, Frank.
- It's terrible.
Unfortunate, too, that
I'm not seated at the main table.
Only the closest relatives.
I'm really sorry, Andreas.
It's morphine and Panadol.
Quite strong.
I'll give you five.
Then you just relax for a bit.
It works immediately.
Then we can go and party.
- Thanks, Andreas.
- You're welcome.
You join the guests.
I'll be fine in a moment.
- Poor darling.
- You look lovely.
- What the hell!
- There he is!
- Good that you're up.
- Did you sleep well?
- You look all confused.
- I'd like to say something.
I'm really sorry.
Usually, people can tolerate -
- much more than you got yesterday.
I didn't know it would have
that much of an effect.
- What happened?
- You've slept for 15 hours.
- Like Sleeping Beauty.
- But it was a good party.
That's an understatement.
- And Casper was brilliant.
- It's still your party, Frank.
- It was a wonderful party.
- Where were you seated, Andreas?
- Next to Casper and Mia.
- That's the main table.
There was an empty seat,
so Casper and I had a chat.
- Sit down and have a pastry.
- Pygge will have a dinner next week.
Good idea, Mother.
Could you make him a cheese sandwich?
---
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRANK
Morning.
Thanks for having me.
It fits perfectly with the
doctors' congress and your party.
- I need a cup of coffee.
- The espresso machine doesn't work.
- Oh, no. Now what?
- There's instant coffee.
I was looking forward to
a good cup of espresso.
Honey? I put an espresso machine
on the wish list. I did.
Sweetie? I put an espresso machine
on the list.
Mia! I put an espresso machine
on the list.
A new steering wheel lock, book,
shoulder bag and so on.
What will you give me, sweetie?
- I'll leave it on the table.
- Ask for a cattle prod.
- So you can poke Mia.
- We're doing fine.
- I can hear that.
- We have a meeting at Josty's.
Honey! We have to go to Josty's.
- Is it...
- Yes, it's ten o'clock.
- See you later.
- Right.
Is he coming too?
Must he follow us around?
- He lives here.
- He almost follows me to the loo!
- And this is the big salon.
- It's beautiful!
- High ceiling. Totally restored.
- This will be a super 40th.
The tables are arranged
much like yours, -
- with the main table there.
- Would you like water or coffee?
- Water maybe?
Mineral water, no citrus.
- So you're there with the family.
- Cousin Andreas, too?
Then I'll have to listen to
his doctor's stories.
Why break a tradition.
What if someone feels hurt?
- We're really happy with this.
- I'm glad to hear that.
I have some wine suggestions:
Chateau Le Mortissac 2005.
- And Italian Barbaresco.
- Sounds good.
- How much are they?
- 260 for the Bordeaux.
And 475 for the Barbaresco.
- Then I think we'll take this.
- It's too cheap.
- It's not cheap!
- It is. This one...
When the party gets under way,
no one can tell the difference.
- It's my 40th birthday.
- But 475 is ridiculous.
Not when it's my party.
This is no good.
- We'll take the Barbaresco.
- Everything's sorted, then.
- That'll be 44 for the water.
- You charge us for them?
I got the impression
that they were on the house.
- Just pay the man.
- Super.
- Right.
- I've got your change.
We'll have it indoors, unlike yours
which was sort of rained off.
Very sensible.
Have you heard from Mads?
- He phoned, all excited.
- Maybe they're buying a house.
Parents, homeowners. Only the
dog's missing. Keep the change.
If they can get a third party
to come and look at it.
- I'm willing to do that...
- What was that, Andreas?
- I said, "Keep the change."
- I'm supposed to say that.
I just said it on your behalf.
Stop. I'm supposed to say that.
I'm paying.
That doesn't matter.
I can also say thank you -
- even though
I didn't pay for the meal.
- The tipper gets the service.
- Rubbish. We know who's paying.
Excuse me.
Could you come here for a moment?
- Who gave you a tip just now?
- That gentleman.
- It was me, actually.
- Well, thank you.
- So you're happy now.
- I think we should go.
- I think I won just then.
- Thanks for a nice dinner.
I brought a bottle. I'm really
excited about the function room.
- It is a great place.
- Do you want to be the MC?
- Sure. I just have to go easy.
- Yes, don't do a Jan Gintberg.
It will be a pleasure. And I'm
the one who knows you best.
- Cheers, Frank.
- Here's to another eleven years.
- The longest friendship ever.
- Seen at Ripley's Believe It or Not.
Fucking hell. I sang your praise
to Iben last night.
You're halfway through life.
You have everything.
Except children.
So Iben and I decided to donate
my sperm to you and Mia.
Well, first of all... thank you.
It's not certain that
my sperm is to blame.
But if Mia and I
are going to have a baby, -
- I'd prefer it
if it was 100% mine.
We have no proof that
you have stupid sperm.
But have you ever
impregnated a girl?
No.
You're unable to reproduce,
and I want to help you.
- Well, I'm a bit of a Darwinist.
- Not clever, with your sperm count.
- I prefer my own offspring.
- Think it over.
- I have thought it over.
- Fine, it's no then.
Could you make me a coffee
on that fancy machine?
It's broken.
I want a new one for my birthday.
- You want instant?
- No.
Water?
- It's so nice to babysit you.
- Children are lovely, aren't they?
Yes, definitely.
Would you like a little one, honey?
- Yes, I would.
- What do you think, Frank?
- We're working on it, Ole.
- Is that so?
In the meantime we have Muffi.
I wonder who that is.
- Where is..?
- In the living room.
Hello, everybody.
- Hello, sweetie. Are you dancing?
- Would you like to see the house?
- Now? How exciting, Mads.
- It's a fantastic location.
- We found a place at last.
- Will you ride with us, Mum?
There's no need to drive.
We can walk.
- Where is it, Mads?
- Go on, tell them.
- There you go.
- Mads, you're joking!
- Congratulations.
- Now we can really come and visit.
- Isn't that funny, Frank?
- You can shuttle to and fro.
- Did you know about this?
- No.
I love to see your family.
But not every day.
- It won't be like that.
- Of course it will!
He'll never stop coming round with
his kid, so we can look after it.
It's really nice, Mads.
Isn't it? We didn't want to tell you
until we were absolutely sure.
- So you wouldn't cheer too soon.
- It is a big surprise.
- We're so excited.
- Have you signed the contract?
- I've brought it for Dad to check.
- This has so many advantages.
- You could baby-sit Gunilla...
- We could have meals together.
This looks great.
Incredible.
- Ugh! What's that smell?
- It is a bit smelly down here.
- That's rot. Rot in the basement.
- You reckon?
Mads! Come down here!
- Why do you call?
- We're in the basement.
Come on.
Do you smell that?
What the hell is that?
That's horrible.
- Ugh!
- It's rot.
This smell wasn't there before.
It's rot.
Almost impossible to get rid of.
I have to call.
- It's really disgusting.
- What a pity.
- What do you think it is?
- Rot.
That's what Ole says. And he has
bought and sold three properties.
- A little snifter for you.
- To toast Ole's nose.
Christ, this is brilliant.
Let's join the girls.
Can you take that?
Are you happy
with your espresso machine?
Never use it.
I can't figure it out.
Mine is on the blink.
So I want a new one for my birthday.
Great to see you.
Cheers.
It means good morning.
Iben and I have something to say.
Last night we got talking
about you two lovely people.
You want children,
but you can't have any.
I would like to donate my sperm
to you guys.
- As a token of friendship.
- I've already said no.
- I felt Mia should have a chance.
- Haven't you talked to her about it?
Frank just said no.
You can't turn down the offer -
- when Mia is the woman
who longs to have a baby.
I'm not talking about intercourse.
We're not going for a dirty weekend.
- I'm glad you pointed that out.
- Isn't it better to have a child?
Mia would be the mother and
your best friend would be the father.
- It's sweet of you, Casper.
- Think about it, both of you.
Let's just eat.
- Mind the stairs.
- Don't fall.
- Have a safe home journey.
- Bye.
What was that about?
That telephone sign.
I didn't see any sign.
Are you coming?
He thinks I want to
take care of his child.
You should keep in mind
that his intentions were good.
- I won't have to sleep with him.
- No.
- It's just some sperm.
- It's awfully humiliating.
Let's not ruin your birthday now.
Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you, dear Frank...
Congratulations.
You, too.
Old boy. 40 years, eh?
That looks nice.
- Want a pastry?
- I'm not in the mood.
You're always in the mood for pastry.
Can you feel that you're older?
- I feel 100 years old.
- I'll get it.
Frank and Mia's telephone.
Hello, Mads.
I'm really sorry to hear that.
See you this evening.
That was Mads.
He said to congratulate you.
The house was sold to a third party.
It's unbelievable.
- Mads was totally upset.
- But it was theirs.
- They were waiting for a report.
- They should have taken the chance.
They had to look into that rot.
What a shame.
- I feel so sorry for them.
- Perhaps I will have a pastry.
- I'm going to Iben's.
- What about the place cards?
I have this appointment
with Iben.
- Can't you put them up on your own?
- I can help, if you want.
Would you? See, Andreas
is coming with you, darling.
- Yeah...
- All right. I'm off.
- This is table 6.
- And where is that?
That one.
I'll do the main table.
Take this list.
On top of the wine glass, all right?
This will be nice.
Frank?
It says Andreas at this table.
- Yes...
- Why am I not at your table?
- It's for the closest relatives.
- I'm a close relative.
You're Mia's cousin.
That makes you a distant relative.
Here we have Mads, Pygge,
Ole, my father and Mia...
This says Casper.
He's not a relative.
- Casper is the MC.
- I see.
That's a different task.
This is the close relatives plus MC.
If you had been the MC,
you'd be sitting here.
The MC is more important
than your family.
- Happy birthday.
- Iben? Isn't Mia with you?
Andreas, I have to check something.
Could you finish the tables?
- Hi, Frank! Happy birthday.
- I've come to get Mia.
- What are you talking about?
- I know Mia's here.
I think you should go home now.
Trust me.
Just turn around and go home.
I don't trust you.
I have to see if she's here. Mia!
- Take it easy, Frank.
- Let go of me.
- Take it easy, Frank.
- I want to see her!
Frank! Stop it! Right now!
- What are you doing here?
- It was meant to be a surprise.
Now you've ruined it.
It was supposed to be a surprise
for your birthday.
- You ruined it, Frank.
- What did you come here for?
I thought you had something going.
- What are you talking about?
- Now you ruined my surprise.
There's been a lot of hush-hush.
Tea with Iben and this...
It's your 40th birthday.
There will be lots of surprises.
- It's a really nice picture.
- You shouldn't be so paranoid.
- You're 40 today.
- And you're behaving like a kid.
Now it's time to
celebrate your birthday.
I'm sorry.
- Do I look all right?
- You look great.
- You're gorgeous.
- Frank, Mia! It's time!
- We have to go.
- We're on our way.
- A quick toast?
- Yes. Is everybody ready?
- Here's to the birthday boy.
- I hope you'll have a great evening.
- Don't hold back on the drink.
- They're moving next door already.
- That was fast.
- Is there a removal van?
- I didn't expect that.
- Don't be sad. The house is rotten.
- No reason to fret, Kathrine.
- Are they interesting people?
- There's a lot of nice furniture.
- Here comes another van.
- They're certainly in a hurry.
- It looks like an elderly couple...
Frank! Frank!
Darling, are you hurt?
- It's my tailbone.
- Damn, Frank.
- One more time.
- Careful.
- Do you want us to cancel?
- No, we're going to have a party.
- Anything else we can do?
- If you could wait downstairs.
Andreas is getting his doctor's bag.
What rotten luck, darling.
I used high-gloss on the windows,
so they're very slippery.
- How are you feeling?
- Fine. I just need a painkiller.
I'll give you an analgesic.
Could you get a glass of water?
- How unfortunate, Frank.
- It's terrible.
Unfortunate, too, that
I'm not seated at the main table.
Only the closest relatives.
I'm really sorry, Andreas.
It's morphine and Panadol.
Quite strong.
I'll give you five.
Then you just relax for a bit.
It works immediately.
Then we can go and party.
- Thanks, Andreas.
- You're welcome.
You join the guests.
I'll be fine in a moment.
- Poor darling.
- You look lovely.
- What the hell!
- There he is!
- Good that you're up.
- Did you sleep well?
- You look all confused.
- I'd like to say something.
I'm really sorry.
Usually, people can tolerate -
- much more than you got yesterday.
I didn't know it would have
that much of an effect.
- What happened?
- You've slept for 15 hours.
- Like Sleeping Beauty.
- But it was a good party.
That's an understatement.
- And Casper was brilliant.
- It's still your party, Frank.
- It was a wonderful party.
- Where were you seated, Andreas?
- Next to Casper and Mia.
- That's the main table.
There was an empty seat,
so Casper and I had a chat.
- Sit down and have a pastry.
- Pygge will have a dinner next week.
Good idea, Mother.
Could you make him a cheese sandwich?